Oh how i wish i were on Maui...

Yes, this makes two posts in just a few hours. I had meant to put these pics on my previous post detailing my big news, but it took on a life of its own. Anyway, it's cold, windy and raining outside. I like the moody weather the Pacific Northwest offers up for the winter months. But after my trip to Maui last September, i was bit by the tropical paradise bug. Maui is the most beautiful place i have ever been. Heaven on Earth is barely an adequate description. I hope you enjoy this little view of Heaven.



^ The beach in front of our hotel, 50' from my room.




^ Sunset on Kaanapali Beach.




^ Iao Valley.




^ Waihee Beach.




^ The rugged north coast of Maui.




^ The road to Hana.




^ Haleakala National Park.




^ Looking north from the Haleakala summit.




^ Maui's west shore.




^ Lava flow on the south end of Maui.

The Start Of Something Beautiful

Here we go. I am entering completely foreign territory. I am beginning an exciting yet terrifying phase of my life. Well, i guess it's OUR life now. Yes, E is moving in with me. On Friday last week, he gave notice at his apartment terminating his rental agreement. No going back now.

I'm simultaneously elated and mortified by the prospect of have E move in with me. Obviously, i love him very much or i wouldn't ask him to move in with me. And it should be equally obvious that he loves me very much or he wouldn't have agreed to move in. But for as much as i love him and want to maximize my time spent with him, the pessimist in me keeps injecting doubt into my thought process and making me wonder if this is such a good idea. I am a fairly private person, and something of an introvert. I like my quiet time, going for hikes in the woods and not having anyone around to bother me. People are pests to me. I don't much care for most people. I am antisocial. No offense to any of you, my dear readers. I have people in my life that mean the world to me and without whom things just wouldn't be the same. But lets just say going to a bar and being surrounded by a bunch of drunken idiots that i don't know isn't my idea of fun. I much prefer small gatherings of close knit friends in my own home, or even better, their home. As such, even with people i love dearly, i require a fair amount of personal space sometimes. So how will i adjust to having someone else living in my house with me? How will i adjust to having strangers (E's friends) violating the sanctity of my home? What will i do when i can't come home from a late shift at work and crank my stereo up to 11 and unwind because E is in bed sleeping already?

On the other side of that coin, i am ready to take mine and E's relationship to the next level. I want to start building our life TOGETHER. I want to come home from work and have my loving man there to greet me and give me a kiss. I want to have someone to talk to after a particularly rough day. I want to have someone to keep me warm on cold nights. I want o be able to do all those things for someone as well. So despite my doubts, i still think E moving in is the right decision.

I'm not alone in my trepidation. E has been hurt and betrayed twice before. Once he was left homeless after his crazy boyfriend kicked him out and once he was left with an apartment and bills he couldn't afford on his own after his cheating boyfriend left him all alone. He doesn't want either of those things to happen again. All i can do is assure him i'm not like that, but i'm sure his past boyfriends all said the same thing. And then E's mother (who loves him and cares for him but disapproves of his gay lifestyle "choice") has to interject yet more doubt into his mind. She brings up his forthcoming trip to Rome, and asks what happens if i'm not there for him when he returns, or i decide i don't want him here anymore or if he decides he doesn't want me anymore when he returns? So now he's all freaked out and wondering if he made the right choice by deciding to move in with me where he once was certain he had.

Either way, it's happening. E is moving in with me. I think our mutual uneasiness will prove to be a good thing for us as we will both have greater respect for each others space and boundaries. We have been a couple for almost 14 months. We are nearly an old married couple by gay standards. It hasn't been easy, but we both put in a lot of work in keeping our relationship strong. I think we can do this. I think this is the start of something beautiful.

Still alive???

No, this blog has not been abandoned. I know, it's been nearly three months since my last post. But really, there just hasn't been too much happening. I haven't been inspired to write much either. But, i thought i'd drop in to see if there is still anyone out there who reads this. To be honest, i haven't read a blog in ages. I simply don't have the time these days. I still keep in touch with a few people and think about all the friends i made by blogging often. But everyone grow and moves on it seems.

I want a new car. I love my S5, and my daily driver A4 is a good machine. There are only a few things i want to change about the A4 to make it a car i love. For one, i wish it had all the minor convenience technology goodies such as rain sensing wipers, automatic headlights, auto-dimming mirrors, HID headlights, etc. I also want factory navigation. The little Garmin i have is a piece of shit. Unless one has an actual street address, the thing is fucking useless. The biggest thing i wish my car had is a bigger engine. The 2.0T is strong and has plenty of power, but it sounds cheap. It sounds just like E's little Mazda. Oh well, less than two years left on the lease. I would love an S4, maybe even a BMW 550i Xdrive...

Winter has set in here in the Pacific Northwest. A few weeks ago we were hit with a pretty nasty wind storm. There were sustained wind speeds of 60 mph and gusts to 75 mph in some areas. Getting home was a pain in the ass on that night as there were wide spread power outages and trees and power lines down all over the place. Luckily, i had electricity when i got home from work, which was very surprising. Normally all it takes for my power to go out is for some fat bastard to cut a fart. I've had more power outages in my current home than all the other places i've lived combined, including the tornado prone mid-western United States.

The week of Thanksgiving we were hit with snow. I got about four inches at my house. I hate the fucking snow. Yes it's quite beautiful, but it makes getting around a real fucking headache. It took me an hour and 45 minutes to get home from work, normally al 35 minute trip. It's not my driving ability or my car that are the problem. I learned how to drive in snow and have an all-wheel drive car. I actually find driving in snow sort of fun. But, the vast majority of drivers here can't drive on dry roads, let alone icy, snow covered roads. Far too many people who shouldn't be out on the streets are driving to the mall or the movies on their snow-induced day off from work. I have no choice, i need to go to work. There are no snow days for me. But all the stupid assholes who couldn't make it to work because of the snow seem to be out and about fucking off, getting in my way as i try to get to work. I'm sorry, if the fucking snow prevented you from being productive and going to work, you shouldn't be allowed out of your home unless it's an emergency. If you're able to get to the mall to shop, you should be able to get to work. I'm ready to go back to Maui.

