Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Pictures
One of the advantages of being an insomniac is getting to see some really beautiful sunrises. As i mentioned in my last post, i bought a new camera a while back (a Nikon D90). Quite a step up from my little Canon PowerShot. The pics below were taken from my home office window. Enjoy!
Monday, March 30, 2009
I am so weak!
As i have mentioned before, i work an odd schedule. My work week starts on Thursday afternoon at 4:00 and runs through about 5:30 Monday morning. I work evenings, days and mids all in one week. No wonder i can't sleep. The point of my rambling is that i see the people i work with more than anyone else in my life. On the mid shifts, we run a skeleton crew of just two people per area, and a supervisor for all of us (days by comparison have about 15 people and 3 supes per area). So my mid partner and i have a lot of time to talk about random shit through the course of our mid shifts since work is usually pretty slow.
My mid partner, Jack, is a really good guy. He is a family man, has a really cool wife and three great kids. He is pretty open minded and accepting of others. He has told me that his wife actually wants their son to be gay! lol. I laughed when he told me this simply because it made me wish my family were so accepting of gays that they would actually want a gay child. He told me that he doesn't care either way, just as long as his son grows up happy. Wow. I was on the verge of crying when he said that (yes, i am a crier...if something really moves me, i tend to tear up and cry like a girl...lol). In any event, i had decided that Jack would be the next person i came out to.
Once our work tapered off, we settled into some of our usual conversation about anything and everything (no topic is really off limits). I finally got up the nerve to say to him "I need to tell you something really important and need you to keep very quiet about it". He gave me a questioning look and said "OK". Just as i was about to launch into my spiel, the supervisor comes round the corner with some information we had been looking for earlier. We talked to the supe for about five minutes, and when he left, Jack asks me what i wanted to tell him. I said, "Oh...never mind. I'll tell you later". At this point, i went to get something to drink and to kick myself in the ass for being such a weak minded chicken shit for not being able to tell him! Arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! FFS. I just lost my nerve. Good god, if i keep this up i will spend the rest of my life alone.
In other news, not seeing Eric as much as i used to is having the opposite effect of what i had hoped. Instead of following the rules for "out of sight, out of mind", me not seeing Eric seems to be following "absence makes the heart grow fonder". In the two weeks since he's moved days off, i have only seen him once. But i have been thinking about him more than ever. It doesn't take much to bring him to the front of my mind. I am dreaming about him more too. I had a wonderful dream about him this morning. I don't remember much of it, but we end up kissing. When i wake up, i can still feel his perfect lips against mine. I feel almost euphoric until i fully awake and realize it was just a dream. At that point i want to crawl under a rock and die.
I have been sticking to my "exercise and diet" plan better than expected. I have been walking at least an hour a day for three of the last four days. I still drink soda, but have been drinking diet instead of regular. I have even been ordering my lattes from Starbucks "non-fat". They taste like shit. I guess its better than going cold turkey, but this lack of flavor is horrible. I have also been really keeping an eye on what i eat. Meaning, not much of anything i really like is being eaten. Ugh. I don't feel any better, or look any better, so who knows if this will actually do me any good. All i know is that i want a pizza and a Coke. Followed by a half-rack of non-lite beer. My taste buds are organizing a revolution. LOL.
I mentioned i had been trying some of those dating sites, and that only one person ever bothered to respond to my emails. Well, after his initial response, we began emailing back and forth daily, sometimes two or three times a day for almost a month. It seemed as if we had heaps in common, but enough differences to keep the conversations interesting. I had finally worked up the courage to ask him to dinner, and to my amazement he said yes. We never did work out a date, as he was busy for a while there, but he promised to make time soon. It has now been two weeks since i have heard anything from him. I have sent a few emails just to say hi and keep up appearances, but not one word back from him. Needless to say, i am feeling more than a little let down by this. WTF? Maybe i'm more fucked up than i had thought. I mean, out of all the emails i sent, i get one response, and now he's not talking anymore either. Fuck.
Well, enough of my ranting for now. BTW, if you have linked me or follow me and i haven't returned the courtesy, please comment or send me an email and i'll take care of it as soon as i can. I try to keep up with that, but i miss things on occasion. I bought a new camera a couple months ago. I have been playing with it, and have a few pics (no, not that sort of pic :p) i want to post here eventually, if i ever bother to figure out how. Bye for now.
My mid partner, Jack, is a really good guy. He is a family man, has a really cool wife and three great kids. He is pretty open minded and accepting of others. He has told me that his wife actually wants their son to be gay! lol. I laughed when he told me this simply because it made me wish my family were so accepting of gays that they would actually want a gay child. He told me that he doesn't care either way, just as long as his son grows up happy. Wow. I was on the verge of crying when he said that (yes, i am a crier...if something really moves me, i tend to tear up and cry like a girl...lol). In any event, i had decided that Jack would be the next person i came out to.
Once our work tapered off, we settled into some of our usual conversation about anything and everything (no topic is really off limits). I finally got up the nerve to say to him "I need to tell you something really important and need you to keep very quiet about it". He gave me a questioning look and said "OK". Just as i was about to launch into my spiel, the supervisor comes round the corner with some information we had been looking for earlier. We talked to the supe for about five minutes, and when he left, Jack asks me what i wanted to tell him. I said, "Oh...never mind. I'll tell you later". At this point, i went to get something to drink and to kick myself in the ass for being such a weak minded chicken shit for not being able to tell him! Arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! FFS. I just lost my nerve. Good god, if i keep this up i will spend the rest of my life alone.
In other news, not seeing Eric as much as i used to is having the opposite effect of what i had hoped. Instead of following the rules for "out of sight, out of mind", me not seeing Eric seems to be following "absence makes the heart grow fonder". In the two weeks since he's moved days off, i have only seen him once. But i have been thinking about him more than ever. It doesn't take much to bring him to the front of my mind. I am dreaming about him more too. I had a wonderful dream about him this morning. I don't remember much of it, but we end up kissing. When i wake up, i can still feel his perfect lips against mine. I feel almost euphoric until i fully awake and realize it was just a dream. At that point i want to crawl under a rock and die.
