Out to my Dad

Well, after stressing myself out to the point of almost having a breakdown, I've done what I thought I could never do. I came out to my dad. What a relief to finally have that weight lifted from my shoulders. The feeling of finally being able to be myself around my dad is indescribable.

My dad and I spent the whole day together, and the opportunity to bring it up to him never presented itself. I was worried that I would have to delay telling him for a while and stress out about it even longer. So, after lunch, and stopping at a music shop to look at some guitars, I suggested we take a walk and work off our lunch. He said sure...that sounds good. So, we head out for our walk and just start chatting about random stuff. I was so nervous, I felt sick. At first I wasn't sure I could go through with it. Eventually though, I just brought it up. I asked my dad if he recalled our phone convo a few weeks ago, and he said yes. I asked if he wanted to hear the whole story, start to finish. Again, he said yes. I said that he may not like the way the story ends. He again said to me that there is nothing we couldn't overcome.

So, I told him that my depression has two main causes as far as I can tell, and that they are closely related two each other. I told him that one of the reasons I'm depressed is that I am so alone, and have been for a long time. I went into some detail about my loneliness. I finally just turned to him and said "dad, I'm gay". He acted a little surprised, but said the thought had crossed his mind. He said that it more than ok, that it changes nothing about how he feels about me, that he loved me. I told him a little about how I felt about the boy in my first grade class, and how I had no idea how to make sense of those feelings. I told him that I knew I was gay from the time I was in middle school. I told him how hard it's been carrying that secret for so long. He said he wishes I would have told him sooner. I only wish I had.

I am hanging out with my brother tomorrow, so I will probably tell him then. My dad seems to think my bro will take it well and be cool with it. I will let you know how it goes.

Now, if I could only find a boyfriend...

Oh great.

So ends another work week. I have had about seven hours of sleep over the last four days. Needless to say, i'm a bit cranky. I am an insomniac. I am dead tired all the time, yet i can't sleep. My little brain just keeps spitting out random thoughts about all the things i've got going on in my life. There's been a lot on my mind lately, but for the last week or two, i've been feeling pretty optimistic. Things have been falling into place, and for the first time in a very long time, i have felt like i am making progress in my life. Sure, there's still heaps of shit to take care of, but at least i'm doing something about it. That's kind of gone away the last couple of days.

The buzz has worn off from coming out to my friend at work, and i've actually felt myself sliding back into my cocoon of depression and self loathing once again. It sucks. At first glance, my life would seem to be pretty good, and on a lot of levels i guess it is. I'm not in danger of losing my job or being laid off, i have a roof over my head and food on my table, and have more useless material shit than anyone needs. Although i'm making progress, my life is still a very lonely place. I don't think i will ever feel whole until i find a guy who will love me forever. But alas, my standards a probably a bit too high for being 32, out of shape, and having thinning hair. My prospects are very slim indeed. And the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, scares me more than anything. God, i feel old... Being terminally shy, and having a stack of self confidence and self esteem issues isn't helping me either.

I have been trying out a couple of these online dating site over the past few months. The conclusion i have reached about those is that they are all useless pieces of shit. I have sent out almost 70 messages to guys who seem interesting to me ranging in age from 18 to 35. Number of responses: one. One FFS!!! Wow!!!! I really feel good about myself now! I know i'm not porn star material here, but damn, i didn't think i was that bad. Or maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just that every single guy in the known universe is just an asshole. All i want is a guy who I find cute, who's got a good sense of humor, is caring, compassionate, smart, etc. I'm not asking for too much, am i?

The bottom line is time is running out for me. In three months, i'll be 33. I might as well be 63. With each passing day, i can feel more and more possible partners slip just beyond my reach. And when i think about all of the opportunities i have watched pass me by from the confines of my closet, it only serves to depress me further. What is wrong with me? Why have i stood idle by and watched all these possibilities, opportunities, and life in general just pass me by for all these years?

To top things off, Eric has changed days off. This really sucks, because now i never get to see him. It also sucks because we won't even be able to do things together outside work now. We were planning on going hiking and doing some bike riding together. Maybe this will be for the better, as not seeing him everyday will help me to get over him. At the same time, seeing him and spending time with him is one of the few things that actually made me happy, even though i knew there was no chance of us ever being more than just friends. I miss him already.

Time for a stiff drink and a couple of Tylenol PM's. That ought to put my ass to sleep. And when i wake up, maybe i'll find Eric in bed with me and discover that this confusing, frustrating mess i call a life has all been nothing more than a bad dream...