In some areas of my life, I am extremely fortunate. Today, I came out to my brother. Although a bit shocked and surprised, he is behind me all the way. He actually congratulated me on coming out. My little brother and I were really close as kids, and we each have held secrets for each other for many years. I had expected him to be the most accepting of all my family from the beginning, and he has lived up to my expectations. He said he would be there for me mo matter what. His unconditional acceptance of me is just awesome.
My dad and I had a few private moments today and were able to discuss things a little. He said that it is still soaking in that i'm gay, but he is totally supportive and will always be there for me no matter what. I told him that I told my brother and that it went well (as my dad expected). I told my dad how grateful I am for him and my brother. He said there is no need to be grateful, that he and my brother loved me unconditionally. He added that unconditional meant just that. They would love me mo matter what. I asked my dad about how he thought some of my other relatives would react. In particular, how my fav aunt (my dads sis) would react. She knows my dad has been worried about me a lot and actually asked my dad if he thought I might be gay. Winner winner chicken dinner. So following that, he said she would be completely cool with it. In fact, he said most of the relatives on his side of the family would likely be cool. So, my aunt will likely be next to know.
Now that the easy part is out of the way (ha ha), on to the really hard part...telling my mom and sister. My sis is hard to read. After talking to my bro, I get the feeling my sis would be ok after a while. She appearantly has some gay friends, and so is ok with gays. It just might take her a while to adjust to thinking of me as gay. However, she tells my mom everything and so I can't tell my sis until I'm ready for my mom to find out. My mom will freak out on me. Of that I'm convinced. She may still love me, but will never support me and will insist that I'm sick and need treatment. This is getting kinda hard now.
The other difficulty will me in finding a boyfriend. My bro insists that I have heaps going for me and that I will find some one to love who will love me. So, when I get home, winning CPB's (cute pizza boy's) heart will become my priority. I will gladly accept any help anyone can offer in that arena. I have zero experience with flirting and talking to guys I like.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the support you've given me and for your comments. Well, I'm exhausted and need sleep.
Laterz.
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Out to my Dad
Well, after stressing myself out to the point of almost having a breakdown, I've done what I thought I could never do. I came out to my dad. What a relief to finally have that weight lifted from my shoulders. The feeling of finally being able to be myself around my dad is indescribable.
My dad and I spent the whole day together, and the opportunity to bring it up to him never presented itself. I was worried that I would have to delay telling him for a while and stress out about it even longer. So, after lunch, and stopping at a music shop to look at some guitars, I suggested we take a walk and work off our lunch. He said sure...that sounds good. So, we head out for our walk and just start chatting about random stuff. I was so nervous, I felt sick. At first I wasn't sure I could go through with it. Eventually though, I just brought it up. I asked my dad if he recalled our phone convo a few weeks ago, and he said yes. I asked if he wanted to hear the whole story, start to finish. Again, he said yes. I said that he may not like the way the story ends. He again said to me that there is nothing we couldn't overcome.
So, I told him that my depression has two main causes as far as I can tell, and that they are closely related two each other. I told him that one of the reasons I'm depressed is that I am so alone, and have been for a long time. I went into some detail about my loneliness. I finally just turned to him and said "dad, I'm gay". He acted a little surprised, but said the thought had crossed his mind. He said that it more than ok, that it changes nothing about how he feels about me, that he loved me. I told him a little about how I felt about the boy in my first grade class, and how I had no idea how to make sense of those feelings. I told him that I knew I was gay from the time I was in middle school. I told him how hard it's been carrying that secret for so long. He said he wishes I would have told him sooner. I only wish I had.
I am hanging out with my brother tomorrow, so I will probably tell him then. My dad seems to think my bro will take it well and be cool with it. I will let you know how it goes.
Now, if I could only find a boyfriend...
