Awesome.

Awesome is the only word i can think of to describe the Muse concert i attended last Friday. Even if viewed from a purely musical standpoint, the performance was awesome. Such incredible song writing and arranging skills, and spot on musicianship are rarely seen in artists these days. The songs inspire and make one move and think and emote. But it wasn't just great songs played well (although Muse have great songs and play them well). It was the show. Brilliant use of green lasers and multi-colored LED spotlights and other lighting combined with the stage set (three sky scraper platforms that descend into the stage). My seats weren't the best (even though i bought them pre-sale, the best i could get was second level at some odd angle to the stage...pre-sale is a crock of shit). Despite the less than great seats, the mix wasn't too bad and the volume of the PA was loud but not deafening or harsh. Muse opened with "Uprising", possibly one of their best songs ever and played a good mix of songs from albums old and new alike. The Silversun Pickups opened for Muse and were just amazing to see live too.

I missed the first song from the Silversun Pickups as traffic getting to the venue was as fucked as i'd ever seen Seattle traffic. It took a full half an hour to travel just two miles. Of course, asshole drivers zipping past the line of cars patiently waiting their turn to exit the freeway and going to the head of the line and stopping traffic until someone let them in didn't help matters any. One stupid asshole found out he was fucking with the wrong fag. The guy almost hit my car as he was trying to weasel his way in front of me just a couple car lengths from the end of the exit lane. I held my ground and he had to get behind me. He then had the balls to roll his window down and shout something to me about being a stupid fag, blah blah blah. Seeing as how traffic wasn't moving anyway, i took the opportunity to calmly put my car in park, get out and ask this prick just what the FUCK his problem was. I stated that if he wished to spend the next few weeks in a hospital bed recovering from untold injuries, that he should by all means continue his present course of action. If, however, he wanted to spend his weekend breathing unassisted and moving under his own power, that he should offer and immediate apology. I said all of this in a fairly calm and cool tone of voice. This obviously had an effect on him, as he was stammering out his apology giving excuses as to why he was acting like such a prick within half a second of me ending my little speech. I was back in my car and on my merry way and i didn't even hold up traffic. The idiot kept about five car lengths back even though we were only traveling at half a mile an hour. Eventually, some other cars merged from another lane and i didn't see him again. It felt good to put this prick in his place.

I met the boyfriends psycho Christian parents for the first time on Sunday. He invited me over (with their permission) for Easter dinner. His parents are really nice people, but they don't much like gays and aren't really thrilled that their son is gay. My bf was REALLY stressed about the whole thing because of how past boyfriends have been received by his parents. But, things went fairly well and he said that his parents actually like me, despite the fact i get gay with their son. Maybe it's because i'm not a bum and have real career unlike bf's past. The food was really great too. His dad is an exceptional cook. But i was a bit nervous after hearing horror stories about how things have gone with past bf's. But he seems to think things are OK with the parents this time. He also seems to think this is a huge step in our relationship as well, as he said he has only ever brought home guys he is really serious about. He sent me a text after i took him home to tell me just how much he loves me and that he loves me no matter what. That made me happy. He also said he misses me already, even though we had only been apart for about 45 minutes. I miss him too...

Sunday also marked five months that i have been seeing my bf. Wow. Has it really been five months?! We are practically an old married couple in terms of gay relationships. There has been some talk about moving in together in the not too distant future. I'm a little scared about that honestly. I'm happy about having him around all the time, but that's a huge step. And he's my first real boyfriend. So, first time having a live in boyfriend is spooky. I am scared about him being my first serious relationship too. I wonder if that concerns him? I wonder if he worries that i will get bored with him and want to try something new with someone else. I of course won't do that. I love him so much i don't have the words to express it. I am concerned too, because everyone always warns me about not going to crazy over the first guy i fall in love with, that first relationships never last. I think they're wrong and i would be perfectly happy with him for the rest of my life. I mean, anyone who knows just how fucked up i am and STILL loves me? He's deffo a keeper!

Well, this has been long winded enough. Time to sign off. I hope you all had a nice Easter.

Until next time...

All the news that is news.

