Out of control.

First off, huge apologies to everyone. I have been pretty busy as of late, and haven't been keeping up with the blogs as much as i should. I try to read them when i can, but haven't been commenting lately... So, i hope i haven't pissed anyone off.

Anyway, shit has spiraled out of control over here in my little corner of the world. I received a text from Adam last friday telling me that he had just received a text from another co-worker asking him if he knew i was gay. What the fuck?! Someone outed me! So, back up one more step to last Thursday when i came out to another of my co-workers (another lesbian). She and some of the (straight) guys i work with are friends. Apparently, she got a little loose lipped after drinking too much and started blabbing about me to everyone who was present. I still don't have a full picture of how out of control things are, but it is definitely no longer contained and in my hands. So, as a damage control measure, i came out to some more of the people i am closest to at work so they could hear it from me and not the rumor mill. At least half a dozen others are asking questions and so on. Jesus...it's like i'm in fucking junior high again with all the whispering and rumors.

Fuck. So much for doing this my way and in my own time. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, but fuck... The upside is that of those i have told personally, most were a bit shocked but otherwise very accepting and supportive. So, if i wasn't before, i reckon i am officially out. At this point, i really don't give a shit who knows or not. I do have mixed emotions about the talk behind my back. On the one hand, i can see that maybe they are just respecting my privacy (or more than likely wanting to save their asses from some discrimination action). But really, if they want to know, why beat around the bush? Just fucking ask me.

In other news, i bought a bunch of new clothes while i was on holiday. Picked up a bunch of shirts and pants from Express (using my brothers employee discount...saved heaps of moneys). I gotta say, i look pretty fuckin sharp. lol. Had some blonde highlights put in my hair, so that's looking even gayer than before as well. :p Overall, i have lost about 60 pounds since i started my weight loss crusade. If i could lose another 50 or 60 pounds, i'd be on target.

I went to Milwaukee's pride fest with my brother while i was on hols. Quite a bit of fun, and eye candy galore! But, it did nothing to convince me that i'm not too old for this shit. Most of the guys i saw were in their early to mid twenties. OK, i admit those are the guys i am most attracted to. But something tells me that they aren't as into me as i am them. I feel way too old to be trying to play catch up and have some fun and eventually get into a stable, long term relationship. Oh yeah, i turned 33 last week. I'm now in my mid 30's. Yeah, i'm deffo the old man trying to play a young mans game.

I'm still having no luck trying to talk to CPB. Every time i go in, he is either not there or is busy doing some other work and i don't get seated at his table. I've now asked for his section twice, and have twice been told he isn't serving or whatever. So, i think i may have crossed into creepy stalker territory. lol. In any event, i'm getting well frustrated with the whole situation. Either fate is conspiring against me or it's saving me from some mass humiliation. So, two different outlooks on that whole thing. One, persistence pays off. Keep going in and eventually the odds will fall to my favor and i will get to talk to him, and maybe even get a date (leading to a relationship if i'm a really good boy). Two, i am obsessed with him and should just forget about him and move on. If it were meant to happen, it would have...nothing should take that much effort. The problem with that is, move on where? I still have no leads or connections or prospects for meeting new people. And you can see how well trying to meet people in normal everyday circumstances is working out. lol. I know, i've done a lot in the past few months and shouldn't rush things. But time is running out, folks. I ain't getting any younger or prettier.

So, thanks to everyone for your thoughts, comments and emails. It really means a lot to me. I owe each and every one of you my gratitude. I don't think i'd be where i am if not for your help, advice, support, and friendship. You have witnessed something extraordinary...my transformation from a boring, single, lonely and closeted gay man to a boring, single, lonely and OUT gay man. LOL! WTF...

BTW...the new Dredg album "The Pariah, the Parrot, the Delusion" is absolutely fucking brilliant. I have been alternating between listening to that and Tiësto's "In Search of Sunrise, Vol. 7: Asia", also fucking brilliant. Yeah, my neighbors hate me coz i've been playing that stuff at top volume at like 3 am... But fuck them anyway... Bwahahahaha!!!!!