I am so weak!

As i have mentioned before, i work an odd schedule. My work week starts on Thursday afternoon at 4:00 and runs through about 5:30 Monday morning. I work evenings, days and mids all in one week. No wonder i can't sleep. The point of my rambling is that i see the people i work with more than anyone else in my life. On the mid shifts, we run a skeleton crew of just two people per area, and a supervisor for all of us (days by comparison have about 15 people and 3 supes per area). So my mid partner and i have a lot of time to talk about random shit through the course of our mid shifts since work is usually pretty slow.

My mid partner, Jack, is a really good guy. He is a family man, has a really cool wife and three great kids. He is pretty open minded and accepting of others. He has told me that his wife actually wants their son to be gay! lol. I laughed when he told me this simply because it made me wish my family were so accepting of gays that they would actually want a gay child. He told me that he doesn't care either way, just as long as his son grows up happy. Wow. I was on the verge of crying when he said that (yes, i am a crier...if something really moves me, i tend to tear up and cry like a girl...lol). In any event, i had decided that Jack would be the next person i came out to.

Once our work tapered off, we settled into some of our usual conversation about anything and everything (no topic is really off limits). I finally got up the nerve to say to him "I need to tell you something really important and need you to keep very quiet about it". He gave me a questioning look and said "OK". Just as i was about to launch into my spiel, the supervisor comes round the corner with some information we had been looking for earlier. We talked to the supe for about five minutes, and when he left, Jack asks me what i wanted to tell him. I said, "Oh...never mind. I'll tell you later". At this point, i went to get something to drink and to kick myself in the ass for being such a weak minded chicken shit for not being able to tell him! Arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! FFS. I just lost my nerve. Good god, if i keep this up i will spend the rest of my life alone.

In other news, not seeing Eric as much as i used to is having the opposite effect of what i had hoped. Instead of following the rules for "out of sight, out of mind", me not seeing Eric seems to be following "absence makes the heart grow fonder". In the two weeks since he's moved days off, i have only seen him once. But i have been thinking about him more than ever. It doesn't take much to bring him to the front of my mind. I am dreaming about him more too. I had a wonderful dream about him this morning. I don't remember much of it, but we end up kissing. When i wake up, i can still feel his perfect lips against mine. I feel almost euphoric until i fully awake and realize it was just a dream. At that point i want to crawl under a rock and die.

I have been sticking to my "exercise and diet" plan better than expected. I have been walking at least an hour a day for three of the last four days. I still drink soda, but have been drinking diet instead of regular. I have even been ordering my lattes from Starbucks "non-fat". They taste like shit. I guess its better than going cold turkey, but this lack of flavor is horrible. I have also been really keeping an eye on what i eat. Meaning, not much of anything i really like is being eaten. Ugh. I don't feel any better, or look any better, so who knows if this will actually do me any good. All i know is that i want a pizza and a Coke. Followed by a half-rack of non-lite beer. My taste buds are organizing a revolution. LOL.

I mentioned i had been trying some of those dating sites, and that only one person ever bothered to respond to my emails. Well, after his initial response, we began emailing back and forth daily, sometimes two or three times a day for almost a month. It seemed as if we had heaps in common, but enough differences to keep the conversations interesting. I had finally worked up the courage to ask him to dinner, and to my amazement he said yes. We never did work out a date, as he was busy for a while there, but he promised to make time soon. It has now been two weeks since i have heard anything from him. I have sent a few emails just to say hi and keep up appearances, but not one word back from him. Needless to say, i am feeling more than a little let down by this. WTF? Maybe i'm more fucked up than i had thought. I mean, out of all the emails i sent, i get one response, and now he's not talking anymore either. Fuck.

Well, enough of my ranting for now. BTW, if you have linked me or follow me and i haven't returned the courtesy, please comment or send me an email and i'll take care of it as soon as i can. I try to keep up with that, but i miss things on occasion. I bought a new camera a couple months ago. I have been playing with it, and have a few pics (no, not that sort of pic :p) i want to post here eventually, if i ever bother to figure out how. Bye for now.