My dad and I spent the whole day together, and the opportunity to bring it up to him never presented itself. I was worried that I would have to delay telling him for a while and stress out about it even longer. So, after lunch, and stopping at a music shop to look at some guitars, I suggested we take a walk and work off our lunch. He said sure...that sounds good. So, we head out for our walk and just start chatting about random stuff. I was so nervous, I felt sick. At first I wasn't sure I could go through with it. Eventually though, I just brought it up. I asked my dad if he recalled our phone convo a few weeks ago, and he said yes. I asked if he wanted to hear the whole story, start to finish. Again, he said yes. I said that he may not like the way the story ends. He again said to me that there is nothing we couldn't overcome.
So, I told him that my depression has two main causes as far as I can tell, and that they are closely related two each other. I told him that one of the reasons I'm depressed is that I am so alone, and have been for a long time. I went into some detail about my loneliness. I finally just turned to him and said "dad, I'm gay". He acted a little surprised, but said the thought had crossed his mind. He said that it more than ok, that it changes nothing about how he feels about me, that he loved me. I told him a little about how I felt about the boy in my first grade class, and how I had no idea how to make sense of those feelings. I told him that I knew I was gay from the time I was in middle school. I told him how hard it's been carrying that secret for so long. He said he wishes I would have told him sooner. I only wish I had.
I am hanging out with my brother tomorrow, so I will probably tell him then. My dad seems to think my bro will take it well and be cool with it. I will let you know how it goes.
Now, if I could only find a boyfriend...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
All the news that is news.
Hi everyone. I haven't had much time for blogging lately, but have been reading what i can, when i can. So, just because i haven't been commenting much doesn't mean i'm not reading your blog. Now that summer is here, i have been outside taking bike rides a lot more frequently and taking walks, etc. OMG...there are well loads of fit guys out there running and biking, and such. Opportunities to purve abound. Maybe i should try getting into running next...all the really cute fit guys seem to run. I love their toned, muscular legs (showcased by their cute shorts) and their slim, fit torsos (showcased by nothing at all, if i'm really lucky). I love summer! Oh, and a huge thank you to all who have left a comment or sent an email regarding my last couple of posts. Your words of encouragement and advice, and just kind words in general mean the world to me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I head out to Wisconsin on 6 June to visit my pops, and will be gone until 14 June, so i won't be on MSN during that time. I know, i know...you are all heart broken and are now curled up in the fetal position, crying softly, wondering just how in the hell you will survive without having me to talk to for a week. That sounds pretty dramatic, but more than likely no one would have noticed my absence if i hadn't said anything...lol. Anyway, i can't find a messenger for my iPhone that works with all my contacts, so you are all shit out of luck...lol. :p I will try to post from my iPhone and keep you updated as to my progress and subsequent success/failure/breakdown.
So, in less than a week i will be out to my dad. I will probably be out to my brother as well. Oh, let's not forget my stepmother either. Holy shit. Am i really going to go through with this? Yeah, me thinks i will. I am pretty nervous about it all, but semi-confident things will work out better than i had originally thought. There is still a chance things will go horribly wrong, and whats left of my life will come crashing down around me. In which case, i will no doubt finally snap and either go ape shit and lead the police on a multi-state high speed chase followed by a spectacular crash, or i will breakdown and collapse into myself never to be seen again. Once my dad and brother know, it will then be time to tell my mom and sister. Both of them will be significantly more difficult to deal with. So much so, i don't even want to think about it now, or i may lose my nerve and not tell my dad. I really think it's time to move on. I think that my dad is ready to hear the truth. I still wonder if he suspects, and if so, for how long. I guess i will find out in a few days.
