One False Move...

It's been fun...

2011-12-31T19:44:00.000-08:00

...but i think it's time for 2011 to get the fuck out.

Wow, another year is gone? Shit oh dear, i'm getting old! What a blur this year was. Not all of it good. Most of it was crap, actually. Between my grandpa passing away, my mom developing health issues and my grandma really not doing so well either, it's been pretty shit. I'm glad to see 2011 go away.

The above said, i still have plenty to be thankful for, and am reminded daily of just how fortunate i really am.

I wish all of you the best for 2012!

Long Time, No Spank... I Mean Speak

2011-11-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

Well, hello there. Been a long time my friends. How is everyone doing out there in the world? Very well indeed, i hope. Everyone behaving themselves, hmm? I suspect not. ;-)

First off, this new blogger dashboard is...different. I suspect i'll get used to it, but for now it's just way too white! I'll have to tinker and see if i can customize the view.

Anywho, on to business. Tomorrow is a rather important day for me. And for E. Why you ask? An excellent question. It's such an important occasion because it is mine and E's two year anniversary. Yes, i have managed to find a man that has been willing to put up with all my bullshit for two who years! I now believe in miracles. In all seriousness though, i am the first to admit i am not an easy person to live with (and it's been nearly a year since E has moved in with me...i'm still adjusting, but i rather like having someone to come home to). He must really love to have not killed me by now. I'm moody, grumpy, loud, and i swear a lot. I snore, hog the covers and like the bedroom way colder than E would have it. I'm lazy, a slob, and i hate house work. I like to eat full flavor foods (i.e. NOT healthy), smoke cigars and drink way too much whisky (is there such a thing?). I spend money on frivolous things instead of saving it, drive a car that wastes fuel and like to live a little dangerously. But for some reason, the wonderful man that i met two years ago has stuck by my side, and remained faithful to me despite the fact that he's hot and i'm not, and he could have any man he wants. We argue like an old married couple, and i know i infuriate him at times (as does he to me), but we always kiss and make up and get over ourselves and our little problems. I know in the grand scheme of things, two years is just a single grain of sand through the hour glass of time, but it's the longest relationship i've ever been in (and E's second longest) and also the longest i've ever lived with anyone other than family. I guess in the end, all that matters is that i love him with all my heart and he loves me. God willing, this will last a lifetime.

The other part of all this is that a few months ago we dispensed with the "boyfriend" nomenclature. Now, it's "partner". It feels more serious, more real, more committed than mere boyfriends. I haven't bought him a commitment ring yet, but that is on the horizon i think. Marriage? Get back to me. Baby steps...

What else is new? I missed out on another opportunity for promotion at work. I'm kind of bummed. But, once they start paying relocation money, it opens the floodgates and people way more qualified than me bid on the openings. But still, i missed out on the big money. The pay bands for supervisors were adjusted recently, and not up. The bottom of the bad now fall below what i currently make, which means a very insignificant pay increase for me when i finally do get promoted (it's only a matter of time as i'm checking all the right boxes and kissing all the right asses). So i now have to decide if the increase in responsibility and the ultra high bullshit factor is worth the modest pay increase. I'm starting to rethink my plans. Maybe i should resign my current job as a support specialist and just go back to working the boards. Get back in the comfort zone, and get back my sunday pay, night differential and holiday pay. The people i used to work with were way more fun too. Oh, i still do work with them when i get my currency time, but offices are too fucking stuffy. That said, i bid another supe job today. Cross option, so i'd change facilities. We'll see...I went to Maui for two weeks with E back in September. First class to boot. E had to drive us from the airport to the hotel. I was a bit intoxiated... I drank every last drop of Grand Marnier on the aircraft and then some. The trip was amazing. Warm beaches, sunshine, no schedules or jobs or bosses. We went to the top of Haleakala and watched the sunset (we are both far too lazy to get up early enough to watch the sunrise). Mimosas for breakfast, Mai Tais for lunch and the best seafood i've ever had for dinner. The ultimate in relaxation in the most perfect place i've ever been. I'm ready to go back. I'm not ready for winter, and don't even mention the S word...

I went and bought a new toy a few weeks back. I purchased a brand new SIG556 SWAT assault rifle. And a few thousand rounds of ammo. I'm now ready for the apocalypse. Bring on the zombies! The lease is up on my A4 in less than a year. I'm already over my milage allowance for the term of the lease (oops), so my options are buy it out, or trade it in on something newer. I'm leaning towards new car. I've got my eye on the Audi A7. The S4 is also an option, as it will be refreshed for the 2013 model year, but i'm not sure it will have some of the goodies that i want and are available on the A7. Plus it's awful similar to what i currently have. Decisions, decisions...

Well, i should let you all go. You're probably bored to tears by now. It's been fun catching up, we should do this more often. Don't be strangers!

What A Chump.

2011-08-13T02:55:00.000-07:00

Chump. That's the term used to describe people like me, or anyone who makes an effort to work hard, better themselves and be a contributing member of society. Why do i say that, you ask? Allow me to explain.

For you long-readers, you will most likely remember the car crash i was involved in way back in August of 2009. For those who haven't been reading long, or who need a refresher, here's what happened. I was driving to work one fine Friday afternoon minding my own business when i happened upon a long line of stopped cars where there usually isn't one. Traffic normally flows at the speed limit of 50 mph on this road, and stops at the few traffic lights are rare because there isn't much cross traffic. So, i come to a full and complete stop and notice a state pig and a DOT vehicle on the shoulder, finishing up clearing a crash. I am stopped for a good 2 minutes and am trying to look ahead to see what the problem is when BAM!!!! Some stupid fucking cunt in a giant 6000 pound SUV plows into the back of my brand new, six month old, hadn't been in for it's first service yet Audi S5. The force of the collision is so great that it pushes my car into the car in front of me, that car into the one in front of it and that car into the one in front of it.

Needless to say, my car is fucked up. In fact, it's a total loss. I file the claim through my insurance (good thing, because as it turns out, the stupid twat that hit me didn't have enough insurance to cover the property damage) and my insurance pays out pretty much what i paid for the car. Great, right? Well, almost.

