Pics and an update

Last week i came out to four more people. All of them, like all the ones i told before them, were 100% accepting and supportive. One of my friends at work said "well that explains the hair" when i told him. lol. I was actually a bit worried about telling him because he would tease another co-worker about being gay (even though he isn't). I gave it some thought, and came to the realisation he makes fun of everyone, so we are all targets of opportunity for his jokes, including himself. So in the end, it turned out ok, and he still came over for dinner on Monday as we had planned before i told him.

Sunday morning at 4:45am as i was backing out of the garage and leaving for work, i pushed the button to close the garage door, watched it close as i always do to makes sure it goes all the way down, and was a little surprised to see it stop 3/4 of the way down and then go back up. WTF?! OK, something fell in front of the sensor. Get out of the car, go check it out. Nope, sensors are clear. Fuck. Fart around with it for 15 minutes and i can get it to open and close with the manual motor advance button on the garage door opener itself, but not with the controls. So, find my tools to re-atach the manual latches so i can lock the door while i'm away and head for work (now late...whoo-hoo). When i get home, i decide to try to figure it out even though i should be in bed because i need to be back to work in six and a half hours. Well, short story long, I took the thing apart and was checking for loose electrical connections (i found one before when it was acting up and re-soldered the joint and it's worked fine until now) when i found the power transformer and accidentally shorted it out. ZZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPP!!!! One brilliant shower of sparks later, my electrical tester is welded to the circuit board and the garage door opener is dead for sure...lol. Oops...

Yesterday, i went to Mt. Rainier for a little biking/hiking. The bike ride portion was five miles up hill from the park entrance to the trail head, and then back down later (which was a flippin' blast!). The hike was eight miles round trip up to the terminus of Carbon Glacier, the lowest glacier on Mt. Rainier. I didn't bring sunscreen, so i'm a bit crispy today. Well, enjoy the pics!


^ Park entrance.


^ My chariot! lolz


^ Mt. Rainier.


^ Mt. Rainier and the Carbon River.


^ Small waterfalls on the trail.


^ Suspension bridge across the Carbon River


^ View of the Carbon River and Glacier from the bridge.


^ Carbon River valley looking downstream from the head waters.


^ Carbon Glacier and the headwaters of the Carbon River with Mt. Rainier in the background.

Now for the hard part...

In some areas of my life, I am extremely fortunate. Today, I came out to my brother. Although a bit shocked and surprised, he is behind me all the way. He actually congratulated me on coming out. My little brother and I were really close as kids, and we each have held secrets for each other for many years. I had expected him to be the most accepting of all my family from the beginning, and he has lived up to my expectations. He said he would be there for me mo matter what. His unconditional acceptance of me is just awesome.

My dad and I had a few private moments today and were able to discuss things a little. He said that it is still soaking in that i'm gay, but he is totally supportive and will always be there for me no matter what. I told him that I told my brother and that it went well (as my dad expected). I told my dad how grateful I am for him and my brother. He said there is no need to be grateful, that he and my brother loved me unconditionally. He added that unconditional meant just that. They would love me mo matter what. I asked my dad about how he thought some of my other relatives would react. In particular, how my fav aunt (my dads sis) would react. She knows my dad has been worried about me a lot and actually asked my dad if he thought I might be gay. Winner winner chicken dinner. So following that, he said she would be completely cool with it. In fact, he said most of the relatives on his side of the family would likely be cool. So, my aunt will likely be next to know.

Now that the easy part is out of the way (ha ha), on to the really hard part...telling my mom and sister. My sis is hard to read. After talking to my bro, I get the feeling my sis would be ok after a while. She appearantly has some gay friends, and so is ok with gays. It just might take her a while to adjust to thinking of me as gay. However, she tells my mom everything and so I can't tell my sis until I'm ready for my mom to find out. My mom will freak out on me. Of that I'm convinced. She may still love me, but will never support me and will insist that I'm sick and need treatment. This is getting kinda hard now.

The other difficulty will me in finding a boyfriend. My bro insists that I have heaps going for me and that I will find some one to love who will love me. So, when I get home, winning CPB's (cute pizza boy's) heart will become my priority. I will gladly accept any help anyone can offer in that arena. I have zero experience with flirting and talking to guys I like.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the support you've given me and for your comments. Well, I'm exhausted and need sleep.

Laterz.

Out to my Dad

Well, after stressing myself out to the point of almost having a breakdown, I've done what I thought I could never do. I came out to my dad. What a relief to finally have that weight lifted from my shoulders. The feeling of finally being able to be myself around my dad is indescribable.

