Saturday, August 29, 2009


First of all, it is possible to have a strong emotional attachment to an inanimate object. It's not weird or foolish or materialistic. Sometimes something will just have an effect on a person. Not love, as love is only felt between people. But there is emotion of some sort involved. That said...

If ever there was a shit week, this was it. Just when you think things can't possibly suck anymore than they already do, life grabs you by the balls and not only squeezes them as hard as it can but gives 'em a little twist for good measure.

So as you most likely read in my previous post, i had my first date last week. It was the greatest day of my life. That came to a rather odd conclusion when the guy who was seemingly into me as much as i was into him stopped calling/texting/im'ing/emailing and stopped responding to all such forms of communication. WTF?! OK, he changed his mind and flaked out on me. Whatever, at least i was happy for a brief moment.

So, i mentioned a little about another guy i had been talking to via text for a couple of weeks. We met on a dating site, and he actually gave me his number and said lets talk/text. Cool! A seemingly great guy, good job, stable, great sense of humor, likes a lot of the same music/movies i do. This could turn out well. So, on Tuesday morning really early, we were texting and an opportunity arose to see if he was interested in going out on a date. Now, i had been trying to keep my excitement in check all the while i was talking to him because as life has taught me, if you get excited, whatever you are getting excited about will be snatched away from you. Fatal mistake: i let myself get a little bit excited about him. So what happens when i ask him if he'd be interested in going out you ask? And i quote "Well, to be 100% honest, there's a boy back in the city i've been trying to get together with all summer and haven't been able to because of my travel schedule and his travel schedule". Oh, wonderful, well good for you, i said as my soul was deflated once more.

That brings us to yesterday, Friday August 28, 2009. I slept for shit once again, but forced myself out of bed on time. I had a little breakfast, checked my email, took a shower and left for work around 12:45 pm, actually on time for a change! Cool! I'll have time to go out of my way a bit and swing by my favorite coffee stand instead of getting crap coffee and shit service from the Starbucks that's right on my way to work. Seemed like a nice little treat to help the day move along. So much for that fucking plan...

As i'm driving along minding my own business, i see brake lights ahead and a long line of cars waiting behind a traffic light. WTF?! This is odd, not usually this much traffic. Oh, i see...there's a state trooper on the shoulder with his lights on. Stupid fucking people are looking at the shiny object on the side of the road. So, i stop my car and am wondering why things still aren't moving now that the traffic light is green and the trooper is behind us. I take a glance in my rear view mirror just in time to see a massive white object bearing down on me. I had enough time to think "fuck, that's going awfully fuckin fast" and utter the first sixteenth of a syllable of "oh shit" as the fucking drooler piloting the giant sport utility vehicle slams into the back of my car going close to 40 mph. The force of the impact slams me back into my seat, and i rebound forward into the seat belt and back into the seat again a couple of times, and pushes my car into the car in front of me, and that car into the one in front of him, and that car into the one in front of him. Now i'm fucking PISSED. Once i get my bearings, i get out of my car and scream at the the dizzy bitch sitting in her now deployed airbag at the top of my lungs "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY CAR YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!!!!". Her reply, "i didn't mean to"... Well, fuck you. Fuck you very much. It's about this time that the statie asks me to return to whats left of my vehicle.

I spend the next 45 minutes filling out incident reports, arranging for a ride home, calling work to tell them i won't be coming in today, and contemplating the complete cluster fuck that is my life. So, it's not enough that i was closeted for 2o years, that i live a lonely and unhappy existence, that i can't get a date, and when i do the guy never wants to see me again, or that i get a ray of hope in the form of a guy who gave me his number to call and text him and hopefully date and then have my hopes crushed when he tells me there's no chance for a date. Nope, that's not enough. I know, take his car! He loves that car...that'll push him over the edge if you take his car. Fuck you.

So here's the deal. The car is pretty well fucked. If it's not a total loss, it's damn close. The only body panels that are untouched are the doors. The hood, both front quarter panels and front bumper and grill? Check. Roof panel? Check. Rear quarter panels, trunk lid, and bumper? Check, check and check. Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK!!!!! The tow truck driver asked if i had the tow ring that screws into the front bumper and i'm like it's in the trunk tool kit under the spare. He goes to look and says, "have you looked in the trunk?" "No", i say, "why?". "Just come have a look." So, the trunk had to be pried open, and the spare tire well was squished as such to trap the spare tire and make getting at the tool kit under it impossible. Cargo tie downs that are attached to the frame are maybe eight inches forward of their original positions and about six inches lower. There is major rear frame damage and god know whats hidden away lurking in dark corners.

