Kneel and disconnect...

Well, i'm just back* from the Porcupine Tree concert in Seattle (by "just back", i mean several hours ago lol). Wow...what an absolutely amazing show Porcupine Tree put on! I'm not talking about grandiose theatrics, glamor and glitter. Instead i'm talking about the absolute pinnacle of musicianship. Not only is Steven Wilson (Porcupine Trees main songwriter and front man) a musical genius, but all the other members of the band are integral to making the band what it is. Each musician has mastered his craft and the net result is a band that plays super tight and are even better live than they are on the best produced studio album you could imagine.

The show was played at The Moore Theater in Seattle. That venue is one of the most amazing places i have ever seen a concert at. I may be off by a year or two, but i believe the place was built in 1907. What a gorgeous piece of architecture. A anyway, i bought my tickets online directly from the band. I just placed an order for two tickets, and never really had a choice as to where i was going to be seated. Lucky for me, it was a reserved seating venue, not general admission. So, imagine my surprise when i pick up my tickets from will call and see "row A" printed on my ticket. Holy shit!!!! Front row seats to see my favorite band play live!!!!!!! How could this night get any better?!

Well, about 10 minutes before the opening act ("That 1 Guy" - fucking incredible, btw...lol) appeared on stage, a super cute guy caught my eye. Well, imagine my luck when he sat 3 seats away from me. Yeah, he is VERY cute! So, it's pretty easy to start up conversations with people at concerts because everyone is there to see one particular band play. Easy icebreaker. The problem is, there are 2 other people between him and me, and talking across them would be awkward at best. So, i keep stealing glances at him trying not to be too conspicuous, wondering how i can start a conversation with him without looking like a complete twat lol.

So, after That 1 Guy played his amazing set (seriously, his music is indescribable...one man making an incredible amount of music, all on a self made instrument that looks like it was pieced together using scraps of pipe from the Home Depot), there was a brief intermission before Porcupine Tree took the stage. Oooh...maybe i can talk to the cutie! But damn the luck, both people in the seats between us stayed put. Oh well...

For the first half of Porcupine Tree's set, they played their new album "The Incident" from start to finish. Steven Wilson described it as a "song suite", meant to be played and listened to as one continuous piece of music. Being parked two feet from a stack of loudspeakers was great! I could feel a concussion wave with each strike of the bass drum and with each bass note and heavy chord played...fucking awesome! And being 10 feet away from the band and being able to see them all play live was pretty cool too. :P

At the end of the first half of the set, the band took a short intermission. As the lights came up, the two guys sitting between me and cutie got up and left. To where, i don't know and really don't care...this was my chance! So, i slid a few feet over and said "hi" very nervously and awkwardly...lol. I felt so stupid. Guys who i am really attracted to intimidate the hell out of me. I got all clammy and sweaty, despite the fact that i'd been rocking out pretty hard the previous hour and didn't sweat then. Note to self...nerves make me sweat. Back to cutie...after my initial and very awkward hello i asked if he'd seen Porcupine Tree live before, to which he replied no, this was his first time seeing them live. I talked about the last show i saw a little bit, and how this venue was way better. I then asked him how long he'd been listening to them and what his fav song and album were etc. The convo was moving along, but i was nervous as hell and was coming up silent a little to often for me to feel comfortable and that only made me more nervous. So, we eventually started talking about other bands we liked and he mentioned a few i'd never heard of, and i mentioned a few he'd never heard of. Then he mentioned Muse, another one of my favorite bands! Just as he mentioned Muse, the lights went down, and Porcupine Tree took the stage to play the second half of their set.

The second half of the set was just as amazing as the first, and contained a lot of really good songs from their back catalog of material. Again, i really can't stress enough how amazing this band is live! Every song they played had a life of its own, full of power and emotion. And just the sheer difficulty of some of the songs they played inspired awe as they were performed flawlessly. Did i mention this was the opening night of their US tour, and was the first time the band had played any material from the new record, let alone the entire thing? It was pretty cool to be a part of the first audience to hear a new album played live.