It's not Maui, but i am heading to the Oregon coast in a week and a half for five days. I love the Oregon coast in winter. The cold, crisp sea air, the crashing waves, with howling wind, the moody fog and cloud cover. The place i stay is right on the beach, has a warm gas fireplace and a jetted tub in the room, and a king size bed for cuddling with the boyfriend. I can't wait!

Speaking of the boyfriend, we are talking about him moving in with me finally. I'm both excited and terrified by the prospect. I love him with all my heart, but i've never had a live in boyfriend and am wondering how i will handle having someone here with me 24/7/365. I like to have my space but i also love having him around. Quite the pickle.

E has also been accepted into a foreign study program. This means he will be in Europe for two months and having the time of his life, and i will be left alone. It sucks. I hate the thought of not having him by my side for two solid months. He makes me happy, and on some days he is all i have to get me through. I wonder how i will get by without him to talk to, to hold, to kiss and comfort me. He says "it's only two months, it'll go by fast." Well, sure, for him it will. He will be busy doing things and going wonderful places and seeing all sorts of new things. For me it will be the same old shit, minus the man i love. And i won't be there to kick the asses of all the European boys who will be hitting on him and trying to steal him from me. I trust him 100%, but he is a very sexy guy and i'm sure he will have occasion to be tempted by the fruit of another as it were. And as much as technology will allow us to communicate and see each other visually, it's just not an acceptable substitute for having him here with me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or some such bullshit.

Well, it's 2:30am and i need to get some sleep. Until next time...

It's been a while...

A very long while. So, how is everyone? Doing well i hope. Things are the same as ever here. This won't be much of a post, as i'm fairly tired. Anywho, i finally broke down and bought a new bicycle. Two of them in fact. First is a Trek 2.1 road bike. It's so light and fast! I took two minutes off my best ride time of last year (when i was in much better shape) on my first ride. I'm hoping to ride in the Seattle to Portland next year. The other new bike is a Trek 6000 mountain bike. Took that bad boy out for a trial run up (and down) a trail on Mount Rainier a few weeks ago. Front suspension and hydraulic disc brakes makes for a sweet riding experience. What an awesome bike!

I'm finishing up my last few days of vacation for the year as i write this. I got home from Maui, Hawaii on Tuesday night. Ugh, it sure sucks donkey balls to be home. This was my first trip to Hawaii. In any event, i am in love with the place. It really is Heaven on Earth. It was in the mid 80's everyday, warm and sunny (i've got a tan for the first time in years) and the ocean was like bath water (unlike the year round frigid water of the ocean near me). I want to go back and never leave. At least i got to fly first class. I drank as many little tiny bottles of booze as i could in the five and a half hours i was on the aircraft. And champagne before departure definitely takes the edge off having to go from paradise.

It has been nearly 11 months since i started dating E. Things are still on track, but i think the novelty is wearing off for him. For example, he doesn't like to cuddle on the couch and watch TV or movies. He prefers to have his "own space". And when i tried to hold his hand the other day he asked me "Aren't you past that yet?". I guess i just need more physical contact than he does. I just wish he'd meet me half way more often instead of turning on the ice machine and playing Mr. Cool. I know we all have different needs, but it sometimes seems like i'm more in love with him than he is with me. I almost feel bad for wanting to cuddle and be close to him when he says he wants space (which is more often than not). I feel like i'm imposing on him or smothering him. But, i still have my needs and i like to be close to him (despite the fact i don't like other people to touch me or hug me or be close to me). I feel comforted when we are close. Oh well, time will tell. I guess we haven't come this far for no reason.

i got a sorta-kinda promotion at work. I haven't decided if i am going to accept it yet though because i will lose a little pay due to the fact i won't be getting Sunday pay or night differential anymore. But, it's a perfect stepping stone to getting into management, so i probably will accept the appointment. After all, if i have to endure some office job for a year or so in order to get into a management spot with a very handsome pay raise, i guess it will be worth it.

Well, i'm beat. Time for bed after a strong drink and a listen to some nice relaxing music (i'm thinking Alkan).

People are stupid.

Not all of them, mind you. But most. Why do i say this you ask? Well, i'll tell you. Some punk ass bitch on a rice burning crotch rocket was apparently too busy eyeing up the skeezy ho across the street from him to see my highly illuminated (i mean, the fucking thing has two strips of LED running lights, HID headlamps, fog lamps, side markers, LED turn signals in the side mirrors, etc.) car making a legal turn in front of him and decided to impress said skeez ho by gunning his sewing machine with wheels and plowing into the side of my car. The same car i waited four months for after my previous car was totaled last year by another oxygen thieving co-inhabitant of our lovely little planet. And even though i had the right of way, and had signaled my intentions, and was fully stopped in the center turn lane directly in front of the mouth breather who hit me for a good 30 seconds before commencing my turn and saw his dumb ass sitting there the entire time, the lazy, needle-dicked donut eating prick of a cop who finally arrived at the scene to take names and statements didn't issue the moron who hit me a citation for failure to yield! Cops are useless.

Other than that, nothing much new going on. E and i are fighting like cats and dogs lately and i don't know why. I don't like most of his friends, yet i attend functions and parties where the majority of the people there are his friends. So even though i'm only going because he wants to go, he gets pissed at me because i'm not having a good time. He gets pissed at me when he asks why i'm not having a good time and i tell him it's because most of the people i'm surrounded by are burned out druggies/ex-druggies who do nothing but stay at home in their government funded housing and smoke pot and collect their welfare checks and don't actually contribute anything to society. Nothing wrong with smoking pot, but at least have a fucking job and be able to support your habit so i don't have to. And the ones who do have jobs are still a drag on society and don't even come close to contributing to the system anything near what they take from it. I like a couple of his friends just fine. They are fun and kind and caring people. He gets pissed when i'm irritated and stressed out and bitch about having to go to work and pay taxes and deal with the lazy, stupid people that infest our country. Well, excuse me Mr. I-can-smoke-pot-and-am-not-subject-to-random-drug-screenings-and-am-all-mellowed-out. I don't have the luxury of being able to roll a fatty and get stoned to mellow out after a long, hard day. And what do you have to be stressed out about anyway? You work part time for your internship, have everything taken care of for you by me, your grants and the Bank of Mom and Dad and don't have any real expenses or worries. I love you dearly, but you really need a reality check.

