First date

So, here i am, still alive and kicking after all this time. Thought i'd check in and say hi since i've been hearing from very reliable sources that people were starting to wonder what happened to me. Basically, things have been pretty droll. I called in sick to work three days last week because i haven't been sleeping to well recently and have actually been pretty depressed again. I can't even begin to describe the feelings i've been having. All the stress of coming out is gone. Like i said in a previous post, i now know that coming out is the easy part. At least for me it was because i'm severely handicapped in other areas of my life that make finding happiness post coming out rather difficult.

Like my age. Yeah yeah yeah...i keep hearing that 33 isn't that old. Well, i call bullshit. When the vast majority of gay singles are in their mid 20's, 33 is right fucking old. And personally, i want to meet a guy who is as inexperienced with being gay as i am (yeah, from a sexual point of view as well). Yup, still a gay virgin. Let me tell you, it fucking sucks! I have been wanking over cute guys since i was 14, but have never done the deed. At this rate, it looks like i never will...lol.

Another handicap is my work hours/days off. My work week runs Thursday thru Monday. I work friday night and have to be to work at 5:30am on Sunday morning, so Saturday night is pretty much a total loss. So, that leaves Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. Not a whole helluva lot happening anywhere on those nights. Oh sure, a shitty taco night here or extended happy hour there. But no one else is out doing anything because they all work normal days and hours.

My "friends" are pretty much useless for anything but blowing sunshine up my ass about "you'll find someone" or "you're not too old" or "there's nothing wrong with you, you're a great guy! the reason no one messages you or you haven't met anyone is because you're just looking in the wrong places." or my my favorite "at least your finding out who isn't right for you". So, the people i work with are kind of like a little family i guess. But, they all have real families. I am the only single guy on my crew. Everyone else has wives and girlfriends and kids. So, the wives and girlfriends won't let their men go out with the crew homo to give him a little moral support when trying to check out a gay bar or two. Or the ones who do, want to haul their wives with them...yeah, real fun. So, basically you're going to keep your wife/girlfriend entertained all night long making me look like a fool sitting there by myself and feeling out of place. I love being the fifth wheel.

The crux of the matter is i have no one to go out with, no one who knows anybody to introduce me to, nobody to set me up and nobody to offer and real, actual helpful advice as to how to meet people locally or even where to go to meet people. With the exception of various clothing stores in the mall, where there seems to be an abundance of very cute, very gay guys working (all of whom would tell you i'm way to fucking old to go out with them), and the possible gay pizza boy, i have no idea where to go. Yeah, a fucking gay bar, i know. Again, the gay clubs are an hour and 2o minutes from my home and that's a long way away when you are driving home mostly drunk. Yes, i know i don't have to drink, but if i'm gonna be anywhere near social, i need booze. So, this post has pretty much just been me whining, hasn't it? and has nothing to do with a first date does it? Read on...

So, yeah, being out is heaps of fun. Nobody gives a shit i'm gay. I wish i had come to that realization 20 years ago so i wouldn't have wasted my fucking life away being alone and miserable. I know, i can't change the past so just let it go, right? Well, let me tell you something...carrying all the shit i've been carrying for all these years isn't something one can just "let go" of. All the "what ifs" just kill me. I missed out on innocent teenage sexual experimentation, dating, falling in love, and just being a normal, happy kid. Now all the guys who are at my level of sexual experience are way younger than me (and yes, i'm talking LEGAL ages here). So, it looks like i will have a teacher (if i can ever find someone) rather than someone to mutually explore my sexuality with. That may not seem like much, but i feel like i gypped myself out of so much. And now something like innocent fun will be more like getting training in the use of a new appliance than having fun.

Moving along, i want a motorcycle. Bad. But not just any motorcycle. A fast motorcycle. A ballsy motorcycle. An Italian motorcycle. A Ducati Streetfighter S (make mine black please). Yes boys and girls, it's a penis substitute, in a manner of speaking. Some guys (mainly sister-fucking rednecks) buy the biggest, tallest, stinkiest diesel powered Ford pick-up truck they can find because their dicks are only 2" fully erect. I need my fix in the form of high speeds and danger. Flying small aircraft, doing 140 mph in my hot rod European sports coupe on public highways, and 200 mph motorcycles. But make no mistake...my penis is both adequately sized and fully functioning. It simply doesn't see much action...lol. Hence, i want to go faster and do it more dangerously that ever before. "Those things are dangerous" a friend of mine keeps telling me. Yup. They most certainly are. But they are fast as hell, and give ya one hell of an adrenaline rush. "You'll kill youself on one of those". That's a distinct possibility, but if i do it will happen so fast i won't have time to reflect upon the situation. So in the meantime, it will be a nice little distraction to not getting laid.

