I love Seattle. Especially during this time of year. The days are getting shorter and the temperature is falling. The sky turns gray, the wind kicks up, the rain starts to fall. I also love the rain. My sleepless nights are less troubling when accompanied by the sound of the rain falling on the roof and the wind whipping the rain drops against my bedroom window. It's about the only time i feel any peace anymore, and eventually i drift off to sleep where my thoughts are turned into dreams. Sometimes those dreams are sad, painful, even terrifying. But most of the time, those dreams are of a life contained only within my mind. When i awake, those dreams almost seem cruel. They offer a brief view of an alternate reality where pure bliss is the norm rather than the exception. A reality where all the love one has to give is met with equal amounts of love given in return. A reality rooted in happiness and joy and being truly content, rather than in strife and misery and pain. And then i wake up. For a moment, the bliss lingers. But it doesn't take long for reality to settle in. It takes every last ounce of strength i have to even pull myself out of bed some days. Some days i don't. Call in sick to work and pull the covers over my head and lay there. Turn off my mobile phone, leave the ringer off on the house phone, computers idle, shut out the world...
As of my last post, i had a date that went seemingly well with "A". I was so excited to see him again! Lucky for me, his trip out of town was canceled and i had a second date with him the tuesday following our first date. This date went even better than the first one did in my opinion. We spent the better part of ten hours together and were never short of anything to say to each other. We had some great conversations, told some funny stories, laughed, had some great times.
This date started much the way the last one did. I picked him up at his apartment (he doesn't have a car at the moment) and we went up to Seattle and had lunch. Some vegetarian Chinese place. It was actually pretty good, despite having no meat in it. The restaurant was close by Capitol Hill so we went and walked around for a while. We wound up stopping at a record store and buying a bunch of cd's and records (yes, the big vinyl ones...i love vinyl). We both love music and share a lot of similar musical interests. After record shopping, we stopped and got some frozen yogurt. We each ordered different things and wound up sharing our dishes of frozen treats. He would feed me a spoonful of his, and i'd feed him a spoonful of mine. Yeah, real cute stuff.
After that, it was off to the mall to catch a movie. We found the theater and finally decided to see Paranormal Activity. I like that kind of stuff, and was hoping to finally see a movie scary enough to make me piss my pants and give me nightmares for a year. We bought our tickets and had about 40 minutes to kill before the movie started. This gave us time to get a snack of pretzels, which were free with the purchase of our movie tickets. We also stopped and bought a soda to share in the movie, since it was about a quarter the price of the soda in the theater. What thrifty little shoppers we are. Anyway, i though the movie was good. It gave me a couple good starts, and was deffo creepy, but didn't leave me scared shitless as i'd hoped it would. "A" on the other hand was totally freaked out by it. I believe his exact word were "how the fuck can you be so calm after that?!". I guess i just don't scare easy.
After the movie, we stopped and bought some cookies to snack on and went back to his place to watch a concert DVD i had bought at the record store. We wound up laying on his bed and watching the concert. When the concert was over, he popped in another movie and we wound up cuddling a bit under the covers (fully clothed of course :P). That was so wonderful to feel the embrace of another human being. I rested my head on his chest, and his arm around me, my arm around him...i could have stayed like that forever. His scent was intoxicating. I can still feel his warmth on my face and hear his heart beat and the sound of his breathing in my ears. At one point, he moved his head towards mine and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. Not some wild, wet make out kiss. But a tender, innocent kiss. A bit later on, i leaned in on him and gave him a little kiss too.
It was too good to last, and after the movie ended, he was getting pretty tired since he worked that morning. It seems that i get a bit awkward when it comes to saying goodbye, especially after such a wonderful day. But awkwardness aside, we hugged and gave each other a mutual kiss goodnight and i was on my way home once again.
Now after that, i was feeling pretty good. Better in fact than i had felt in years. I was glowing. What started as something that was uncertain had turned into a feeling of pure elation. I went into this very open minded, not having any expectations. But it seemed that i was falling for him...hard. He was in my thoughts every moment i was awake and in my dreams. It was incredible. We texted each other on wednesday and thursday. On friday, i sent him a text to tell him how much i enjoyed one of the cd's he recommended to me. While i was in the shower and getting ready for work, he sent a response. "Is it OK if we are just friends?"
