Out of control.

First off, huge apologies to everyone. I have been pretty busy as of late, and haven't been keeping up with the blogs as much as i should. I try to read them when i can, but haven't been commenting lately... So, i hope i haven't pissed anyone off.

Anyway, shit has spiraled out of control over here in my little corner of the world. I received a text from Adam last friday telling me that he had just received a text from another co-worker asking him if he knew i was gay. What the fuck?! Someone outed me! So, back up one more step to last Thursday when i came out to another of my co-workers (another lesbian). She and some of the (straight) guys i work with are friends. Apparently, she got a little loose lipped after drinking too much and started blabbing about me to everyone who was present. I still don't have a full picture of how out of control things are, but it is definitely no longer contained and in my hands. So, as a damage control measure, i came out to some more of the people i am closest to at work so they could hear it from me and not the rumor mill. At least half a dozen others are asking questions and so on. Jesus...it's like i'm in fucking junior high again with all the whispering and rumors.

Fuck. So much for doing this my way and in my own time. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, but fuck... The upside is that of those i have told personally, most were a bit shocked but otherwise very accepting and supportive. So, if i wasn't before, i reckon i am officially out. At this point, i really don't give a shit who knows or not. I do have mixed emotions about the talk behind my back. On the one hand, i can see that maybe they are just respecting my privacy (or more than likely wanting to save their asses from some discrimination action). But really, if they want to know, why beat around the bush? Just fucking ask me.

In other news, i bought a bunch of new clothes while i was on holiday. Picked up a bunch of shirts and pants from Express (using my brothers employee discount...saved heaps of moneys). I gotta say, i look pretty fuckin sharp. lol. Had some blonde highlights put in my hair, so that's looking even gayer than before as well. :p Overall, i have lost about 60 pounds since i started my weight loss crusade. If i could lose another 50 or 60 pounds, i'd be on target.

I went to Milwaukee's pride fest with my brother while i was on hols. Quite a bit of fun, and eye candy galore! But, it did nothing to convince me that i'm not too old for this shit. Most of the guys i saw were in their early to mid twenties. OK, i admit those are the guys i am most attracted to. But something tells me that they aren't as into me as i am them. I feel way too old to be trying to play catch up and have some fun and eventually get into a stable, long term relationship. Oh yeah, i turned 33 last week. I'm now in my mid 30's. Yeah, i'm deffo the old man trying to play a young mans game.

I'm still having no luck trying to talk to CPB. Every time i go in, he is either not there or is busy doing some other work and i don't get seated at his table. I've now asked for his section twice, and have twice been told he isn't serving or whatever. So, i think i may have crossed into creepy stalker territory. lol. In any event, i'm getting well frustrated with the whole situation. Either fate is conspiring against me or it's saving me from some mass humiliation. So, two different outlooks on that whole thing. One, persistence pays off. Keep going in and eventually the odds will fall to my favor and i will get to talk to him, and maybe even get a date (leading to a relationship if i'm a really good boy). Two, i am obsessed with him and should just forget about him and move on. If it were meant to happen, it would have...nothing should take that much effort. The problem with that is, move on where? I still have no leads or connections or prospects for meeting new people. And you can see how well trying to meet people in normal everyday circumstances is working out. lol. I know, i've done a lot in the past few months and shouldn't rush things. But time is running out, folks. I ain't getting any younger or prettier.

So, thanks to everyone for your thoughts, comments and emails. It really means a lot to me. I owe each and every one of you my gratitude. I don't think i'd be where i am if not for your help, advice, support, and friendship. You have witnessed something extraordinary...my transformation from a boring, single, lonely and closeted gay man to a boring, single, lonely and OUT gay man. LOL! WTF...

BTW...the new Dredg album "The Pariah, the Parrot, the Delusion" is absolutely fucking brilliant. I have been alternating between listening to that and Tiësto's "In Search of Sunrise, Vol. 7: Asia", also fucking brilliant. Yeah, my neighbors hate me coz i've been playing that stuff at top volume at like 3 am... But fuck them anyway... Bwahahahaha!!!!!

Out.

