Out.

It's been a week now since i cam out to my dad. I am still trying to process exactly how i feel. I certainly feel relieved that he is so accepting of me and loves me just as he did before. Same goes for my little brother. He was actually happy for me that i am coming out. He told me he was near tears when i told him. My dad and brother are 100% in my corner, and both of them have said they will do anything they can to support me and help me out in any way they can. That feeling is indescribable. Knowing that they are there for me no matter what is just so amazing. Unconditional love. I also told my step-mother (who would have found out from my dad eventually) and my brothers fiance. Both of them are also completely and unconditionally accepting. In the process of meeting my brothers co-workers (many of whom are very cute, single gay guys) and my future sister in-law's co-workers i am now out to more people than ever. I'm out!

So far, all of the family i have told are accepting and have said that they just want me to be happy. The more i talked to my dad and brother, the more i am convinced my sister will say the same thing...that she only wants to see me happy. I am going to call my favorite aunt (on my dads side of the family) and tell her this week sometime, and my sister will soon follow. The plan is to have my closest family in the know and in my corner so my mom will be the only one not being supportive and accepting should she freak out. That will make her look like the fool for not accepting me for who i am regardless of her crazy little religious beliefs. But you know, the more i think about it and the more people who know i'm gay and still love me, the less i care about how my mom will react. She is my mom, and i will love her always. But if she can't love and accept me for who i am when who i am is out of my control and was determined before i was born, or shortly thereafter, well it really is her loss. The fact that my dad and brother still love me and care proves that it will be her loss.

So, it's really very liberating being out. But it carries with it an unexpected side effect. All the regret i've been carrying about opportunities missed and my wasted, pissed away youth have been amplified now by knowing that i could have come out when i was 15 and still been loved. Knowing that i could have been out and proud and living life and having fun when i was 15 and through my high school years instead of hiding in the closet and being alone is agonizing. Knowing that i didn't have to miss out on having boyfriends and meaningful, loving relationships and everything else i missed out on through my 20's really weighs on me heavily. Before, it was merely a suspicion that my youth was a waste. Now it is a cold, hard fact. That i have caused myself so much pain and grief is almost unforgivable.

As a result, my social development, as far as relationships and dating goes, is stunted at age 15. That is extremely hard to deal with when turning 33 is only days away. Like Gauss Jordan said in his comment on my "Out to my Dad" post, my gay age is 16 ffs. Now, i know i'm not the only guy in my position, but that is of little comfort. I am doing things and experiencing things i should have been doing when i was in 10th grade ffs! I mean, it's hard enough for me to meet new friends, and especially trying to find a partner. There simply isn't the time or opportunity for the social encounters that were available to me in high school. So, for me to date people who are at the same level of social development as me, i would need to date high school guys. Now there's a sure fire way to land myself a nice felony record and a trip to jail.

Now that i am out, i am able to more freely be myself. It felt really strange talking to my dad and brother about Eric and CPB, and about how i should go about trying to meet a partner. My brother and i and his fiance went to Milwaukee's pride fest when i was out visiting them. Here again, to be able to freely express an interest in guy guy who caught my eye was very different to say the least. To say to my brother, "hey...now he is my type" and to talk to my future sis-in-law about which guys we liked was pretty wild. All of the thoughts and emotions i have been keeping bottled up are now out in the open and being talked about with people i love and care about. But again, it has an after effect. Now that i'm out, i have no excuse for being alone, where as before i could use the "in the closet" excuse. I know, i am only just starting to come out. But remember, i have lived my entire life alone and have never been in a relationship before, so the pressure i am putting on myself to find someone is intense. I have a lot of unfulfilled dreams and desires on that front going back almost 20 years and i need to start making up for it before i get any older. In case you are wondering, the thought of turning 33 is depressing as hell.

So, once again i fail at trying to get anywhere with CPB. I went there again tonight, since it's my first night back home (i hate being back too, btw) and it was a monday night when i first met him. So stands to reason he should be there on a monday, right? Well, no. He wasn't there. Again. I'm starting to believe it just isn't meant to be. Maybe i should just admit defeat and cut my losses and move on and forget about my sweet CPB. But i think that will be about as impossible as trying to forget about Eric has been for me. The harder i try to forget about them, more i think about them. The more i think about them, the more i want to be with them. Problem is, neither of them wants to be with me (well, to be fair, idk if CPB does or not, and if Eric does, ffs, please speak up and say so!!).

So, there ya go. One long, boring as hell post to help you sleep better. As far as i've come, i still have a long way to go. The amount of work and uncertainty that lay ahead of me is daunting. Although i feel much better this week than i did last week, loneliness is still an oppressive and continuous part of my life. But, progress is progress. One small step at a time.