In other news, i came out to another co-worker on Saturday. Let's call her Beth. She is a new trainee in my area, and i was instructing her on Saturday. Adam and his student were training on the position next to the one i was training Beth on. Beth is a lesbian, by the way. Anyway, Adam was humming some song, and Beth started humming along to it as well. I'm like "wtf song are you two singing?". Beth says "hetero men can be so clueless sometimes". I laughed my ass off, and Adam just gave me some stupid smile and Beth was giving both of us a very quizzical look, but said nothing further. Later, i asked Adam what song it was, and he told me and said "i ought to take away your gay card for not knowing that" and laughed. At the end of the day, i was debriefing Beth about our training session, and said to her "by the way, you almost got me in some serious trouble with Adam before when i didn't know that song. He threatened to take away my gay card for that". She just stared at me and said "you are?". Yep, i am. So, we had a nice little chat and exchanged mobile numbers. One more ally.
Lastly, cute pizza guy... Well, i went back to see him twice last week, and both times he wasn't there. :( So, on Sunday before my overnight shift i decided to stop by for dinner and see if he was in. I made two laps around the place trying to see if i could see him. No luck, and finally the hostess asked if there was something i was looking for. Oops...made myself look suspicious. I just said i was looking for a friend who said he might be meeting me for dinner, and i didn't see him, so just seat me anywhere. So, after i've been seated and have ordered, guess who i see. Yep...my cutie. Damn. Well, he walked past my table, his back towards me (my back was to the wall as well). So, i got to purve for a moment before he turned the corner. :p A few minutes later, he is walking down the aisle directly towards me and i could swear he is looking me over. Maybe it's because he recognizes me from when we met the first time. Or who knows why...maybe he likes me? Nah...couldn't be that. Now i am inventing things in order to give me a false confidence. Or i could just be seeing things and he wasn't looking me over at all. But i'm almost certain he notices me before i notice him and catch his eye. I made eye contact with him, and he didn't look away. I am nervous as hell at this point, and all i can manage is to give him a little wave of my hand and a awkward smile and say "Hi. How is your night going?". He gives me a little smile back, and says his night is going alright. And then he is gone. That is all i managed to say to him. So, my guess is that if he is in fact gay, he probably knows that i am too, and that i'm interested in him. Why else would i make eye contact with some random employee and smile at him and say hi if i'm not interested? He walked past my table one other time, but my loudmouth waitress was barking up the wrong tree and trying to chat me up looking for a good tip. I'm thinking to myself "shut the fuck up and move along!". LOL. So when he walked past me that time, i could see him looking at me from the corner of my eye. IDK, maybe he's in tune and can tell i'm into him. Or maybe he's thinking "why is that creepo guy talking to me and making eyes at me?" Or maybe he really does actually like me too. Who knows. I can't help but feel like i'm setting myself up for a major disappointment. The odds are not in my favor at all. But, lady luck favors the bold. So, my plan is to go try and talk to him again tonight (Wednesday night). Is it too bold of me to first ask if he is working, and then ask to be seated in his section? That might raise some eyebrows, and suspicions. Or make me look like a creepo stalker. But, it would guarantee i get to talk to him a bit more than i have previously. If the hostess tells him i asked for him, he might be freaked out by that and not want to talk, or worse, just write me off as a nut job. Or it could make it even more obvious that i like him and he might be flattered. Ugh...too many variables. I hate not being in control of a situation. I have to find out one way or another though...if i let this go and never find out, i will be kicking myself in the ass for all time. I can't let opportunities pass me by anymore. One last thing about him. Yes, he is really cute (to me anyway), but my attraction to him runs deeper than that. I don't know him, or anything about him, but there is something there that draws me in. Something that makes me feel good in a way i can't describe. Maybe this time, i will finally have a bit of good luck. But, he will probably turn out to be straight... I'll keep you posted either way.
Laterz.
I head out to Wisconsin on 6 June to visit my pops, and will be gone until 14 June, so i won't be on MSN during that time. I know, i know...you are all heart broken and are now curled up in the fetal position, crying softly, wondering just how in the hell you will survive without having me to talk to for a week. That sounds pretty dramatic, but more than likely no one would have noticed my absence if i hadn't said anything...lol. Anyway, i can't find a messenger for my iPhone that works with all my contacts, so you are all shit out of luck...lol. :p I will try to post from my iPhone and keep you updated as to my progress and subsequent success/failure/breakdown.