I have been sticking to my "exercise and diet" plan better than expected. I have been walking at least an hour a day for three of the last four days. I still drink soda, but have been drinking diet instead of regular. I have even been ordering my lattes from Starbucks "non-fat". They taste like shit. I guess its better than going cold turkey, but this lack of flavor is horrible. I have also been really keeping an eye on what i eat. Meaning, not much of anything i really like is being eaten. Ugh. I don't feel any better, or look any better, so who knows if this will actually do me any good. All i know is that i want a pizza and a Coke. Followed by a half-rack of non-lite beer. My taste buds are organizing a revolution. LOL.
I mentioned i had been trying some of those dating sites, and that only one person ever bothered to respond to my emails. Well, after his initial response, we began emailing back and forth daily, sometimes two or three times a day for almost a month. It seemed as if we had heaps in common, but enough differences to keep the conversations interesting. I had finally worked up the courage to ask him to dinner, and to my amazement he said yes. We never did work out a date, as he was busy for a while there, but he promised to make time soon. It has now been two weeks since i have heard anything from him. I have sent a few emails just to say hi and keep up appearances, but not one word back from him. Needless to say, i am feeling more than a little let down by this. WTF? Maybe i'm more fucked up than i had thought. I mean, out of all the emails i sent, i get one response, and now he's not talking anymore either. Fuck.
Well, enough of my ranting for now. BTW, if you have linked me or follow me and i haven't returned the courtesy, please comment or send me an email and i'll take care of it as soon as i can. I try to keep up with that, but i miss things on occasion. I bought a new camera a couple months ago. I have been playing with it, and have a few pics (no, not that sort of pic :p) i want to post here eventually, if i ever bother to figure out how. Bye for now.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Eric Shirtless!
Well, let's see if this works. I bought an iPhone yesterday and am playing with it at work. :) Maybe I will even be able to get this to post.
Anyway, I saw Eric on his way out as I was heading in to work. It made me think back a few months to an event that will be burned into my purved out mind forever. LOL
So I work one mid shift a week (aka graveyard shift). At about 5:00am, I went to the basement to talk to my union rep before I left work. Directly across from the union office is a small workout room. As I approach the door to the union office, my rep steps out and we wind up talking in the doorway to the workout room. Well, who is in there riding the stationary bike but Eric! I am trying to sneak a look without being too obvious. Yes, Eric looks hot in shorts. :p So as I am talking, Eric must be getting a bit warm, as he goes to take off his sweatshirt. When he does this, his t-shirt goes with it! OMG!!! I thought I was gonna pass out. lol. He is more perfect than I had even imagined. It's a good thing I was going home soon, cos I would have been walking around sporting wood the rest of the day. LOL
OK then, gotta go back to work. I hope you've enjoyed a glimpse into the purvy region of my warped little mind. :)
Anyway, I saw Eric on his way out as I was heading in to work. It made me think back a few months to an event that will be burned into my purved out mind forever. LOL
So I work one mid shift a week (aka graveyard shift). At about 5:00am, I went to the basement to talk to my union rep before I left work. Directly across from the union office is a small workout room. As I approach the door to the union office, my rep steps out and we wind up talking in the doorway to the workout room. Well, who is in there riding the stationary bike but Eric! I am trying to sneak a look without being too obvious. Yes, Eric looks hot in shorts. :p So as I am talking, Eric must be getting a bit warm, as he goes to take off his sweatshirt. When he does this, his t-shirt goes with it! OMG!!! I thought I was gonna pass out. lol. He is more perfect than I had even imagined. It's a good thing I was going home soon, cos I would have been walking around sporting wood the rest of the day. LOL
OK then, gotta go back to work. I hope you've enjoyed a glimpse into the purvy region of my warped little mind. :)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Where are we going from here...
I seem to have hit a bit of a speed bump. After making some decent progress in a relatively short time, i am lost as to what to do next or how to accomplish certain things. Everything i need to do is dependent on some other thing. A lot of things need to happen simultaneously, or at least relatively close together. Ugh...frustrating.
As you may or may not know, i came out to my friend Adam at work last week. He is the first person from my personal life that i have told i'm gay. He was an obvious choice, because he too is gay. And who better to understand and accept me than another gay guy? Well, now that i've got the easy one out of the way, who's next? More friends and people i trust at work? Friends (and i don't have many) from outside work? God forbid, my family? Granted, there are one or two people in my family who will likely accept me, but the vast majority will not. My "friends" outside work are not very likely to be accepting, and as much as it pains me, i am prepared to cut them loose if they don't. People at work are a different story. Most are likely to be accepting. Some will act like they are accepting to my face, but will still have inherently homophobic views and think of my being gay as a sickness, or just plain gross. I know, because i've heard them talk behind Adams back. The good news is that i don't give a shit about most of those people now, so it won't matter what they think if i were to come out.
Meeting people has always been a challenge for me. As i have mentioned in previous posts, i am pretty shy in social situations. I am especially shy when i'm around someone i'm attracted to. I get real quiet, and can't even manage to carry on even the most mundane small talk let alone flirt. But lets just pretend for a moment that i'm not a coward, and that i have the balls to approach a guy i'm interested in. Say i'm at the mall, and I see a cute guy and want to talk to him. How can i even think about talking to him, and maybe even flirt, if i don't know if he's gay? I can't just approach random guys that tickle my fancy and flirt! That's a good way to get my ass kicked. I'm pretty sure the last thing a straight guy wants to hear from another guy is how good his hair looks, or that his shirt really accentuates his eyes. Some might be flattered, but most will want to go get their buddies and do a little queer bashing. What's protocol for flirting with guys? I'm lost. lol. Oh, the answer is simple you say, just go where there are a lot of gay guys. With the exception of gay bars and clubs (i'm not really into the whole bar scene, and even if i were, not much happening on a Tuesday night when i have off), just where in the hell am i gonna find a bunch of gay guys? There are a lot of programs in my area that have meetings and activities for gay youths, but nothing for old farts like me. And those online dating sites? A fucking joke. Looks like i'm going to have to risk taking a beating and start hitting on guys at the supermarket.
