School Daze

Hi everyone. Once again, thank you all for the support, comments and love you have all shown me. It really means a lot. OK, enough sap. :p A few small things before i get on with the post. First, I want to encourage you to ask any questions you may have of me. My email address is listed below the 'about me' section on the right. Just sub a "@" for the"(at)" and you're golden. Second, a few people have asked about my name "Deadwing" and my display pic. The name is taken from the band Porcupine Tree and their album "Deadwing". The album strikes a chord with me, and so i "borrowed" the name. My display pic is also taken from a Porcupine Tree album. It is the cover art for their "Fear Of A Blank Planet" album. The photo is by Danish artist, filmmaker, and photographer Lasse Hoile. He's an incredibly creative guy, with some really 'out there' concepts and ideas.

On with the post...

As i mentioned in my first post, i had my first crush on a boy in first grade. His name was"James". Now, in first grade, i had no idea what those feelings were. I had no concept of homosexuality whatsoever. I just knew i felt differently towards James than i did other boys, or girls for that matter. James was in my class from Kindergarten through sixth grade, so i was around him a lot.

Into junior high, our class split up. We had different periods in the day, but James was still in my home room and in my PE (gym) class. What a shock when i found out we had to shower together after class! I was scared to death that i would become "aroused" in the shower, especially with James in there. Good God... By this time, i had pretty much figured out that i was gay, although i was till holding on to some delusion that i would eventually get married etc. But i now knew what it meant to be "gay". What a confusing mess i was in. I wasn't very popular in school, and James was. So, even though we had known each other for years in grade school and were friends, the social structure in junior high kind of drove a wedge between us. We still talked from time to time, but it wasn't like it used to be.

It was during this time that my feelings for James became more than just a simple crush. I had to be around him as much as i could. He was on my mind every waking moment. I would time my walks to class so that i would run into him in the halls. All the while, i had a million different thoughts running through my mind. "Am i the only boy who has these feelings towards other boys? What if someone finds out? What if James found out i liked him? Is there something wrong with me? There must be. What am i going to do? Who can i talk to about this? This isn't normal. I'm scared."

Being gay just wasn't something that was talked about, either at school or at home. There was no education on the subject. And in Sex Education, there was no mention of homosexuality at all. I learned of the concept of being gay from one of my peers who would make jokes about it. Nothing worse than being a "queer" or "fag". That only served to reinforce my suspicions that i was indeed alone in how i felt, and that i was in fact "sick" or otherwise abnormal. NO ONE can know about this. EVER!!! Deeper into the closet i go...

And in the closet i stayed. Eventually, during the middle of ninth grade, my mom sent me off to live with my dad. I was failing every subject, and was seriously depressed. I would talk to the school counsellor, but could never reveal what was really on my mind. So, James was gone from my daily life, but not forgotten. My new school, in a new town, in a new state was really no better. Still had to hide who i was, and still had no one to talk to about how i felt. As i went through high school, i still pretended to like girls around my friends, and found still more boys to crush on. But that's a story for another time...