On friday when i got to work, i ran into Eric as he was heading out the door to go home for the weekend. We got to talking and he actually stayed for about half an hour past the end of his shift just to talk to me. :) We wound up talking outside since the weather was actually nice that day. We just did a bit of catching up since we haven't seen each other in a while. Turns out he's off to Florida for a week of fun in the sun. Just the thought of him in any sort of swimwear makes me feel tingly. :p As we were talking, the sun was hitting his eyes and hair in just the right way. God, he is the most beautiful thing on this earth. I was positively glowing standing there talking to him. He makes me feel so happy and at peace. I had the strongest urge to grab him, pull him close and give him a kiss he would never forget. *sigh*
Anyway, as we were talking, the convo got round to my new car. Eric is as big a car nut as i am, and we frequently talk cars and such. About 2 months ago, i bought a 2009 Audi S5 (black on black). I love that car, and so does Eric. To quote him, "that is one sexy car". Indeed. :p So, when i first got the car, i gave Eric the grand tour, showed him all the bells and whistles, played the stereo for him, and gave him a short ride around the parking lot in it. Well, on friday as we were talking, he asked if my car was broken in yet and if i'd had any fun with it yet. I said yes it was broken in and yes, i have had some proper fun with it. He said "i would love to drive a car like that". I said, "you wanna take it for a spin?". He just looked at me and said "are you serious?". Now, understand, i am very picky about my car and i really don't like other people driving it at all. But, i saw a golden opportunity do a little bonding with Eric, and i took it.
Since i hadn't signed in yet, and he was off duty, we went for a short drive (normally we can't leave the facility when we are on duty). I took Eric over to my car, had him get in the drivers side and fire her up. He got the seat and mirrors all set up and we went out and had a bit of fun (driving that is :p). It was only a short trip, about 10 minutes, but Eric really enjoyed it. He had the silliest of grins on his face the entire time. I think i made his day, cos when we got back, he put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a little pat on the back and said "thanks man...that was awesome". That made my day. :D
Of course, all of this does nothing for me and trying to get over Eric. I grow more fond of him (if that is even possible) everyday. The way he makes me feel is indescribable. I suppose it is rather pathetic of me to feel this way about a guy i will only ever know as a friend, but i can't help it. I guess all i can do is hope that someday, my feelings for him will peak, and i will then start to regain my sanity. I just hope that i will be able to meet someone who not only makes me feel like Eric does, but will be able to return those feelings.
Showing posts with label eric. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eric. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
I am so weak!
As i have mentioned before, i work an odd schedule. My work week starts on Thursday afternoon at 4:00 and runs through about 5:30 Monday morning. I work evenings, days and mids all in one week. No wonder i can't sleep. The point of my rambling is that i see the people i work with more than anyone else in my life. On the mid shifts, we run a skeleton crew of just two people per area, and a supervisor for all of us (days by comparison have about 15 people and 3 supes per area). So my mid partner and i have a lot of time to talk about random shit through the course of our mid shifts since work is usually pretty slow.
My mid partner, Jack, is a really good guy. He is a family man, has a really cool wife and three great kids. He is pretty open minded and accepting of others. He has told me that his wife actually wants their son to be gay! lol. I laughed when he told me this simply because it made me wish my family were so accepting of gays that they would actually want a gay child. He told me that he doesn't care either way, just as long as his son grows up happy. Wow. I was on the verge of crying when he said that (yes, i am a crier...if something really moves me, i tend to tear up and cry like a girl...lol). In any event, i had decided that Jack would be the next person i came out to.
Once our work tapered off, we settled into some of our usual conversation about anything and everything (no topic is really off limits). I finally got up the nerve to say to him "I need to tell you something really important and need you to keep very quiet about it". He gave me a questioning look and said "OK". Just as i was about to launch into my spiel, the supervisor comes round the corner with some information we had been looking for earlier. We talked to the supe for about five minutes, and when he left, Jack asks me what i wanted to tell him. I said, "Oh...never mind. I'll tell you later". At this point, i went to get something to drink and to kick myself in the ass for being such a weak minded chicken shit for not being able to tell him! Arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! FFS. I just lost my nerve. Good god, if i keep this up i will spend the rest of my life alone.
