Thank God I'm Gay.

Why is it that the people we depend upon the most in life when times get tough also are the ones who cause us the most stress and aggravation? Yes, i'm talking about family. My family are the most frustrating, maddening group of people you'd ever want to meet. I love them dearly, but some times they make me want to fucking KILL.

Mostly it's the female members of my family that bring these emotions to surface in me. Take my mother for example. Yes, she is my mom and i'm sure she loves me very much, as i do her. But she can be the most manipulative, and childish person i know. Tonight (or last night now i guess) she called to ask what i bought my boyfriend for Valentines Day, as i'd asked her what she thought about the gifts i was considering (i wound up buying him a rather pricey bottle of cologne and a gift card to the salon where he gets his hair done). After our brief convo about V-day gifts, my mom said that my sis had sent a package to my house for her and that it's scheduled to arrive tomorrow and would i please call her when it arrives. OK, sure, no problem. "Oh by the way", she says, "i didn't know if you knew or not but you are going in with your sis and dad and me in paying for your brothers honeymoon as his wedding gift." Excuse me? Did you just volunteer me to pay for one quarter of my brothers honeymoon?!?! Yes, i believe you did. "How much is that going to cost?" i ask. "Well", she says in a rather irritated tone of voice, "you don't have to if you don't want to but the rest of us are". Yes, she tries the guilt trip maneuver. I said that i'd consider it, because, well, why would i want to commit to paying for one quarter of something when i don't even know how much it will cost? Even though it's for my brother (who we will discuss later), why is it just assumed that i have bags of cash lying around to pay for OTHERS vacations ffs?

That settled, she comes around to asking if i can take her and my sister to the airport and pick them up when my sister takes my mom to Hawaii in a few months. I say, and i quote, "Sure, i guess". "Well, why wouldn't you want to?" she asks me. Well, for one, i have to get up early to take you there on my day off, two it's a fucking hour, hour and a quarter drive there, and an hour, hour and a quarter drive home times two, three it's my day off and i'm probably going to be out late the night before and running on very little sleep (yes, i know 1 and 3 are very similar). That's what i was thinking, what i said was "It's the airport.". It's at this point she gets all pissed off and says "Just forget it. Why do you have to make everything so difficult?" Well, excuse the fuck out of me! Sorry for not being all excited about having to piss away five hours of two separate days off. I didn't say that of course, but i just told her that even though it's not my idea of fun, i'd do it for her because she'd do it for me (except she's always traveling on someone elses dime and i am always getting to play taxi cab, while i ask for a ride maybe one time a year at most). But that's beside the point. Once again, she tries to make me feel guilty for not being thrilled at the prospect of sitting in traffic and jockeying for position at the departures terminal, as if i should be grateful for the opportunity. So suddenly, i'm the asshole for not being excited about having my weekend interrupted and spending hours in the car when i should be sleeping. Of course, i refuse to play her little mind fuck head game and bow down to her guilt trip, and this only serves to piss her off more. She finally just says "Just let me know when my package arrive, goodbye" and hangs up. Wow, she usually just hangs up. How childish.

Now comes act II. My sister sends me a text a few minute later asking me why i always have to give my mom such a hard time when she asks for a favor and asks just whats wrong with me. What the FUCK? My mom and my sister are thick as thieves. They are co-conspirators in making my life as difficult as possible. For example, last month my sis flew up to visit my mom after her surgery (that i had to take her to the hospital for after working all night on 1 hour of sleep and stay up for 36 fucking hours to take care of her afterward). So, the original plan was that my mom and sis would come to my house and get to meet my boyfriend and i'd cook dinner or my bf would cook for us. Cool, we can eat and drink and maybe play a game or something and they get to know "E" better. Well, the day before all this is supposed to take place, my mom calls and says my sis just wants to go out to eat. Well, why? I thought we had this all planned out. She gets all defensive and pissed off and once again i'm the asshole. Guess what? My sis sends a text and asks what the big deal is (See whats happening? The first thing my mom does is call my sister and tell her what an asshole i'm being. Nice, eh?). Whatever...do what you want. So instead of a fun family night, it's an hour at a fairly crap restaurant with mediocre food. But i'm the asshole.

After a couple more texts with my sis last night, i try and call my mom and ask what time her flights are so i can plan ahead. She doesn't answer the line. I try her mobile, no answer. I know it's on because it rings before going to voice mail instead of going right to voice mail if it were off. She's ignoring me. How typical and childish. I try her home phone again and leave a message. I then try calling my sister and the the same results. Fucking women.

