Drunk Slide

I love Seattle. Especially during this time of year. The days are getting shorter and the temperature is falling. The sky turns gray, the wind kicks up, the rain starts to fall. I also love the rain. My sleepless nights are less troubling when accompanied by the sound of the rain falling on the roof and the wind whipping the rain drops against my bedroom window. It's about the only time i feel any peace anymore, and eventually i drift off to sleep where my thoughts are turned into dreams. Sometimes those dreams are sad, painful, even terrifying. But most of the time, those dreams are of a life contained only within my mind. When i awake, those dreams almost seem cruel. They offer a brief view of an alternate reality where pure bliss is the norm rather than the exception. A reality where all the love one has to give is met with equal amounts of love given in return. A reality rooted in happiness and joy and being truly content, rather than in strife and misery and pain. And then i wake up. For a moment, the bliss lingers. But it doesn't take long for reality to settle in. It takes every last ounce of strength i have to even pull myself out of bed some days. Some days i don't. Call in sick to work and pull the covers over my head and lay there. Turn off my mobile phone, leave the ringer off on the house phone, computers idle, shut out the world...

As of my last post, i had a date that went seemingly well with "A". I was so excited to see him again! Lucky for me, his trip out of town was canceled and i had a second date with him the tuesday following our first date. This date went even better than the first one did in my opinion. We spent the better part of ten hours together and were never short of anything to say to each other. We had some great conversations, told some funny stories, laughed, had some great times.

This date started much the way the last one did. I picked him up at his apartment (he doesn't have a car at the moment) and we went up to Seattle and had lunch. Some vegetarian Chinese place. It was actually pretty good, despite having no meat in it. The restaurant was close by Capitol Hill so we went and walked around for a while. We wound up stopping at a record store and buying a bunch of cd's and records (yes, the big vinyl ones...i love vinyl). We both love music and share a lot of similar musical interests. After record shopping, we stopped and got some frozen yogurt. We each ordered different things and wound up sharing our dishes of frozen treats. He would feed me a spoonful of his, and i'd feed him a spoonful of mine. Yeah, real cute stuff.

After that, it was off to the mall to catch a movie. We found the theater and finally decided to see Paranormal Activity. I like that kind of stuff, and was hoping to finally see a movie scary enough to make me piss my pants and give me nightmares for a year. We bought our tickets and had about 40 minutes to kill before the movie started. This gave us time to get a snack of pretzels, which were free with the purchase of our movie tickets. We also stopped and bought a soda to share in the movie, since it was about a quarter the price of the soda in the theater. What thrifty little shoppers we are. Anyway, i though the movie was good. It gave me a couple good starts, and was deffo creepy, but didn't leave me scared shitless as i'd hoped it would. "A" on the other hand was totally freaked out by it. I believe his exact word were "how the fuck can you be so calm after that?!". I guess i just don't scare easy.

After the movie, we stopped and bought some cookies to snack on and went back to his place to watch a concert DVD i had bought at the record store. We wound up laying on his bed and watching the concert. When the concert was over, he popped in another movie and we wound up cuddling a bit under the covers (fully clothed of course :P). That was so wonderful to feel the embrace of another human being. I rested my head on his chest, and his arm around me, my arm around him...i could have stayed like that forever. His scent was intoxicating. I can still feel his warmth on my face and hear his heart beat and the sound of his breathing in my ears. At one point, he moved his head towards mine and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. Not some wild, wet make out kiss. But a tender, innocent kiss. A bit later on, i leaned in on him and gave him a little kiss too.

It was too good to last, and after the movie ended, he was getting pretty tired since he worked that morning. It seems that i get a bit awkward when it comes to saying goodbye, especially after such a wonderful day. But awkwardness aside, we hugged and gave each other a mutual kiss goodnight and i was on my way home once again.