The car that got killed was a 2009 model year. At the time of the accident, we are into the 2010 model year. Sure, i could have scrounged and found a used one that matched eventually, but it's a used car. I am not spending that kind of cash on a used car, especially given that my wrecked car was brand new at the time of loss, for all intents and purposes.

Short story long, I had to order a 2010 car to replace my 2009 car and of course, costs go up. All in all, my replacement vehicle cost me about $4000 more than the wrecked car, and i lost about $3000 on extended warranties, service contracts, satellite radio subscriptions, etc. on the wrecked car that couldn't be refunded to me. for a total of about $7000.

This doesn't even take into account the fact my back and neck are all fucked up, that my mobility is reduced and i've put back on the 75 pounds i lost prior to the crash. So, now i'm once again a fat fuck who is in constant pain and no hope of ever getting back to my former self.

It has taken two fucking years to settle this case. Two years of dealing with slime ball piece of shit lawyers, doctors, insurance companies and all their minions. I attended an arbitration hearing last week to see what i would be getting for my settlement for all the shit this whore has put me through. Net result, after the insurance companies and lawyers get their cut, i'll be getting about $3500. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! For all the shit i've had to go through and still go through, that's all i get? That doesn't even cover my losses!

Partly i'm getting fucked because there is no pity in the "justice" system for people who actually have jobs and aren't fucking bums who suck those who work hard dry. The arbitrator felt sorry for the goddamn cunt who hit me and fucked up my life because she is an irresponsible piece of shit and has filed bankruptcy and has no money, and simultaneously doesn't feel sorry for me, the victim, simply because i have the means to provide for myself and have nice things.

This country has become such an ass-backwards, fucked-up, welfare state that coddles the useless and takes from the ones who work and strive to succeed. It's got to the point that working hard and trying to better ones self is pure foolishness. Why work hard only to have what you work for taken away from you? And why should i hold myself accountable for my action when nobody else is held accountable for theirs?

It's time for a revolution. Send the bums back to where they belong, the gutter. We need a class system that gives those who work hard all the power and wealth and those who don't work get nothing. No more welfare, no more social programs. I'm tired of propping things up and being the chump. Maybe i should stop working and stop be accountable and just sit back and relax for a change. After all, there are plenty of other chumps out there working hard who are ripe to have what they have eared taken from them

Oops...

2011-06-26T00:33:00.000-07:00

I hate when that happens! I don't know how many of you have seen this little incident in the news (and if you have, you've probably only heard the edited version), but it sure made me laugh when i heard it. For those of you who don't know of this, what happened was, a Southwest Airlines pilot either had a stuck mic or had inadvertently keyed his mic while he was talking to the other pilot while in the cockpit and en route. So, the net effect was everyone on frequency got to hear all sorts of things that i'm sure this pilot is absolutely mortified went out over the air.

Now for the record, i am all for people holding whatever opinions they want about anything at all, even though, as in this case, i may not agree with them, so long as those opinions are discussed and shared in the proper venue. As this was an honest mistake, and the pilot thought he was having a private conversation with his fellow crew mate (although the fact that cockpit voice recorders can hold up to four hours of audio and transcripts of said recorders fall into the public realm if an accident should occur, nothing said in the cockpit of an airliner is really that private), i really don't see why this is such a media circus. I mean, everyone says things in private that they would never say in public, and i'm sure if this guy knew he was live and on the air he would have never said such things. In fact, occurrences such as this are not all that uncommon. It's just that the conversation is usually more benign, such as the pilots accidentally transmitting what they think is going over the PA to the passengers. Hell, even i have accidentally broadcast stuff that i didn't mean to. And considering the conversations that take place while i'm at work, i'm damn lucky the stuff that's gone out has all been G rated.

At any rate, the stuff this pilot said was pretty offensive even to my ears, but i still got a chuckle out of it thinking about how this pilot must have felt when he got call into the bosses office and heard the tape for himself.

Ladies and gentlemen, i present to you the Worlds Most Embarrassed Airline Pilot...

Aerial Photography

2011-06-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

The following were all taken in early February 2011 from the cozy confines of my seat aboard an MD-80 using my iPhone (i was too lazy to get out of my seat and grab my good camera from the overhead bin). Not too shabby, aside from reflections in the windows and such. I have been travelling for work quite a bit and unfortunately all my travel has been to Oklahoma City. If you've never been there, don't bother. It's quite possibly the flattest, most boring, featureless, redneck infested shit hole i've ever had the displeasure of visiting.

Anyway, the only reason i thought to post these is because Gauss Jordan mentioned he'd been in Seattle and hadn't been able to visit the Museum of Flight. So, here you are my friend. Not quite the same, but a slightly different view of the outside displays anyway. Next time you're in town, shoot me an email and i'll go to the Museum of Flight with you. I love that place, and they've added a bunch to it sine the last time i was there. And just in case you didn't get a good view of the mountain while you were here, i thought i'd include a shot of it as well. Mount Rainier is one of my favorite place and i can't wait to get some hiking in there this summer.

Enjoy!

^ KBFI as seen from seat 6A on final to 16C @KSEA

^ KBFI as seen from seat 6A on final to 16C @KSEA (Museum of Flight is center frame with various historic aircraft visible below and slightly left of center)

^ Mt. Rainier on climb out from KSEA for KOKC.

A bit of porn...

2011-06-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

Well, this ought to give you some idea as to the variety of geek that i am. Airplane porn for the win!

But Jesus! Listen to the sound of those engines! And that an airplane that big can climb like that is impressive. I was flying out of KMSP aboard a Northwest Airlines Boeing 757-200 several years back and watched the runway markers tick past on the take-off roll. That airplane only used 2500 feet of runway on take-off! That is next to nothing for an aircraft of that size. When i stopped by the cockpit to chat the pilot after the flight, he said we were climbing out at 6500 feet per minute, which again, is astounding performance.

Seeing stuff like this really makes me wish i'd pursued flying as a career rather than just for recreation. I highly doubt my local FBO will be offering an aircraft like this one for rent anytime soon.