Meh, this is turning into a real bitchfest. Guess i'll wrap it up, have a drink and come on back when i have something nice to say.

All the news that is news.

Hello everybody. It's been a while since i last posted. But honestly, there isn't really too much worth mentioning going on lately. Work is getting increasingly annoying. Since changing crews in March, it's been a constant struggle forcing myself out of bed (even if it is at one in the afternoon). My God, some of the people i work work are far beyond annoying. They are intolerable. I hate going to work. Management on this side of the crew is no better. They micromanage to excess. Ugh... On a better note, i interviewed for the management position i applied for. I think i did fairly well, and sounded confident when being asked all sorts of ridiculous questions. Even better, only five people applied for the position. So, i have a 20 percent chance of getting the job right off the bat. Besides the prospect of promotion, about the only thing i like about work anymore (since all my work friends are on opposite schedules now) is training. I am an instructor at work and really like being able to teach new people how to do the job. Not to sound to conceited, but i am very good at my job. I think thats why i am so unhappy. It's just become incredibly boring. Once in a while, something interesting happens and i have to act fast to keep the situation under control, but most of the time its routine. Oh well, perhaps i'll get the promotion and will have something else to keep me entertained at work for a while.

One thing that really grates on me lately is this bullshit "click it or ticket" seat belt campaign. Yeah, it's been going on for a while in my state, and really isn't anything new. But when i hear the fucking cops whine about not having enough officers to adequately patrol and enforce meaningful laws and protect the citizens of their state, county, municipality, etc. one moment, and i see a TV ad the next telling me how the lazy pigs are stepping up patrols to specifically target people who aren't wearing their seat belts, i get kind of pissed off. I mean seriously, are there not more serious crimes the goddamn fucking cops should be concerned with? I guess there is very little risk in pulling over a soccer mom driving a mini van who isn't wearing her seat belt when compared to hunting down dangerous, armed criminals like murderers and rapists and child molesters. But hey, as long as the pigs are safe and sound passing out tickets for seat belt infractions, and the ticket revenue keeps pouring in to financially irresponsible government agencies who can't seem to make due with the already excessive taxation they impose upon their citizens, what does it matter if actual criminals who pose a risk to someone other to themselves are running around free?

*deep breath*

I've got tickets to see "Fiddler On The Roof" this Friday. That should be a lot of fun, as i've never seen a live theater production before, with the exception of a local production of "Jesus Christ Superstar" a long time ago. I bought the tickets as a surprise for E for our six month anniversary. He had mentioned that he liked this show and when i saw that it was coming to town, i scooped up some great seats. Needless to say, E is very excited.

Speaking of E, we are celebrating seven months together next week. Time sure flies when one is having fun! I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but i really do love him more with each passing day. Sure, we have our arguments about things, but we always make up quickly and move on. We both have our own set of issues that we are working through, and we are patient with each other and willing to stick it out and make things work. I am so eternally grateful for him, it literally renders me speechless sometimes.

E has got me hooked on a TV series called "Mad Men". It's basically a drama about the lives of advertising executives set in the early 1960's. E bought the first season on DVD at a going out of business sale at a local video store and we were both hooked from the first few episodes. I went out and bought seasons two and three and we are half way through season two after only one weekend. What happens next? I can't wait to find out! What really worries me is this...what happens when i run out of DVD's? Eeeek! I'd rather not think about it...

It would appear that April showers only bring May showers. I am ready for sun! I am way out of shape. I took a bike ride for the first time in a few weeks a couple of days ago and i was really slow. I did make it the full 21 miles of my standard route, but it took me 10 minutes longer and i was 4 MPH slower on average. I deffo need to ride more, and i am still in need of a new road bike. I'm thinking the Trek Madone 4.7. I also want to upgrade my mountain bike to something with front suspension, maybe even full suspension. I took E to Mount Rainier last weekend for a 10 mile hike. It was wonderful. I love Mount Rainier. One of my favorite places. Lucky for me, E likes hiking. But, E is used to hiking in more urban settings such as large city parks with unpaved trails. So, this was fun for him even though he was a bit unprepared for the difficulty of the hike. I admit, i'm a bit out of shape too, so this was a good warm up for some epic hikes this summer.

Well, i've taken up enough of your valuable time with my long winded, half-psychotic ramblings. Hope everything is fine and well for all of you out there! See you again soon.

Oh yeah, how fucking cool is this gonna be?!?!?!

Some really random shit.

Some days, i seriously question why i even bother getting out of bed. This whole week has been like that. Just a miserable son-of-a-bitch. Goes back to last Saturday i guess...

My boyfriend is still in college. He got laid off from his job a few years ago and took the opportunity to go back to school. Good for him. Really. I did the same thing. Only i quit a perfectly good job to go back to school and pursue a new career (which pays really well, but bores the living shit out of me these days and puts too many restrictions on what i can do with my personal life, i.e random drug tests, can't get treated for certain medical conditions). But i digress... Anyway, as a full time college student at a highly regarded university, E doesn't have much in the way of free time. I am lucky to have him for the little time i do on Friday nights and Saturdays. Well, most of Saturday now. His latest school project has him doing all sorts of crazy shit schedule wise and now he needs 5 hours out of Saturday to do this stuff for school. Fucking great. I don't get to see him all goddamn week and the ONE FUCKING DAY i should be able to spend time with him is now occupied by his school work. I guess i'm being a bit selfish, but FUCK. I work my ass off all week long, earning a living so i can have nice stuff and buy nice stuff for E and provide a secure future for the both of us, and now i can't even have one goddamn fucking day to spend with the man i love? Jesus Christ on a crutch. How frustrating.

I think i mentioned in a previous post how i took new days off (actual weekends off for once) in order to spend more time with E. See how that's backfired on me... What really annoys me isn't that he's gone five fucking hours out of the one day a week i get with him, but rather we can't plan a fucking thing to do. Can't plan an overnight trip, can't go for a hike (i mean the time he needs is from 11am until about 4pm, right in the middle of the goddamn day for fuck sake), can't go for a day trip, can't do a fucking thing. And come Sunday morning, POOF!!! he's gone for another week and i'm left wondering what the fuck.