"Finally! I thought he'd never shut the fuck up about the motorcycle or his shitty sex life!!!" Ok, so i had a date last week. I met him on a dating site. We had been talking online and texting for a couple weeks and finally agreed to meet for a date. So, i took him to a nice seafood place down on the water front (he told me seafood was his favorite food). On the drive to the restaurant, we had some great conversations, just like we'd had online and in texts. I was worried it would be awkward and we'd not have anything to say, but it was very relaxed and natural. Dinner was much the same. We had very few silences and the ones that we did have weren't awkward, fidgety silences. It was like we were completely at ease with each other and had known each other for years. Dinner was fabulous, and we both ate way too much good food. So, after dinner we walked off some of our food with a nice stroll along the waterfront, again accompanied by great convo and mutual appreciation of each others company. After our walk and enjoying the sunset, back to the car to head off to a movie. I got us only slightly lost trying to find the freeway, but we were having fun listening to music and talking and just being there in the moment. Went and saw a movie and went back to the car and started talking for a while. Finally our eyes locked and i said to him "You are really cute, you know that?". He gives me a look, half playful, half serious, and said "I'm not cute dammit!". So, i say "fine, you're hideous, but i like you anyway." At this point, he leans over and gives me a kiss. :D Wow!!! My first real kiss with a guy and boy did that feel good! It felt so natural and wonderful i don't have the words to describe it. So, fast forward an hour and a half to when we are about to part ways, we kiss goodnight and hug, and promise to see each other again...

And that's where the fairy tale ends. I wait a couple days to send him a text and ask how he's doing. No reply. I wait another day or so, and call him and leave a voice mail. Still no reply. I text him again a day later and get a short two word reply to my text and haven't heard from him since despite several other texts to him that would require a response from him. WTF?! My god, we got along really well online, great convos, and the date went really well, and HE kissed me! So what the hell did i do wrong? Needless to say, i'm really really disappointed and pretty sad given how promising things looked. I think i'm cursed for sure. I guess it was a fluke, proof that even a blind, old squirrel will sometimes find a nut.

On another front, i met another guy online that i have been texting for about a week. Again, we have a lot in common (including a love of fast cars :P) and have been having a lot of great text convos. He is out of town on business and we have been texting everyday for the last week. :) So, things are looking promising, but i'm trying not to get too excited or seem too eager. In fact, he hasn't said anything about what he wants (friendship only or possibly leading to a LTR, or whatever else). We really seem to click. His sense of humor is pretty much on par with mine (sick, twisted, and a bit morbid...lol). I don't know where it will lead, but i'm hoping for the best.

Are you still reading? Wow!!! I'm impressed!!! If you made it all the way to the bottom of the post, you get a little something extra. A coupon redeemable for one free hug from yours truly. *coupon has no expiration date, and must be redeemed in person. coupon has no cash value*

If anything interesting happens, i'll be in touch. For now, i've been awake for 36 hours (caught a short nap yesterday tho) and i need some sleep.

Laterz...

finally...

I'm finally out to my mom. I set up a dinner date with her, saying i wanted to take her to dinner in return for her house sitting for me while i was on holiday. Also, i needed to install a new lock set on the front door of her apartment. So, i went over and put in the new locks, and told her i had something to talk to her about and that she may want to sit down. Of course, she doesn't sit down. She just says "what is it?". "Do you want to know why i've been so unhappy and miserable most of my life?" i ask. "What is it?" she says again. So, i tell her. She gives me a long blank stare..."is that it?". Really? What do you mean is that it? "My God, i thought you were going to tell me you had cancer or were dying or something". So i tell her how lonely i've been and still am, how much regret i carry over what i've missed out on, how hard it was to carry that secret, how scared i was of someone finding out. We talked, i cried. She seems to have taken it really well.

So, now all the most important people in my life know i'm gay. All of them still love me, and are there for me and only want me to be happy.

Calling in sick.

So, it's 2:15am and i've just called in sick to work for my shift (later) this morning. I just can't seem to think clearly. I've got way too much on my mind. I can't sleep. The Venture Brothers was on a while ago. It was an episode i've seen ten times already, but i still found it funny. Robot Chicken isn't nearly as funny as it used to be. And what the hell ever happened to Celebrity Deathmatch? This post has become way too random and my head hurts. I think about way too much way too often. I wish my brain had an off switch.

Pics and an update

Last week i came out to four more people. All of them, like all the ones i told before them, were 100% accepting and supportive. One of my friends at work said "well that explains the hair" when i told him. lol. I was actually a bit worried about telling him because he would tease another co-worker about being gay (even though he isn't). I gave it some thought, and came to the realisation he makes fun of everyone, so we are all targets of opportunity for his jokes, including himself. So in the end, it turned out ok, and he still came over for dinner on Monday as we had planned before i told him.

