Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy...whatever you celebrate

Hey there. It's been a while. No, I'm not dead or in prison. I've just been super busy with work and spending every free moment with the boyfriend. In fact, I've just returned from a romantic four day getaway to the Oregon coast with "E". Four wonderful days alone with him was amazing. We walked on the beach, did some hiking, ate at some great restaurants and of course spent a lot of time cuddled up in bed. We actually celebrated Christmas together on Sunday since I have to work the holiday. We exchanged gifts, drank Dom Perignon and just enjoyed each others company. I have completely fallen in love with him. So far, it's been the best Christmas ever. Sorry for the scattered, random post. I'm on my iPhone and am short on time as I am on break at work. At any rate, I just wanted to drop in and say hello and let you all know that I'm thinking of you all. I've made a lot of great friends here this year. Sorry for being out of touch lately. I will try to make a proper post and catch you all up soon. For now, Happy Christmas to all of you!

PS - I went swimming in the Pacific Ocean with an outside air temperature of 39 degrees farenheit. Yes, it was FUCKING COLD! It was quite a bit of fun and earned me a few "what the fuck is the matter with you?" looks from people walking by. Being insane can be fun. Bwahahaha!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

You're always fucking staring at me with that glass fucking eye!

If anyone had told me even a month ago that i would meet an amazing man who i am 99.9% compatible with and who likes me as much as i like him, i would have called them a fucking liar. But much to my astonishment, this is exactly what happened. I have met a man who compliments me, who fills that lonely void in my soul, who understands and accepts me for who i am and not what i look like. So far, we have exchanged countless emails, text messages and phone calls. We have also had 8 dates over the past couple weeks. He has even spent the night at my house once. To say that we like each other is an understatement. The feelings we have grow stronger each day. Looking back from where i am now, i can see that while i may have felt attracted to guys in the past, and maybe even felt some emotional connection to them, they were all lacking something fundamental and indescribable. The "emotions" i felt toward them were empty. With "E" there is something more there than just a pretty face (and he is deffo cute). With him, we are connected on a level that is deep and real. All the cards are on the table. There are no secrets, nothing to hide.

It's official. I have a boyfriend. We are still trying our best to take things easy and not rush into anything (like sex for example). But, we are exclusive. It's pretty exciting. I love being with him, and he loves being with me. We spend all of our free time together it seems and i am longing to be with him when he isn't around. We really seem to be falling for each other.

Well, enough of my blather. I am taking an overnight road trip with "E" on Tuesday into Wednesday, so i probably won't be online much before the Thanksgiving holiday. Here's wishing all of you happy holidays!

Hope you enjoy the video.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Start Of Something Beautiful

Oh, hello. Long time no talk. Sorry for not posting in a while. I've been pretty busy and a lot has happened since my last post. Almost all of it good. Quite good. So good in fact, that i am still waiting to wake up from what can only be a dream.

So, last time i posted was a little more than two weeks ago. At that time, i had been out on two dates with "A" and had got the lets be friends bit from him. I was pretty disappointed, but after a couple days of moping around, i kind of snapped out of it. He is young, 19 to be exact. While he does display an incredible amount of maturity for someone his age (hell, an incredible amount of maturity for people twice his age), he is still young. It took a lot of talking with a few of you guys (you know who you are, and i am in your debt for your friendship and support) on MSN to finally convince me of this. He is young and stupid was what i was told. Indeed he is. Despite being fairly mature, he still has no idea what he wants from life. My feelings for him are just the result of being starved of attention for so long and him giving me some much needed attention. Well, once i realized that i was able to move on and do just what he his friend. We have gotten together a couple more times since then. Once for just dinner and once we actually took a road trip together. It was fun. After accepting being "just friends" all the outer awkwardness disappeared. In the end, all i experienced with him was for the best and was a valuable learning experience.

About the same time as when i got the lets be friends text from "A", i had began talking to another guy i met online, call him "E". I had sent "E" a message on one of the dating sites i have an account with back in late September and had never heard back from him. Out of the blue i get a message back from him and he is very apologetic for taking so long in responding to my message, as he doesn't check his account very often because he doesn't get very many messages and the ones he does get are from creepos. Wow, sounds kind of like me. So, he includes his actual email address and chat id so we can communicate easier. From his very first email to me, i knew he was something special. Just the overall tone of his email made me feel something was singularly unique about him.

Short story long, we began a series of rather lengthy emails back and forth. He was kind enough to include some info about himself in his first email as an ice breaker/convo starter. It worked rather well. I asked him some new questions about things he likes, what beliefs he holds, what music he likes, etc. With each new email, we asked each other new questions and answered our own questions from the previous email. It was a rather fun and interesting way to get the basic "get to know you" stuff out of the way. By the time we actually spoke on MSN, we had a pretty good idea about what made the other tick. After a couple weeks of exchanging emails and chatting on MSN, we exchanged phone numbers and began a textathon and finally arranged to meet.

Our first date was last Tuesday and it went splendidly. I picked him up at his place and we went to dinner at a very nice Asian place in Tacoma not far from his apartment. We talked with each other so easily, it was as if we were old pals getting together after a long time apart. It was a lot of fun. After dinner, we went back to his place to drop the leftovers off in his fridge so they wouldn't rot in the car the rest of the night. After about 45 mins of chit chat, i asked what he wanted to do next. I had made reservations for a concert (free show, but limited seating), but by the time we were ready to go, it was too late to catch the beginning of the show in Seattle. So, he said anything sounds like fun, that he's really easy going just like me. I asked if he has ever been to the Space Needle and he said no. Well, how about we go there? Sure he says.

Its about an hour drive to Seattle from his place and we have a nice drive up. It is raining and foggy on the drive up, and i was commenting on how crap the view will be if its foggy. As we approach Seattle, the fog lifts a bit and we can see the city skyline in the distance. We find parking and walk through the cold rain to the Space Needle huddled up beneath a couple of too small umbrellas. It was pretty intimate and we kind of cuddled up for warmth as we walked. We buy our tickets and head up. The view is incredible at night. We hold hands a bit and walk around, get a coffee, take some pictures, enjoy each others company and the spectacular view. After about 2 and a half hours, we decide to head out and hit the gift shop on the way out. I bought a Space Needle Lego kit (Legos FTW!!!), and bought him a cute little Space Needle pen he really liked. On our way out, i got a bit turned around trying to find the freeway and somehow wound up in the U-district. Hmmm...there is a great drive-in near there and i as if he like the place. He loves it, and so it's decide we stop for burgers and shakes. That done, and it's now 11:15pm (i picked him up at 5pm). "So, what next?" i ask. He says whatever is fine, so i suggest we go to my place and watch a movie. Ok he says.

So, off to my house we go and we arrive at about midnight. We plug in a movie and cuddle up on the couch. After the movie, the cuddle session turned to a make-out session. :D Yeah, fun times! I finally drive him home at about 5:30am, and he says he wants to meet again that night. Sounds good to me!

Ok, time to cut to the chase as i'm realllllllly tired right now. We met up that night, and had a great time again. We met again on Saturday, and i cooked dinner for him and again we had a great time. We went out again last night and wound up at my place once again. And again, i didn't take him home until really really late (early?). I am just amazed! He is really into me and i'm really into him. We are both deeply in "like" with each other haha. Both of us want the same thing...a lasting, long term relationship. Neither of us want to rush into sex just wind up fuck buddies. We both want to go a little slow and really get to know each other first. He is a bit older than the last guy, but still younger than me (he's 27). He is different. We just mesh so well. He feels the same way. It's amazing how well we get along. No awkward moments with him. Everything just feels "right". We are so compatible it's almost scary. It's like we were made for one another and have been destined to meet all along. This guy is special, he is different. This isn't some silly crush. I have been happier the three weeks i have known him than i have been in a long time, maybe ever. We compliment each other and i know he feels the same way about me because he has said so directly. This time, the feeling IS mutual. I am very optimistic about this. It has an entirely different feel to this situation than all the ones before. This feels real. This feels like it may be the start of something beautiful.

^ a slightly blurry view of the Seattle skyline from the Space Needle

Friday, October 30, 2009

Drunk Slide

I love Seattle. Especially during this time of year. The days are getting shorter and the temperature is falling. The sky turns gray, the wind kicks up, the rain starts to fall. I also love the rain. My sleepless nights are less troubling when accompanied by the sound of the rain falling on the roof and the wind whipping the rain drops against my bedroom window. It's about the only time i feel any peace anymore, and eventually i drift off to sleep where my thoughts are turned into dreams. Sometimes those dreams are sad, painful, even terrifying. But most of the time, those dreams are of a life contained only within my mind. When i awake, those dreams almost seem cruel. They offer a brief view of an alternate reality where pure bliss is the norm rather than the exception. A reality where all the love one has to give is met with equal amounts of love given in return. A reality rooted in happiness and joy and being truly content, rather than in strife and misery and pain. And then i wake up. For a moment, the bliss lingers. But it doesn't take long for reality to settle in. It takes every last ounce of strength i have to even pull myself out of bed some days. Some days i don't. Call in sick to work and pull the covers over my head and lay there. Turn off my mobile phone, leave the ringer off on the house phone, computers idle, shut out the world...