It's been a week now since i cam out to my dad. I am still trying to process exactly how i feel. I certainly feel relieved that he is so accepting of me and loves me just as he did before. Same goes for my little brother. He was actually happy for me that i am coming out. He told me he was near tears when i told him. My dad and brother are 100% in my corner, and both of them have said they will do anything they can to support me and help me out in any way they can. That feeling is indescribable. Knowing that they are there for me no matter what is just so amazing. Unconditional love. I also told my step-mother (who would have found out from my dad eventually) and my brothers fiance. Both of them are also completely and unconditionally accepting. In the process of meeting my brothers co-workers (many of whom are very cute, single gay guys) and my future sister in-law's co-workers i am now out to more people than ever. I'm out!

So far, all of the family i have told are accepting and have said that they just want me to be happy. The more i talked to my dad and brother, the more i am convinced my sister will say the same thing...that she only wants to see me happy. I am going to call my favorite aunt (on my dads side of the family) and tell her this week sometime, and my sister will soon follow. The plan is to have my closest family in the know and in my corner so my mom will be the only one not being supportive and accepting should she freak out. That will make her look like the fool for not accepting me for who i am regardless of her crazy little religious beliefs. But you know, the more i think about it and the more people who know i'm gay and still love me, the less i care about how my mom will react. She is my mom, and i will love her always. But if she can't love and accept me for who i am when who i am is out of my control and was determined before i was born, or shortly thereafter, well it really is her loss. The fact that my dad and brother still love me and care proves that it will be her loss.

So, it's really very liberating being out. But it carries with it an unexpected side effect. All the regret i've been carrying about opportunities missed and my wasted, pissed away youth have been amplified now by knowing that i could have come out when i was 15 and still been loved. Knowing that i could have been out and proud and living life and having fun when i was 15 and through my high school years instead of hiding in the closet and being alone is agonizing. Knowing that i didn't have to miss out on having boyfriends and meaningful, loving relationships and everything else i missed out on through my 20's really weighs on me heavily. Before, it was merely a suspicion that my youth was a waste. Now it is a cold, hard fact. That i have caused myself so much pain and grief is almost unforgivable.

As a result, my social development, as far as relationships and dating goes, is stunted at age 15. That is extremely hard to deal with when turning 33 is only days away. Like Gauss Jordan said in his comment on my "Out to my Dad" post, my gay age is 16 ffs. Now, i know i'm not the only guy in my position, but that is of little comfort. I am doing things and experiencing things i should have been doing when i was in 10th grade ffs! I mean, it's hard enough for me to meet new friends, and especially trying to find a partner. There simply isn't the time or opportunity for the social encounters that were available to me in high school. So, for me to date people who are at the same level of social development as me, i would need to date high school guys. Now there's a sure fire way to land myself a nice felony record and a trip to jail.

Now that i am out, i am able to more freely be myself. It felt really strange talking to my dad and brother about Eric and CPB, and about how i should go about trying to meet a partner. My brother and i and his fiance went to Milwaukee's pride fest when i was out visiting them. Here again, to be able to freely express an interest in guy guy who caught my eye was very different to say the least. To say to my brother, "hey...now he is my type" and to talk to my future sis-in-law about which guys we liked was pretty wild. All of the thoughts and emotions i have been keeping bottled up are now out in the open and being talked about with people i love and care about. But again, it has an after effect. Now that i'm out, i have no excuse for being alone, where as before i could use the "in the closet" excuse. I know, i am only just starting to come out. But remember, i have lived my entire life alone and have never been in a relationship before, so the pressure i am putting on myself to find someone is intense. I have a lot of unfulfilled dreams and desires on that front going back almost 20 years and i need to start making up for it before i get any older. In case you are wondering, the thought of turning 33 is depressing as hell.

So, once again i fail at trying to get anywhere with CPB. I went there again tonight, since it's my first night back home (i hate being back too, btw) and it was a monday night when i first met him. So stands to reason he should be there on a monday, right? Well, no. He wasn't there. Again. I'm starting to believe it just isn't meant to be. Maybe i should just admit defeat and cut my losses and move on and forget about my sweet CPB. But i think that will be about as impossible as trying to forget about Eric has been for me. The harder i try to forget about them, more i think about them. The more i think about them, the more i want to be with them. Problem is, neither of them wants to be with me (well, to be fair, idk if CPB does or not, and if Eric does, ffs, please speak up and say so!!).