Hi everyone. I haven't had much time for blogging lately, but have been reading what i can, when i can. So, just because i haven't been commenting much doesn't mean i'm not reading your blog. Now that summer is here, i have been outside taking bike rides a lot more frequently and taking walks, etc. OMG...there are well loads of fit guys out there running and biking, and such. Opportunities to purve abound. Maybe i should try getting into running next...all the really cute fit guys seem to run. I love their toned, muscular legs (showcased by their cute shorts) and their slim, fit torsos (showcased by nothing at all, if i'm really lucky). I love summer! Oh, and a huge thank you to all who have left a comment or sent an email regarding my last couple of posts. Your words of encouragement and advice, and just kind words in general mean the world to me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I head out to Wisconsin on 6 June to visit my pops, and will be gone until 14 June, so i won't be on MSN during that time. I know, i know...you are all heart broken and are now curled up in the fetal position, crying softly, wondering just how in the hell you will survive without having me to talk to for a week. That sounds pretty dramatic, but more than likely no one would have noticed my absence if i hadn't said anything...lol. Anyway, i can't find a messenger for my iPhone that works with all my contacts, so you are all shit out of luck...lol. :p I will try to post from my iPhone and keep you updated as to my progress and subsequent success/failure/breakdown.

So, in less than a week i will be out to my dad. I will probably be out to my brother as well. Oh, let's not forget my stepmother either. Holy shit. Am i really going to go through with this? Yeah, me thinks i will. I am pretty nervous about it all, but semi-confident things will work out better than i had originally thought. There is still a chance things will go horribly wrong, and whats left of my life will come crashing down around me. In which case, i will no doubt finally snap and either go ape shit and lead the police on a multi-state high speed chase followed by a spectacular crash, or i will breakdown and collapse into myself never to be seen again. Once my dad and brother know, it will then be time to tell my mom and sister. Both of them will be significantly more difficult to deal with. So much so, i don't even want to think about it now, or i may lose my nerve and not tell my dad. I really think it's time to move on. I think that my dad is ready to hear the truth. I still wonder if he suspects, and if so, for how long. I guess i will find out in a few days.

In other news, i came out to another co-worker on Saturday. Let's call her Beth. She is a new trainee in my area, and i was instructing her on Saturday. Adam and his student were training on the position next to the one i was training Beth on. Beth is a lesbian, by the way. Anyway, Adam was humming some song, and Beth started humming along to it as well. I'm like "wtf song are you two singing?". Beth says "hetero men can be so clueless sometimes". I laughed my ass off, and Adam just gave me some stupid smile and Beth was giving both of us a very quizzical look, but said nothing further. Later, i asked Adam what song it was, and he told me and said "i ought to take away your gay card for not knowing that" and laughed. At the end of the day, i was debriefing Beth about our training session, and said to her "by the way, you almost got me in some serious trouble with Adam before when i didn't know that song. He threatened to take away my gay card for that". She just stared at me and said "you are?". Yep, i am. So, we had a nice little chat and exchanged mobile numbers. One more ally.

Lastly, cute pizza guy... Well, i went back to see him twice last week, and both times he wasn't there. :( So, on Sunday before my overnight shift i decided to stop by for dinner and see if he was in. I made two laps around the place trying to see if i could see him. No luck, and finally the hostess asked if there was something i was looking for. Oops...made myself look suspicious. I just said i was looking for a friend who said he might be meeting me for dinner, and i didn't see him, so just seat me anywhere. So, after i've been seated and have ordered, guess who i see. Yep...my cutie. Damn. Well, he walked past my table, his back towards me (my back was to the wall as well). So, i got to purve for a moment before he turned the corner. :p A few minutes later, he is walking down the aisle directly towards me and i could swear he is looking me over. Maybe it's because he recognizes me from when we met the first time. Or who knows why...maybe he likes me? Nah...couldn't be that. Now i am inventing things in order to give me a false confidence. Or i could just be seeing things and he wasn't looking me over at all. But i'm almost certain he notices me before i notice him and catch his eye. I made eye contact with him, and he didn't look away. I am nervous as hell at this point, and all i can manage is to give him a little wave of my hand and a awkward smile and say "Hi. How is your night going?". He gives me a little smile back, and says his night is going alright. And then he is gone. That is all i managed to say to him. So, my guess is that if he is in fact gay, he probably knows that i am too, and that i'm interested in him. Why else would i make eye contact with some random employee and smile at him and say hi if i'm not interested? He walked past my table one other time, but my loudmouth waitress was barking up the wrong tree and trying to chat me up looking for a good tip. I'm thinking to myself "shut the fuck up and move along!". LOL. So when he walked past me that time, i could see him looking at me from the corner of my eye. IDK, maybe he's in tune and can tell i'm into him. Or maybe he's thinking "why is that creepo guy talking to me and making eyes at me?" Or maybe he really does actually like me too. Who knows. I can't help but feel like i'm setting myself up for a major disappointment. The odds are not in my favor at all. But, lady luck favors the bold. So, my plan is to go try and talk to him again tonight (Wednesday night). Is it too bold of me to first ask if he is working, and then ask to be seated in his section? That might raise some eyebrows, and suspicions. Or make me look like a creepo stalker. But, it would guarantee i get to talk to him a bit more than i have previously. If the hostess tells him i asked for him, he might be freaked out by that and not want to talk, or worse, just write me off as a nut job. Or it could make it even more obvious that i like him and he might be flattered. Ugh...too many variables. I hate not being in control of a situation. I have to find out one way or another though...if i let this go and never find out, i will be kicking myself in the ass for all time. I can't let opportunities pass me by anymore. One last thing about him. Yes, he is really cute (to me anyway), but my attraction to him runs deeper than that. I don't know him, or anything about him, but there is something there that draws me in. Something that makes me feel good in a way i can't describe. Maybe this time, i will finally have a bit of good luck. But, he will probably turn out to be straight... I'll keep you posted either way.