Well, FUCK! Instead of texting him back, i decided to just call him. We talked for almost an hour. He insists it is him, that he wouldn't be good in a relationship right now, that he's not ready to settle down just yet. He told me that we have more in common with each other than he has had in common with any other guy he's ever dated. But deep down, i can't help but feel that it was me who drove him away. That i said or did something to set off some sort of alarm in his mind that told him to get out while he still could. Whatever the case might actually be, he obviously doesn't feel anywhere near as strongly for me as i do for him. Once again i find myself feeling quite the fool for having such strong feelings for someone who doesn't return those feelings. For some strange reason, the fact that he doesn't care for me only makes me care even more for him. Seriously...what the FUCK?!
I'm tired and my head hurts...think i'll go lay down for a while...
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
thank you
Hi everyone. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who commented and emailed me about my last post. I have been really busy, so i haven't had the time to reply to each comment individually, but i will as soon as i can. I've also been falling behind on reading and commenting on others blogs as well. Sorry for slacking off here. I try to read what i can on my iPhone on my breaks at work, but commenting is kind of a pain. I'll try and catch up soon. I guess i have been pretty depressed and really stressing out over how i should proceed with coming out. I need to be myself, and try to find some happiness in life, but fear of the unknown is incredibly powerful... I don't want to ruin relationships with my family, the people who are closest to me. i don't want to be alone. I want to be honest, and really be myself. So much i need to do, and so little time remains. Once again, thanks to everyone who reads my little blog. Only one thing is certain...as Mirrorboy said, if i weren't gay and confused and frustrated, i never would have met all of you wonderful people.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
WARNING:
This post is depressing as fuck. Read further at your own risk.
My dad and i are really close, and have been for as long as i can remember. I was his shadow when i was a little kid, and it really tore me apart when my parents got divorced and my dad moved away. Eventually, about seven years after my parents split, i went to live with my dad. That was when i was about 14, and by that time i had already pretty much figured out that i was gay. Granted, i lived in denial of that fact, and tried to convince myself i was bi, but i knew i liked boys and knew what it meant to be gay.
My point is, my dad is my best friend. Although i don't get to see him much (he lives 2000 miles away), we talk on the phone four or five times a week. That i'm gay is the only secret i have kept from my dad. For years and years, i have agonized over this. How will he react if i tell him? Will he still love me? Will our friendship be ruined?
On Sunday afternoon, i had a rather eye opening conversation with my dad. Somehow or another, the topic of the movie Top Gun came up. My dad mentions that he has heard that Kelly McGillis, "that hot blonde in Top Gun", has come out as being as lesbian after all these years. My dad said he heard that she said she has known since she was 12 or something. So, i try to tell him how i feel, with out being too detailed or anything, and relate to him my experience with out telling him that i am in fact gay. You know, how a lot of people who are gay have known since a very early age, how society and peer pressure can force people to stay in the closet, how that causes the person in the closet a lot of grief and unhappiness, stuff like that. My dad just grumbled something and said it with a real "oh, whatever" sort of attitude. Great...this isn't looking so good for me.
I changed the subject a little bit, and brought up gay marriage. I talked about how hung up people are with gays in general, and how gays should be entitled to the same rights as everyone else. He says something to the effect of "well, i have the right two not see to guys kissing on the street, and i ought to be able to kick their asses if i do". I was speechless for a moment, and so stunned that all i could muster was "i wouldn't go that far". OK, so the "kick their asses" comment was said half in jest, as my dad wouldn't really just kick someones ass without being provoked. But, i think he made it really clear that he in no way approves of gays. I would venture a guess that he still labors under the falsehood that being gay is a choice.
So, bottom line, if i come out to my dad, i loose my best friend. Period. It will destroy our relationship. Without my dad's love and friendship, i will have nothing left. My life will be void of anything of worth.
