What's the point?

I have been doing a great deal of soul searching over the past few weeks, even more than usual. About coming out to my family, about living a long, painful lonely life and dying alone, about finding someone to love who will love me back, about the purpose of my existence, and back to being alone. I have had sleep issues for most of the last 15 years or so, and have been doing battle with depression for 20 years. The sleepless days and nights are caused by depression, and the depression is caused by being closeted, alone, and without purpose. So, i lay in bed staring at the ceiling, glancing at the clock, watching time slowly advance, and ponder my existence.

I was brought up in a Christian home. After my parents divorced, my mom was "born again" and would drag my sister, brother, and i to church every Sunday. It was shortly after this that i pretty much figured out that i'm gay. I was still trying to convince myself that i would marry a girl and have a family, etc for years after, but deep inside somewhere i knew that would never happen. I was a pretty lonely kid before then, so this only further served to deepen the loneliness i felt. I am pretty shy, and always have been, so making friends has never been an easy thing for me. But, that's ok, coz now i've got God on my side. He will help me to feel better, not so lonely. For years and years i prayed to God to ease my pain, help me find my way, help the loneliness to go away. Those prayers have still gone unanswered almost 20 years later. Eventually i came to realize that the reason my prayers were going unanswered is that no one is listening. I believe that something set the universe in motion, call it god for lack of a better term, but that "god" cares nothing for us humans. Just look at all the horrible things that happen in the world on a daily basis. How could a God who loves us and cares for us allow such things to go on? I'm not saying that god would micromanage and give someone the winning lottery numbers or strike dead the neighbors dog who keeps shitting on your yard. But on a much grander scale, look at the number of innocent children who die horrible painful deaths at the hands of some wretched disease, or some sick, perverted, child molesting rapist. No loving god would allow such things to go on. That is why i am convinced that religion is an invention of man, used as a tool to give their lives purpose, justify their existence.

So, what's the point of our lives? Why do we live only to die? I go to work everyday, and work hard. But why do i go to work? Food and shelter certainly, but i could have that if i were to quit my job and get on the government dole. No, i work hard so i can have a higher standard of life. But even that is seeming rather pointless these days. It comes full circle to being alone. I want to be able to share my life with someone, and make the work i do worth while again.

But finding someone to share my life with is an extremely difficult task. I know one other gay guy, and i have been trying to get together with him to talk for 9 months, and it hasn't happened. I can't even get together to talk, let alone go out someplace with him and mingle and meet people. The other person i am out to doesn't know any gay guys that he could introduce me to. I'm not talking about romance even, just a new friend to be able to talk and relate to. So, i try to meet people online. I send out message after message, introducing myself, not being a creepo, wanting only to talk make a new friend. But i get very few replies, and of those who do reply, they all flake out and sever contact after a few messages. So i still don't have any gay friends, no way of networking, and maybe finding a partner, someone to share my life with.

I have lost something like 45 pounds, but still have a long way to go. As i slowly lose weight and get in shape, i am still getting older and older. By the time i am finally presentable and marketable, i will be pushing 40. But even if i were in shape, i still have all my emotional baggage to deal with. I am guessing that even if i did find a boyfriend, i would manage to fuck things up with my insecurity, lack of confidence, and low self esteem. I have never had a reason to have any of these things, and still don't really, so they are all foreign concepts to me. Not something i can learn overnight. So once again, time marches on and i get older and the odds of me finding someone get slimmer.

I don't even know where i am going with any of this. I know that i am in love with a guy who will never love me back, and i can accept that, but i still have feelings for him. That hurts. Love is pain to me right now. I have a crush on another guy, who is gay, but for various reasons nothing will ever come of it and he will never find out how he makes me feel. Then there is my latest crush. I met him Monday night at my favorite pizza place. He is a server there. Now, my gaydar doesn't work for shit, but he was setting off alarms. I don't know for sure if he is gay or not, but i do know he is cute, and really very nice. He is younger than me, mid 20's i'd guess. So now what? One more guy for me to admire from afar, to dream about as i lay in bed alone? I don't know when he works even, so it's gonna be hard to go in and see him. Even if he is working, i may not get seated in his section. So, once again, i like a guy who i don't know for sure is gay, and who will be difficult to judge if he is being nice because it's his job, or if he's interested. He seems like a really sweet, nice guy. I am a horrible flirt, and i get really nervous talking to guys i like. But what do i have to offer him? He could get a much younger, better looking guy than me. I can't help but feel like i am setting myself up for failure by even entertaining the idea of asking him out.

My mind is drifting, i have a headache, and my eyes are burning. I need to lay down. Sorry for the random post. I doubt any of it makes any sense at all. I still can't find any purpose to my existence. Life seems to be one big monumental waste of time. I hope i'm wrong, but i really don't think i am.