Laterz.

What's the point?

I have been doing a great deal of soul searching over the past few weeks, even more than usual. About coming out to my family, about living a long, painful lonely life and dying alone, about finding someone to love who will love me back, about the purpose of my existence, and back to being alone. I have had sleep issues for most of the last 15 years or so, and have been doing battle with depression for 20 years. The sleepless days and nights are caused by depression, and the depression is caused by being closeted, alone, and without purpose. So, i lay in bed staring at the ceiling, glancing at the clock, watching time slowly advance, and ponder my existence.

I was brought up in a Christian home. After my parents divorced, my mom was "born again" and would drag my sister, brother, and i to church every Sunday. It was shortly after this that i pretty much figured out that i'm gay. I was still trying to convince myself that i would marry a girl and have a family, etc for years after, but deep inside somewhere i knew that would never happen. I was a pretty lonely kid before then, so this only further served to deepen the loneliness i felt. I am pretty shy, and always have been, so making friends has never been an easy thing for me. But, that's ok, coz now i've got God on my side. He will help me to feel better, not so lonely. For years and years i prayed to God to ease my pain, help me find my way, help the loneliness to go away. Those prayers have still gone unanswered almost 20 years later. Eventually i came to realize that the reason my prayers were going unanswered is that no one is listening. I believe that something set the universe in motion, call it god for lack of a better term, but that "god" cares nothing for us humans. Just look at all the horrible things that happen in the world on a daily basis. How could a God who loves us and cares for us allow such things to go on? I'm not saying that god would micromanage and give someone the winning lottery numbers or strike dead the neighbors dog who keeps shitting on your yard. But on a much grander scale, look at the number of innocent children who die horrible painful deaths at the hands of some wretched disease, or some sick, perverted, child molesting rapist. No loving god would allow such things to go on. That is why i am convinced that religion is an invention of man, used as a tool to give their lives purpose, justify their existence.

So, what's the point of our lives? Why do we live only to die? I go to work everyday, and work hard. But why do i go to work? Food and shelter certainly, but i could have that if i were to quit my job and get on the government dole. No, i work hard so i can have a higher standard of life. But even that is seeming rather pointless these days. It comes full circle to being alone. I want to be able to share my life with someone, and make the work i do worth while again.

But finding someone to share my life with is an extremely difficult task. I know one other gay guy, and i have been trying to get together with him to talk for 9 months, and it hasn't happened. I can't even get together to talk, let alone go out someplace with him and mingle and meet people. The other person i am out to doesn't know any gay guys that he could introduce me to. I'm not talking about romance even, just a new friend to be able to talk and relate to. So, i try to meet people online. I send out message after message, introducing myself, not being a creepo, wanting only to talk make a new friend. But i get very few replies, and of those who do reply, they all flake out and sever contact after a few messages. So i still don't have any gay friends, no way of networking, and maybe finding a partner, someone to share my life with.

I have lost something like 45 pounds, but still have a long way to go. As i slowly lose weight and get in shape, i am still getting older and older. By the time i am finally presentable and marketable, i will be pushing 40. But even if i were in shape, i still have all my emotional baggage to deal with. I am guessing that even if i did find a boyfriend, i would manage to fuck things up with my insecurity, lack of confidence, and low self esteem. I have never had a reason to have any of these things, and still don't really, so they are all foreign concepts to me. Not something i can learn overnight. So once again, time marches on and i get older and the odds of me finding someone get slimmer.