As of my last post, i had a date that went seemingly well with "A". I was so excited to see him again! Lucky for me, his trip out of town was canceled and i had a second date with him the tuesday following our first date. This date went even better than the first one did in my opinion. We spent the better part of ten hours together and were never short of anything to say to each other. We had some great conversations, told some funny stories, laughed, had some great times.

This date started much the way the last one did. I picked him up at his apartment (he doesn't have a car at the moment) and we went up to Seattle and had lunch. Some vegetarian Chinese place. It was actually pretty good, despite having no meat in it. The restaurant was close by Capitol Hill so we went and walked around for a while. We wound up stopping at a record store and buying a bunch of cd's and records (yes, the big vinyl ones...i love vinyl). We both love music and share a lot of similar musical interests. After record shopping, we stopped and got some frozen yogurt. We each ordered different things and wound up sharing our dishes of frozen treats. He would feed me a spoonful of his, and i'd feed him a spoonful of mine. Yeah, real cute stuff.

After that, it was off to the mall to catch a movie. We found the theater and finally decided to see Paranormal Activity. I like that kind of stuff, and was hoping to finally see a movie scary enough to make me piss my pants and give me nightmares for a year. We bought our tickets and had about 40 minutes to kill before the movie started. This gave us time to get a snack of pretzels, which were free with the purchase of our movie tickets. We also stopped and bought a soda to share in the movie, since it was about a quarter the price of the soda in the theater. What thrifty little shoppers we are. Anyway, i though the movie was good. It gave me a couple good starts, and was deffo creepy, but didn't leave me scared shitless as i'd hoped it would. "A" on the other hand was totally freaked out by it. I believe his exact word were "how the fuck can you be so calm after that?!". I guess i just don't scare easy.

After the movie, we stopped and bought some cookies to snack on and went back to his place to watch a concert DVD i had bought at the record store. We wound up laying on his bed and watching the concert. When the concert was over, he popped in another movie and we wound up cuddling a bit under the covers (fully clothed of course :P). That was so wonderful to feel the embrace of another human being. I rested my head on his chest, and his arm around me, my arm around him...i could have stayed like that forever. His scent was intoxicating. I can still feel his warmth on my face and hear his heart beat and the sound of his breathing in my ears. At one point, he moved his head towards mine and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. Not some wild, wet make out kiss. But a tender, innocent kiss. A bit later on, i leaned in on him and gave him a little kiss too.

It was too good to last, and after the movie ended, he was getting pretty tired since he worked that morning. It seems that i get a bit awkward when it comes to saying goodbye, especially after such a wonderful day. But awkwardness aside, we hugged and gave each other a mutual kiss goodnight and i was on my way home once again.

Now after that, i was feeling pretty good. Better in fact than i had felt in years. I was glowing. What started as something that was uncertain had turned into a feeling of pure elation. I went into this very open minded, not having any expectations. But it seemed that i was falling for him...hard. He was in my thoughts every moment i was awake and in my dreams. It was incredible. We texted each other on wednesday and thursday. On friday, i sent him a text to tell him how much i enjoyed one of the cd's he recommended to me. While i was in the shower and getting ready for work, he sent a response. "Is it OK if we are just friends?"

Well, FUCK! Instead of texting him back, i decided to just call him. We talked for almost an hour. He insists it is him, that he wouldn't be good in a relationship right now, that he's not ready to settle down just yet. He told me that we have more in common with each other than he has had in common with any other guy he's ever dated. But deep down, i can't help but feel that it was me who drove him away. That i said or did something to set off some sort of alarm in his mind that told him to get out while he still could. Whatever the case might actually be, he obviously doesn't feel anywhere near as strongly for me as i do for him. Once again i find myself feeling quite the fool for having such strong feelings for someone who doesn't return those feelings. For some strange reason, the fact that he doesn't care for me only makes me care even more for him. Seriously...what the FUCK?!

I'm tired and my head hurts...think i'll go lay down for a while...

Sunday, October 18, 2009

On the mend.

Well, i'm feeling a bit better today. Still not 100% though. I slept for 14 hours during the day on thursday, got just about as much sleep on friday, and was in bed before 2:00am saturday morning. Yes, thats early for me. I slept until about noon saturday. I got the whole rest thing down to a science. I would have slept longer, but...

I had to be ready to leave the house by about 1:00pm for my sorta kinda date today. I almost cancelled, but was feeling a lot better when i got out of bed today. Plus the guy i was meeting had left a voice mail and a txt to make sure we were still on. Couldn't well disappoint him now could i?

Now, i say sorta kinda date because we met on a less than high quality web site. But after exchanging two dozen emails, he seemed really sweet and pretty much on the up and up. I also say sorta kinda because neither of were really clear on our intentions. Are we meeting for the sole purpose of being friends, or are we meeting to hopefully kindle some sort of relationship? My hope is that it is the latter, and he said he'd see me again (although i've heard that before and it never happened).

I arrived at his apartment about 15 minutes early to pick him up. He worked that morning and was cleaning his place up when i arrived. He gave me a quick tour of his apartment and we were off. I kind of let him make the call as to what he wanted to do and where he wanted to go. Since he had only recently moved to the area from out of state and had never been to downtown Seattle, we went there to find someplace to have lunch. The drive down was pleasant. We seem to share a lot of common interests and ways of thinking. For example, we both have a very low tolerance for stupidity. :D I found that i wasn't having to make any comments about idiot drivers because he was doing it for me! I am really starting to like him. :)

I'm pretty crap at navigating the streets of Seattle, and so was a bit lost as to where exactly to go. But he didn't seem to mind, so it was all good. We finally came across a mall with parking underground (make sure you have good credit before parking there, coz it's fucking EXPENSIVE!). We made our way back to the street and started walking and came across a cute little Italian cafe. The menu looked good, so we went in and had lunch. The conversation over lunch was just as pleasant and intelligent as it was on the drive down. The more time i spent with him, the more i was really starting to hope that this first encounter would turn into something more.

After lunch, we drove up to Capital Hill, gay central for Seattle. We lucked out and found parking on the street and started walking around and talking and looking in shops. I was just enjoying being with him and talking. It was really nice. So, we come across a shop specializing in mens underwear. Only in the gay district. He wants to go in and have a look. I'm more than happy to oblige, because he is extremely cute and watching him pick out undies sent my imagination into overdrive. He picked out a few pairs of really cute undies, and was trying to decide whether he should get another pair or not. He didn't want to get them because he didn't want to spend the money on them. Well, me being the generous guy i am, i offered to pay for the pair he was considering. He seemed a little surprised, but i insisted. I am wondering if maybe i was a bit over the top with that move. Nothing wrong with being generous, but did i over step my bounds? I guess i was trying to impress him by being so aloof about spending money, but i am wondering in hindsight if that might have been the first nail in the coffin.

So, undies shopping complete, we went to yet another mall and did some more shopping. Somehow during our conversation, we got to talking about what we didn't like about our looks. I said i hated my tummy. No matter how much bike riding i do it's still there. And he said that it didn't really matter to him. A good thing i guess. He said his cheeks were too red and he didn't like his very little tummy, that he wanted chiseled abs. I just said i think both of those features are cute on him, and he blushed a bit and dismissed my comment and said he doesn't like them, to which i said "i like you the way you are". He just replied that he's very critical of himself, and i said i am the same way. I guess no matter how cute or attractive someone might be to me, they will have things they don't like about themselves, even if i think those features are part of what makes them attractive. Funny old world. I think i made it pretty clear that i was into him, not just how he looks, but his personality, his sense of humor, his ideals and morals, by some of the comments i made during our conversation. At one point he said he felt bad because it seemed like the day was all about him and not about me. I just said that being in his company was good enough for me, and that i was having a really good time just talking with him and hanging out, regardless if we went where i wanted to go or not. He just laughed, as if i was bullshitting him and i said sincerely, i liked being with him. Am i being a bit to open about my feelings? I don't want him to think i'm weird and drive him away too. I really want a shot at a relationship with him. Another nail in the coffin?

After about two hours of poking around the mall and riding the escalators we were both pretty tired. Him from getting up at 3:00am for work and me from getting over being sick. We then went back to his place and sat on his bed watching a movie for a while. We did more talking than movie watching, and after a while we were both laying on his bed, but not quite cuddling. I could tell he was getting really sleepy, and he did have to work the next day, although not until the afternoon. I asked if he wanted me to leave so he could go to bed, and he said no, so we continued to watch the movie and talk less as he got more tired. I made some comment about cuddling and he said that would put him to sleep for sure. The good news is he wasn't opposed to the idea. But, on a first "date", and with him being so tired i just decided to say goodnight and let him go to sleep. We made some talk as i was getting my shoes on and preparing to leave, and at this time i was feeling pretty self conscious, and a bit nervous because i had asked him if he would like to get together again sometime and wasn't exactly smooth about it. We hugged goodnight, and i was on my way out the door when i realized i had forgot my car key and wallet on his counter top. I tired to make some more talk, but was already feeling stupid from forgetting my wallet and keys and started rambling a bit, digging myself a little hole. I got a bit flustered and awkward. I even said to him that i was a bit shy and awkward and said how embarrassed i was. He said yeah, he could tell i was a bit shy and awkward, and that only made me more shy and awkward and made me blush a bit. Another couple nails in the coffin. We hugged goodnight and i was on my way home.