So, in less than a week i will be out to my dad. I will probably be out to my brother as well. Oh, let's not forget my stepmother either. Holy shit. Am i really going to go through with this? Yeah, me thinks i will. I am pretty nervous about it all, but semi-confident things will work out better than i had originally thought. There is still a chance things will go horribly wrong, and whats left of my life will come crashing down around me. In which case, i will no doubt finally snap and either go ape shit and lead the police on a multi-state high speed chase followed by a spectacular crash, or i will breakdown and collapse into myself never to be seen again. Once my dad and brother know, it will then be time to tell my mom and sister. Both of them will be significantly more difficult to deal with. So much so, i don't even want to think about it now, or i may lose my nerve and not tell my dad. I really think it's time to move on. I think that my dad is ready to hear the truth. I still wonder if he suspects, and if so, for how long. I guess i will find out in a few days.
In other news, i came out to another co-worker on Saturday. Let's call her Beth. She is a new trainee in my area, and i was instructing her on Saturday. Adam and his student were training on the position next to the one i was training Beth on. Beth is a lesbian, by the way. Anyway, Adam was humming some song, and Beth started humming along to it as well. I'm like "wtf song are you two singing?". Beth says "hetero men can be so clueless sometimes". I laughed my ass off, and Adam just gave me some stupid smile and Beth was giving both of us a very quizzical look, but said nothing further. Later, i asked Adam what song it was, and he told me and said "i ought to take away your gay card for not knowing that" and laughed. At the end of the day, i was debriefing Beth about our training session, and said to her "by the way, you almost got me in some serious trouble with Adam before when i didn't know that song. He threatened to take away my gay card for that". She just stared at me and said "you are?". Yep, i am. So, we had a nice little chat and exchanged mobile numbers. One more ally.
Lastly, cute pizza guy... Well, i went back to see him twice last week, and both times he wasn't there. :( So, on Sunday before my overnight shift i decided to stop by for dinner and see if he was in. I made two laps around the place trying to see if i could see him. No luck, and finally the hostess asked if there was something i was looking for. Oops...made myself look suspicious. I just said i was looking for a friend who said he might be meeting me for dinner, and i didn't see him, so just seat me anywhere. So, after i've been seated and have ordered, guess who i see. Yep...my cutie. Damn. Well, he walked past my table, his back towards me (my back was to the wall as well). So, i got to purve for a moment before he turned the corner. :p A few minutes later, he is walking down the aisle directly towards me and i could swear he is looking me over. Maybe it's because he recognizes me from when we met the first time. Or who knows why...maybe he likes me? Nah...couldn't be that. Now i am inventing things in order to give me a false confidence. Or i could just be seeing things and he wasn't looking me over at all. But i'm almost certain he notices me before i notice him and catch his eye. I made eye contact with him, and he didn't look away. I am nervous as hell at this point, and all i can manage is to give him a little wave of my hand and a awkward smile and say "Hi. How is your night going?". He gives me a little smile back, and says his night is going alright. And then he is gone. That is all i managed to say to him. So, my guess is that if he is in fact gay, he probably knows that i am too, and that i'm interested in him. Why else would i make eye contact with some random employee and smile at him and say hi if i'm not interested? He walked past my table one other time, but my loudmouth waitress was barking up the wrong tree and trying to chat me up looking for a good tip. I'm thinking to myself "shut the fuck up and move along!". LOL. So when he walked past me that time, i could see him looking at me from the corner of my eye. IDK, maybe he's in tune and can tell i'm into him. Or maybe he's thinking "why is that creepo guy talking to me and making eyes at me?" Or maybe he really does actually like me too. Who knows. I can't help but feel like i'm setting myself up for a major disappointment. The odds are not in my favor at all. But, lady luck favors the bold. So, my plan is to go try and talk to him again tonight (Wednesday night). Is it too bold of me to first ask if he is working, and then ask to be seated in his section? That might raise some eyebrows, and suspicions. Or make me look like a creepo stalker. But, it would guarantee i get to talk to him a bit more than i have previously. If the hostess tells him i asked for him, he might be freaked out by that and not want to talk, or worse, just write me off as a nut job. Or it could make it even more obvious that i like him and he might be flattered. Ugh...too many variables. I hate not being in control of a situation. I have to find out one way or another though...if i let this go and never find out, i will be kicking myself in the ass for all time. I can't let opportunities pass me by anymore. One last thing about him. Yes, he is really cute (to me anyway), but my attraction to him runs deeper than that. I don't know him, or anything about him, but there is something there that draws me in. Something that makes me feel good in a way i can't describe. Maybe this time, i will finally have a bit of good luck. But, he will probably turn out to be straight... I'll keep you posted either way.