After the encore, which was cut short due to some bullshit noise ordinance in Seattle, the lights cam up and i turned to cutie and resumed our convo where we left off. I said, "so Muse is your favorite band eh?". His eyes lit up and he told me they had a new album out as well (which i'd read about, but almost forgot about until he mentioned it). I asked him how it was in comparison to their older material, and he asked what albums i liked best, and i told him in order the ones i liked best. He smiled and said he liked their albums in the same order i liked them. :D Coincidence? lolz. So he described the new record a bit and how it fit in the line up. So, he started to make for the aisle and was saying it was good to talk to me, etc, when i said "I should give you my number so we can talk music!". "Yeah! That would be cool!". So, i introduced myself proper and so did he and we exchanged mobile numbers. :P

Now, i have no idea if he is even gay or not, and i'm not quite sure if he knows i'm gay (probably not, as i look and act pretty straight, although lately i have been dressing a bit more metro lol). But still, i was able to strike up a convo AND get the phone number from a cute guy! Granted, i cheated and used the concert as a conversation starter, but who really cares? I got his number lol! So, if nothing else, i made a new friend. I'm not holding my breath, because he was younger than me, and even if he is gay, probably wouldn't be interested in me in "that way". But i'll take what i can get. A new friend will be nice, and a cute one at that. :p Maybe it's better i went to the show alone. If i'd gone with someone, who knows if i'd have had the opportunity to talk to him, or if whoever i went with would have got to talk to him instead of me...

After that, things went to shit...lol. I parked 8 blocks from the theater to avoid the traffic mess on the streets closer in. I even parked for free, since i got there after 6pm...lucky me! But, as i was driving to the freeway, i got about 1/3 of the way there when traffic stopped. Dead fucking stopped. Gridlocked at 11:15pm on a Tuesday night ffs. It took me 45 fucking minutes to drive the mile to the freeway on ramp. WTF!?! I was about to have a serious road rage episode...lol. No reason for it, no construction, not really anything going on to warrant that level of gridlock hellishness. But i maintained an even strain, thinking of the cute guy who i got to talk to and whose number now resides in my mobile phone...lolz.

On the car front, the insurance rep i'd been dealing with rang me up today and told me she had fought long and hard with the home office, and finally got them to agree to pay me almost what i'd paid for my car, plus sales taxes (9.3% in my county) and licenses and registration fees. All told, i'm getting $415 less for my car than what i paid for it. Plus, the service and maintenance plans and the GAP coverage i bought are all refundable pro-rated to the date of loss. All in all, not too bad. Now to nail the bitch who hit me to the fucking wall with the bodily injury/pain and suffering suit. I want to see her living in a cardboard box under the interstate... *laughs evilly* She picked the wrong guy to run into. -_-

Once again, i shall end my post with a song. This is a cut from Porcupine Tree's newest album "The Incident" called "Time Flies". Pretty good tune, and the videography is pretty interesting too. So, does anyone actually watch/listen to these songs?

The Incident

So, yay, Porcupine Tree have a new album out titled "The Incident". I got my download copy this morning, and my physical copy came in the post this afternoon. What a great band. Porcupine Tree also open the US leg of their tour in Seattle tomorrow night, and i've got two tickets to the show. Porcupine Tree are one of those bands that are just as incredible live as they are in the studio, maybe even more so. The last time i saw them play was a couple years ago, and they were brilliant. The problem is, i bought two tickets thinking i'd have someone to go with when the show came around. Well, i've got no one to go with lol. Bummer. See what happens when i try being optimistic? I get the shaft lol. I buy two tickets hoping i'd meet someone to take to the concert with me and i still wind up going alone. So the next time anyone accuses me of being pessimistic, try to remember that from my perspective i'm simply being realistic.