My dad knows about my depression. He is worried about me because of it. When we talk about it, he always asks me what i think may be causing it, and of course i can't tell him it stems from being closeted and being alone for so many years. Coming out would certainly explain many things and help him to understand why i have been depressed and unhappy since i was 15, maybe even earlier. But that explanation will come at a high cost.
I fucking HATE being gay. It has brought me nothing but sadness, pain, depression and endless torment of my soul. If there is an up side to being born gay, i have yet to find it. So here is the situation as i see it: i can either have the love and friendship of my dad and other family members, or i can come out and finally be able to be myself, and if i'm a really good boy, maybe i will find a boyfriend before i die. At least the way things are now, i have someone (my dad) who i know loves me and who i can talk to, etc. If i come out completely, there is still no guarantee i will find a boyfriend and true love. Given how shitty my luck has been in trying to get a date online, and that i can't tell who is gay and/or interested in me in the real world and that i haven't had a guy hit on me since my senior year of high school, i would guess that i'm heading towards an eternity of loneliness. So, even if i do win the gay lottery and find a guy who loves me and makes me happy, i am still never going to be whole. I can either have the love of my family (guaranteed) or i can have the love of a boyfriend (not guaranteed, or even likely), but not both. Here's the real kicker: i need to come out before i have a fucking meltdown. So, it's not a matter of if i will be disowned by my family, but a matter of when. The only real variable is if i will find a guy that not only do i love (i got one of those already, and that is a source of yet more anguish and longing), but will love me in return. Some fucking world we live in.
My dad and i are really close, and have been for as long as i can remember. I was his shadow when i was a little kid, and it really tore me apart when my parents got divorced and my dad moved away. Eventually, about seven years after my parents split, i went to live with my dad. That was when i was about 14, and by that time i had already pretty much figured out that i was gay. Granted, i lived in denial of that fact, and tried to convince myself i was bi, but i knew i liked boys and knew what it meant to be gay.
My point is, my dad is my best friend. Although i don't get to see him much (he lives 2000 miles away), we talk on the phone four or five times a week. That i'm gay is the only secret i have kept from my dad. For years and years, i have agonized over this. How will he react if i tell him? Will he still love me? Will our friendship be ruined?
On Sunday afternoon, i had a rather eye opening conversation with my dad. Somehow or another, the topic of the movie Top Gun came up. My dad mentions that he has heard that Kelly McGillis, "that hot blonde in Top Gun", has come out as being as lesbian after all these years. My dad said he heard that she said she has known since she was 12 or something. So, i try to tell him how i feel, with out being too detailed or anything, and relate to him my experience with out telling him that i am in fact gay. You know, how a lot of people who are gay have known since a very early age, how society and peer pressure can force people to stay in the closet, how that causes the person in the closet a lot of grief and unhappiness, stuff like that. My dad just grumbled something and said it with a real "oh, whatever" sort of attitude. Great...this isn't looking so good for me.
I changed the subject a little bit, and brought up gay marriage. I talked about how hung up people are with gays in general, and how gays should be entitled to the same rights as everyone else. He says something to the effect of "well, i have the right two not see to guys kissing on the street, and i ought to be able to kick their asses if i do". I was speechless for a moment, and so stunned that all i could muster was "i wouldn't go that far". OK, so the "kick their asses" comment was said half in jest, as my dad wouldn't really just kick someones ass without being provoked. But, i think he made it really clear that he in no way approves of gays. I would venture a guess that he still labors under the falsehood that being gay is a choice.
So, bottom line, if i come out to my dad, i loose my best friend. Period. It will destroy our relationship. Without my dad's love and friendship, i will have nothing left. My life will be void of anything of worth.
My dad knows about my depression. He is worried about me because of it. When we talk about it, he always asks me what i think may be causing it, and of course i can't tell him it stems from being closeted and being alone for so many years. Coming out would certainly explain many things and help him to understand why i have been depressed and unhappy since i was 15, maybe even earlier. But that explanation will come at a high cost.
