Let's go for a drive.

On friday when i got to work, i ran into Eric as he was heading out the door to go home for the weekend. We got to talking and he actually stayed for about half an hour past the end of his shift just to talk to me. :) We wound up talking outside since the weather was actually nice that day. We just did a bit of catching up since we haven't seen each other in a while. Turns out he's off to Florida for a week of fun in the sun. Just the thought of him in any sort of swimwear makes me feel tingly. :p As we were talking, the sun was hitting his eyes and hair in just the right way. God, he is the most beautiful thing on this earth. I was positively glowing standing there talking to him. He makes me feel so happy and at peace. I had the strongest urge to grab him, pull him close and give him a kiss he would never forget. *sigh*

Anyway, as we were talking, the convo got round to my new car. Eric is as big a car nut as i am, and we frequently talk cars and such. About 2 months ago, i bought a 2009 Audi S5 (black on black). I love that car, and so does Eric. To quote him, "that is one sexy car". Indeed. :p So, when i first got the car, i gave Eric the grand tour, showed him all the bells and whistles, played the stereo for him, and gave him a short ride around the parking lot in it. Well, on friday as we were talking, he asked if my car was broken in yet and if i'd had any fun with it yet. I said yes it was broken in and yes, i have had some proper fun with it. He said "i would love to drive a car like that". I said, "you wanna take it for a spin?". He just looked at me and said "are you serious?". Now, understand, i am very picky about my car and i really don't like other people driving it at all. But, i saw a golden opportunity do a little bonding with Eric, and i took it.

Since i hadn't signed in yet, and he was off duty, we went for a short drive (normally we can't leave the facility when we are on duty). I took Eric over to my car, had him get in the drivers side and fire her up. He got the seat and mirrors all set up and we went out and had a bit of fun (driving that is :p). It was only a short trip, about 10 minutes, but Eric really enjoyed it. He had the silliest of grins on his face the entire time. I think i made his day, cos when we got back, he put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a little pat on the back and said "thanks man...that was awesome". That made my day. :D

Of course, all of this does nothing for me and trying to get over Eric. I grow more fond of him (if that is even possible) everyday. The way he makes me feel is indescribable. I suppose it is rather pathetic of me to feel this way about a guy i will only ever know as a friend, but i can't help it. I guess all i can do is hope that someday, my feelings for him will peak, and i will then start to regain my sanity. I just hope that i will be able to meet someone who not only makes me feel like Eric does, but will be able to return those feelings.

FAIL

I have been having a recurring dream rather frequently lately. The details are fuzzy at best, but the ending is crystal clear. Somehow, in my dream Eric and i end up kissing. When i wake up (and i always wake up mid kiss some where), i can still feel his lips on mine, and i can still smell him and feel his warmth. A good dream. It gives me just a few moments of pure bliss before i fully wake up and realize it was all just a dream. Then reality sets in. Hard and fast.

I woke up to this dream again this morning just a few minutes before my alarm went off. I actually had to get up early today (10:30am...early for me considering i didn't get to bed until after 5:00am). I had some lame, waste of time doctors appointment to go to at 11:15. After the doctor, i went back home to pick up some stuff i needed to return, and had forgot to bring with me in the first place. I forget shit a lot lately...must be part of getting old.

After returning my stuff and running a few errands, i decided to see if cute shoe boy was in at the mall. This time, he was. He was actually the only one in the store when i was there. And i was the only customer. Seemed like perfect conditions. Long story short, i asked him his opinion on some shoes, and asked for a little fashion advice. He was quite friendly, and i wound up complimenting his tattoos. He just said "thanks", and we went back to trying things on. When the time seemed right, i rather awkwardly asked if he'd like to get a cup of coffee or something sometime. "Really?" was his reply. I said yes, really. Then he said "I'm sorry, that just won't be possible". No further explanation, no nervous laugh, or appearance of being flattered or embarrassed. His response was really neutral. I could feel my face turn red, and i instantly felt so sick to my stomach, i thought i was gonna puke. I don't blame him for telling me to fuck off. I probably traumatized him, and now he'll be scarred for life. I did buy a pair of shoes from him after all that though.

Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck. Fucking failure and rejection strike yet again. At least my 100% rejection record remains intact. Do you know what made me ask him? Not having huge balls or being courageous or brave. Desperation, loneliness, delusion, and sheer fucking stupidity were the driving forces behind my actions. What the fuck was i thinking? What made me think that i had even one chance in a billion with a guy like him?

