Some days, i seriously question why i even bother getting out of bed. This whole week has been like that. Just a miserable son-of-a-bitch. Goes back to last Saturday i guess...
My boyfriend is still in college. He got laid off from his job a few years ago and took the opportunity to go back to school. Good for him. Really. I did the same thing. Only i quit a perfectly good job to go back to school and pursue a new career (which pays really well, but bores the living shit out of me these days and puts too many restrictions on what i can do with my personal life, i.e random drug tests, can't get treated for certain medical conditions). But i digress... Anyway, as a full time college student at a highly regarded university, E doesn't have much in the way of free time. I am lucky to have him for the little time i do on Friday nights and Saturdays. Well, most of Saturday now. His latest school project has him doing all sorts of crazy shit schedule wise and now he needs 5 hours out of Saturday to do this stuff for school. Fucking great. I don't get to see him all goddamn week and the ONE FUCKING DAY i should be able to spend time with him is now occupied by his school work. I guess i'm being a bit selfish, but FUCK. I work my ass off all week long, earning a living so i can have nice stuff and buy nice stuff for E and provide a secure future for the both of us, and now i can't even have one goddamn fucking day to spend with the man i love? Jesus Christ on a crutch. How frustrating.
I think i mentioned in a previous post how i took new days off (actual weekends off for once) in order to spend more time with E. See how that's backfired on me... What really annoys me isn't that he's gone five fucking hours out of the one day a week i get with him, but rather we can't plan a fucking thing to do. Can't plan an overnight trip, can't go for a hike (i mean the time he needs is from 11am until about 4pm, right in the middle of the goddamn day for fuck sake), can't go for a day trip, can't do a fucking thing. And come Sunday morning, POOF!!! he's gone for another week and i'm left wondering what the fuck.
On an unrelated note, E says i swear too much. Especially the "F" bomb. I wonder what the fuck he's talking about....
Anywho, i guess i just needed to vent. I know he's only doing what he needs to do. But what about me? I don't get any time with my man, i don't get to de-stress from the Hell that my job has become (unless you count the vast quantities of liquor i now consume), and i go back to work the next week more stressed out than i was the previous week.
My job is high stress (and those of you who know what i do will know what i mean). But despite it's stress levels, it bores me to death. Its always the same old shit. And not to blow my own horn, but i'm really good at what i do and it's really quite easy for me. This one does this, that one does that, everyone lives. But should i fuck up... Not that i would ever fuck up. So, i am an instructor at work. I warp young, impressionable minds into twisted voids of insanity. I really enjoy teaching. It's the only thing i like about my job anymore, and even it is becoming stale. So, i did the unthinkable...i bid on a management position. Yep, i'm now a traitor in the eyes of my peers. But fuck them anyway, i'll be the one laughing when i get the $30k a year pay increase AND get to tell them what to do!
Still, i wonder if i will be happy with that for long. I seem to get bored easily and need something new relatively frequently. But with all the bullshit of my job, i still can't have any real fun in my free time because of all the restrictions my job places on my personal life. It really annoys me that i can't have any fun, especially considering E smokes pot on occasion. I want to be able to have that to share with him. And my stupid fucking job won't let me. With the stress levels my job provides me, smoking a joint now and then would probably really do me some good. I'd probably drink a lot less. Time to find a new career. One that pays six figures and gives me some personal freedoms.
Depression has really been fucking with me lately. Yet another "benefit" of my job...just being diagnosed as "depressed" would cost me my employment, and forget about getting treatment. So, i get to suffer. E has mild depression (who doesn't these days), but my condition is a bit more serious than just being depressed. Both he and i have self diagnosed me with something more than just depression. Again, i lose my job if my employer finds out. Maybe i shouldn't be talking about this here... Whatever. You guys won't tattle on me, will you. But i do have one blessing. E. He loves me despite my condition and the mood swings and the shit i put him through from time to time. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that. He loves me. No matter what.
Well, if that isn't a random ass collection of thoughts, i don't know what is.