I'm still playing games with the insurance companies about the value of my car. I hope they get off their fucking asses soon, because its coming up on payment time and i'd hate to make another payment on a car that's wrecked. Plus, my second car is falling apart around me...windows don't roll up, t-top roof leaks, half the stereo speakers are blown out, gears are making a funny noise. Its a mess. And it almost left me stranded once. It can't be trusted any longer. I need a new car.

I got to talk to my dream guy for a while on friday. God, is he amazing. Too bad he's so straight and in love with his girlfriend! Every time i think i am getting over how i feel for him, all it takes is to just pass him in the hallway at work for me to turn into a love sick fool. It's such a mix of emotions. He makes me feel happier than anyone i have ever known. Yet at the same time, i feel more sad and alone than ever because i know i will never be with him. Very strange indeed...

So, here's another song for you all to enjoy (or not). The Pineapple Thief are yet another absolutely brilliant band that will probably never get the recognition they deserve. This song is from their most recent album "Tightly Unwound" and really strikes s a nerve with me...not just musically, but lyrically as well. Such an emotional piece of music. Then again, what do i know...

School Daze

Hi everyone. Once again, thank you all for the support, comments and love you have all shown me. It really means a lot. OK, enough sap. :p A few small things before i get on with the post. First, I want to encourage you to ask any questions you may have of me. My email address is listed below the 'about me' section on the right. Just sub a "@" for the"(at)" and you're golden. Second, a few people have asked about my name "Deadwing" and my display pic. The name is taken from the band Porcupine Tree and their album "Deadwing". The album strikes a chord with me, and so i "borrowed" the name. My display pic is also taken from a Porcupine Tree album. It is the cover art for their "Fear Of A Blank Planet" album. The photo is by Danish artist, filmmaker, and photographer Lasse Hoile. He's an incredibly creative guy, with some really 'out there' concepts and ideas.

On with the post...

As i mentioned in my first post, i had my first crush on a boy in first grade. His name was"James". Now, in first grade, i had no idea what those feelings were. I had no concept of homosexuality whatsoever. I just knew i felt differently towards James than i did other boys, or girls for that matter. James was in my class from Kindergarten through sixth grade, so i was around him a lot.

Into junior high, our class split up. We had different periods in the day, but James was still in my home room and in my PE (gym) class. What a shock when i found out we had to shower together after class! I was scared to death that i would become "aroused" in the shower, especially with James in there. Good God... By this time, i had pretty much figured out that i was gay, although i was till holding on to some delusion that i would eventually get married etc. But i now knew what it meant to be "gay". What a confusing mess i was in. I wasn't very popular in school, and James was. So, even though we had known each other for years in grade school and were friends, the social structure in junior high kind of drove a wedge between us. We still talked from time to time, but it wasn't like it used to be.

It was during this time that my feelings for James became more than just a simple crush. I had to be around him as much as i could. He was on my mind every waking moment. I would time my walks to class so that i would run into him in the halls. All the while, i had a million different thoughts running through my mind. "Am i the only boy who has these feelings towards other boys? What if someone finds out? What if James found out i liked him? Is there something wrong with me? There must be. What am i going to do? Who can i talk to about this? This isn't normal. I'm scared."

Being gay just wasn't something that was talked about, either at school or at home. There was no education on the subject. And in Sex Education, there was no mention of homosexuality at all. I learned of the concept of being gay from one of my peers who would make jokes about it. Nothing worse than being a "queer" or "fag". That only served to reinforce my suspicions that i was indeed alone in how i felt, and that i was in fact "sick" or otherwise abnormal. NO ONE can know about this. EVER!!! Deeper into the closet i go...

And in the closet i stayed. Eventually, during the middle of ninth grade, my mom sent me off to live with my dad. I was failing every subject, and was seriously depressed. I would talk to the school counsellor, but could never reveal what was really on my mind. So, James was gone from my daily life, but not forgotten. My new school, in a new town, in a new state was really no better. Still had to hide who i was, and still had no one to talk to about how i felt. As i went through high school, i still pretended to like girls around my friends, and found still more boys to crush on. But that's a story for another time...