On an unrelated note, E says i swear too much. Especially the "F" bomb. I wonder what the fuck he's talking about....

Anywho, i guess i just needed to vent. I know he's only doing what he needs to do. But what about me? I don't get any time with my man, i don't get to de-stress from the Hell that my job has become (unless you count the vast quantities of liquor i now consume), and i go back to work the next week more stressed out than i was the previous week.

My job is high stress (and those of you who know what i do will know what i mean). But despite it's stress levels, it bores me to death. Its always the same old shit. And not to blow my own horn, but i'm really good at what i do and it's really quite easy for me. This one does this, that one does that, everyone lives. But should i fuck up... Not that i would ever fuck up. So, i am an instructor at work. I warp young, impressionable minds into twisted voids of insanity. I really enjoy teaching. It's the only thing i like about my job anymore, and even it is becoming stale. So, i did the unthinkable...i bid on a management position. Yep, i'm now a traitor in the eyes of my peers. But fuck them anyway, i'll be the one laughing when i get the $30k a year pay increase AND get to tell them what to do!

Still, i wonder if i will be happy with that for long. I seem to get bored easily and need something new relatively frequently. But with all the bullshit of my job, i still can't have any real fun in my free time because of all the restrictions my job places on my personal life. It really annoys me that i can't have any fun, especially considering E smokes pot on occasion. I want to be able to have that to share with him. And my stupid fucking job won't let me. With the stress levels my job provides me, smoking a joint now and then would probably really do me some good. I'd probably drink a lot less. Time to find a new career. One that pays six figures and gives me some personal freedoms.

Depression has really been fucking with me lately. Yet another "benefit" of my job...just being diagnosed as "depressed" would cost me my employment, and forget about getting treatment. So, i get to suffer. E has mild depression (who doesn't these days), but my condition is a bit more serious than just being depressed. Both he and i have self diagnosed me with something more than just depression. Again, i lose my job if my employer finds out. Maybe i shouldn't be talking about this here... Whatever. You guys won't tattle on me, will you. But i do have one blessing. E. He loves me despite my condition and the mood swings and the shit i put him through from time to time. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that. He loves me. No matter what.

Well, if that isn't a random ass collection of thoughts, i don't know what is.

By the way, FUCK YOU, COMCAST!!! LICK MY FUCKING BALLS!!! I'M SICK OF PAYING GOOD FUCKING MONEY FOR YOUR SHITTY SERVICE!!! Oh, sorry, XFINITY. Whatever. You still FUCKING SUCK! Come on people, It's 2010. Getting reliable cable TV, internet and phone service shouldn't be such a problem. You wouldn't believe how often my cable goes out, or my phone, or perhaps worst of all, my internet. Good fucking God. What brought that on you ask? My cable is out AGAIN!!! The second time tonight. and when you call to ask why your $70/month cable TV is out for the second time in one evening? That's right, no dial tone on my phone. Lucky i still have internet, for now. This shit is enough to piss off the Pope.

OK, i'm having a bad day, can't you tell??? Sorry for being so grouchy. I hope it was at least amusing.

Oh yeah, i gave E a key to my house. I'm thinking of asking him to move in with me soon (especially considering that he lives in a shitty neighbourhood and i worry about him). BIG step, kind of scares me...

Until next time...

P.S. (Who actually reads this shit anyway? Should i even bother writhing this blog anymore?)

Awesome.

Awesome is the only word i can think of to describe the Muse concert i attended last Friday. Even if viewed from a purely musical standpoint, the performance was awesome. Such incredible song writing and arranging skills, and spot on musicianship are rarely seen in artists these days. The songs inspire and make one move and think and emote. But it wasn't just great songs played well (although Muse have great songs and play them well). It was the show. Brilliant use of green lasers and multi-colored LED spotlights and other lighting combined with the stage set (three sky scraper platforms that descend into the stage). My seats weren't the best (even though i bought them pre-sale, the best i could get was second level at some odd angle to the stage...pre-sale is a crock of shit). Despite the less than great seats, the mix wasn't too bad and the volume of the PA was loud but not deafening or harsh. Muse opened with "Uprising", possibly one of their best songs ever and played a good mix of songs from albums old and new alike. The Silversun Pickups opened for Muse and were just amazing to see live too.

I missed the first song from the Silversun Pickups as traffic getting to the venue was as fucked as i'd ever seen Seattle traffic. It took a full half an hour to travel just two miles. Of course, asshole drivers zipping past the line of cars patiently waiting their turn to exit the freeway and going to the head of the line and stopping traffic until someone let them in didn't help matters any. One stupid asshole found out he was fucking with the wrong fag. The guy almost hit my car as he was trying to weasel his way in front of me just a couple car lengths from the end of the exit lane. I held my ground and he had to get behind me. He then had the balls to roll his window down and shout something to me about being a stupid fag, blah blah blah. Seeing as how traffic wasn't moving anyway, i took the opportunity to calmly put my car in park, get out and ask this prick just what the FUCK his problem was. I stated that if he wished to spend the next few weeks in a hospital bed recovering from untold injuries, that he should by all means continue his present course of action. If, however, he wanted to spend his weekend breathing unassisted and moving under his own power, that he should offer and immediate apology. I said all of this in a fairly calm and cool tone of voice. This obviously had an effect on him, as he was stammering out his apology giving excuses as to why he was acting like such a prick within half a second of me ending my little speech. I was back in my car and on my merry way and i didn't even hold up traffic. The idiot kept about five car lengths back even though we were only traveling at half a mile an hour. Eventually, some other cars merged from another lane and i didn't see him again. It felt good to put this prick in his place.

I met the boyfriends psycho Christian parents for the first time on Sunday. He invited me over (with their permission) for Easter dinner. His parents are really nice people, but they don't much like gays and aren't really thrilled that their son is gay. My bf was REALLY stressed about the whole thing because of how past boyfriends have been received by his parents. But, things went fairly well and he said that his parents actually like me, despite the fact i get gay with their son. Maybe it's because i'm not a bum and have real career unlike bf's past. The food was really great too. His dad is an exceptional cook. But i was a bit nervous after hearing horror stories about how things have gone with past bf's. But he seems to think things are OK with the parents this time. He also seems to think this is a huge step in our relationship as well, as he said he has only ever brought home guys he is really serious about. He sent me a text after i took him home to tell me just how much he loves me and that he loves me no matter what. That made me happy. He also said he misses me already, even though we had only been apart for about 45 minutes. I miss him too...