WARNING:

This post is depressing as fuck. Read further at your own risk.

My dad and i are really close, and have been for as long as i can remember. I was his shadow when i was a little kid, and it really tore me apart when my parents got divorced and my dad moved away. Eventually, about seven years after my parents split, i went to live with my dad. That was when i was about 14, and by that time i had already pretty much figured out that i was gay. Granted, i lived in denial of that fact, and tried to convince myself i was bi, but i knew i liked boys and knew what it meant to be gay.

My point is, my dad is my best friend. Although i don't get to see him much (he lives 2000 miles away), we talk on the phone four or five times a week. That i'm gay is the only secret i have kept from my dad. For years and years, i have agonized over this. How will he react if i tell him? Will he still love me? Will our friendship be ruined?

On Sunday afternoon, i had a rather eye opening conversation with my dad. Somehow or another, the topic of the movie Top Gun came up. My dad mentions that he has heard that Kelly McGillis, "that hot blonde in Top Gun", has come out as being as lesbian after all these years. My dad said he heard that she said she has known since she was 12 or something. So, i try to tell him how i feel, with out being too detailed or anything, and relate to him my experience with out telling him that i am in fact gay. You know, how a lot of people who are gay have known since a very early age, how society and peer pressure can force people to stay in the closet, how that causes the person in the closet a lot of grief and unhappiness, stuff like that. My dad just grumbled something and said it with a real "oh, whatever" sort of attitude. Great...this isn't looking so good for me.

I changed the subject a little bit, and brought up gay marriage. I talked about how hung up people are with gays in general, and how gays should be entitled to the same rights as everyone else. He says something to the effect of "well, i have the right two not see to guys kissing on the street, and i ought to be able to kick their asses if i do". I was speechless for a moment, and so stunned that all i could muster was "i wouldn't go that far". OK, so the "kick their asses" comment was said half in jest, as my dad wouldn't really just kick someones ass without being provoked. But, i think he made it really clear that he in no way approves of gays. I would venture a guess that he still labors under the falsehood that being gay is a choice.

So, bottom line, if i come out to my dad, i loose my best friend. Period. It will destroy our relationship. Without my dad's love and friendship, i will have nothing left. My life will be void of anything of worth.

My dad knows about my depression. He is worried about me because of it. When we talk about it, he always asks me what i think may be causing it, and of course i can't tell him it stems from being closeted and being alone for so many years. Coming out would certainly explain many things and help him to understand why i have been depressed and unhappy since i was 15, maybe even earlier. But that explanation will come at a high cost.

I fucking HATE being gay. It has brought me nothing but sadness, pain, depression and endless torment of my soul. If there is an up side to being born gay, i have yet to find it. So here is the situation as i see it: i can either have the love and friendship of my dad and other family members, or i can come out and finally be able to be myself, and if i'm a really good boy, maybe i will find a boyfriend before i die. At least the way things are now, i have someone (my dad) who i know loves me and who i can talk to, etc. If i come out completely, there is still no guarantee i will find a boyfriend and true love. Given how shitty my luck has been in trying to get a date online, and that i can't tell who is gay and/or interested in me in the real world and that i haven't had a guy hit on me since my senior year of high school, i would guess that i'm heading towards an eternity of loneliness. So, even if i do win the gay lottery and find a guy who loves me and makes me happy, i am still never going to be whole. I can either have the love of my family (guaranteed) or i can have the love of a boyfriend (not guaranteed, or even likely), but not both. Here's the real kicker: i need to come out before i have a fucking meltdown. So, it's not a matter of if i will be disowned by my family, but a matter of when. The only real variable is if i will find a guy that not only do i love (i got one of those already, and that is a source of yet more anguish and longing), but will love me in return. Some fucking world we live in.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair?"

That was what one of my friends at work said about my new hair cut on Sunday. lol. He followed that up with "you're not going gay on us are you?". If only he knew...and i almost said "why yes i am". But all i did was give a cryptic "maybe" followed by a good laugh. One of my other co-workers added in "switch teams now and you get a free toaster oven" to which i replied "throw in a decent espresso machine, and you've got a deal". If i had any balls at all, i would have come out to everyone in the room right then and there. Just not ready for that yet though. In any event, the "going gay" comment must mean that my haircut was an unqualified success! Go to a gay stylist, get a gay hair style. :D I'm going back to him for all my hair cuts from now on. There may be hope for me yet.