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. Every avenue i have explored thus far has lead me to the same dead end. Oh i know, get back on the horse, try again, etc. It took all i had to do that and now i'm spent. After my shitty waste of time experience on various dating sites, and now this, i've had about all the rejection i can handle for a while. Maybe after i've had shit loads of cosmetic surgery and a personality transplant, i'll give it another go.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair?"

That was what one of my friends at work said about my new hair cut on Sunday. lol. He followed that up with "you're not going gay on us are you?". If only he knew...and i almost said "why yes i am". But all i did was give a cryptic "maybe" followed by a good laugh. One of my other co-workers added in "switch teams now and you get a free toaster oven" to which i replied "throw in a decent espresso machine, and you've got a deal". If i had any balls at all, i would have come out to everyone in the room right then and there. Just not ready for that yet though. In any event, the "going gay" comment must mean that my haircut was an unqualified success! Go to a gay stylist, get a gay hair style. :D I'm going back to him for all my hair cuts from now on. There may be hope for me yet.

I have had several people i know ask me if i've lost weight. So, it would seem my self imposed regimen of torture is working to some small degree. I have been trying to walk at least a couple of miles every day. Last week, i walked six miles one day. But that is not having as big an effect as it once did. Time to ratchet things up a bit, maybe buy a new bike or something (my old bike is nice, but not very modern or comfortable...its about 12 years old now). On top of walking, i have been doing push ups and crunches every other day or so. That seems to be having some effect as well. Here again, i think i need to kick it up a notch and start with some weight training. Diet is the hardest part. I have been depriving myself of pizza, Coca-cola, and beer/liquor. I have also moved away from the lattes and onto Americanos. Far fewer calories than even a non-fat latte. And pretty damn good to boot. I am still a work in progress tho, and there is much work to be done before i am presentable.

Had a good talk with Jack last night at work. He admitted he was surprised by the fact i am gay. He is very accepting tho, and i am really glad i decided to tell him. He was on holiday last week, and said that he was wondering if i was just playing a joke on him while he was gone. lol. Apparently, i do a damn good job of acting straight. As it turns out, Jacks brother is gay. No wonder he took it so well when i told him. We talked about how his brothers coming out affected his family, and it unfolded about as i anticipate my coming out will affect mine. Not so good. He said his parents still love his brother, but don't accept or approve of his lifestyle. Jack's brothers partner isn't allowed in his parents home. It has forever altered the parent/son relationship. Jack and i also talked about my next moves, where i want to go from here. etc. I told Jack how frustrated i am about waiting so long to come out, and how badly i want to find a partner. I also told him about my crush on Eric. I am so grateful for Jack. I asked if he wanted to establish any boundaries for our discussions, because i didn't want to offend him or make him uncomfortable with any of my gay issues. He just said "do we need boundaries?". What an awesome guy.

I got a compliment on my new shoes from another guy i work with. Looks like my little changes are having some effect after all. Here again, still a work in progress. I desperately need some sleep. I have had only about eight hours of sleep or so since Friday morning (it's now Tuesday morning for me). Time to sign off, and close my burning eyes for a while. Laterz.

Quickie update

For those who are interested, yesterday was a complete waste of time. I got my hair cut as planned, and the guy who cut it turned out to be really nice. He said that his mom had mentioned me to him, but didn't go into much detail. Sadly he didn't seem too keen on the idea of getting together though. Yet another dead end.

I was a little early for my hair appointment, so I went into the shoe store to have a look. The guy I worked with last week was there (also pretty cute), but my " target" was nowhere to be seen. An hour later, after my hair appointment, still no cutie shoe boy. :( Oh well, probably would have been pointless anyway. No sense in spoiling my no hitter.

Maybe I should just start hitting on random cute guys, see if I can get a few takers. I'll either make some friends/get a boyfriend or get the shit beat out of me by said cute guy and six of his best gay hating buddies. I've had about three hours of sleep since Friday morning, and now that I think about it, being beat into a coma would probably be quite restful. Time to go back to work now. Laterz.

Into The Unknown

So, tomorrow after work I am going for a hair cut. The guy who will be doing the cutting is the son of one of the people I met at the PFLAG meeting last month. I haven't actually spoken to him yet, as he was out when I set up my appointment. I hope I don't surprise him too much when I tell him how I was referred to him. On top of getting a great new hair style (got to make myself as marketable as possible), I am hoping that he will agree to us getting together to talk sometime. From what his mom was saying about him, it would seem that we could benefit from each others conversation. It would be awesome to have another person to talk to in real life, who I can be myself with. By some coincidence, the salon he works at is in the same mall as the shoe store where the cutie shoe guy works.