My dad and I spent the whole day together, and the opportunity to bring it up to him never presented itself. I was worried that I would have to delay telling him for a while and stress out about it even longer. So, after lunch, and stopping at a music shop to look at some guitars, I suggested we take a walk and work off our lunch. He said sure...that sounds good. So, we head out for our walk and just start chatting about random stuff. I was so nervous, I felt sick. At first I wasn't sure I could go through with it. Eventually though, I just brought it up. I asked my dad if he recalled our phone convo a few weeks ago, and he said yes. I asked if he wanted to hear the whole story, start to finish. Again, he said yes. I said that he may not like the way the story ends. He again said to me that there is nothing we couldn't overcome.

So, I told him that my depression has two main causes as far as I can tell, and that they are closely related two each other. I told him that one of the reasons I'm depressed is that I am so alone, and have been for a long time. I went into some detail about my loneliness. I finally just turned to him and said "dad, I'm gay". He acted a little surprised, but said the thought had crossed his mind. He said that it more than ok, that it changes nothing about how he feels about me, that he loved me. I told him a little about how I felt about the boy in my first grade class, and how I had no idea how to make sense of those feelings. I told him that I knew I was gay from the time I was in middle school. I told him how hard it's been carrying that secret for so long. He said he wishes I would have told him sooner. I only wish I had.

I am hanging out with my brother tomorrow, so I will probably tell him then. My dad seems to think my bro will take it well and be cool with it. I will let you know how it goes.

Now, if I could only find a boyfriend...

All the news that is news.

Hi everyone. I haven't had much time for blogging lately, but have been reading what i can, when i can. So, just because i haven't been commenting much doesn't mean i'm not reading your blog. Now that summer is here, i have been outside taking bike rides a lot more frequently and taking walks, etc. OMG...there are well loads of fit guys out there running and biking, and such. Opportunities to purve abound. Maybe i should try getting into running next...all the really cute fit guys seem to run. I love their toned, muscular legs (showcased by their cute shorts) and their slim, fit torsos (showcased by nothing at all, if i'm really lucky). I love summer! Oh, and a huge thank you to all who have left a comment or sent an email regarding my last couple of posts. Your words of encouragement and advice, and just kind words in general mean the world to me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I head out to Wisconsin on 6 June to visit my pops, and will be gone until 14 June, so i won't be on MSN during that time. I know, i know...you are all heart broken and are now curled up in the fetal position, crying softly, wondering just how in the hell you will survive without having me to talk to for a week. That sounds pretty dramatic, but more than likely no one would have noticed my absence if i hadn't said anything...lol. Anyway, i can't find a messenger for my iPhone that works with all my contacts, so you are all shit out of luck...lol. :p I will try to post from my iPhone and keep you updated as to my progress and subsequent success/failure/breakdown.

So, in less than a week i will be out to my dad. I will probably be out to my brother as well. Oh, let's not forget my stepmother either. Holy shit. Am i really going to go through with this? Yeah, me thinks i will. I am pretty nervous about it all, but semi-confident things will work out better than i had originally thought. There is still a chance things will go horribly wrong, and whats left of my life will come crashing down around me. In which case, i will no doubt finally snap and either go ape shit and lead the police on a multi-state high speed chase followed by a spectacular crash, or i will breakdown and collapse into myself never to be seen again. Once my dad and brother know, it will then be time to tell my mom and sister. Both of them will be significantly more difficult to deal with. So much so, i don't even want to think about it now, or i may lose my nerve and not tell my dad. I really think it's time to move on. I think that my dad is ready to hear the truth. I still wonder if he suspects, and if so, for how long. I guess i will find out in a few days.

In other news, i came out to another co-worker on Saturday. Let's call her Beth. She is a new trainee in my area, and i was instructing her on Saturday. Adam and his student were training on the position next to the one i was training Beth on. Beth is a lesbian, by the way. Anyway, Adam was humming some song, and Beth started humming along to it as well. I'm like "wtf song are you two singing?". Beth says "hetero men can be so clueless sometimes". I laughed my ass off, and Adam just gave me some stupid smile and Beth was giving both of us a very quizzical look, but said nothing further. Later, i asked Adam what song it was, and he told me and said "i ought to take away your gay card for not knowing that" and laughed. At the end of the day, i was debriefing Beth about our training session, and said to her "by the way, you almost got me in some serious trouble with Adam before when i didn't know that song. He threatened to take away my gay card for that". She just stared at me and said "you are?". Yep, i am. So, we had a nice little chat and exchanged mobile numbers. One more ally.