Bottom line: I am a social retard. Who knows, maybe he found my shy awkwardness cute or maybe he wants a guy who isn't such a self conscious fucking twit. I sent him a txt when i got home, saying that i had a really good time with him, and that i hope i didn't screw up by being too shy and nervous, and that i hope he sleeps well, goodnight! He didn't respond, but i'm sure thats because he's in bed fast asleep. I hope i didn't fuck this up. Not only is he cute (tall, slender build, dark hair and blue eyes...that eye/hair color combo is so cute!!), but he is an amazing person. He is super sweet, kind hearted, funny, intelligent, hard working, and on and on and on. Ugh...why am i such a retard?!

One last thought...during the course of our conversation, he told me what his favorite movie was. But when we got to his apartment and we were trying to decide what movie to watch, it turns out he doesn't have it on DVD. Would it be over the top if i bought it and gave it to him as a gift the next time we met? I guess only time will tell if i've screwed the pooch once again or if he will forgive my shy, nervous, awkwardness and give me another chance.

Friday, October 16, 2009

One sick puppy...

Bleh...i'm sick. On my hols no less. I started feeling a bit crap on sunday, and had been overloading on vitamin c and taking Zicam to try and stem the evil tide. But alas, my bodies defenses broke down sometime last night and i woke up feeling horrible. I've got the whole stuffy head, sore throat, headache, sniffles, sneezing, coughing, thing going for me right now. At least it looks like it's just a head cold and not the flu in any of its various and nasty varieties. The absolute worst part of getting sick is that i don't have a loving, caring, cute boy to take care of me while i'm under the weather. Woe is me.

So, i reckon that takes care of what to do while i'm on hols! Stay home and recover. It has given me the opportunity to knock down that giant pile of unwatched DVD's that been accumulating for a while, at least a little bit. I have this bad habit of seeing a DVD at the store (usually Best Buy or Costco) and thinking to myself "that looks good, might as well pick it up". Never mind that there are at least a hundred others just like it sitting on my shelves at home, unwatched, and in some cases unopened. Today i got through Beowulf, Slumdog Millionaire, and Eragon. Beowulf was entertaining, but i thought the computer enhanced life action got a bit tiring. Maybe it's just me in my semi-fevered state getting nit picky. Computer generated graphics are cool, and i absolutely love Anime. But to take live action and try and make it look animated makes no sense to me. It was very artistic and well done, but still...and i'm rambling. Slumdog Millionaire was a brilliant film. This was the first time i'd seen it. Incredible story, great cinematography, well produced. I really enjoyed that movie. Probably one of the best movies i've seen i a while. Eragon was pretty good too. The use of CG made to look real was pretty good. And the guy who plays Eragon (to lazy to look up his name atm) is deffo very cute. Yes, even in my sickened state, my pervy eyes know no rest. Hey, what else have i got to think about?

While i'm home sick, i think i'lll try and watch some of the anime i have bought and never watched. I have at least a dozen full series on DVD that need to be watched. Stuff like "Ergo Proxy", "E'S Otherwise", "Gantz", "Basilisk", "Samurai 7", "JYU-OH-SEI", "Mushi-Shi", and more. I got hooked on anime by watching the stuff played on Adult Swim such as "Neon Genesis Evangelion", "Cowboy Be-bop", "Deathnote", etc. All of them have some really interesting story lines and incredible animation. I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff. Anyway, i do the same thing with anime as i do with movies. I go to the store, browse the selection and buy what looks interesting. I'm waiting for the day that i buy a duplicate series and don't realize it until i've opened the package and go to file it away. No returns on opened merchandise!

Well, sorry for the boring post. I'm bored and lonely, so you all get to suffer my random thoughts and such. Have i mentioned that i'm bored and lonely?

Maybe some music will cheer me up. I have been listening to a lot of stuff in the electronic/dance genre lately. Sirius channel 38 "Area" has been playing in my car for ages now. By far, my favorite DJ to date is Tiesto. It's hard to really get a feel for how good he really is without sitting down and listening to one of his albums from start to finish. They flow like nothing else i have listened to in a long time and begin to take on a life of their own. They start slow and work up to a climax and then slowly let you back down again before finishing strong. Each listen is an adventure that covers a whole range of feelings and emotions and experiences. This track is from his "In Search of Sunrise 7: Asia" album. Wounded Soul...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Grand Conjuration

I'm on holiday for the next 10 days. Hooray. I have no plans and nothing to do. It will be nice to get a break from work, but what the hell am i going to do for a week? Stay up late and listen to music and surf porn? I pretty much do that already. Maybe hit Craigslist and find some random hookups since the whole finding a legit bf plan isn't really working? It's a bit late to book a trip anywhere, and arrange for someone to house sit. Hmm...guess i'll just chill at home and sleep all day. How long does pot stay in your system? Maybe i could just veg out and get stoned...just gotta make sure my pee is clean when i go back to work haha.

I went and bought a new car last week. This car is going to be my daily driver. I decided that the new S5 i have on order is too nice to drive everyday and beat up, and run up the mileage. Anyway, when researching cars, i wanted a car that was all wheel drive and comfortable for my two hour round trip commute. I also wanted a great sounding stereo system, as music is the only thing that keeps me from killing other motorists on my drive to and from work. People are stupid to begin with, but put them behind the wheel of a car and they get down right fucking scary. So, it was down to Subaru and Audi for my final choices. The lease on a Subaru worked out to be about $40/ month less than the Audi. So, me being me, i rationalized and said whats an extra $40 a month for an Audi? Short story long, there is a new 2010 Audi A4 in my garage as we speak. It's got the 2.0T engine and Quattro all wheel drive, so it's not near as fast as the S5. But it's got plenty of get up and go for everyday driving. It does have the iPod connector, so all of my music is in the car at all times which rocks. Interestingly, it's the same color as the S5 i have on order. So, i will have twin Audi's when the S5 gets here. Woot. Now i just need to get some roof racks to haul my bike around. Yes, i am a right snob having two brand new Audi's.

^ The new ride in all it's glory

I've been hanging out with my student from work quite a bit lately. Yeah, i know it's kind of a conflict of interest being buddies with my student when his future is dependent on me being a good instructor, but he's the only friend i have who is still single and doesn't have a wife and kids or bitchy girlfriend or boyfriend or partner or whatever. It's nice not being a tag along and actually having someone to talk to who pays attention to you instead of his gf or whatever. Besides which, we share a lot of interests like cars and music and aviation, etc. Plus, he's kind of cute in a geeky sort of way. But he's straight as an arrow. Or so he says...

Opeth are one of my favorite bands. Their music isn't for everyone, as a lot of people are really turned off by the growling vocals. But, if you really listen to the music you will hear just how fucking brilliant they are. Amazing chord progressions and use of odd time signatures create a listening experience that is awe inspiring. The music goes from brutal to mellow and back to brutal several times within a song and each album seems to be better than the last. The Grand Conjuration...

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Yippy Skippy

After much stress and aggravation, i finally got a check in the mail from my insurance company as settlement for my car. I made out pretty good all in all. They paid me almost all of what i paid for my car (the settlement was about $415 light), plus sales tax and licensing fees. Not too shabby. The only problem is that a replacement is going to cost me about $3000 more than my car did. Fuck it, it's only money.

Last tuesday, i met Mikey for lunch (well, he ate before we met, so i made a pig of myself while he and then we went car shopping. We took a test drive in the new Audi S4. It has a brand new 7 speed dual clutch S-tronic transmission with paddle shifters. What a blast that thing is to drive! Instant up and down shifts, power to spare, classy machine. The voice control system could use a little work I think Mikey is turning into an Audi-phile like me lol. What can i say, he's got class. :P And we looked really awesome driving around in my other car, a semi-ghetto 1999 Pontiac Trans Am. Don't get me wrong, it's a fun car to drive (goes really fast in a straight line), but it looks very dated. And the windshield is cracked. The only thing we were missing were mullets. lol.

I got the pleasure of inspecting an Audi R8 up close and personal. What a sexy machine! That is what a car should be! On saturday, i had to drive up to Seattle to drop off my deposit check for my new car (more on that in a sec), and the dealer had a "used" R8. I got to sit in this one, start it and revel in the beautiful noises the 4.2 litre V8 made as i revved is a few times. I think i'm in love. I wonder if i could sell some internal organs on the black market to finance the purchase of one of those...

Anywho, i ordered a replacement vehicle for my wrecked S5. What did i order? Yep, another Audi S5. It's slightly different from my old S5. I orderd it in Phantom Black Pearl (the old one was brilliant black) and stainless steel interior trim (old was carbon fiber). Just different enough to be interesting and new again, yet comfortable and familiar. Much to my surprise, the 2010 model year brought some much welcomed improvements in the electronics and navigation systems (my old car was an '09). The nav system is now hard drive based as opposed to DVD-ROM. So, access to info stored on the drive is much quicker than it was on the previous system. It also allowed huge improvements to the mapping on the nav screen. It's now displayed in 3D with terrain and a "flying" view rather than just and overhead plan view. The in dash disc player is a single disc drive instead of the 6 disc changer on the old car, but now plays DVD's on the nav screen when parked. The new car also has built in memory card readers in the dash to allow music to be played and transferred to the cars internal hard drive for music anytime! This is on top of the iPod connection and full control of the device via the new MMI (multi media interface) controller. Instead of just having a rotary knob for making selections on menus, it has a little joy stick built in to the center of the knob now as well. Vastly improved functionality. The last improvement comes in the form of a sport differential as part of the Drive Select option. It's an electronically controlled differential that can be set up to allow more aggressive handling through the twisties. I can't wait to toss this car around a I should almost thank that stupid bitch for running into me! Not really though, as it's still costing me moneys. So, in 3 or 4 months i'll be the proud new papa of an S5.