In other news, not seeing Eric as much as i used to is having the opposite effect of what i had hoped. Instead of following the rules for "out of sight, out of mind", me not seeing Eric seems to be following "absence makes the heart grow fonder". In the two weeks since he's moved days off, i have only seen him once. But i have been thinking about him more than ever. It doesn't take much to bring him to the front of my mind. I am dreaming about him more too. I had a wonderful dream about him this morning. I don't remember much of it, but we end up kissing. When i wake up, i can still feel his perfect lips against mine. I feel almost euphoric until i fully awake and realize it was just a dream. At that point i want to crawl under a rock and die.
I have been sticking to my "exercise and diet" plan better than expected. I have been walking at least an hour a day for three of the last four days. I still drink soda, but have been drinking diet instead of regular. I have even been ordering my lattes from Starbucks "non-fat". They taste like shit. I guess its better than going cold turkey, but this lack of flavor is horrible. I have also been really keeping an eye on what i eat. Meaning, not much of anything i really like is being eaten. Ugh. I don't feel any better, or look any better, so who knows if this will actually do me any good. All i know is that i want a pizza and a Coke. Followed by a half-rack of non-lite beer. My taste buds are organizing a revolution. LOL.
I mentioned i had been trying some of those dating sites, and that only one person ever bothered to respond to my emails. Well, after his initial response, we began emailing back and forth daily, sometimes two or three times a day for almost a month. It seemed as if we had heaps in common, but enough differences to keep the conversations interesting. I had finally worked up the courage to ask him to dinner, and to my amazement he said yes. We never did work out a date, as he was busy for a while there, but he promised to make time soon. It has now been two weeks since i have heard anything from him. I have sent a few emails just to say hi and keep up appearances, but not one word back from him. Needless to say, i am feeling more than a little let down by this. WTF? Maybe i'm more fucked up than i had thought. I mean, out of all the emails i sent, i get one response, and now he's not talking anymore either. Fuck.
Well, enough of my ranting for now. BTW, if you have linked me or follow me and i haven't returned the courtesy, please comment or send me an email and i'll take care of it as soon as i can. I try to keep up with that, but i miss things on occasion. I bought a new camera a couple months ago. I have been playing with it, and have a few pics (no, not that sort of pic :p) i want to post here eventually, if i ever bother to figure out how. Bye for now.
My mid partner, Jack, is a really good guy. He is a family man, has a really cool wife and three great kids. He is pretty open minded and accepting of others. He has told me that his wife actually wants their son to be gay! lol. I laughed when he told me this simply because it made me wish my family were so accepting of gays that they would actually want a gay child. He told me that he doesn't care either way, just as long as his son grows up happy. Wow. I was on the verge of crying when he said that (yes, i am a crier...if something really moves me, i tend to tear up and cry like a girl...lol). In any event, i had decided that Jack would be the next person i came out to.
Once our work tapered off, we settled into some of our usual conversation about anything and everything (no topic is really off limits). I finally got up the nerve to say to him "I need to tell you something really important and need you to keep very quiet about it". He gave me a questioning look and said "OK". Just as i was about to launch into my spiel, the supervisor comes round the corner with some information we had been looking for earlier. We talked to the supe for about five minutes, and when he left, Jack asks me what i wanted to tell him. I said, "Oh...never mind. I'll tell you later". At this point, i went to get something to drink and to kick myself in the ass for being such a weak minded chicken shit for not being able to tell him! Arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! FFS. I just lost my nerve. Good god, if i keep this up i will spend the rest of my life alone.
In other news, not seeing Eric as much as i used to is having the opposite effect of what i had hoped. Instead of following the rules for "out of sight, out of mind", me not seeing Eric seems to be following "absence makes the heart grow fonder". In the two weeks since he's moved days off, i have only seen him once. But i have been thinking about him more than ever. It doesn't take much to bring him to the front of my mind. I am dreaming about him more too. I had a wonderful dream about him this morning. I don't remember much of it, but we end up kissing. When i wake up, i can still feel his perfect lips against mine. I feel almost euphoric until i fully awake and realize it was just a dream. At that point i want to crawl under a rock and die.
