"Damn, we're in a tight spot..."

So, today begins another work week for me. I have really odd hours and days off. And i've just had the last week off, so going back to work will be even more unpleasant than usual. I like my job, but hate the hours i work. Anyway, that is all a bit off topic.

Work is really a really a bittersweet thing for me these days. Management are total pricks, who for the most part go out of their way to make our time spent at work as miserable and stressful as possible (we do have a few good supervisors though). On the bright side, i get a decent paycheck, i get to do something that i enjoy, and i get to see "Eric".

Eric has been working at my place of employment for about ten months now. At first, i didn't pay him much mind. Just one of many new faces that have been showing up in droves for the last couple of years. But about six months ago, something about him really grabbed my attention. I still have no idea what made me notice him every time he was around, but whatever it was sure did the trick.

I began to try to find out as much as i could about him without seeming to obvious. The last thing i wanted to do was draw attention to the fact i have a crush on a male co-worker. I find out his name, the area of town he lives in, what kind of car he drives, and that he lives with someone. But i can't find out who he lives with. Roommates? Family? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? And i can't find any clue as to his sexual orientation. This only serves to increase my curiosity and interest in him. And as time goes by, my crush on him intensifies.

One day, he sits down at my table during lunch because i was already sitting with a mutual friend. My heart rate increased. My palms got all sweaty. "Is it getting hot in here?" Just being near him and hearing his voice made me lock-up. I opened my mouth to say hello, and got nothing but a barely audible croak. I'm 32 ffs! I shouldn't be acting like this! I could feel my face flush as i get more and more flustered and embarrassed. Finally i give up, excuse myself and leave.

About a week later, same situation. Only this time it's worse. Eric and i reach for the same section of the new paper at the same time and our hands touch. Instantly i go into awkward, bumbling idiot mode, and when our eyes briefly meet i can again feel my face flush and turn the brightest shade of red you could possibly imagine. I'm pretty sure everyone in the room noticed this (but that could just be my imagination, but he certainly noticed). I again tried to speak, but to no avail. So, i excuse myself and leave. Again. Don't i feel the fool...

I finally get around to introducing myself to him and a few of the other new guys. We talked shop, and cars a little bit, and now knowing we have at least our jobs and a love of cars in common, i begin to feel a bit more at ease around him. But the more i learn about him, the more i like him. And not just his looks (although he is incredibly cute), but everything about him. His voice, his smile, his hair, his laugh, his personality, his sense of humor, his kind and quiet manner, and his eyes. My God, i could spend eternity looking into his eyes. He is constantly on my mind. He is in my dreams. I want only to be near him. Yeah, this is definitely more than just a crush. I think i'm falling in love with him.

Just a few minor problems. One, the obvious, i'm gay and neither Eric nor anyone else knows this (although after how i blushed and ran away from him when we first met, maybe he does suspect). Two, after getting to know him better, i find out he does in fact have a girlfriend. Three, i still have no idea if he's maybe bi-sexual or if he's straight, or even what his attitude is towards gays.

But none of this stops me from feeling what i do for him. I have never felt this way about anyone else, ever in my life. Sure, i've had crushes on guys before, and have worked and gone to school with guys i liked before. But nothing can even come close to the way i feel about Eric. The logical part of me says "Forget him, it's not gonna happen. Even if he is by some minor miracle bi-sexual, he's got a girlfriend, so just put him out of your mind and move on". But my heart tells logic to kindly be quiet, and logic listens.

I don't know how to forget him. It's impossible. We are in each others company all week long in some capacity or another. If i'm not in his physical presence, then i'm on the phone with him (work related calls, btw). And i don't know what's more frustrating; knowing that i need to forget him and put him out of my mind before i drive myself mad, or knowing that i can never tell him how deeply i feel about him and that he will never know just how profoundly he has effected me.

Time to at least attempt to get some sleep me thinks. I've been up all night and need to get up in just a few hours to go to work. Maybe the solution will come to me in a dream...

School Daze

Hi everyone. Once again, thank you all for the support, comments and love you have all shown me. It really means a lot. OK, enough sap. :p A few small things before i get on with the post. First, I want to encourage you to ask any questions you may have of me. My email address is listed below the 'about me' section on the right. Just sub a "@" for the"(at)" and you're golden. Second, a few people have asked about my name "Deadwing" and my display pic. The name is taken from the band Porcupine Tree and their album "Deadwing". The album strikes a chord with me, and so i "borrowed" the name. My display pic is also taken from a Porcupine Tree album. It is the cover art for their "Fear Of A Blank Planet" album. The photo is by Danish artist, filmmaker, and photographer Lasse Hoile. He's an incredibly creative guy, with some really 'out there' concepts and ideas.

On with the post...

As i mentioned in my first post, i had my first crush on a boy in first grade. His name was"James". Now, in first grade, i had no idea what those feelings were. I had no concept of homosexuality whatsoever. I just knew i felt differently towards James than i did other boys, or girls for that matter. James was in my class from Kindergarten through sixth grade, so i was around him a lot.

Into junior high, our class split up. We had different periods in the day, but James was still in my home room and in my PE (gym) class. What a shock when i found out we had to shower together after class! I was scared to death that i would become "aroused" in the shower, especially with James in there. Good God... By this time, i had pretty much figured out that i was gay, although i was till holding on to some delusion that i would eventually get married etc. But i now knew what it meant to be "gay". What a confusing mess i was in. I wasn't very popular in school, and James was. So, even though we had known each other for years in grade school and were friends, the social structure in junior high kind of drove a wedge between us. We still talked from time to time, but it wasn't like it used to be.

It was during this time that my feelings for James became more than just a simple crush. I had to be around him as much as i could. He was on my mind every waking moment. I would time my walks to class so that i would run into him in the halls. All the while, i had a million different thoughts running through my mind. "Am i the only boy who has these feelings towards other boys? What if someone finds out? What if James found out i liked him? Is there something wrong with me? There must be. What am i going to do? Who can i talk to about this? This isn't normal. I'm scared."

Being gay just wasn't something that was talked about, either at school or at home. There was no education on the subject. And in Sex Education, there was no mention of homosexuality at all. I learned of the concept of being gay from one of my peers who would make jokes about it. Nothing worse than being a "queer" or "fag". That only served to reinforce my suspicions that i was indeed alone in how i felt, and that i was in fact "sick" or otherwise abnormal. NO ONE can know about this. EVER!!! Deeper into the closet i go...

And in the closet i stayed. Eventually, during the middle of ninth grade, my mom sent me off to live with my dad. I was failing every subject, and was seriously depressed. I would talk to the school counsellor, but could never reveal what was really on my mind. So, James was gone from my daily life, but not forgotten. My new school, in a new town, in a new state was really no better. Still had to hide who i was, and still had no one to talk to about how i felt. As i went through high school, i still pretended to like girls around my friends, and found still more boys to crush on. But that's a story for another time...