I fucking HATE being gay. It has brought me nothing but sadness, pain, depression and endless torment of my soul. If there is an up side to being born gay, i have yet to find it. So here is the situation as i see it: i can either have the love and friendship of my dad and other family members, or i can come out and finally be able to be myself, and if i'm a really good boy, maybe i will find a boyfriend before i die. At least the way things are now, i have someone (my dad) who i know loves me and who i can talk to, etc. If i come out completely, there is still no guarantee i will find a boyfriend and true love. Given how shitty my luck has been in trying to get a date online, and that i can't tell who is gay and/or interested in me in the real world and that i haven't had a guy hit on me since my senior year of high school, i would guess that i'm heading towards an eternity of loneliness. So, even if i do win the gay lottery and find a guy who loves me and makes me happy, i am still never going to be whole. I can either have the love of my family (guaranteed) or i can have the love of a boyfriend (not guaranteed, or even likely), but not both. Here's the real kicker: i need to come out before i have a fucking meltdown. So, it's not a matter of if i will be disowned by my family, but a matter of when. The only real variable is if i will find a guy that not only do i love (i got one of those already, and that is a source of yet more anguish and longing), but will love me in return. Some fucking world we live in.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Time for some new shoes?
My sister went home yesterday. Needless to say, she still doesn't know that i'm gay. After reading Torchy's comment on my last post, i got to thinking that i really don't know how my sister feels about gays. I was going to take the idea suggested by Torchy and make up some fictitious person at work who has come out to me, or talk about Adam getting hitched to his partner but the right opening in the convo never presented itself. Having my mom around all weekend didn't help me to bring this up either. In the end though, i have a feeling that i shouldn't tell her until i'm ready for my mom to know too.
This weekend, i got an email from a reader that really made me think . The email said that in her heart, my mom probably already knows that i'm gay. The writer of the email wondered what would hurt my mom more, that i'm gay or that i don't trust her enough to tell her. That really made me think. Could i be hurting her by keeping my secret from her? She knows i'm depressed and unhappy, and i'm sure that hurts her. What mother doesn't want her child to be happy? But does she know why i'm unhappy and depressed? If she really knew why i am so miserable, would she still want me to pursue happiness? I am still of the opinion that i would be disowned, but i could be wrong.
On a lighter note, i went out and bought a new pair of shoes on Saturday. I think i need another pair or two. The guy working at the shoe store is one of those guys who looks pretty average to the outside observer, but sets off alarms and bells in my heart and mind. He is really cute (to me anyway), slightly fem (i know, i'm stereotyping...sorry), and has some great tattoos. I don't remember the details of the tats (i was way to busy taking in his cute face and perfect tummy. :p), but he had ink on both of his arms. *sighs* I have not been able to get him out of my mind for even one second since seeing him Saturday afternoon. I see cute guys every time i go out it seems, but there is something about him that pushes all the right buttons, and ignites a fire inside of me. My gaydar doesn't work very well (if at all), but i got the feeling he may have been gay. No hard facts or proof, just a gut feeling. I really want to go back and talk to him some more, maybe put on my ultra huge ballz and ask him out. But i don't want to take a chance on asking him out not knowing for sure if he is gay. It would be odd finding excuses to go in and talk to him in any detail about anything, especially trying to find out if he is gay, since he is at work after all, and just how many pairs of shoes could i possibly need? LOL. I'm guessing just asking him if he is gay is out of the question, especially given the environment in which we would be talking. I'm a lousy flirt to begin with, and not knowing if he is gay or not makes it even more difficult. There is a good chance he'd think i'm a creepy old man for talking to him anyway, since he looks to be in his early to mid 20's. Just thinking about him makes me feel 10 years younger though. I'd really hate to let any opportunity pass me by, but my chances are slim to none even if he is gay i reckon. I guess he'll just wind up being another wank fantasy boy. This is really frustrating. Any advice you guys might have to offer would really be appreciated.
Not much else going on in my little world. It's still cold and rainy, i still have no boyfriend, and my laptop is full (only 500MB of free space remain on the hard drive). Guess i'll have to buy a portable hard drive and back it up, then delete all my files to make more room. I have been using my laptop as a back up for my music and pics and vids. Storing all of that on an external hard drive would work just as well i suppose. Either way, i need to do something. 500mb of free space is not conducive to downloading porn. :p As for the cold and rain and no boyfriend, maybe it's time i quit my job and go someplace else and start over.
