I have taken those first few unsteady steps on a journey from which there is no return. I spoke with my dad yesterday for almost an hour when I should have been working. He is very concerned about me, as I have been noticeably more depressed than usual lately. He started asking me a lot of questions about what's been bothering me. I said I have a pretty good idea of what it is, but that I would rather not talk about it over the phone, that it's very hard for me to talk about. He continued to gently prod me for answers, and I said I want to talk about it but that the phone isn't the place to do it, that I'd rather discuss it face to face.
When I got home from work last night, I went online and booked a flight out to visit my pops in early June when I've got some leave from work. So, my dad knows something is up and now I have a ticket to go see him. At this point, I am pretty much committed to coming out to him in just a couple of weeks. Now that he knows that I am carrying a burden and that I know what that burden is he won't let me skate without talking to him about it.
This morning, I had a voicemail from my dad on my mobile. He was pretty upset about our conversation last night. He called to see how I was doing, and wanted to make sure I was ok. I felt really bad for making him worry so much. I called him back on my break before and had a fairly encouraging conversation with him. First off, I told him about my trip and he was extremely excited to hear I am coming for a visit. The topic then shifted back to me. He again said how worried he is about me and that he was thinking about me all day. He said he would do anything he could to help me. He said that the love between a father and son is unconditional and that there isn't anything that we can't overcome together. He said he only wants for me to be happy. That he misses hearing me laugh. I told him that I have done my best to carry this weight for a long time, but that it has become too great. He said that when I get into town, he and I can have a nice long talk and work things out. He again said that there is nothing that will make him love me any less and that there is nothing we can't overcome. God, I love my dad.
So, we will see what happens. I still have no idea what he suspects might be weighing on me. None of the things he was asking me about gave any clue as to what he thinks. In any event, I am still scared as hell about telling him, but I'm strangely at peace about it. Let's hope this is the beginning of the end for me having to live my life as someone I'm not.
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24 comments:
*fingers crossed* I'm rooting for you!
I think you will be pleasantly surprised
I wish you the best of luck in this.
Your Dad is ready for you to talk to him, so do it. You will be nervous, your heart will race, your vision will get blurry and you will sweat, but just do it. You are both worth it.
Take a deep breath and do it.
As you say, you've already begun the coming out conversation with your dad, so there's nothing to do but finish it. I think that's why you're "strangely at peace" — you've made the decision, so the long period of agonizing over whether or not to tell him is over.
I hope all goes well, and I think it probably will.
Have a good trip and enjoy spending time with him.
DW
good luck man and i hope his true to his word
take care and be safe
bob
I was just going to say, don't think of it as the end - think of it as the beginning - of a new part of your life, unburdened with the stress you have been carrying around. I think once you get to talk with your Dad about this, you will suddenly release SO MUCH tension, emotion - that many of your problems will clear up, or at least lighten considerably.
I wish you only the best - now don't go obsessing and worrying about it from now until June!!
*hugs*
:-)
This could be the beginning of the end of your depression. In German we have the term "Aufbruch", which can mean breakup as well as start and even awakening. IMHO, you're at the edge of an Aufbruch. Things can really change. Your father seems ready. May fortune favor the brave.
It helps to remember (or to remind your dad) that life is short and our sexual orientations not that big a deal, compared to the problems faced by millions. We should laugh, if only because it is better than crying. Whatever his reaction, don't let it hurt you, as he will see and regret it. His great wish is for you to be less emotionally vulnerable, as his generation was more bold and outgoing. They feel awful about having raised frightened kids, who experience this world as a concentration camp. How do I know? A friend's father gave me a drunken lecture. Then he broke down and blurted all this out, begging me to help his kid. I didn't talk back as this dad used to be a special operations officer under the old regime. Before this he had even threatened to kill me. So, have some mercy on your confused old man. Thank him for being a sucker, allowing your soul to incarnate. Give him a laugh again.
Your dad will prbly. receive your revelation cool, I hope. My thoughts will be w/you. P.S. I´m gonna linkk ya, if you give me a return. :-) Propz Pilgrim
Well his words seem to be encouraging :)
Good Luck
hugs
I'm so happy for you! The following excerpt made me quite emotional... "He said that the love between a father and son is unconditional and that there isn't anything that we can't overcome together. He said he only wants for me to be happy"... partly because I wish my dad had said stuff like that, but mainly because it sounds so positive for you!
I truly hope that you feel like a new person in two weeks time.
Good luck and God Bless!
Col
I share everyone's sentiment here. Good luck, and to reiterate what gomad.ch posted "Fortune favours the brave".
I've got this private notion that your father may already have an idea.
Tears while reading this.....
It's time....
Much love
S
he knows :-)
he doesn't care :-)
Yea I don't see how he could be surprised at this point. I mean how else could it be taken in any other way? Im really glad that he has kind of paved the road for you. I agree with those above, it sounds like you will be pleasantly surprised. Hope to chat with you soon!
STeve
You have an awesome dad. Well done for finally having the courage to say what you've said, and setting these things in motion. Thinking about you buddy.
Great guy! Well done!
If U want something to think about and work on until U can talk to yr Dad face to face - may I suggest this.
I think those who are saying yr Dad wnts to C U happy again is right - which makes yr Dad just like the rest of us!
So it won't help if U go there with a hangdog look and blurt it all out with tears and trouble.
NO! You need to show (yourself and?) your dad that UR Glad to be Gay! UR easy w/being gay. U know loads of us poofs who might count ourselves as yr friends.
Wot you've been depressed about is the thought that he (your Dad) might not love you anymore coz you're a poofta.
Now are you really, deep down, honestly happy to be gay?
You are, aren't U? Coz that's the son you'll Dad will want to see. A boy who's certain and happy in his, er, 'choice'.
Hey man,
I know we haven't talked much recently (which will change, I hope), know that I am always there if you ever need someone to talk to, no matter what the matter.
I think telling your dad is a big step and one that you should take. Not only will it bring you two closer, but it will help you with becoming who you really are inside. You are a great person, and it's a pleasure to call you my friend and keep your head up because you will never know what you might miss.
I'll have to get my M3 soon so we can have a quick go-around with your S5, eh? :)
Jonathan.
i know I'm late on this, but i wish you the best of luck. from what you have said he does sound positive to you. i hope it goes well. it is never easy.
This is GREAT news. I agree with Micky, you have to make sure your Dad sees that you are happy and this is a good thing in your life.
"He said that the love between a father and son is unconditional and that there isn't anything that we can't overcome together."
He's ready to listen to anything you have to say - look him in the eye, and tell him plainly. He will love you all the more for your honesty.
Good luck.
G =]
i agree with all of these guys dw. maybe you've even had your meeting by now.
to me this sounds so positive, it's clear that your dad loves you very very much. i can't believe that he doesn't suspect it. really.
i'm pretty confident that he's gonna be fine with it. if he's considered it, he must have prepared himself for it to some degree.
i'm thinking of you my friend
*hug*
torchy!
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