Thank God I'm Gay.

Why is it that the people we depend upon the most in life when times get tough also are the ones who cause us the most stress and aggravation? Yes, i'm talking about family. My family are the most frustrating, maddening group of people you'd ever want to meet. I love them dearly, but some times they make me want to fucking KILL.

Mostly it's the female members of my family that bring these emotions to surface in me. Take my mother for example. Yes, she is my mom and i'm sure she loves me very much, as i do her. But she can be the most manipulative, and childish person i know. Tonight (or last night now i guess) she called to ask what i bought my boyfriend for Valentines Day, as i'd asked her what she thought about the gifts i was considering (i wound up buying him a rather pricey bottle of cologne and a gift card to the salon where he gets his hair done). After our brief convo about V-day gifts, my mom said that my sis had sent a package to my house for her and that it's scheduled to arrive tomorrow and would i please call her when it arrives. OK, sure, no problem. "Oh by the way", she says, "i didn't know if you knew or not but you are going in with your sis and dad and me in paying for your brothers honeymoon as his wedding gift." Excuse me? Did you just volunteer me to pay for one quarter of my brothers honeymoon?!?! Yes, i believe you did. "How much is that going to cost?" i ask. "Well", she says in a rather irritated tone of voice, "you don't have to if you don't want to but the rest of us are". Yes, she tries the guilt trip maneuver. I said that i'd consider it, because, well, why would i want to commit to paying for one quarter of something when i don't even know how much it will cost? Even though it's for my brother (who we will discuss later), why is it just assumed that i have bags of cash lying around to pay for OTHERS vacations ffs?

That settled, she comes around to asking if i can take her and my sister to the airport and pick them up when my sister takes my mom to Hawaii in a few months. I say, and i quote, "Sure, i guess". "Well, why wouldn't you want to?" she asks me. Well, for one, i have to get up early to take you there on my day off, two it's a fucking hour, hour and a quarter drive there, and an hour, hour and a quarter drive home times two, three it's my day off and i'm probably going to be out late the night before and running on very little sleep (yes, i know 1 and 3 are very similar). That's what i was thinking, what i said was "It's the airport.". It's at this point she gets all pissed off and says "Just forget it. Why do you have to make everything so difficult?" Well, excuse the fuck out of me! Sorry for not being all excited about having to piss away five hours of two separate days off. I didn't say that of course, but i just told her that even though it's not my idea of fun, i'd do it for her because she'd do it for me (except she's always traveling on someone elses dime and i am always getting to play taxi cab, while i ask for a ride maybe one time a year at most). But that's beside the point. Once again, she tries to make me feel guilty for not being thrilled at the prospect of sitting in traffic and jockeying for position at the departures terminal, as if i should be grateful for the opportunity. So suddenly, i'm the asshole for not being excited about having my weekend interrupted and spending hours in the car when i should be sleeping. Of course, i refuse to play her little mind fuck head game and bow down to her guilt trip, and this only serves to piss her off more. She finally just says "Just let me know when my package arrive, goodbye" and hangs up. Wow, she usually just hangs up. How childish.

Now comes act II. My sister sends me a text a few minute later asking me why i always have to give my mom such a hard time when she asks for a favor and asks just whats wrong with me. What the FUCK? My mom and my sister are thick as thieves. They are co-conspirators in making my life as difficult as possible. For example, last month my sis flew up to visit my mom after her surgery (that i had to take her to the hospital for after working all night on 1 hour of sleep and stay up for 36 fucking hours to take care of her afterward). So, the original plan was that my mom and sis would come to my house and get to meet my boyfriend and i'd cook dinner or my bf would cook for us. Cool, we can eat and drink and maybe play a game or something and they get to know "E" better. Well, the day before all this is supposed to take place, my mom calls and says my sis just wants to go out to eat. Well, why? I thought we had this all planned out. She gets all defensive and pissed off and once again i'm the asshole. Guess what? My sis sends a text and asks what the big deal is (See whats happening? The first thing my mom does is call my sister and tell her what an asshole i'm being. Nice, eh?). Whatever...do what you want. So instead of a fun family night, it's an hour at a fairly crap restaurant with mediocre food. But i'm the asshole.

