I have a few extra minutes on my break, and the signal is strong on my mobile for the moment, so I thought I'd pop in and say hello. As most of you already know, I work all weekend including Friday nights. Oh joy. My social life sucks and is about as boring as watching the grass grow. Not much going on on a Tuesday or Wednesday night when I have off. Even if there were, finding someone to do something with is difficult.
My sister is in town visiting until Sunday afternoon. I very briefly considered coming out to her while she is here, but dismissed the notion just as quickly. Her and my mom tell each other everything. Even if I swore her to secrecy, my guess is that she would talk sooner or later. But then again, maybe not. Maybe things have changed since we were kids. All I know is that she threw me under the bus more than once when we were kids. Better to play it safe for now I reckon.
I don't have any big Easter plans, as I'm not very religious and I have to work. Our weather has turned back to the rainy, cold crap from the warm sun we had just a few days ago. The rain and clouds never used to bother me. Now, all I can think about is getting the fuck out of here and moving someplace where it's a bit warmer and the sun shines more. Maybe out of the country. Who knows. It's time for a change. I'm stuck in a rut.
I hope everyone has a good weekend. Laters.
Showing posts with label stuck. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stuck. Show all posts
Friday, April 10, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Where are we going from here...
I seem to have hit a bit of a speed bump. After making some decent progress in a relatively short time, i am lost as to what to do next or how to accomplish certain things. Everything i need to do is dependent on some other thing. A lot of things need to happen simultaneously, or at least relatively close together. Ugh...frustrating.
As you may or may not know, i came out to my friend Adam at work last week. He is the first person from my personal life that i have told i'm gay. He was an obvious choice, because he too is gay. And who better to understand and accept me than another gay guy? Well, now that i've got the easy one out of the way, who's next? More friends and people i trust at work? Friends (and i don't have many) from outside work? God forbid, my family? Granted, there are one or two people in my family who will likely accept me, but the vast majority will not. My "friends" outside work are not very likely to be accepting, and as much as it pains me, i am prepared to cut them loose if they don't. People at work are a different story. Most are likely to be accepting. Some will act like they are accepting to my face, but will still have inherently homophobic views and think of my being gay as a sickness, or just plain gross. I know, because i've heard them talk behind Adams back. The good news is that i don't give a shit about most of those people now, so it won't matter what they think if i were to come out.
Meeting people has always been a challenge for me. As i have mentioned in previous posts, i am pretty shy in social situations. I am especially shy when i'm around someone i'm attracted to. I get real quiet, and can't even manage to carry on even the most mundane small talk let alone flirt. But lets just pretend for a moment that i'm not a coward, and that i have the balls to approach a guy i'm interested in. Say i'm at the mall, and I see a cute guy and want to talk to him. How can i even think about talking to him, and maybe even flirt, if i don't know if he's gay? I can't just approach random guys that tickle my fancy and flirt! That's a good way to get my ass kicked. I'm pretty sure the last thing a straight guy wants to hear from another guy is how good his hair looks, or that his shirt really accentuates his eyes. Some might be flattered, but most will want to go get their buddies and do a little queer bashing. What's protocol for flirting with guys? I'm lost. lol. Oh, the answer is simple you say, just go where there are a lot of gay guys. With the exception of gay bars and clubs (i'm not really into the whole bar scene, and even if i were, not much happening on a Tuesday night when i have off), just where in the hell am i gonna find a bunch of gay guys? There are a lot of programs in my area that have meetings and activities for gay youths, but nothing for old farts like me. And those online dating sites? A fucking joke. Looks like i'm going to have to risk taking a beating and start hitting on guys at the supermarket.
In any event, before i can start hitting on guys in the produce section of the Safeway, i need a makeover. Badly. Problem number one: I don't know shit about fashion. It's not that i don't want to look good, i just don't know how. Problem number two: Assuming i did know a little something about fashion, finding clothes that fit me properly is a challenge. It would seem that i'm rather oddly proportioned (i could stand to be a few inches taller). lol With most brands of clothing, especially with shirts, the ones that fit well around my chest are usually too long. Shoes are another story. I have big feet (size 14w or 15 depending on the shoe) and most stores only stock up to size 12, 13 at the largest. Sure i can order them, but no guarantee they will fit. So in order to look my best, i need to not only be well dressed, but i also need to shed a few extra pounds. In order to do that, i need to radically change my diet. Not an easy task given my odd work hours and otherwise hectic schedule. I order take out a lot, and really don't have the time to cook proper meals. But i am walking a lot again. I get about 4 miles in 3 or 4 days a week. So, that's a start but i need to add some strength training in too, and i really don't have time to go to the gym.