I don't even know where i am going with any of this. I know that i am in love with a guy who will never love me back, and i can accept that, but i still have feelings for him. That hurts. Love is pain to me right now. I have a crush on another guy, who is gay, but for various reasons nothing will ever come of it and he will never find out how he makes me feel. Then there is my latest crush. I met him Monday night at my favorite pizza place. He is a server there. Now, my gaydar doesn't work for shit, but he was setting off alarms. I don't know for sure if he is gay or not, but i do know he is cute, and really very nice. He is younger than me, mid 20's i'd guess. So now what? One more guy for me to admire from afar, to dream about as i lay in bed alone? I don't know when he works even, so it's gonna be hard to go in and see him. Even if he is working, i may not get seated in his section. So, once again, i like a guy who i don't know for sure is gay, and who will be difficult to judge if he is being nice because it's his job, or if he's interested. He seems like a really sweet, nice guy. I am a horrible flirt, and i get really nervous talking to guys i like. But what do i have to offer him? He could get a much younger, better looking guy than me. I can't help but feel like i am setting myself up for failure by even entertaining the idea of asking him out.

My mind is drifting, i have a headache, and my eyes are burning. I need to lay down. Sorry for the random post. I doubt any of it makes any sense at all. I still can't find any purpose to my existence. Life seems to be one big monumental waste of time. I hope i'm wrong, but i really don't think i am.

WARNING:

This post is depressing as fuck. Read further at your own risk.

My dad and i are really close, and have been for as long as i can remember. I was his shadow when i was a little kid, and it really tore me apart when my parents got divorced and my dad moved away. Eventually, about seven years after my parents split, i went to live with my dad. That was when i was about 14, and by that time i had already pretty much figured out that i was gay. Granted, i lived in denial of that fact, and tried to convince myself i was bi, but i knew i liked boys and knew what it meant to be gay.

My point is, my dad is my best friend. Although i don't get to see him much (he lives 2000 miles away), we talk on the phone four or five times a week. That i'm gay is the only secret i have kept from my dad. For years and years, i have agonized over this. How will he react if i tell him? Will he still love me? Will our friendship be ruined?

On Sunday afternoon, i had a rather eye opening conversation with my dad. Somehow or another, the topic of the movie Top Gun came up. My dad mentions that he has heard that Kelly McGillis, "that hot blonde in Top Gun", has come out as being as lesbian after all these years. My dad said he heard that she said she has known since she was 12 or something. So, i try to tell him how i feel, with out being too detailed or anything, and relate to him my experience with out telling him that i am in fact gay. You know, how a lot of people who are gay have known since a very early age, how society and peer pressure can force people to stay in the closet, how that causes the person in the closet a lot of grief and unhappiness, stuff like that. My dad just grumbled something and said it with a real "oh, whatever" sort of attitude. Great...this isn't looking so good for me.

I changed the subject a little bit, and brought up gay marriage. I talked about how hung up people are with gays in general, and how gays should be entitled to the same rights as everyone else. He says something to the effect of "well, i have the right two not see to guys kissing on the street, and i ought to be able to kick their asses if i do". I was speechless for a moment, and so stunned that all i could muster was "i wouldn't go that far". OK, so the "kick their asses" comment was said half in jest, as my dad wouldn't really just kick someones ass without being provoked. But, i think he made it really clear that he in no way approves of gays. I would venture a guess that he still labors under the falsehood that being gay is a choice.

So, bottom line, if i come out to my dad, i loose my best friend. Period. It will destroy our relationship. Without my dad's love and friendship, i will have nothing left. My life will be void of anything of worth.

My dad knows about my depression. He is worried about me because of it. When we talk about it, he always asks me what i think may be causing it, and of course i can't tell him it stems from being closeted and being alone for so many years. Coming out would certainly explain many things and help him to understand why i have been depressed and unhappy since i was 15, maybe even earlier. But that explanation will come at a high cost.

I fucking HATE being gay. It has brought me nothing but sadness, pain, depression and endless torment of my soul. If there is an up side to being born gay, i have yet to find it. So here is the situation as i see it: i can either have the love and friendship of my dad and other family members, or i can come out and finally be able to be myself, and if i'm a really good boy, maybe i will find a boyfriend before i die. At least the way things are now, i have someone (my dad) who i know loves me and who i can talk to, etc. If i come out completely, there is still no guarantee i will find a boyfriend and true love. Given how shitty my luck has been in trying to get a date online, and that i can't tell who is gay and/or interested in me in the real world and that i haven't had a guy hit on me since my senior year of high school, i would guess that i'm heading towards an eternity of loneliness. So, even if i do win the gay lottery and find a guy who loves me and makes me happy, i am still never going to be whole. I can either have the love of my family (guaranteed) or i can have the love of a boyfriend (not guaranteed, or even likely), but not both. Here's the real kicker: i need to come out before i have a fucking meltdown. So, it's not a matter of if i will be disowned by my family, but a matter of when. The only real variable is if i will find a guy that not only do i love (i got one of those already, and that is a source of yet more anguish and longing), but will love me in return. Some fucking world we live in.

