On friday when i got to work, i ran into Eric as he was heading out the door to go home for the weekend. We got to talking and he actually stayed for about half an hour past the end of his shift just to talk to me. :) We wound up talking outside since the weather was actually nice that day. We just did a bit of catching up since we haven't seen each other in a while. Turns out he's off to Florida for a week of fun in the sun. Just the thought of him in any sort of swimwear makes me feel tingly. :p As we were talking, the sun was hitting his eyes and hair in just the right way. God, he is the most beautiful thing on this earth. I was positively glowing standing there talking to him. He makes me feel so happy and at peace. I had the strongest urge to grab him, pull him close and give him a kiss he would never forget. *sigh*
Anyway, as we were talking, the convo got round to my new car. Eric is as big a car nut as i am, and we frequently talk cars and such. About 2 months ago, i bought a 2009 Audi S5 (black on black). I love that car, and so does Eric. To quote him, "that is one sexy car". Indeed. :p So, when i first got the car, i gave Eric the grand tour, showed him all the bells and whistles, played the stereo for him, and gave him a short ride around the parking lot in it. Well, on friday as we were talking, he asked if my car was broken in yet and if i'd had any fun with it yet. I said yes it was broken in and yes, i have had some proper fun with it. He said "i would love to drive a car like that". I said, "you wanna take it for a spin?". He just looked at me and said "are you serious?". Now, understand, i am very picky about my car and i really don't like other people driving it at all. But, i saw a golden opportunity do a little bonding with Eric, and i took it.
Since i hadn't signed in yet, and he was off duty, we went for a short drive (normally we can't leave the facility when we are on duty). I took Eric over to my car, had him get in the drivers side and fire her up. He got the seat and mirrors all set up and we went out and had a bit of fun (driving that is :p). It was only a short trip, about 10 minutes, but Eric really enjoyed it. He had the silliest of grins on his face the entire time. I think i made his day, cos when we got back, he put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a little pat on the back and said "thanks man...that was awesome". That made my day. :D
Of course, all of this does nothing for me and trying to get over Eric. I grow more fond of him (if that is even possible) everyday. The way he makes me feel is indescribable. I suppose it is rather pathetic of me to feel this way about a guy i will only ever know as a friend, but i can't help it. I guess all i can do is hope that someday, my feelings for him will peak, and i will then start to regain my sanity. I just hope that i will be able to meet someone who not only makes me feel like Eric does, but will be able to return those feelings.
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17 comments:
that car is sex on wheels - just like I like 'em - I saw one yesterday at the gym (btw - I emailed u I hope u got it)
Straight-itis.
Nice! Always a little fun to show off and get a little closer with friends. I, good sir, am remarkably envious of the S5 though... and you realize that as a homo, you're (apparently) 5X more likely to drive an Audi than the general population? ;-)
Between you and Randy you both have me questioning whether I should keep at my career in corporate america or just quit and go after something else with a little more short-term gain.
That's great news mate! You are one step closer to luring him to a table and plastic wrap. :P
I have a no-attraction policy with straight guys now for this very reason. Fell in love with too many of them.
At least I'm glad of this: that Eric is nice to you and that he is a good friend. That is something I think we all need, no matter who it comes from.
Like many gay guys; I've fallen for straight guys in my time. Lol! One in particular I've been friends with for about 30 years now. Had some "sex sessions" with him when we were at school and thought I was in love with him for years. Now though, my policy is the same as James'. I have fantasies, but that's all! I'll never allow myself to get obsessed with / fall in love with a straight guy again.
Take care,
Col
ps. Lol @ x!
pps. Thanks for following my blog!
feck man, I am jealous...
why havent you offered me a ride yet????
It's a shame they're replacing the V8 with a V6 in the next version. I'm envious; I see and hear one everyday.
Don't feel bad, you can't help it. Just remind yourself of the lines.
@goleftatthefork: yeah, it's sex on wheels alright. :p i get more looks in that car than in any other cars i've ever owned combined. i especially like when the cute guys are checking me...i mean my car...out. :D
@seth: a very bad case too i'm afraid... :(
@gauss jordan: who'd have thought that audi was a "gay" brand of car? yeah, it is fun to show off once in a while, even more fun being close to eric. :p as far as a career change, me thinks that you will be better off where you are in the long run. although, as long as you are under 31, you could come do what i do...they are hiring like mad right now. :)
@x!: one step ahead of you...went to costco yesterday and bought heaps of plastic wrap. :D i bought extra for you to use on deadeyes. :P
@james: generally, i have the same no straight guys policy. the trouble is that i sorta fell for him prior to knowing much about him, and he seemed like he may have been bi at the very lest (he still may be...just coz he's got a girlfriend don't mean anything, but i'm not holding my breath). so given that i fell so hard for him before i knew too much, i am having a real hard time getting over him. besides, i have no control over who i am attracted to...i sure wish i did though.
