Why is it that the people we depend upon the most in life when times get tough also are the ones who cause us the most stress and aggravation? Yes, i'm talking about family. My family are the most frustrating, maddening group of people you'd ever want to meet. I love them dearly, but some times they make me want to fucking KILL.
Mostly it's the female members of my family that bring these emotions to surface in me. Take my mother for example. Yes, she is my mom and i'm sure she loves me very much, as i do her. But she can be the most manipulative, and childish person i know. Tonight (or last night now i guess) she called to ask what i bought my boyfriend for Valentines Day, as i'd asked her what she thought about the gifts i was considering (i wound up buying him a rather pricey bottle of cologne and a gift card to the salon where he gets his hair done). After our brief convo about V-day gifts, my mom said that my sis had sent a package to my house for her and that it's scheduled to arrive tomorrow and would i please call her when it arrives. OK, sure, no problem. "Oh by the way", she says, "i didn't know if you knew or not but you are going in with your sis and dad and me in paying for your brothers honeymoon as his wedding gift." Excuse me? Did you just volunteer me to pay for one quarter of my brothers honeymoon?!?! Yes, i believe you did. "How much is that going to cost?" i ask. "Well", she says in a rather irritated tone of voice, "you don't have to if you don't want to but the rest of us are". Yes, she tries the guilt trip maneuver. I said that i'd consider it, because, well, why would i want to commit to paying for one quarter of something when i don't even know how much it will cost? Even though it's for my brother (who we will discuss later), why is it just assumed that i have bags of cash lying around to pay for OTHERS vacations ffs?
That settled, she comes around to asking if i can take her and my sister to the airport and pick them up when my sister takes my mom to Hawaii in a few months. I say, and i quote, "Sure, i guess". "Well, why wouldn't you want to?" she asks me. Well, for one, i have to get up early to take you there on my day off, two it's a fucking hour, hour and a quarter drive there, and an hour, hour and a quarter drive home times two, three it's my day off and i'm probably going to be out late the night before and running on very little sleep (yes, i know 1 and 3 are very similar). That's what i was thinking, what i said was "It's the airport.". It's at this point she gets all pissed off and says "Just forget it. Why do you have to make everything so difficult?" Well, excuse the fuck out of me! Sorry for not being all excited about having to piss away five hours of two separate days off. I didn't say that of course, but i just told her that even though it's not my idea of fun, i'd do it for her because she'd do it for me (except she's always traveling on someone elses dime and i am always getting to play taxi cab, while i ask for a ride maybe one time a year at most). But that's beside the point. Once again, she tries to make me feel guilty for not being thrilled at the prospect of sitting in traffic and jockeying for position at the departures terminal, as if i should be grateful for the opportunity. So suddenly, i'm the asshole for not being excited about having my weekend interrupted and spending hours in the car when i should be sleeping. Of course, i refuse to play her little mind fuck head game and bow down to her guilt trip, and this only serves to piss her off more. She finally just says "Just let me know when my package arrive, goodbye" and hangs up. Wow, she usually just hangs up. How childish.
Now comes act II. My sister sends me a text a few minute later asking me why i always have to give my mom such a hard time when she asks for a favor and asks just whats wrong with me. What the FUCK? My mom and my sister are thick as thieves. They are co-conspirators in making my life as difficult as possible. For example, last month my sis flew up to visit my mom after her surgery (that i had to take her to the hospital for after working all night on 1 hour of sleep and stay up for 36 fucking hours to take care of her afterward). So, the original plan was that my mom and sis would come to my house and get to meet my boyfriend and i'd cook dinner or my bf would cook for us. Cool, we can eat and drink and maybe play a game or something and they get to know "E" better. Well, the day before all this is supposed to take place, my mom calls and says my sis just wants to go out to eat. Well, why? I thought we had this all planned out. She gets all defensive and pissed off and once again i'm the asshole. Guess what? My sis sends a text and asks what the big deal is (See whats happening? The first thing my mom does is call my sister and tell her what an asshole i'm being. Nice, eh?). Whatever...do what you want. So instead of a fun family night, it's an hour at a fairly crap restaurant with mediocre food. But i'm the asshole.
