Wednesday, May 6, 2009

WARNING:

This post is depressing as fuck. Read further at your own risk.

My dad and i are really close, and have been for as long as i can remember. I was his shadow when i was a little kid, and it really tore me apart when my parents got divorced and my dad moved away. Eventually, about seven years after my parents split, i went to live with my dad. That was when i was about 14, and by that time i had already pretty much figured out that i was gay. Granted, i lived in denial of that fact, and tried to convince myself i was bi, but i knew i liked boys and knew what it meant to be gay.

My point is, my dad is my best friend. Although i don't get to see him much (he lives 2000 miles away), we talk on the phone four or five times a week. That i'm gay is the only secret i have kept from my dad. For years and years, i have agonized over this. How will he react if i tell him? Will he still love me? Will our friendship be ruined?

On Sunday afternoon, i had a rather eye opening conversation with my dad. Somehow or another, the topic of the movie Top Gun came up. My dad mentions that he has heard that Kelly McGillis, "that hot blonde in Top Gun", has come out as being as lesbian after all these years. My dad said he heard that she said she has known since she was 12 or something. So, i try to tell him how i feel, with out being too detailed or anything, and relate to him my experience with out telling him that i am in fact gay. You know, how a lot of people who are gay have known since a very early age, how society and peer pressure can force people to stay in the closet, how that causes the person in the closet a lot of grief and unhappiness, stuff like that. My dad just grumbled something and said it with a real "oh, whatever" sort of attitude. Great...this isn't looking so good for me.

I changed the subject a little bit, and brought up gay marriage. I talked about how hung up people are with gays in general, and how gays should be entitled to the same rights as everyone else. He says something to the effect of "well, i have the right two not see to guys kissing on the street, and i ought to be able to kick their asses if i do". I was speechless for a moment, and so stunned that all i could muster was "i wouldn't go that far". OK, so the "kick their asses" comment was said half in jest, as my dad wouldn't really just kick someones ass without being provoked. But, i think he made it really clear that he in no way approves of gays. I would venture a guess that he still labors under the falsehood that being gay is a choice.

So, bottom line, if i come out to my dad, i loose my best friend. Period. It will destroy our relationship. Without my dad's love and friendship, i will have nothing left. My life will be void of anything of worth.

My dad knows about my depression. He is worried about me because of it. When we talk about it, he always asks me what i think may be causing it, and of course i can't tell him it stems from being closeted and being alone for so many years. Coming out would certainly explain many things and help him to understand why i have been depressed and unhappy since i was 15, maybe even earlier. But that explanation will come at a high cost.

I fucking HATE being gay. It has brought me nothing but sadness, pain, depression and endless torment of my soul. If there is an up side to being born gay, i have yet to find it. So here is the situation as i see it: i can either have the love and friendship of my dad and other family members, or i can come out and finally be able to be myself, and if i'm a really good boy, maybe i will find a boyfriend before i die. At least the way things are now, i have someone (my dad) who i know loves me and who i can talk to, etc. If i come out completely, there is still no guarantee i will find a boyfriend and true love. Given how shitty my luck has been in trying to get a date online, and that i can't tell who is gay and/or interested in me in the real world and that i haven't had a guy hit on me since my senior year of high school, i would guess that i'm heading towards an eternity of loneliness. So, even if i do win the gay lottery and find a guy who loves me and makes me happy, i am still never going to be whole. I can either have the love of my family (guaranteed) or i can have the love of a boyfriend (not guaranteed, or even likely), but not both. Here's the real kicker: i need to come out before i have a fucking meltdown. So, it's not a matter of if i will be disowned by my family, but a matter of when. The only real variable is if i will find a guy that not only do i love (i got one of those already, and that is a source of yet more anguish and longing), but will love me in return. Some fucking world we live in.

21 comments:

Jeremy said...

Oh nooo D:

I'm sorry that your dad is like that D:

If you lived closer I would definitely comfort you

*hugs*

torchy! said...

i'm gonna come back to this or maybe we can chat about it soon. but before i go to sleep i just wanted to say a cpl of things: i wouldn't write your dad off just yet. if you've got a close, loving relationship with him, do you really think he would place his prejudices above his love for you? especially as he is obviously concerned about your depression.

sounds like you're gonna tell him anyway if you're heading for a meltdown. be prepared for the worst reaction, but plan for the best.

they may be prejudices, but they're still real to him, don't dissmiss them - ease him over them

take care mate
*hug*
torchy!