By the way, FUCK YOU, COMCAST!!! LICK MY FUCKING BALLS!!! I'M SICK OF PAYING GOOD FUCKING MONEY FOR YOUR SHITTY SERVICE!!! Oh, sorry, XFINITY. Whatever. You still FUCKING SUCK! Come on people, It's 2010. Getting reliable cable TV, internet and phone service shouldn't be such a problem. You wouldn't believe how often my cable goes out, or my phone, or perhaps worst of all, my internet. Good fucking God. What brought that on you ask? My cable is out AGAIN!!! The second time tonight. and when you call to ask why your $70/month cable TV is out for the second time in one evening? That's right, no dial tone on my phone. Lucky i still have internet, for now. This shit is enough to piss off the Pope.
OK, i'm having a bad day, can't you tell??? Sorry for being so grouchy. I hope it was at least amusing.
Oh yeah, i gave E a key to my house. I'm thinking of asking him to move in with me soon (especially considering that he lives in a shitty neighbourhood and i worry about him). BIG step, kind of scares me...
Until next time...
P.S. (Who actually reads this shit anyway? Should i even bother writhing this blog anymore?)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Awesome.
Awesome is the only word i can think of to describe the Muse concert i attended last Friday. Even if viewed from a purely musical standpoint, the performance was awesome. Such incredible song writing and arranging skills, and spot on musicianship are rarely seen in artists these days. The songs inspire and make one move and think and emote. But it wasn't just great songs played well (although Muse have great songs and play them well). It was the show. Brilliant use of green lasers and multi-colored LED spotlights and other lighting combined with the stage set (three sky scraper platforms that descend into the stage). My seats weren't the best (even though i bought them pre-sale, the best i could get was second level at some odd angle to the stage...pre-sale is a crock of shit). Despite the less than great seats, the mix wasn't too bad and the volume of the PA was loud but not deafening or harsh. Muse opened with "Uprising", possibly one of their best songs ever and played a good mix of songs from albums old and new alike. The Silversun Pickups opened for Muse and were just amazing to see live too.
I missed the first song from the Silversun Pickups as traffic getting to the venue was as fucked as i'd ever seen Seattle traffic. It took a full half an hour to travel just two miles. Of course, asshole drivers zipping past the line of cars patiently waiting their turn to exit the freeway and going to the head of the line and stopping traffic until someone let them in didn't help matters any. One stupid asshole found out he was fucking with the wrong fag. The guy almost hit my car as he was trying to weasel his way in front of me just a couple car lengths from the end of the exit lane. I held my ground and he had to get behind me. He then had the balls to roll his window down and shout something to me about being a stupid fag, blah blah blah. Seeing as how traffic wasn't moving anyway, i took the opportunity to calmly put my car in park, get out and ask this prick just what the FUCK his problem was. I stated that if he wished to spend the next few weeks in a hospital bed recovering from untold injuries, that he should by all means continue his present course of action. If, however, he wanted to spend his weekend breathing unassisted and moving under his own power, that he should offer and immediate apology. I said all of this in a fairly calm and cool tone of voice. This obviously had an effect on him, as he was stammering out his apology giving excuses as to why he was acting like such a prick within half a second of me ending my little speech. I was back in my car and on my merry way and i didn't even hold up traffic. The idiot kept about five car lengths back even though we were only traveling at half a mile an hour. Eventually, some other cars merged from another lane and i didn't see him again. It felt good to put this prick in his place.
I met the boyfriends psycho Christian parents for the first time on Sunday. He invited me over (with their permission) for Easter dinner. His parents are really nice people, but they don't much like gays and aren't really thrilled that their son is gay. My bf was REALLY stressed about the whole thing because of how past boyfriends have been received by his parents. But, things went fairly well and he said that his parents actually like me, despite the fact i get gay with their son. Maybe it's because i'm not a bum and have real career unlike bf's past. The food was really great too. His dad is an exceptional cook. But i was a bit nervous after hearing horror stories about how things have gone with past bf's. But he seems to think things are OK with the parents this time. He also seems to think this is a huge step in our relationship as well, as he said he has only ever brought home guys he is really serious about. He sent me a text after i took him home to tell me just how much he loves me and that he loves me no matter what. That made me happy. He also said he misses me already, even though we had only been apart for about 45 minutes. I miss him too...