Lastly, cute pizza guy... Well, i went back to see him twice last week, and both times he wasn't there. :( So, on Sunday before my overnight shift i decided to stop by for dinner and see if he was in. I made two laps around the place trying to see if i could see him. No luck, and finally the hostess asked if there was something i was looking for. Oops...made myself look suspicious. I just said i was looking for a friend who said he might be meeting me for dinner, and i didn't see him, so just seat me anywhere. So, after i've been seated and have ordered, guess who i see. Yep...my cutie. Damn. Well, he walked past my table, his back towards me (my back was to the wall as well). So, i got to purve for a moment before he turned the corner. :p A few minutes later, he is walking down the aisle directly towards me and i could swear he is looking me over. Maybe it's because he recognizes me from when we met the first time. Or who knows why...maybe he likes me? Nah...couldn't be that. Now i am inventing things in order to give me a false confidence. Or i could just be seeing things and he wasn't looking me over at all. But i'm almost certain he notices me before i notice him and catch his eye. I made eye contact with him, and he didn't look away. I am nervous as hell at this point, and all i can manage is to give him a little wave of my hand and a awkward smile and say "Hi. How is your night going?". He gives me a little smile back, and says his night is going alright. And then he is gone. That is all i managed to say to him. So, my guess is that if he is in fact gay, he probably knows that i am too, and that i'm interested in him. Why else would i make eye contact with some random employee and smile at him and say hi if i'm not interested? He walked past my table one other time, but my loudmouth waitress was barking up the wrong tree and trying to chat me up looking for a good tip. I'm thinking to myself "shut the fuck up and move along!". LOL. So when he walked past me that time, i could see him looking at me from the corner of my eye. IDK, maybe he's in tune and can tell i'm into him. Or maybe he's thinking "why is that creepo guy talking to me and making eyes at me?" Or maybe he really does actually like me too. Who knows. I can't help but feel like i'm setting myself up for a major disappointment. The odds are not in my favor at all. But, lady luck favors the bold. So, my plan is to go try and talk to him again tonight (Wednesday night). Is it too bold of me to first ask if he is working, and then ask to be seated in his section? That might raise some eyebrows, and suspicions. Or make me look like a creepo stalker. But, it would guarantee i get to talk to him a bit more than i have previously. If the hostess tells him i asked for him, he might be freaked out by that and not want to talk, or worse, just write me off as a nut job. Or it could make it even more obvious that i like him and he might be flattered. Ugh...too many variables. I hate not being in control of a situation. I have to find out one way or another though...if i let this go and never find out, i will be kicking myself in the ass for all time. I can't let opportunities pass me by anymore. One last thing about him. Yes, he is really cute (to me anyway), but my attraction to him runs deeper than that. I don't know him, or anything about him, but there is something there that draws me in. Something that makes me feel good in a way i can't describe. Maybe this time, i will finally have a bit of good luck. But, he will probably turn out to be straight... I'll keep you posted either way.

Laterz.

The beginning of the end?

I have taken those first few unsteady steps on a journey from which there is no return. I spoke with my dad yesterday for almost an hour when I should have been working. He is very concerned about me, as I have been noticeably more depressed than usual lately. He started asking me a lot of questions about what's been bothering me. I said I have a pretty good idea of what it is, but that I would rather not talk about it over the phone, that it's very hard for me to talk about. He continued to gently prod me for answers, and I said I want to talk about it but that the phone isn't the place to do it, that I'd rather discuss it face to face.

When I got home from work last night, I went online and booked a flight out to visit my pops in early June when I've got some leave from work. So, my dad knows something is up and now I have a ticket to go see him. At this point, I am pretty much committed to coming out to him in just a couple of weeks. Now that he knows that I am carrying a burden and that I know what that burden is he won't let me skate without talking to him about it.

This morning, I had a voicemail from my dad on my mobile. He was pretty upset about our conversation last night. He called to see how I was doing, and wanted to make sure I was ok. I felt really bad for making him worry so much. I called him back on my break before and had a fairly encouraging conversation with him. First off, I told him about my trip and he was extremely excited to hear I am coming for a visit. The topic then shifted back to me. He again said how worried he is about me and that he was thinking about me all day. He said he would do anything he could to help me. He said that the love between a father and son is unconditional and that there isn't anything that we can't overcome together. He said he only wants for me to be happy. That he misses hearing me laugh. I told him that I have done my best to carry this weight for a long time, but that it has become too great. He said that when I get into town, he and I can have a nice long talk and work things out. He again said that there is nothing that will make him love me any less and that there is nothing we can't overcome. God, I love my dad.

So, we will see what happens. I still have no idea what he suspects might be weighing on me. None of the things he was asking me about gave any clue as to what he thinks. In any event, I am still scared as hell about telling him, but I'm strangely at peace about it. Let's hope this is the beginning of the end for me having to live my life as someone I'm not.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair?"