Mirrorboy said...

Upsides to being gay?

You will know who your true friends are. You will know who will love you no matter what. You have a much more accepting view of the world. etc etc. There are a bunch - i can't think of the others atm. lol

Steevo would know. :)

Also, if you weren't gay, you never would have met any of us.

:D?

Sexuality isn't a sentence for unhappiness.

love

Anonymous said...

we should talk rather than me posting a long comment ... but as torchy said - I wouldn't write off your dad - I think you would be surprised how deep that relationship runs and how deep down inside he may already know what you have to tell him - it might bring you closer

I for one am starting to believe that nobody (maybe not even my wife) would be too surprised if I came out

Anonymous said...

:,( that brought a little tear out.

Although we're grown, it's always disappointing to see that type of negativity in parental figures.

Once again, torchy! read my mind. People do come around over time and coming out can be an AH HA moment that brings you and your dad closer. (Wishful thinking!)

Lightning Baltimore said...

Definite upside to being gay: the sex is better! Of course, I may be a bit biased . . . but I'm also right.

:-P

I used to bring up stuff like that with my mom before I was out and she was usually somewhat negative. I even remember her saying, "Well, I think it is a choice." Now that I've been out to my folks for a little over 16 years, she claims to have never thought it was a choice.

Don't give up hope. Many, many parents can overcome a lot of prejudices when they discover one (or more) of their children is "one of those people."

Planetx_123 said...

Hopefully we can chat soon if you want. I have similar feelings about my parents, and I have felt the same way about being gay etc.

Obviously, as a similarily depressed guy, I have no answers. But I will gladly throw a pity party where the two of us can talk about how shitty life is... I do think all the time with myself, so maybe misery will like company :-)

I love you, and I know many other people on here do as well. I know it doesn't count for much, but its better than nothing.

Steve

Mr. Urs said...

Again a catch-22. They seem to be everywhere.

I did it the other way around. I first got me a boyfriend and came then out to the general public. But I was lucky. My man is the perfect son-in-law. You can't hold a grudge against him. My rather conservative clan even happily agreed to held our reception in its small and also rather conservative village.

Please don't give up. Your perseverance will be rewarded.

Sethy said...

A lot's been said already, and mostly covered. I just wanted to agree though that the relationship you have with your father is much deeper than prejudice. I am willing to bet that after any meltdown (there may very well be one), and after he has time to process it, you may even find him defending gay rights. There is one constant: He cannot stop loving you, even if he tried at first. A father will do anything not to see his son hurting, even if it means having to change his perceptions about things. You don't have to flaunt it in front of him, but my guess is he will come around in the long run. But, as a disclaimer: you know him better than any of us, so tread accordingly.

Much love

Sethy

Gauss Jordan said...

I envy you for the relationship you have with your dad. Before I came out, I spoke with mine maybe once every 10 days. Now, we've spoken once a month, and that has *never* been about the gay issue.

I'm sorry he feels that way. Both of my parents asked me why I couldn't just let them keep thinking I was straight. I've had two different friends ask why I was motivated to come out to them.

I don't know why, but I felt like I had to. I think that's when the "gay" label became real.

Mr McCabbage said...

Love and friendship are not like money, where you have so much of it in the bank. What is of any worth is always for free and infinite, and is inside of you - you are always the supplier, to yourself as well. The guaranteed love of your family may not be a love for you, but for their own cherished idea of who you ought to be. And you are always whole DW, you just have to discover it. Did you think all straights who marry feel whole? Kinky Friedman says, "I support gay marriage because I believe they have the right to be just as miserable as the rest of us."

Seth said...

One thing that did strike me - and forgive me if I perhaps seem a little morbid - but your life will go on much longer than your parents. You do not owe them anything (and on the flip, they don't owe you anything) - but as you seem to see already, you (might) have to choose between your adult life, or your life with your parents.