After a couple more texts with my sis last night, i try and call my mom and ask what time her flights are so i can plan ahead. She doesn't answer the line. I try her mobile, no answer. I know it's on because it rings before going to voice mail instead of going right to voice mail if it were off. She's ignoring me. How typical and childish. I try her home phone again and leave a message. I then try calling my sister and the the same results. Fucking women.

My brother and i were really close when we were kids. I am the oldest and he is the youngest child. Naturally, it fell upon me to be the man of the house after my parents got divorced. I was helping support my family with my paper route money when i was 12, making sure my bro and sis were fed and walked to school and being cared for when my mom was working. My sis has always been fairly independent, but my bro, being the youngest, has always been pampered and coddled. This carries on until this day. He has been getting financial support from my mom, and to a lesser extent, me, from the time he graduated high school and moved out of my dad's house on his own and went to college. Well, he started and stopped college so many times, i lost count, even though he did earn his degree at the age of 27. Not criticizing mind you, just making some points about his nature. He doesn't care about money. He lives simple. Small apartment, few material things, etc. But he is very irresponsible with the money he does have. I still get calls from debt collectors looking for him. So, yes, i guess i was an enabler, but he's my little brother...how could i let him hang out to dry?

I guess my point is this: I am very responsible. I'm the one who gets things done, takes care of business, never slacking for even one moment. I pay my bills, i paid my way through college and got a good job and have more stuff than i can use. But i earned it. I never had anything given to me. My brother on the other hand, has always had everything handed to him on a silver fucking platter. So, why is it that i should work hard and bust my balls working a high stress job so i can pay for my brother to take a fucking honeymoon vacation? Shouldn't people be buying me a vacation for all i've done and for all my hard work?

Please don't misunderstand, i love being able to help my family. There just seems to be a slight inequity in how things are being distributed. I continue to work hard and carry the burden of responsibility, while others reap the benefit of my hard work.

That may sound like some serious whining, but goddamn, it burns my ass. I have been burdened with taking care of my kid sis and bro from an early age. I didn't have much of a childhood because of that and i missed out on a lot. They never had to worry about that. Their lives went on. And while we were very poor when we were kids, things were largely normal for my sis and bro because of my mom's hard work and dedication and because of mine. So, i sacrificed my childhood for them and i still get shit all these years later as an adult? Doesn't seem fair to me. Yeah, i know, life isn't fair. But i'm goddamn sick and fucking tired of being responsible. I want to try and regain what i lost as a kid. I want to quit my job, go on a drug bender and stay stoned for the rest of my life and sit on a beach and drink highly alcoholic but fruity tasting beverages. I won't, because responsibility is ingrained in me. Which makes my internal struggle all that much more difficult. Despite all i have, i'm sick of being me. I want to be the one who gets taken care of and doesn't have to worry about anything. I want to be the one to call upon others to bail me out when i fuck up. I want to sleep until four in the afternoon, smoke a bowl and play my guitar instead of getting up at four in the morning to go to work and being able to have only one drink when i get home because i might get random drug and alcohol screened at work. FUCK BEING RESPONSIBLE.

It seems the only one in my family who doesn't drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy is my dad. We get along like peas and carrots. He's been my best friend since i was a wee lad. We haven't always agreed on everything, but we are always able to talk about our differences in opinion. After dealing with my mom's crap, it's no wonder he divorced her. And i hate to say it, but it's no wonder my sister still hasn't married. She's a mirror image of my mother. No wonder i turned out gay for fuck sakes!!!!!!!!! (For the record, i don't believe people can be made gay, but rather we are born gay.)

So, this isn't the post i had intended to make tonight. I was going to write about some other, more relevant things. Like how much has changed for me in the last year. About how i came out to the first person i knew in real life just about a year ago, and how my life has turn down a new and wonderful road in the months that have passed since then. But the crazy women in my life had to go and get me all spooled up. And the vodka is working its magic now. I also have a wonderful man waiting for me to keep him warm in bed. So, i guess i'll say goodnight. I will make that post soon. For now, i'll just say thank God i'm gay, lest i suffer the wrath of yet another insane woman in my life.