I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I was busy with work and spending time with my sis, so i have a lot of catching up to do here in blogland. With any luck, the Easter weekend will have caused a slowdown and will make it easier for me to catch up. :) Laters.
This weekend, i got an email from a reader that really made me think . The email said that in her heart, my mom probably already knows that i'm gay. The writer of the email wondered what would hurt my mom more, that i'm gay or that i don't trust her enough to tell her. That really made me think. Could i be hurting her by keeping my secret from her? She knows i'm depressed and unhappy, and i'm sure that hurts her. What mother doesn't want her child to be happy? But does she know why i'm unhappy and depressed? If she really knew why i am so miserable, would she still want me to pursue happiness? I am still of the opinion that i would be disowned, but i could be wrong.
On a lighter note, i went out and bought a new pair of shoes on Saturday. I think i need another pair or two. The guy working at the shoe store is one of those guys who looks pretty average to the outside observer, but sets off alarms and bells in my heart and mind. He is really cute (to me anyway), slightly fem (i know, i'm stereotyping...sorry), and has some great tattoos. I don't remember the details of the tats (i was way to busy taking in his cute face and perfect tummy. :p), but he had ink on both of his arms. *sighs* I have not been able to get him out of my mind for even one second since seeing him Saturday afternoon. I see cute guys every time i go out it seems, but there is something about him that pushes all the right buttons, and ignites a fire inside of me. My gaydar doesn't work very well (if at all), but i got the feeling he may have been gay. No hard facts or proof, just a gut feeling. I really want to go back and talk to him some more, maybe put on my ultra huge ballz and ask him out. But i don't want to take a chance on asking him out not knowing for sure if he is gay. It would be odd finding excuses to go in and talk to him in any detail about anything, especially trying to find out if he is gay, since he is at work after all, and just how many pairs of shoes could i possibly need? LOL. I'm guessing just asking him if he is gay is out of the question, especially given the environment in which we would be talking. I'm a lousy flirt to begin with, and not knowing if he is gay or not makes it even more difficult. There is a good chance he'd think i'm a creepy old man for talking to him anyway, since he looks to be in his early to mid 20's. Just thinking about him makes me feel 10 years younger though. I'd really hate to let any opportunity pass me by, but my chances are slim to none even if he is gay i reckon. I guess he'll just wind up being another wank fantasy boy. This is really frustrating. Any advice you guys might have to offer would really be appreciated.
Not much else going on in my little world. It's still cold and rainy, i still have no boyfriend, and my laptop is full (only 500MB of free space remain on the hard drive). Guess i'll have to buy a portable hard drive and back it up, then delete all my files to make more room. I have been using my laptop as a back up for my music and pics and vids. Storing all of that on an external hard drive would work just as well i suppose. Either way, i need to do something. 500mb of free space is not conducive to downloading porn. :p As for the cold and rain and no boyfriend, maybe it's time i quit my job and go someplace else and start over.
I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I was busy with work and spending time with my sis, so i have a lot of catching up to do here in blogland. With any luck, the Easter weekend will have caused a slowdown and will make it easier for me to catch up. :) Laters.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Oh great.
So ends another work week. I have had about seven hours of sleep over the last four days. Needless to say, i'm a bit cranky. I am an insomniac. I am dead tired all the time, yet i can't sleep. My little brain just keeps spitting out random thoughts about all the things i've got going on in my life. There's been a lot on my mind lately, but for the last week or two, i've been feeling pretty optimistic. Things have been falling into place, and for the first time in a very long time, i have felt like i am making progress in my life. Sure, there's still heaps of shit to take care of, but at least i'm doing something about it. That's kind of gone away the last couple of days.
The buzz has worn off from coming out to my friend at work, and i've actually felt myself sliding back into my cocoon of depression and self loathing once again. It sucks. At first glance, my life would seem to be pretty good, and on a lot of levels i guess it is. I'm not in danger of losing my job or being laid off, i have a roof over my head and food on my table, and have more useless material shit than anyone needs. Although i'm making progress, my life is still a very lonely place. I don't think i will ever feel whole until i find a guy who will love me forever. But alas, my standards a probably a bit too high for being 32, out of shape, and having thinning hair. My prospects are very slim indeed. And the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, scares me more than anything. God, i feel old... Being terminally shy, and having a stack of self confidence and self esteem issues isn't helping me either.
