"What the fuck did you do to your hair?"

That was what one of my friends at work said about my new hair cut on Sunday. lol. He followed that up with "you're not going gay on us are you?". If only he knew...and i almost said "why yes i am". But all i did was give a cryptic "maybe" followed by a good laugh. One of my other co-workers added in "switch teams now and you get a free toaster oven" to which i replied "throw in a decent espresso machine, and you've got a deal". If i had any balls at all, i would have come out to everyone in the room right then and there. Just not ready for that yet though. In any event, the "going gay" comment must mean that my haircut was an unqualified success! Go to a gay stylist, get a gay hair style. :D I'm going back to him for all my hair cuts from now on. There may be hope for me yet.

I have had several people i know ask me if i've lost weight. So, it would seem my self imposed regimen of torture is working to some small degree. I have been trying to walk at least a couple of miles every day. Last week, i walked six miles one day. But that is not having as big an effect as it once did. Time to ratchet things up a bit, maybe buy a new bike or something (my old bike is nice, but not very modern or comfortable...its about 12 years old now). On top of walking, i have been doing push ups and crunches every other day or so. That seems to be having some effect as well. Here again, i think i need to kick it up a notch and start with some weight training. Diet is the hardest part. I have been depriving myself of pizza, Coca-cola, and beer/liquor. I have also moved away from the lattes and onto Americanos. Far fewer calories than even a non-fat latte. And pretty damn good to boot. I am still a work in progress tho, and there is much work to be done before i am presentable.

Had a good talk with Jack last night at work. He admitted he was surprised by the fact i am gay. He is very accepting tho, and i am really glad i decided to tell him. He was on holiday last week, and said that he was wondering if i was just playing a joke on him while he was gone. lol. Apparently, i do a damn good job of acting straight. As it turns out, Jacks brother is gay. No wonder he took it so well when i told him. We talked about how his brothers coming out affected his family, and it unfolded about as i anticipate my coming out will affect mine. Not so good. He said his parents still love his brother, but don't accept or approve of his lifestyle. Jack's brothers partner isn't allowed in his parents home. It has forever altered the parent/son relationship. Jack and i also talked about my next moves, where i want to go from here. etc. I told Jack how frustrated i am about waiting so long to come out, and how badly i want to find a partner. I also told him about my crush on Eric. I am so grateful for Jack. I asked if he wanted to establish any boundaries for our discussions, because i didn't want to offend him or make him uncomfortable with any of my gay issues. He just said "do we need boundaries?". What an awesome guy.

I got a compliment on my new shoes from another guy i work with. Looks like my little changes are having some effect after all. Here again, still a work in progress. I desperately need some sleep. I have had only about eight hours of sleep or so since Friday morning (it's now Tuesday morning for me). Time to sign off, and close my burning eyes for a while. Laterz.

I am so weak!

As i have mentioned before, i work an odd schedule. My work week starts on Thursday afternoon at 4:00 and runs through about 5:30 Monday morning. I work evenings, days and mids all in one week. No wonder i can't sleep. The point of my rambling is that i see the people i work with more than anyone else in my life. On the mid shifts, we run a skeleton crew of just two people per area, and a supervisor for all of us (days by comparison have about 15 people and 3 supes per area). So my mid partner and i have a lot of time to talk about random shit through the course of our mid shifts since work is usually pretty slow.

My mid partner, Jack, is a really good guy. He is a family man, has a really cool wife and three great kids. He is pretty open minded and accepting of others. He has told me that his wife actually wants their son to be gay! lol. I laughed when he told me this simply because it made me wish my family were so accepting of gays that they would actually want a gay child. He told me that he doesn't care either way, just as long as his son grows up happy. Wow. I was on the verge of crying when he said that (yes, i am a crier...if something really moves me, i tend to tear up and cry like a girl...lol). In any event, i had decided that Jack would be the next person i came out to.

Once our work tapered off, we settled into some of our usual conversation about anything and everything (no topic is really off limits). I finally got up the nerve to say to him "I need to tell you something really important and need you to keep very quiet about it". He gave me a questioning look and said "OK". Just as i was about to launch into my spiel, the supervisor comes round the corner with some information we had been looking for earlier. We talked to the supe for about five minutes, and when he left, Jack asks me what i wanted to tell him. I said, "Oh...never mind. I'll tell you later". At this point, i went to get something to drink and to kick myself in the ass for being such a weak minded chicken shit for not being able to tell him! Arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! FFS. I just lost my nerve. Good god, if i keep this up i will spend the rest of my life alone.

In other news, not seeing Eric as much as i used to is having the opposite effect of what i had hoped. Instead of following the rules for "out of sight, out of mind", me not seeing Eric seems to be following "absence makes the heart grow fonder". In the two weeks since he's moved days off, i have only seen him once. But i have been thinking about him more than ever. It doesn't take much to bring him to the front of my mind. I am dreaming about him more too. I had a wonderful dream about him this morning. I don't remember much of it, but we end up kissing. When i wake up, i can still feel his perfect lips against mine. I feel almost euphoric until i fully awake and realize it was just a dream. At that point i want to crawl under a rock and die.

I have been sticking to my "exercise and diet" plan better than expected. I have been walking at least an hour a day for three of the last four days. I still drink soda, but have been drinking diet instead of regular. I have even been ordering my lattes from Starbucks "non-fat". They taste like shit. I guess its better than going cold turkey, but this lack of flavor is horrible. I have also been really keeping an eye on what i eat. Meaning, not much of anything i really like is being eaten. Ugh. I don't feel any better, or look any better, so who knows if this will actually do me any good. All i know is that i want a pizza and a Coke. Followed by a half-rack of non-lite beer. My taste buds are organizing a revolution. LOL.

I mentioned i had been trying some of those dating sites, and that only one person ever bothered to respond to my emails. Well, after his initial response, we began emailing back and forth daily, sometimes two or three times a day for almost a month. It seemed as if we had heaps in common, but enough differences to keep the conversations interesting. I had finally worked up the courage to ask him to dinner, and to my amazement he said yes. We never did work out a date, as he was busy for a while there, but he promised to make time soon. It has now been two weeks since i have heard anything from him. I have sent a few emails just to say hi and keep up appearances, but not one word back from him. Needless to say, i am feeling more than a little let down by this. WTF? Maybe i'm more fucked up than i had thought. I mean, out of all the emails i sent, i get one response, and now he's not talking anymore either. Fuck.

Well, enough of my ranting for now. BTW, if you have linked me or follow me and i haven't returned the courtesy, please comment or send me an email and i'll take care of it as soon as i can. I try to keep up with that, but i miss things on occasion. I bought a new camera a couple months ago. I have been playing with it, and have a few pics (no, not that sort of pic :p) i want to post here eventually, if i ever bother to figure out how. Bye for now.