Friday, October 30, 2009

Drunk Slide

I love Seattle. Especially during this time of year. The days are getting shorter and the temperature is falling. The sky turns gray, the wind kicks up, the rain starts to fall. I also love the rain. My sleepless nights are less troubling when accompanied by the sound of the rain falling on the roof and the wind whipping the rain drops against my bedroom window. It's about the only time i feel any peace anymore, and eventually i drift off to sleep where my thoughts are turned into dreams. Sometimes those dreams are sad, painful, even terrifying. But most of the time, those dreams are of a life contained only within my mind. When i awake, those dreams almost seem cruel. They offer a brief view of an alternate reality where pure bliss is the norm rather than the exception. A reality where all the love one has to give is met with equal amounts of love given in return. A reality rooted in happiness and joy and being truly content, rather than in strife and misery and pain. And then i wake up. For a moment, the bliss lingers. But it doesn't take long for reality to settle in. It takes every last ounce of strength i have to even pull myself out of bed some days. Some days i don't. Call in sick to work and pull the covers over my head and lay there. Turn off my mobile phone, leave the ringer off on the house phone, computers idle, shut out the world...

As of my last post, i had a date that went seemingly well with "A". I was so excited to see him again! Lucky for me, his trip out of town was canceled and i had a second date with him the tuesday following our first date. This date went even better than the first one did in my opinion. We spent the better part of ten hours together and were never short of anything to say to each other. We had some great conversations, told some funny stories, laughed, had some great times.

This date started much the way the last one did. I picked him up at his apartment (he doesn't have a car at the moment) and we went up to Seattle and had lunch. Some vegetarian Chinese place. It was actually pretty good, despite having no meat in it. The restaurant was close by Capitol Hill so we went and walked around for a while. We wound up stopping at a record store and buying a bunch of cd's and records (yes, the big vinyl ones...i love vinyl). We both love music and share a lot of similar musical interests. After record shopping, we stopped and got some frozen yogurt. We each ordered different things and wound up sharing our dishes of frozen treats. He would feed me a spoonful of his, and i'd feed him a spoonful of mine. Yeah, real cute stuff.

After that, it was off to the mall to catch a movie. We found the theater and finally decided to see Paranormal Activity. I like that kind of stuff, and was hoping to finally see a movie scary enough to make me piss my pants and give me nightmares for a year. We bought our tickets and had about 40 minutes to kill before the movie started. This gave us time to get a snack of pretzels, which were free with the purchase of our movie tickets. We also stopped and bought a soda to share in the movie, since it was about a quarter the price of the soda in the theater. What thrifty little shoppers we are. Anyway, i though the movie was good. It gave me a couple good starts, and was deffo creepy, but didn't leave me scared shitless as i'd hoped it would. "A" on the other hand was totally freaked out by it. I believe his exact word were "how the fuck can you be so calm after that?!". I guess i just don't scare easy.

After the movie, we stopped and bought some cookies to snack on and went back to his place to watch a concert DVD i had bought at the record store. We wound up laying on his bed and watching the concert. When the concert was over, he popped in another movie and we wound up cuddling a bit under the covers (fully clothed of course :P). That was so wonderful to feel the embrace of another human being. I rested my head on his chest, and his arm around me, my arm around him...i could have stayed like that forever. His scent was intoxicating. I can still feel his warmth on my face and hear his heart beat and the sound of his breathing in my ears. At one point, he moved his head towards mine and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. Not some wild, wet make out kiss. But a tender, innocent kiss. A bit later on, i leaned in on him and gave him a little kiss too.

It was too good to last, and after the movie ended, he was getting pretty tired since he worked that morning. It seems that i get a bit awkward when it comes to saying goodbye, especially after such a wonderful day. But awkwardness aside, we hugged and gave each other a mutual kiss goodnight and i was on my way home once again.

Now after that, i was feeling pretty good. Better in fact than i had felt in years. I was glowing. What started as something that was uncertain had turned into a feeling of pure elation. I went into this very open minded, not having any expectations. But it seemed that i was falling for him...hard. He was in my thoughts every moment i was awake and in my dreams. It was incredible. We texted each other on wednesday and thursday. On friday, i sent him a text to tell him how much i enjoyed one of the cd's he recommended to me. While i was in the shower and getting ready for work, he sent a response. "Is it OK if we are just friends?"