I have been trying out a couple of these online dating site over the past few months. The conclusion i have reached about those is that they are all useless pieces of shit. I have sent out almost 70 messages to guys who seem interesting to me ranging in age from 18 to 35. Number of responses: one. One FFS!!! Wow!!!! I really feel good about myself now! I know i'm not porn star material here, but damn, i didn't think i was that bad. Or maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just that every single guy in the known universe is just an asshole. All i want is a guy who I find cute, who's got a good sense of humor, is caring, compassionate, smart, etc. I'm not asking for too much, am i?
The bottom line is time is running out for me. In three months, i'll be 33. I might as well be 63. With each passing day, i can feel more and more possible partners slip just beyond my reach. And when i think about all of the opportunities i have watched pass me by from the confines of my closet, it only serves to depress me further. What is wrong with me? Why have i stood idle by and watched all these possibilities, opportunities, and life in general just pass me by for all these years?
To top things off, Eric has changed days off. This really sucks, because now i never get to see him. It also sucks because we won't even be able to do things together outside work now. We were planning on going hiking and doing some bike riding together. Maybe this will be for the better, as not seeing him everyday will help me to get over him. At the same time, seeing him and spending time with him is one of the few things that actually made me happy, even though i knew there was no chance of us ever being more than just friends. I miss him already.
Time for a stiff drink and a couple of Tylenol PM's. That ought to put my ass to sleep. And when i wake up, maybe i'll find Eric in bed with me and discover that this confusing, frustrating mess i call a life has all been nothing more than a bad dream...
The buzz has worn off from coming out to my friend at work, and i've actually felt myself sliding back into my cocoon of depression and self loathing once again. It sucks. At first glance, my life would seem to be pretty good, and on a lot of levels i guess it is. I'm not in danger of losing my job or being laid off, i have a roof over my head and food on my table, and have more useless material shit than anyone needs. Although i'm making progress, my life is still a very lonely place. I don't think i will ever feel whole until i find a guy who will love me forever. But alas, my standards a probably a bit too high for being 32, out of shape, and having thinning hair. My prospects are very slim indeed. And the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, scares me more than anything. God, i feel old... Being terminally shy, and having a stack of self confidence and self esteem issues isn't helping me either.
I have been trying out a couple of these online dating site over the past few months. The conclusion i have reached about those is that they are all useless pieces of shit. I have sent out almost 70 messages to guys who seem interesting to me ranging in age from 18 to 35. Number of responses: one. One FFS!!! Wow!!!! I really feel good about myself now! I know i'm not porn star material here, but damn, i didn't think i was that bad. Or maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just that every single guy in the known universe is just an asshole. All i want is a guy who I find cute, who's got a good sense of humor, is caring, compassionate, smart, etc. I'm not asking for too much, am i?
The bottom line is time is running out for me. In three months, i'll be 33. I might as well be 63. With each passing day, i can feel more and more possible partners slip just beyond my reach. And when i think about all of the opportunities i have watched pass me by from the confines of my closet, it only serves to depress me further. What is wrong with me? Why have i stood idle by and watched all these possibilities, opportunities, and life in general just pass me by for all these years?
To top things off, Eric has changed days off. This really sucks, because now i never get to see him. It also sucks because we won't even be able to do things together outside work now. We were planning on going hiking and doing some bike riding together. Maybe this will be for the better, as not seeing him everyday will help me to get over him. At the same time, seeing him and spending time with him is one of the few things that actually made me happy, even though i knew there was no chance of us ever being more than just friends. I miss him already.
Time for a stiff drink and a couple of Tylenol PM's. That ought to put my ass to sleep. And when i wake up, maybe i'll find Eric in bed with me and discover that this confusing, frustrating mess i call a life has all been nothing more than a bad dream...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
