thank you

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who commented and emailed me about my last post. I have been really busy, so i haven't had the time to reply to each comment individually, but i will as soon as i can. I've also been falling behind on reading and commenting on others blogs as well. Sorry for slacking off here. I try to read what i can on my iPhone on my breaks at work, but commenting is kind of a pain. I'll try and catch up soon. I guess i have been pretty depressed and really stressing out over how i should proceed with coming out. I need to be myself, and try to find some happiness in life, but fear of the unknown is incredibly powerful... I don't want to ruin relationships with my family, the people who are closest to me. i don't want to be alone. I want to be honest, and really be myself. So much i need to do, and so little time remains. Once again, thanks to everyone who reads my little blog. Only one thing is certain...as Mirrorboy said, if i weren't gay and confused and frustrated, i never would have met all of you wonderful people.

Complications

It would seem that my plan to come out at work first has hit a snag. I don't know why I didn't think of it before, but I work with three people who know and keep in touch with my sister. My sister and i have the same employer and we do the same job, just in different locations. The problem with this is that if I come out to everyone at work and not just a few trusted people, it won't be long before my sister finds out that I'm gay from one of her friends that I work with. After she finds out, it won't be long before my mom finds out (my sister tells my mom every thing).

I don't know how my sister will react, but my mom is already convinced that I'm going to he'll for not having God in my life. But at least as it is now, she still loves me and believes there is hope for me. If she found out I'm gay, she'd go off the deep end. Not only would I be going to hell, but I'd be disowned. My mom thinks being gay is both sickness and sin. All hope for me would be lost in her eyes. She would probably try to get me to seek treatment for my "illness", and when I refused our relationship would end. I don't have many people in my life who really love me. I don't know if I could handle the loss of even one right now.

On top of that, it would take the coming out process out of my control, and that is something I'm not prepared to let go of just yet. Once my mom found out it wouldn't be long before everyone knew. This is something I need to be in control of. But I need to come out. Being in the closet is slowly killing me. Maybe it would be for the better if I came out at work and let the situation spiral out of control. Then at least it would be done and over with and I could finally move on. How fucking frustrating.