Sunday also marked five months that i have been seeing my bf. Wow. Has it really been five months?! We are practically an old married couple in terms of gay relationships. There has been some talk about moving in together in the not too distant future. I'm a little scared about that honestly. I'm happy about having him around all the time, but that's a huge step. And he's my first real boyfriend. So, first time having a live in boyfriend is spooky. I am scared about him being my first serious relationship too. I wonder if that concerns him? I wonder if he worries that i will get bored with him and want to try something new with someone else. I of course won't do that. I love him so much i don't have the words to express it. I am concerned too, because everyone always warns me about not going to crazy over the first guy i fall in love with, that first relationships never last. I think they're wrong and i would be perfectly happy with him for the rest of my life. I mean, anyone who knows just how fucked up i am and STILL loves me? He's deffo a keeper!

Well, this has been long winded enough. Time to sign off. I hope you all had a nice Easter.

Until next time...

As promised....

Here are your pictures from my trip. I took several hundred photos, so this is a very small sampling of what i took. Naturally, i'm keeping the best ones for myself. I mean, i can't have my best photos out there for people to steal off the interwebs. And yes, these are my photos, so no use of the photos i post on this blog by anyone, anywhere without my permission. I'm a greedy, selfish bastard, aren't i? That is, assuming anyone would want to use my photos. At any rate, the trip was fantastic. I really didn't want to leave. The bf and i had a great time, and it was so wonderful to have him all to myself for almost a week. I'm a bit buzzed as i write this, so i hope i don't get too carried away. Being back "home" really sucks. I fucking hate it here. The crowds, the prickish people, all of it. And i fucking hate going to work every day. The politics and bullshit really wear me down and depress me. Yeah, depression is still a problem despite having a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. He knows about my depression and sticks with me despite my periodic moodiness and melancholy. I feel so bad for putting him through what i do, but i can't help who i am. Despite it all, he loves and accepts me good and bad alike. What a blessing he is. I only wish my job would allow me to get treatment for my depression. But alas, even the diagnosis of depression would spell the end of my career (my work is dependent upon me keeping a medical clearance and depression is disqualifying). Too bad they do random drug testing too. I'm sure smoking pot would help correct my various conditions.

Windows Vista is a steaming pile of shit. I have Windows 7 on my desktop (better than Vista, but still not great), and my main laptop is a Mac (as will be every new computer i buy from now on). But my old laptop ran Vista. I fucking hate it. So, i finally put to use the unlimited license copy of Windows XP i've had sitting around for a couple of years (i got it from a friend who got it from sources who shall remain nameless lol). Yes, it's genuine. And legal. I installed it on my old laptop. What a bitch. I had to change some obscure setting in the BIOS in order for set-up to recognize my hard drive and install XP. I hate Hewlett Packard, as they do everything in their power to make sure you can't do anything to the computer you bought from them other than re-install the factory OS and software. It took me for fucking ever to hunt down drivers for my installed hardware that was compatible with Windows XP (fucking HP only offers drivers for Vista on their website). But fuck them, i'm a determined mother fucker. I am now running Windows XP without all the bullshit software and garbage HP insists on dumping on consumers. This old laptop rocks now! Soooooo fast and *SHOCK* it doesn't crash every two minutes.

I'm going to see Muse on Friday!!! Should be absolutely amazing! And the Silversun Pickups are opening! BONUS!!! I love them too!

But i digress... Here are the photos at last. Let me know what you think, won't you?


^ Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach from my balcony



^ Giant tree (6 feet in diameter) fallen across my hiking trail



^ Neahkahnie Mountain (and the Pacific Ocean) as viewed from the trail



^ The view from atop Neahkahnie Mountain



^ The Oregon Coast from atop Neahkahnie Mountain



^ Sunset at Cannon Beach

Oh yeah...

I almost forgot. March 15th marked one year I have been writing this little blog. Woot. And today (March 19th) is the one year mark for my coming out. It was one year ago today that I first came out to someone I knew personally in real life. I've come pretty far in a year. I'd write more, but I'm writing this on my iPod touch and I'm tired and not too many people will read it anyway lol. Cheers!

Hellooooooooo....

What a week. I have been so swamped with work and other obligations that i have not had much time to even let my brain rest. As i write this, i have a splitting headache. It feels as though there is a black hole at the center of my head trying to consume my very being. Everything is starting to bloom and bud in my part of the world, so seasonal allergies are driving me fucking bonkers at the moment as well.

At any rate, i am in a state of upheaval right now. As many of you who i have talked to on MSN know, my work schedule has been rather hectic. I was working days, evenings and overnight shifts all within the cozy confines of a single work week. Week, after week, after week. Three years worth of weeks in fact. And my days off (Tuesday and Wednesday) sucked. At least i thought they did. Now i'm not so sure. So, after 3 years of shit hours and days off, i finally have enough seniority to get "normal" days off. For the first time in my career, i have weekends off. Normal, Saturday and Sunday weekends. Now, the only reason i bid that schedule is to spend more time with "E". I find the obscene amount of small minded and otherwise mentally challenged people who roam the streets free on the weekend to be very annoying and tedious. Having to battle crowds at Costco or the mall or even the goddamn woods to go for a hike for fuck sake drives me bat shit crazy. But, E is a full time student and is in class and studying and writing papers during the week. And while he was staying over at my house four nights a week, we never really got to go out or even spend more than an hour or two watching a movie or tv together. And when he had days off (Sat. and Sun.), i was at work. It sucked. I went to work Sundays with less than an hour of sleep for more than four months. In my line of work, being alert and having a functioning brain is a good thing. Needless to say, my performance was less than stellar on Sundays, as i rarely got more than a few hours of sleep the preceding nights. But no one died, so it's all good. So, when i had the opportunity to bid weekends off, i took it.