That was what one of my friends at work said about my new hair cut on Sunday. lol. He followed that up with "you're not going gay on us are you?". If only he knew...and i almost said "why yes i am". But all i did was give a cryptic "maybe" followed by a good laugh. One of my other co-workers added in "switch teams now and you get a free toaster oven" to which i replied "throw in a decent espresso machine, and you've got a deal". If i had any balls at all, i would have come out to everyone in the room right then and there. Just not ready for that yet though. In any event, the "going gay" comment must mean that my haircut was an unqualified success! Go to a gay stylist, get a gay hair style. :D I'm going back to him for all my hair cuts from now on. There may be hope for me yet.

I have had several people i know ask me if i've lost weight. So, it would seem my self imposed regimen of torture is working to some small degree. I have been trying to walk at least a couple of miles every day. Last week, i walked six miles one day. But that is not having as big an effect as it once did. Time to ratchet things up a bit, maybe buy a new bike or something (my old bike is nice, but not very modern or comfortable...its about 12 years old now). On top of walking, i have been doing push ups and crunches every other day or so. That seems to be having some effect as well. Here again, i think i need to kick it up a notch and start with some weight training. Diet is the hardest part. I have been depriving myself of pizza, Coca-cola, and beer/liquor. I have also moved away from the lattes and onto Americanos. Far fewer calories than even a non-fat latte. And pretty damn good to boot. I am still a work in progress tho, and there is much work to be done before i am presentable.

Had a good talk with Jack last night at work. He admitted he was surprised by the fact i am gay. He is very accepting tho, and i am really glad i decided to tell him. He was on holiday last week, and said that he was wondering if i was just playing a joke on him while he was gone. lol. Apparently, i do a damn good job of acting straight. As it turns out, Jacks brother is gay. No wonder he took it so well when i told him. We talked about how his brothers coming out affected his family, and it unfolded about as i anticipate my coming out will affect mine. Not so good. He said his parents still love his brother, but don't accept or approve of his lifestyle. Jack's brothers partner isn't allowed in his parents home. It has forever altered the parent/son relationship. Jack and i also talked about my next moves, where i want to go from here. etc. I told Jack how frustrated i am about waiting so long to come out, and how badly i want to find a partner. I also told him about my crush on Eric. I am so grateful for Jack. I asked if he wanted to establish any boundaries for our discussions, because i didn't want to offend him or make him uncomfortable with any of my gay issues. He just said "do we need boundaries?". What an awesome guy.

I got a compliment on my new shoes from another guy i work with. Looks like my little changes are having some effect after all. Here again, still a work in progress. I desperately need some sleep. I have had only about eight hours of sleep or so since Friday morning (it's now Tuesday morning for me). Time to sign off, and close my burning eyes for a while. Laterz.

Time for some new shoes?

My sister went home yesterday. Needless to say, she still doesn't know that i'm gay. After reading Torchy's comment on my last post, i got to thinking that i really don't know how my sister feels about gays. I was going to take the idea suggested by Torchy and make up some fictitious person at work who has come out to me, or talk about Adam getting hitched to his partner but the right opening in the convo never presented itself. Having my mom around all weekend didn't help me to bring this up either. In the end though, i have a feeling that i shouldn't tell her until i'm ready for my mom to know too.

This weekend, i got an email from a reader that really made me think . The email said that in her heart, my mom probably already knows that i'm gay. The writer of the email wondered what would hurt my mom more, that i'm gay or that i don't trust her enough to tell her. That really made me think. Could i be hurting her by keeping my secret from her? She knows i'm depressed and unhappy, and i'm sure that hurts her. What mother doesn't want her child to be happy? But does she know why i'm unhappy and depressed? If she really knew why i am so miserable, would she still want me to pursue happiness? I am still of the opinion that i would be disowned, but i could be wrong.

On a lighter note, i went out and bought a new pair of shoes on Saturday. I think i need another pair or two. The guy working at the shoe store is one of those guys who looks pretty average to the outside observer, but sets off alarms and bells in my heart and mind. He is really cute (to me anyway), slightly fem (i know, i'm stereotyping...sorry), and has some great tattoos. I don't remember the details of the tats (i was way to busy taking in his cute face and perfect tummy. :p), but he had ink on both of his arms. *sighs* I have not been able to get him out of my mind for even one second since seeing him Saturday afternoon. I see cute guys every time i go out it seems, but there is something about him that pushes all the right buttons, and ignites a fire inside of me. My gaydar doesn't work very well (if at all), but i got the feeling he may have been gay. No hard facts or proof, just a gut feeling. I really want to go back and talk to him some more, maybe put on my ultra huge ballz and ask him out. But i don't want to take a chance on asking him out not knowing for sure if he is gay. It would be odd finding excuses to go in and talk to him in any detail about anything, especially trying to find out if he is gay, since he is at work after all, and just how many pairs of shoes could i possibly need? LOL. I'm guessing just asking him if he is gay is out of the question, especially given the environment in which we would be talking. I'm a lousy flirt to begin with, and not knowing if he is gay or not makes it even more difficult. There is a good chance he'd think i'm a creepy old man for talking to him anyway, since he looks to be in his early to mid 20's. Just thinking about him makes me feel 10 years younger though. I'd really hate to let any opportunity pass me by, but my chances are slim to none even if he is gay i reckon. I guess he'll just wind up being another wank fantasy boy. This is really frustrating. Any advice you guys might have to offer would really be appreciated.