So, if the insureance assholes say "yeah, it's repairable" i'm fucked. Then i'll be stuck with a car that will never be the same again. It'll be full of odd rattles and squeaks and odd smells and will drive funny and will have goofy electrical problems for the rest of its days. The fucking factory puts those cars together in a certain order for a fucking reason, everything needs to fit correctly. Once its smashed to bits and put together again Frankenstein style, nothing is the way it was, i don't give a good goddamn how great the repair shop is. The car will have recorded damage history and will make resale value turn to dog shit. No one wants to buy a car that's been near totaled and patched together again. So i'm stuck with it...a rattle trap that i couldn't sell in exchange for fly shit AND a huge ass monthly payment for the next 5 and a half years.

Now, if by chance it's totaled out, i'm equally fucked but in a slightly different way. Then the insurance will cut me a check for market value of the car, not replacement value. That means, i will get a check that probably won't cover the loan balance. No worries tho, i've got gap protection. But there's still the matter of the ginormous cash down payment i made on the car to cover shit like extended warranties, gap coverage, sales tax, the loss i took on my trade in, etc. What about that loss? Tough shit. So basically, i am fucked raw, dry and hard either way it goes. One way or another, some stupid, inattentive cunt has caused me grief and cost me money. And what does she lose? Maybe $500 for her insurance deductible? A ticket for inattentive driving? What a crock of shit.

And before anyone says "It's just a car. Don't stress about it". NO. It's NOT just a fucking car. That car was the representation of a lifetime of hard work, a symbol of what i've achieved. Plus, it made me look good, got heaps of looks from cute boys. Most importantly, it made me happy. I was happy driving it, happy looking at it, made the days when i really didn't want to go to work seem worth while. I don't normally wish bad things upon people, but i've been sending out some especially hateful vibes in the direction of the dingbat who was too busy doing something OTHER than paying attention to the road while driving.

^ My baby, barely a week old.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

First date

So, here i am, still alive and kicking after all this time. Thought i'd check in and say hi since i've been hearing from very reliable sources that people were starting to wonder what happened to me. Basically, things have been pretty droll. I called in sick to work three days last week because i haven't been sleeping to well recently and have actually been pretty depressed again. I can't even begin to describe the feelings i've been having. All the stress of coming out is gone. Like i said in a previous post, i now know that coming out is the easy part. At least for me it was because i'm severely handicapped in other areas of my life that make finding happiness post coming out rather difficult.

Like my age. Yeah yeah yeah...i keep hearing that 33 isn't that old. Well, i call bullshit. When the vast majority of gay singles are in their mid 20's, 33 is right fucking old. And personally, i want to meet a guy who is as inexperienced with being gay as i am (yeah, from a sexual point of view as well). Yup, still a gay virgin. Let me tell you, it fucking sucks! I have been wanking over cute guys since i was 14, but have never done the deed. At this rate, it looks like i never

Another handicap is my work hours/days off. My work week runs Thursday thru Monday. I work friday night and have to be to work at 5:30am on Sunday morning, so Saturday night is pretty much a total loss. So, that leaves Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. Not a whole helluva lot happening anywhere on those nights. Oh sure, a shitty taco night here or extended happy hour there. But no one else is out doing anything because they all work normal days and hours.

My "friends" are pretty much useless for anything but blowing sunshine up my ass about "you'll find someone" or "you're not too old" or "there's nothing wrong with you, you're a great guy! the reason no one messages you or you haven't met anyone is because you're just looking in the wrong places." or my my favorite "at least your finding out who isn't right for you". So, the people i work with are kind of like a little family i guess. But, they all have real families. I am the only single guy on my crew. Everyone else has wives and girlfriends and kids. So, the wives and girlfriends won't let their men go out with the crew homo to give him a little moral support when trying to check out a gay bar or two. Or the ones who do, want to haul their wives with them...yeah, real fun. So, basically you're going to keep your wife/girlfriend entertained all night long making me look like a fool sitting there by myself and feeling out of place. I love being the fifth wheel.

The crux of the matter is i have no one to go out with, no one who knows anybody to introduce me to, nobody to set me up and nobody to offer and real, actual helpful advice as to how to meet people locally or even where to go to meet people. With the exception of various clothing stores in the mall, where there seems to be an abundance of very cute, very gay guys working (all of whom would tell you i'm way to fucking old to go out with them), and the possible gay pizza boy, i have no idea where to go. Yeah, a fucking gay bar, i know. Again, the gay clubs are an hour and 2o minutes from my home and that's a long way away when you are driving home mostly drunk. Yes, i know i don't have to drink, but if i'm gonna be anywhere near social, i need booze. So, this post has pretty much just been me whining, hasn't it? and has nothing to do with a first date does it? Read on...

