"What the fuck did you do to your hair?"

That was what one of my friends at work said about my new hair cut on Sunday. lol. He followed that up with "you're not going gay on us are you?". If only he knew...and i almost said "why yes i am". But all i did was give a cryptic "maybe" followed by a good laugh. One of my other co-workers added in "switch teams now and you get a free toaster oven" to which i replied "throw in a decent espresso machine, and you've got a deal". If i had any balls at all, i would have come out to everyone in the room right then and there. Just not ready for that yet though. In any event, the "going gay" comment must mean that my haircut was an unqualified success! Go to a gay stylist, get a gay hair style. :D I'm going back to him for all my hair cuts from now on. There may be hope for me yet.

I have had several people i know ask me if i've lost weight. So, it would seem my self imposed regimen of torture is working to some small degree. I have been trying to walk at least a couple of miles every day. Last week, i walked six miles one day. But that is not having as big an effect as it once did. Time to ratchet things up a bit, maybe buy a new bike or something (my old bike is nice, but not very modern or comfortable...its about 12 years old now). On top of walking, i have been doing push ups and crunches every other day or so. That seems to be having some effect as well. Here again, i think i need to kick it up a notch and start with some weight training. Diet is the hardest part. I have been depriving myself of pizza, Coca-cola, and beer/liquor. I have also moved away from the lattes and onto Americanos. Far fewer calories than even a non-fat latte. And pretty damn good to boot. I am still a work in progress tho, and there is much work to be done before i am presentable.

Had a good talk with Jack last night at work. He admitted he was surprised by the fact i am gay. He is very accepting tho, and i am really glad i decided to tell him. He was on holiday last week, and said that he was wondering if i was just playing a joke on him while he was gone. lol. Apparently, i do a damn good job of acting straight. As it turns out, Jacks brother is gay. No wonder he took it so well when i told him. We talked about how his brothers coming out affected his family, and it unfolded about as i anticipate my coming out will affect mine. Not so good. He said his parents still love his brother, but don't accept or approve of his lifestyle. Jack's brothers partner isn't allowed in his parents home. It has forever altered the parent/son relationship. Jack and i also talked about my next moves, where i want to go from here. etc. I told Jack how frustrated i am about waiting so long to come out, and how badly i want to find a partner. I also told him about my crush on Eric. I am so grateful for Jack. I asked if he wanted to establish any boundaries for our discussions, because i didn't want to offend him or make him uncomfortable with any of my gay issues. He just said "do we need boundaries?". What an awesome guy.

I got a compliment on my new shoes from another guy i work with. Looks like my little changes are having some effect after all. Here again, still a work in progress. I desperately need some sleep. I have had only about eight hours of sleep or so since Friday morning (it's now Tuesday morning for me). Time to sign off, and close my burning eyes for a while. Laterz.

Into The Unknown

So, tomorrow after work I am going for a hair cut. The guy who will be doing the cutting is the son of one of the people I met at the PFLAG meeting last month. I haven't actually spoken to him yet, as he was out when I set up my appointment. I hope I don't surprise him too much when I tell him how I was referred to him. On top of getting a great new hair style (got to make myself as marketable as possible), I am hoping that he will agree to us getting together to talk sometime. From what his mom was saying about him, it would seem that we could benefit from each others conversation. It would be awesome to have another person to talk to in real life, who I can be myself with. By some coincidence, the salon he works at is in the same mall as the shoe store where the cutie shoe guy works.

After getting some good advice from Steevo, and talking to him more about it on MSN, he has got me almost convinced that I should go and talk to cute shoe guy some more. I am already nervous just thinking about talking to him, let alone asking him out to dinner. Now, where did I place my extra-extra large balls? I am pretty shy with new people in real life, and even talking to guys I am interested in makes me nervous. What makes the situation even more sensitive and nerve wracking for me is not knowing if he is gay or not. I am terrible at reading people and picking up on subtle hints. He would all but need a neon sign on his head reading "I'm gay" for me to figure it out. Like I said, he seemed kind of fem, and was nice from what I could tell. But simply because he is slightly fem and works in a shoe store doesn't mean he's gay. I could mis-read some signal and convince myself he's gay simply because I want to believe it. Then, if I actually work up the courage to ask him out, there is the potential I could find myself in a really embarrassing situation real fast. Not only could it be embarrassing, but if he turns out to be straight and not so gay friendly, he would have my name and address (I usually have to order stuff since they don't have much in my size). I know, I am being paranoid and making excuses not to take action. But the possibility does exist.

Steevo said it best, I need to do something. I have heaps of reasons for sitting on my ass and not doing something to improve my life. It's time I came up with reasons to take action. If I never take a chance, I will die alone, and that scares me. But what is an acceptable risk? Granted, he's fem and works at a shoe store, so my odds of success go up a little. But he's in his early to mid 20's. He may just think I'm some creepy old dude. Or, he might be gay and into guys my age. Ugh...I could go round and round on this forever and never reach any sort of logical conclusion. I'm open to any advice you, my friends, may have to offer. I want to talk to him, but my inner chicken shit is telling me to run away. What am I gonna do?