Sunday, March 15, 2009

First Steps

First off, all I can say is "wow". I am really amazed by all of the comments I have received so far. A HUGE thank you to everyone. Now, on to business...

As Steevo mentioned, I attended my first PFLAG meeting last week. So, technically, I suppose I am sorta out, even if it is to complete strangers. For me though, there is still no one I know personally in real life who knows I'm gay.

Attending a PFLAG meeting was a big first step for me. Having hid my sexuality for so long, I was pretty nervous about attending the meeting and telling my story. Even as i began to speak, i was wondering if talking was such a good idea. But after my first sentence, it all just flowed out of me. The people at the meeting were mostly parents who had gay children. It was really comforting to be there with them, and know that even though we had just met, they accepted me for who i am. As i spoke with them and told them about my situation, about how my real family would condemn me for being gay, i began to feel some hope. Hope that things would work out OK after all these years of hiding in my closet. Hope that the majority of the people in my life would accept me for who i am.

As Kevin has said in a comment on my previous post, ones sexuality really is their business. I don't plan on putting an ad on TV telling people that i'm gay, or as he said, tell people i'm gay when i introduce myself. That said, i want to be open and honest with people. If someone asks me, i want to be able to answer with confidence and pride "yes, i am gay". As Kevin also said, there are people in my life who most likely suspect that i'm gay and don't have the balls to ask me. I mean, c'mon, i'm 32 and have never had a girlfriend. It's pretty simple to figure out. LOL. Maybe they figure it is my business, and that i wil tell them if i feel that they need to know. At the same time, i can't help but feel like i'm being sneaky, like i'm keeping the truth from them. I want to meet new people, and make new friends who i can be myself with (that is, actually have some gay friends). But i also want to be able to be myself with those i already know.

For me, coming out is about finally being able to be honest. Honest with my friends, both new and old, honest with my family (still a tough nut to crack), and most importantly honest with myself. I came to terms with being gay a long time ago. But i have never allowed that part of me to be seen. I hope by letting that part of me out, i will find some happiness and peace.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Try not to get too caught in being thought "sneaky". If people know you're gay and you're not out, likely the understand why. If they are willing to accept you, they are just waiting for the time when you trust them enough to say it.

Any anyway, CONGRATS! on the PFLAG meeting. Think, too, just how much being there is going to encourage those parents to accept their own children. You and I and others near our age might get to play catch up, but think how rewarding it is that you can influence another person so that someone else doesn't have to experience what we do.

Steevo said...

this is going swimingly dood

blogo boy

haha

s

D. said...

go at the rate with which you feel comfortable with. there is no pressure for you to come out - only when you are ready.

best of luck,
david

Seth said...

Well, welcome to blog-land. Mirrorboy mentioned you, so you can expect about a zillion people now to discover your blog. Which is a good thing!!

I'm Seth, aka Sethboy, aka Sethboyardee, not to be confused with my equally amazing but unrelated friend Sethboyman. Feel free to check out my blog too. sethboyardee.blogspot.com

Hmm. Just a quick first thought - take things in your own time at your own pace - don't feel pressured to come out all at once or anything. Great that you found PFLAG a good organization. Are there also any other gay/support/social groups in your area? Sometimes they offer good resources, "rap" or talk support groups, etc.

Anyway as others know I tend to ramble LOL so I will shut up now, but Welcome, and feel free to ask if you need any blogging advice.

Cheers
Sethboyardee

Randy said...

Being in the closet is lonely...

I always feel alone, except when I read peoples blogs that have gone and are going through the same emotions as I am...

I'm 23, gay, and not out to anyone....lol, I dont plan on coming out anytime soon, guess I'm destined for loneliness...

thanks for writing your thoughts tho, your courage is inspiring...

Lightning Baltimore said...

Coming out is essentially about being honest, even when/if it there's the risk of being condemned for it, for all of us.

@Randy: Don't consign yourself to loneliness and never coming out already! You never know what the future will bring. When I was your age, I knew I was gay but was in complete and utter denial and figured I'd die alone, and possibly in the not too distant future. When I finally accepted it and came out five years later, I was sooo much happier and now I've been in a great relationship with a wonderful man for 15+ years. Don't give up!

Rox said...

Coming out is the hard part, so I hear, everything should go smoothly from this point. :D

Cheers mate. ^__^

cvn70 said...

keith

i hope this works out for you as i have never been able to take the steps you are taking. i will watch and listen to yor experience as i am just not sure i can do what yo are embarking upon - good luck

take care and be safe

bob

Mirrorboy said...

You're making good progess buddy. :)

lovehugs.

Planetx_123 said...

I have nothing compelling to add...especially since I am talking to you on MSN right now. But I feel compelled to comment regardless! I am so glad you had a good experience! I'll take tips...

Much Love,
Steve

Deadwing said...

Thanks for all of your kind words. I realize i've still got a long way to go. But with your comments and support, it will be vastly more manageable than going it alone.

@Randy: I know exactly how you feel. I have been there before, and it is because of those feelings that i am doing what i am right now. I am so sick of feeling lonely, that it was either this, or some other less pleasant alternative. I second Mr.HCI's comments. Although i've yet to find that special guy, i now have hope that i will. Email me for my MSN if you want to talk.

Anonymous said...

Impressive!

Maybe I can follow in your footsteps soon. I need to, but I am so afraid.

torchy! said...

hey Deadwing, welcome to this corner of the blogosphere. i don't need to tell you you've arrived in the friendliest part of the planet.

i'm looking forward to learning more about you, and sending you good wishes :)

torchy!

Deadwing said...

@Anonymous: I'm still afraid. For me though, that fear is over shadowed by the lack of real happiness in my life. It's just time for me to finally get on with it. But you need to take things at your own pace. Come out when you are ready. That said, i wish i had done this a long time ago. Good luck!