I have had several people i know ask me if i've lost weight. So, it would seem my self imposed regimen of torture is working to some small degree. I have been trying to walk at least a couple of miles every day. Last week, i walked six miles one day. But that is not having as big an effect as it once did. Time to ratchet things up a bit, maybe buy a new bike or something (my old bike is nice, but not very modern or comfortable...its about 12 years old now). On top of walking, i have been doing push ups and crunches every other day or so. That seems to be having some effect as well. Here again, i think i need to kick it up a notch and start with some weight training. Diet is the hardest part. I have been depriving myself of pizza, Coca-cola, and beer/liquor. I have also moved away from the lattes and onto Americanos. Far fewer calories than even a non-fat latte. And pretty damn good to boot. I am still a work in progress tho, and there is much work to be done before i am presentable.

Had a good talk with Jack last night at work. He admitted he was surprised by the fact i am gay. He is very accepting tho, and i am really glad i decided to tell him. He was on holiday last week, and said that he was wondering if i was just playing a joke on him while he was gone. lol. Apparently, i do a damn good job of acting straight. As it turns out, Jacks brother is gay. No wonder he took it so well when i told him. We talked about how his brothers coming out affected his family, and it unfolded about as i anticipate my coming out will affect mine. Not so good. He said his parents still love his brother, but don't accept or approve of his lifestyle. Jack's brothers partner isn't allowed in his parents home. It has forever altered the parent/son relationship. Jack and i also talked about my next moves, where i want to go from here. etc. I told Jack how frustrated i am about waiting so long to come out, and how badly i want to find a partner. I also told him about my crush on Eric. I am so grateful for Jack. I asked if he wanted to establish any boundaries for our discussions, because i didn't want to offend him or make him uncomfortable with any of my gay issues. He just said "do we need boundaries?". What an awesome guy.

I got a compliment on my new shoes from another guy i work with. Looks like my little changes are having some effect after all. Here again, still a work in progress. I desperately need some sleep. I have had only about eight hours of sleep or so since Friday morning (it's now Tuesday morning for me). Time to sign off, and close my burning eyes for a while. Laterz.

School Daze

Hi everyone. Once again, thank you all for the support, comments and love you have all shown me. It really means a lot. OK, enough sap. :p A few small things before i get on with the post. First, I want to encourage you to ask any questions you may have of me. My email address is listed below the 'about me' section on the right. Just sub a "@" for the"(at)" and you're golden. Second, a few people have asked about my name "Deadwing" and my display pic. The name is taken from the band Porcupine Tree and their album "Deadwing". The album strikes a chord with me, and so i "borrowed" the name. My display pic is also taken from a Porcupine Tree album. It is the cover art for their "Fear Of A Blank Planet" album. The photo is by Danish artist, filmmaker, and photographer Lasse Hoile. He's an incredibly creative guy, with some really 'out there' concepts and ideas.

On with the post...

As i mentioned in my first post, i had my first crush on a boy in first grade. His name was"James". Now, in first grade, i had no idea what those feelings were. I had no concept of homosexuality whatsoever. I just knew i felt differently towards James than i did other boys, or girls for that matter. James was in my class from Kindergarten through sixth grade, so i was around him a lot.

Into junior high, our class split up. We had different periods in the day, but James was still in my home room and in my PE (gym) class. What a shock when i found out we had to shower together after class! I was scared to death that i would become "aroused" in the shower, especially with James in there. Good God... By this time, i had pretty much figured out that i was gay, although i was till holding on to some delusion that i would eventually get married etc. But i now knew what it meant to be "gay". What a confusing mess i was in. I wasn't very popular in school, and James was. So, even though we had known each other for years in grade school and were friends, the social structure in junior high kind of drove a wedge between us. We still talked from time to time, but it wasn't like it used to be.

It was during this time that my feelings for James became more than just a simple crush. I had to be around him as much as i could. He was on my mind every waking moment. I would time my walks to class so that i would run into him in the halls. All the while, i had a million different thoughts running through my mind. "Am i the only boy who has these feelings towards other boys? What if someone finds out? What if James found out i liked him? Is there something wrong with me? There must be. What am i going to do? Who can i talk to about this? This isn't normal. I'm scared."

Being gay just wasn't something that was talked about, either at school or at home. There was no education on the subject. And in Sex Education, there was no mention of homosexuality at all. I learned of the concept of being gay from one of my peers who would make jokes about it. Nothing worse than being a "queer" or "fag". That only served to reinforce my suspicions that i was indeed alone in how i felt, and that i was in fact "sick" or otherwise abnormal. NO ONE can know about this. EVER!!! Deeper into the closet i go...

And in the closet i stayed. Eventually, during the middle of ninth grade, my mom sent me off to live with my dad. I was failing every subject, and was seriously depressed. I would talk to the school counsellor, but could never reveal what was really on my mind. So, James was gone from my daily life, but not forgotten. My new school, in a new town, in a new state was really no better. Still had to hide who i was, and still had no one to talk to about how i felt. As i went through high school, i still pretended to like girls around my friends, and found still more boys to crush on. But that's a story for another time...