"Damn, we're in a tight spot..."

So, today begins another work week for me. I have really odd hours and days off. And i've just had the last week off, so going back to work will be even more unpleasant than usual. I like my job, but hate the hours i work. Anyway, that is all a bit off topic.

Work is really a really a bittersweet thing for me these days. Management are total pricks, who for the most part go out of their way to make our time spent at work as miserable and stressful as possible (we do have a few good supervisors though). On the bright side, i get a decent paycheck, i get to do something that i enjoy, and i get to see "Eric".

Eric has been working at my place of employment for about ten months now. At first, i didn't pay him much mind. Just one of many new faces that have been showing up in droves for the last couple of years. But about six months ago, something about him really grabbed my attention. I still have no idea what made me notice him every time he was around, but whatever it was sure did the trick.

I began to try to find out as much as i could about him without seeming to obvious. The last thing i wanted to do was draw attention to the fact i have a crush on a male co-worker. I find out his name, the area of town he lives in, what kind of car he drives, and that he lives with someone. But i can't find out who he lives with. Roommates? Family? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? And i can't find any clue as to his sexual orientation. This only serves to increase my curiosity and interest in him. And as time goes by, my crush on him intensifies.

One day, he sits down at my table during lunch because i was already sitting with a mutual friend. My heart rate increased. My palms got all sweaty. "Is it getting hot in here?" Just being near him and hearing his voice made me lock-up. I opened my mouth to say hello, and got nothing but a barely audible croak. I'm 32 ffs! I shouldn't be acting like this! I could feel my face flush as i get more and more flustered and embarrassed. Finally i give up, excuse myself and leave.

About a week later, same situation. Only this time it's worse. Eric and i reach for the same section of the new paper at the same time and our hands touch. Instantly i go into awkward, bumbling idiot mode, and when our eyes briefly meet i can again feel my face flush and turn the brightest shade of red you could possibly imagine. I'm pretty sure everyone in the room noticed this (but that could just be my imagination, but he certainly noticed). I again tried to speak, but to no avail. So, i excuse myself and leave. Again. Don't i feel the fool...

I finally get around to introducing myself to him and a few of the other new guys. We talked shop, and cars a little bit, and now knowing we have at least our jobs and a love of cars in common, i begin to feel a bit more at ease around him. But the more i learn about him, the more i like him. And not just his looks (although he is incredibly cute), but everything about him. His voice, his smile, his hair, his laugh, his personality, his sense of humor, his kind and quiet manner, and his eyes. My God, i could spend eternity looking into his eyes. He is constantly on my mind. He is in my dreams. I want only to be near him. Yeah, this is definitely more than just a crush. I think i'm falling in love with him.

Just a few minor problems. One, the obvious, i'm gay and neither Eric nor anyone else knows this (although after how i blushed and ran away from him when we first met, maybe he does suspect). Two, after getting to know him better, i find out he does in fact have a girlfriend. Three, i still have no idea if he's maybe bi-sexual or if he's straight, or even what his attitude is towards gays.

But none of this stops me from feeling what i do for him. I have never felt this way about anyone else, ever in my life. Sure, i've had crushes on guys before, and have worked and gone to school with guys i liked before. But nothing can even come close to the way i feel about Eric. The logical part of me says "Forget him, it's not gonna happen. Even if he is by some minor miracle bi-sexual, he's got a girlfriend, so just put him out of your mind and move on". But my heart tells logic to kindly be quiet, and logic listens.

I don't know how to forget him. It's impossible. We are in each others company all week long in some capacity or another. If i'm not in his physical presence, then i'm on the phone with him (work related calls, btw). And i don't know what's more frustrating; knowing that i need to forget him and put him out of my mind before i drive myself mad, or knowing that i can never tell him how deeply i feel about him and that he will never know just how profoundly he has effected me.

Time to at least attempt to get some sleep me thinks. I've been up all night and need to get up in just a few hours to go to work. Maybe the solution will come to me in a dream...