Out.

It's been a week now since i cam out to my dad. I am still trying to process exactly how i feel. I certainly feel relieved that he is so accepting of me and loves me just as he did before. Same goes for my little brother. He was actually happy for me that i am coming out. He told me he was near tears when i told him. My dad and brother are 100% in my corner, and both of them have said they will do anything they can to support me and help me out in any way they can. That feeling is indescribable. Knowing that they are there for me no matter what is just so amazing. Unconditional love. I also told my step-mother (who would have found out from my dad eventually) and my brothers fiance. Both of them are also completely and unconditionally accepting. In the process of meeting my brothers co-workers (many of whom are very cute, single gay guys) and my future sister in-law's co-workers i am now out to more people than ever. I'm out!

So far, all of the family i have told are accepting and have said that they just want me to be happy. The more i talked to my dad and brother, the more i am convinced my sister will say the same thing...that she only wants to see me happy. I am going to call my favorite aunt (on my dads side of the family) and tell her this week sometime, and my sister will soon follow. The plan is to have my closest family in the know and in my corner so my mom will be the only one not being supportive and accepting should she freak out. That will make her look like the fool for not accepting me for who i am regardless of her crazy little religious beliefs. But you know, the more i think about it and the more people who know i'm gay and still love me, the less i care about how my mom will react. She is my mom, and i will love her always. But if she can't love and accept me for who i am when who i am is out of my control and was determined before i was born, or shortly thereafter, well it really is her loss. The fact that my dad and brother still love me and care proves that it will be her loss.

So, it's really very liberating being out. But it carries with it an unexpected side effect. All the regret i've been carrying about opportunities missed and my wasted, pissed away youth have been amplified now by knowing that i could have come out when i was 15 and still been loved. Knowing that i could have been out and proud and living life and having fun when i was 15 and through my high school years instead of hiding in the closet and being alone is agonizing. Knowing that i didn't have to miss out on having boyfriends and meaningful, loving relationships and everything else i missed out on through my 20's really weighs on me heavily. Before, it was merely a suspicion that my youth was a waste. Now it is a cold, hard fact. That i have caused myself so much pain and grief is almost unforgivable.

As a result, my social development, as far as relationships and dating goes, is stunted at age 15. That is extremely hard to deal with when turning 33 is only days away. Like Gauss Jordan said in his comment on my "Out to my Dad" post, my gay age is 16 ffs. Now, i know i'm not the only guy in my position, but that is of little comfort. I am doing things and experiencing things i should have been doing when i was in 10th grade ffs! I mean, it's hard enough for me to meet new friends, and especially trying to find a partner. There simply isn't the time or opportunity for the social encounters that were available to me in high school. So, for me to date people who are at the same level of social development as me, i would need to date high school guys. Now there's a sure fire way to land myself a nice felony record and a trip to jail.

Now that i am out, i am able to more freely be myself. It felt really strange talking to my dad and brother about Eric and CPB, and about how i should go about trying to meet a partner. My brother and i and his fiance went to Milwaukee's pride fest when i was out visiting them. Here again, to be able to freely express an interest in guy guy who caught my eye was very different to say the least. To say to my brother, "hey...now he is my type" and to talk to my future sis-in-law about which guys we liked was pretty wild. All of the thoughts and emotions i have been keeping bottled up are now out in the open and being talked about with people i love and care about. But again, it has an after effect. Now that i'm out, i have no excuse for being alone, where as before i could use the "in the closet" excuse. I know, i am only just starting to come out. But remember, i have lived my entire life alone and have never been in a relationship before, so the pressure i am putting on myself to find someone is intense. I have a lot of unfulfilled dreams and desires on that front going back almost 20 years and i need to start making up for it before i get any older. In case you are wondering, the thought of turning 33 is depressing as hell.