After getting some good advice from Steevo, and talking to him more about it on MSN, he has got me almost convinced that I should go and talk to cute shoe guy some more. I am already nervous just thinking about talking to him, let alone asking him out to dinner. Now, where did I place my extra-extra large balls? I am pretty shy with new people in real life, and even talking to guys I am interested in makes me nervous. What makes the situation even more sensitive and nerve wracking for me is not knowing if he is gay or not. I am terrible at reading people and picking up on subtle hints. He would all but need a neon sign on his head reading "I'm gay" for me to figure it out. Like I said, he seemed kind of fem, and was nice from what I could tell. But simply because he is slightly fem and works in a shoe store doesn't mean he's gay. I could mis-read some signal and convince myself he's gay simply because I want to believe it. Then, if I actually work up the courage to ask him out, there is the potential I could find myself in a really embarrassing situation real fast. Not only could it be embarrassing, but if he turns out to be straight and not so gay friendly, he would have my name and address (I usually have to order stuff since they don't have much in my size). I know, I am being paranoid and making excuses not to take action. But the possibility does exist.

Steevo said it best, I need to do something. I have heaps of reasons for sitting on my ass and not doing something to improve my life. It's time I came up with reasons to take action. If I never take a chance, I will die alone, and that scares me. But what is an acceptable risk? Granted, he's fem and works at a shoe store, so my odds of success go up a little. But he's in his early to mid 20's. He may just think I'm some creepy old dude. Or, he might be gay and into guys my age. Ugh...I could go round and round on this forever and never reach any sort of logical conclusion. I'm open to any advice you, my friends, may have to offer. I want to talk to him, but my inner chicken shit is telling me to run away. What am I gonna do?

Time for some new shoes?

My sister went home yesterday. Needless to say, she still doesn't know that i'm gay. After reading Torchy's comment on my last post, i got to thinking that i really don't know how my sister feels about gays. I was going to take the idea suggested by Torchy and make up some fictitious person at work who has come out to me, or talk about Adam getting hitched to his partner but the right opening in the convo never presented itself. Having my mom around all weekend didn't help me to bring this up either. In the end though, i have a feeling that i shouldn't tell her until i'm ready for my mom to know too.

This weekend, i got an email from a reader that really made me think . The email said that in her heart, my mom probably already knows that i'm gay. The writer of the email wondered what would hurt my mom more, that i'm gay or that i don't trust her enough to tell her. That really made me think. Could i be hurting her by keeping my secret from her? She knows i'm depressed and unhappy, and i'm sure that hurts her. What mother doesn't want her child to be happy? But does she know why i'm unhappy and depressed? If she really knew why i am so miserable, would she still want me to pursue happiness? I am still of the opinion that i would be disowned, but i could be wrong.

On a lighter note, i went out and bought a new pair of shoes on Saturday. I think i need another pair or two. The guy working at the shoe store is one of those guys who looks pretty average to the outside observer, but sets off alarms and bells in my heart and mind. He is really cute (to me anyway), slightly fem (i know, i'm stereotyping...sorry), and has some great tattoos. I don't remember the details of the tats (i was way to busy taking in his cute face and perfect tummy. :p), but he had ink on both of his arms. *sighs* I have not been able to get him out of my mind for even one second since seeing him Saturday afternoon. I see cute guys every time i go out it seems, but there is something about him that pushes all the right buttons, and ignites a fire inside of me. My gaydar doesn't work very well (if at all), but i got the feeling he may have been gay. No hard facts or proof, just a gut feeling. I really want to go back and talk to him some more, maybe put on my ultra huge ballz and ask him out. But i don't want to take a chance on asking him out not knowing for sure if he is gay. It would be odd finding excuses to go in and talk to him in any detail about anything, especially trying to find out if he is gay, since he is at work after all, and just how many pairs of shoes could i possibly need? LOL. I'm guessing just asking him if he is gay is out of the question, especially given the environment in which we would be talking. I'm a lousy flirt to begin with, and not knowing if he is gay or not makes it even more difficult. There is a good chance he'd think i'm a creepy old man for talking to him anyway, since he looks to be in his early to mid 20's. Just thinking about him makes me feel 10 years younger though. I'd really hate to let any opportunity pass me by, but my chances are slim to none even if he is gay i reckon. I guess he'll just wind up being another wank fantasy boy. This is really frustrating. Any advice you guys might have to offer would really be appreciated.

Not much else going on in my little world. It's still cold and rainy, i still have no boyfriend, and my laptop is full (only 500MB of free space remain on the hard drive). Guess i'll have to buy a portable hard drive and back it up, then delete all my files to make more room. I have been using my laptop as a back up for my music and pics and vids. Storing all of that on an external hard drive would work just as well i suppose. Either way, i need to do something. 500mb of free space is not conducive to downloading porn. :p As for the cold and rain and no boyfriend, maybe it's time i quit my job and go someplace else and start over.