So, there ya go. One long, boring as hell post to help you sleep better. As far as i've come, i still have a long way to go. The amount of work and uncertainty that lay ahead of me is daunting. Although i feel much better this week than i did last week, loneliness is still an oppressive and continuous part of my life. But, progress is progress. One small step at a time.

Now for the hard part...

In some areas of my life, I am extremely fortunate. Today, I came out to my brother. Although a bit shocked and surprised, he is behind me all the way. He actually congratulated me on coming out. My little brother and I were really close as kids, and we each have held secrets for each other for many years. I had expected him to be the most accepting of all my family from the beginning, and he has lived up to my expectations. He said he would be there for me mo matter what. His unconditional acceptance of me is just awesome.

My dad and I had a few private moments today and were able to discuss things a little. He said that it is still soaking in that i'm gay, but he is totally supportive and will always be there for me no matter what. I told him that I told my brother and that it went well (as my dad expected). I told my dad how grateful I am for him and my brother. He said there is no need to be grateful, that he and my brother loved me unconditionally. He added that unconditional meant just that. They would love me mo matter what. I asked my dad about how he thought some of my other relatives would react. In particular, how my fav aunt (my dads sis) would react. She knows my dad has been worried about me a lot and actually asked my dad if he thought I might be gay. Winner winner chicken dinner. So following that, he said she would be completely cool with it. In fact, he said most of the relatives on his side of the family would likely be cool. So, my aunt will likely be next to know.

Now that the easy part is out of the way (ha ha), on to the really hard part...telling my mom and sister. My sis is hard to read. After talking to my bro, I get the feeling my sis would be ok after a while. She appearantly has some gay friends, and so is ok with gays. It just might take her a while to adjust to thinking of me as gay. However, she tells my mom everything and so I can't tell my sis until I'm ready for my mom to find out. My mom will freak out on me. Of that I'm convinced. She may still love me, but will never support me and will insist that I'm sick and need treatment. This is getting kinda hard now.

The other difficulty will me in finding a boyfriend. My bro insists that I have heaps going for me and that I will find some one to love who will love me. So, when I get home, winning CPB's (cute pizza boy's) heart will become my priority. I will gladly accept any help anyone can offer in that arena. I have zero experience with flirting and talking to guys I like.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the support you've given me and for your comments. Well, I'm exhausted and need sleep.

Laterz.

Out to my Dad

Well, after stressing myself out to the point of almost having a breakdown, I've done what I thought I could never do. I came out to my dad. What a relief to finally have that weight lifted from my shoulders. The feeling of finally being able to be myself around my dad is indescribable.

My dad and I spent the whole day together, and the opportunity to bring it up to him never presented itself. I was worried that I would have to delay telling him for a while and stress out about it even longer. So, after lunch, and stopping at a music shop to look at some guitars, I suggested we take a walk and work off our lunch. He said sure...that sounds good. So, we head out for our walk and just start chatting about random stuff. I was so nervous, I felt sick. At first I wasn't sure I could go through with it. Eventually though, I just brought it up. I asked my dad if he recalled our phone convo a few weeks ago, and he said yes. I asked if he wanted to hear the whole story, start to finish. Again, he said yes. I said that he may not like the way the story ends. He again said to me that there is nothing we couldn't overcome.

So, I told him that my depression has two main causes as far as I can tell, and that they are closely related two each other. I told him that one of the reasons I'm depressed is that I am so alone, and have been for a long time. I went into some detail about my loneliness. I finally just turned to him and said "dad, I'm gay". He acted a little surprised, but said the thought had crossed his mind. He said that it more than ok, that it changes nothing about how he feels about me, that he loved me. I told him a little about how I felt about the boy in my first grade class, and how I had no idea how to make sense of those feelings. I told him that I knew I was gay from the time I was in middle school. I told him how hard it's been carrying that secret for so long. He said he wishes I would have told him sooner. I only wish I had.

I am hanging out with my brother tomorrow, so I will probably tell him then. My dad seems to think my bro will take it well and be cool with it. I will let you know how it goes.