What a spoiled little bitch I am...

2011-06-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, a spoiled little bitch. I've become one of "those" people somehow. It's difficult to say how the transformation occurred or when, but it did. When i was really young, life was pretty good. My parents hadn't yet divorced, my dad owned a successful business, we lived in an upper-middle class neighborhood, etc. We didn't live extravagantly as my dad was (and still is for that matter) something of a tight wad. But we didn't want for anything either.

Then things went to Hell on a rocket powered sled. My parents got divorced, we were in a nasty car wreck that got blamed on my mother (who was NOT at fault) and moved from a big house to a tiny apartment, from nice car to shitty car to the fucking bus, and from eating delicious meals to instant noodles and mac and cheese. Nothing like being moments away from homelessness to bring a smile to ones face. My paper route money went to feeding my family and paying household bills at the age of 12. Add in the stresses of figuring out that i'm gay and having to keep that bottled up for a couple decades and it's no wonder i drifted into a depression that i never really got out of. Yes, i'm still suffering from depression and subjecting my poor, loving partner to a slice of Hell on earth now and then. Well, quite a bit actually. Why he hasn't left me i'll never know.

But i digress. My point is i am now a spoiled little shit despite all the crap i've been through in my life. I live in a nice house in a snotty, uptight suburban neighborhood (that i hate by the way, and can't wait to leave for an upper crust neighborhood in a historic district in the city), i have not one, but two German luxury cars, and take vacations to places like Maui on a whim. I'm not meaning to brag. Quite the opposite. I have become one of the assholes that i once loathed.

It's got to the point that i refuse to fly coach. I will only fly first class domestically, and at the very least business class on overseas international flights. Even for work. The cheap fuckers only provide for coach airfare. So, i actually pay out of pocket to upgrade to first class each and every flight i have to take for work. The free-flowing liquor and extra ball room in the seat are well worth it however.

I have a need to go and buy a new car. A better car than what i have already. One with more features and more power and more prestige and more look-at-me factor. And this is despite the fact that the car i have is not only in perfect working order (and still under lease for anther 18 months), but a very nice car that most people would love to have.

But you know what? I don't think i could live any other way. I love spending money and having the absolute best of everything. I'm headed to Cabo San Lucas in a few weeks, first class. And to Maui in a couple months, first class. Despite the fact i hate what i've become, i can't seem to live any other way.

Even though i want for nothing and have more than i need, i start to foam at the mouth when i hear about how my hard earned tax dollars are being spent on social programs. Sure, some people are genuinely unfortunate and need assistance to get back on their feet. But far too many abuse the system. Assistance designed to be temporary and help people who are less fortunate get back on their feet becomes a way of life and these lazy assholes suck the system, and my wallet, dry. What's mine is mine and if you want what i have, get off your lazy fucking ass and work for it.

Maybe it's because i had so little for so long and was so poor most of my life that i'm so possessive of what i work so hard for. Or maybe i'm just an asshole who no longer possesses any sense of compassion.

I have no idea how this post has (d)evolved to what it is. And maybe it doesn't matter. This probably makes me sound well prickish. But it's not that i don't care, i just don't give a fuck.

I think perhaps its time to refresh my beverage and have some dinner before i go to bed and rest for another brutal day at work tomorrow.

Goodnight, blogland.

Blogiversary Part II

2011-04-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like the two year anniversary of my little blog passed unnoticed by even me. March 15th marked two years that this blog has been around. There have been a lot of changes in the blogosphere and the world at large in that time frame. The two year anniversary of me being a proud, openly gay man passed on March 20th. Fast forward to today, and i have a wonderful partner that i love very much and a happy home life that was just a dream a few years ago.

I have a good life, and i couldn't have the life i have without the help and love of people that i have never met in real life. All the friends i made by blogging and being a part of our little online community really made the worst of it easier to bear. People like James who was always there to hear me bitch about something and try to help me through it. And Steevo, who not only was there to lend an ear but who encouraged me to go to my first PFLAG meeting and was a constant source of encouragement and provider of resources. Also included are all the people who read my blog, commented on my blog, chatted with me on MSN.

But the one who really started me on my path to where i am today was Mirrorboy. He was the first person i ever told that i was gay, the one who always had a kind word for me when i was feeling down no matter how down he was himself, the most selfless and caring friend anyone would ever want to have online or in real life. So Mirrorboy, here's to you mate. Thanks for always being there for me buddy. I miss chatting with you immensely. Even though we haven't spoken in ages, i still think of you often. I love you buddy, and where ever you are and whatever you might be doing i hope you are happy and healthy and on the path to life good life you deserve.

Where did we lose our way?

2011-03-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

It was on this day, March 2, way back in 1969 that the most iconic airliner of all time, Concorde, made it's first flight. It is the only aircraft to ever enter regularly scheduled supersonic passenger service, and will likely be the only aircraft to do so. Concorde has it's origins in the late 1950's (!!!) and was under construction as a prototype in the mid 1960's. The SR-71 Blackbird also has it's roots in the 50's and was flying at three and a half times the speed of sound in the early 60's. In July of 1969, NASA landed a man on the moon using a spacecraft that had less computing power than the most basic mobile phones of today, not to mention my iphone.

So why is it that with all our technological advancements we haven't been back to the moon since 1972? Have humans lost all ambition? Sure part of the problem is money. It takes a great deal of cash to get to the moon. But when one looks at all the money governments piss away of utter bullshit, i can't help but think that we as humans would be much farther along in our exploration of space. I mean, who hasn't looked up at the stars and wondered what exactly is out there in the great vastness of space? And if we could get to the moon in 1969, given the rate of advancement of technology, we should be well on our way to developing some means of traveling faster than light and actually exploring whats out there.