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I was busy with work and spending time with my sis, so i have a lot of catching up to do here in blogland. With any luck, the Easter weekend will have caused a slowdown and will make it easier for me to catch up. :) Laters.

Weekend? What weekend?

I have a few extra minutes on my break, and the signal is strong on my mobile for the moment, so I thought I'd pop in and say hello. As most of you already know, I work all weekend including Friday nights. Oh joy. My social life sucks and is about as boring as watching the grass grow. Not much going on on a Tuesday or Wednesday night when I have off. Even if there were, finding someone to do something with is difficult.

My sister is in town visiting until Sunday afternoon. I very briefly considered coming out to her while she is here, but dismissed the notion just as quickly. Her and my mom tell each other everything. Even if I swore her to secrecy, my guess is that she would talk sooner or later. But then again, maybe not. Maybe things have changed since we were kids. All I know is that she threw me under the bus more than once when we were kids. Better to play it safe for now I reckon.

I don't have any big Easter plans, as I'm not very religious and I have to work. Our weather has turned back to the rainy, cold crap from the warm sun we had just a few days ago. The rain and clouds never used to bother me. Now, all I can think about is getting the fuck out of here and moving someplace where it's a bit warmer and the sun shines more. Maybe out of the country. Who knows. It's time for a change. I'm stuck in a rut.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. Laters.

He actually laughed!

It's almost quarter to four in the afternoon, and i just got out of bed. Yes, yes, i know, i'm a lazy bum and all that. :p I actually slept really well Saturday night, although i still only got about five hours of sleep. But when one is used to only getting 1 or 2 hours, 5 is pretty good. But, i didn't get a nap in before my mid shift Sunday night, so i was well tired when i got home this morning. Oh, and i did a bit of "spirited driving" on my way to work Sunday morning. Having to leave for work at 4:45 am has its advantages. :) It's about the only time i have the road almost to my self in this town. So the freeway (motorway) on ramp is long and straight, with good views ahead and behind. No cops in sight, gas pedal to the floor, through second gear, shift into third, and another shift to fourth. 125 MPH is reached in an alarmingly short period of time. :D The sound of the engine revving to its 7000 rpm red line is music to my ears. God, i love my car. OK, enough blather. :p

At work last night, Jack and i were actually fairly busy until about 1:45am, which is unusual for this time of year (we stay busy even later in the summer). Things normally die down well before 1am in winter/spring/fall, and we can settle in and talk or watch a movie. The cleaning girl finally came through at about 2am (also late) and did her vacuuming, etc. I finally get the laptop set-up and ready to watch "Dogma" at about 2:30, but i stall actually starting the movie. I am scared shitless and my stomach is in knots at this point just thinking about telling Jack that i'm gay. What if he flips out and our friendship is ruined? I still have to work mids with him (it's just us two all night long) for the next eight months. What if i tell him and he lets my secret out before i'm ready? So many ways this could go all wrong.

Anyway, i keep stalling starting the movie by making nervous small talk, digging through my laptop bag, fidgeting with brightness and volume settings on my laptop, and a bunch of other obviously odd behaviors. I finally turn to Jack and say "Can you keep a secret?". He says "yeah, whats the matter?". "I really need to tell you something, and i need you to keep it to yourself...you can't tell anyone, OK?" He gives me a look of concern and says "What is is? Are you alright?". Insert dramatic pause here. "I'm gay". He gave me a really neutral sort of look for just a second and then he actually laughed! "Holy shit! Is that all? I though you were going to tell me you were dying or something! Fuck man, i don't care about that. In fact, that explains a few things. Like why your were so open to being bi, and why you laughed so much when i mentioned my wife wanting our son to be gay." A few months back, we were having a discussion about all the new people coming in the building. A few of them are lesbians, so we started talking about sexuality a bit and somehow we wound up on being bi, and i'd made some comment on the order of "being bi automatically doubles your chances of getting laid. Maybe i should give it a try".

After that, he said he needs to have his gaydar looked at, because he never really suspected i was gay, just those few little hints i dropped to him. I went on to tell Jack that he and Adam are the only two people in my real life who know, and i think he was pretty flattered that i would trust him with my secret. He asked when i told Adam, and he said that it must be like a weight lifted from my shoulders. He also said, "I guess i need to be careful talking about tits now" and laughed. I told him (as if he really needed me to say it) that things aren't any different than they were before, except he now knows the real me. I told him we could still talk about all the things we did before, that nothing has really changed. I then said to him that i hope that my being gay doesn't change the dynamics of our friendship. He says "No, no, it's cool".

