My sister went home yesterday. Needless to say, she still doesn't know that i'm gay. After reading Torchy's comment on my last post, i got to thinking that i really don't know how my sister feels about gays. I was going to take the idea suggested by Torchy and make up some fictitious person at work who has come out to me, or talk about Adam getting hitched to his partner but the right opening in the convo never presented itself. Having my mom around all weekend didn't help me to bring this up either. In the end though, i have a feeling that i shouldn't tell her until i'm ready for my mom to know too.
This weekend, i got an email from a reader that really made me think . The email said that in her heart, my mom probably already knows that i'm gay. The writer of the email wondered what would hurt my mom more, that i'm gay or that i don't trust her enough to tell her. That really made me think. Could i be hurting her by keeping my secret from her? She knows i'm depressed and unhappy, and i'm sure that hurts her. What mother doesn't want her child to be happy? But does she know why i'm unhappy and depressed? If she really knew why i am so miserable, would she still want me to pursue happiness? I am still of the opinion that i would be disowned, but i could be wrong.
On a lighter note, i went out and bought a new pair of shoes on Saturday. I think i need another pair or two. The guy working at the shoe store is one of those guys who looks pretty average to the outside observer, but sets off alarms and bells in my heart and mind. He is really cute (to me anyway), slightly fem (i know, i'm stereotyping...sorry), and has some great tattoos. I don't remember the details of the tats (i was way to busy taking in his cute face and perfect tummy. :p), but he had ink on both of his arms. *sighs* I have not been able to get him out of my mind for even one second since seeing him Saturday afternoon. I see cute guys every time i go out it seems, but there is something about him that pushes all the right buttons, and ignites a fire inside of me. My gaydar doesn't work very well (if at all), but i got the feeling he may have been gay. No hard facts or proof, just a gut feeling. I really want to go back and talk to him some more, maybe put on my ultra huge ballz and ask him out. But i don't want to take a chance on asking him out not knowing for sure if he is gay. It would be odd finding excuses to go in and talk to him in any detail about anything, especially trying to find out if he is gay, since he is at work after all, and just how many pairs of shoes could i possibly need? LOL. I'm guessing just asking him if he is gay is out of the question, especially given the environment in which we would be talking. I'm a lousy flirt to begin with, and not knowing if he is gay or not makes it even more difficult. There is a good chance he'd think i'm a creepy old man for talking to him anyway, since he looks to be in his early to mid 20's. Just thinking about him makes me feel 10 years younger though. I'd really hate to let any opportunity pass me by, but my chances are slim to none even if he is gay i reckon. I guess he'll just wind up being another wank fantasy boy. This is really frustrating. Any advice you guys might have to offer would really be appreciated.
Not much else going on in my little world. It's still cold and rainy, i still have no boyfriend, and my laptop is full (only 500MB of free space remain on the hard drive). Guess i'll have to buy a portable hard drive and back it up, then delete all my files to make more room. I have been using my laptop as a back up for my music and pics and vids. Storing all of that on an external hard drive would work just as well i suppose. Either way, i need to do something. 500mb of free space is not conducive to downloading porn. :p As for the cold and rain and no boyfriend, maybe it's time i quit my job and go someplace else and start over.
I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I was busy with work and spending time with my sis, so i have a lot of catching up to do here in blogland. With any luck, the Easter weekend will have caused a slowdown and will make it easier for me to catch up. :) Laters.
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12 comments:
You know *my* mom felt hurt that I hadn't shared this part of my life with her. Of course I think she has other separation issues (this was the final thing, I think, that made her realize I'm no longer a child, have moved out, and independent).
Each family's different though...
And by the way: Try out some ecco's if you stop by to say "Hi" to the shoe guy. They're incredibly comfortable, and very stylish. ;-)
woot! 2 shoutouts in 1 post! awesome. lol. srsly i'm chuffed you thought it a gd enuf idea to try.
your chances with cute-shoe-guy are precisely zero... if you don't make an effort! nothing ventured and all that.
you should check out shannon's coming out story at shannonsofficialblogspot.blogspot.com it'll warm your heart and maybe give you pause for thought.
take care
torchy!
Is it a "upper-end" shoe store? Was the kid friendly?
Be yourself. If he's a fem man working in a shoe store he's 99% likely non-str8.
Tell him you are doing a makeover but have limited fashion sense. Like, "I need the 'queer guy for me guy' to help me out." See the hint? Ask him questions. Especially if he is not busy and you keep trying on shoes but buy some too. "Do you work on commission or shall I just take you to dinner?" Then grin and be slightly silly if you can. Like "camp" it up.
If he infers at all that he is not str8, ask him where to shop for some nice new clothes. "Shopping" is very gay. Maybe have a few drinks b4 u go in. LOL Not too many tho.
I think self deprecating humor is very sexy. NOT self mocking! The former reflects self confidence [fake it if u have 2!], the latter implies poor self image. You may have the latter, but, hey u r in sales now. As an ATC do you ever have to encourage some pilot and reassure him? That's an aura to project.