But lets go back a step. How is it that in 1969 there was an airliner capable of sustained supersonic flight and today the best we can do is subsonic. Part of it is money again. But there are plenty who are willing to shell out for a flight across the atlantic at more than twice the speed of sound (myself included). But the other part is all the tree huggers and goddamn hippies. "Hey man, you can't fly that thing here, you're ruining my vibe man". All the sniveling whiners complain about the noise. Well, the Concorde didn't go supersonic until it was out over the ocean, so unless your house is in the middle of the Atlantic, shut the fuck up. And fuel consumption/pollution is the other part. Well, unless you don't drive a car and live in the fucking woods without electricity, you're contributing just as much to pollution and energy consumption as anyone, so shut the fuck up.

We have gone from this:

To this:

From a sleek, sexy, fast beauty to a fat, ugly bloated flying goddamn bus. What the fuck?

Such a shame that in this day and age one can't fly supersonic. Now that i have the means to do so, all i can hope is that someday we will find our way once again and we will take a step forward in our advancement instead of a step back.

Oh how i wish i were on Maui...

2010-12-14T03:36:00.000-08:00

Yes, this makes two posts in just a few hours. I had meant to put these pics on my previous post detailing my big news, but it took on a life of its own. Anyway, it's cold, windy and raining outside. I like the moody weather the Pacific Northwest offers up for the winter months. But after my trip to Maui last September, i was bit by the tropical paradise bug. Maui is the most beautiful place i have ever been. Heaven on Earth is barely an adequate description. I hope you enjoy this little view of Heaven.

^ The beach in front of our hotel, 50' from my room.

^ Sunset on Kaanapali Beach.

^ Iao Valley.

^ Waihee Beach.

^ The rugged north coast of Maui.

^ The road to Hana.

^ Haleakala National Park.

^ Looking north from the Haleakala summit.

^ Maui's west shore.

^ Lava flow on the south end of Maui.

The Start Of Something Beautiful

2010-12-14T02:18:00.000-08:00

Here we go. I am entering completely foreign territory. I am beginning an exciting yet terrifying phase of my life. Well, i guess it's OUR life now. Yes, E is moving in with me. On Friday last week, he gave notice at his apartment terminating his rental agreement. No going back now.

I'm simultaneously elated and mortified by the prospect of have E move in with me. Obviously, i love him very much or i wouldn't ask him to move in with me. And it should be equally obvious that he loves me very much or he wouldn't have agreed to move in. But for as much as i love him and want to maximize my time spent with him, the pessimist in me keeps injecting doubt into my thought process and making me wonder if this is such a good idea. I am a fairly private person, and something of an introvert. I like my quiet time, going for hikes in the woods and not having anyone around to bother me. People are pests to me. I don't much care for most people. I am antisocial. No offense to any of you, my dear readers. I have people in my life that mean the world to me and without whom things just wouldn't be the same. But lets just say going to a bar and being surrounded by a bunch of drunken idiots that i don't know isn't my idea of fun. I much prefer small gatherings of close knit friends in my own home, or even better, their home. As such, even with people i love dearly, i require a fair amount of personal space sometimes. So how will i adjust to having someone else living in my house with me? How will i adjust to having strangers (E's friends) violating the sanctity of my home? What will i do when i can't come home from a late shift at work and crank my stereo up to 11 and unwind because E is in bed sleeping already?

On the other side of that coin, i am ready to take mine and E's relationship to the next level. I want to start building our life TOGETHER. I want to come home from work and have my loving man there to greet me and give me a kiss. I want to have someone to talk to after a particularly rough day. I want to have someone to keep me warm on cold nights. I want o be able to do all those things for someone as well. So despite my doubts, i still think E moving in is the right decision.

I'm not alone in my trepidation. E has been hurt and betrayed twice before. Once he was left homeless after his crazy boyfriend kicked him out and once he was left with an apartment and bills he couldn't afford on his own after his cheating boyfriend left him all alone. He doesn't want either of those things to happen again. All i can do is assure him i'm not like that, but i'm sure his past boyfriends all said the same thing. And then E's mother (who loves him and cares for him but disapproves of his gay lifestyle "choice") has to interject yet more doubt into his mind. She brings up his forthcoming trip to Rome, and asks what happens if i'm not there for him when he returns, or i decide i don't want him here anymore or if he decides he doesn't want me anymore when he returns? So now he's all freaked out and wondering if he made the right choice by deciding to move in with me where he once was certain he had.

Either way, it's happening. E is moving in with me. I think our mutual uneasiness will prove to be a good thing for us as we will both have greater respect for each others space and boundaries. We have been a couple for almost 14 months. We are nearly an old married couple by gay standards. It hasn't been easy, but we both put in a lot of work in keeping our relationship strong. I think we can do this. I think this is the start of something beautiful.

Still alive???

2010-12-08T00:36:00.000-08:00

No, this blog has not been abandoned. I know, it's been nearly three months since my last post. But really, there just hasn't been too much happening. I haven't been inspired to write much either. But, i thought i'd drop in to see if there is still anyone out there who reads this. To be honest, i haven't read a blog in ages. I simply don't have the time these days. I still keep in touch with a few people and think about all the friends i made by blogging often. But everyone grow and moves on it seems.

I want a new car. I love my S5, and my daily driver A4 is a good machine. There are only a few things i want to change about the A4 to make it a car i love. For one, i wish it had all the minor convenience technology goodies such as rain sensing wipers, automatic headlights, auto-dimming mirrors, HID headlights, etc. I also want factory navigation. The little Garmin i have is a piece of shit. Unless one has an actual street address, the thing is fucking useless. The biggest thing i wish my car had is a bigger engine. The 2.0T is strong and has plenty of power, but it sounds cheap. It sounds just like E's little Mazda. Oh well, less than two years left on the lease. I would love an S4, maybe even a BMW 550i Xdrive...

Winter has set in here in the Pacific Northwest. A few weeks ago we were hit with a pretty nasty wind storm. There were sustained wind speeds of 60 mph and gusts to 75 mph in some areas. Getting home was a pain in the ass on that night as there were wide spread power outages and trees and power lines down all over the place. Luckily, i had electricity when i got home from work, which was very surprising. Normally all it takes for my power to go out is for some fat bastard to cut a fart. I've had more power outages in my current home than all the other places i've lived combined, including the tornado prone mid-western United States.