As you can see, there is much to be done. There is a rough outline of a plan, but not much in the way of actual processes for implementing said plan. So much is dependent on everything falling into place. Just one critical failure, and the whole plan is shot to hell. And all while father time is hunting me down. lol. I still battle depression and bouts of self loathing on an almost daily basis. I am doing my best to put all that behind me,and keep moving forward. But as many of you undoubtedly know, as much as we may want to put it behind us an move on and be happy, it isn't all that simple. For me to be really, truly happy, i need to find a guy who will love me as much as i love him. For me to find such a guy, i need to know where to find him and talk to him. To talk to him i need to boost my self confidence and overcome my shyness by looking better and feeling better about myself, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat. Granted that list isn't in the least all inclusive. There are still a lot of emotional and psychological issues that need to be dealt with on a much deeper level. But, it would be a huge step forward in resolving a lot if i didn't feel so alone and had someone to share my life with.
Alrighty then, once again it's back to work today and i have been up all night and work is only a few hours away. I am trying to stay positive and motivated. After all, my problems are petty and insignificant in comparison the what some people have to face. But those feelings of loneliness, emptiness and worthlessness keep working their way to the surface. Ugh...must...keep...moving!
As you may or may not know, i came out to my friend Adam at work last week. He is the first person from my personal life that i have told i'm gay. He was an obvious choice, because he too is gay. And who better to understand and accept me than another gay guy? Well, now that i've got the easy one out of the way, who's next? More friends and people i trust at work? Friends (and i don't have many) from outside work? God forbid, my family? Granted, there are one or two people in my family who will likely accept me, but the vast majority will not. My "friends" outside work are not very likely to be accepting, and as much as it pains me, i am prepared to cut them loose if they don't. People at work are a different story. Most are likely to be accepting. Some will act like they are accepting to my face, but will still have inherently homophobic views and think of my being gay as a sickness, or just plain gross. I know, because i've heard them talk behind Adams back. The good news is that i don't give a shit about most of those people now, so it won't matter what they think if i were to come out.
Meeting people has always been a challenge for me. As i have mentioned in previous posts, i am pretty shy in social situations. I am especially shy when i'm around someone i'm attracted to. I get real quiet, and can't even manage to carry on even the most mundane small talk let alone flirt. But lets just pretend for a moment that i'm not a coward, and that i have the balls to approach a guy i'm interested in. Say i'm at the mall, and I see a cute guy and want to talk to him. How can i even think about talking to him, and maybe even flirt, if i don't know if he's gay? I can't just approach random guys that tickle my fancy and flirt! That's a good way to get my ass kicked. I'm pretty sure the last thing a straight guy wants to hear from another guy is how good his hair looks, or that his shirt really accentuates his eyes. Some might be flattered, but most will want to go get their buddies and do a little queer bashing. What's protocol for flirting with guys? I'm lost. lol. Oh, the answer is simple you say, just go where there are a lot of gay guys. With the exception of gay bars and clubs (i'm not really into the whole bar scene, and even if i were, not much happening on a Tuesday night when i have off), just where in the hell am i gonna find a bunch of gay guys? There are a lot of programs in my area that have meetings and activities for gay youths, but nothing for old farts like me. And those online dating sites? A fucking joke. Looks like i'm going to have to risk taking a beating and start hitting on guys at the supermarket.
In any event, before i can start hitting on guys in the produce section of the Safeway, i need a makeover. Badly. Problem number one: I don't know shit about fashion. It's not that i don't want to look good, i just don't know how. Problem number two: Assuming i did know a little something about fashion, finding clothes that fit me properly is a challenge. It would seem that i'm rather oddly proportioned (i could stand to be a few inches taller). lol With most brands of clothing, especially with shirts, the ones that fit well around my chest are usually too long. Shoes are another story. I have big feet (size 14w or 15 depending on the shoe) and most stores only stock up to size 12, 13 at the largest. Sure i can order them, but no guarantee they will fit. So in order to look my best, i need to not only be well dressed, but i also need to shed a few extra pounds. In order to do that, i need to radically change my diet. Not an easy task given my odd work hours and otherwise hectic schedule. I order take out a lot, and really don't have the time to cook proper meals. But i am walking a lot again. I get about 4 miles in 3 or 4 days a week. So, that's a start but i need to add some strength training in too, and i really don't have time to go to the gym.
As you can see, there is much to be done. There is a rough outline of a plan, but not much in the way of actual processes for implementing said plan. So much is dependent on everything falling into place. Just one critical failure, and the whole plan is shot to hell. And all while father time is hunting me down. lol. I still battle depression and bouts of self loathing on an almost daily basis. I am doing my best to put all that behind me,and keep moving forward. But as many of you undoubtedly know, as much as we may want to put it behind us an move on and be happy, it isn't all that simple. For me to be really, truly happy, i need to find a guy who will love me as much as i love him. For me to find such a guy, i need to know where to find him and talk to him. To talk to him i need to boost my self confidence and overcome my shyness by looking better and feeling better about myself, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat. Granted that list isn't in the least all inclusive. There are still a lot of emotional and psychological issues that need to be dealt with on a much deeper level. But, it would be a huge step forward in resolving a lot if i didn't feel so alone and had someone to share my life with.
Alrighty then, once again it's back to work today and i have been up all night and work is only a few hours away. I am trying to stay positive and motivated. After all, my problems are petty and insignificant in comparison the what some people have to face. But those feelings of loneliness, emptiness and worthlessness keep working their way to the surface. Ugh...must...keep...moving!
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