Well, FUCK! Instead of texting him back, i decided to just call him. We talked for almost an hour. He insists it is him, that he wouldn't be good in a relationship right now, that he's not ready to settle down just yet. He told me that we have more in common with each other than he has had in common with any other guy he's ever dated. But deep down, i can't help but feel that it was me who drove him away. That i said or did something to set off some sort of alarm in his mind that told him to get out while he still could. Whatever the case might actually be, he obviously doesn't feel anywhere near as strongly for me as i do for him. Once again i find myself feeling quite the fool for having such strong feelings for someone who doesn't return those feelings. For some strange reason, the fact that he doesn't care for me only makes me care even more for him. Seriously...what the FUCK?!

I'm tired and my head hurts...think i'll go lay down for a while...

Sunday, October 18, 2009

On the mend.

Well, i'm feeling a bit better today. Still not 100% though. I slept for 14 hours during the day on thursday, got just about as much sleep on friday, and was in bed before 2:00am saturday morning. Yes, thats early for me. I slept until about noon saturday. I got the whole rest thing down to a science. I would have slept longer, but...

I had to be ready to leave the house by about 1:00pm for my sorta kinda date today. I almost cancelled, but was feeling a lot better when i got out of bed today. Plus the guy i was meeting had left a voice mail and a txt to make sure we were still on. Couldn't well disappoint him now could i?

Now, i say sorta kinda date because we met on a less than high quality web site. But after exchanging two dozen emails, he seemed really sweet and pretty much on the up and up. I also say sorta kinda because neither of were really clear on our intentions. Are we meeting for the sole purpose of being friends, or are we meeting to hopefully kindle some sort of relationship? My hope is that it is the latter, and he said he'd see me again (although i've heard that before and it never happened).

I arrived at his apartment about 15 minutes early to pick him up. He worked that morning and was cleaning his place up when i arrived. He gave me a quick tour of his apartment and we were off. I kind of let him make the call as to what he wanted to do and where he wanted to go. Since he had only recently moved to the area from out of state and had never been to downtown Seattle, we went there to find someplace to have lunch. The drive down was pleasant. We seem to share a lot of common interests and ways of thinking. For example, we both have a very low tolerance for stupidity. :D I found that i wasn't having to make any comments about idiot drivers because he was doing it for me! I am really starting to like him. :)

I'm pretty crap at navigating the streets of Seattle, and so was a bit lost as to where exactly to go. But he didn't seem to mind, so it was all good. We finally came across a mall with parking underground (make sure you have good credit before parking there, coz it's fucking EXPENSIVE!). We made our way back to the street and started walking and came across a cute little Italian cafe. The menu looked good, so we went in and had lunch. The conversation over lunch was just as pleasant and intelligent as it was on the drive down. The more time i spent with him, the more i was really starting to hope that this first encounter would turn into something more.

After lunch, we drove up to Capital Hill, gay central for Seattle. We lucked out and found parking on the street and started walking around and talking and looking in shops. I was just enjoying being with him and talking. It was really nice. So, we come across a shop specializing in mens underwear. Only in the gay district. He wants to go in and have a look. I'm more than happy to oblige, because he is extremely cute and watching him pick out undies sent my imagination into overdrive. He picked out a few pairs of really cute undies, and was trying to decide whether he should get another pair or not. He didn't want to get them because he didn't want to spend the money on them. Well, me being the generous guy i am, i offered to pay for the pair he was considering. He seemed a little surprised, but i insisted. I am wondering if maybe i was a bit over the top with that move. Nothing wrong with being generous, but did i over step my bounds? I guess i was trying to impress him by being so aloof about spending money, but i am wondering in hindsight if that might have been the first nail in the coffin.

So, undies shopping complete, we went to yet another mall and did some more shopping. Somehow during our conversation, we got to talking about what we didn't like about our looks. I said i hated my tummy. No matter how much bike riding i do it's still there. And he said that it didn't really matter to him. A good thing i guess. He said his cheeks were too red and he didn't like his very little tummy, that he wanted chiseled abs. I just said i think both of those features are cute on him, and he blushed a bit and dismissed my comment and said he doesn't like them, to which i said "i like you the way you are". He just replied that he's very critical of himself, and i said i am the same way. I guess no matter how cute or attractive someone might be to me, they will have things they don't like about themselves, even if i think those features are part of what makes them attractive. Funny old world. I think i made it pretty clear that i was into him, not just how he looks, but his personality, his sense of humor, his ideals and morals, by some of the comments i made during our conversation. At one point he said he felt bad because it seemed like the day was all about him and not about me. I just said that being in his company was good enough for me, and that i was having a really good time just talking with him and hanging out, regardless if we went where i wanted to go or not. He just laughed, as if i was bullshitting him and i said sincerely, i liked being with him. Am i being a bit to open about my feelings? I don't want him to think i'm weird and drive him away too. I really want a shot at a relationship with him. Another nail in the coffin?