The week of Thanksgiving we were hit with snow. I got about four inches at my house. I hate the fucking snow. Yes it's quite beautiful, but it makes getting around a real fucking headache. It took me an hour and 45 minutes to get home from work, normally al 35 minute trip. It's not my driving ability or my car that are the problem. I learned how to drive in snow and have an all-wheel drive car. I actually find driving in snow sort of fun. But, the vast majority of drivers here can't drive on dry roads, let alone icy, snow covered roads. Far too many people who shouldn't be out on the streets are driving to the mall or the movies on their snow-induced day off from work. I have no choice, i need to go to work. There are no snow days for me. But all the stupid assholes who couldn't make it to work because of the snow seem to be out and about fucking off, getting in my way as i try to get to work. I'm sorry, if the fucking snow prevented you from being productive and going to work, you shouldn't be allowed out of your home unless it's an emergency. If you're able to get to the mall to shop, you should be able to get to work. I'm ready to go back to Maui.

It's not Maui, but i am heading to the Oregon coast in a week and a half for five days. I love the Oregon coast in winter. The cold, crisp sea air, the crashing waves, with howling wind, the moody fog and cloud cover. The place i stay is right on the beach, has a warm gas fireplace and a jetted tub in the room, and a king size bed for cuddling with the boyfriend. I can't wait!

Speaking of the boyfriend, we are talking about him moving in with me finally. I'm both excited and terrified by the prospect. I love him with all my heart, but i've never had a live in boyfriend and am wondering how i will handle having someone here with me 24/7/365. I like to have my space but i also love having him around. Quite the pickle.

E has also been accepted into a foreign study program. This means he will be in Europe for two months and having the time of his life, and i will be left alone. It sucks. I hate the thought of not having him by my side for two solid months. He makes me happy, and on some days he is all i have to get me through. I wonder how i will get by without him to talk to, to hold, to kiss and comfort me. He says "it's only two months, it'll go by fast." Well, sure, for him it will. He will be busy doing things and going wonderful places and seeing all sorts of new things. For me it will be the same old shit, minus the man i love. And i won't be there to kick the asses of all the European boys who will be hitting on him and trying to steal him from me. I trust him 100%, but he is a very sexy guy and i'm sure he will have occasion to be tempted by the fruit of another as it were. And as much as technology will allow us to communicate and see each other visually, it's just not an acceptable substitute for having him here with me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or some such bullshit.

Well, it's 2:30am and i need to get some sleep. Until next time...

It's been a while...

2010-09-17T00:36:00.000-07:00

A very long while. So, how is everyone? Doing well i hope. Things are the same as ever here. This won't be much of a post, as i'm fairly tired. Anywho, i finally broke down and bought a new bicycle. Two of them in fact. First is a Trek 2.1 road bike. It's so light and fast! I took two minutes off my best ride time of last year (when i was in much better shape) on my first ride. I'm hoping to ride in the Seattle to Portland next year. The other new bike is a Trek 6000 mountain bike. Took that bad boy out for a trial run up (and down) a trail on Mount Rainier a few weeks ago. Front suspension and hydraulic disc brakes makes for a sweet riding experience. What an awesome bike!

I'm finishing up my last few days of vacation for the year as i write this. I got home from Maui, Hawaii on Tuesday night. Ugh, it sure sucks donkey balls to be home. This was my first trip to Hawaii. In any event, i am in love with the place. It really is Heaven on Earth. It was in the mid 80's everyday, warm and sunny (i've got a tan for the first time in years) and the ocean was like bath water (unlike the year round frigid water of the ocean near me). I want to go back and never leave. At least i got to fly first class. I drank as many little tiny bottles of booze as i could in the five and a half hours i was on the aircraft. And champagne before departure definitely takes the edge off having to go from paradise.

It has been nearly 11 months since i started dating E. Things are still on track, but i think the novelty is wearing off for him. For example, he doesn't like to cuddle on the couch and watch TV or movies. He prefers to have his "own space". And when i tried to hold his hand the other day he asked me "Aren't you past that yet?". I guess i just need more physical contact than he does. I just wish he'd meet me half way more often instead of turning on the ice machine and playing Mr. Cool. I know we all have different needs, but it sometimes seems like i'm more in love with him than he is with me. I almost feel bad for wanting to cuddle and be close to him when he says he wants space (which is more often than not). I feel like i'm imposing on him or smothering him. But, i still have my needs and i like to be close to him (despite the fact i don't like other people to touch me or hug me or be close to me). I feel comforted when we are close. Oh well, time will tell. I guess we haven't come this far for no reason.

i got a sorta-kinda promotion at work. I haven't decided if i am going to accept it yet though because i will lose a little pay due to the fact i won't be getting Sunday pay or night differential anymore. But, it's a perfect stepping stone to getting into management, so i probably will accept the appointment. After all, if i have to endure some office job for a year or so in order to get into a management spot with a very handsome pay raise, i guess it will be worth it.

Well, i'm beat. Time for bed after a strong drink and a listen to some nice relaxing music (i'm thinking Alkan).

People are stupid.

2010-06-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

Not all of them, mind you. But most. Why do i say this you ask? Well, i'll tell you. Some punk ass bitch on a rice burning crotch rocket was apparently too busy eyeing up the skeezy ho across the street from him to see my highly illuminated (i mean, the fucking thing has two strips of LED running lights, HID headlamps, fog lamps, side markers, LED turn signals in the side mirrors, etc.) car making a legal turn in front of him and decided to impress said skeez ho by gunning his sewing machine with wheels and plowing into the side of my car. The same car i waited four months for after my previous car was totaled last year by another oxygen thieving co-inhabitant of our lovely little planet. And even though i had the right of way, and had signaled my intentions, and was fully stopped in the center turn lane directly in front of the mouth breather who hit me for a good 30 seconds before commencing my turn and saw his dumb ass sitting there the entire time, the lazy, needle-dicked donut eating prick of a cop who finally arrived at the scene to take names and statements didn't issue the moron who hit me a citation for failure to yield! Cops are useless.