I think i might be mildly retarded. I have had my new MacBook Pro for almost a month now, and i'm still not used to it's operating system. I guess that windows brainwashing is hard to get rid of. I still love the Mac though! What a beautiful piece of engineering it is. I don't regret spending the money on it. I just need to pull my head out of my ass and figure out how to take advantage of all it's potential.

Are you still reading? Wow! I'm impressed! I mean, i'm bored ffs, and i'm the one typing this fucking blather!

Nothing has changed otherwise. I still haven't met anyone, or heard back from a certain someone. I have spent quite a few hours online reading profiles and composing thoughtful emails to guys i'm interested in on a couple of different dating sites and networking sites, and have had no responses. So, what is wrong with me? I mean, i work with a guy who is both fat and ugly (sorry, but its true) and he met a girl on the same dating site i'm using. This chick could be a model ffs! Not only is she good looking, but she's smart too!! He's got the personality of my toe nail clippings, has got to be close to 375 pounds and has a face only a mother could love and he's hooking hotties online. What the fuck am i doing wrong? Where is my smart cutie?

I have been out of control spending money lately. I have spent more money on clothes in the last six months than i probably have i all of my life previously lol. And music...omg. I placed a $425 order from amazon last week. CD's are piling up everywhere, and the rare vinyl (yep, i still buy vinyl records lol) is stacking up too. Oh, yet another new pair of sunnies...really smexy Ray-Ban aviators. If i had a boyfriend, this money would be spent spoiling him lol.

It's been a month since i've had a drop of alcohol. A close friend at work came to the realization he has a problem with drinking. So, his goal was to dry out for a month and see how things go. I offered to quit drinking for a month right along with him as moral support or whatever. Drinking isn't good for me anyway, and it was difficult at first, but i don't really miss it. I do need it as a social lubricant though lol. It tends to mellow me out and loosen me up a bit. Maybe a little now and then wouldn't hurt. :P

THANK YOU JESUS!!! The rain has returned! I am something of a weirdo...i'm quite insane actually. I like cool, cloudy, rainy weather. well, its cool cloudy and rainy outside right now. Classic Seattle weather. I love it! The warm and sunshine we have had here all summer long was wearing a bit thin with me... I guess i'm a true blue Washingtonian. :P

There you have it boys (and girls?). Yet another long, boring post that no one will read! If you have made it all the way to the end, you win a prize of my choosing! What could it be... Lets end this with a song... Dredg are a band i discovered by pure accident a couple of years ago. This song is from their album "El Cielo". This band is amazing. Stellar musicianship, interesting songwriting and crisp production. Each listen reveals something new. I hope you enjoy it!

Thursday, September 24, 2009


My last post made mention of the cute guy I'd met at the concert and how we'd been texting quite a bit and having some good conversations. Well, it's been almost a week since I've heard from him. The last time I heard anything from him was last Friday. So much for even being friends, let alone the possibility of something more. But, it's par for the course. I meet someone, have some great conversations, get excited about all the possibilities and then somehow manage to drive them away. So, now I'm back to having not even the small joy of talking to someone who at least opened the door of possibility to a relationship deeper than mere friendship. Funny how fragile hope really is...

Friday, September 18, 2009


Hiya! OK, so i just got home from work and i'm tired as hell, but OMG what a fun night! I spent my breaks at work texting the guy i met at the concert. :D We have a lot more in common than just the music we listen to. We both love hiking, bicycling, science, music in general, a bunch of other stuff i'm to tired to think of at the moment lol. He seemed very interested in what i do for a living, and i offered to get him in for a tour and he was really excited about that. :P I learned about him a little bit too, and he seems like a really nice guy. He seems a bit like me in some regards (the good ones mostly, but he seems kind of shy like i am). He's still in college, so he's a bit younger than me. But given that we seem to get a long so well, i don't think that will matter much regardless of where this winds up going. I really enjoyed talking with him, and he seemed to like talking to me too. Our conversations flowed really well. We never seemed to stall on any one subject. In fact, i have been home for almost two hours and we have been texting ever since then (he finally said goodnight a few minutes ago). I'm really trying to keep my hopes from getting to high, as i still have no idea if he's even gay or if he knows or suspects that i am, etc. Deep down though, i really do hope this will turn into something more than just a friendship. But i really feel stupid even entertaining that thought. The reality is that it just isn't likely to happen. I'd only be setting myself up for disappointment by expecting anything more than just a friendship. But even with as little as i actually know about him, i really like him (and not just his good looks lol). I probably sound rather foolish rambling on like this. In any event, he will no doubt be a great friend, as we do have so much in common and have proved we can talk for hours about all sorts of things. It seems funny now how nervous i felt talking to him at the concert. It's interesting how asking one little question about how he managed to get such a good seat has got me as far as this, and with so much more possible in the future. Enough of my blather...

Are you sick of me posting songs yet? Tough shit. Get over it. :D So, concert boy mentioned to me that Muse is his favorite band. Muse is one of my favorite bands too. As a way of having a conversation starter, i bought their new album "The Resistance" Wednesday night (i got to Best Buy five minutes before they closed and got the last copy on their about luck!) and gave it a few listens. I would have bought it eventually anyway, but i had a little extra motivation to do it in a timely fashion. :P OMFG, what an absolutely fucking brilliant album! I have listened to this disc non-stop all the car, on break at work, for the third time since getting home from work...haha. Without further ado, "Uprising"...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Kneel and disconnect...

Well, i'm just back* from the Porcupine Tree concert in Seattle (by "just back", i mean several hours ago lol). Wow...what an absolutely amazing show Porcupine Tree put on! I'm not talking about grandiose theatrics, glamor and glitter. Instead i'm talking about the absolute pinnacle of musicianship. Not only is Steven Wilson (Porcupine Trees main songwriter and front man) a musical genius, but all the other members of the band are integral to making the band what it is. Each musician has mastered his craft and the net result is a band that plays super tight and are even better live than they are on the best produced studio album you could imagine.

The show was played at The Moore Theater in Seattle. That venue is one of the most amazing places i have ever seen a concert at. I may be off by a year or two, but i believe the place was built in 1907. What a gorgeous piece of architecture. A anyway, i bought my tickets online directly from the band. I just placed an order for two tickets, and never really had a choice as to where i was going to be seated. Lucky for me, it was a reserved seating venue, not general admission. So, imagine my surprise when i pick up my tickets from will call and see "row A" printed on my ticket. Holy shit!!!! Front row seats to see my favorite band play live!!!!!!! How could this night get any better?!

Well, about 10 minutes before the opening act ("That 1 Guy" - fucking incredible, appeared on stage, a super cute guy caught my eye. Well, imagine my luck when he sat 3 seats away from me. Yeah, he is VERY cute! So, it's pretty easy to start up conversations with people at concerts because everyone is there to see one particular band play. Easy icebreaker. The problem is, there are 2 other people between him and me, and talking across them would be awkward at best. So, i keep stealing glances at him trying not to be too conspicuous, wondering how i can start a conversation with him without looking like a complete twat lol.

So, after That 1 Guy played his amazing set (seriously, his music is man making an incredible amount of music, all on a self made instrument that looks like it was pieced together using scraps of pipe from the Home Depot), there was a brief intermission before Porcupine Tree took the stage. Oooh...maybe i can talk to the cutie! But damn the luck, both people in the seats between us stayed put. Oh well...

For the first half of Porcupine Tree's set, they played their new album "The Incident" from start to finish. Steven Wilson described it as a "song suite", meant to be played and listened to as one continuous piece of music. Being parked two feet from a stack of loudspeakers was great! I could feel a concussion wave with each strike of the bass drum and with each bass note and heavy chord played...fucking awesome! And being 10 feet away from the band and being able to see them all play live was pretty cool too. :P

At the end of the first half of the set, the band took a short intermission. As the lights came up, the two guys sitting between me and cutie got up and left. To where, i don't know and really don't care...this was my chance! So, i slid a few feet over and said "hi" very nervously and I felt so stupid. Guys who i am really attracted to intimidate the hell out of me. I got all clammy and sweaty, despite the fact that i'd been rocking out pretty hard the previous hour and didn't sweat then. Note to self...nerves make me sweat. Back to cutie...after my initial and very awkward hello i asked if he'd seen Porcupine Tree live before, to which he replied no, this was his first time seeing them live. I talked about the last show i saw a little bit, and how this venue was way better. I then asked him how long he'd been listening to them and what his fav song and album were etc. The convo was moving along, but i was nervous as hell and was coming up silent a little to often for me to feel comfortable and that only made me more nervous. So, we eventually started talking about other bands we liked and he mentioned a few i'd never heard of, and i mentioned a few he'd never heard of. Then he mentioned Muse, another one of my favorite bands! Just as he mentioned Muse, the lights went down, and Porcupine Tree took the stage to play the second half of their set.