After a couple more texts with my sis last night, i try and call my mom and ask what time her flights are so i can plan ahead. She doesn't answer the line. I try her mobile, no answer. I know it's on because it rings before going to voice mail instead of going right to voice mail if it were off. She's ignoring me. How typical and childish. I try her home phone again and leave a message. I then try calling my sister and the the same results. Fucking women.
My brother and i were really close when we were kids. I am the oldest and he is the youngest child. Naturally, it fell upon me to be the man of the house after my parents got divorced. I was helping support my family with my paper route money when i was 12, making sure my bro and sis were fed and walked to school and being cared for when my mom was working. My sis has always been fairly independent, but my bro, being the youngest, has always been pampered and coddled. This carries on until this day. He has been getting financial support from my mom, and to a lesser extent, me, from the time he graduated high school and moved out of my dad's house on his own and went to college. Well, he started and stopped college so many times, i lost count, even though he did earn his degree at the age of 27. Not criticizing mind you, just making some points about his nature. He doesn't care about money. He lives simple. Small apartment, few material things, etc. But he is very irresponsible with the money he does have. I still get calls from debt collectors looking for him. So, yes, i guess i was an enabler, but he's my little brother...how could i let him hang out to dry?
I guess my point is this: I am very responsible. I'm the one who gets things done, takes care of business, never slacking for even one moment. I pay my bills, i paid my way through college and got a good job and have more stuff than i can use. But i earned it. I never had anything given to me. My brother on the other hand, has always had everything handed to him on a silver fucking platter. So, why is it that i should work hard and bust my balls working a high stress job so i can pay for my brother to take a fucking honeymoon vacation? Shouldn't people be buying me a vacation for all i've done and for all my hard work?
Please don't misunderstand, i love being able to help my family. There just seems to be a slight inequity in how things are being distributed. I continue to work hard and carry the burden of responsibility, while others reap the benefit of my hard work.
That may sound like some serious whining, but goddamn, it burns my ass. I have been burdened with taking care of my kid sis and bro from an early age. I didn't have much of a childhood because of that and i missed out on a lot. They never had to worry about that. Their lives went on. And while we were very poor when we were kids, things were largely normal for my sis and bro because of my mom's hard work and dedication and because of mine. So, i sacrificed my childhood for them and i still get shit all these years later as an adult? Doesn't seem fair to me. Yeah, i know, life isn't fair. But i'm goddamn sick and fucking tired of being responsible. I want to try and regain what i lost as a kid. I want to quit my job, go on a drug bender and stay stoned for the rest of my life and sit on a beach and drink highly alcoholic but fruity tasting beverages. I won't, because responsibility is ingrained in me. Which makes my internal struggle all that much more difficult. Despite all i have, i'm sick of being me. I want to be the one who gets taken care of and doesn't have to worry about anything. I want to be the one to call upon others to bail me out when i fuck up. I want to sleep until four in the afternoon, smoke a bowl and play my guitar instead of getting up at four in the morning to go to work and being able to have only one drink when i get home because i might get random drug and alcohol screened at work. FUCK BEING RESPONSIBLE.
It seems the only one in my family who doesn't drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy is my dad. We get along like peas and carrots. He's been my best friend since i was a wee lad. We haven't always agreed on everything, but we are always able to talk about our differences in opinion. After dealing with my mom's crap, it's no wonder he divorced her. And i hate to say it, but it's no wonder my sister still hasn't married. She's a mirror image of my mother. No wonder i turned out gay for fuck sakes!!!!!!!!! (For the record, i don't believe people can be made gay, but rather we are born gay.)
So, this isn't the post i had intended to make tonight. I was going to write about some other, more relevant things. Like how much has changed for me in the last year. About how i came out to the first person i knew in real life just about a year ago, and how my life has turn down a new and wonderful road in the months that have passed since then. But the crazy women in my life had to go and get me all spooled up. And the vodka is working its magic now. I also have a wonderful man waiting for me to keep him warm in bed. So, i guess i'll say goodnight. I will make that post soon. For now, i'll just say thank God i'm gay, lest i suffer the wrath of yet another insane woman in my life.