I'm taking this from my own perspective, which is that I am stuck in "my life with Mom" instead of "my adult life" - and it can be painful, in a different way. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway - one other thing I might suggest, in addition to all the other great advice - but perhaps it might be better to wait to come out to Dad in person, rather than over the telephone? (If that is/will be possible anytime soon.

You might also want to look into PFLAG or something, to see what ideas they offer, to help plan.

*HUGS*
ps feel free to msg me

naturgesetz said...

I don't really have anything to add the the point that others have made about not assuming that your dad will react that badly, especially if you tell him that it was not your choice.

Just want to say I hope all goes well if you do tell him.

*hugs*

naturgesetz said...

One more thought:

Even if you do lose your dad's friendship, you don't have to have a boyfriend. After all, your friendship with your dad is not a sexual relationship. So you don't *need* a relationship to be sexual in order for it to give you satisfying intimacy. If you can be satisfied with your friendship with your dad, why tell yourself that with anyone else it has to be sexual? Why not at least be willing to entertain the possibility of a satisfyingly intimate nonsexual relationship with a friend? Maybe even have the new friendship along with your dad's friendship, if dad doesn't cut you out.

Steevo said...

Dan and I have loads of queer friends...

and about 50% of them expected disaster, but were happily surprised with rent/s who either were fine right away, or who in due time realized their son was the same kid/boy/man he always was.

In your depression this may seem impossible. But there is reasonable hope that with your in person help and over time it can work out ok.

Did you see "Prayers for Bobby"? And as I recall your dad has no debilitating right wing conservative religious ideology to overcome.

His attitude is a default setting for st8 older men who dont know queer 1. He has no experience meeting and knowing one, let alone knowing one who he loves.

He may talk that way out of habit from high school days when all boys were very worried NOT be seen as gay. So they adopted a certain stance and vocabulary and attitude for others to see. And have had little reason to move on. YOU are a good reason to revisit old attitudes...

There is extensive research to show that people who know a gay person or have gay friends are much much more likely to accept homosexuality.

And, bottom line, what dad with a 32 year old son who has never dated and has been depressed for so many year is NOT going to have considered the possibility that sonny boy is perhaps not a raving het?

He may harbor some shred of hope that u r not gay, but I doubt he will be shocked or awed.

But this is easy, I know, for me to say considering my life and my rents. This is a common topic at gay gatherings. I know. Trust me.

hugs...

steevo in cali
.
.

cvn70 said...

DW

i know how you feel as we chatted abouthis but never feel bad about yourself for who you are

being gay is what we are and its not perfect but this is it. And mboy is right about what he is saying

take care and be safe

bob

tracy said...

Oh, i am so sorry this conversation came out sooo badly. Not being gay, i can't reply with the same empathy that the guys here do, however, i do understand love and the meaning of the most important relationships in your life and the dread that you feel over the chance of losing them. i had a similar incident over religion years ago. My heart aches for you, my dear and i wish i could let you know how much i have come to care for you over these past months. i wish so much i could ease your pain, if only a little.
Please know how much i care and how your dad's words actually hurt me as well, somehow.
Take care of yourself,
Hugs,
tracy

Col said...

I too envy your relationship with your dad, mine was a lousy one and he said stuff that was a lot worse than what your dad said during your conversation. Nevertheless, what he said did hurt you and that's totally understandable.

Now I'm not a prude but I don't like seeing guys kissing in the street. I don't like seeing hetro's doing it either so I don't think what he said is such a big thing to worry about imho.

You obviously have a very strong bond with your dad, and likewise him with you. A strong, loving 32 year relationship is something I'm sure he'd not want to throw away. Ok, he may need some time to absorb what may come as a complete shock, but on the other hand... he might just need some time to accept something that he'd suspected for a while. Let's face it; our parents may be of a different generation, but they're not blind and/or stupid!

If, as you say, you need to come out before you have a meltdown... plan your coming out if it helps, don't be hasty and just blurt it.

I know this is going to sound cheesy but; write down some bullet points so you don't get tongue-tied or forget important things you want to say (like how much you love him and that you always will, or this is why you've been depressed... because you've been afraid of losing him if you came out etc).

Whenever and however you decide to tell your dad, I wish you (from the bottom of my heart) the very best of luck. If it all goes awry then you have some wonderful people here that will be there for you... for however long it takes. I know we can't hold you or hug you in reality, but we'll do the best we can!

