FAIL

I have been having a recurring dream rather frequently lately. The details are fuzzy at best, but the ending is crystal clear. Somehow, in my dream Eric and i end up kissing. When i wake up (and i always wake up mid kiss some where), i can still feel his lips on mine, and i can still smell him and feel his warmth. A good dream. It gives me just a few moments of pure bliss before i fully wake up and realize it was all just a dream. Then reality sets in. Hard and fast.

I woke up to this dream again this morning just a few minutes before my alarm went off. I actually had to get up early today (10:30am...early for me considering i didn't get to bed until after 5:00am). I had some lame, waste of time doctors appointment to go to at 11:15. After the doctor, i went back home to pick up some stuff i needed to return, and had forgot to bring with me in the first place. I forget shit a lot lately...must be part of getting old.

After returning my stuff and running a few errands, i decided to see if cute shoe boy was in at the mall. This time, he was. He was actually the only one in the store when i was there. And i was the only customer. Seemed like perfect conditions. Long story short, i asked him his opinion on some shoes, and asked for a little fashion advice. He was quite friendly, and i wound up complimenting his tattoos. He just said "thanks", and we went back to trying things on. When the time seemed right, i rather awkwardly asked if he'd like to get a cup of coffee or something sometime. "Really?" was his reply. I said yes, really. Then he said "I'm sorry, that just won't be possible". No further explanation, no nervous laugh, or appearance of being flattered or embarrassed. His response was really neutral. I could feel my face turn red, and i instantly felt so sick to my stomach, i thought i was gonna puke. I don't blame him for telling me to fuck off. I probably traumatized him, and now he'll be scarred for life. I did buy a pair of shoes from him after all that though.

Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck. Fucking failure and rejection strike yet again. At least my 100% rejection record remains intact. Do you know what made me ask him? Not having huge balls or being courageous or brave. Desperation, loneliness, delusion, and sheer fucking stupidity were the driving forces behind my actions. What the fuck was i thinking? What made me think that i had even one chance in a billion with a guy like him?

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. Every avenue i have explored thus far has lead me to the same dead end. Oh i know, get back on the horse, try again, etc. It took all i had to do that and now i'm spent. After my shitty waste of time experience on various dating sites, and now this, i've had about all the rejection i can handle for a while. Maybe after i've had shit loads of cosmetic surgery and a personality transplant, i'll give it another go.