Now, there is a catch. I work all evenings, usually from 3pm until 11pm. Not too bad, because i am NOT a morning person (in fact, i find people who are chipper and cheerful in the early am hours to be highly offensive individuals). So, being able to sleep in all week long is great. But, i can't spend any time with E during the week. So, we now have Friday nights from the time i get off until sunday morning together. This means we can go out and do normal things on Saturday like a normal couple and even go out Friday night if we so choose. But, since he has a fairly old fashioned family and has Sunday dinner with them, that leaves me high and dry most of Sunday (they don't approve of his "choice" of lifestyle, and aren't too crazy about the idea of me, or any other man for that matter, being with their son). So that leaves me squarely out of the family picture.

So now instead of having E four nights a week and spending a little time together, i only have him two nights a week. I do have him all day saturday, but the weekend is sort of fucked because of his family obligations on sunday. In short, i was perfectly happy with my shitty hours and shitty days off. I took days off i'm not entirely thrilled with in order to be able to spend more time with the man i love. Now it would seem that my plan is backfiring on me. Not only do i see him two fewer nights a week, but i have to go 5 whole days without seeing him. It sucks. I miss him.

OK, i guess i shouldn't whine too much because i DO have him. I love him, and he loves me. But being without him from Sunday afternoon thru Friday night is shitty. I have work to distract me, but work is a pain in my ass and the only reason i continue going is because it pays so well. I find myself just wanting to cuddle up with him and be close to him after a long day of work. But all i have is an empty house to come home to. Well, it's not completely empty. There is plenty of wine, scotch, rum, vodka and mixers. Drinking (heavily) is a fairly expensive hobby. All of my hobbies are rather expensive come to think of it. Flying airplanes, cars, guitars, photography...

But i digress. My point is i fucked up. I should have kept my fucked up schedule. This would have been better come summer when he is out of school, as we would have had almost 3 whole days together during the week. Now all i have is one lousy day. Ugh. Seriously, UGH!!! I really do believe i was meant to be royalty or some trust fund baby who never has to work or lift a finger. I'm not cut out for work. It interferes with life and actually living way too much. I want to quit my job, move someplace tropical with my man, tend bar and smoke pot (if it weren't for random drug tests and the risk of losing my job, i would be smoking pot now and i wouldn't be so fucking stressed out all the time). No stress, no worries, no bullshit. Modern life is way to fucking complicated and messy.

On a brighter note, i have next week off and will be on vacation with E for most of it. We are hitting the Oregon Coast for some rest, relaxation, and hiking! I can't wait. My fucking head might explode if i don't get the fuck out of town for a while. We went to the coast just before Christmas last year and loved it so much that we are going back again for almost a whole week instead of just a couple of days. While i have felt very strongly for him and have had the seeds of love sown from the very beginning of our relationship, it was in Cannon Beach that i really fell 100% head over heels in love with E. I can't wait to go back. If you're good boys and girls, maybe i'll post a few pics from the trip here.

I have a brand new Nikon Nikkor VR II 18-200mm lens to try out on my Nikon D90 on this trip. It was such a pain in the ass having to switch lenses last time (my old lenses were 18-55mm and 55-200mm). Now those two lenses are in one lens with overall better optics, better vibration reduction, and i have finally bought some quality filters (had cheapo filter on my old lenses since i have been planning on replacing them with the new 18-200 for a while). I am quite the shutter bug, although i am still a fairly shitty photographer. I do love taking pictures though.

I am happy to see some sunshine and warmer temperatures recently. It means i can take my S5 out of the garage and drive it finally. I havn't had it out in the rain yet, and don't plan on it. I guess it's kind of a toy for me as opposed to being just a mode of transportation, although it certainly is that as well. But, i had it out today for the commute to work and made great time as i was doing 120 mph on the freeway interchange ramp. I was taking it a bit easy, as the break-in period isn't yet over. Legal? No. Fun? Hell yeah!

I'll close this post with a song. I haven't done one of these in a while. The video isn't the greatest, but the song is amazing. This is a track from The Mars Volta's "De-loused in the Comatorium" album. If you've never heard of The Mars Volta, well, you should give them a listen. They are fucking brilliant! Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (the mastermind of The Mars Volta) is one of those rare musical geniuses who creates music that is so full of intelligence and depth that it's beyond the taste of the lazy listeners of today. Do yourself a favor and spend five minutes listening to this song and expand your musical horizons. If you already know and love The Mars Volta, god for you! You win absolutely nothing at all!!! If, however, you don't enjoy this song, please check your pulse as you may in fact be dead.

Thank God I'm Gay.

Why is it that the people we depend upon the most in life when times get tough also are the ones who cause us the most stress and aggravation? Yes, i'm talking about family. My family are the most frustrating, maddening group of people you'd ever want to meet. I love them dearly, but some times they make me want to fucking KILL.

Mostly it's the female members of my family that bring these emotions to surface in me. Take my mother for example. Yes, she is my mom and i'm sure she loves me very much, as i do her. But she can be the most manipulative, and childish person i know. Tonight (or last night now i guess) she called to ask what i bought my boyfriend for Valentines Day, as i'd asked her what she thought about the gifts i was considering (i wound up buying him a rather pricey bottle of cologne and a gift card to the salon where he gets his hair done). After our brief convo about V-day gifts, my mom said that my sis had sent a package to my house for her and that it's scheduled to arrive tomorrow and would i please call her when it arrives. OK, sure, no problem. "Oh by the way", she says, "i didn't know if you knew or not but you are going in with your sis and dad and me in paying for your brothers honeymoon as his wedding gift." Excuse me? Did you just volunteer me to pay for one quarter of my brothers honeymoon?!?! Yes, i believe you did. "How much is that going to cost?" i ask. "Well", she says in a rather irritated tone of voice, "you don't have to if you don't want to but the rest of us are". Yes, she tries the guilt trip maneuver. I said that i'd consider it, because, well, why would i want to commit to paying for one quarter of something when i don't even know how much it will cost? Even though it's for my brother (who we will discuss later), why is it just assumed that i have bags of cash lying around to pay for OTHERS vacations ffs?