@col: OMG...i would kill for just one "sex session" with eric!!!! but, again, i fell for him before knowing he had a gf...
@randy: well, u are not here. :P
@s: yeah, that car will not be the same without the v8...that is partly why i bought it when i did...i didn't want to miss out on that glorious v8 power. and the sound...omg...one of the best exhaust notes ever to come from a car. but thanks, i really can't help how i feel, but i wish i could. those lines get blurry sometimes...i just love the way he makes me feel, and that only makes me want to be with him more. ugh...what a mess.
i'm not gonna comment coz i'm jealous that your car is better than mine.
doh. oh well, as i'm here, i might as well. i'll just check out gauss' link
FCKN HELL!! if an audi driver is 5x more likely to be a homo, a saab driver is 18 times more likely ffs!!! what car do i drive? jeez, i must be more of a raving bender than i thought! omg.
back on topic... glad it went well for you DW, but like the others have said, work on the friendship, coz good friends are valuable, but better not get too hooked on eric the str8 boy :(
have fun tomorrow
take care
torchy!
DW
how can you be a gas gusler that thing has a V8. Nothing like a nice car to turn a guys attention to you
well it was a short ride but it was a ride lol. I f you have a moment you would look at this
http://ridngthewave.blogspot.com/
btw i am with torchy saab driivers are most likely to be gay me and my 95 anyways. We should race some day lol
take care and be nice
bob
Yea it is nice to get a funny feeling in your pants by exciting a straight crush... but like you said it probably will only lead to disappointment :-(
Also 30 points for Gauss Jordan who is the only person to include citations (via url links) multiple times in a single msn conversation. Thats resourcefulness, and I like it :-)
Much Love- Ill catch you on MSN someday...
Steve
@Planettx_123: And I go where to redeem points?
Hah. The verification word for this comment was "fackha." Sounds like what a Bostonian would say if someone cuts him off in traffic.
DW, I don't know if you want to hear my opinion, but in case you do, well, here it is. You may have been born in a Chinese year of the Dragon, 1976 - then that is where the balls came from. Looks and personality don't guarantee much, I have neither, and I'm quite poor as well. Yet I've had 3 stunning partners so far, each for several years, all younger than me. The other 2 moved on due to expanded horizons but we are still intimate friends. Each new one became more difficult to handle - every time I needed all I had learned from the previous one. A mixed blessing .. On the negative side it was expensive, traumatic, time consuming - it has put me back with regards to making a living.
Oscar Wilde said, "In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it." I understand that one feels intensely deprived and ashamed if one has never had a partner. Been there. It is more than just wanting somebody around for company. To the soul it is like a matter of status. Trouble is, others can sense this strong need and will run, not knowing what you might do. I resigned myself to, at least, try and have platonic friends, and then developed products and services (gifts) I could offer. Next I went up to number one (at university) and flatly said "I want to be a friend of yours. How should I go about that?" No emotion required.
He "had no free time" but was willing to obtain his printed astrology interpretations from me. Other services followed, some requiring personal interaction. My motivation really was that I'm interested in him as a friend, keeping it brotherly. Soon he was out to me and that's okay, I'm one too! Didn't mean we were sex partners yet, that happened later, on a hiking trip. Well today he has someone else, however he has made a condition with this guy that I'm special and that he needs to see me alone at times. It went more or less the same way with the others. Number two I initially had to help with his dangerous, drunken family. Number three with a job, a place to live, and his severe depression. All are doing great today.
So, I have some tips, all IMHO of course. Firstly, list all you could offer - just like that ride in your car. It has to be spiritual love, not business - meaning you are interested in helping others live a greater life, and you're not expecting a return. If sex and a relationship is what they want next, then you can offer that too. Think of all you have that the (poorer) shoe salesman perhaps doesn't. Over here most have to live without a pool table, home gym, decent audio, swimming pool, fast internet connection, 6-stage filtered water, a car that can reach the next city, or even just a safe and comfortable place to hang out. I got one partner by helping him compose his CV/resume (close together at the PC). I make reliability my main feature, never impatient.
Tip second is, do have straight friends. I got another partner through a straight friend who then married the most perfect girl I've ever met, and guess what her brother is gay. We all have invisible guides who arrange these things, IF we are useful; the other boy has guides too, you must have some of what he needs. But that was tip one .. Among straights over here it is normal to flatly ask how each other's love life is going. Should he ask you in return you could just sigh and deplore romance in general. Should he turn out to have a girlfriend, that is good, be enthusiastic and interested. At least then you know as well.