Not much else going on in my little world. It's still cold and rainy, i still have no boyfriend, and my laptop is full (only 500MB of free space remain on the hard drive). Guess i'll have to buy a portable hard drive and back it up, then delete all my files to make more room. I have been using my laptop as a back up for my music and pics and vids. Storing all of that on an external hard drive would work just as well i suppose. Either way, i need to do something. 500mb of free space is not conducive to downloading porn. :p As for the cold and rain and no boyfriend, maybe it's time i quit my job and go someplace else and start over.

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I was busy with work and spending time with my sis, so i have a lot of catching up to do here in blogland. With any luck, the Easter weekend will have caused a slowdown and will make it easier for me to catch up. :) Laters.

He actually laughed!

It's almost quarter to four in the afternoon, and i just got out of bed. Yes, yes, i know, i'm a lazy bum and all that. :p I actually slept really well Saturday night, although i still only got about five hours of sleep. But when one is used to only getting 1 or 2 hours, 5 is pretty good. But, i didn't get a nap in before my mid shift Sunday night, so i was well tired when i got home this morning. Oh, and i did a bit of "spirited driving" on my way to work Sunday morning. Having to leave for work at 4:45 am has its advantages. :) It's about the only time i have the road almost to my self in this town. So the freeway (motorway) on ramp is long and straight, with good views ahead and behind. No cops in sight, gas pedal to the floor, through second gear, shift into third, and another shift to fourth. 125 MPH is reached in an alarmingly short period of time. :D The sound of the engine revving to its 7000 rpm red line is music to my ears. God, i love my car. OK, enough blather. :p

At work last night, Jack and i were actually fairly busy until about 1:45am, which is unusual for this time of year (we stay busy even later in the summer). Things normally die down well before 1am in winter/spring/fall, and we can settle in and talk or watch a movie. The cleaning girl finally came through at about 2am (also late) and did her vacuuming, etc. I finally get the laptop set-up and ready to watch "Dogma" at about 2:30, but i stall actually starting the movie. I am scared shitless and my stomach is in knots at this point just thinking about telling Jack that i'm gay. What if he flips out and our friendship is ruined? I still have to work mids with him (it's just us two all night long) for the next eight months. What if i tell him and he lets my secret out before i'm ready? So many ways this could go all wrong.

Anyway, i keep stalling starting the movie by making nervous small talk, digging through my laptop bag, fidgeting with brightness and volume settings on my laptop, and a bunch of other obviously odd behaviors. I finally turn to Jack and say "Can you keep a secret?". He says "yeah, whats the matter?". "I really need to tell you something, and i need you to keep it to yourself...you can't tell anyone, OK?" He gives me a look of concern and says "What is is? Are you alright?". Insert dramatic pause here. "I'm gay". He gave me a really neutral sort of look for just a second and then he actually laughed! "Holy shit! Is that all? I though you were going to tell me you were dying or something! Fuck man, i don't care about that. In fact, that explains a few things. Like why your were so open to being bi, and why you laughed so much when i mentioned my wife wanting our son to be gay." A few months back, we were having a discussion about all the new people coming in the building. A few of them are lesbians, so we started talking about sexuality a bit and somehow we wound up on being bi, and i'd made some comment on the order of "being bi automatically doubles your chances of getting laid. Maybe i should give it a try".

After that, he said he needs to have his gaydar looked at, because he never really suspected i was gay, just those few little hints i dropped to him. I went on to tell Jack that he and Adam are the only two people in my real life who know, and i think he was pretty flattered that i would trust him with my secret. He asked when i told Adam, and he said that it must be like a weight lifted from my shoulders. He also said, "I guess i need to be careful talking about tits now" and laughed. I told him (as if he really needed me to say it) that things aren't any different than they were before, except he now knows the real me. I told him we could still talk about all the things we did before, that nothing has really changed. I then said to him that i hope that my being gay doesn't change the dynamics of our friendship. He says "No, no, it's cool".