I'm sorry for the late and extremely long comment!

Take care and best wishes,
Col

torchy! said...

i said i'd revisit this dw, but i don't need to now. Col (yet again, bless him) has spelt out *exactly* what i think, only with much greater clarity.

you're a great guy, dw, and i hate to see you stressing like this. i feel sure this will all turn out for the best with your Dad, if you deal with it in a sensitive way, which i'm sure you will.

*hugz*
torchy!

Anonymous said...

From the time one realises he/she is gay, there have always been only two choices - to come out or remain in the closet. Some people make their choice and are able to live with it, without too much detriment to the quality of their lives. From reading your post, it seems that staying in the closet is only worsening your depression. I do understand the possibility of the relationship with your father and the guarantee of someone loving you. Maybe it's time to pluck up the courage and come out, and give your father the benefit of the doubt that he will love you after as he always has. The fact that you recognise that he loves you suggest to me that he's made it known to you very clearly. That in itself makes you a very lucky person. Give him the benefit of the doubt. I think you might be surprised. I hope all goes well for you, with whatever choice you make.

Deadwing said...

@jeremy: thanks. *hugs*

@torchy: i hope you are right. i hope is love for me is stronger than his prejudices. *hug*

@mirrorboy: you are right, i never would have met you guys. so, at least one good thing has come from me being gay.

@goleftatthefork: i'd love to talk sometime...send me an email for my msn. i don't think some ppl would be too surprised, but knowing i'm gay and accepting me as gay are very different.

@s: yeah, it is disappointing. but, not really surprising given the narrow views of our society. and yeah, it is wishful thinking to think it will bring us closer.

@mr.hci: i'll have to take your word that the sex is better. at this rate, i may never find out for myself.

@steve: i love you too, my friend. and knowing you love me counts for more than you can even imagine. thanks. *hug*

@gomad.ch: thanks. i hope you're right about my perseverance being rewarded, but right now i sure can't see any reward on the horizon.

@sethy: i wouldn't flaunt anything, but i also don't want to have to hide who i am. if i see a cute guy, i want to be able to say so. lol. but, i hope my dad will know that this has been the cause of my pain and depression, and realize how hard it's been for me to carry this with me all these years. that my coming out will ease my suffering.

@gauss jordan: my dad and i are so close in part because i didn't have many real friends growing up. i was always an outcast in the social structure of my school, so my dad was and is my best friend. i can't keep who i really am secret any more, and the though of me destroying the friendship i have with my dad makes me sick.

@mr mccabbage: i have spent more than 20 years trying to feel whole by myself, and discover that in myself. it isn't there, or if it is i can't find it. there is a part of me missing. and i can't take it anymore.

@seth: it's not just a matter of choosing between my adult life and life with my parents, but of me being myself, and possibly trashing the only real, true, best friend i have. thanks, and hugs.

@naturgesetz: thanks. but even with the friendship i have with my dad, i still feel incomplete. having a sexual relationship isn't everything, but it is something that i want. sharing that level of intimacy with someone is unknown to me.

@steevo: thanks for the input. he may have suspested i'm gay, but confirming his suspicions may push him over the edge and drive him away from me. given my prior life experiences, i have no reason to believe that things will go well. the shit will hit the fan, just like it always does. *hugs*

@bob: thanks. sadly, gay is what we are. i would give anything to be straight. sure, life isn't perfect for them either, but i have enough problems already. being gay takes my already crap life and complicates it further.

@tracy: aww, thanks so much for your kind words. you are so sweet, *hugs*

@col: thanks heaps...and don't worry about the long comment. i really appreciate it. my dad is neither blind nor stupid. he probably suspects. we do have a great friendship, and i hope it will endure beyond me coming out. *hugs*

@torchy!: thanks mate. *hugs*

@rc: thanks. i guess it's time to bite the bullett. i wish i'd had the balls to come out in high school. even if i come out now, and my friendship with my dad remains intact, i still have the odds stacked against me for finding a partner and finding happiness. as much as being in the closet IS making my depression worse, what happens if i come out and things only get worse for me? because then i will be out, and there will be no excuse for me to not have a partner? being out and alone is even worse than being closeted and alone. but only one way to find out i reckon...