The beginning of the end?

I have taken those first few unsteady steps on a journey from which there is no return. I spoke with my dad yesterday for almost an hour when I should have been working. He is very concerned about me, as I have been noticeably more depressed than usual lately. He started asking me a lot of questions about what's been bothering me. I said I have a pretty good idea of what it is, but that I would rather not talk about it over the phone, that it's very hard for me to talk about. He continued to gently prod me for answers, and I said I want to talk about it but that the phone isn't the place to do it, that I'd rather discuss it face to face.

When I got home from work last night, I went online and booked a flight out to visit my pops in early June when I've got some leave from work. So, my dad knows something is up and now I have a ticket to go see him. At this point, I am pretty much committed to coming out to him in just a couple of weeks. Now that he knows that I am carrying a burden and that I know what that burden is he won't let me skate without talking to him about it.

This morning, I had a voicemail from my dad on my mobile. He was pretty upset about our conversation last night. He called to see how I was doing, and wanted to make sure I was ok. I felt really bad for making him worry so much. I called him back on my break before and had a fairly encouraging conversation with him. First off, I told him about my trip and he was extremely excited to hear I am coming for a visit. The topic then shifted back to me. He again said how worried he is about me and that he was thinking about me all day. He said he would do anything he could to help me. He said that the love between a father and son is unconditional and that there isn't anything that we can't overcome together. He said he only wants for me to be happy. That he misses hearing me laugh. I told him that I have done my best to carry this weight for a long time, but that it has become too great. He said that when I get into town, he and I can have a nice long talk and work things out. He again said that there is nothing that will make him love me any less and that there is nothing we can't overcome. God, I love my dad.

So, we will see what happens. I still have no idea what he suspects might be weighing on me. None of the things he was asking me about gave any clue as to what he thinks. In any event, I am still scared as hell about telling him, but I'm strangely at peace about it. Let's hope this is the beginning of the end for me having to live my life as someone I'm not.

For Mirrorboy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIRRORBOY!!!

Mirrorboy is a very special person to a lot of us, but he has a special place in my heart and always will. I really feel as though he is my little brother, and in some ways i feel closer to him than my real brother. When i first came across his blog last November, it felt as though i was reading about my own teenage years. As such, i felt an instant connection to him. He is the first person i came out to ever. He has been a great friend and a shoulder to cry on and has always been there to talk even when things weren't going so good on his end. I consider him to be one of my best friends, online or in real life. So, if you haven't already, head over to his blog and wish him a very happy birthday.

I love you buddy, and hope you have a fantastic birthday!

What's the point?

I have been doing a great deal of soul searching over the past few weeks, even more than usual. About coming out to my family, about living a long, painful lonely life and dying alone, about finding someone to love who will love me back, about the purpose of my existence, and back to being alone. I have had sleep issues for most of the last 15 years or so, and have been doing battle with depression for 20 years. The sleepless days and nights are caused by depression, and the depression is caused by being closeted, alone, and without purpose. So, i lay in bed staring at the ceiling, glancing at the clock, watching time slowly advance, and ponder my existence.

I was brought up in a Christian home. After my parents divorced, my mom was "born again" and would drag my sister, brother, and i to church every Sunday. It was shortly after this that i pretty much figured out that i'm gay. I was still trying to convince myself that i would marry a girl and have a family, etc for years after, but deep inside somewhere i knew that would never happen. I was a pretty lonely kid before then, so this only further served to deepen the loneliness i felt. I am pretty shy, and always have been, so making friends has never been an easy thing for me. But, that's ok, coz now i've got God on my side. He will help me to feel better, not so lonely. For years and years i prayed to God to ease my pain, help me find my way, help the loneliness to go away. Those prayers have still gone unanswered almost 20 years later. Eventually i came to realize that the reason my prayers were going unanswered is that no one is listening. I believe that something set the universe in motion, call it god for lack of a better term, but that "god" cares nothing for us humans. Just look at all the horrible things that happen in the world on a daily basis. How could a God who loves us and cares for us allow such things to go on? I'm not saying that god would micromanage and give someone the winning lottery numbers or strike dead the neighbors dog who keeps shitting on your yard. But on a much grander scale, look at the number of innocent children who die horrible painful deaths at the hands of some wretched disease, or some sick, perverted, child molesting rapist. No loving god would allow such things to go on. That is why i am convinced that religion is an invention of man, used as a tool to give their lives purpose, justify their existence.