In any event, before i can start hitting on guys in the produce section of the Safeway, i need a makeover. Badly. Problem number one: I don't know shit about fashion. It's not that i don't want to look good, i just don't know how. Problem number two: Assuming i did know a little something about fashion, finding clothes that fit me properly is a challenge. It would seem that i'm rather oddly proportioned (i could stand to be a few inches taller). lol With most brands of clothing, especially with shirts, the ones that fit well around my chest are usually too long. Shoes are another story. I have big feet (size 14w or 15 depending on the shoe) and most stores only stock up to size 12, 13 at the largest. Sure i can order them, but no guarantee they will fit. So in order to look my best, i need to not only be well dressed, but i also need to shed a few extra pounds. In order to do that, i need to radically change my diet. Not an easy task given my odd work hours and otherwise hectic schedule. I order take out a lot, and really don't have the time to cook proper meals. But i am walking a lot again. I get about 4 miles in 3 or 4 days a week. So, that's a start but i need to add some strength training in too, and i really don't have time to go to the gym.
As you can see, there is much to be done. There is a rough outline of a plan, but not much in the way of actual processes for implementing said plan. So much is dependent on everything falling into place. Just one critical failure, and the whole plan is shot to hell. And all while father time is hunting me down. lol. I still battle depression and bouts of self loathing on an almost daily basis. I am doing my best to put all that behind me,and keep moving forward. But as many of you undoubtedly know, as much as we may want to put it behind us an move on and be happy, it isn't all that simple. For me to be really, truly happy, i need to find a guy who will love me as much as i love him. For me to find such a guy, i need to know where to find him and talk to him. To talk to him i need to boost my self confidence and overcome my shyness by looking better and feeling better about myself, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat. Granted that list isn't in the least all inclusive. There are still a lot of emotional and psychological issues that need to be dealt with on a much deeper level. But, it would be a huge step forward in resolving a lot if i didn't feel so alone and had someone to share my life with.
Alrighty then, once again it's back to work today and i have been up all night and work is only a few hours away. I am trying to stay positive and motivated. After all, my problems are petty and insignificant in comparison the what some people have to face. But those feelings of loneliness, emptiness and worthlessness keep working their way to the surface. Ugh...must...keep...moving!
As you may or may not know, i came out to my friend Adam at work last week. He is the first person from my personal life that i have told i'm gay. He was an obvious choice, because he too is gay. And who better to understand and accept me than another gay guy? Well, now that i've got the easy one out of the way, who's next? More friends and people i trust at work? Friends (and i don't have many) from outside work? God forbid, my family? Granted, there are one or two people in my family who will likely accept me, but the vast majority will not. My "friends" outside work are not very likely to be accepting, and as much as it pains me, i am prepared to cut them loose if they don't. People at work are a different story. Most are likely to be accepting. Some will act like they are accepting to my face, but will still have inherently homophobic views and think of my being gay as a sickness, or just plain gross. I know, because i've heard them talk behind Adams back. The good news is that i don't give a shit about most of those people now, so it won't matter what they think if i were to come out.
Meeting people has always been a challenge for me. As i have mentioned in previous posts, i am pretty shy in social situations. I am especially shy when i'm around someone i'm attracted to. I get real quiet, and can't even manage to carry on even the most mundane small talk let alone flirt. But lets just pretend for a moment that i'm not a coward, and that i have the balls to approach a guy i'm interested in. Say i'm at the mall, and I see a cute guy and want to talk to him. How can i even think about talking to him, and maybe even flirt, if i don't know if he's gay? I can't just approach random guys that tickle my fancy and flirt! That's a good way to get my ass kicked. I'm pretty sure the last thing a straight guy wants to hear from another guy is how good his hair looks, or that his shirt really accentuates his eyes. Some might be flattered, but most will want to go get their buddies and do a little queer bashing. What's protocol for flirting with guys? I'm lost. lol. Oh, the answer is simple you say, just go where there are a lot of gay guys. With the exception of gay bars and clubs (i'm not really into the whole bar scene, and even if i were, not much happening on a Tuesday night when i have off), just where in the hell am i gonna find a bunch of gay guys? There are a lot of programs in my area that have meetings and activities for gay youths, but nothing for old farts like me. And those online dating sites? A fucking joke. Looks like i'm going to have to risk taking a beating and start hitting on guys at the supermarket.
In any event, before i can start hitting on guys in the produce section of the Safeway, i need a makeover. Badly. Problem number one: I don't know shit about fashion. It's not that i don't want to look good, i just don't know how. Problem number two: Assuming i did know a little something about fashion, finding clothes that fit me properly is a challenge. It would seem that i'm rather oddly proportioned (i could stand to be a few inches taller). lol With most brands of clothing, especially with shirts, the ones that fit well around my chest are usually too long. Shoes are another story. I have big feet (size 14w or 15 depending on the shoe) and most stores only stock up to size 12, 13 at the largest. Sure i can order them, but no guarantee they will fit. So in order to look my best, i need to not only be well dressed, but i also need to shed a few extra pounds. In order to do that, i need to radically change my diet. Not an easy task given my odd work hours and otherwise hectic schedule. I order take out a lot, and really don't have the time to cook proper meals. But i am walking a lot again. I get about 4 miles in 3 or 4 days a week. So, that's a start but i need to add some strength training in too, and i really don't have time to go to the gym.
As you can see, there is much to be done. There is a rough outline of a plan, but not much in the way of actual processes for implementing said plan. So much is dependent on everything falling into place. Just one critical failure, and the whole plan is shot to hell. And all while father time is hunting me down. lol. I still battle depression and bouts of self loathing on an almost daily basis. I am doing my best to put all that behind me,and keep moving forward. But as many of you undoubtedly know, as much as we may want to put it behind us an move on and be happy, it isn't all that simple. For me to be really, truly happy, i need to find a guy who will love me as much as i love him. For me to find such a guy, i need to know where to find him and talk to him. To talk to him i need to boost my self confidence and overcome my shyness by looking better and feeling better about myself, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat. Granted that list isn't in the least all inclusive. There are still a lot of emotional and psychological issues that need to be dealt with on a much deeper level. But, it would be a huge step forward in resolving a lot if i didn't feel so alone and had someone to share my life with.
Alrighty then, once again it's back to work today and i have been up all night and work is only a few hours away. I am trying to stay positive and motivated. After all, my problems are petty and insignificant in comparison the what some people have to face. But those feelings of loneliness, emptiness and worthlessness keep working their way to the surface. Ugh...must...keep...moving!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Oh great.