The rest of the night went on as if things were just the same as always. I can be a bit paranoid, and i was wondering if Jack was just being so cool about it in order to spare my feelings or something. I got over that pretty quickly, and just accepted the fact that he accepts me for who i am. On our way out to the parking lot after our shift, i thanked him for keeping my secret a secret. He just said "No problem, bud". Then he laughed a little and said he was thinking back to our argument with Dodge a while back. Dodge is a sick and twisted far right sort who believes that being gay is a mental illness just like schizophrenia, and that gays should be institutionalized and treated. Jack said he wanted to strangle Dodge after that, he can only imagine how i must have felt. I did tear Dodge a new asshole, but didn't want my secret revealed at that point. If we were to have that conversation now, I think i would tell Dodge "Oh yeah? I'm gay. Now what you sick fuck?" and get him in heaps of trouble for discrimination.

So there it is. I'm out to one more person in real life, for a grand total of two. After the way i had built up coming out to Jack, it was almost anti-climatic when i finally did tell him, especially considering how cool he is about it. I don't think they will all be this easy though. Who to tell next...

Burnt to a crisp.

Hiya. Just a quickie post as i'm very tired right now. But i wanted to get a quick post in tonight because i will be working all day tomorrow (Sunday for me) and turning around to a mid (night) shift tomorrow night.

Before i forget, thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I will try to make individual responses when i get some time.

So, today was the first day in months there has been both sunshine and "warm" temperatures. By warm i mean it was almost 60 f (about 14 c). After this long, cold, snowy winter, that felt really good. :) We also had our annual Easter egg hunt at work today. Every year, our employees association puts on an Easter egg hunt for the kids and families of the people who work at my place of employment. It usually rains, but today was splendid. The grounds are huge, with plenty of trees and lawn area for the kids. It's really quite a bit of fun for everyone. This year, i got selected to help out with getting things set up and just kind of being a public relations guy during the festivities. Basically, i got to fuck off and do no real work for about three hours and spend some time in the sun and fresh air. LOL. The downside is, after being locked indoors for the past six months, i am about as pale as pale can be. Well, i should say "was" pale. Now i'm sunburned beyond recognition. LOL.

I've actually been a very busy boy today. When i got home from work, i mowed my lawn for the first time since last October (it was about a foot tall and required me to haul about six bags of grass clippings up-hill to my compost heap), washed my car (it's so pretty when it's clean :p), and decided to treat myself to a nice steak cooked on the grill for all my hard work (washed down with an icy cold beer of course). With the combination of sun, fresh air and work, i should sleep like the dead tonight.

I think i will attempt coming out to Jack once again tomorrow night. I'll let you all know how it goes on Monday. *crosses fingers, hopes not to chicken out again*

I'll leave you with another photo. I took this photo this evening while my coals were getting up to temp in the grill. The view is looking southeast towards Mt. Rainier from the park down the street from my house. Enjoy! :)

Complications

It would seem that my plan to come out at work first has hit a snag. I don't know why I didn't think of it before, but I work with three people who know and keep in touch with my sister. My sister and i have the same employer and we do the same job, just in different locations. The problem with this is that if I come out to everyone at work and not just a few trusted people, it won't be long before my sister finds out that I'm gay from one of her friends that I work with. After she finds out, it won't be long before my mom finds out (my sister tells my mom every thing).

I don't know how my sister will react, but my mom is already convinced that I'm going to he'll for not having God in my life. But at least as it is now, she still loves me and believes there is hope for me. If she found out I'm gay, she'd go off the deep end. Not only would I be going to hell, but I'd be disowned. My mom thinks being gay is both sickness and sin. All hope for me would be lost in her eyes. She would probably try to get me to seek treatment for my "illness", and when I refused our relationship would end. I don't have many people in my life who really love me. I don't know if I could handle the loss of even one right now.

On top of that, it would take the coming out process out of my control, and that is something I'm not prepared to let go of just yet. Once my mom found out it wouldn't be long before everyone knew. This is something I need to be in control of. But I need to come out. Being in the closet is slowly killing me. Maybe it would be for the better if I came out at work and let the situation spiral out of control. Then at least it would be done and over with and I could finally move on. How fucking frustrating.

I am so weak!

As i have mentioned before, i work an odd schedule. My work week starts on Thursday afternoon at 4:00 and runs through about 5:30 Monday morning. I work evenings, days and mids all in one week. No wonder i can't sleep. The point of my rambling is that i see the people i work with more than anyone else in my life. On the mid shifts, we run a skeleton crew of just two people per area, and a supervisor for all of us (days by comparison have about 15 people and 3 supes per area). So my mid partner and i have a lot of time to talk about random shit through the course of our mid shifts since work is usually pretty slow.