Other than that, nothing much new going on. E and i are fighting like cats and dogs lately and i don't know why. I don't like most of his friends, yet i attend functions and parties where the majority of the people there are his friends. So even though i'm only going because he wants to go, he gets pissed at me because i'm not having a good time. He gets pissed at me when he asks why i'm not having a good time and i tell him it's because most of the people i'm surrounded by are burned out druggies/ex-druggies who do nothing but stay at home in their government funded housing and smoke pot and collect their welfare checks and don't actually contribute anything to society. Nothing wrong with smoking pot, but at least have a fucking job and be able to support your habit so i don't have to. And the ones who do have jobs are still a drag on society and don't even come close to contributing to the system anything near what they take from it. I like a couple of his friends just fine. They are fun and kind and caring people. He gets pissed when i'm irritated and stressed out and bitch about having to go to work and pay taxes and deal with the lazy, stupid people that infest our country. Well, excuse me Mr. I-can-smoke-pot-and-am-not-subject-to-random-drug-screenings-and-am-all-mellowed-out. I don't have the luxury of being able to roll a fatty and get stoned to mellow out after a long, hard day. And what do you have to be stressed out about anyway? You work part time for your internship, have everything taken care of for you by me, your grants and the Bank of Mom and Dad and don't have any real expenses or worries. I love you dearly, but you really need a reality check.

Meh, this is turning into a real bitchfest. Guess i'll wrap it up, have a drink and come on back when i have something nice to say.

All the news that is news.

2010-05-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody. It's been a while since i last posted. But honestly, there isn't really too much worth mentioning going on lately. Work is getting increasingly annoying. Since changing crews in March, it's been a constant struggle forcing myself out of bed (even if it is at one in the afternoon). My God, some of the people i work work are far beyond annoying. They are intolerable. I hate going to work. Management on this side of the crew is no better. They micromanage to excess. Ugh... On a better note, i interviewed for the management position i applied for. I think i did fairly well, and sounded confident when being asked all sorts of ridiculous questions. Even better, only five people applied for the position. So, i have a 20 percent chance of getting the job right off the bat. Besides the prospect of promotion, about the only thing i like about work anymore (since all my work friends are on opposite schedules now) is training. I am an instructor at work and really like being able to teach new people how to do the job. Not to sound to conceited, but i am very good at my job. I think thats why i am so unhappy. It's just become incredibly boring. Once in a while, something interesting happens and i have to act fast to keep the situation under control, but most of the time its routine. Oh well, perhaps i'll get the promotion and will have something else to keep me entertained at work for a while.

One thing that really grates on me lately is this bullshit "click it or ticket" seat belt campaign. Yeah, it's been going on for a while in my state, and really isn't anything new. But when i hear the fucking cops whine about not having enough officers to adequately patrol and enforce meaningful laws and protect the citizens of their state, county, municipality, etc. one moment, and i see a TV ad the next telling me how the lazy pigs are stepping up patrols to specifically target people who aren't wearing their seat belts, i get kind of pissed off. I mean seriously, are there not more serious crimes the goddamn fucking cops should be concerned with? I guess there is very little risk in pulling over a soccer mom driving a mini van who isn't wearing her seat belt when compared to hunting down dangerous, armed criminals like murderers and rapists and child molesters. But hey, as long as the pigs are safe and sound passing out tickets for seat belt infractions, and the ticket revenue keeps pouring in to financially irresponsible government agencies who can't seem to make due with the already excessive taxation they impose upon their citizens, what does it matter if actual criminals who pose a risk to someone other to themselves are running around free?

*deep breath*

I've got tickets to see "Fiddler On The Roof" this Friday. That should be a lot of fun, as i've never seen a live theater production before, with the exception of a local production of "Jesus Christ Superstar" a long time ago. I bought the tickets as a surprise for E for our six month anniversary. He had mentioned that he liked this show and when i saw that it was coming to town, i scooped up some great seats. Needless to say, E is very excited.

Speaking of E, we are celebrating seven months together next week. Time sure flies when one is having fun! I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but i really do love him more with each passing day. Sure, we have our arguments about things, but we always make up quickly and move on. We both have our own set of issues that we are working through, and we are patient with each other and willing to stick it out and make things work. I am so eternally grateful for him, it literally renders me speechless sometimes.

E has got me hooked on a TV series called "Mad Men". It's basically a drama about the lives of advertising executives set in the early 1960's. E bought the first season on DVD at a going out of business sale at a local video store and we were both hooked from the first few episodes. I went out and bought seasons two and three and we are half way through season two after only one weekend. What happens next? I can't wait to find out! What really worries me is this...what happens when i run out of DVD's? Eeeek! I'd rather not think about it...

It would appear that April showers only bring May showers. I am ready for sun! I am way out of shape. I took a bike ride for the first time in a few weeks a couple of days ago and i was really slow. I did make it the full 21 miles of my standard route, but it took me 10 minutes longer and i was 4 MPH slower on average. I deffo need to ride more, and i am still in need of a new road bike. I'm thinking the Trek Madone 4.7. I also want to upgrade my mountain bike to something with front suspension, maybe even full suspension. I took E to Mount Rainier last weekend for a 10 mile hike. It was wonderful. I love Mount Rainier. One of my favorite places. Lucky for me, E likes hiking. But, E is used to hiking in more urban settings such as large city parks with unpaved trails. So, this was fun for him even though he was a bit unprepared for the difficulty of the hike. I admit, i'm a bit out of shape too, so this was a good warm up for some epic hikes this summer.

Well, i've taken up enough of your valuable time with my long winded, half-psychotic ramblings. Hope everything is fine and well for all of you out there! See you again soon.

Oh yeah, how fucking cool is this gonna be?!?!?!

Some really random shit.

2010-04-22T01:31:00.000-07:00

Some days, i seriously question why i even bother getting out of bed. This whole week has been like that. Just a miserable son-of-a-bitch. Goes back to last Saturday i guess...