So, yeah, being out is heaps of fun. Nobody gives a shit i'm gay. I wish i had come to that realization 20 years ago so i wouldn't have wasted my fucking life away being alone and miserable. I know, i can't change the past so just let it go, right? Well, let me tell you something...carrying all the shit i've been carrying for all these years isn't something one can just "let go" of. All the "what ifs" just kill me. I missed out on innocent teenage sexual experimentation, dating, falling in love, and just being a normal, happy kid. Now all the guys who are at my level of sexual experience are way younger than me (and yes, i'm talking LEGAL ages here). So, it looks like i will have a teacher (if i can ever find someone) rather than someone to mutually explore my sexuality with. That may not seem like much, but i feel like i gypped myself out of so much. And now something like innocent fun will be more like getting training in the use of a new appliance than having fun.

Moving along, i want a motorcycle. Bad. But not just any motorcycle. A fast motorcycle. A ballsy motorcycle. An Italian motorcycle. A Ducati Streetfighter S (make mine black please). Yes boys and girls, it's a penis substitute, in a manner of speaking. Some guys (mainly sister-fucking rednecks) buy the biggest, tallest, stinkiest diesel powered Ford pick-up truck they can find because their dicks are only 2" fully erect. I need my fix in the form of high speeds and danger. Flying small aircraft, doing 140 mph in my hot rod European sports coupe on public highways, and 200 mph motorcycles. But make no penis is both adequately sized and fully functioning. It simply doesn't see much Hence, i want to go faster and do it more dangerously that ever before. "Those things are dangerous" a friend of mine keeps telling me. Yup. They most certainly are. But they are fast as hell, and give ya one hell of an adrenaline rush. "You'll kill youself on one of those". That's a distinct possibility, but if i do it will happen so fast i won't have time to reflect upon the situation. So in the meantime, it will be a nice little distraction to not getting laid.

"Finally! I thought he'd never shut the fuck up about the motorcycle or his shitty sex life!!!" Ok, so i had a date last week. I met him on a dating site. We had been talking online and texting for a couple weeks and finally agreed to meet for a date. So, i took him to a nice seafood place down on the water front (he told me seafood was his favorite food). On the drive to the restaurant, we had some great conversations, just like we'd had online and in texts. I was worried it would be awkward and we'd not have anything to say, but it was very relaxed and natural. Dinner was much the same. We had very few silences and the ones that we did have weren't awkward, fidgety silences. It was like we were completely at ease with each other and had known each other for years. Dinner was fabulous, and we both ate way too much good food. So, after dinner we walked off some of our food with a nice stroll along the waterfront, again accompanied by great convo and mutual appreciation of each others company. After our walk and enjoying the sunset, back to the car to head off to a movie. I got us only slightly lost trying to find the freeway, but we were having fun listening to music and talking and just being there in the moment. Went and saw a movie and went back to the car and started talking for a while. Finally our eyes locked and i said to him "You are really cute, you know that?". He gives me a look, half playful, half serious, and said "I'm not cute dammit!". So, i say "fine, you're hideous, but i like you anyway." At this point, he leans over and gives me a kiss. :D Wow!!! My first real kiss with a guy and boy did that feel good! It felt so natural and wonderful i don't have the words to describe it. So, fast forward an hour and a half to when we are about to part ways, we kiss goodnight and hug, and promise to see each other again...

And that's where the fairy tale ends. I wait a couple days to send him a text and ask how he's doing. No reply. I wait another day or so, and call him and leave a voice mail. Still no reply. I text him again a day later and get a short two word reply to my text and haven't heard from him since despite several other texts to him that would require a response from him. WTF?! My god, we got along really well online, great convos, and the date went really well, and HE kissed me! So what the hell did i do wrong? Needless to say, i'm really really disappointed and pretty sad given how promising things looked. I think i'm cursed for sure. I guess it was a fluke, proof that even a blind, old squirrel will sometimes find a nut.

On another front, i met another guy online that i have been texting for about a week. Again, we have a lot in common (including a love of fast cars :P) and have been having a lot of great text convos. He is out of town on business and we have been texting everyday for the last week. :) So, things are looking promising, but i'm trying not to get too excited or seem too eager. In fact, he hasn't said anything about what he wants (friendship only or possibly leading to a LTR, or whatever else). We really seem to click. His sense of humor is pretty much on par with mine (sick, twisted, and a bit I don't know where it will lead, but i'm hoping for the best.

Are you still reading? Wow!!! I'm impressed!!! If you made it all the way to the bottom of the post, you get a little something extra. A coupon redeemable for one free hug from yours truly. *coupon has no expiration date, and must be redeemed in person. coupon has no cash value*

If anything interesting happens, i'll be in touch. For now, i've been awake for 36 hours (caught a short nap yesterday tho) and i need some sleep.