My mid partner, Jack, is a really good guy. He is a family man, has a really cool wife and three great kids. He is pretty open minded and accepting of others. He has told me that his wife actually wants their son to be gay! lol. I laughed when he told me this simply because it made me wish my family were so accepting of gays that they would actually want a gay child. He told me that he doesn't care either way, just as long as his son grows up happy. Wow. I was on the verge of crying when he said that (yes, i am a crier...if something really moves me, i tend to tear up and cry like a girl...lol). In any event, i had decided that Jack would be the next person i came out to.

Once our work tapered off, we settled into some of our usual conversation about anything and everything (no topic is really off limits). I finally got up the nerve to say to him "I need to tell you something really important and need you to keep very quiet about it". He gave me a questioning look and said "OK". Just as i was about to launch into my spiel, the supervisor comes round the corner with some information we had been looking for earlier. We talked to the supe for about five minutes, and when he left, Jack asks me what i wanted to tell him. I said, "Oh...never mind. I'll tell you later". At this point, i went to get something to drink and to kick myself in the ass for being such a weak minded chicken shit for not being able to tell him! Arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! FFS. I just lost my nerve. Good god, if i keep this up i will spend the rest of my life alone.

In other news, not seeing Eric as much as i used to is having the opposite effect of what i had hoped. Instead of following the rules for "out of sight, out of mind", me not seeing Eric seems to be following "absence makes the heart grow fonder". In the two weeks since he's moved days off, i have only seen him once. But i have been thinking about him more than ever. It doesn't take much to bring him to the front of my mind. I am dreaming about him more too. I had a wonderful dream about him this morning. I don't remember much of it, but we end up kissing. When i wake up, i can still feel his perfect lips against mine. I feel almost euphoric until i fully awake and realize it was just a dream. At that point i want to crawl under a rock and die.

I have been sticking to my "exercise and diet" plan better than expected. I have been walking at least an hour a day for three of the last four days. I still drink soda, but have been drinking diet instead of regular. I have even been ordering my lattes from Starbucks "non-fat". They taste like shit. I guess its better than going cold turkey, but this lack of flavor is horrible. I have also been really keeping an eye on what i eat. Meaning, not much of anything i really like is being eaten. Ugh. I don't feel any better, or look any better, so who knows if this will actually do me any good. All i know is that i want a pizza and a Coke. Followed by a half-rack of non-lite beer. My taste buds are organizing a revolution. LOL.

I mentioned i had been trying some of those dating sites, and that only one person ever bothered to respond to my emails. Well, after his initial response, we began emailing back and forth daily, sometimes two or three times a day for almost a month. It seemed as if we had heaps in common, but enough differences to keep the conversations interesting. I had finally worked up the courage to ask him to dinner, and to my amazement he said yes. We never did work out a date, as he was busy for a while there, but he promised to make time soon. It has now been two weeks since i have heard anything from him. I have sent a few emails just to say hi and keep up appearances, but not one word back from him. Needless to say, i am feeling more than a little let down by this. WTF? Maybe i'm more fucked up than i had thought. I mean, out of all the emails i sent, i get one response, and now he's not talking anymore either. Fuck.

Well, enough of my ranting for now. BTW, if you have linked me or follow me and i haven't returned the courtesy, please comment or send me an email and i'll take care of it as soon as i can. I try to keep up with that, but i miss things on occasion. I bought a new camera a couple months ago. I have been playing with it, and have a few pics (no, not that sort of pic :p) i want to post here eventually, if i ever bother to figure out how. Bye for now.

One down...

So, it would seem that after becoming infatuated with Eric last October, my "inner gay", that part of me that i have always known was there but never really payed much attention to, could no longer stand incarceration and demanded to be let out of his prison. And who could blame him. After all, he is the real me. And while have long accepted him, i didn't give him near the attention i should have. So, i turned him loose.

It was shortly after this that i discovered the great blogosphere, and started reading a few blogs. I made a few new friends, some of whom felt like family to me. After reading his blog, i felt as though Mirrorboy was my long lost gay little brother. He was in fact the first person i ever came out to, in real life or in cyberspace. But even after telling my new online friends who i really am, i still felt this burning need to talk to someone in my real life about my secret. The need to come out to a person i knew personally and spent time with on a regular basis became almost over powering.

I found that person in a friend from work. "Adam" is openly gay. He and i get along quite well at work, and we frequently talk and go outside and walk together when our breaks match up. Well, it rains a lot here in winter, so not much walking to be done. And with as many people as we have at my job, finding any kind of privacy in the building is rare. I guess Adam and i are going to need to get together outside of work so i can finally let out this deepest of secrets that i have been carrying with me for far too long.

