Some really random shit.

Some days, i seriously question why i even bother getting out of bed. This whole week has been like that. Just a miserable son-of-a-bitch. Goes back to last Saturday i guess...

My boyfriend is still in college. He got laid off from his job a few years ago and took the opportunity to go back to school. Good for him. Really. I did the same thing. Only i quit a perfectly good job to go back to school and pursue a new career (which pays really well, but bores the living shit out of me these days and puts too many restrictions on what i can do with my personal life, i.e random drug tests, can't get treated for certain medical conditions). But i digress... Anyway, as a full time college student at a highly regarded university, E doesn't have much in the way of free time. I am lucky to have him for the little time i do on Friday nights and Saturdays. Well, most of Saturday now. His latest school project has him doing all sorts of crazy shit schedule wise and now he needs 5 hours out of Saturday to do this stuff for school. Fucking great. I don't get to see him all goddamn week and the ONE FUCKING DAY i should be able to spend time with him is now occupied by his school work. I guess i'm being a bit selfish, but FUCK. I work my ass off all week long, earning a living so i can have nice stuff and buy nice stuff for E and provide a secure future for the both of us, and now i can't even have one goddamn fucking day to spend with the man i love? Jesus Christ on a crutch. How frustrating.

I think i mentioned in a previous post how i took new days off (actual weekends off for once) in order to spend more time with E. See how that's backfired on me... What really annoys me isn't that he's gone five fucking hours out of the one day a week i get with him, but rather we can't plan a fucking thing to do. Can't plan an overnight trip, can't go for a hike (i mean the time he needs is from 11am until about 4pm, right in the middle of the goddamn day for fuck sake), can't go for a day trip, can't do a fucking thing. And come Sunday morning, POOF!!! he's gone for another week and i'm left wondering what the fuck.

On an unrelated note, E says i swear too much. Especially the "F" bomb. I wonder what the fuck he's talking about....

Anywho, i guess i just needed to vent. I know he's only doing what he needs to do. But what about me? I don't get any time with my man, i don't get to de-stress from the Hell that my job has become (unless you count the vast quantities of liquor i now consume), and i go back to work the next week more stressed out than i was the previous week.

My job is high stress (and those of you who know what i do will know what i mean). But despite it's stress levels, it bores me to death. Its always the same old shit. And not to blow my own horn, but i'm really good at what i do and it's really quite easy for me. This one does this, that one does that, everyone lives. But should i fuck up... Not that i would ever fuck up. So, i am an instructor at work. I warp young, impressionable minds into twisted voids of insanity. I really enjoy teaching. It's the only thing i like about my job anymore, and even it is becoming stale. So, i did the unthinkable...i bid on a management position. Yep, i'm now a traitor in the eyes of my peers. But fuck them anyway, i'll be the one laughing when i get the $30k a year pay increase AND get to tell them what to do!

Still, i wonder if i will be happy with that for long. I seem to get bored easily and need something new relatively frequently. But with all the bullshit of my job, i still can't have any real fun in my free time because of all the restrictions my job places on my personal life. It really annoys me that i can't have any fun, especially considering E smokes pot on occasion. I want to be able to have that to share with him. And my stupid fucking job won't let me. With the stress levels my job provides me, smoking a joint now and then would probably really do me some good. I'd probably drink a lot less. Time to find a new career. One that pays six figures and gives me some personal freedoms.

Depression has really been fucking with me lately. Yet another "benefit" of my job...just being diagnosed as "depressed" would cost me my employment, and forget about getting treatment. So, i get to suffer. E has mild depression (who doesn't these days), but my condition is a bit more serious than just being depressed. Both he and i have self diagnosed me with something more than just depression. Again, i lose my job if my employer finds out. Maybe i shouldn't be talking about this here... Whatever. You guys won't tattle on me, will you. But i do have one blessing. E. He loves me despite my condition and the mood swings and the shit i put him through from time to time. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that. He loves me. No matter what.

Well, if that isn't a random ass collection of thoughts, i don't know what is.

By the way, FUCK YOU, COMCAST!!! LICK MY FUCKING BALLS!!! I'M SICK OF PAYING GOOD FUCKING MONEY FOR YOUR SHITTY SERVICE!!! Oh, sorry, XFINITY. Whatever. You still FUCKING SUCK! Come on people, It's 2010. Getting reliable cable TV, internet and phone service shouldn't be such a problem. You wouldn't believe how often my cable goes out, or my phone, or perhaps worst of all, my internet. Good fucking God. What brought that on you ask? My cable is out AGAIN!!! The second time tonight. and when you call to ask why your $70/month cable TV is out for the second time in one evening? That's right, no dial tone on my phone. Lucky i still have internet, for now. This shit is enough to piss off the Pope.

OK, i'm having a bad day, can't you tell??? Sorry for being so grouchy. I hope it was at least amusing.

Oh yeah, i gave E a key to my house. I'm thinking of asking him to move in with me soon (especially considering that he lives in a shitty neighbourhood and i worry about him). BIG step, kind of scares me...

Until next time...

P.S. (Who actually reads this shit anyway? Should i even bother writhing this blog anymore?)