So ends another work week. I have had about seven hours of sleep over the last four days. Needless to say, i'm a bit cranky. I am an insomniac. I am dead tired all the time, yet i can't sleep. My little brain just keeps spitting out random thoughts about all the things i've got going on in my life. There's been a lot on my mind lately, but for the last week or two, i've been feeling pretty optimistic. Things have been falling into place, and for the first time in a very long time, i have felt like i am making progress in my life. Sure, there's still heaps of shit to take care of, but at least i'm doing something about it. That's kind of gone away the last couple of days.
The buzz has worn off from coming out to my friend at work, and i've actually felt myself sliding back into my cocoon of depression and self loathing once again. It sucks. At first glance, my life would seem to be pretty good, and on a lot of levels i guess it is. I'm not in danger of losing my job or being laid off, i have a roof over my head and food on my table, and have more useless material shit than anyone needs. Although i'm making progress, my life is still a very lonely place. I don't think i will ever feel whole until i find a guy who will love me forever. But alas, my standards a probably a bit too high for being 32, out of shape, and having thinning hair. My prospects are very slim indeed. And the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, scares me more than anything. God, i feel old... Being terminally shy, and having a stack of self confidence and self esteem issues isn't helping me either.
I have been trying out a couple of these online dating site over the past few months. The conclusion i have reached about those is that they are all useless pieces of shit. I have sent out almost 70 messages to guys who seem interesting to me ranging in age from 18 to 35. Number of responses: one. One FFS!!! Wow!!!! I really feel good about myself now! I know i'm not porn star material here, but damn, i didn't think i was that bad. Or maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just that every single guy in the known universe is just an asshole. All i want is a guy who I find cute, who's got a good sense of humor, is caring, compassionate, smart, etc. I'm not asking for too much, am i?
The bottom line is time is running out for me. In three months, i'll be 33. I might as well be 63. With each passing day, i can feel more and more possible partners slip just beyond my reach. And when i think about all of the opportunities i have watched pass me by from the confines of my closet, it only serves to depress me further. What is wrong with me? Why have i stood idle by and watched all these possibilities, opportunities, and life in general just pass me by for all these years?
To top things off, Eric has changed days off. This really sucks, because now i never get to see him. It also sucks because we won't even be able to do things together outside work now. We were planning on going hiking and doing some bike riding together. Maybe this will be for the better, as not seeing him everyday will help me to get over him. At the same time, seeing him and spending time with him is one of the few things that actually made me happy, even though i knew there was no chance of us ever being more than just friends. I miss him already.
Time for a stiff drink and a couple of Tylenol PM's. That ought to put my ass to sleep. And when i wake up, maybe i'll find Eric in bed with me and discover that this confusing, frustrating mess i call a life has all been nothing more than a bad dream...
The buzz has worn off from coming out to my friend at work, and i've actually felt myself sliding back into my cocoon of depression and self loathing once again. It sucks. At first glance, my life would seem to be pretty good, and on a lot of levels i guess it is. I'm not in danger of losing my job or being laid off, i have a roof over my head and food on my table, and have more useless material shit than anyone needs. Although i'm making progress, my life is still a very lonely place. I don't think i will ever feel whole until i find a guy who will love me forever. But alas, my standards a probably a bit too high for being 32, out of shape, and having thinning hair. My prospects are very slim indeed. And the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, scares me more than anything. God, i feel old... Being terminally shy, and having a stack of self confidence and self esteem issues isn't helping me either.
I have been trying out a couple of these online dating site over the past few months. The conclusion i have reached about those is that they are all useless pieces of shit. I have sent out almost 70 messages to guys who seem interesting to me ranging in age from 18 to 35. Number of responses: one. One FFS!!! Wow!!!! I really feel good about myself now! I know i'm not porn star material here, but damn, i didn't think i was that bad. Or maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just that every single guy in the known universe is just an asshole. All i want is a guy who I find cute, who's got a good sense of humor, is caring, compassionate, smart, etc. I'm not asking for too much, am i?
The bottom line is time is running out for me. In three months, i'll be 33. I might as well be 63. With each passing day, i can feel more and more possible partners slip just beyond my reach. And when i think about all of the opportunities i have watched pass me by from the confines of my closet, it only serves to depress me further. What is wrong with me? Why have i stood idle by and watched all these possibilities, opportunities, and life in general just pass me by for all these years?
To top things off, Eric has changed days off. This really sucks, because now i never get to see him. It also sucks because we won't even be able to do things together outside work now. We were planning on going hiking and doing some bike riding together. Maybe this will be for the better, as not seeing him everyday will help me to get over him. At the same time, seeing him and spending time with him is one of the few things that actually made me happy, even though i knew there was no chance of us ever being more than just friends. I miss him already.
Time for a stiff drink and a couple of Tylenol PM's. That ought to put my ass to sleep. And when i wake up, maybe i'll find Eric in bed with me and discover that this confusing, frustrating mess i call a life has all been nothing more than a bad dream...
Friday, March 20, 2009
One down...
So, it would seem that after becoming infatuated with Eric last October, my "inner gay", that part of me that i have always known was there but never really payed much attention to, could no longer stand incarceration and demanded to be let out of his prison. And who could blame him. After all, he is the real me. And while have long accepted him, i didn't give him near the attention i should have. So, i turned him loose.
It was shortly after this that i discovered the great blogosphere, and started reading a few blogs. I made a few new friends, some of whom felt like family to me. After reading his blog, i felt as though Mirrorboy was my long lost gay little brother. He was in fact the first person i ever came out to, in real life or in cyberspace. But even after telling my new online friends who i really am, i still felt this burning need to talk to someone in my real life about my secret. The need to come out to a person i knew personally and spent time with on a regular basis became almost over powering.
I found that person in a friend from work. "Adam" is openly gay. He and i get along quite well at work, and we frequently talk and go outside and walk together when our breaks match up. Well, it rains a lot here in winter, so not much walking to be done. And with as many people as we have at my job, finding any kind of privacy in the building is rare. I guess Adam and i are going to need to get together outside of work so i can finally let out this deepest of secrets that i have been carrying with me for far too long.
I finally worked up the nerve to ask Adam if he would be willing to get together outside of work sometime. I told him i had something very important and private to talk to him about and didn't want to risk having anyone else over hear (the people i work with are for the most part pretty awesome, but real effing gossips). Hell, i even made sure that no one could over hear me when i talked to Adam about getting together. I was so nervous, my hands were trembling. But he said sure no problem. Whew! I felt better already.