My boyfriend is still in college. He got laid off from his job a few years ago and took the opportunity to go back to school. Good for him. Really. I did the same thing. Only i quit a perfectly good job to go back to school and pursue a new career (which pays really well, but bores the living shit out of me these days and puts too many restrictions on what i can do with my personal life, i.e random drug tests, can't get treated for certain medical conditions). But i digress... Anyway, as a full time college student at a highly regarded university, E doesn't have much in the way of free time. I am lucky to have him for the little time i do on Friday nights and Saturdays. Well, most of Saturday now. His latest school project has him doing all sorts of crazy shit schedule wise and now he needs 5 hours out of Saturday to do this stuff for school. Fucking great. I don't get to see him all goddamn week and the ONE FUCKING DAY i should be able to spend time with him is now occupied by his school work. I guess i'm being a bit selfish, but FUCK. I work my ass off all week long, earning a living so i can have nice stuff and buy nice stuff for E and provide a secure future for the both of us, and now i can't even have one goddamn fucking day to spend with the man i love? Jesus Christ on a crutch. How frustrating.

I think i mentioned in a previous post how i took new days off (actual weekends off for once) in order to spend more time with E. See how that's backfired on me... What really annoys me isn't that he's gone five fucking hours out of the one day a week i get with him, but rather we can't plan a fucking thing to do. Can't plan an overnight trip, can't go for a hike (i mean the time he needs is from 11am until about 4pm, right in the middle of the goddamn day for fuck sake), can't go for a day trip, can't do a fucking thing. And come Sunday morning, POOF!!! he's gone for another week and i'm left wondering what the fuck.

On an unrelated note, E says i swear too much. Especially the "F" bomb. I wonder what the fuck he's talking about....

Anywho, i guess i just needed to vent. I know he's only doing what he needs to do. But what about me? I don't get any time with my man, i don't get to de-stress from the Hell that my job has become (unless you count the vast quantities of liquor i now consume), and i go back to work the next week more stressed out than i was the previous week.

My job is high stress (and those of you who know what i do will know what i mean). But despite it's stress levels, it bores me to death. Its always the same old shit. And not to blow my own horn, but i'm really good at what i do and it's really quite easy for me. This one does this, that one does that, everyone lives. But should i fuck up... Not that i would ever fuck up. So, i am an instructor at work. I warp young, impressionable minds into twisted voids of insanity. I really enjoy teaching. It's the only thing i like about my job anymore, and even it is becoming stale. So, i did the unthinkable...i bid on a management position. Yep, i'm now a traitor in the eyes of my peers. But fuck them anyway, i'll be the one laughing when i get the $30k a year pay increase AND get to tell them what to do!

Still, i wonder if i will be happy with that for long. I seem to get bored easily and need something new relatively frequently. But with all the bullshit of my job, i still can't have any real fun in my free time because of all the restrictions my job places on my personal life. It really annoys me that i can't have any fun, especially considering E smokes pot on occasion. I want to be able to have that to share with him. And my stupid fucking job won't let me. With the stress levels my job provides me, smoking a joint now and then would probably really do me some good. I'd probably drink a lot less. Time to find a new career. One that pays six figures and gives me some personal freedoms.

Depression has really been fucking with me lately. Yet another "benefit" of my job...just being diagnosed as "depressed" would cost me my employment, and forget about getting treatment. So, i get to suffer. E has mild depression (who doesn't these days), but my condition is a bit more serious than just being depressed. Both he and i have self diagnosed me with something more than just depression. Again, i lose my job if my employer finds out. Maybe i shouldn't be talking about this here... Whatever. You guys won't tattle on me, will you. But i do have one blessing. E. He loves me despite my condition and the mood swings and the shit i put him through from time to time. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that. He loves me. No matter what.

Well, if that isn't a random ass collection of thoughts, i don't know what is.

By the way, FUCK YOU, COMCAST!!! LICK MY FUCKING BALLS!!! I'M SICK OF PAYING GOOD FUCKING MONEY FOR YOUR SHITTY SERVICE!!! Oh, sorry, XFINITY. Whatever. You still FUCKING SUCK! Come on people, It's 2010. Getting reliable cable TV, internet and phone service shouldn't be such a problem. You wouldn't believe how often my cable goes out, or my phone, or perhaps worst of all, my internet. Good fucking God. What brought that on you ask? My cable is out AGAIN!!! The second time tonight. and when you call to ask why your $70/month cable TV is out for the second time in one evening? That's right, no dial tone on my phone. Lucky i still have internet, for now. This shit is enough to piss off the Pope.

OK, i'm having a bad day, can't you tell??? Sorry for being so grouchy. I hope it was at least amusing.

Oh yeah, i gave E a key to my house. I'm thinking of asking him to move in with me soon (especially considering that he lives in a shitty neighbourhood and i worry about him). BIG step, kind of scares me...

Until next time...

P.S. (Who actually reads this shit anyway? Should i even bother writhing this blog anymore?)

Awesome.

2010-04-05T23:31:00.000-07:00

Awesome is the only word i can think of to describe the Muse concert i attended last Friday. Even if viewed from a purely musical standpoint, the performance was awesome. Such incredible song writing and arranging skills, and spot on musicianship are rarely seen in artists these days. The songs inspire and make one move and think and emote. But it wasn't just great songs played well (although Muse have great songs and play them well). It was the show. Brilliant use of green lasers and multi-colored LED spotlights and other lighting combined with the stage set (three sky scraper platforms that descend into the stage). My seats weren't the best (even though i bought them pre-sale, the best i could get was second level at some odd angle to the stage...pre-sale is a crock of shit). Despite the less than great seats, the mix wasn't too bad and the volume of the PA was loud but not deafening or harsh. Muse opened with "Uprising", possibly one of their best songs ever and played a good mix of songs from albums old and new alike. The Silversun Pickups opened for Muse and were just amazing to see live too.

