I seem to have hit a bit of a speed bump. After making some decent progress in a relatively short time, i am lost as to what to do next or how to accomplish certain things. Everything i need to do is dependent on some other thing. A lot of things need to happen simultaneously, or at least relatively close together. Ugh...frustrating.
As you may or may not know, i came out to my friend Adam at work last week. He is the first person from my personal life that i have told i'm gay. He was an obvious choice, because he too is gay. And who better to understand and accept me than another gay guy? Well, now that i've got the easy one out of the way, who's next? More friends and people i trust at work? Friends (and i don't have many) from outside work? God forbid, my family? Granted, there are one or two people in my family who will likely accept me, but the vast majority will not. My "friends" outside work are not very likely to be accepting, and as much as it pains me, i am prepared to cut them loose if they don't. People at work are a different story. Most are likely to be accepting. Some will act like they are accepting to my face, but will still have inherently homophobic views and think of my being gay as a sickness, or just plain gross. I know, because i've heard them talk behind Adams back. The good news is that i don't give a shit about most of those people now, so it won't matter what they think if i were to come out.
Meeting people has always been a challenge for me. As i have mentioned in previous posts, i am pretty shy in social situations. I am especially shy when i'm around someone i'm attracted to. I get real quiet, and can't even manage to carry on even the most mundane small talk let alone flirt. But lets just pretend for a moment that i'm not a coward, and that i have the balls to approach a guy i'm interested in. Say i'm at the mall, and I see a cute guy and want to talk to him. How can i even think about talking to him, and maybe even flirt, if i don't know if he's gay? I can't just approach random guys that tickle my fancy and flirt! That's a good way to get my ass kicked. I'm pretty sure the last thing a straight guy wants to hear from another guy is how good his hair looks, or that his shirt really accentuates his eyes. Some might be flattered, but most will want to go get their buddies and do a little queer bashing. What's protocol for flirting with guys? I'm lost. lol. Oh, the answer is simple you say, just go where there are a lot of gay guys. With the exception of gay bars and clubs (i'm not really into the whole bar scene, and even if i were, not much happening on a Tuesday night when i have off), just where in the hell am i gonna find a bunch of gay guys? There are a lot of programs in my area that have meetings and activities for gay youths, but nothing for old farts like me. And those online dating sites? A fucking joke. Looks like i'm going to have to risk taking a beating and start hitting on guys at the supermarket.
In any event, before i can start hitting on guys in the produce section of the Safeway, i need a makeover. Badly. Problem number one: I don't know shit about fashion. It's not that i don't want to look good, i just don't know how. Problem number two: Assuming i did know a little something about fashion, finding clothes that fit me properly is a challenge. It would seem that i'm rather oddly proportioned (i could stand to be a few inches taller). lol With most brands of clothing, especially with shirts, the ones that fit well around my chest are usually too long. Shoes are another story. I have big feet (size 14w or 15 depending on the shoe) and most stores only stock up to size 12, 13 at the largest. Sure i can order them, but no guarantee they will fit. So in order to look my best, i need to not only be well dressed, but i also need to shed a few extra pounds. In order to do that, i need to radically change my diet. Not an easy task given my odd work hours and otherwise hectic schedule. I order take out a lot, and really don't have the time to cook proper meals. But i am walking a lot again. I get about 4 miles in 3 or 4 days a week. So, that's a start but i need to add some strength training in too, and i really don't have time to go to the gym.
As you can see, there is much to be done. There is a rough outline of a plan, but not much in the way of actual processes for implementing said plan. So much is dependent on everything falling into place. Just one critical failure, and the whole plan is shot to hell. And all while father time is hunting me down. lol. I still battle depression and bouts of self loathing on an almost daily basis. I am doing my best to put all that behind me,and keep moving forward. But as many of you undoubtedly know, as much as we may want to put it behind us an move on and be happy, it isn't all that simple. For me to be really, truly happy, i need to find a guy who will love me as much as i love him. For me to find such a guy, i need to know where to find him and talk to him. To talk to him i need to boost my self confidence and overcome my shyness by looking better and feeling better about myself, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat. Granted that list isn't in the least all inclusive. There are still a lot of emotional and psychological issues that need to be dealt with on a much deeper level. But, it would be a huge step forward in resolving a lot if i didn't feel so alone and had someone to share my life with.
Alrighty then, once again it's back to work today and i have been up all night and work is only a few hours away. I am trying to stay positive and motivated. After all, my problems are petty and insignificant in comparison the what some people have to face. But those feelings of loneliness, emptiness and worthlessness keep working their way to the surface. Ugh...must...keep...moving!