With our odd work schedules, and different sets of days off, we had almost no time when we could get together. I kept checking with him periodically to see if he had some free time, and he almost never did. I finally got him to agree on a time and place. I was pissing my pants. On the morning of the day we were supposed to meet, i called and cancelled. I just couldn't go through with it. How could i ever tell anyone face to face that i'm gay?
Fast forward to last night. Adam and i get out on a break at the same time. Oh good...no one else is around. "Hey Adam, you have a few minutes? I really need to talk to you." "Sure", he says. WTF am i thinking?! Am i really going to tell him i'm gay at work, where anyone within earshot could overhear? Like i said, there are very few places to have a quite, private conversation with anyone at my work. But i'm in luck...the lobby of the Administrative wing is empty (people usually make mobile phone calls in there when the weather is crap like today), and all the office staff have long gone home.
"Adam, how are you at keeping secrets?" "I can keep a secret" he says. "Really? I mean really huge, earth shattering, mother of all secrets secrets." "Yeah", he says, "But you'll find it might not be so earth shattering after all". I give him an odd look, and he give me this knowing smile. "I have something i really need to tell you, Adam". And he says "I know", and gives me that smile again. "I'm gay." "I know" he says again.
Did i just do that? I can't believe i just did that. I just told someone i know and see all the time that i'm gay! I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders. He told me he had suspected i was gay, but wasn't sure until i asked to talk to him outside work. We talked for a little while about his coming out experience and about how different the gay scene is here compared with where he grew up. We also talked a bit about our families and the varying degrees of acceptance he got from his family. His mother, like mine, is convinced gays have a First Class seat on the Concorde, non-stop service to Hell. We talked about how even though he has been living here for almost four years, how few gay friends he really has here (doesn't look good for me finding a cute, high quality boyfriend). And we talked about how accepting almost all of the people we work with really are. But, we kept getting interrupted by people walking through the hall. And finally a mutual friend came along and sat with us ending our liberating little chat. And before anyone asks, Adam has a partner who he has been with for seven years (i'm so jealous). And yes, Adam is cute. :p
So there you have it. The longer than necessary story of how i came out to a person i know in my real life for the first time. I'm still pretty stoked about the whole experience. And once again, i have stayed up all night and work is only a few short hours away.
Before i go, i want to point you all in the direction of another new blog. Please head on over and say hi to a really great guy named Randy at Overrated Integrity. He's in a pretty tough spot right now (much like where i was just a few months back, or still am for that matter), and needs all the help and support he can get right now.
It was shortly after this that i discovered the great blogosphere, and started reading a few blogs. I made a few new friends, some of whom felt like family to me. After reading his blog, i felt as though Mirrorboy was my long lost gay little brother. He was in fact the first person i ever came out to, in real life or in cyberspace. But even after telling my new online friends who i really am, i still felt this burning need to talk to someone in my real life about my secret. The need to come out to a person i knew personally and spent time with on a regular basis became almost over powering.
I found that person in a friend from work. "Adam" is openly gay. He and i get along quite well at work, and we frequently talk and go outside and walk together when our breaks match up. Well, it rains a lot here in winter, so not much walking to be done. And with as many people as we have at my job, finding any kind of privacy in the building is rare. I guess Adam and i are going to need to get together outside of work so i can finally let out this deepest of secrets that i have been carrying with me for far too long.
I finally worked up the nerve to ask Adam if he would be willing to get together outside of work sometime. I told him i had something very important and private to talk to him about and didn't want to risk having anyone else over hear (the people i work with are for the most part pretty awesome, but real effing gossips). Hell, i even made sure that no one could over hear me when i talked to Adam about getting together. I was so nervous, my hands were trembling. But he said sure no problem. Whew! I felt better already.
With our odd work schedules, and different sets of days off, we had almost no time when we could get together. I kept checking with him periodically to see if he had some free time, and he almost never did. I finally got him to agree on a time and place. I was pissing my pants. On the morning of the day we were supposed to meet, i called and cancelled. I just couldn't go through with it. How could i ever tell anyone face to face that i'm gay?
Fast forward to last night. Adam and i get out on a break at the same time. Oh good...no one else is around. "Hey Adam, you have a few minutes? I really need to talk to you." "Sure", he says. WTF am i thinking?! Am i really going to tell him i'm gay at work, where anyone within earshot could overhear? Like i said, there are very few places to have a quite, private conversation with anyone at my work. But i'm in luck...the lobby of the Administrative wing is empty (people usually make mobile phone calls in there when the weather is crap like today), and all the office staff have long gone home.
"Adam, how are you at keeping secrets?" "I can keep a secret" he says. "Really? I mean really huge, earth shattering, mother of all secrets secrets." "Yeah", he says, "But you'll find it might not be so earth shattering after all". I give him an odd look, and he give me this knowing smile. "I have something i really need to tell you, Adam". And he says "I know", and gives me that smile again. "I'm gay." "I know" he says again.
Did i just do that? I can't believe i just did that. I just told someone i know and see all the time that i'm gay! I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders. He told me he had suspected i was gay, but wasn't sure until i asked to talk to him outside work. We talked for a little while about his coming out experience and about how different the gay scene is here compared with where he grew up. We also talked a bit about our families and the varying degrees of acceptance he got from his family. His mother, like mine, is convinced gays have a First Class seat on the Concorde, non-stop service to Hell. We talked about how even though he has been living here for almost four years, how few gay friends he really has here (doesn't look good for me finding a cute, high quality boyfriend). And we talked about how accepting almost all of the people we work with really are. But, we kept getting interrupted by people walking through the hall. And finally a mutual friend came along and sat with us ending our liberating little chat. And before anyone asks, Adam has a partner who he has been with for seven years (i'm so jealous). And yes, Adam is cute. :p
So there you have it. The longer than necessary story of how i came out to a person i know in my real life for the first time. I'm still pretty stoked about the whole experience. And once again, i have stayed up all night and work is only a few short hours away.
Before i go, i want to point you all in the direction of another new blog. Please head on over and say hi to a really great guy named Randy at Overrated Integrity. He's in a pretty tough spot right now (much like where i was just a few months back, or still am for that matter), and needs all the help and support he can get right now.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
"Damn, we're in a tight spot..."