Laterz.
Friday, May 22, 2009
The beginning of the end?
I have taken those first few unsteady steps on a journey from which there is no return. I spoke with my dad yesterday for almost an hour when I should have been working. He is very concerned about me, as I have been noticeably more depressed than usual lately. He started asking me a lot of questions about what's been bothering me. I said I have a pretty good idea of what it is, but that I would rather not talk about it over the phone, that it's very hard for me to talk about. He continued to gently prod me for answers, and I said I want to talk about it but that the phone isn't the place to do it, that I'd rather discuss it face to face.
When I got home from work last night, I went online and booked a flight out to visit my pops in early June when I've got some leave from work. So, my dad knows something is up and now I have a ticket to go see him. At this point, I am pretty much committed to coming out to him in just a couple of weeks. Now that he knows that I am carrying a burden and that I know what that burden is he won't let me skate without talking to him about it.
This morning, I had a voicemail from my dad on my mobile. He was pretty upset about our conversation last night. He called to see how I was doing, and wanted to make sure I was ok. I felt really bad for making him worry so much. I called him back on my break before and had a fairly encouraging conversation with him. First off, I told him about my trip and he was extremely excited to hear I am coming for a visit. The topic then shifted back to me. He again said how worried he is about me and that he was thinking about me all day. He said he would do anything he could to help me. He said that the love between a father and son is unconditional and that there isn't anything that we can't overcome together. He said he only wants for me to be happy. That he misses hearing me laugh. I told him that I have done my best to carry this weight for a long time, but that it has become too great. He said that when I get into town, he and I can have a nice long talk and work things out. He again said that there is nothing that will make him love me any less and that there is nothing we can't overcome. God, I love my dad.
So, we will see what happens. I still have no idea what he suspects might be weighing on me. None of the things he was asking me about gave any clue as to what he thinks. In any event, I am still scared as hell about telling him, but I'm strangely at peace about it. Let's hope this is the beginning of the end for me having to live my life as someone I'm not.
When I got home from work last night, I went online and booked a flight out to visit my pops in early June when I've got some leave from work. So, my dad knows something is up and now I have a ticket to go see him. At this point, I am pretty much committed to coming out to him in just a couple of weeks. Now that he knows that I am carrying a burden and that I know what that burden is he won't let me skate without talking to him about it.
This morning, I had a voicemail from my dad on my mobile. He was pretty upset about our conversation last night. He called to see how I was doing, and wanted to make sure I was ok. I felt really bad for making him worry so much. I called him back on my break before and had a fairly encouraging conversation with him. First off, I told him about my trip and he was extremely excited to hear I am coming for a visit. The topic then shifted back to me. He again said how worried he is about me and that he was thinking about me all day. He said he would do anything he could to help me. He said that the love between a father and son is unconditional and that there isn't anything that we can't overcome together. He said he only wants for me to be happy. That he misses hearing me laugh. I told him that I have done my best to carry this weight for a long time, but that it has become too great. He said that when I get into town, he and I can have a nice long talk and work things out. He again said that there is nothing that will make him love me any less and that there is nothing we can't overcome. God, I love my dad.