The second half of the set was just as amazing as the first, and contained a lot of really good songs from their back catalog of material. Again, i really can't stress enough how amazing this band is live! Every song they played had a life of its own, full of power and emotion. And just the sheer difficulty of some of the songs they played inspired awe as they were performed flawlessly. Did i mention this was the opening night of their US tour, and was the first time the band had played any material from the new record, let alone the entire thing? It was pretty cool to be a part of the first audience to hear a new album played live.

After the encore, which was cut short due to some bullshit noise ordinance in Seattle, the lights cam up and i turned to cutie and resumed our convo where we left off. I said, "so Muse is your favorite band eh?". His eyes lit up and he told me they had a new album out as well (which i'd read about, but almost forgot about until he mentioned it). I asked him how it was in comparison to their older material, and he asked what albums i liked best, and i told him in order the ones i liked best. He smiled and said he liked their albums in the same order i liked them. :D Coincidence? lolz. So he described the new record a bit and how it fit in the line up. So, he started to make for the aisle and was saying it was good to talk to me, etc, when i said "I should give you my number so we can talk music!". "Yeah! That would be cool!". So, i introduced myself proper and so did he and we exchanged mobile numbers. :P

Now, i have no idea if he is even gay or not, and i'm not quite sure if he knows i'm gay (probably not, as i look and act pretty straight, although lately i have been dressing a bit more metro lol). But still, i was able to strike up a convo AND get the phone number from a cute guy! Granted, i cheated and used the concert as a conversation starter, but who really cares? I got his number lol! So, if nothing else, i made a new friend. I'm not holding my breath, because he was younger than me, and even if he is gay, probably wouldn't be interested in me in "that way". But i'll take what i can get. A new friend will be nice, and a cute one at that. :p Maybe it's better i went to the show alone. If i'd gone with someone, who knows if i'd have had the opportunity to talk to him, or if whoever i went with would have got to talk to him instead of me...

After that, things went to I parked 8 blocks from the theater to avoid the traffic mess on the streets closer in. I even parked for free, since i got there after 6pm...lucky me! But, as i was driving to the freeway, i got about 1/3 of the way there when traffic stopped. Dead fucking stopped. Gridlocked at 11:15pm on a Tuesday night ffs. It took me 45 fucking minutes to drive the mile to the freeway on ramp. WTF!?! I was about to have a serious road rage No reason for it, no construction, not really anything going on to warrant that level of gridlock hellishness. But i maintained an even strain, thinking of the cute guy who i got to talk to and whose number now resides in my mobile phone...lolz.

On the car front, the insurance rep i'd been dealing with rang me up today and told me she had fought long and hard with the home office, and finally got them to agree to pay me almost what i'd paid for my car, plus sales taxes (9.3% in my county) and licenses and registration fees. All told, i'm getting $415 less for my car than what i paid for it. Plus, the service and maintenance plans and the GAP coverage i bought are all refundable pro-rated to the date of loss. All in all, not too bad. Now to nail the bitch who hit me to the fucking wall with the bodily injury/pain and suffering suit. I want to see her living in a cardboard box under the interstate... *laughs evilly* She picked the wrong guy to run into. -_-

Once again, i shall end my post with a song. This is a cut from Porcupine Tree's newest album "The Incident" called "Time Flies". Pretty good tune, and the videography is pretty interesting too. So, does anyone actually watch/listen to these songs?

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Incident

So, yay, Porcupine Tree have a new album out titled "The Incident". I got my download copy this morning, and my physical copy came in the post this afternoon. What a great band. Porcupine Tree also open the US leg of their tour in Seattle tomorrow night, and i've got two tickets to the show. Porcupine Tree are one of those bands that are just as incredible live as they are in the studio, maybe even more so. The last time i saw them play was a couple years ago, and they were brilliant. The problem is, i bought two tickets thinking i'd have someone to go with when the show came around. Well, i've got no one to go with lol. Bummer. See what happens when i try being optimistic? I get the shaft lol. I buy two tickets hoping i'd meet someone to take to the concert with me and i still wind up going alone. So the next time anyone accuses me of being pessimistic, try to remember that from my perspective i'm simply being realistic.

I'm still playing games with the insurance companies about the value of my car. I hope they get off their fucking asses soon, because its coming up on payment time and i'd hate to make another payment on a car that's wrecked. Plus, my second car is falling apart around don't roll up, t-top roof leaks, half the stereo speakers are blown out, gears are making a funny noise. Its a mess. And it almost left me stranded once. It can't be trusted any longer. I need a new car.

I got to talk to my dream guy for a while on friday. God, is he amazing. Too bad he's so straight and in love with his girlfriend! Every time i think i am getting over how i feel for him, all it takes is to just pass him in the hallway at work for me to turn into a love sick fool. It's such a mix of emotions. He makes me feel happier than anyone i have ever known. Yet at the same time, i feel more sad and alone than ever because i know i will never be with him. Very strange indeed...

So, here's another song for you all to enjoy (or not). The Pineapple Thief are yet another absolutely brilliant band that will probably never get the recognition they deserve. This song is from their most recent album "Tightly Unwound" and really strikes s a nerve with me...not just musically, but lyrically as well. Such an emotional piece of music. Then again, what do i know...

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A step in the right direction.

Yay!!!! My first post using my new 17" MacBook Pro!!!! What a sexy machine. It'll take some getting used to (removing all the windows based brain-washing i've had shoved down my throat over the years), but already i love this machine. The only thing i upgraded was the hard drive. I went with the 7200 rpm drive over the standard 5400 rpm drive. I was thinking about upgrading the processor, but $300 for a 3.06Ghz processor over the standard 2.8Ghz one seemed a bit absurd.

Anyway, last friday i got a bit of good news. The insurance company has decided to total my car. That means i wont be getting my mushed up machine pieced back together and handed back to me. I get to go buy a new one, once the insurance pays out of course. I still won't recover all my losses, as all i get is fair market value, not replacement value. I have to eat sales taxes, cash down payments, etc. So, that sucks, but its better than getting a crap car back from the shop after its been "repaired".

So, like i said, i get to buy a new car now. As of this moment, a new S5 will take anywhere from 3 to 6 months to order. Most of the cars in the pipeline are already spoken for. Much less, they may not be optioned the way i want them or be the right color. Which leads me to... What color should i get? The one that got trashed was Brilliant Black. I like black cars, but was tossing around the idea of Phantom Black Pearl Effect. It's still black, but has color changing properties in different light conditions. Pretty cool. Or, maybe custom order a color. I have been thinking about maybe Daytona Grey Pearl, or Lava Grey Pearl. I'm really leaning towards Phantom Black Pearl. Maybe i'll do a poll, let you help me decide. :p

On to business once again... I meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to discuss options for recovering the losses that insurance won't cover. And to see what i can expect from the bodily injury/pain and suffering claim. My neck and lower back are a bit out of whack after the accident, and i've been to a doctor and chiropractor several times already now. Massage therapy seems to help a lot, and i slept better after that than i have in years.

I'll finish this post with a song that i have really been listening to a lot lately. "Gardens" by Heavens. Good stuff. The whole CD is pretty good, but this track is my fav by far. Enjoy!

Saturday, August 29, 2009


First of all, it is possible to have a strong emotional attachment to an inanimate object. It's not weird or foolish or materialistic. Sometimes something will just have an effect on a person. Not love, as love is only felt between people. But there is emotion of some sort involved. That said...

If ever there was a shit week, this was it. Just when you think things can't possibly suck anymore than they already do, life grabs you by the balls and not only squeezes them as hard as it can but gives 'em a little twist for good measure.

So as you most likely read in my previous post, i had my first date last week. It was the greatest day of my life. That came to a rather odd conclusion when the guy who was seemingly into me as much as i was into him stopped calling/texting/im'ing/emailing and stopped responding to all such forms of communication. WTF?! OK, he changed his mind and flaked out on me. Whatever, at least i was happy for a brief moment.

So, i mentioned a little about another guy i had been talking to via text for a couple of weeks. We met on a dating site, and he actually gave me his number and said lets talk/text. Cool! A seemingly great guy, good job, stable, great sense of humor, likes a lot of the same music/movies i do. This could turn out well. So, on Tuesday morning really early, we were texting and an opportunity arose to see if he was interested in going out on a date. Now, i had been trying to keep my excitement in check all the while i was talking to him because as life has taught me, if you get excited, whatever you are getting excited about will be snatched away from you. Fatal mistake: i let myself get a little bit excited about him. So what happens when i ask him if he'd be interested in going out you ask? And i quote "Well, to be 100% honest, there's a boy back in the city i've been trying to get together with all summer and haven't been able to because of my travel schedule and his travel schedule". Oh, wonderful, well good for you, i said as my soul was deflated once more.

That brings us to yesterday, Friday August 28, 2009. I slept for shit once again, but forced myself out of bed on time. I had a little breakfast, checked my email, took a shower and left for work around 12:45 pm, actually on time for a change! Cool! I'll have time to go out of my way a bit and swing by my favorite coffee stand instead of getting crap coffee and shit service from the Starbucks that's right on my way to work. Seemed like a nice little treat to help the day move along. So much for that fucking plan...