We have not IMd much lately. I'm on vacation... beam me up Scotty!
steevo [1 beer down...]
.
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yeah man, i resonate what you're talking about regarding ur mom.
My mom always asks why i'm down and what is bugging me. I don't really tell her much more than that i'm a little lonely. If i told her the real reason i think she would have wished i told her sooner. it would have made a lot more sense.
as far as the shoe guy and gaydar... i'm as lost as you are. tho.... i found out there are gay places in the city i live in... like coffee shops and stores... not necessarily bars. I know i was joking about gay bars. but maybe u could see if there's a 'pride' part of town u could go to meet some gay guys. not necessarily for a relationship right away, just to network... i dunno... it's an idea.
i guess i'm kind of a hypocrite, cuz i haven't done any of that, but yeah hopefully soon
hang in there man,
peace
Jordan
Moms always seem to know, whether you think they do or don't. After all, they raised you, etc. So, consider that carefully in making your decisions.
I won't comment on the flirting thing cuz I am a total reject at that. Meh.
Like you said "What mother doesn't want her child to be happy?" I would imagine that would be true even if she didn't approve, you're still her son, no matter what.
Ask him for advice!
Oh, for external drives, get one that has Firewire or eSATA if your computer supports it. The faster transferring vs. USB is worth it.
Deadwing
i know how you feel about your mother and now that mine is dead i sometimes feel guilty she died without knowing
but maybe as your emailer suggests she had figured it out they are mothers but then again if you had reason to believe she would reject you like a conversation i over heard of my mothers
then i think its best not to say anything to confirm her suspisions. Do not start this process with that arguement unless she is the hill you have to go thru to be free
the moving part to a warm place i still like that idea myself
take care and be safe
bob
I am in the same boat as you man...
Me and you have all the same problems and concerns...
But I do need to interject a comment. YOU BOUGHT SOME NEW SHOES!!!
FUCK YEAH!!!
They better not be the shoes u told me about before, and you better have bought only one pair!
I'll holla atchu later, I am headed back to the states!! YAAAAAY!
I have similar concerns about my mom. I am pretty sure that deep down she knows. She kind of asked me once, but I denied it. However, I am almost 100% certain that it would ruin my relationship with her. I don't think there is anything to be gained from telling her. If I were in a serious relationship, maybe, but until then- I am going to wait. If nothing else, I want someone to cry to when she breaks down from disappointment. It will happen- there is no doubt in my mind-- complete cluster-fuck.
On that happy note--
I will talk to you soon-- one of these days Ill stay up late enough to catch you west coast people :-)
STeve
I'm gonna put the cat among the pigeons!
I told my Mum (&Dad)when I was 21. It made my Dad v difficult for several years - though eventually he reluctantly came around. I loved my Mum too much not to share something this important.
Though it made things diff. for a while I think its ESSENTIAL that Mum is told, whatever anyone's family is like.
You'll never forgive yourself if she goes to her grave and you've still not told her your gay. Just make certain that you have someone else to run back to (like a nice Shoe Shop Salesman (!) )if she cuts up rough to start with.
Bet you, she'll be fine though, when she's got used to the idea. So much will suddenly make sense to her. She won't stop loving you. You're her son, for God's sake!
Cute. Shoe. Guy. :)
@gauss jordan: i imagine my mom has similar issues. but listening to her talk, i don't know that she would ever accept me if she knew. thanks for the shoe tip. :p
@torchy!: :) 2 shout out's for the price of 1...lol. and it was a good idea. i've read shannon's coming out story. almost had me crying. i seriously doubt coming to my family would be anywhere near as positive. :(
@steevo: good advice, my friend. lets see if i have the balls to pull it off.
@jordan: i'm sure if i told my mom the real reason i'm so lonely and depressed, things would make much more sense to her. but idk if it will change her warped views on being gay.
@seth: yeah, mom's do seem to know all...kinda scary. on some level i'm sure she must know, but hasn't been able to or doesn't want to accept that i'm queer.
@s: it makes sense doesn't it? why wouldn't she want me to be happy? but at the same time, i can't see her accepting me being gay, happy or not. Thanks for the hard drive tip...went with a WD 500GB external, firewire and all. cheap, but i'll prbly wish i'd gone for the 1TB.
@bob: i have every reason to believe she will not accept me,and almost no reason to believe she will. and not having anyone to turn to for support in real life would not make it any easier.
@randy: yeah...one hell of a boat to be on isn't it? no, not the same, and yes, only bought one pair.
@steve: i'm with you, my friend. i'm almost 100% certain it would ruin our relationship, and i have no one to turn to tel comfort me (like a boyfriend). i'm looking forward to talking to you!
@micky: to say it would make things difficult with my family if i came out would be difficult. and sadly, i don't have a nice shoe shop salesman to run back to. :( i'm sure things would make more sense to her, and she may not stop loving me, but i doubt things would ever be the same. she would pity me and try to change me, not accept me.
@tracy: not just cute, but VERY cute! :p *sighs*
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