So, we will see what happens. I still have no idea what he suspects might be weighing on me. None of the things he was asking me about gave any clue as to what he thinks. In any event, I am still scared as hell about telling him, but I'm strangely at peace about it. Let's hope this is the beginning of the end for me having to live my life as someone I'm not.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
WARNING:
This post is depressing as fuck. Read further at your own risk.
My dad and i are really close, and have been for as long as i can remember. I was his shadow when i was a little kid, and it really tore me apart when my parents got divorced and my dad moved away. Eventually, about seven years after my parents split, i went to live with my dad. That was when i was about 14, and by that time i had already pretty much figured out that i was gay. Granted, i lived in denial of that fact, and tried to convince myself i was bi, but i knew i liked boys and knew what it meant to be gay.
My point is, my dad is my best friend. Although i don't get to see him much (he lives 2000 miles away), we talk on the phone four or five times a week. That i'm gay is the only secret i have kept from my dad. For years and years, i have agonized over this. How will he react if i tell him? Will he still love me? Will our friendship be ruined?
On Sunday afternoon, i had a rather eye opening conversation with my dad. Somehow or another, the topic of the movie Top Gun came up. My dad mentions that he has heard that Kelly McGillis, "that hot blonde in Top Gun", has come out as being as lesbian after all these years. My dad said he heard that she said she has known since she was 12 or something. So, i try to tell him how i feel, with out being too detailed or anything, and relate to him my experience with out telling him that i am in fact gay. You know, how a lot of people who are gay have known since a very early age, how society and peer pressure can force people to stay in the closet, how that causes the person in the closet a lot of grief and unhappiness, stuff like that. My dad just grumbled something and said it with a real "oh, whatever" sort of attitude. Great...this isn't looking so good for me.
I changed the subject a little bit, and brought up gay marriage. I talked about how hung up people are with gays in general, and how gays should be entitled to the same rights as everyone else. He says something to the effect of "well, i have the right two not see to guys kissing on the street, and i ought to be able to kick their asses if i do". I was speechless for a moment, and so stunned that all i could muster was "i wouldn't go that far". OK, so the "kick their asses" comment was said half in jest, as my dad wouldn't really just kick someones ass without being provoked. But, i think he made it really clear that he in no way approves of gays. I would venture a guess that he still labors under the falsehood that being gay is a choice.
So, bottom line, if i come out to my dad, i loose my best friend. Period. It will destroy our relationship. Without my dad's love and friendship, i will have nothing left. My life will be void of anything of worth.
My dad knows about my depression. He is worried about me because of it. When we talk about it, he always asks me what i think may be causing it, and of course i can't tell him it stems from being closeted and being alone for so many years. Coming out would certainly explain many things and help him to understand why i have been depressed and unhappy since i was 15, maybe even earlier. But that explanation will come at a high cost.
I fucking HATE being gay. It has brought me nothing but sadness, pain, depression and endless torment of my soul. If there is an up side to being born gay, i have yet to find it. So here is the situation as i see it: i can either have the love and friendship of my dad and other family members, or i can come out and finally be able to be myself, and if i'm a really good boy, maybe i will find a boyfriend before i die. At least the way things are now, i have someone (my dad) who i know loves me and who i can talk to, etc. If i come out completely, there is still no guarantee i will find a boyfriend and true love. Given how shitty my luck has been in trying to get a date online, and that i can't tell who is gay and/or interested in me in the real world and that i haven't had a guy hit on me since my senior year of high school, i would guess that i'm heading towards an eternity of loneliness. So, even if i do win the gay lottery and find a guy who loves me and makes me happy, i am still never going to be whole. I can either have the love of my family (guaranteed) or i can have the love of a boyfriend (not guaranteed, or even likely), but not both. Here's the real kicker: i need to come out before i have a fucking meltdown. So, it's not a matter of if i will be disowned by my family, but a matter of when. The only real variable is if i will find a guy that not only do i love (i got one of those already, and that is a source of yet more anguish and longing), but will love me in return. Some fucking world we live in.