My brother and i were really close when we were kids. I am the oldest and he is the youngest child. Naturally, it fell upon me to be the man of the house after my parents got divorced. I was helping support my family with my paper route money when i was 12, making sure my bro and sis were fed and walked to school and being cared for when my mom was working. My sis has always been fairly independent, but my bro, being the youngest, has always been pampered and coddled. This carries on until this day. He has been getting financial support from my mom, and to a lesser extent, me, from the time he graduated high school and moved out of my dad's house on his own and went to college. Well, he started and stopped college so many times, i lost count, even though he did earn his degree at the age of 27. Not criticizing mind you, just making some points about his nature. He doesn't care about money. He lives simple. Small apartment, few material things, etc. But he is very irresponsible with the money he does have. I still get calls from debt collectors looking for him. So, yes, i guess i was an enabler, but he's my little brother...how could i let him hang out to dry?

I guess my point is this: I am very responsible. I'm the one who gets things done, takes care of business, never slacking for even one moment. I pay my bills, i paid my way through college and got a good job and have more stuff than i can use. But i earned it. I never had anything given to me. My brother on the other hand, has always had everything handed to him on a silver fucking platter. So, why is it that i should work hard and bust my balls working a high stress job so i can pay for my brother to take a fucking honeymoon vacation? Shouldn't people be buying me a vacation for all i've done and for all my hard work?

Please don't misunderstand, i love being able to help my family. There just seems to be a slight inequity in how things are being distributed. I continue to work hard and carry the burden of responsibility, while others reap the benefit of my hard work.

That may sound like some serious whining, but goddamn, it burns my ass. I have been burdened with taking care of my kid sis and bro from an early age. I didn't have much of a childhood because of that and i missed out on a lot. They never had to worry about that. Their lives went on. And while we were very poor when we were kids, things were largely normal for my sis and bro because of my mom's hard work and dedication and because of mine. So, i sacrificed my childhood for them and i still get shit all these years later as an adult? Doesn't seem fair to me. Yeah, i know, life isn't fair. But i'm goddamn sick and fucking tired of being responsible. I want to try and regain what i lost as a kid. I want to quit my job, go on a drug bender and stay stoned for the rest of my life and sit on a beach and drink highly alcoholic but fruity tasting beverages. I won't, because responsibility is ingrained in me. Which makes my internal struggle all that much more difficult. Despite all i have, i'm sick of being me. I want to be the one who gets taken care of and doesn't have to worry about anything. I want to be the one to call upon others to bail me out when i fuck up. I want to sleep until four in the afternoon, smoke a bowl and play my guitar instead of getting up at four in the morning to go to work and being able to have only one drink when i get home because i might get random drug and alcohol screened at work. FUCK BEING RESPONSIBLE.

It seems the only one in my family who doesn't drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy is my dad. We get along like peas and carrots. He's been my best friend since i was a wee lad. We haven't always agreed on everything, but we are always able to talk about our differences in opinion. After dealing with my mom's crap, it's no wonder he divorced her. And i hate to say it, but it's no wonder my sister still hasn't married. She's a mirror image of my mother. No wonder i turned out gay for fuck sakes!!!!!!!!! (For the record, i don't believe people can be made gay, but rather we are born gay.)

So, this isn't the post i had intended to make tonight. I was going to write about some other, more relevant things. Like how much has changed for me in the last year. About how i came out to the first person i knew in real life just about a year ago, and how my life has turn down a new and wonderful road in the months that have passed since then. But the crazy women in my life had to go and get me all spooled up. And the vodka is working its magic now. I also have a wonderful man waiting for me to keep him warm in bed. So, i guess i'll say goodnight. I will make that post soon. For now, i'll just say thank God i'm gay, lest i suffer the wrath of yet another insane woman in my life.