So, today begins another work week for me. I have really odd hours and days off. And i've just had the last week off, so going back to work will be even more unpleasant than usual. I like my job, but hate the hours i work. Anyway, that is all a bit off topic.
Work is really a really a bittersweet thing for me these days. Management are total pricks, who for the most part go out of their way to make our time spent at work as miserable and stressful as possible (we do have a few good supervisors though). On the bright side, i get a decent paycheck, i get to do something that i enjoy, and i get to see "Eric".
Eric has been working at my place of employment for about ten months now. At first, i didn't pay him much mind. Just one of many new faces that have been showing up in droves for the last couple of years. But about six months ago, something about him really grabbed my attention. I still have no idea what made me notice him every time he was around, but whatever it was sure did the trick.
I began to try to find out as much as i could about him without seeming to obvious. The last thing i wanted to do was draw attention to the fact i have a crush on a male co-worker. I find out his name, the area of town he lives in, what kind of car he drives, and that he lives with someone. But i can't find out who he lives with. Roommates? Family? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? And i can't find any clue as to his sexual orientation. This only serves to increase my curiosity and interest in him. And as time goes by, my crush on him intensifies.
One day, he sits down at my table during lunch because i was already sitting with a mutual friend. My heart rate increased. My palms got all sweaty. "Is it getting hot in here?" Just being near him and hearing his voice made me lock-up. I opened my mouth to say hello, and got nothing but a barely audible croak. I'm 32 ffs! I shouldn't be acting like this! I could feel my face flush as i get more and more flustered and embarrassed. Finally i give up, excuse myself and leave.
About a week later, same situation. Only this time it's worse. Eric and i reach for the same section of the new paper at the same time and our hands touch. Instantly i go into awkward, bumbling idiot mode, and when our eyes briefly meet i can again feel my face flush and turn the brightest shade of red you could possibly imagine. I'm pretty sure everyone in the room noticed this (but that could just be my imagination, but he certainly noticed). I again tried to speak, but to no avail. So, i excuse myself and leave. Again. Don't i feel the fool...
I finally get around to introducing myself to him and a few of the other new guys. We talked shop, and cars a little bit, and now knowing we have at least our jobs and a love of cars in common, i begin to feel a bit more at ease around him. But the more i learn about him, the more i like him. And not just his looks (although he is incredibly cute), but everything about him. His voice, his smile, his hair, his laugh, his personality, his sense of humor, his kind and quiet manner, and his eyes. My God, i could spend eternity looking into his eyes. He is constantly on my mind. He is in my dreams. I want only to be near him. Yeah, this is definitely more than just a crush. I think i'm falling in love with him.
Just a few minor problems. One, the obvious, i'm gay and neither Eric nor anyone else knows this (although after how i blushed and ran away from him when we first met, maybe he does suspect). Two, after getting to know him better, i find out he does in fact have a girlfriend. Three, i still have no idea if he's maybe bi-sexual or if he's straight, or even what his attitude is towards gays.
But none of this stops me from feeling what i do for him. I have never felt this way about anyone else, ever in my life. Sure, i've had crushes on guys before, and have worked and gone to school with guys i liked before. But nothing can even come close to the way i feel about Eric. The logical part of me says "Forget him, it's not gonna happen. Even if he is by some minor miracle bi-sexual, he's got a girlfriend, so just put him out of your mind and move on". But my heart tells logic to kindly be quiet, and logic listens.
I don't know how to forget him. It's impossible. We are in each others company all week long in some capacity or another. If i'm not in his physical presence, then i'm on the phone with him (work related calls, btw). And i don't know what's more frustrating; knowing that i need to forget him and put him out of my mind before i drive myself mad, or knowing that i can never tell him how deeply i feel about him and that he will never know just how profoundly he has effected me.
Time to at least attempt to get some sleep me thinks. I've been up all night and need to get up in just a few hours to go to work. Maybe the solution will come to me in a dream...
Work is really a really a bittersweet thing for me these days. Management are total pricks, who for the most part go out of their way to make our time spent at work as miserable and stressful as possible (we do have a few good supervisors though). On the bright side, i get a decent paycheck, i get to do something that i enjoy, and i get to see "Eric".
Eric has been working at my place of employment for about ten months now. At first, i didn't pay him much mind. Just one of many new faces that have been showing up in droves for the last couple of years. But about six months ago, something about him really grabbed my attention. I still have no idea what made me notice him every time he was around, but whatever it was sure did the trick.
I began to try to find out as much as i could about him without seeming to obvious. The last thing i wanted to do was draw attention to the fact i have a crush on a male co-worker. I find out his name, the area of town he lives in, what kind of car he drives, and that he lives with someone. But i can't find out who he lives with. Roommates? Family? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? And i can't find any clue as to his sexual orientation. This only serves to increase my curiosity and interest in him. And as time goes by, my crush on him intensifies.
One day, he sits down at my table during lunch because i was already sitting with a mutual friend. My heart rate increased. My palms got all sweaty. "Is it getting hot in here?" Just being near him and hearing his voice made me lock-up. I opened my mouth to say hello, and got nothing but a barely audible croak. I'm 32 ffs! I shouldn't be acting like this! I could feel my face flush as i get more and more flustered and embarrassed. Finally i give up, excuse myself and leave.
About a week later, same situation. Only this time it's worse. Eric and i reach for the same section of the new paper at the same time and our hands touch. Instantly i go into awkward, bumbling idiot mode, and when our eyes briefly meet i can again feel my face flush and turn the brightest shade of red you could possibly imagine. I'm pretty sure everyone in the room noticed this (but that could just be my imagination, but he certainly noticed). I again tried to speak, but to no avail. So, i excuse myself and leave. Again. Don't i feel the fool...
I finally get around to introducing myself to him and a few of the other new guys. We talked shop, and cars a little bit, and now knowing we have at least our jobs and a love of cars in common, i begin to feel a bit more at ease around him. But the more i learn about him, the more i like him. And not just his looks (although he is incredibly cute), but everything about him. His voice, his smile, his hair, his laugh, his personality, his sense of humor, his kind and quiet manner, and his eyes. My God, i could spend eternity looking into his eyes. He is constantly on my mind. He is in my dreams. I want only to be near him. Yeah, this is definitely more than just a crush. I think i'm falling in love with him.