Third tip, you have to really love yourself - to see that you are not alone, because you will always have yourself. Good that we worship other people, but they themselves usually feel that they are just humans. They don't want to live up to our illusions. On the other hand, you are more attractive if you relax and know what is special about yourself. As Terence said (ca 190-158 BC), "Nothing human is alien to me." Negatively seen it means that the worst a human can do won't upset me (even when I may act to prevent it). Positively, it means I can appreciate and enjoy everything - at least, nothing stops me. Salvador Dali once said, "Every morning upon awakening, I experience a supreme pleasure: that of being Salvador Dali."
All that we know is faked by ourselves, as this world is an illusion. Even sex is a live performance. A good actor turns into the character he plays. We have to think what went before and what happens next, or we crash the car. Not so different either from offering a ride in the car. We know we're being taken for a ride by consumerism but decide to buy into it, to make something cultural of it - more than just a wank. We can get better at giving and receiving, but always through our own conscious effort .. I have to go. Sorry for the chaos, never any time :)
Have I mentioned get out and circulate?
I know shit about cars, but i like pretty shiny ones that go fast and if they smell like leather, well fuck me now! LOL
I can make scones too! Let's see... garden advice, proof read, copy edit, killer sauerbratten...better than _some sex_ I've had. Dan, it was all my fault! I listen real good... if I ever remember to shut up.
Well that's a start...
steevo in cali [home with bad cold, NOT pig flu... i checked with my doc. she sez it is not pig flu.]
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@torchy!: lol...my car isn't better, just different. ;) and it's too late...i am already hooked on eric the str8 boy. *sighs* i wish i could tell my heart to fuck off, and just forget him, but that hasn't worked yet. :(
@bob: gas guzzlers FTW!!! really, i paid a $1300 gas guzzler tax on that car. stupid really, because it gets better mileage than my old car, which didn't have a gas guzzler tax. fckn government. yes, lets race! and if only i could grab the attention of some gay guys with my ride...lol.
@steve: yeah, it is a bit of fun, but at the same time it hurts like hell coz we will never be anything more than friends. i know this, yet i still long for more and my feelings for him go way beyond just friends. looking forward to seeing ya on msn.
@gauss jordan: LOL!! "move it ya fackha!!!"
@mr mccabbage: thanks for the comment. maybe you are right. maybe my need for love and companionship is sensed by others and that scares them away. or perhaps my problem is that i don't have anything of any real substance to offer. either way, the result is the same. i have lived by the golden rule. i try to live a good, honest life. i may not be entirely alone, but i am most certainly tired of my own company. and no worries about the chaos. :)
@steevo: well, this car is pretty, shiny, fast and smells of leather. :) getting out and circulating isn't much fun by ones self. and not much to do on my days off. i hope you feel better soon!
DW, all this is easy, and you do qualify. Living a good, honest life is however way too ordinary, and the golden rule (as usually interpreted) is only a minimum requirement, towards acquaintances. We insist on being just ordinary, as a defence - nobody dares to presume. But you yourself would soon terminate a relationship, had he a great body but an ordinary mind. Our souls are not ordinary. They are wicked, a word that can be widely matched: German - Wichtel (pixie/elf), wich/weich (soft, smooth, tender), Wichs (gala dress, glad rags), wichsen (thrash, masturbate). English - Wicca (ethnic West-European magick), wicker (plaited twigs), wicket (small gate within larger gate, for pets, or faeries). People don't only want "real substance", they are looking for magic - see what trivialities are selling best in the world.
Try to be a pro supplier of love and companionship, wanting to exchange yours with others only for the benefit of variety, not because you have any lack yourself .. as if you were a wine collector and exchanged bottles with others. And having something to offer is no use if we don't know how to offer it. The homes of the rich tend to be surprisingly uncomfortable compared to certain guest houses. It just requires a different mindset. Why do the poorer people usually have the better coffee? My poorest friend last time had real Chinese high mountain tea (whole leaves) and a Spirulina drink as well, plus inventive ways to serve it. The whole world is left outside when visiting there, so that when I leave I see the city in a fresh way. No drugs and/or personality needed, he does it by being open and interested.
If you are tired of your own company, new lovers will soon be tired too. Impossible for the real you to be tired of itself, so you must be knowing a limiting mask as yourself. At least get a less ordinary mask then? Do see the film "The Bucket List" and "Fried Green Tomatoes" as well. Also read the thick blue book "A Course In Miracles", because culturally it is a marvel that this thing could have been written, and because it will move along a few things for you. Thx!
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