Now, if I could only find a boyfriend...

a swing and a miss...

OMFG...did Deadwing really post twice in as many days? Holy shit! He did! lol...

Well, i went to get pizza tonight. No cutie pizza boy to be seen anywhere. :( Major let down. This is driving me crazy. I can't even be sure he will be there when i go in, let alone be able to get a seat at his table. And i can't keep going back every couple of days. I'm trying to lose weight ffs, not gain it faster than ever. I know, get a salad. Honestly, who the fuck orders a salad at a pizza place? In any event, at this rate i will never find out if i stood a chance with him. How frustrating. So, it's obvious i need to change my tactics. I mean, eventually, if i keep going back, i will get seated in his section. But how long will that take ffs? Waiting for random encounters with him will take forever to find out anything about him. So, how can i accelerate the process without being creepy and stalking him? I really want him to like me, not think i'm weird. In all honesty, having him reject me outright would be better than playing this cat and mouse waiting game. Will he be there? Oh...he is this time. Will i get seated in his section? No. Good God. Try again next week? OK. Fuck. How goddamn ridiculous is that? Suggestions?

But, the night wasn't a total waste of time. The guy who served me was well cute, and friendly. Had a good chat with him. Don't thinks he's gay though. But, i could be wrong. Thank fuck i went for a long bike ride today (despite the fckn heat) to negate all the calories i took in with the yummy pizza.

Well, unless my cutie pizza boy comes knocking on my door later, i won't be posting again until next week after i come out to my pops. Until then...

Laterz

p.s. - regarding the name of the song i mentioned in my last post, it was "i say a little prayer" from the film "my best friends wedding" (and has been performed by many great singers like Aretha Franklin), which i have never seen. go ahead...try pulling my fckn gay card...i fckn DARE you!!! :D

p.p.s - regarding the randomness of actually being able to talk to cute pizza boy (aka cpb), i guess when something is really worth having (like having cpb as my boyfriend), it's worth waiting for. Once i actually get seated in his section, i won't feel like such a stalker asking to be seated there again. at least then i will have had him as a server at least once (when i first met him, he cashed me out with a take-away order, and helped me get my crap car started...lol).

p.p.p.s - i'm starting to feel like Torchy! with all of my post scripts! lol...that's a compliment btw... :P

All the news that is news.

Hi everyone. I haven't had much time for blogging lately, but have been reading what i can, when i can. So, just because i haven't been commenting much doesn't mean i'm not reading your blog. Now that summer is here, i have been outside taking bike rides a lot more frequently and taking walks, etc. OMG...there are well loads of fit guys out there running and biking, and such. Opportunities to purve abound. Maybe i should try getting into running next...all the really cute fit guys seem to run. I love their toned, muscular legs (showcased by their cute shorts) and their slim, fit torsos (showcased by nothing at all, if i'm really lucky). I love summer! Oh, and a huge thank you to all who have left a comment or sent an email regarding my last couple of posts. Your words of encouragement and advice, and just kind words in general mean the world to me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I head out to Wisconsin on 6 June to visit my pops, and will be gone until 14 June, so i won't be on MSN during that time. I know, i know...you are all heart broken and are now curled up in the fetal position, crying softly, wondering just how in the hell you will survive without having me to talk to for a week. That sounds pretty dramatic, but more than likely no one would have noticed my absence if i hadn't said anything...lol. Anyway, i can't find a messenger for my iPhone that works with all my contacts, so you are all shit out of luck...lol. :p I will try to post from my iPhone and keep you updated as to my progress and subsequent success/failure/breakdown.

So, in less than a week i will be out to my dad. I will probably be out to my brother as well. Oh, let's not forget my stepmother either. Holy shit. Am i really going to go through with this? Yeah, me thinks i will. I am pretty nervous about it all, but semi-confident things will work out better than i had originally thought. There is still a chance things will go horribly wrong, and whats left of my life will come crashing down around me. In which case, i will no doubt finally snap and either go ape shit and lead the police on a multi-state high speed chase followed by a spectacular crash, or i will breakdown and collapse into myself never to be seen again. Once my dad and brother know, it will then be time to tell my mom and sister. Both of them will be significantly more difficult to deal with. So much so, i don't even want to think about it now, or i may lose my nerve and not tell my dad. I really think it's time to move on. I think that my dad is ready to hear the truth. I still wonder if he suspects, and if so, for how long. I guess i will find out in a few days.