I have been sticking to my "exercise and diet" plan better than expected. I have been walking at least an hour a day for three of the last four days. I still drink soda, but have been drinking diet instead of regular. I have even been ordering my lattes from Starbucks "non-fat". They taste like shit. I guess its better than going cold turkey, but this lack of flavor is horrible. I have also been really keeping an eye on what i eat. Meaning, not much of anything i really like is being eaten. Ugh. I don't feel any better, or look any better, so who knows if this will actually do me any good. All i know is that i want a pizza and a Coke. Followed by a half-rack of non-lite beer. My taste buds are organizing a revolution. LOL.
I mentioned i had been trying some of those dating sites, and that only one person ever bothered to respond to my emails. Well, after his initial response, we began emailing back and forth daily, sometimes two or three times a day for almost a month. It seemed as if we had heaps in common, but enough differences to keep the conversations interesting. I had finally worked up the courage to ask him to dinner, and to my amazement he said yes. We never did work out a date, as he was busy for a while there, but he promised to make time soon. It has now been two weeks since i have heard anything from him. I have sent a few emails just to say hi and keep up appearances, but not one word back from him. Needless to say, i am feeling more than a little let down by this. WTF? Maybe i'm more fucked up than i had thought. I mean, out of all the emails i sent, i get one response, and now he's not talking anymore either. Fuck.
Well, enough of my ranting for now. BTW, if you have linked me or follow me and i haven't returned the courtesy, please comment or send me an email and i'll take care of it as soon as i can. I try to keep up with that, but i miss things on occasion. I bought a new camera a couple months ago. I have been playing with it, and have a few pics (no, not that sort of pic :p) i want to post here eventually, if i ever bother to figure out how. Bye for now.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Eric Shirtless!
Well, let's see if this works. I bought an iPhone yesterday and am playing with it at work. :) Maybe I will even be able to get this to post.
Anyway, I saw Eric on his way out as I was heading in to work. It made me think back a few months to an event that will be burned into my purved out mind forever. LOL
So I work one mid shift a week (aka graveyard shift). At about 5:00am, I went to the basement to talk to my union rep before I left work. Directly across from the union office is a small workout room. As I approach the door to the union office, my rep steps out and we wind up talking in the doorway to the workout room. Well, who is in there riding the stationary bike but Eric! I am trying to sneak a look without being too obvious. Yes, Eric looks hot in shorts. :p So as I am talking, Eric must be getting a bit warm, as he goes to take off his sweatshirt. When he does this, his t-shirt goes with it! OMG!!! I thought I was gonna pass out. lol. He is more perfect than I had even imagined. It's a good thing I was going home soon, cos I would have been walking around sporting wood the rest of the day. LOL
OK then, gotta go back to work. I hope you've enjoyed a glimpse into the purvy region of my warped little mind. :)
Anyway, I saw Eric on his way out as I was heading in to work. It made me think back a few months to an event that will be burned into my purved out mind forever. LOL
So I work one mid shift a week (aka graveyard shift). At about 5:00am, I went to the basement to talk to my union rep before I left work. Directly across from the union office is a small workout room. As I approach the door to the union office, my rep steps out and we wind up talking in the doorway to the workout room. Well, who is in there riding the stationary bike but Eric! I am trying to sneak a look without being too obvious. Yes, Eric looks hot in shorts. :p So as I am talking, Eric must be getting a bit warm, as he goes to take off his sweatshirt. When he does this, his t-shirt goes with it! OMG!!! I thought I was gonna pass out. lol. He is more perfect than I had even imagined. It's a good thing I was going home soon, cos I would have been walking around sporting wood the rest of the day. LOL
OK then, gotta go back to work. I hope you've enjoyed a glimpse into the purvy region of my warped little mind. :)
Monday, March 23, 2009
Oh great.
So ends another work week. I have had about seven hours of sleep over the last four days. Needless to say, i'm a bit cranky. I am an insomniac. I am dead tired all the time, yet i can't sleep. My little brain just keeps spitting out random thoughts about all the things i've got going on in my life. There's been a lot on my mind lately, but for the last week or two, i've been feeling pretty optimistic. Things have been falling into place, and for the first time in a very long time, i have felt like i am making progress in my life. Sure, there's still heaps of shit to take care of, but at least i'm doing something about it. That's kind of gone away the last couple of days.