Just a few minor problems. One, the obvious, i'm gay and neither Eric nor anyone else knows this (although after how i blushed and ran away from him when we first met, maybe he does suspect). Two, after getting to know him better, i find out he does in fact have a girlfriend. Three, i still have no idea if he's maybe bi-sexual or if he's straight, or even what his attitude is towards gays.
But none of this stops me from feeling what i do for him. I have never felt this way about anyone else, ever in my life. Sure, i've had crushes on guys before, and have worked and gone to school with guys i liked before. But nothing can even come close to the way i feel about Eric. The logical part of me says "Forget him, it's not gonna happen. Even if he is by some minor miracle bi-sexual, he's got a girlfriend, so just put him out of your mind and move on". But my heart tells logic to kindly be quiet, and logic listens.
I don't know how to forget him. It's impossible. We are in each others company all week long in some capacity or another. If i'm not in his physical presence, then i'm on the phone with him (work related calls, btw). And i don't know what's more frustrating; knowing that i need to forget him and put him out of my mind before i drive myself mad, or knowing that i can never tell him how deeply i feel about him and that he will never know just how profoundly he has effected me.
Time to at least attempt to get some sleep me thinks. I've been up all night and need to get up in just a few hours to go to work. Maybe the solution will come to me in a dream...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
School Daze
Hi everyone. Once again, thank you all for the support, comments and love you have all shown me. It really means a lot. OK, enough sap. :p A few small things before i get on with the post. First, I want to encourage you to ask any questions you may have of me. My email address is listed below the 'about me' section on the right. Just sub a "@" for the"(at)" and you're golden. Second, a few people have asked about my name "Deadwing" and my display pic. The name is taken from the band Porcupine Tree and their album "Deadwing". The album strikes a chord with me, and so i "borrowed" the name. My display pic is also taken from a Porcupine Tree album. It is the cover art for their "Fear Of A Blank Planet" album. The photo is by Danish artist, filmmaker, and photographer Lasse Hoile. He's an incredibly creative guy, with some really 'out there' concepts and ideas.
On with the post...
As i mentioned in my first post, i had my first crush on a boy in first grade. His name was"James". Now, in first grade, i had no idea what those feelings were. I had no concept of homosexuality whatsoever. I just knew i felt differently towards James than i did other boys, or girls for that matter. James was in my class from Kindergarten through sixth grade, so i was around him a lot.
Into junior high, our class split up. We had different periods in the day, but James was still in my home room and in my PE (gym) class. What a shock when i found out we had to shower together after class! I was scared to death that i would become "aroused" in the shower, especially with James in there. Good God... By this time, i had pretty much figured out that i was gay, although i was till holding on to some delusion that i would eventually get married etc. But i now knew what it meant to be "gay". What a confusing mess i was in. I wasn't very popular in school, and James was. So, even though we had known each other for years in grade school and were friends, the social structure in junior high kind of drove a wedge between us. We still talked from time to time, but it wasn't like it used to be.
It was during this time that my feelings for James became more than just a simple crush. I had to be around him as much as i could. He was on my mind every waking moment. I would time my walks to class so that i would run into him in the halls. All the while, i had a million different thoughts running through my mind. "Am i the only boy who has these feelings towards other boys? What if someone finds out? What if James found out i liked him? Is there something wrong with me? There must be. What am i going to do? Who can i talk to about this? This isn't normal. I'm scared."
Being gay just wasn't something that was talked about, either at school or at home. There was no education on the subject. And in Sex Education, there was no mention of homosexuality at all. I learned of the concept of being gay from one of my peers who would make jokes about it. Nothing worse than being a "queer" or "fag". That only served to reinforce my suspicions that i was indeed alone in how i felt, and that i was in fact "sick" or otherwise abnormal. NO ONE can know about this. EVER!!! Deeper into the closet i go...
And in the closet i stayed. Eventually, during the middle of ninth grade, my mom sent me off to live with my dad. I was failing every subject, and was seriously depressed. I would talk to the school counsellor, but could never reveal what was really on my mind. So, James was gone from my daily life, but not forgotten. My new school, in a new town, in a new state was really no better. Still had to hide who i was, and still had no one to talk to about how i felt. As i went through high school, i still pretended to like girls around my friends, and found still more boys to crush on. But that's a story for another time...
On with the post...
As i mentioned in my first post, i had my first crush on a boy in first grade. His name was"James". Now, in first grade, i had no idea what those feelings were. I had no concept of homosexuality whatsoever. I just knew i felt differently towards James than i did other boys, or girls for that matter. James was in my class from Kindergarten through sixth grade, so i was around him a lot.
Into junior high, our class split up. We had different periods in the day, but James was still in my home room and in my PE (gym) class. What a shock when i found out we had to shower together after class! I was scared to death that i would become "aroused" in the shower, especially with James in there. Good God... By this time, i had pretty much figured out that i was gay, although i was till holding on to some delusion that i would eventually get married etc. But i now knew what it meant to be "gay". What a confusing mess i was in. I wasn't very popular in school, and James was. So, even though we had known each other for years in grade school and were friends, the social structure in junior high kind of drove a wedge between us. We still talked from time to time, but it wasn't like it used to be.
It was during this time that my feelings for James became more than just a simple crush. I had to be around him as much as i could. He was on my mind every waking moment. I would time my walks to class so that i would run into him in the halls. All the while, i had a million different thoughts running through my mind. "Am i the only boy who has these feelings towards other boys? What if someone finds out? What if James found out i liked him? Is there something wrong with me? There must be. What am i going to do? Who can i talk to about this? This isn't normal. I'm scared."
Being gay just wasn't something that was talked about, either at school or at home. There was no education on the subject. And in Sex Education, there was no mention of homosexuality at all. I learned of the concept of being gay from one of my peers who would make jokes about it. Nothing worse than being a "queer" or "fag". That only served to reinforce my suspicions that i was indeed alone in how i felt, and that i was in fact "sick" or otherwise abnormal. NO ONE can know about this. EVER!!! Deeper into the closet i go...
And in the closet i stayed. Eventually, during the middle of ninth grade, my mom sent me off to live with my dad. I was failing every subject, and was seriously depressed. I would talk to the school counsellor, but could never reveal what was really on my mind. So, James was gone from my daily life, but not forgotten. My new school, in a new town, in a new state was really no better. Still had to hide who i was, and still had no one to talk to about how i felt. As i went through high school, i still pretended to like girls around my friends, and found still more boys to crush on. But that's a story for another time...