After about two hours of poking around the mall and riding the escalators we were both pretty tired. Him from getting up at 3:00am for work and me from getting over being sick. We then went back to his place and sat on his bed watching a movie for a while. We did more talking than movie watching, and after a while we were both laying on his bed, but not quite cuddling. I could tell he was getting really sleepy, and he did have to work the next day, although not until the afternoon. I asked if he wanted me to leave so he could go to bed, and he said no, so we continued to watch the movie and talk less as he got more tired. I made some comment about cuddling and he said that would put him to sleep for sure. The good news is he wasn't opposed to the idea. But, on a first "date", and with him being so tired i just decided to say goodnight and let him go to sleep. We made some talk as i was getting my shoes on and preparing to leave, and at this time i was feeling pretty self conscious, and a bit nervous because i had asked him if he would like to get together again sometime and wasn't exactly smooth about it. We hugged goodnight, and i was on my way out the door when i realized i had forgot my car key and wallet on his counter top. I tired to make some more talk, but was already feeling stupid from forgetting my wallet and keys and started rambling a bit, digging myself a little hole. I got a bit flustered and awkward. I even said to him that i was a bit shy and awkward and said how embarrassed i was. He said yeah, he could tell i was a bit shy and awkward, and that only made me more shy and awkward and made me blush a bit. Another couple nails in the coffin. We hugged goodnight and i was on my way home.

Bottom line: I am a social retard. Who knows, maybe he found my shy awkwardness cute or maybe he wants a guy who isn't such a self conscious fucking twit. I sent him a txt when i got home, saying that i had a really good time with him, and that i hope i didn't screw up by being too shy and nervous, and that i hope he sleeps well, goodnight! He didn't respond, but i'm sure thats because he's in bed fast asleep. I hope i didn't fuck this up. Not only is he cute (tall, slender build, dark hair and blue eyes...that eye/hair color combo is so cute!!), but he is an amazing person. He is super sweet, kind hearted, funny, intelligent, hard working, and on and on and on. Ugh...why am i such a retard?!

One last thought...during the course of our conversation, he told me what his favorite movie was. But when we got to his apartment and we were trying to decide what movie to watch, it turns out he doesn't have it on DVD. Would it be over the top if i bought it and gave it to him as a gift the next time we met? I guess only time will tell if i've screwed the pooch once again or if he will forgive my shy, nervous, awkwardness and give me another chance.

Friday, October 16, 2009

One sick puppy...

Bleh...i'm sick. On my hols no less. I started feeling a bit crap on sunday, and had been overloading on vitamin c and taking Zicam to try and stem the evil tide. But alas, my bodies defenses broke down sometime last night and i woke up feeling horrible. I've got the whole stuffy head, sore throat, headache, sniffles, sneezing, coughing, thing going for me right now. At least it looks like it's just a head cold and not the flu in any of its various and nasty varieties. The absolute worst part of getting sick is that i don't have a loving, caring, cute boy to take care of me while i'm under the weather. Woe is me.

So, i reckon that takes care of what to do while i'm on hols! Stay home and recover. It has given me the opportunity to knock down that giant pile of unwatched DVD's that been accumulating for a while, at least a little bit. I have this bad habit of seeing a DVD at the store (usually Best Buy or Costco) and thinking to myself "that looks good, might as well pick it up". Never mind that there are at least a hundred others just like it sitting on my shelves at home, unwatched, and in some cases unopened. Today i got through Beowulf, Slumdog Millionaire, and Eragon. Beowulf was entertaining, but i thought the computer enhanced life action got a bit tiring. Maybe it's just me in my semi-fevered state getting nit picky. Computer generated graphics are cool, and i absolutely love Anime. But to take live action and try and make it look animated makes no sense to me. It was very artistic and well done, but still...and i'm rambling. Slumdog Millionaire was a brilliant film. This was the first time i'd seen it. Incredible story, great cinematography, well produced. I really enjoyed that movie. Probably one of the best movies i've seen i a while. Eragon was pretty good too. The use of CG made to look real was pretty good. And the guy who plays Eragon (to lazy to look up his name atm) is deffo very cute. Yes, even in my sickened state, my pervy eyes know no rest. Hey, what else have i got to think about?