The buzz has worn off from coming out to my friend at work, and i've actually felt myself sliding back into my cocoon of depression and self loathing once again. It sucks. At first glance, my life would seem to be pretty good, and on a lot of levels i guess it is. I'm not in danger of losing my job or being laid off, i have a roof over my head and food on my table, and have more useless material shit than anyone needs. Although i'm making progress, my life is still a very lonely place. I don't think i will ever feel whole until i find a guy who will love me forever. But alas, my standards a probably a bit too high for being 32, out of shape, and having thinning hair. My prospects are very slim indeed. And the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, scares me more than anything. God, i feel old... Being terminally shy, and having a stack of self confidence and self esteem issues isn't helping me either.
I have been trying out a couple of these online dating site over the past few months. The conclusion i have reached about those is that they are all useless pieces of shit. I have sent out almost 70 messages to guys who seem interesting to me ranging in age from 18 to 35. Number of responses: one. One FFS!!! Wow!!!! I really feel good about myself now! I know i'm not porn star material here, but damn, i didn't think i was that bad. Or maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just that every single guy in the known universe is just an asshole. All i want is a guy who I find cute, who's got a good sense of humor, is caring, compassionate, smart, etc. I'm not asking for too much, am i?
The bottom line is time is running out for me. In three months, i'll be 33. I might as well be 63. With each passing day, i can feel more and more possible partners slip just beyond my reach. And when i think about all of the opportunities i have watched pass me by from the confines of my closet, it only serves to depress me further. What is wrong with me? Why have i stood idle by and watched all these possibilities, opportunities, and life in general just pass me by for all these years?
To top things off, Eric has changed days off. This really sucks, because now i never get to see him. It also sucks because we won't even be able to do things together outside work now. We were planning on going hiking and doing some bike riding together. Maybe this will be for the better, as not seeing him everyday will help me to get over him. At the same time, seeing him and spending time with him is one of the few things that actually made me happy, even though i knew there was no chance of us ever being more than just friends. I miss him already.
Time for a stiff drink and a couple of Tylenol PM's. That ought to put my ass to sleep. And when i wake up, maybe i'll find Eric in bed with me and discover that this confusing, frustrating mess i call a life has all been nothing more than a bad dream...
The buzz has worn off from coming out to my friend at work, and i've actually felt myself sliding back into my cocoon of depression and self loathing once again. It sucks. At first glance, my life would seem to be pretty good, and on a lot of levels i guess it is. I'm not in danger of losing my job or being laid off, i have a roof over my head and food on my table, and have more useless material shit than anyone needs. Although i'm making progress, my life is still a very lonely place. I don't think i will ever feel whole until i find a guy who will love me forever. But alas, my standards a probably a bit too high for being 32, out of shape, and having thinning hair. My prospects are very slim indeed. And the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, scares me more than anything. God, i feel old... Being terminally shy, and having a stack of self confidence and self esteem issues isn't helping me either.
I have been trying out a couple of these online dating site over the past few months. The conclusion i have reached about those is that they are all useless pieces of shit. I have sent out almost 70 messages to guys who seem interesting to me ranging in age from 18 to 35. Number of responses: one. One FFS!!! Wow!!!! I really feel good about myself now! I know i'm not porn star material here, but damn, i didn't think i was that bad. Or maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just that every single guy in the known universe is just an asshole. All i want is a guy who I find cute, who's got a good sense of humor, is caring, compassionate, smart, etc. I'm not asking for too much, am i?
The bottom line is time is running out for me. In three months, i'll be 33. I might as well be 63. With each passing day, i can feel more and more possible partners slip just beyond my reach. And when i think about all of the opportunities i have watched pass me by from the confines of my closet, it only serves to depress me further. What is wrong with me? Why have i stood idle by and watched all these possibilities, opportunities, and life in general just pass me by for all these years?