As i'm driving along minding my own business, i see brake lights ahead and a long line of cars waiting behind a traffic light. WTF?! This is odd, not usually this much traffic. Oh, i see...there's a state trooper on the shoulder with his lights on. Stupid fucking people are looking at the shiny object on the side of the road. So, i stop my car and am wondering why things still aren't moving now that the traffic light is green and the trooper is behind us. I take a glance in my rear view mirror just in time to see a massive white object bearing down on me. I had enough time to think "fuck, that's going awfully fuckin fast" and utter the first sixteenth of a syllable of "oh shit" as the fucking drooler piloting the giant sport utility vehicle slams into the back of my car going close to 40 mph. The force of the impact slams me back into my seat, and i rebound forward into the seat belt and back into the seat again a couple of times, and pushes my car into the car in front of me, and that car into the one in front of him, and that car into the one in front of him. Now i'm fucking PISSED. Once i get my bearings, i get out of my car and scream at the the dizzy bitch sitting in her now deployed airbag at the top of my lungs "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY CAR YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!!!!". Her reply, "i didn't mean to"... Well, fuck you. Fuck you very much. It's about this time that the statie asks me to return to whats left of my vehicle.

I spend the next 45 minutes filling out incident reports, arranging for a ride home, calling work to tell them i won't be coming in today, and contemplating the complete cluster fuck that is my life. So, it's not enough that i was closeted for 2o years, that i live a lonely and unhappy existence, that i can't get a date, and when i do the guy never wants to see me again, or that i get a ray of hope in the form of a guy who gave me his number to call and text him and hopefully date and then have my hopes crushed when he tells me there's no chance for a date. Nope, that's not enough. I know, take his car! He loves that car...that'll push him over the edge if you take his car. Fuck you.

So here's the deal. The car is pretty well fucked. If it's not a total loss, it's damn close. The only body panels that are untouched are the doors. The hood, both front quarter panels and front bumper and grill? Check. Roof panel? Check. Rear quarter panels, trunk lid, and bumper? Check, check and check. Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK!!!!! The tow truck driver asked if i had the tow ring that screws into the front bumper and i'm like it's in the trunk tool kit under the spare. He goes to look and says, "have you looked in the trunk?" "No", i say, "why?". "Just come have a look." So, the trunk had to be pried open, and the spare tire well was squished as such to trap the spare tire and make getting at the tool kit under it impossible. Cargo tie downs that are attached to the frame are maybe eight inches forward of their original positions and about six inches lower. There is major rear frame damage and god know whats hidden away lurking in dark corners.

So, if the insureance assholes say "yeah, it's repairable" i'm fucked. Then i'll be stuck with a car that will never be the same again. It'll be full of odd rattles and squeaks and odd smells and will drive funny and will have goofy electrical problems for the rest of its days. The fucking factory puts those cars together in a certain order for a fucking reason, everything needs to fit correctly. Once its smashed to bits and put together again Frankenstein style, nothing is the way it was, i don't give a good goddamn how great the repair shop is. The car will have recorded damage history and will make resale value turn to dog shit. No one wants to buy a car that's been near totaled and patched together again. So i'm stuck with it...a rattle trap that i couldn't sell in exchange for fly shit AND a huge ass monthly payment for the next 5 and a half years.

Now, if by chance it's totaled out, i'm equally fucked but in a slightly different way. Then the insurance will cut me a check for market value of the car, not replacement value. That means, i will get a check that probably won't cover the loan balance. No worries tho, i've got gap protection. But there's still the matter of the ginormous cash down payment i made on the car to cover shit like extended warranties, gap coverage, sales tax, the loss i took on my trade in, etc. What about that loss? Tough shit. So basically, i am fucked raw, dry and hard either way it goes. One way or another, some stupid, inattentive cunt has caused me grief and cost me money. And what does she lose? Maybe $500 for her insurance deductible? A ticket for inattentive driving? What a crock of shit.

And before anyone says "It's just a car. Don't stress about it". NO. It's NOT just a fucking car. That car was the representation of a lifetime of hard work, a symbol of what i've achieved. Plus, it made me look good, got heaps of looks from cute boys. Most importantly, it made me happy. I was happy driving it, happy looking at it, made the days when i really didn't want to go to work seem worth while. I don't normally wish bad things upon people, but i've been sending out some especially hateful vibes in the direction of the dingbat who was too busy doing something OTHER than paying attention to the road while driving.

^ My baby, barely a week old.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

First date

So, here i am, still alive and kicking after all this time. Thought i'd check in and say hi since i've been hearing from very reliable sources that people were starting to wonder what happened to me. Basically, things have been pretty droll. I called in sick to work three days last week because i haven't been sleeping to well recently and have actually been pretty depressed again. I can't even begin to describe the feelings i've been having. All the stress of coming out is gone. Like i said in a previous post, i now know that coming out is the easy part. At least for me it was because i'm severely handicapped in other areas of my life that make finding happiness post coming out rather difficult.

Like my age. Yeah yeah yeah...i keep hearing that 33 isn't that old. Well, i call bullshit. When the vast majority of gay singles are in their mid 20's, 33 is right fucking old. And personally, i want to meet a guy who is as inexperienced with being gay as i am (yeah, from a sexual point of view as well). Yup, still a gay virgin. Let me tell you, it fucking sucks! I have been wanking over cute guys since i was 14, but have never done the deed. At this rate, it looks like i never

Another handicap is my work hours/days off. My work week runs Thursday thru Monday. I work friday night and have to be to work at 5:30am on Sunday morning, so Saturday night is pretty much a total loss. So, that leaves Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. Not a whole helluva lot happening anywhere on those nights. Oh sure, a shitty taco night here or extended happy hour there. But no one else is out doing anything because they all work normal days and hours.

My "friends" are pretty much useless for anything but blowing sunshine up my ass about "you'll find someone" or "you're not too old" or "there's nothing wrong with you, you're a great guy! the reason no one messages you or you haven't met anyone is because you're just looking in the wrong places." or my my favorite "at least your finding out who isn't right for you". So, the people i work with are kind of like a little family i guess. But, they all have real families. I am the only single guy on my crew. Everyone else has wives and girlfriends and kids. So, the wives and girlfriends won't let their men go out with the crew homo to give him a little moral support when trying to check out a gay bar or two. Or the ones who do, want to haul their wives with them...yeah, real fun. So, basically you're going to keep your wife/girlfriend entertained all night long making me look like a fool sitting there by myself and feeling out of place. I love being the fifth wheel.

The crux of the matter is i have no one to go out with, no one who knows anybody to introduce me to, nobody to set me up and nobody to offer and real, actual helpful advice as to how to meet people locally or even where to go to meet people. With the exception of various clothing stores in the mall, where there seems to be an abundance of very cute, very gay guys working (all of whom would tell you i'm way to fucking old to go out with them), and the possible gay pizza boy, i have no idea where to go. Yeah, a fucking gay bar, i know. Again, the gay clubs are an hour and 2o minutes from my home and that's a long way away when you are driving home mostly drunk. Yes, i know i don't have to drink, but if i'm gonna be anywhere near social, i need booze. So, this post has pretty much just been me whining, hasn't it? and has nothing to do with a first date does it? Read on...

So, yeah, being out is heaps of fun. Nobody gives a shit i'm gay. I wish i had come to that realization 20 years ago so i wouldn't have wasted my fucking life away being alone and miserable. I know, i can't change the past so just let it go, right? Well, let me tell you something...carrying all the shit i've been carrying for all these years isn't something one can just "let go" of. All the "what ifs" just kill me. I missed out on innocent teenage sexual experimentation, dating, falling in love, and just being a normal, happy kid. Now all the guys who are at my level of sexual experience are way younger than me (and yes, i'm talking LEGAL ages here). So, it looks like i will have a teacher (if i can ever find someone) rather than someone to mutually explore my sexuality with. That may not seem like much, but i feel like i gypped myself out of so much. And now something like innocent fun will be more like getting training in the use of a new appliance than having fun.

Moving along, i want a motorcycle. Bad. But not just any motorcycle. A fast motorcycle. A ballsy motorcycle. An Italian motorcycle. A Ducati Streetfighter S (make mine black please). Yes boys and girls, it's a penis substitute, in a manner of speaking. Some guys (mainly sister-fucking rednecks) buy the biggest, tallest, stinkiest diesel powered Ford pick-up truck they can find because their dicks are only 2" fully erect. I need my fix in the form of high speeds and danger. Flying small aircraft, doing 140 mph in my hot rod European sports coupe on public highways, and 200 mph motorcycles. But make no penis is both adequately sized and fully functioning. It simply doesn't see much Hence, i want to go faster and do it more dangerously that ever before. "Those things are dangerous" a friend of mine keeps telling me. Yup. They most certainly are. But they are fast as hell, and give ya one hell of an adrenaline rush. "You'll kill youself on one of those". That's a distinct possibility, but if i do it will happen so fast i won't have time to reflect upon the situation. So in the meantime, it will be a nice little distraction to not getting laid.