10001110101

Happy belated new year to all of you! I sincerely hope that all of you had a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year (the "holiday season" as it is now commonly referred to as). Regardless of what one believes, one can't argue that Christmas is rooted in the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. We have holidays for everything else these days, so why is it that people are so bent on taking the "Christ" out of Christmas? I would venture to say that 90% of the shops i frequented this year said "happy holidays" instead of merry Christmas. Even when i said "Merry Christmas" to a shop clerk i got a "happy holidays" in return the majority of the time. I asked several clerks about this behavior and some told me it was against company policy to say "merry Christmas" in order to avoid offending people. Seriously? Well, i tell you what offends me is an over abundance of political correctness. Sorry, but the day is still called Christmas. I work with the public in my job and am employed by a public agency. On Christmas Eve (a day Obama declared a holiday for the purposes of letting government employees go home early) i was counseled by a supervisor at work for saying "Merry Christmas" to my "customers". (Sorry for the vagueness of my work and employment descriptions, but it's necessary to retain my anonymity. Those of you who know what i do for a living will know what i'm talking about.) So, let me get this straight. Christmas is not only the name of the day, but is a Federal holiday, and is so important to people that the day before it should be declared a federal holiday but i'm not allowed to say Merry Christmas to people for fear of offending someone? BULLSHIT. I defied a direct order from a "superior" and kept right on saying "Merry Christmas", even while the supe was sitting next to me busting my balls for saying it (my "customers" are not in the room with me if you haven't gather that little nugget of info yet). He threatened to write me up for insubordination and i just laughed and said "go ahead, see how far that goes". What the fuck is wrong with people?!? He must be so miserable that he feels the need to snuff out even the smallest ember of kindness and human decency in order to try and make everyone else feel just as shitty as he does. I mean, i had to work Christmas and so did my "customers". So why not do what i can to be friendly and pass on a little kindness to people as unlucky as me that they should have to work on Christmas? Bottom line, all of this political correctness and being afraid of offending people has gotten out of hand. I have nothing but respect for whatever one chooses to believe or practice. But for fuck sake, LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My new year resolution number one is to be as politically INCORRECT as possible in 2010. Something i've said has offended you? TOUGH SHIT. Fucking deal with it. Fuck.

:END RANT:

Anywho... 2009 was one hell of a year. A lot happened. I met a lot of great people here online and i am grateful to each of you for your help and support and for your help in getting me to where i am today. And where is that exactly? For starters, i am OUT. I am an openly gay man and i can be myself and not have to worry about people finding me out for the first time in almost 20 years since i figured out i was gay. All the people who matter most to me are completely, and 100% accepting and supportive of me and do not judge me because of my sexuality. In fact, i have yet to have one bad reaction in a coming out scenario, although i am still waiting for my first one (and rather looking forward to telling whoever it may be to kindly fuck off, i don't need you anyway). I still have a lot of healing to do in terms of reconciling my past and coming to terms with the shit i put myself through by staying in the closet for so long. But i am making progress. Its a long road ahead, but when i look at where i was a year ago to where i am now, i can't believe my eyes. Its like i am a different man. I feel happiness for the first time in ages. I still have days where i am down in the dumps and feeling pretty low (and i imaging those days will come around from time to time for the rest of my life). But they are far fewer than they were in the past and less extreme in nature and easier to pull out of.

Perhaps most amazing of all, i have a wonderful boyfriend who i am deeply in love with and who loves me just as much. "E" is an incredible man who loves me for me, good and bad (and i can be a real asshole sometimes, so he must really love me to put up with that lolz). I love him for the person inside of him, for who he really is as well. But, i guess i must have been a really good boy because not only is he a sweet, smart, loving, caring (he brought leftover Christmas dinner from his families dinner to my house for me after i got off work on Christmas), wonderful man, he is also quite the good looker! I know, looks aren't everything, but they sure can't hurt. :P He's tall and slender and pretty much everything i could ever want in a man. Yeah, i got REAL lucky! And without going into too much detail, lets just say that i'm the more masculine of the two of us, if you catch my drift. Suffice to say, the sex is amazing.

That's all well and good, but more important, we celebrated our two month anniversary a few days ago. An eternity when measuring the duration of most gay relationships (hell, hetero relationships these days for that matter). Sure some of the newness and glow has dissipated, but i love him more than ever and we spend quite a lot of time together (fyi, our little trip to the ocean was simply incredible). So, here's to another two months, leading to years and decades of happiness.

Lastly, remember that little fender bender i was in back in late August? Yeah, the one where the stupid cunting whore drove her fucking TANK of an SUV into the rear-end of my car at 40 mph? Well, after three and a half months of waiting, my replacement Audi S5 has finally arrived. I am picking it up after work tomorrow. It is still costing me money, as the insurance only paid for the value of my totaled car, not replacement value, but will be well worth it.

Sorry for not posting more frequently, but i have been pretty busy as of late. I am on MSN once in a while, but its usually really late, and no one else is on. So, one of these days i will have to get on and do some catching up with all of you.

Until next time...