That settled, she comes around to asking if i can take her and my sister to the airport and pick them up when my sister takes my mom to Hawaii in a few months. I say, and i quote, "Sure, i guess". "Well, why wouldn't you want to?" she asks me. Well, for one, i have to get up early to take you there on my day off, two it's a fucking hour, hour and a quarter drive there, and an hour, hour and a quarter drive home times two, three it's my day off and i'm probably going to be out late the night before and running on very little sleep (yes, i know 1 and 3 are very similar). That's what i was thinking, what i said was "It's the airport.". It's at this point she gets all pissed off and says "Just forget it. Why do you have to make everything so difficult?" Well, excuse the fuck out of me! Sorry for not being all excited about having to piss away five hours of two separate days off. I didn't say that of course, but i just told her that even though it's not my idea of fun, i'd do it for her because she'd do it for me (except she's always traveling on someone elses dime and i am always getting to play taxi cab, while i ask for a ride maybe one time a year at most). But that's beside the point. Once again, she tries to make me feel guilty for not being thrilled at the prospect of sitting in traffic and jockeying for position at the departures terminal, as if i should be grateful for the opportunity. So suddenly, i'm the asshole for not being excited about having my weekend interrupted and spending hours in the car when i should be sleeping. Of course, i refuse to play her little mind fuck head game and bow down to her guilt trip, and this only serves to piss her off more. She finally just says "Just let me know when my package arrive, goodbye" and hangs up. Wow, she usually just hangs up. How childish.

Now comes act II. My sister sends me a text a few minute later asking me why i always have to give my mom such a hard time when she asks for a favor and asks just whats wrong with me. What the FUCK? My mom and my sister are thick as thieves. They are co-conspirators in making my life as difficult as possible. For example, last month my sis flew up to visit my mom after her surgery (that i had to take her to the hospital for after working all night on 1 hour of sleep and stay up for 36 fucking hours to take care of her afterward). So, the original plan was that my mom and sis would come to my house and get to meet my boyfriend and i'd cook dinner or my bf would cook for us. Cool, we can eat and drink and maybe play a game or something and they get to know "E" better. Well, the day before all this is supposed to take place, my mom calls and says my sis just wants to go out to eat. Well, why? I thought we had this all planned out. She gets all defensive and pissed off and once again i'm the asshole. Guess what? My sis sends a text and asks what the big deal is (See whats happening? The first thing my mom does is call my sister and tell her what an asshole i'm being. Nice, eh?). Whatever...do what you want. So instead of a fun family night, it's an hour at a fairly crap restaurant with mediocre food. But i'm the asshole.

After a couple more texts with my sis last night, i try and call my mom and ask what time her flights are so i can plan ahead. She doesn't answer the line. I try her mobile, no answer. I know it's on because it rings before going to voice mail instead of going right to voice mail if it were off. She's ignoring me. How typical and childish. I try her home phone again and leave a message. I then try calling my sister and the the same results. Fucking women.

My brother and i were really close when we were kids. I am the oldest and he is the youngest child. Naturally, it fell upon me to be the man of the house after my parents got divorced. I was helping support my family with my paper route money when i was 12, making sure my bro and sis were fed and walked to school and being cared for when my mom was working. My sis has always been fairly independent, but my bro, being the youngest, has always been pampered and coddled. This carries on until this day. He has been getting financial support from my mom, and to a lesser extent, me, from the time he graduated high school and moved out of my dad's house on his own and went to college. Well, he started and stopped college so many times, i lost count, even though he did earn his degree at the age of 27. Not criticizing mind you, just making some points about his nature. He doesn't care about money. He lives simple. Small apartment, few material things, etc. But he is very irresponsible with the money he does have. I still get calls from debt collectors looking for him. So, yes, i guess i was an enabler, but he's my little brother...how could i let him hang out to dry?

I guess my point is this: I am very responsible. I'm the one who gets things done, takes care of business, never slacking for even one moment. I pay my bills, i paid my way through college and got a good job and have more stuff than i can use. But i earned it. I never had anything given to me. My brother on the other hand, has always had everything handed to him on a silver fucking platter. So, why is it that i should work hard and bust my balls working a high stress job so i can pay for my brother to take a fucking honeymoon vacation? Shouldn't people be buying me a vacation for all i've done and for all my hard work?

Please don't misunderstand, i love being able to help my family. There just seems to be a slight inequity in how things are being distributed. I continue to work hard and carry the burden of responsibility, while others reap the benefit of my hard work.

That may sound like some serious whining, but goddamn, it burns my ass. I have been burdened with taking care of my kid sis and bro from an early age. I didn't have much of a childhood because of that and i missed out on a lot. They never had to worry about that. Their lives went on. And while we were very poor when we were kids, things were largely normal for my sis and bro because of my mom's hard work and dedication and because of mine. So, i sacrificed my childhood for them and i still get shit all these years later as an adult? Doesn't seem fair to me. Yeah, i know, life isn't fair. But i'm goddamn sick and fucking tired of being responsible. I want to try and regain what i lost as a kid. I want to quit my job, go on a drug bender and stay stoned for the rest of my life and sit on a beach and drink highly alcoholic but fruity tasting beverages. I won't, because responsibility is ingrained in me. Which makes my internal struggle all that much more difficult. Despite all i have, i'm sick of being me. I want to be the one who gets taken care of and doesn't have to worry about anything. I want to be the one to call upon others to bail me out when i fuck up. I want to sleep until four in the afternoon, smoke a bowl and play my guitar instead of getting up at four in the morning to go to work and being able to have only one drink when i get home because i might get random drug and alcohol screened at work. FUCK BEING RESPONSIBLE.

It seems the only one in my family who doesn't drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy is my dad. We get along like peas and carrots. He's been my best friend since i was a wee lad. We haven't always agreed on everything, but we are always able to talk about our differences in opinion. After dealing with my mom's crap, it's no wonder he divorced her. And i hate to say it, but it's no wonder my sister still hasn't married. She's a mirror image of my mother. No wonder i turned out gay for fuck sakes!!!!!!!!! (For the record, i don't believe people can be made gay, but rather we are born gay.)