In other news, i came out to another co-worker on Saturday. Let's call her Beth. She is a new trainee in my area, and i was instructing her on Saturday. Adam and his student were training on the position next to the one i was training Beth on. Beth is a lesbian, by the way. Anyway, Adam was humming some song, and Beth started humming along to it as well. I'm like "wtf song are you two singing?". Beth says "hetero men can be so clueless sometimes". I laughed my ass off, and Adam just gave me some stupid smile and Beth was giving both of us a very quizzical look, but said nothing further. Later, i asked Adam what song it was, and he told me and said "i ought to take away your gay card for not knowing that" and laughed. At the end of the day, i was debriefing Beth about our training session, and said to her "by the way, you almost got me in some serious trouble with Adam before when i didn't know that song. He threatened to take away my gay card for that". She just stared at me and said "you are?". Yep, i am. So, we had a nice little chat and exchanged mobile numbers. One more ally.

Lastly, cute pizza guy... Well, i went back to see him twice last week, and both times he wasn't there. :( So, on Sunday before my overnight shift i decided to stop by for dinner and see if he was in. I made two laps around the place trying to see if i could see him. No luck, and finally the hostess asked if there was something i was looking for. Oops...made myself look suspicious. I just said i was looking for a friend who said he might be meeting me for dinner, and i didn't see him, so just seat me anywhere. So, after i've been seated and have ordered, guess who i see. Yep...my cutie. Damn. Well, he walked past my table, his back towards me (my back was to the wall as well). So, i got to purve for a moment before he turned the corner. :p A few minutes later, he is walking down the aisle directly towards me and i could swear he is looking me over. Maybe it's because he recognizes me from when we met the first time. Or who knows why...maybe he likes me? Nah...couldn't be that. Now i am inventing things in order to give me a false confidence. Or i could just be seeing things and he wasn't looking me over at all. But i'm almost certain he notices me before i notice him and catch his eye. I made eye contact with him, and he didn't look away. I am nervous as hell at this point, and all i can manage is to give him a little wave of my hand and a awkward smile and say "Hi. How is your night going?". He gives me a little smile back, and says his night is going alright. And then he is gone. That is all i managed to say to him. So, my guess is that if he is in fact gay, he probably knows that i am too, and that i'm interested in him. Why else would i make eye contact with some random employee and smile at him and say hi if i'm not interested? He walked past my table one other time, but my loudmouth waitress was barking up the wrong tree and trying to chat me up looking for a good tip. I'm thinking to myself "shut the fuck up and move along!". LOL. So when he walked past me that time, i could see him looking at me from the corner of my eye. IDK, maybe he's in tune and can tell i'm into him. Or maybe he's thinking "why is that creepo guy talking to me and making eyes at me?" Or maybe he really does actually like me too. Who knows. I can't help but feel like i'm setting myself up for a major disappointment. The odds are not in my favor at all. But, lady luck favors the bold. So, my plan is to go try and talk to him again tonight (Wednesday night). Is it too bold of me to first ask if he is working, and then ask to be seated in his section? That might raise some eyebrows, and suspicions. Or make me look like a creepo stalker. But, it would guarantee i get to talk to him a bit more than i have previously. If the hostess tells him i asked for him, he might be freaked out by that and not want to talk, or worse, just write me off as a nut job. Or it could make it even more obvious that i like him and he might be flattered. Ugh...too many variables. I hate not being in control of a situation. I have to find out one way or another though...if i let this go and never find out, i will be kicking myself in the ass for all time. I can't let opportunities pass me by anymore. One last thing about him. Yes, he is really cute (to me anyway), but my attraction to him runs deeper than that. I don't know him, or anything about him, but there is something there that draws me in. Something that makes me feel good in a way i can't describe. Maybe this time, i will finally have a bit of good luck. But, he will probably turn out to be straight... I'll keep you posted either way.

Laterz.