To top things off, Eric has changed days off. This really sucks, because now i never get to see him. It also sucks because we won't even be able to do things together outside work now. We were planning on going hiking and doing some bike riding together. Maybe this will be for the better, as not seeing him everyday will help me to get over him. At the same time, seeing him and spending time with him is one of the few things that actually made me happy, even though i knew there was no chance of us ever being more than just friends. I miss him already.
Time for a stiff drink and a couple of Tylenol PM's. That ought to put my ass to sleep. And when i wake up, maybe i'll find Eric in bed with me and discover that this confusing, frustrating mess i call a life has all been nothing more than a bad dream...
Thursday, March 19, 2009
"Damn, we're in a tight spot..."
So, today begins another work week for me. I have really odd hours and days off. And i've just had the last week off, so going back to work will be even more unpleasant than usual. I like my job, but hate the hours i work. Anyway, that is all a bit off topic.
Work is really a really a bittersweet thing for me these days. Management are total pricks, who for the most part go out of their way to make our time spent at work as miserable and stressful as possible (we do have a few good supervisors though). On the bright side, i get a decent paycheck, i get to do something that i enjoy, and i get to see "Eric".
Eric has been working at my place of employment for about ten months now. At first, i didn't pay him much mind. Just one of many new faces that have been showing up in droves for the last couple of years. But about six months ago, something about him really grabbed my attention. I still have no idea what made me notice him every time he was around, but whatever it was sure did the trick.
I began to try to find out as much as i could about him without seeming to obvious. The last thing i wanted to do was draw attention to the fact i have a crush on a male co-worker. I find out his name, the area of town he lives in, what kind of car he drives, and that he lives with someone. But i can't find out who he lives with. Roommates? Family? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? And i can't find any clue as to his sexual orientation. This only serves to increase my curiosity and interest in him. And as time goes by, my crush on him intensifies.
One day, he sits down at my table during lunch because i was already sitting with a mutual friend. My heart rate increased. My palms got all sweaty. "Is it getting hot in here?" Just being near him and hearing his voice made me lock-up. I opened my mouth to say hello, and got nothing but a barely audible croak. I'm 32 ffs! I shouldn't be acting like this! I could feel my face flush as i get more and more flustered and embarrassed. Finally i give up, excuse myself and leave.
About a week later, same situation. Only this time it's worse. Eric and i reach for the same section of the new paper at the same time and our hands touch. Instantly i go into awkward, bumbling idiot mode, and when our eyes briefly meet i can again feel my face flush and turn the brightest shade of red you could possibly imagine. I'm pretty sure everyone in the room noticed this (but that could just be my imagination, but he certainly noticed). I again tried to speak, but to no avail. So, i excuse myself and leave. Again. Don't i feel the fool...
I finally get around to introducing myself to him and a few of the other new guys. We talked shop, and cars a little bit, and now knowing we have at least our jobs and a love of cars in common, i begin to feel a bit more at ease around him. But the more i learn about him, the more i like him. And not just his looks (although he is incredibly cute), but everything about him. His voice, his smile, his hair, his laugh, his personality, his sense of humor, his kind and quiet manner, and his eyes. My God, i could spend eternity looking into his eyes. He is constantly on my mind. He is in my dreams. I want only to be near him. Yeah, this is definitely more than just a crush. I think i'm falling in love with him.
Just a few minor problems. One, the obvious, i'm gay and neither Eric nor anyone else knows this (although after how i blushed and ran away from him when we first met, maybe he does suspect). Two, after getting to know him better, i find out he does in fact have a girlfriend. Three, i still have no idea if he's maybe bi-sexual or if he's straight, or even what his attitude is towards gays.
But none of this stops me from feeling what i do for him. I have never felt this way about anyone else, ever in my life. Sure, i've had crushes on guys before, and have worked and gone to school with guys i liked before. But nothing can even come close to the way i feel about Eric. The logical part of me says "Forget him, it's not gonna happen. Even if he is by some minor miracle bi-sexual, he's got a girlfriend, so just put him out of your mind and move on". But my heart tells logic to kindly be quiet, and logic listens.