Sunday morning at 4:45am as i was backing out of the garage and leaving for work, i pushed the button to close the garage door, watched it close as i always do to makes sure it goes all the way down, and was a little surprised to see it stop 3/4 of the way down and then go back up. WTF?! OK, something fell in front of the sensor. Get out of the car, go check it out. Nope, sensors are clear. Fuck. Fart around with it for 15 minutes and i can get it to open and close with the manual motor advance button on the garage door opener itself, but not with the controls. So, find my tools to re-atach the manual latches so i can lock the door while i'm away and head for work (now late...whoo-hoo). When i get home, i decide to try to figure it out even though i should be in bed because i need to be back to work in six and a half hours. Well, short story long, I took the thing apart and was checking for loose electrical connections (i found one before when it was acting up and re-soldered the joint and it's worked fine until now) when i found the power transformer and accidentally shorted it out. ZZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPP!!!! One brilliant shower of sparks later, my electrical tester is welded to the circuit board and the garage door opener is dead for sure...lol. Oops...

Yesterday, i went to Mt. Rainier for a little biking/hiking. The bike ride portion was five miles up hill from the park entrance to the trail head, and then back down later (which was a flippin' blast!). The hike was eight miles round trip up to the terminus of Carbon Glacier, the lowest glacier on Mt. Rainier. I didn't bring sunscreen, so i'm a bit crispy today. Well, enjoy the pics!


^ Park entrance.


^ My chariot! lolz


^ Mt. Rainier.


^ Mt. Rainier and the Carbon River.


^ Small waterfalls on the trail.


^ Suspension bridge across the Carbon River


^ View of the Carbon River and Glacier from the bridge.


^ Carbon River valley looking downstream from the head waters.


^ Carbon Glacier and the headwaters of the Carbon River with Mt. Rainier in the background.

"You stole the fizzy lifting drinks!!!!"

I have always been a fan of Willy Wonka. I especially liked "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" with Johnny Depp (great actor, and easy on the eyes as well). I thought his portrayal of Wonka was a bit more edgy and dark than that of Gene Wilder in the original film. That said, Christopher Lloyd (also an amazing actor) takes it one step further here...

Gobstopper Trailer from Gobstopper Movie

Tag, i'm it...Where i blog from.

Both Steve and Jeremy have tagged me! This little blogging game was the idea of Tyler at Thoughts of a Gay Boy in Highschool. The rules can be found here.


Above is my upstairs office. As you can see, i am a fan of organized chaos. It looks like a fucking mess (and its is), but it's a mess that has structure...lol. If i were to "clean", i wouldn't be able to find anything at all and would spend a lot of time coming up with new swear words. I hate my desk, and desperately want to re-decorate my office.


Here is where i spend most of my free time when i'm at home...on my couch in my living room. That's my cheapo laptop (it's hard drive is FULL of porn...lol). My most prized possessions are in this room...my stereo system (and related components) and my CD and record collection. I usually have my stereo cranked up when i'm online blogging or chatting on MSN and the TV is tuned in to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim (i watch it on mute and read the closed captions). Multi-tasking is fun...


Lets not forget my handy dandy iPhone. I use this to blog from work (when i'm on break, of course). It's also very useful for reading blogs and checking emails, and last but not least, browsing cute boy pics on the go. :p

So there ya go. A little peek into the world of Deadwing. Now...who to tag... I'm sure by this point, there will be some people who have been tagged already. So, forgive me if you've been tagged already.

Tag, you're it...

-Jonathan: Gentleman's Romance
-Matt: I've Got Rythym and It ain't always music.
-x! : Dawn to Dusk
-Steevo: steevo in cali
-James: Just Me

Really? Why?

I don't know why, but I have been listening to a lot of electronic/trance/dance music lately. I finally renewed my subscription to Sirius satellite radio, and have had one of their three electronic/dance channels tuned in continuously. Tiesto is my favorite at the moment, and I have been buying his and others cd's like they are going out of style. The production is superb. The beats are infectious. Too bad I can't fucking dance.

When my sister called me yesterday to tell me she's coming for a visit next month and has tickets for both a baseball game and a concert and wanted to know if I'm interested in going with her to those events, she had no idea what I was about to hit her with. After we talked for about 15 minutes, I told her I had something I wanted to talk to her about. Something that needed to be kept secret. I made her promise to keep quiet until I said it was ok to talk and she said "are you going to tell me you're gay?". Bingo. "Really? Why?" Needless to say, she was a bit shocked. We talked for a while longer, and I told her everything. She is like everyone else I've told so far...100% accepting and supportive. She also seems to think that things will go better with my mom than I expect they will. But, I'm still nervous about telling her. The time to talk to my mom is rapidly approaching however.

One of my friends at work actually approached me yesterday and asked if I had something I wanted to tell him. Well, as a matter of fact I do. He was literally next on my list if people to tell and he heard the rumors from someone who has been retired for almost a year. What the fuck?! Goddamn rumor mill! So, I told him and we talked and once again, people are surprising me by how accepting and supportive they are. It turns out his sister is gay. I am out to my entire crew now and more people are finding out everyday. But, still no one seems to be able or willing to hit the town with me or help me network.

Ok, I need to get back to work. Anyone know where I can find a boyfriend? Now accepting applications...apply within...lol