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12 comments:
It's always the catch 22 with the gay flirt... especially for us older guys with no experience.
Yeah, self confidence comes with feeling good about yourself.
A suggestion - certainly where I am from, a gym is a really good place to start. A LOT of gay guys go to gym to check out the talent around here. Even the big buff muscle guys who you would never suspect lol. Its a good place to start and will kill a couple of birds with one stone.
I met my man in a swim course, which I took up to improve my crawl technique (and get into shape). He claims that I made the first step by looking too deep into his eyes. I claim, he made the first step by kissing me. Whatever, it worked out and last year we tied the knot.
Based on my personal experience, I follow Sethy's advice. If you want to take up sport, do it were you can meet other men. There you can observe your object of desire and you don't have to act at first sight. And you'll have another common interest besides of men.
YAY on the walking! That is excellent! Regardless of your physical appearance, I almost guarantee it will help some with your mood. When I was swimming regularly, any day I swam I didn't have a depressive episode. So, I encourage you in that.
I have no opinion on fashion. I have very little more on food, except that most places that provide take out do provide more healthy options, etc. Go for those when you can't back out, or pick a better place to get your food.
I do feel like I need to make a note, though: the depression will be with you forever. We don't "get over it." It can become less intense and less frequent, but it'll always be there. What you CAN do (and already are starting to do) is to learn to deal with it and live with it in a healthy way.
On a high note, I think flirting comes with gay maturity. I was 100% the same as you. But when I started to come out, started to gain confidence, and started to not give a shit about my old fears, now all of a sudden I can do it. But yes, flirt with gay guys only if possible. XD
I totally agree with Sethy (well with everyone really). It seems like a vicious circle when you feel that being able to do one thing is solely dependant on being able to do another, which is dependant on being able to do another... which you can't do YET!
Take small steps. I don't know what you're shape is, but look at sites online, or catalogues/brochures for the larger man, to get a idea of how great you could look. The right colour and fitting clothing can also make you look much slimmer. You don't have to spend a fortune on designer labels to look great either. And, the money you save by not buying designer brands can go towards your gym membership cost.
Do they have personal shoppers in the department stores where you live? If they do; make an appointment. You don't even have to buy anything (well, you don't over here), but he/she will be able to give you some excellent advice/suggestions.
No advice about flirting because I can't do it either lol! I've got the body and the fashion right, but not the confidence yet. I'm working on it though... slowly but surely lol! (like I said... small steps).
Good luck and take care,
Col
p.s. sorry, I got carried away and didn't realise how long my comment was :(
LOL, DW! What am I gonna do with you.
First off, start sleeping more. I dont like the idea of someone in your position tired and groggy on the job. :P
Second, have you considered the style tips I gave you. Remember, on bigger guys, sport jackets work wonders. For heavy set guys I think style is very important for self confidence. Look at Tony Soprano, not necessarily sexy, but on the show he has GREAT style. He comes off as highly confident, and in turn very handsome, and he's an old bald fatty.
Your personality is fuckin awesome me thinks. So you have to get over yourself, and put your best foot forward, use what god (sky daddy) gave ya. :P
I cant tell ya how to meet other dudes, I'm in the same boat.
And I can honestly say, I can't wait for someone to try and gay bash me, ROFL, they'll have their hands full. I could be a pretty mean bastard when I need to be. And am no stranger to the whoop ass can.
As far as working out, its just like we talked about. BABY steps.
Turning from a guy who's been heavy all his life, to a fit, healthy dude requires lifestyle change. Dont go from hamburgers to salad, just like that... Slowly transition. The weight WILL come off, and it will stay off...
AND you have to be serious about this. Dedication will pay off. Every time I talk to ya, your eating pizza. Next time I want ya to say "i'm eating a tuna sandwich."
NO CRASH DIETING YOU FRUIT CAKE!
Stay positive, and keep your chin up kid!
Can I like, copy your entire post to my blog? Because its completely ME too. Well, most of it.
Coming out can be a sudden process, or a long, planned progression. You don't need to rush into anything for the sake of doing it. You also don't "need" to do it, if you don't feel comfortable. I know that sounds counter-productive but in the beginning it can help you move forward as you discover yourself without the pressures of dealing with others.
