Wednesday, April 22, 2009

FAIL

I have been having a recurring dream rather frequently lately. The details are fuzzy at best, but the ending is crystal clear. Somehow, in my dream Eric and i end up kissing. When i wake up (and i always wake up mid kiss some where), i can still feel his lips on mine, and i can still smell him and feel his warmth. A good dream. It gives me just a few moments of pure bliss before i fully wake up and realize it was all just a dream. Then reality sets in. Hard and fast.

I woke up to this dream again this morning just a few minutes before my alarm went off. I actually had to get up early today (10:30am...early for me considering i didn't get to bed until after 5:00am). I had some lame, waste of time doctors appointment to go to at 11:15. After the doctor, i went back home to pick up some stuff i needed to return, and had forgot to bring with me in the first place. I forget shit a lot lately...must be part of getting old.

After returning my stuff and running a few errands, i decided to see if cute shoe boy was in at the mall. This time, he was. He was actually the only one in the store when i was there. And i was the only customer. Seemed like perfect conditions. Long story short, i asked him his opinion on some shoes, and asked for a little fashion advice. He was quite friendly, and i wound up complimenting his tattoos. He just said "thanks", and we went back to trying things on. When the time seemed right, i rather awkwardly asked if he'd like to get a cup of coffee or something sometime. "Really?" was his reply. I said yes, really. Then he said "I'm sorry, that just won't be possible". No further explanation, no nervous laugh, or appearance of being flattered or embarrassed. His response was really neutral. I could feel my face turn red, and i instantly felt so sick to my stomach, i thought i was gonna puke. I don't blame him for telling me to fuck off. I probably traumatized him, and now he'll be scarred for life. I did buy a pair of shoes from him after all that though.

Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck. Fucking failure and rejection strike yet again. At least my 100% rejection record remains intact. Do you know what made me ask him? Not having huge balls or being courageous or brave. Desperation, loneliness, delusion, and sheer fucking stupidity were the driving forces behind my actions. What the fuck was i thinking? What made me think that i had even one chance in a billion with a guy like him?

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. Every avenue i have explored thus far has lead me to the same dead end. Oh i know, get back on the horse, try again, etc. It took all i had to do that and now i'm spent. After my shitty waste of time experience on various dating sites, and now this, i've had about all the rejection i can handle for a while. Maybe after i've had shit loads of cosmetic surgery and a personality transplant, i'll give it another go.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

hang in there dude - it's a lot farther than a lot of other folks have managed to go

Mirrorboy said...

Umm... A shoe salesman turned you down for a coffee? It's not the end of the world dude.

love

Gauss Jordan said...

Actually that does kind of suck. Of course, more power to you for sacking up enough to show interest. Worst case, you lost out on an awesome shoe salesman. ;-)

I've yet to have a guy show any sort of interest in me, and I've yet to say a thing to a guy.

So maybe he's not a homo, you weren't his type, or he's seeing someone. There's lots of reasons for why he'd say no that you can't know without asking. On the flipside, you could've wussed out and always wondered.

Eh. But then I've been interested in a couple of guys I've met, but never made a move at all, so what do I know? :-)

Anonymous said...

After you've had shit loads of cosmetic surgery you won't be able to smile at the cute guys. : )

You've gone a lot farther then a lot of people, myself included. Which really makes the rest of us failures. I FAIL.

BLNT

naturgesetz said...

Maybe for a while, let them come to you.

Anonymous said...

You actually asked a guy out!? First time ever?! YOU ASKED A GUY OUT?! Fuck all if he rejected you or not...YOU ASKED A GUY OUT!!!!!! I am happy, and ecstatic, and amazed, and proud, and, and, and...

Anonymous said...

All I can say is you blow me away DW. That was courage. I don't care if you think it was desperate and lonely and all that. It was pure, blind courage.

I've been as desperate and lonely as you are, and still not been able to do that.

Just what James said... WOW! YOU ASKED A GUY OUT... Legend!

Hang in there dude, rejection sucks, but your balls are impressive, and you'll get the yes you want soon.

Anonymous said...

Magic! Well done! Hs the world caved in it? Pinch me I didn't notice.

So who are U goin to ask out next? I'll cum if you ask nicely.

Bruce said...

This wasn't a FAIL, it was a big WIN!!! You took a major step and asked out a guy you didn't even know was gay. That's courageous and you deserve a huge round of applause for it. Keep asking, you'll find someone who accepts eventually.

Seth said...

At least you did it. so it didnt work out. try another.
it will work one day.

tracy said...

Damn Reality! But as the others have said, you did ask him out..yay! It is probably of small comfort, but that is, as "they" say, a giant step...looking forward to hearing about many more.
Hugs,
tracy

Highwayman said...

Dude, you are the shiznit my man. Absolutely huge balls and you used them to do what so many of us find difficult to do. You are my hero. I think I'll declare this "National Deadwing Day". Woot Woot. Jayson

Anonymous said...

I think it's his loss, not yours!

Jeremy said...

D:

Don't be sad, you have more courage than I do >.>

hugs
Jeremy

Deadwing said...

@goleftatthefork: it is farther than some have gone, but it doesn't feel like progress to me. my nerves still haven't recovered. lol

@mirrorboy: i know what you mean. but a SHOE SALESMAN turned me down...that doesn't say much about me...lol *hugs*

@gauss jordan: i have never had a guy show interest in me either. that is a whole other self confidence destroying ball of wax. you are right, ther are heaps of reasons why he could have said no. i just wish i knew why. at least now i wont wonder if he would have said yes.

@S: lol...what if i had a permanent smile attached? lol...and no, none of you are failures. just more sane than i. :)

@naturgesetz: if i were to wait for them to come to me, i would be waiting a long time. that is a fool proof plan for dying alone. :/

@james: aww, thanks buddy. :P glad to have you in my cheering section. :)

@kiwi: *blushes* legend...idk. you overestimate me my friend. but, thanks for the kind words *hugs* i hope you are right about me getting a yes sometime. :)

@micky: the ultra cute waiter at one of the local restaurants would be next on my list...damn, is he cute! but, i need to let my nerves settle first. and there is still that little problem of me not knowing if he is gay...

@bruce: thanks. i hope i do find the right guy soon. save the applause for then. :) lol

@seth: thanks, maybe it will work some day. :)

@tracy: "they" say a lot, don't they? lol...hopefully next time i will have good news to report to you. :)

@highwayman: gosh, my own holiday! see if you can get the president to sign that into law...i love getting extra holiday pay at work. :p but thanks for the kind words, my friend.

@anon: i keep trying to tell myself that. :p thanks! :)

@jeremy: i don't know about courage, dude. it was something tho...and now i can't shop at that store anymore. lol thanks for the comment buddy. :)

Col said...

Omg! I can't believe I missed this post. Sorry!!!

It's all been said now, and it's true. You did amazingly well. You didn't even know if he was gay... or anything else about him... but you still asked him!! So how could that possibly be a FAIL?

You've got more balls than me, that's for sure!

Take care,
Col

Deadwing said...

@col: thanks, mate. i've either got incredible balls, or i'm incredibly stupid...lol. either way, i am still recovering from that and who knows if i will be able to ask a guy out with out having reason to believe he's interested in me or knowing he's gay. frustrating...

torchy! said...

bit late to the party here. oops

"I'm sorry, that just won't be possible"

my 2c: he's gay, with a partner or simply doesn't fancy you or whatever.

but... *AWESOME* for asking!!! if you don't ask, you won't get. if you keep asking, will get sometime.

you plucking up the courage to ask is something to be celebrated mate!

torchy!