"Finally! I thought he'd never shut the fuck up about the motorcycle or his shitty sex life!!!" Ok, so i had a date last week. I met him on a dating site. We had been talking online and texting for a couple weeks and finally agreed to meet for a date. So, i took him to a nice seafood place down on the water front (he told me seafood was his favorite food). On the drive to the restaurant, we had some great conversations, just like we'd had online and in texts. I was worried it would be awkward and we'd not have anything to say, but it was very relaxed and natural. Dinner was much the same. We had very few silences and the ones that we did have weren't awkward, fidgety silences. It was like we were completely at ease with each other and had known each other for years. Dinner was fabulous, and we both ate way too much good food. So, after dinner we walked off some of our food with a nice stroll along the waterfront, again accompanied by great convo and mutual appreciation of each others company. After our walk and enjoying the sunset, back to the car to head off to a movie. I got us only slightly lost trying to find the freeway, but we were having fun listening to music and talking and just being there in the moment. Went and saw a movie and went back to the car and started talking for a while. Finally our eyes locked and i said to him "You are really cute, you know that?". He gives me a look, half playful, half serious, and said "I'm not cute dammit!". So, i say "fine, you're hideous, but i like you anyway." At this point, he leans over and gives me a kiss. :D Wow!!! My first real kiss with a guy and boy did that feel good! It felt so natural and wonderful i don't have the words to describe it. So, fast forward an hour and a half to when we are about to part ways, we kiss goodnight and hug, and promise to see each other again...

And that's where the fairy tale ends. I wait a couple days to send him a text and ask how he's doing. No reply. I wait another day or so, and call him and leave a voice mail. Still no reply. I text him again a day later and get a short two word reply to my text and haven't heard from him since despite several other texts to him that would require a response from him. WTF?! My god, we got along really well online, great convos, and the date went really well, and HE kissed me! So what the hell did i do wrong? Needless to say, i'm really really disappointed and pretty sad given how promising things looked. I think i'm cursed for sure. I guess it was a fluke, proof that even a blind, old squirrel will sometimes find a nut.

On another front, i met another guy online that i have been texting for about a week. Again, we have a lot in common (including a love of fast cars :P) and have been having a lot of great text convos. He is out of town on business and we have been texting everyday for the last week. :) So, things are looking promising, but i'm trying not to get too excited or seem too eager. In fact, he hasn't said anything about what he wants (friendship only or possibly leading to a LTR, or whatever else). We really seem to click. His sense of humor is pretty much on par with mine (sick, twisted, and a bit I don't know where it will lead, but i'm hoping for the best.

Are you still reading? Wow!!! I'm impressed!!! If you made it all the way to the bottom of the post, you get a little something extra. A coupon redeemable for one free hug from yours truly. *coupon has no expiration date, and must be redeemed in person. coupon has no cash value*

If anything interesting happens, i'll be in touch. For now, i've been awake for 36 hours (caught a short nap yesterday tho) and i need some sleep.


Monday, July 20, 2009


I'm finally out to my mom. I set up a dinner date with her, saying i wanted to take her to dinner in return for her house sitting for me while i was on holiday. Also, i needed to install a new lock set on the front door of her apartment. So, i went over and put in the new locks, and told her i had something to talk to her about and that she may want to sit down. Of course, she doesn't sit down. She just says "what is it?". "Do you want to know why i've been so unhappy and miserable most of my life?" i ask. "What is it?" she says again. So, i tell her. She gives me a long blank stare..."is that it?". Really? What do you mean is that it? "My God, i thought you were going to tell me you had cancer or were dying or something". So i tell her how lonely i've been and still am, how much regret i carry over what i've missed out on, how hard it was to carry that secret, how scared i was of someone finding out. We talked, i cried. She seems to have taken it really well.

So, now all the most important people in my life know i'm gay. All of them still love me, and are there for me and only want me to be happy.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Calling in sick.

So, it's 2:15am and i've just called in sick to work for my shift (later) this morning. I just can't seem to think clearly. I've got way too much on my mind. I can't sleep. The Venture Brothers was on a while ago. It was an episode i've seen ten times already, but i still found it funny. Robot Chicken isn't nearly as funny as it used to be. And what the hell ever happened to Celebrity Deathmatch? This post has become way too random and my head hurts. I think about way too much way too often. I wish my brain had an off switch.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Pics and an update

Last week i came out to four more people. All of them, like all the ones i told before them, were 100% accepting and supportive. One of my friends at work said "well that explains the hair" when i told him. lol. I was actually a bit worried about telling him because he would tease another co-worker about being gay (even though he isn't). I gave it some thought, and came to the realisation he makes fun of everyone, so we are all targets of opportunity for his jokes, including himself. So in the end, it turned out ok, and he still came over for dinner on Monday as we had planned before i told him.

Sunday morning at 4:45am as i was backing out of the garage and leaving for work, i pushed the button to close the garage door, watched it close as i always do to makes sure it goes all the way down, and was a little surprised to see it stop 3/4 of the way down and then go back up. WTF?! OK, something fell in front of the sensor. Get out of the car, go check it out. Nope, sensors are clear. Fuck. Fart around with it for 15 minutes and i can get it to open and close with the manual motor advance button on the garage door opener itself, but not with the controls. So, find my tools to re-atach the manual latches so i can lock the door while i'm away and head for work (now late...whoo-hoo). When i get home, i decide to try to figure it out even though i should be in bed because i need to be back to work in six and a half hours. Well, short story long, I took the thing apart and was checking for loose electrical connections (i found one before when it was acting up and re-soldered the joint and it's worked fine until now) when i found the power transformer and accidentally shorted it out. ZZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPP!!!! One brilliant shower of sparks later, my electrical tester is welded to the circuit board and the garage door opener is dead for Oops...

Yesterday, i went to Mt. Rainier for a little biking/hiking. The bike ride portion was five miles up hill from the park entrance to the trail head, and then back down later (which was a flippin' blast!). The hike was eight miles round trip up to the terminus of Carbon Glacier, the lowest glacier on Mt. Rainier. I didn't bring sunscreen, so i'm a bit crispy today. Well, enjoy the pics!

^ Park entrance.

^ My chariot! lolz

^ Mt. Rainier.

^ Mt. Rainier and the Carbon River.

^ Small waterfalls on the trail.

^ Suspension bridge across the Carbon River

^ View of the Carbon River and Glacier from the bridge.

^ Carbon River valley looking downstream from the head waters.

^ Carbon Glacier and the headwaters of the Carbon River with Mt. Rainier in the background.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

"You stole the fizzy lifting drinks!!!!"

I have always been a fan of Willy Wonka. I especially liked "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" with Johnny Depp (great actor, and easy on the eyes as well). I thought his portrayal of Wonka was a bit more edgy and dark than that of Gene Wilder in the original film. That said, Christopher Lloyd (also an amazing actor) takes it one step further here...

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Tag, i'm it...Where i blog from.

Both Steve and Jeremy have tagged me! This little blogging game was the idea of Tyler at Thoughts of a Gay Boy in Highschool. The rules can be found here.

Above is my upstairs office. As you can see, i am a fan of organized chaos. It looks like a fucking mess (and its is), but it's a mess that has If i were to "clean", i wouldn't be able to find anything at all and would spend a lot of time coming up with new swear words. I hate my desk, and desperately want to re-decorate my office.

Here is where i spend most of my free time when i'm at home...on my couch in my living room. That's my cheapo laptop (it's hard drive is FULL of My most prized possessions are in this stereo system (and related components) and my CD and record collection. I usually have my stereo cranked up when i'm online blogging or chatting on MSN and the TV is tuned in to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim (i watch it on mute and read the closed captions). Multi-tasking is fun...

Lets not forget my handy dandy iPhone. I use this to blog from work (when i'm on break, of course). It's also very useful for reading blogs and checking emails, and last but not least, browsing cute boy pics on the go. :p

So there ya go. A little peek into the world of Deadwing. Now...who to tag... I'm sure by this point, there will be some people who have been tagged already. So, forgive me if you've been tagged already.

Tag, you're it...

-Jonathan: Gentleman's Romance
-Matt: I've Got Rythym and It ain't always music.
-x! : Dawn to Dusk
-Steevo: steevo in cali
-James: Just Me

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Really? Why?

I don't know why, but I have been listening to a lot of electronic/trance/dance music lately. I finally renewed my subscription to Sirius satellite radio, and have had one of their three electronic/dance channels tuned in continuously. Tiesto is my favorite at the moment, and I have been buying his and others cd's like they are going out of style. The production is superb. The beats are infectious. Too bad I can't fucking dance.

When my sister called me yesterday to tell me she's coming for a visit next month and has tickets for both a baseball game and a concert and wanted to know if I'm interested in going with her to those events, she had no idea what I was about to hit her with. After we talked for about 15 minutes, I told her I had something I wanted to talk to her about. Something that needed to be kept secret. I made her promise to keep quiet until I said it was ok to talk and she said "are you going to tell me you're gay?". Bingo. "Really? Why?" Needless to say, she was a bit shocked. We talked for a while longer, and I told her everything. She is like everyone else I've told so far...100% accepting and supportive. She also seems to think that things will go better with my mom than I expect they will. But, I'm still nervous about telling her. The time to talk to my mom is rapidly approaching however.