The rest of the night went on as if things were just the same as always. I can be a bit paranoid, and i was wondering if Jack was just being so cool about it in order to spare my feelings or something. I got over that pretty quickly, and just accepted the fact that he accepts me for who i am. On our way out to the parking lot after our shift, i thanked him for keeping my secret a secret. He just said "No problem, bud". Then he laughed a little and said he was thinking back to our argument with Dodge a while back. Dodge is a sick and twisted far right sort who believes that being gay is a mental illness just like schizophrenia, and that gays should be institutionalized and treated. Jack said he wanted to strangle Dodge after that, he can only imagine how i must have felt. I did tear Dodge a new asshole, but didn't want my secret revealed at that point. If we were to have that conversation now, I think i would tell Dodge "Oh yeah? I'm gay. Now what you sick fuck?" and get him in heaps of trouble for discrimination.

So there it is. I'm out to one more person in real life, for a grand total of two. After the way i had built up coming out to Jack, it was almost anti-climatic when i finally did tell him, especially considering how cool he is about it. I don't think they will all be this easy though. Who to tell next...

Burnt to a crisp.

Hiya. Just a quickie post as i'm very tired right now. But i wanted to get a quick post in tonight because i will be working all day tomorrow (Sunday for me) and turning around to a mid (night) shift tomorrow night.

Before i forget, thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I will try to make individual responses when i get some time.

So, today was the first day in months there has been both sunshine and "warm" temperatures. By warm i mean it was almost 60 f (about 14 c). After this long, cold, snowy winter, that felt really good. :) We also had our annual Easter egg hunt at work today. Every year, our employees association puts on an Easter egg hunt for the kids and families of the people who work at my place of employment. It usually rains, but today was splendid. The grounds are huge, with plenty of trees and lawn area for the kids. It's really quite a bit of fun for everyone. This year, i got selected to help out with getting things set up and just kind of being a public relations guy during the festivities. Basically, i got to fuck off and do no real work for about three hours and spend some time in the sun and fresh air. LOL. The downside is, after being locked indoors for the past six months, i am about as pale as pale can be. Well, i should say "was" pale. Now i'm sunburned beyond recognition. LOL.

I've actually been a very busy boy today. When i got home from work, i mowed my lawn for the first time since last October (it was about a foot tall and required me to haul about six bags of grass clippings up-hill to my compost heap), washed my car (it's so pretty when it's clean :p), and decided to treat myself to a nice steak cooked on the grill for all my hard work (washed down with an icy cold beer of course). With the combination of sun, fresh air and work, i should sleep like the dead tonight.

I think i will attempt coming out to Jack once again tomorrow night. I'll let you all know how it goes on Monday. *crosses fingers, hopes not to chicken out again*

I'll leave you with another photo. I took this photo this evening while my coals were getting up to temp in the grill. The view is looking southeast towards Mt. Rainier from the park down the street from my house. Enjoy! :)

Complications

It would seem that my plan to come out at work first has hit a snag. I don't know why I didn't think of it before, but I work with three people who know and keep in touch with my sister. My sister and i have the same employer and we do the same job, just in different locations. The problem with this is that if I come out to everyone at work and not just a few trusted people, it won't be long before my sister finds out that I'm gay from one of her friends that I work with. After she finds out, it won't be long before my mom finds out (my sister tells my mom every thing).

I don't know how my sister will react, but my mom is already convinced that I'm going to he'll for not having God in my life. But at least as it is now, she still loves me and believes there is hope for me. If she found out I'm gay, she'd go off the deep end. Not only would I be going to hell, but I'd be disowned. My mom thinks being gay is both sickness and sin. All hope for me would be lost in her eyes. She would probably try to get me to seek treatment for my "illness", and when I refused our relationship would end. I don't have many people in my life who really love me. I don't know if I could handle the loss of even one right now.

On top of that, it would take the coming out process out of my control, and that is something I'm not prepared to let go of just yet. Once my mom found out it wouldn't be long before everyone knew. This is something I need to be in control of. But I need to come out. Being in the closet is slowly killing me. Maybe it would be for the better if I came out at work and let the situation spiral out of control. Then at least it would be done and over with and I could finally move on. How fucking frustrating.

So this is what global warming looks like...

I now live in a part of the US that sees almost no snow in the winter. I have lived in places that are in a deep freeze from November to May too. This year, my nice little relatively snow free part of the world was hammered by Old Man Winter. Snow is very pretty to look at, but very tiring to commute in. I'd be just delighted to never see another snow flake as long as i may live. So, by special request of Mirrorboy, "the snowy ones".