Sunday also marked five months that i have been seeing my bf. Wow. Has it really been five months?! We are practically an old married couple in terms of gay relationships. There has been some talk about moving in together in the not too distant future. I'm a little scared about that honestly. I'm happy about having him around all the time, but that's a huge step. And he's my first real boyfriend. So, first time having a live in boyfriend is spooky. I am scared about him being my first serious relationship too. I wonder if that concerns him? I wonder if he worries that i will get bored with him and want to try something new with someone else. I of course won't do that. I love him so much i don't have the words to express it. I am concerned too, because everyone always warns me about not going to crazy over the first guy i fall in love with, that first relationships never last. I think they're wrong and i would be perfectly happy with him for the rest of my life. I mean, anyone who knows just how fucked up i am and STILL loves me? He's deffo a keeper!
Well, this has been long winded enough. Time to sign off. I hope you all had a nice Easter.
Until next time...
I missed the first song from the Silversun Pickups as traffic getting to the venue was as fucked as i'd ever seen Seattle traffic. It took a full half an hour to travel just two miles. Of course, asshole drivers zipping past the line of cars patiently waiting their turn to exit the freeway and going to the head of the line and stopping traffic until someone let them in didn't help matters any. One stupid asshole found out he was fucking with the wrong fag. The guy almost hit my car as he was trying to weasel his way in front of me just a couple car lengths from the end of the exit lane. I held my ground and he had to get behind me. He then had the balls to roll his window down and shout something to me about being a stupid fag, blah blah blah. Seeing as how traffic wasn't moving anyway, i took the opportunity to calmly put my car in park, get out and ask this prick just what the FUCK his problem was. I stated that if he wished to spend the next few weeks in a hospital bed recovering from untold injuries, that he should by all means continue his present course of action. If, however, he wanted to spend his weekend breathing unassisted and moving under his own power, that he should offer and immediate apology. I said all of this in a fairly calm and cool tone of voice. This obviously had an effect on him, as he was stammering out his apology giving excuses as to why he was acting like such a prick within half a second of me ending my little speech. I was back in my car and on my merry way and i didn't even hold up traffic. The idiot kept about five car lengths back even though we were only traveling at half a mile an hour. Eventually, some other cars merged from another lane and i didn't see him again. It felt good to put this prick in his place.
I met the boyfriends psycho Christian parents for the first time on Sunday. He invited me over (with their permission) for Easter dinner. His parents are really nice people, but they don't much like gays and aren't really thrilled that their son is gay. My bf was REALLY stressed about the whole thing because of how past boyfriends have been received by his parents. But, things went fairly well and he said that his parents actually like me, despite the fact i get gay with their son. Maybe it's because i'm not a bum and have real career unlike bf's past. The food was really great too. His dad is an exceptional cook. But i was a bit nervous after hearing horror stories about how things have gone with past bf's. But he seems to think things are OK with the parents this time. He also seems to think this is a huge step in our relationship as well, as he said he has only ever brought home guys he is really serious about. He sent me a text after i took him home to tell me just how much he loves me and that he loves me no matter what. That made me happy. He also said he misses me already, even though we had only been apart for about 45 minutes. I miss him too...
Sunday also marked five months that i have been seeing my bf. Wow. Has it really been five months?! We are practically an old married couple in terms of gay relationships. There has been some talk about moving in together in the not too distant future. I'm a little scared about that honestly. I'm happy about having him around all the time, but that's a huge step. And he's my first real boyfriend. So, first time having a live in boyfriend is spooky. I am scared about him being my first serious relationship too. I wonder if that concerns him? I wonder if he worries that i will get bored with him and want to try something new with someone else. I of course won't do that. I love him so much i don't have the words to express it. I am concerned too, because everyone always warns me about not going to crazy over the first guy i fall in love with, that first relationships never last. I think they're wrong and i would be perfectly happy with him for the rest of my life. I mean, anyone who knows just how fucked up i am and STILL loves me? He's deffo a keeper!
Well, this has been long winded enough. Time to sign off. I hope you all had a nice Easter.
Until next time...
Thursday, April 1, 2010
As promised....
