The beginning of the end?

I have taken those first few unsteady steps on a journey from which there is no return. I spoke with my dad yesterday for almost an hour when I should have been working. He is very concerned about me, as I have been noticeably more depressed than usual lately. He started asking me a lot of questions about what's been bothering me. I said I have a pretty good idea of what it is, but that I would rather not talk about it over the phone, that it's very hard for me to talk about. He continued to gently prod me for answers, and I said I want to talk about it but that the phone isn't the place to do it, that I'd rather discuss it face to face.

When I got home from work last night, I went online and booked a flight out to visit my pops in early June when I've got some leave from work. So, my dad knows something is up and now I have a ticket to go see him. At this point, I am pretty much committed to coming out to him in just a couple of weeks. Now that he knows that I am carrying a burden and that I know what that burden is he won't let me skate without talking to him about it.

This morning, I had a voicemail from my dad on my mobile. He was pretty upset about our conversation last night. He called to see how I was doing, and wanted to make sure I was ok. I felt really bad for making him worry so much. I called him back on my break before and had a fairly encouraging conversation with him. First off, I told him about my trip and he was extremely excited to hear I am coming for a visit. The topic then shifted back to me. He again said how worried he is about me and that he was thinking about me all day. He said he would do anything he could to help me. He said that the love between a father and son is unconditional and that there isn't anything that we can't overcome together. He said he only wants for me to be happy. That he misses hearing me laugh. I told him that I have done my best to carry this weight for a long time, but that it has become too great. He said that when I get into town, he and I can have a nice long talk and work things out. He again said that there is nothing that will make him love me any less and that there is nothing we can't overcome. God, I love my dad.

So, we will see what happens. I still have no idea what he suspects might be weighing on me. None of the things he was asking me about gave any clue as to what he thinks. In any event, I am still scared as hell about telling him, but I'm strangely at peace about it. Let's hope this is the beginning of the end for me having to live my life as someone I'm not.

Into The Unknown

So, tomorrow after work I am going for a hair cut. The guy who will be doing the cutting is the son of one of the people I met at the PFLAG meeting last month. I haven't actually spoken to him yet, as he was out when I set up my appointment. I hope I don't surprise him too much when I tell him how I was referred to him. On top of getting a great new hair style (got to make myself as marketable as possible), I am hoping that he will agree to us getting together to talk sometime. From what his mom was saying about him, it would seem that we could benefit from each others conversation. It would be awesome to have another person to talk to in real life, who I can be myself with. By some coincidence, the salon he works at is in the same mall as the shoe store where the cutie shoe guy works.

After getting some good advice from Steevo, and talking to him more about it on MSN, he has got me almost convinced that I should go and talk to cute shoe guy some more. I am already nervous just thinking about talking to him, let alone asking him out to dinner. Now, where did I place my extra-extra large balls? I am pretty shy with new people in real life, and even talking to guys I am interested in makes me nervous. What makes the situation even more sensitive and nerve wracking for me is not knowing if he is gay or not. I am terrible at reading people and picking up on subtle hints. He would all but need a neon sign on his head reading "I'm gay" for me to figure it out. Like I said, he seemed kind of fem, and was nice from what I could tell. But simply because he is slightly fem and works in a shoe store doesn't mean he's gay. I could mis-read some signal and convince myself he's gay simply because I want to believe it. Then, if I actually work up the courage to ask him out, there is the potential I could find myself in a really embarrassing situation real fast. Not only could it be embarrassing, but if he turns out to be straight and not so gay friendly, he would have my name and address (I usually have to order stuff since they don't have much in my size). I know, I am being paranoid and making excuses not to take action. But the possibility does exist.

Steevo said it best, I need to do something. I have heaps of reasons for sitting on my ass and not doing something to improve my life. It's time I came up with reasons to take action. If I never take a chance, I will die alone, and that scares me. But what is an acceptable risk? Granted, he's fem and works at a shoe store, so my odds of success go up a little. But he's in his early to mid 20's. He may just think I'm some creepy old dude. Or, he might be gay and into guys my age. Ugh...I could go round and round on this forever and never reach any sort of logical conclusion. I'm open to any advice you, my friends, may have to offer. I want to talk to him, but my inner chicken shit is telling me to run away. What am I gonna do?