So, this isn't the post i had intended to make tonight. I was going to write about some other, more relevant things. Like how much has changed for me in the last year. About how i came out to the first person i knew in real life just about a year ago, and how my life has turn down a new and wonderful road in the months that have passed since then. But the crazy women in my life had to go and get me all spooled up. And the vodka is working its magic now. I also have a wonderful man waiting for me to keep him warm in bed. So, i guess i'll say goodnight. I will make that post soon. For now, i'll just say thank God i'm gay, lest i suffer the wrath of yet another insane woman in my life.

Happy Valentines Day

...or not.

Let's see...

Yay! Muse is coming to town in April and i've got my tickets in my hot little hands. I can't wait! Good times. After three and a half months of waiting, my new S5 finally arrived a couple of weeks ago. It is, believe it or not, better than the car it replaces. The electronics in this car far surpass that of the old one. The new one also has a really slick adjustable performance differential as a part of the Drive Select system. I haven't had the chance to test it's effectiveness yet, but in theory it will make cornering performance even better than ever. It's really quite a bit of fun to drive in any event. Now, if i can only be a good boy and take it easy on it for the first 1000 miles and break it in properly. I feel quite snobbish with a new Audi A4 and a new Audi S5 in my garage. Quite snobbish.

Anyway, i'm dead fucking tired. Time for bed. Laterz.

10001110101

Happy belated new year to all of you! I sincerely hope that all of you had a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year (the "holiday season" as it is now commonly referred to as). Regardless of what one believes, one can't argue that Christmas is rooted in the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. We have holidays for everything else these days, so why is it that people are so bent on taking the "Christ" out of Christmas? I would venture to say that 90% of the shops i frequented this year said "happy holidays" instead of merry Christmas. Even when i said "Merry Christmas" to a shop clerk i got a "happy holidays" in return the majority of the time. I asked several clerks about this behavior and some told me it was against company policy to say "merry Christmas" in order to avoid offending people. Seriously? Well, i tell you what offends me is an over abundance of political correctness. Sorry, but the day is still called Christmas. I work with the public in my job and am employed by a public agency. On Christmas Eve (a day Obama declared a holiday for the purposes of letting government employees go home early) i was counseled by a supervisor at work for saying "Merry Christmas" to my "customers". (Sorry for the vagueness of my work and employment descriptions, but it's necessary to retain my anonymity. Those of you who know what i do for a living will know what i'm talking about.) So, let me get this straight. Christmas is not only the name of the day, but is a Federal holiday, and is so important to people that the day before it should be declared a federal holiday but i'm not allowed to say Merry Christmas to people for fear of offending someone? BULLSHIT. I defied a direct order from a "superior" and kept right on saying "Merry Christmas", even while the supe was sitting next to me busting my balls for saying it (my "customers" are not in the room with me if you haven't gather that little nugget of info yet). He threatened to write me up for insubordination and i just laughed and said "go ahead, see how far that goes". What the fuck is wrong with people?!? He must be so miserable that he feels the need to snuff out even the smallest ember of kindness and human decency in order to try and make everyone else feel just as shitty as he does. I mean, i had to work Christmas and so did my "customers". So why not do what i can to be friendly and pass on a little kindness to people as unlucky as me that they should have to work on Christmas? Bottom line, all of this political correctness and being afraid of offending people has gotten out of hand. I have nothing but respect for whatever one chooses to believe or practice. But for fuck sake, LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My new year resolution number one is to be as politically INCORRECT as possible in 2010. Something i've said has offended you? TOUGH SHIT. Fucking deal with it. Fuck.

:END RANT:

Anywho... 2009 was one hell of a year. A lot happened. I met a lot of great people here online and i am grateful to each of you for your help and support and for your help in getting me to where i am today. And where is that exactly? For starters, i am OUT. I am an openly gay man and i can be myself and not have to worry about people finding me out for the first time in almost 20 years since i figured out i was gay. All the people who matter most to me are completely, and 100% accepting and supportive of me and do not judge me because of my sexuality. In fact, i have yet to have one bad reaction in a coming out scenario, although i am still waiting for my first one (and rather looking forward to telling whoever it may be to kindly fuck off, i don't need you anyway). I still have a lot of healing to do in terms of reconciling my past and coming to terms with the shit i put myself through by staying in the closet for so long. But i am making progress. Its a long road ahead, but when i look at where i was a year ago to where i am now, i can't believe my eyes. Its like i am a different man. I feel happiness for the first time in ages. I still have days where i am down in the dumps and feeling pretty low (and i imaging those days will come around from time to time for the rest of my life). But they are far fewer than they were in the past and less extreme in nature and easier to pull out of.

Perhaps most amazing of all, i have a wonderful boyfriend who i am deeply in love with and who loves me just as much. "E" is an incredible man who loves me for me, good and bad (and i can be a real asshole sometimes, so he must really love me to put up with that lolz). I love him for the person inside of him, for who he really is as well. But, i guess i must have been a really good boy because not only is he a sweet, smart, loving, caring (he brought leftover Christmas dinner from his families dinner to my house for me after i got off work on Christmas), wonderful man, he is also quite the good looker! I know, looks aren't everything, but they sure can't hurt. :P He's tall and slender and pretty much everything i could ever want in a man. Yeah, i got REAL lucky! And without going into too much detail, lets just say that i'm the more masculine of the two of us, if you catch my drift. Suffice to say, the sex is amazing.

That's all well and good, but more important, we celebrated our two month anniversary a few days ago. An eternity when measuring the duration of most gay relationships (hell, hetero relationships these days for that matter). Sure some of the newness and glow has dissipated, but i love him more than ever and we spend quite a lot of time together (fyi, our little trip to the ocean was simply incredible). So, here's to another two months, leading to years and decades of happiness.

Lastly, remember that little fender bender i was in back in late August? Yeah, the one where the stupid cunting whore drove her fucking TANK of an SUV into the rear-end of my car at 40 mph? Well, after three and a half months of waiting, my replacement Audi S5 has finally arrived. I am picking it up after work tomorrow. It is still costing me money, as the insurance only paid for the value of my totaled car, not replacement value, but will be well worth it.

Sorry for not posting more frequently, but i have been pretty busy as of late. I am on MSN once in a while, but its usually really late, and no one else is on. So, one of these days i will have to get on and do some catching up with all of you.

Until next time...