I also can't comment on the flirting thing, because as I tell people, my "gaydar" not only does not function, mine was never properly installed. *sigh* So I can't even tell who to flirt with, and besides I am so far from gay "looking" that no one ever thinks I ~AM~ gay at all. Speaking of supermarkets, I tried once to flirt with an obviously gay stockboy, and it sort of went nowhere for the above reason. Just an awkward question about cookies. Meh.
I know all about the clothing and style issue too, or I should say I'm in that same boat. It sucks. I've given up caring about style, although a bit concerned about physical issues - good for you that you are at least walking, that's a good start. Every little bit helps. You can order takeout and still make healthy selections (it's just a bit more effort) - and that will help too. If you need some advice there, feel free to ask me. Although I don't always practice what I preach, I do know a fair amount about food issues.
Don't put your problems down as petty. They are things in YOUR life you need to deal with. Maybe not so drastic compared to others' plights, but they greatly affect YOUR life, and that's what is important.
Anyway I've probably written a longer comment than your post. Hang in there, keep your head up.
:)
verification word: cransms - cranberry flavored text messages
If only you could see a psychologist...
Cos i'm sure these are issues inside my head, and not what other people would see. I see an amazing guy who's one of my best friends, and in real life you would be too. :)
massive lovehugs.
hey dw,
epic. it's such a catch 22 situation.
You've hit the nail on the head though with the 'To talk to him i need to boost my self confidence...by looking better and feeling better about myself, etc.'
In order to be able to have a proper relationship, you need to first learn to love yourself. That means taking steps to feel good about yourself - eating better, exercising more, sleeping more, getting some fashion advice, doing good things. But it also means simply accepting that who you are and what you are isn't going to change, and that you are actually a good, nice, loving and lovable person at your core, and that you are inherently good just as you. Then you can see that everything else is just superficial... that you deserve to be loved, and that you deserve someone loving and caring just like you.
Keep it up dude, you're doing great stuff by even just writing about it, helping with the whole acceptance thing.
Kia kaha
~kiwi
I know *precisely* where you're coming from! I recently started coming out, and have been going through a lot of the same things. I told some friends from work first, actually, while we were on a vacation in Vegas (I *really* need to go write that up on the blog). After that, I've been telling random friends whenever dating comes up, though I do have one friend who literally introduced me with this line just last weekend: "Hey, here's ___, he's an engineer I work with, he's smart, funny, and gay, and we need to find him a nice guy!"
How do you follow that? ;-) It's fun, though as you start to tell more people. It has been for me, anyway.
~G.
Thanks to all for the advice!
@Sethy: I have been thinking about joining a gym...i just wonder if i'd use the membership, as my schedule is pretty tight. But, of i can meet guys and get in shape, may be worth it.
@gomad.ch: You guys are making a good case for joining a gym. And congrats on tying the knot! :)
@James: I hope the depression goes away, if not completely, then at least to the point i am actually happy most of the time.
@Col: get carried away all you want. :p I am happy to receive any and all advice. Thanks!
@Randy: Thanks for the compliment and all the advice! I have indeed considered the style advice you gave me, and just need to get off my ass and head out shopping. Hopefully some of the people at the stores you suggested will be able to point me in the right direction. I have been making some adjustments to my diet, and in exercising more often. As i've said before, i like to see instant results. So making small changes and setting long term goals is tough. But, so far so good...i'm in it for the long haul.
@Seth: LOL. Copy if you want, but i want royalties. :p I might just take you up on some food advice sometime.
@Mirrorboy: Thanks heaps buddy. :)
*glomp* :D
@Kiwi: So very true. I think that learning to love myself again is going to be the most difficult part of this whole thing. I am trying and making progress very slowly. Old habits die hard, and years of self loathing have really beaten me down. Thanks for the vote of confidence!
@Gauss Jordan: An introduction like that would certainly be a bit tough to follow. :p I've got you linked, and thanks for the comment.
i'd go along with all the others, except to say that i'm sceptical about how effective walking is at weight loss.
i'd say you need to do proper cardio, e.g. running, cycling, rowing or cross-training if you want to shift pounds. it has deffo worked for me.
torchy!
@torchy: i have dropped some weight just walking and doing push ups and crunches. You are right tho, not gonna be enough in the long run. I need a new bike (the one i have now is really uncomfortable to ride, which is why i don't ride it much). Eric and i were talking about doing some bike rides together this summer (if that isn't motivation to get my ass on a bike, i don't know what is). but, with his new days off, i don't know if that will happen anymore. :( rowing would be good too..tone my chest and get cardio.
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