I don't know how to forget him. It's impossible. We are in each others company all week long in some capacity or another. If i'm not in his physical presence, then i'm on the phone with him (work related calls, btw). And i don't know what's more frustrating; knowing that i need to forget him and put him out of my mind before i drive myself mad, or knowing that i can never tell him how deeply i feel about him and that he will never know just how profoundly he has effected me.
Time to at least attempt to get some sleep me thinks. I've been up all night and need to get up in just a few hours to go to work. Maybe the solution will come to me in a dream...
Work is really a really a bittersweet thing for me these days. Management are total pricks, who for the most part go out of their way to make our time spent at work as miserable and stressful as possible (we do have a few good supervisors though). On the bright side, i get a decent paycheck, i get to do something that i enjoy, and i get to see "Eric".
Eric has been working at my place of employment for about ten months now. At first, i didn't pay him much mind. Just one of many new faces that have been showing up in droves for the last couple of years. But about six months ago, something about him really grabbed my attention. I still have no idea what made me notice him every time he was around, but whatever it was sure did the trick.
I began to try to find out as much as i could about him without seeming to obvious. The last thing i wanted to do was draw attention to the fact i have a crush on a male co-worker. I find out his name, the area of town he lives in, what kind of car he drives, and that he lives with someone. But i can't find out who he lives with. Roommates? Family? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? And i can't find any clue as to his sexual orientation. This only serves to increase my curiosity and interest in him. And as time goes by, my crush on him intensifies.
One day, he sits down at my table during lunch because i was already sitting with a mutual friend. My heart rate increased. My palms got all sweaty. "Is it getting hot in here?" Just being near him and hearing his voice made me lock-up. I opened my mouth to say hello, and got nothing but a barely audible croak. I'm 32 ffs! I shouldn't be acting like this! I could feel my face flush as i get more and more flustered and embarrassed. Finally i give up, excuse myself and leave.
About a week later, same situation. Only this time it's worse. Eric and i reach for the same section of the new paper at the same time and our hands touch. Instantly i go into awkward, bumbling idiot mode, and when our eyes briefly meet i can again feel my face flush and turn the brightest shade of red you could possibly imagine. I'm pretty sure everyone in the room noticed this (but that could just be my imagination, but he certainly noticed). I again tried to speak, but to no avail. So, i excuse myself and leave. Again. Don't i feel the fool...
I finally get around to introducing myself to him and a few of the other new guys. We talked shop, and cars a little bit, and now knowing we have at least our jobs and a love of cars in common, i begin to feel a bit more at ease around him. But the more i learn about him, the more i like him. And not just his looks (although he is incredibly cute), but everything about him. His voice, his smile, his hair, his laugh, his personality, his sense of humor, his kind and quiet manner, and his eyes. My God, i could spend eternity looking into his eyes. He is constantly on my mind. He is in my dreams. I want only to be near him. Yeah, this is definitely more than just a crush. I think i'm falling in love with him.
Just a few minor problems. One, the obvious, i'm gay and neither Eric nor anyone else knows this (although after how i blushed and ran away from him when we first met, maybe he does suspect). Two, after getting to know him better, i find out he does in fact have a girlfriend. Three, i still have no idea if he's maybe bi-sexual or if he's straight, or even what his attitude is towards gays.
But none of this stops me from feeling what i do for him. I have never felt this way about anyone else, ever in my life. Sure, i've had crushes on guys before, and have worked and gone to school with guys i liked before. But nothing can even come close to the way i feel about Eric. The logical part of me says "Forget him, it's not gonna happen. Even if he is by some minor miracle bi-sexual, he's got a girlfriend, so just put him out of your mind and move on". But my heart tells logic to kindly be quiet, and logic listens.
I don't know how to forget him. It's impossible. We are in each others company all week long in some capacity or another. If i'm not in his physical presence, then i'm on the phone with him (work related calls, btw). And i don't know what's more frustrating; knowing that i need to forget him and put him out of my mind before i drive myself mad, or knowing that i can never tell him how deeply i feel about him and that he will never know just how profoundly he has effected me.
Time to at least attempt to get some sleep me thinks. I've been up all night and need to get up in just a few hours to go to work. Maybe the solution will come to me in a dream...
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