So, what's the point of our lives? Why do we live only to die? I go to work everyday, and work hard. But why do i go to work? Food and shelter certainly, but i could have that if i were to quit my job and get on the government dole. No, i work hard so i can have a higher standard of life. But even that is seeming rather pointless these days. It comes full circle to being alone. I want to be able to share my life with someone, and make the work i do worth while again.

But finding someone to share my life with is an extremely difficult task. I know one other gay guy, and i have been trying to get together with him to talk for 9 months, and it hasn't happened. I can't even get together to talk, let alone go out someplace with him and mingle and meet people. The other person i am out to doesn't know any gay guys that he could introduce me to. I'm not talking about romance even, just a new friend to be able to talk and relate to. So, i try to meet people online. I send out message after message, introducing myself, not being a creepo, wanting only to talk make a new friend. But i get very few replies, and of those who do reply, they all flake out and sever contact after a few messages. So i still don't have any gay friends, no way of networking, and maybe finding a partner, someone to share my life with.

I have lost something like 45 pounds, but still have a long way to go. As i slowly lose weight and get in shape, i am still getting older and older. By the time i am finally presentable and marketable, i will be pushing 40. But even if i were in shape, i still have all my emotional baggage to deal with. I am guessing that even if i did find a boyfriend, i would manage to fuck things up with my insecurity, lack of confidence, and low self esteem. I have never had a reason to have any of these things, and still don't really, so they are all foreign concepts to me. Not something i can learn overnight. So once again, time marches on and i get older and the odds of me finding someone get slimmer.

I don't even know where i am going with any of this. I know that i am in love with a guy who will never love me back, and i can accept that, but i still have feelings for him. That hurts. Love is pain to me right now. I have a crush on another guy, who is gay, but for various reasons nothing will ever come of it and he will never find out how he makes me feel. Then there is my latest crush. I met him Monday night at my favorite pizza place. He is a server there. Now, my gaydar doesn't work for shit, but he was setting off alarms. I don't know for sure if he is gay or not, but i do know he is cute, and really very nice. He is younger than me, mid 20's i'd guess. So now what? One more guy for me to admire from afar, to dream about as i lay in bed alone? I don't know when he works even, so it's gonna be hard to go in and see him. Even if he is working, i may not get seated in his section. So, once again, i like a guy who i don't know for sure is gay, and who will be difficult to judge if he is being nice because it's his job, or if he's interested. He seems like a really sweet, nice guy. I am a horrible flirt, and i get really nervous talking to guys i like. But what do i have to offer him? He could get a much younger, better looking guy than me. I can't help but feel like i am setting myself up for failure by even entertaining the idea of asking him out.

My mind is drifting, i have a headache, and my eyes are burning. I need to lay down. Sorry for the random post. I doubt any of it makes any sense at all. I still can't find any purpose to my existence. Life seems to be one big monumental waste of time. I hope i'm wrong, but i really don't think i am.

thank you

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who commented and emailed me about my last post. I have been really busy, so i haven't had the time to reply to each comment individually, but i will as soon as i can. I've also been falling behind on reading and commenting on others blogs as well. Sorry for slacking off here. I try to read what i can on my iPhone on my breaks at work, but commenting is kind of a pain. I'll try and catch up soon. I guess i have been pretty depressed and really stressing out over how i should proceed with coming out. I need to be myself, and try to find some happiness in life, but fear of the unknown is incredibly powerful... I don't want to ruin relationships with my family, the people who are closest to me. i don't want to be alone. I want to be honest, and really be myself. So much i need to do, and so little time remains. Once again, thanks to everyone who reads my little blog. Only one thing is certain...as Mirrorboy said, if i weren't gay and confused and frustrated, i never would have met all of you wonderful people.

WARNING:

This post is depressing as fuck. Read further at your own risk.

My dad and i are really close, and have been for as long as i can remember. I was his shadow when i was a little kid, and it really tore me apart when my parents got divorced and my dad moved away. Eventually, about seven years after my parents split, i went to live with my dad. That was when i was about 14, and by that time i had already pretty much figured out that i was gay. Granted, i lived in denial of that fact, and tried to convince myself i was bi, but i knew i liked boys and knew what it meant to be gay.