So, once again i fail at trying to get anywhere with CPB. I went there again tonight, since it's my first night back home (i hate being back too, btw) and it was a monday night when i first met him. So stands to reason he should be there on a monday, right? Well, no. He wasn't there. Again. I'm starting to believe it just isn't meant to be. Maybe i should just admit defeat and cut my losses and move on and forget about my sweet CPB. But i think that will be about as impossible as trying to forget about Eric has been for me. The harder i try to forget about them, more i think about them. The more i think about them, the more i want to be with them. Problem is, neither of them wants to be with me (well, to be fair, idk if CPB does or not, and if Eric does, ffs, please speak up and say so!!).

So, there ya go. One long, boring as hell post to help you sleep better. As far as i've come, i still have a long way to go. The amount of work and uncertainty that lay ahead of me is daunting. Although i feel much better this week than i did last week, loneliness is still an oppressive and continuous part of my life. But, progress is progress. One small step at a time.

Now for the hard part...

In some areas of my life, I am extremely fortunate. Today, I came out to my brother. Although a bit shocked and surprised, he is behind me all the way. He actually congratulated me on coming out. My little brother and I were really close as kids, and we each have held secrets for each other for many years. I had expected him to be the most accepting of all my family from the beginning, and he has lived up to my expectations. He said he would be there for me mo matter what. His unconditional acceptance of me is just awesome.

My dad and I had a few private moments today and were able to discuss things a little. He said that it is still soaking in that i'm gay, but he is totally supportive and will always be there for me no matter what. I told him that I told my brother and that it went well (as my dad expected). I told my dad how grateful I am for him and my brother. He said there is no need to be grateful, that he and my brother loved me unconditionally. He added that unconditional meant just that. They would love me mo matter what. I asked my dad about how he thought some of my other relatives would react. In particular, how my fav aunt (my dads sis) would react. She knows my dad has been worried about me a lot and actually asked my dad if he thought I might be gay. Winner winner chicken dinner. So following that, he said she would be completely cool with it. In fact, he said most of the relatives on his side of the family would likely be cool. So, my aunt will likely be next to know.

Now that the easy part is out of the way (ha ha), on to the really hard part...telling my mom and sister. My sis is hard to read. After talking to my bro, I get the feeling my sis would be ok after a while. She appearantly has some gay friends, and so is ok with gays. It just might take her a while to adjust to thinking of me as gay. However, she tells my mom everything and so I can't tell my sis until I'm ready for my mom to find out. My mom will freak out on me. Of that I'm convinced. She may still love me, but will never support me and will insist that I'm sick and need treatment. This is getting kinda hard now.

The other difficulty will me in finding a boyfriend. My bro insists that I have heaps going for me and that I will find some one to love who will love me. So, when I get home, winning CPB's (cute pizza boy's) heart will become my priority. I will gladly accept any help anyone can offer in that arena. I have zero experience with flirting and talking to guys I like.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the support you've given me and for your comments. Well, I'm exhausted and need sleep.

Laterz.

Complications

It would seem that my plan to come out at work first has hit a snag. I don't know why I didn't think of it before, but I work with three people who know and keep in touch with my sister. My sister and i have the same employer and we do the same job, just in different locations. The problem with this is that if I come out to everyone at work and not just a few trusted people, it won't be long before my sister finds out that I'm gay from one of her friends that I work with. After she finds out, it won't be long before my mom finds out (my sister tells my mom every thing).

I don't know how my sister will react, but my mom is already convinced that I'm going to he'll for not having God in my life. But at least as it is now, she still loves me and believes there is hope for me. If she found out I'm gay, she'd go off the deep end. Not only would I be going to hell, but I'd be disowned. My mom thinks being gay is both sickness and sin. All hope for me would be lost in her eyes. She would probably try to get me to seek treatment for my "illness", and when I refused our relationship would end. I don't have many people in my life who really love me. I don't know if I could handle the loss of even one right now.

On top of that, it would take the coming out process out of my control, and that is something I'm not prepared to let go of just yet. Once my mom found out it wouldn't be long before everyone knew. This is something I need to be in control of. But I need to come out. Being in the closet is slowly killing me. Maybe it would be for the better if I came out at work and let the situation spiral out of control. Then at least it would be done and over with and I could finally move on. How fucking frustrating.