One of my friends at work actually approached me yesterday and asked if I had something I wanted to tell him. Well, as a matter of fact I do. He was literally next on my list if people to tell and he heard the rumors from someone who has been retired for almost a year. What the fuck?! Goddamn rumor mill! So, I told him and we talked and once again, people are surprising me by how accepting and supportive they are. It turns out his sister is gay. I am out to my entire crew now and more people are finding out everyday. But, still no one seems to be able or willing to hit the town with me or help me network.

Ok, I need to get back to work. Anyone know where I can find a boyfriend? Now accepting applications...apply

Friday, June 26, 2009

Out of control.

First off, huge apologies to everyone. I have been pretty busy as of late, and haven't been keeping up with the blogs as much as i should. I try to read them when i can, but haven't been commenting lately... So, i hope i haven't pissed anyone off.

Anyway, shit has spiraled out of control over here in my little corner of the world. I received a text from Adam last friday telling me that he had just received a text from another co-worker asking him if he knew i was gay. What the fuck?! Someone outed me! So, back up one more step to last Thursday when i came out to another of my co-workers (another lesbian). She and some of the (straight) guys i work with are friends. Apparently, she got a little loose lipped after drinking too much and started blabbing about me to everyone who was present. I still don't have a full picture of how out of control things are, but it is definitely no longer contained and in my hands. So, as a damage control measure, i came out to some more of the people i am closest to at work so they could hear it from me and not the rumor mill. At least half a dozen others are asking questions and so on.'s like i'm in fucking junior high again with all the whispering and rumors.

Fuck. So much for doing this my way and in my own time. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, but fuck... The upside is that of those i have told personally, most were a bit shocked but otherwise very accepting and supportive. So, if i wasn't before, i reckon i am officially out. At this point, i really don't give a shit who knows or not. I do have mixed emotions about the talk behind my back. On the one hand, i can see that maybe they are just respecting my privacy (or more than likely wanting to save their asses from some discrimination action). But really, if they want to know, why beat around the bush? Just fucking ask me.

In other news, i bought a bunch of new clothes while i was on holiday. Picked up a bunch of shirts and pants from Express (using my brothers employee discount...saved heaps of moneys). I gotta say, i look pretty fuckin sharp. lol. Had some blonde highlights put in my hair, so that's looking even gayer than before as well. :p Overall, i have lost about 60 pounds since i started my weight loss crusade. If i could lose another 50 or 60 pounds, i'd be on target.

I went to Milwaukee's pride fest with my brother while i was on hols. Quite a bit of fun, and eye candy galore! But, it did nothing to convince me that i'm not too old for this shit. Most of the guys i saw were in their early to mid twenties. OK, i admit those are the guys i am most attracted to. But something tells me that they aren't as into me as i am them. I feel way too old to be trying to play catch up and have some fun and eventually get into a stable, long term relationship. Oh yeah, i turned 33 last week. I'm now in my mid 30's. Yeah, i'm deffo the old man trying to play a young mans game.

I'm still having no luck trying to talk to CPB. Every time i go in, he is either not there or is busy doing some other work and i don't get seated at his table. I've now asked for his section twice, and have twice been told he isn't serving or whatever. So, i think i may have crossed into creepy stalker territory. lol. In any event, i'm getting well frustrated with the whole situation. Either fate is conspiring against me or it's saving me from some mass humiliation. So, two different outlooks on that whole thing. One, persistence pays off. Keep going in and eventually the odds will fall to my favor and i will get to talk to him, and maybe even get a date (leading to a relationship if i'm a really good boy). Two, i am obsessed with him and should just forget about him and move on. If it were meant to happen, it would have...nothing should take that much effort. The problem with that is, move on where? I still have no leads or connections or prospects for meeting new people. And you can see how well trying to meet people in normal everyday circumstances is working out. lol. I know, i've done a lot in the past few months and shouldn't rush things. But time is running out, folks. I ain't getting any younger or prettier.

So, thanks to everyone for your thoughts, comments and emails. It really means a lot to me. I owe each and every one of you my gratitude. I don't think i'd be where i am if not for your help, advice, support, and friendship. You have witnessed something transformation from a boring, single, lonely and closeted gay man to a boring, single, lonely and OUT gay man. LOL! WTF...

BTW...the new Dredg album "The Pariah, the Parrot, the Delusion" is absolutely fucking brilliant. I have been alternating between listening to that and Tiƫsto's "In Search of Sunrise, Vol. 7: Asia", also fucking brilliant. Yeah, my neighbors hate me coz i've been playing that stuff at top volume at like 3 am... But fuck them anyway... Bwahahahaha!!!!!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


It's been a week now since i cam out to my dad. I am still trying to process exactly how i feel. I certainly feel relieved that he is so accepting of me and loves me just as he did before. Same goes for my little brother. He was actually happy for me that i am coming out. He told me he was near tears when i told him. My dad and brother are 100% in my corner, and both of them have said they will do anything they can to support me and help me out in any way they can. That feeling is indescribable. Knowing that they are there for me no matter what is just so amazing. Unconditional love. I also told my step-mother (who would have found out from my dad eventually) and my brothers fiance. Both of them are also completely and unconditionally accepting. In the process of meeting my brothers co-workers (many of whom are very cute, single gay guys) and my future sister in-law's co-workers i am now out to more people than ever. I'm out!

So far, all of the family i have told are accepting and have said that they just want me to be happy. The more i talked to my dad and brother, the more i am convinced my sister will say the same thing...that she only wants to see me happy. I am going to call my favorite aunt (on my dads side of the family) and tell her this week sometime, and my sister will soon follow. The plan is to have my closest family in the know and in my corner so my mom will be the only one not being supportive and accepting should she freak out. That will make her look like the fool for not accepting me for who i am regardless of her crazy little religious beliefs. But you know, the more i think about it and the more people who know i'm gay and still love me, the less i care about how my mom will react. She is my mom, and i will love her always. But if she can't love and accept me for who i am when who i am is out of my control and was determined before i was born, or shortly thereafter, well it really is her loss. The fact that my dad and brother still love me and care proves that it will be her loss.

So, it's really very liberating being out. But it carries with it an unexpected side effect. All the regret i've been carrying about opportunities missed and my wasted, pissed away youth have been amplified now by knowing that i could have come out when i was 15 and still been loved. Knowing that i could have been out and proud and living life and having fun when i was 15 and through my high school years instead of hiding in the closet and being alone is agonizing. Knowing that i didn't have to miss out on having boyfriends and meaningful, loving relationships and everything else i missed out on through my 20's really weighs on me heavily. Before, it was merely a suspicion that my youth was a waste. Now it is a cold, hard fact. That i have caused myself so much pain and grief is almost unforgivable.

As a result, my social development, as far as relationships and dating goes, is stunted at age 15. That is extremely hard to deal with when turning 33 is only days away. Like Gauss Jordan said in his comment on my "Out to my Dad" post, my gay age is 16 ffs. Now, i know i'm not the only guy in my position, but that is of little comfort. I am doing things and experiencing things i should have been doing when i was in 10th grade ffs! I mean, it's hard enough for me to meet new friends, and especially trying to find a partner. There simply isn't the time or opportunity for the social encounters that were available to me in high school. So, for me to date people who are at the same level of social development as me, i would need to date high school guys. Now there's a sure fire way to land myself a nice felony record and a trip to jail.

Now that i am out, i am able to more freely be myself. It felt really strange talking to my dad and brother about Eric and CPB, and about how i should go about trying to meet a partner. My brother and i and his fiance went to Milwaukee's pride fest when i was out visiting them. Here again, to be able to freely express an interest in guy guy who caught my eye was very different to say the least. To say to my brother, " he is my type" and to talk to my future sis-in-law about which guys we liked was pretty wild. All of the thoughts and emotions i have been keeping bottled up are now out in the open and being talked about with people i love and care about. But again, it has an after effect. Now that i'm out, i have no excuse for being alone, where as before i could use the "in the closet" excuse. I know, i am only just starting to come out. But remember, i have lived my entire life alone and have never been in a relationship before, so the pressure i am putting on myself to find someone is intense. I have a lot of unfulfilled dreams and desires on that front going back almost 20 years and i need to start making up for it before i get any older. In case you are wondering, the thought of turning 33 is depressing as hell.

So, once again i fail at trying to get anywhere with CPB. I went there again tonight, since it's my first night back home (i hate being back too, btw) and it was a monday night when i first met him. So stands to reason he should be there on a monday, right? Well, no. He wasn't there. Again. I'm starting to believe it just isn't meant to be. Maybe i should just admit defeat and cut my losses and move on and forget about my sweet CPB. But i think that will be about as impossible as trying to forget about Eric has been for me. The harder i try to forget about them, more i think about them. The more i think about them, the more i want to be with them. Problem is, neither of them wants to be with me (well, to be fair, idk if CPB does or not, and if Eric does, ffs, please speak up and say so!!).

So, there ya go. One long, boring as hell post to help you sleep better. As far as i've come, i still have a long way to go. The amount of work and uncertainty that lay ahead of me is daunting. Although i feel much better this week than i did last week, loneliness is still an oppressive and continuous part of my life. But, progress is progress. One small step at a time.