My dad and i are really close, and have been for as long as i can remember. I was his shadow when i was a little kid, and it really tore me apart when my parents got divorced and my dad moved away. Eventually, about seven years after my parents split, i went to live with my dad. That was when i was about 14, and by that time i had already pretty much figured out that i was gay. Granted, i lived in denial of that fact, and tried to convince myself i was bi, but i knew i liked boys and knew what it meant to be gay.
My point is, my dad is my best friend. Although i don't get to see him much (he lives 2000 miles away), we talk on the phone four or five times a week. That i'm gay is the only secret i have kept from my dad. For years and years, i have agonized over this. How will he react if i tell him? Will he still love me? Will our friendship be ruined?
On Sunday afternoon, i had a rather eye opening conversation with my dad. Somehow or another, the topic of the movie Top Gun came up. My dad mentions that he has heard that Kelly McGillis, "that hot blonde in Top Gun", has come out as being as lesbian after all these years. My dad said he heard that she said she has known since she was 12 or something. So, i try to tell him how i feel, with out being too detailed or anything, and relate to him my experience with out telling him that i am in fact gay. You know, how a lot of people who are gay have known since a very early age, how society and peer pressure can force people to stay in the closet, how that causes the person in the closet a lot of grief and unhappiness, stuff like that. My dad just grumbled something and said it with a real "oh, whatever" sort of attitude. Great...this isn't looking so good for me.
I changed the subject a little bit, and brought up gay marriage. I talked about how hung up people are with gays in general, and how gays should be entitled to the same rights as everyone else. He says something to the effect of "well, i have the right two not see to guys kissing on the street, and i ought to be able to kick their asses if i do". I was speechless for a moment, and so stunned that all i could muster was "i wouldn't go that far". OK, so the "kick their asses" comment was said half in jest, as my dad wouldn't really just kick someones ass without being provoked. But, i think he made it really clear that he in no way approves of gays. I would venture a guess that he still labors under the falsehood that being gay is a choice.
So, bottom line, if i come out to my dad, i loose my best friend. Period. It will destroy our relationship. Without my dad's love and friendship, i will have nothing left. My life will be void of anything of worth.
My dad knows about my depression. He is worried about me because of it. When we talk about it, he always asks me what i think may be causing it, and of course i can't tell him it stems from being closeted and being alone for so many years. Coming out would certainly explain many things and help him to understand why i have been depressed and unhappy since i was 15, maybe even earlier. But that explanation will come at a high cost.
I fucking HATE being gay. It has brought me nothing but sadness, pain, depression and endless torment of my soul. If there is an up side to being born gay, i have yet to find it. So here is the situation as i see it: i can either have the love and friendship of my dad and other family members, or i can come out and finally be able to be myself, and if i'm a really good boy, maybe i will find a boyfriend before i die. At least the way things are now, i have someone (my dad) who i know loves me and who i can talk to, etc. If i come out completely, there is still no guarantee i will find a boyfriend and true love. Given how shitty my luck has been in trying to get a date online, and that i can't tell who is gay and/or interested in me in the real world and that i haven't had a guy hit on me since my senior year of high school, i would guess that i'm heading towards an eternity of loneliness. So, even if i do win the gay lottery and find a guy who loves me and makes me happy, i am still never going to be whole. I can either have the love of my family (guaranteed) or i can have the love of a boyfriend (not guaranteed, or even likely), but not both. Here's the real kicker: i need to come out before i have a fucking meltdown. So, it's not a matter of if i will be disowned by my family, but a matter of when. The only real variable is if i will find a guy that not only do i love (i got one of those already, and that is a source of yet more anguish and longing), but will love me in return. Some fucking world we live in.
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