Now after that, i was feeling pretty good. Better in fact than i had felt in years. I was glowing. What started as something that was uncertain had turned into a feeling of pure elation. I went into this very open minded, not having any expectations. But it seemed that i was falling for him...hard. He was in my thoughts every moment i was awake and in my dreams. It was incredible. We texted each other on wednesday and thursday. On friday, i sent him a text to tell him how much i enjoyed one of the cd's he recommended to me. While i was in the shower and getting ready for work, he sent a response. "Is it OK if we are just friends?"

Well, FUCK! Instead of texting him back, i decided to just call him. We talked for almost an hour. He insists it is him, that he wouldn't be good in a relationship right now, that he's not ready to settle down just yet. He told me that we have more in common with each other than he has had in common with any other guy he's ever dated. But deep down, i can't help but feel that it was me who drove him away. That i said or did something to set off some sort of alarm in his mind that told him to get out while he still could. Whatever the case might actually be, he obviously doesn't feel anywhere near as strongly for me as i do for him. Once again i find myself feeling quite the fool for having such strong feelings for someone who doesn't return those feelings. For some strange reason, the fact that he doesn't care for me only makes me care even more for him. Seriously...what the FUCK?!

I'm tired and my head hurts...think i'll go lay down for a while...

Oh great.

So ends another work week. I have had about seven hours of sleep over the last four days. Needless to say, i'm a bit cranky. I am an insomniac. I am dead tired all the time, yet i can't sleep. My little brain just keeps spitting out random thoughts about all the things i've got going on in my life. There's been a lot on my mind lately, but for the last week or two, i've been feeling pretty optimistic. Things have been falling into place, and for the first time in a very long time, i have felt like i am making progress in my life. Sure, there's still heaps of shit to take care of, but at least i'm doing something about it. That's kind of gone away the last couple of days.

The buzz has worn off from coming out to my friend at work, and i've actually felt myself sliding back into my cocoon of depression and self loathing once again. It sucks. At first glance, my life would seem to be pretty good, and on a lot of levels i guess it is. I'm not in danger of losing my job or being laid off, i have a roof over my head and food on my table, and have more useless material shit than anyone needs. Although i'm making progress, my life is still a very lonely place. I don't think i will ever feel whole until i find a guy who will love me forever. But alas, my standards a probably a bit too high for being 32, out of shape, and having thinning hair. My prospects are very slim indeed. And the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, scares me more than anything. God, i feel old... Being terminally shy, and having a stack of self confidence and self esteem issues isn't helping me either.

I have been trying out a couple of these online dating site over the past few months. The conclusion i have reached about those is that they are all useless pieces of shit. I have sent out almost 70 messages to guys who seem interesting to me ranging in age from 18 to 35. Number of responses: one. One FFS!!! Wow!!!! I really feel good about myself now! I know i'm not porn star material here, but damn, i didn't think i was that bad. Or maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just that every single guy in the known universe is just an asshole. All i want is a guy who I find cute, who's got a good sense of humor, is caring, compassionate, smart, etc. I'm not asking for too much, am i?

The bottom line is time is running out for me. In three months, i'll be 33. I might as well be 63. With each passing day, i can feel more and more possible partners slip just beyond my reach. And when i think about all of the opportunities i have watched pass me by from the confines of my closet, it only serves to depress me further. What is wrong with me? Why have i stood idle by and watched all these possibilities, opportunities, and life in general just pass me by for all these years?

To top things off, Eric has changed days off. This really sucks, because now i never get to see him. It also sucks because we won't even be able to do things together outside work now. We were planning on going hiking and doing some bike riding together. Maybe this will be for the better, as not seeing him everyday will help me to get over him. At the same time, seeing him and spending time with him is one of the few things that actually made me happy, even though i knew there was no chance of us ever being more than just friends. I miss him already.

Time for a stiff drink and a couple of Tylenol PM's. That ought to put my ass to sleep. And when i wake up, maybe i'll find Eric in bed with me and discover that this confusing, frustrating mess i call a life has all been nothing more than a bad dream...