Here are your pictures from my trip. I took several hundred photos, so this is a very small sampling of what i took. Naturally, i'm keeping the best ones for myself. I mean, i can't have my best photos out there for people to steal off the interwebs. And yes, these are my photos, so no use of the photos i post on this blog by anyone, anywhere without my permission. I'm a greedy, selfish bastard, aren't i? That is, assuming anyone would want to use my photos. At any rate, the trip was fantastic. I really didn't want to leave. The bf and i had a great time, and it was so wonderful to have him all to myself for almost a week. I'm a bit buzzed as i write this, so i hope i don't get too carried away. Being back "home" really sucks. I fucking hate it here. The crowds, the prickish people, all of it. And i fucking hate going to work every day. The politics and bullshit really wear me down and depress me. Yeah, depression is still a problem despite having a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. He knows about my depression and sticks with me despite my periodic moodiness and melancholy. I feel so bad for putting him through what i do, but i can't help who i am. Despite it all, he loves and accepts me good and bad alike. What a blessing he is. I only wish my job would allow me to get treatment for my depression. But alas, even the diagnosis of depression would spell the end of my career (my work is dependent upon me keeping a medical clearance and depression is disqualifying). Too bad they do random drug testing too. I'm sure smoking pot would help correct my various conditions.
Windows Vista is a steaming pile of shit. I have Windows 7 on my desktop (better than Vista, but still not great), and my main laptop is a Mac (as will be every new computer i buy from now on). But my old laptop ran Vista. I fucking hate it. So, i finally put to use the unlimited license copy of Windows XP i've had sitting around for a couple of years (i got it from a friend who got it from sources who shall remain nameless lol). Yes, it's genuine. And legal. I installed it on my old laptop. What a bitch. I had to change some obscure setting in the BIOS in order for set-up to recognize my hard drive and install XP. I hate Hewlett Packard, as they do everything in their power to make sure you can't do anything to the computer you bought from them other than re-install the factory OS and software. It took me for fucking ever to hunt down drivers for my installed hardware that was compatible with Windows XP (fucking HP only offers drivers for Vista on their website). But fuck them, i'm a determined mother fucker. I am now running Windows XP without all the bullshit software and garbage HP insists on dumping on consumers. This old laptop rocks now! Soooooo fast and *SHOCK* it doesn't crash every two minutes.
I'm going to see Muse on Friday!!! Should be absolutely amazing! And the Silversun Pickups are opening! BONUS!!! I love them too!
But i digress... Here are the photos at last. Let me know what you think, won't you?
^ Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach from my balcony
^ Giant tree (6 feet in diameter) fallen across my hiking trail
^ Neahkahnie Mountain (and the Pacific Ocean) as viewed from the trail
^ The view from atop Neahkahnie Mountain
^ The Oregon Coast from atop Neahkahnie Mountain
^ Sunset at Cannon Beach
Windows Vista is a steaming pile of shit. I have Windows 7 on my desktop (better than Vista, but still not great), and my main laptop is a Mac (as will be every new computer i buy from now on). But my old laptop ran Vista. I fucking hate it. So, i finally put to use the unlimited license copy of Windows XP i've had sitting around for a couple of years (i got it from a friend who got it from sources who shall remain nameless lol). Yes, it's genuine. And legal. I installed it on my old laptop. What a bitch. I had to change some obscure setting in the BIOS in order for set-up to recognize my hard drive and install XP. I hate Hewlett Packard, as they do everything in their power to make sure you can't do anything to the computer you bought from them other than re-install the factory OS and software. It took me for fucking ever to hunt down drivers for my installed hardware that was compatible with Windows XP (fucking HP only offers drivers for Vista on their website). But fuck them, i'm a determined mother fucker. I am now running Windows XP without all the bullshit software and garbage HP insists on dumping on consumers. This old laptop rocks now! Soooooo fast and *SHOCK* it doesn't crash every two minutes.
I'm going to see Muse on Friday!!! Should be absolutely amazing! And the Silversun Pickups are opening! BONUS!!! I love them too!
But i digress... Here are the photos at last. Let me know what you think, won't you?
^ Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach from my balcony
^ Giant tree (6 feet in diameter) fallen across my hiking trail
^ Neahkahnie Mountain (and the Pacific Ocean) as viewed from the trail
^ The view from atop Neahkahnie Mountain
^ The Oregon Coast from atop Neahkahnie Mountain
^ Sunset at Cannon Beach
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