I finally worked up the nerve to ask Adam if he would be willing to get together outside of work sometime. I told him i had something very important and private to talk to him about and didn't want to risk having anyone else over hear (the people i work with are for the most part pretty awesome, but real effing gossips). Hell, i even made sure that no one could over hear me when i talked to Adam about getting together. I was so nervous, my hands were trembling. But he said sure no problem. Whew! I felt better already.

With our odd work schedules, and different sets of days off, we had almost no time when we could get together. I kept checking with him periodically to see if he had some free time, and he almost never did. I finally got him to agree on a time and place. I was pissing my pants. On the morning of the day we were supposed to meet, i called and cancelled. I just couldn't go through with it. How could i ever tell anyone face to face that i'm gay?

Fast forward to last night. Adam and i get out on a break at the same time. Oh good...no one else is around. "Hey Adam, you have a few minutes? I really need to talk to you." "Sure", he says. WTF am i thinking?! Am i really going to tell him i'm gay at work, where anyone within earshot could overhear? Like i said, there are very few places to have a quite, private conversation with anyone at my work. But i'm in luck...the lobby of the Administrative wing is empty (people usually make mobile phone calls in there when the weather is crap like today), and all the office staff have long gone home.

"Adam, how are you at keeping secrets?" "I can keep a secret" he says. "Really? I mean really huge, earth shattering, mother of all secrets secrets." "Yeah", he says, "But you'll find it might not be so earth shattering after all". I give him an odd look, and he give me this knowing smile. "I have something i really need to tell you, Adam". And he says "I know", and gives me that smile again. "I'm gay." "I know" he says again.

Did i just do that? I can't believe i just did that. I just told someone i know and see all the time that i'm gay! I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders. He told me he had suspected i was gay, but wasn't sure until i asked to talk to him outside work. We talked for a little while about his coming out experience and about how different the gay scene is here compared with where he grew up. We also talked a bit about our families and the varying degrees of acceptance he got from his family. His mother, like mine, is convinced gays have a First Class seat on the Concorde, non-stop service to Hell. We talked about how even though he has been living here for almost four years, how few gay friends he really has here (doesn't look good for me finding a cute, high quality boyfriend). And we talked about how accepting almost all of the people we work with really are. But, we kept getting interrupted by people walking through the hall. And finally a mutual friend came along and sat with us ending our liberating little chat. And before anyone asks, Adam has a partner who he has been with for seven years (i'm so jealous). And yes, Adam is cute. :p

So there you have it. The longer than necessary story of how i came out to a person i know in my real life for the first time. I'm still pretty stoked about the whole experience. And once again, i have stayed up all night and work is only a few short hours away.

Before i go, i want to point you all in the direction of another new blog. Please head on over and say hi to a really great guy named Randy at Overrated Integrity. He's in a pretty tough spot right now (much like where i was just a few months back, or still am for that matter), and needs all the help and support he can get right now.

First Steps

First off, all I can say is "wow". I am really amazed by all of the comments I have received so far. A HUGE thank you to everyone. Now, on to business...

As Steevo mentioned, I attended my first PFLAG meeting last week. So, technically, I suppose I am sorta out, even if it is to complete strangers. For me though, there is still no one I know personally in real life who knows I'm gay.

Attending a PFLAG meeting was a big first step for me. Having hid my sexuality for so long, I was pretty nervous about attending the meeting and telling my story. Even as i began to speak, i was wondering if talking was such a good idea. But after my first sentence, it all just flowed out of me. The people at the meeting were mostly parents who had gay children. It was really comforting to be there with them, and know that even though we had just met, they accepted me for who i am. As i spoke with them and told them about my situation, about how my real family would condemn me for being gay, i began to feel some hope. Hope that things would work out OK after all these years of hiding in my closet. Hope that the majority of the people in my life would accept me for who i am.

As Kevin has said in a comment on my previous post, ones sexuality really is their business. I don't plan on putting an ad on TV telling people that i'm gay, or as he said, tell people i'm gay when i introduce myself. That said, i want to be open and honest with people. If someone asks me, i want to be able to answer with confidence and pride "yes, i am gay". As Kevin also said, there are people in my life who most likely suspect that i'm gay and don't have the balls to ask me. I mean, c'mon, i'm 32 and have never had a girlfriend. It's pretty simple to figure out. LOL. Maybe they figure it is my business, and that i wil tell them if i feel that they need to know. At the same time, i can't help but feel like i'm being sneaky, like i'm keeping the truth from them. I want to meet new people, and make new friends who i can be myself with (that is, actually have some gay friends). But i also want to be able to be myself with those i already know.

For me, coming out is about finally being able to be honest. Honest with my friends, both new and old, honest with my family (still a tough nut to crack), and most importantly honest with myself. I came to terms with being gay a long time ago. But i have never allowed that part of me to be seen. I hope by letting that part of me out, i will find some happiness and peace.