While i'm home sick, i think i'lll try and watch some of the anime i have bought and never watched. I have at least a dozen full series on DVD that need to be watched. Stuff like "Ergo Proxy", "E'S Otherwise", "Gantz", "Basilisk", "Samurai 7", "JYU-OH-SEI", "Mushi-Shi", and more. I got hooked on anime by watching the stuff played on Adult Swim such as "Neon Genesis Evangelion", "Cowboy Be-bop", "Deathnote", etc. All of them have some really interesting story lines and incredible animation. I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff. Anyway, i do the same thing with anime as i do with movies. I go to the store, browse the selection and buy what looks interesting. I'm waiting for the day that i buy a duplicate series and don't realize it until i've opened the package and go to file it away. No returns on opened merchandise!

Well, sorry for the boring post. I'm bored and lonely, so you all get to suffer my random thoughts and such. Have i mentioned that i'm bored and lonely?

Maybe some music will cheer me up. I have been listening to a lot of stuff in the electronic/dance genre lately. Sirius channel 38 "Area" has been playing in my car for ages now. By far, my favorite DJ to date is Tiesto. It's hard to really get a feel for how good he really is without sitting down and listening to one of his albums from start to finish. They flow like nothing else i have listened to in a long time and begin to take on a life of their own. They start slow and work up to a climax and then slowly let you back down again before finishing strong. Each listen is an adventure that covers a whole range of feelings and emotions and experiences. This track is from his "In Search of Sunrise 7: Asia" album. Wounded Soul...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Grand Conjuration

I'm on holiday for the next 10 days. Hooray. I have no plans and nothing to do. It will be nice to get a break from work, but what the hell am i going to do for a week? Stay up late and listen to music and surf porn? I pretty much do that already. Maybe hit Craigslist and find some random hookups since the whole finding a legit bf plan isn't really working? It's a bit late to book a trip anywhere, and arrange for someone to house sit. Hmm...guess i'll just chill at home and sleep all day. How long does pot stay in your system? Maybe i could just veg out and get stoned...just gotta make sure my pee is clean when i go back to work haha.

I went and bought a new car last week. This car is going to be my daily driver. I decided that the new S5 i have on order is too nice to drive everyday and beat up, and run up the mileage. Anyway, when researching cars, i wanted a car that was all wheel drive and comfortable for my two hour round trip commute. I also wanted a great sounding stereo system, as music is the only thing that keeps me from killing other motorists on my drive to and from work. People are stupid to begin with, but put them behind the wheel of a car and they get down right fucking scary. So, it was down to Subaru and Audi for my final choices. The lease on a Subaru worked out to be about $40/ month less than the Audi. So, me being me, i rationalized and said whats an extra $40 a month for an Audi? Short story long, there is a new 2010 Audi A4 in my garage as we speak. It's got the 2.0T engine and Quattro all wheel drive, so it's not near as fast as the S5. But it's got plenty of get up and go for everyday driving. It does have the iPod connector, so all of my music is in the car at all times which rocks. Interestingly, it's the same color as the S5 i have on order. So, i will have twin Audi's when the S5 gets here. Woot. Now i just need to get some roof racks to haul my bike around. Yes, i am a right snob having two brand new Audi's.

^ The new ride in all it's glory

I've been hanging out with my student from work quite a bit lately. Yeah, i know it's kind of a conflict of interest being buddies with my student when his future is dependent on me being a good instructor, but he's the only friend i have who is still single and doesn't have a wife and kids or bitchy girlfriend or boyfriend or partner or whatever. It's nice not being a tag along and actually having someone to talk to who pays attention to you instead of his gf or whatever. Besides which, we share a lot of interests like cars and music and aviation, etc. Plus, he's kind of cute in a geeky sort of way. But he's straight as an arrow. Or so he says...

Opeth are one of my favorite bands. Their music isn't for everyone, as a lot of people are really turned off by the growling vocals. But, if you really listen to the music you will hear just how fucking brilliant they are. Amazing chord progressions and use of odd time signatures create a listening experience that is awe inspiring. The music goes from brutal to mellow and back to brutal several times within a song and each album seems to be better than the last. The Grand Conjuration...