On the mend.

Well, i'm feeling a bit better today. Still not 100% though. I slept for 14 hours during the day on thursday, got just about as much sleep on friday, and was in bed before 2:00am saturday morning. Yes, thats early for me. I slept until about noon saturday. I got the whole rest thing down to a science. I would have slept longer, but...

I had to be ready to leave the house by about 1:00pm for my sorta kinda date today. I almost cancelled, but was feeling a lot better when i got out of bed today. Plus the guy i was meeting had left a voice mail and a txt to make sure we were still on. Couldn't well disappoint him now could i?

Now, i say sorta kinda date because we met on a less than high quality web site. But after exchanging two dozen emails, he seemed really sweet and pretty much on the up and up. I also say sorta kinda because neither of were really clear on our intentions. Are we meeting for the sole purpose of being friends, or are we meeting to hopefully kindle some sort of relationship? My hope is that it is the latter, and he said he'd see me again (although i've heard that before and it never happened).

I arrived at his apartment about 15 minutes early to pick him up. He worked that morning and was cleaning his place up when i arrived. He gave me a quick tour of his apartment and we were off. I kind of let him make the call as to what he wanted to do and where he wanted to go. Since he had only recently moved to the area from out of state and had never been to downtown Seattle, we went there to find someplace to have lunch. The drive down was pleasant. We seem to share a lot of common interests and ways of thinking. For example, we both have a very low tolerance for stupidity. :D I found that i wasn't having to make any comments about idiot drivers because he was doing it for me! I am really starting to like him. :)

I'm pretty crap at navigating the streets of Seattle, and so was a bit lost as to where exactly to go. But he didn't seem to mind, so it was all good. We finally came across a mall with parking underground (make sure you have good credit before parking there, coz it's fucking EXPENSIVE!). We made our way back to the street and started walking and came across a cute little Italian cafe. The menu looked good, so we went in and had lunch. The conversation over lunch was just as pleasant and intelligent as it was on the drive down. The more time i spent with him, the more i was really starting to hope that this first encounter would turn into something more.

After lunch, we drove up to Capital Hill, gay central for Seattle. We lucked out and found parking on the street and started walking around and talking and looking in shops. I was just enjoying being with him and talking. It was really nice. So, we come across a shop specializing in mens underwear. Only in the gay district. He wants to go in and have a look. I'm more than happy to oblige, because he is extremely cute and watching him pick out undies sent my imagination into overdrive. He picked out a few pairs of really cute undies, and was trying to decide whether he should get another pair or not. He didn't want to get them because he didn't want to spend the money on them. Well, me being the generous guy i am, i offered to pay for the pair he was considering. He seemed a little surprised, but i insisted. I am wondering if maybe i was a bit over the top with that move. Nothing wrong with being generous, but did i over step my bounds? I guess i was trying to impress him by being so aloof about spending money, but i am wondering in hindsight if that might have been the first nail in the coffin.

So, undies shopping complete, we went to yet another mall and did some more shopping. Somehow during our conversation, we got to talking about what we didn't like about our looks. I said i hated my tummy. No matter how much bike riding i do it's still there. And he said that it didn't really matter to him. A good thing i guess. He said his cheeks were too red and he didn't like his very little tummy, that he wanted chiseled abs. I just said i think both of those features are cute on him, and he blushed a bit and dismissed my comment and said he doesn't like them, to which i said "i like you the way you are". He just replied that he's very critical of himself, and i said i am the same way. I guess no matter how cute or attractive someone might be to me, they will have things they don't like about themselves, even if i think those features are part of what makes them attractive. Funny old world. I think i made it pretty clear that i was into him, not just how he looks, but his personality, his sense of humor, his ideals and morals, by some of the comments i made during our conversation. At one point he said he felt bad because it seemed like the day was all about him and not about me. I just said that being in his company was good enough for me, and that i was having a really good time just talking with him and hanging out, regardless if we went where i wanted to go or not. He just laughed, as if i was bullshitting him and i said sincerely, i liked being with him. Am i being a bit to open about my feelings? I don't want him to think i'm weird and drive him away too. I really want a shot at a relationship with him. Another nail in the coffin?

After about two hours of poking around the mall and riding the escalators we were both pretty tired. Him from getting up at 3:00am for work and me from getting over being sick. We then went back to his place and sat on his bed watching a movie for a while. We did more talking than movie watching, and after a while we were both laying on his bed, but not quite cuddling. I could tell he was getting really sleepy, and he did have to work the next day, although not until the afternoon. I asked if he wanted me to leave so he could go to bed, and he said no, so we continued to watch the movie and talk less as he got more tired. I made some comment about cuddling and he said that would put him to sleep for sure. The good news is he wasn't opposed to the idea. But, on a first "date", and with him being so tired i just decided to say goodnight and let him go to sleep. We made some talk as i was getting my shoes on and preparing to leave, and at this time i was feeling pretty self conscious, and a bit nervous because i had asked him if he would like to get together again sometime and wasn't exactly smooth about it. We hugged goodnight, and i was on my way out the door when i realized i had forgot my car key and wallet on his counter top. I tired to make some more talk, but was already feeling stupid from forgetting my wallet and keys and started rambling a bit, digging myself a little hole. I got a bit flustered and awkward. I even said to him that i was a bit shy and awkward and said how embarrassed i was. He said yeah, he could tell i was a bit shy and awkward, and that only made me more shy and awkward and made me blush a bit. Another couple nails in the coffin. We hugged goodnight and i was on my way home.

Bottom line: I am a social retard. Who knows, maybe he found my shy awkwardness cute or maybe he wants a guy who isn't such a self conscious fucking twit. I sent him a txt when i got home, saying that i had a really good time with him, and that i hope i didn't screw up by being too shy and nervous, and that i hope he sleeps well, goodnight! He didn't respond, but i'm sure thats because he's in bed fast asleep. I hope i didn't fuck this up. Not only is he cute (tall, slender build, dark hair and blue eyes...that eye/hair color combo is so cute!!), but he is an amazing person. He is super sweet, kind hearted, funny, intelligent, hard working, and on and on and on. Ugh...why am i such a retard?!

One last thought...during the course of our conversation, he told me what his favorite movie was. But when we got to his apartment and we were trying to decide what movie to watch, it turns out he doesn't have it on DVD. Would it be over the top if i bought it and gave it to him as a gift the next time we met? I guess only time will tell if i've screwed the pooch once again or if he will forgive my shy, nervous, awkwardness and give me another chance.