What's the point?

I have been doing a great deal of soul searching over the past few weeks, even more than usual. About coming out to my family, about living a long, painful lonely life and dying alone, about finding someone to love who will love me back, about the purpose of my existence, and back to being alone. I have had sleep issues for most of the last 15 years or so, and have been doing battle with depression for 20 years. The sleepless days and nights are caused by depression, and the depression is caused by being closeted, alone, and without purpose. So, i lay in bed staring at the ceiling, glancing at the clock, watching time slowly advance, and ponder my existence.

I was brought up in a Christian home. After my parents divorced, my mom was "born again" and would drag my sister, brother, and i to church every Sunday. It was shortly after this that i pretty much figured out that i'm gay. I was still trying to convince myself that i would marry a girl and have a family, etc for years after, but deep inside somewhere i knew that would never happen. I was a pretty lonely kid before then, so this only further served to deepen the loneliness i felt. I am pretty shy, and always have been, so making friends has never been an easy thing for me. But, that's ok, coz now i've got God on my side. He will help me to feel better, not so lonely. For years and years i prayed to God to ease my pain, help me find my way, help the loneliness to go away. Those prayers have still gone unanswered almost 20 years later. Eventually i came to realize that the reason my prayers were going unanswered is that no one is listening. I believe that something set the universe in motion, call it god for lack of a better term, but that "god" cares nothing for us humans. Just look at all the horrible things that happen in the world on a daily basis. How could a God who loves us and cares for us allow such things to go on? I'm not saying that god would micromanage and give someone the winning lottery numbers or strike dead the neighbors dog who keeps shitting on your yard. But on a much grander scale, look at the number of innocent children who die horrible painful deaths at the hands of some wretched disease, or some sick, perverted, child molesting rapist. No loving god would allow such things to go on. That is why i am convinced that religion is an invention of man, used as a tool to give their lives purpose, justify their existence.

So, what's the point of our lives? Why do we live only to die? I go to work everyday, and work hard. But why do i go to work? Food and shelter certainly, but i could have that if i were to quit my job and get on the government dole. No, i work hard so i can have a higher standard of life. But even that is seeming rather pointless these days. It comes full circle to being alone. I want to be able to share my life with someone, and make the work i do worth while again.

But finding someone to share my life with is an extremely difficult task. I know one other gay guy, and i have been trying to get together with him to talk for 9 months, and it hasn't happened. I can't even get together to talk, let alone go out someplace with him and mingle and meet people. The other person i am out to doesn't know any gay guys that he could introduce me to. I'm not talking about romance even, just a new friend to be able to talk and relate to. So, i try to meet people online. I send out message after message, introducing myself, not being a creepo, wanting only to talk make a new friend. But i get very few replies, and of those who do reply, they all flake out and sever contact after a few messages. So i still don't have any gay friends, no way of networking, and maybe finding a partner, someone to share my life with.

I have lost something like 45 pounds, but still have a long way to go. As i slowly lose weight and get in shape, i am still getting older and older. By the time i am finally presentable and marketable, i will be pushing 40. But even if i were in shape, i still have all my emotional baggage to deal with. I am guessing that even if i did find a boyfriend, i would manage to fuck things up with my insecurity, lack of confidence, and low self esteem. I have never had a reason to have any of these things, and still don't really, so they are all foreign concepts to me. Not something i can learn overnight. So once again, time marches on and i get older and the odds of me finding someone get slimmer.

I don't even know where i am going with any of this. I know that i am in love with a guy who will never love me back, and i can accept that, but i still have feelings for him. That hurts. Love is pain to me right now. I have a crush on another guy, who is gay, but for various reasons nothing will ever come of it and he will never find out how he makes me feel. Then there is my latest crush. I met him Monday night at my favorite pizza place. He is a server there. Now, my gaydar doesn't work for shit, but he was setting off alarms. I don't know for sure if he is gay or not, but i do know he is cute, and really very nice. He is younger than me, mid 20's i'd guess. So now what? One more guy for me to admire from afar, to dream about as i lay in bed alone? I don't know when he works even, so it's gonna be hard to go in and see him. Even if he is working, i may not get seated in his section. So, once again, i like a guy who i don't know for sure is gay, and who will be difficult to judge if he is being nice because it's his job, or if he's interested. He seems like a really sweet, nice guy. I am a horrible flirt, and i get really nervous talking to guys i like. But what do i have to offer him? He could get a much younger, better looking guy than me. I can't help but feel like i am setting myself up for failure by even entertaining the idea of asking him out.

My mind is drifting, i have a headache, and my eyes are burning. I need to lay down. Sorry for the random post. I doubt any of it makes any sense at all. I still can't find any purpose to my existence. Life seems to be one big monumental waste of time. I hope i'm wrong, but i really don't think i am.