My point is, my dad is my best friend. Although i don't get to see him much (he lives 2000 miles away), we talk on the phone four or five times a week. That i'm gay is the only secret i have kept from my dad. For years and years, i have agonized over this. How will he react if i tell him? Will he still love me? Will our friendship be ruined?

On Sunday afternoon, i had a rather eye opening conversation with my dad. Somehow or another, the topic of the movie Top Gun came up. My dad mentions that he has heard that Kelly McGillis, "that hot blonde in Top Gun", has come out as being as lesbian after all these years. My dad said he heard that she said she has known since she was 12 or something. So, i try to tell him how i feel, with out being too detailed or anything, and relate to him my experience with out telling him that i am in fact gay. You know, how a lot of people who are gay have known since a very early age, how society and peer pressure can force people to stay in the closet, how that causes the person in the closet a lot of grief and unhappiness, stuff like that. My dad just grumbled something and said it with a real "oh, whatever" sort of attitude. Great...this isn't looking so good for me.

I changed the subject a little bit, and brought up gay marriage. I talked about how hung up people are with gays in general, and how gays should be entitled to the same rights as everyone else. He says something to the effect of "well, i have the right two not see to guys kissing on the street, and i ought to be able to kick their asses if i do". I was speechless for a moment, and so stunned that all i could muster was "i wouldn't go that far". OK, so the "kick their asses" comment was said half in jest, as my dad wouldn't really just kick someones ass without being provoked. But, i think he made it really clear that he in no way approves of gays. I would venture a guess that he still labors under the falsehood that being gay is a choice.

So, bottom line, if i come out to my dad, i loose my best friend. Period. It will destroy our relationship. Without my dad's love and friendship, i will have nothing left. My life will be void of anything of worth.

My dad knows about my depression. He is worried about me because of it. When we talk about it, he always asks me what i think may be causing it, and of course i can't tell him it stems from being closeted and being alone for so many years. Coming out would certainly explain many things and help him to understand why i have been depressed and unhappy since i was 15, maybe even earlier. But that explanation will come at a high cost.

I fucking HATE being gay. It has brought me nothing but sadness, pain, depression and endless torment of my soul. If there is an up side to being born gay, i have yet to find it. So here is the situation as i see it: i can either have the love and friendship of my dad and other family members, or i can come out and finally be able to be myself, and if i'm a really good boy, maybe i will find a boyfriend before i die. At least the way things are now, i have someone (my dad) who i know loves me and who i can talk to, etc. If i come out completely, there is still no guarantee i will find a boyfriend and true love. Given how shitty my luck has been in trying to get a date online, and that i can't tell who is gay and/or interested in me in the real world and that i haven't had a guy hit on me since my senior year of high school, i would guess that i'm heading towards an eternity of loneliness. So, even if i do win the gay lottery and find a guy who loves me and makes me happy, i am still never going to be whole. I can either have the love of my family (guaranteed) or i can have the love of a boyfriend (not guaranteed, or even likely), but not both. Here's the real kicker: i need to come out before i have a fucking meltdown. So, it's not a matter of if i will be disowned by my family, but a matter of when. The only real variable is if i will find a guy that not only do i love (i got one of those already, and that is a source of yet more anguish and longing), but will love me in return. Some fucking world we live in.

Purving in traffic.

Today, something very unusual happened. I actually enjoyed sitting in traffic. The weather was beautiful today, sunny and warm. So anyway, as i'm creeping along at 5 mph i see a couple really fit, cute guys on the sidewalk (shirtless btw :p). I enjoy the eye candy, and lucky me, there are MORE cute, fit, shirtless guys up ahead! Turns out they were having a car wash to raise money for something or other (somehow i missed what the sign had printed on it...go figure). I can't remember the last time i've seen so many cute guys in swimwear in one place. As an extra bonus, the longest traffic light in the state is on the corner where the car wash was being held. Extra time to purve... :D If i hadn't already been running late for work, i would have stopped by to have my car washed. I wonder if the cuties washing the cars would have found it odd that i was stopping to have my squeaky clean car washed? LOL.

Other than me being even more purvy than usual, its was a rather unremarkable day, in another unremarkable week. Ugh...only three more shifts until my weekend. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Byez.