Sunday, March 15, 2009
First Steps
First off, all I can say is "wow". I am really amazed by all of the comments I have received so far. A HUGE thank you to everyone. Now, on to business...
As Steevo mentioned, I attended my first PFLAG meeting last week. So, technically, I suppose I am sorta out, even if it is to complete strangers. For me though, there is still no one I know personally in real life who knows I'm gay.
Attending a PFLAG meeting was a big first step for me. Having hid my sexuality for so long, I was pretty nervous about attending the meeting and telling my story. Even as i began to speak, i was wondering if talking was such a good idea. But after my first sentence, it all just flowed out of me. The people at the meeting were mostly parents who had gay children. It was really comforting to be there with them, and know that even though we had just met, they accepted me for who i am. As i spoke with them and told them about my situation, about how my real family would condemn me for being gay, i began to feel some hope. Hope that things would work out OK after all these years of hiding in my closet. Hope that the majority of the people in my life would accept me for who i am.
As Kevin has said in a comment on my previous post, ones sexuality really is their business. I don't plan on putting an ad on TV telling people that i'm gay, or as he said, tell people i'm gay when i introduce myself. That said, i want to be open and honest with people. If someone asks me, i want to be able to answer with confidence and pride "yes, i am gay". As Kevin also said, there are people in my life who most likely suspect that i'm gay and don't have the balls to ask me. I mean, c'mon, i'm 32 and have never had a girlfriend. It's pretty simple to figure out. LOL. Maybe they figure it is my business, and that i wil tell them if i feel that they need to know. At the same time, i can't help but feel like i'm being sneaky, like i'm keeping the truth from them. I want to meet new people, and make new friends who i can be myself with (that is, actually have some gay friends). But i also want to be able to be myself with those i already know.
For me, coming out is about finally being able to be honest. Honest with my friends, both new and old, honest with my family (still a tough nut to crack), and most importantly honest with myself. I came to terms with being gay a long time ago. But i have never allowed that part of me to be seen. I hope by letting that part of me out, i will find some happiness and peace.
As Steevo mentioned, I attended my first PFLAG meeting last week. So, technically, I suppose I am sorta out, even if it is to complete strangers. For me though, there is still no one I know personally in real life who knows I'm gay.
Attending a PFLAG meeting was a big first step for me. Having hid my sexuality for so long, I was pretty nervous about attending the meeting and telling my story. Even as i began to speak, i was wondering if talking was such a good idea. But after my first sentence, it all just flowed out of me. The people at the meeting were mostly parents who had gay children. It was really comforting to be there with them, and know that even though we had just met, they accepted me for who i am. As i spoke with them and told them about my situation, about how my real family would condemn me for being gay, i began to feel some hope. Hope that things would work out OK after all these years of hiding in my closet. Hope that the majority of the people in my life would accept me for who i am.
As Kevin has said in a comment on my previous post, ones sexuality really is their business. I don't plan on putting an ad on TV telling people that i'm gay, or as he said, tell people i'm gay when i introduce myself. That said, i want to be open and honest with people. If someone asks me, i want to be able to answer with confidence and pride "yes, i am gay". As Kevin also said, there are people in my life who most likely suspect that i'm gay and don't have the balls to ask me. I mean, c'mon, i'm 32 and have never had a girlfriend. It's pretty simple to figure out. LOL. Maybe they figure it is my business, and that i wil tell them if i feel that they need to know. At the same time, i can't help but feel like i'm being sneaky, like i'm keeping the truth from them. I want to meet new people, and make new friends who i can be myself with (that is, actually have some gay friends). But i also want to be able to be myself with those i already know.
For me, coming out is about finally being able to be honest. Honest with my friends, both new and old, honest with my family (still a tough nut to crack), and most importantly honest with myself. I came to terms with being gay a long time ago. But i have never allowed that part of me to be seen. I hope by letting that part of me out, i will find some happiness and peace.
Well, where to begin...
Hello. I guess the best place to start is to give you all a little bit of background about me. I am 32, gay, and still in the closet. I have known that I was different from a very young age (I had my first crush on a boy in first grade). I had no idea how to interpret those feelings at such a young age, and had no concept of homosexuality. Over time I began to learn about being gay, or bi-sexual and figured it out. For the longest time I tried to convince myself that I was bi-sexual, and that there was still some hope for me to get married, have some kids, and live a 'normal' life.
By the time I was 19 or 20, I finally realized that I am in fact gay. My family are a mixture of very religious and conservative. They either view being gay as a sin, a sickness, choice, or any combination thereof. How can I tell them who I really am? So, I go on day by day pretending to be someone I'm not.
Well, not any more. I can no longer handle the stress of having to conceal my true self and the resulting bouts of depression and self loathing. From this point forward, I am going to be myself.
That's not to say that I don't have a long way to go. My family will no doubt be the last to know, as I stand to lose the most by telling them. My current 'friends', well if they can't accept me for who I am, then to hell with them. I am making new friends, both here, on the internet, and in my real life. I have met some really amazing people who have helped and encouraged me to move forward with my life. People like Mirrorboy, Steevo, James, Steve and Mr. HCI.
I hope to one day be able to help others, as I have been helped and pay it forward so to speak. Well, that should do for a first post. Thanks for reading, and I hope to make many more new friends here.
By the time I was 19 or 20, I finally realized that I am in fact gay. My family are a mixture of very religious and conservative. They either view being gay as a sin, a sickness, choice, or any combination thereof. How can I tell them who I really am? So, I go on day by day pretending to be someone I'm not.
Well, not any more. I can no longer handle the stress of having to conceal my true self and the resulting bouts of depression and self loathing. From this point forward, I am going to be myself.
That's not to say that I don't have a long way to go. My family will no doubt be the last to know, as I stand to lose the most by telling them. My current 'friends', well if they can't accept me for who I am, then to hell with them. I am making new friends, both here, on the internet, and in my real life. I have met some really amazing people who have helped and encouraged me to move forward with my life. People like Mirrorboy, Steevo, James, Steve and Mr. HCI.
I hope to one day be able to help others, as I have been helped and pay it forward so to speak. Well, that should do for a first post. Thanks for reading, and I hope to make many more new friends here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