I missed the first song from the Silversun Pickups as traffic getting to the venue was as fucked as i'd ever seen Seattle traffic. It took a full half an hour to travel just two miles. Of course, asshole drivers zipping past the line of cars patiently waiting their turn to exit the freeway and going to the head of the line and stopping traffic until someone let them in didn't help matters any. One stupid asshole found out he was fucking with the wrong fag. The guy almost hit my car as he was trying to weasel his way in front of me just a couple car lengths from the end of the exit lane. I held my ground and he had to get behind me. He then had the balls to roll his window down and shout something to me about being a stupid fag, blah blah blah. Seeing as how traffic wasn't moving anyway, i took the opportunity to calmly put my car in park, get out and ask this prick just what the FUCK his problem was. I stated that if he wished to spend the next few weeks in a hospital bed recovering from untold injuries, that he should by all means continue his present course of action. If, however, he wanted to spend his weekend breathing unassisted and moving under his own power, that he should offer and immediate apology. I said all of this in a fairly calm and cool tone of voice. This obviously had an effect on him, as he was stammering out his apology giving excuses as to why he was acting like such a prick within half a second of me ending my little speech. I was back in my car and on my merry way and i didn't even hold up traffic. The idiot kept about five car lengths back even though we were only traveling at half a mile an hour. Eventually, some other cars merged from another lane and i didn't see him again. It felt good to put this prick in his place.

I met the boyfriends psycho Christian parents for the first time on Sunday. He invited me over (with their permission) for Easter dinner. His parents are really nice people, but they don't much like gays and aren't really thrilled that their son is gay. My bf was REALLY stressed about the whole thing because of how past boyfriends have been received by his parents. But, things went fairly well and he said that his parents actually like me, despite the fact i get gay with their son. Maybe it's because i'm not a bum and have real career unlike bf's past. The food was really great too. His dad is an exceptional cook. But i was a bit nervous after hearing horror stories about how things have gone with past bf's. But he seems to think things are OK with the parents this time. He also seems to think this is a huge step in our relationship as well, as he said he has only ever brought home guys he is really serious about. He sent me a text after i took him home to tell me just how much he loves me and that he loves me no matter what. That made me happy. He also said he misses me already, even though we had only been apart for about 45 minutes. I miss him too...

Sunday also marked five months that i have been seeing my bf. Wow. Has it really been five months?! We are practically an old married couple in terms of gay relationships. There has been some talk about moving in together in the not too distant future. I'm a little scared about that honestly. I'm happy about having him around all the time, but that's a huge step. And he's my first real boyfriend. So, first time having a live in boyfriend is spooky. I am scared about him being my first serious relationship too. I wonder if that concerns him? I wonder if he worries that i will get bored with him and want to try something new with someone else. I of course won't do that. I love him so much i don't have the words to express it. I am concerned too, because everyone always warns me about not going to crazy over the first guy i fall in love with, that first relationships never last. I think they're wrong and i would be perfectly happy with him for the rest of my life. I mean, anyone who knows just how fucked up i am and STILL loves me? He's deffo a keeper!

Well, this has been long winded enough. Time to sign off. I hope you all had a nice Easter.

Until next time...

As promised....

2010-04-01T02:41:00.000-07:00

Here are your pictures from my trip. I took several hundred photos, so this is a very small sampling of what i took. Naturally, i'm keeping the best ones for myself. I mean, i can't have my best photos out there for people to steal off the interwebs. And yes, these are my photos, so no use of the photos i post on this blog by anyone, anywhere without my permission. I'm a greedy, selfish bastard, aren't i? That is, assuming anyone would want to use my photos. At any rate, the trip was fantastic. I really didn't want to leave. The bf and i had a great time, and it was so wonderful to have him all to myself for almost a week. I'm a bit buzzed as i write this, so i hope i don't get too carried away. Being back "home" really sucks. I fucking hate it here. The crowds, the prickish people, all of it. And i fucking hate going to work every day. The politics and bullshit really wear me down and depress me. Yeah, depression is still a problem despite having a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. He knows about my depression and sticks with me despite my periodic moodiness and melancholy. I feel so bad for putting him through what i do, but i can't help who i am. Despite it all, he loves and accepts me good and bad alike. What a blessing he is. I only wish my job would allow me to get treatment for my depression. But alas, even the diagnosis of depression would spell the end of my career (my work is dependent upon me keeping a medical clearance and depression is disqualifying). Too bad they do random drug testing too. I'm sure smoking pot would help correct my various conditions.

Windows Vista is a steaming pile of shit. I have Windows 7 on my desktop (better than Vista, but still not great), and my main laptop is a Mac (as will be every new computer i buy from now on). But my old laptop ran Vista. I fucking hate it. So, i finally put to use the unlimited license copy of Windows XP i've had sitting around for a couple of years (i got it from a friend who got it from sources who shall remain nameless lol). Yes, it's genuine. And legal. I installed it on my old laptop. What a bitch. I had to change some obscure setting in the BIOS in order for set-up to recognize my hard drive and install XP. I hate Hewlett Packard, as they do everything in their power to make sure you can't do anything to the computer you bought from them other than re-install the factory OS and software. It took me for fucking ever to hunt down drivers for my installed hardware that was compatible with Windows XP (fucking HP only offers drivers for Vista on their website). But fuck them, i'm a determined mother fucker. I am now running Windows XP without all the bullshit software and garbage HP insists on dumping on consumers. This old laptop rocks now! Soooooo fast and *SHOCK* it doesn't crash every two minutes.

I'm going to see Muse on Friday!!! Should be absolutely amazing! And the Silversun Pickups are opening! BONUS!!! I love them too!

But i digress... Here are the photos at last. Let me know what you think, won't you?

^ Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach from my balcony

^ Giant tree (6 feet in diameter) fallen across my hiking trail

^ Neahkahnie Mountain (and the Pacific Ocean) as viewed from the trail

^ The view from atop Neahkahnie Mountain

^ The Oregon Coast from atop Neahkahnie Mountain

^ Sunset at Cannon Beach

Oh yeah...

2010-03-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot. March 15th marked one year I have been writing this little blog. Woot. And today (March 19th) is the one year mark for my coming out. It was one year ago today that I first came out to someone I knew personally in real life. I've come pretty far in a year. I'd write more, but I'm writing this on my iPod touch and I'm tired and not too many people will read it anyway lol. Cheers!

Hellooooooooo....

2010-03-18T01:09:00.000-07:00

What a week. I have been so swamped with work and other obligations that i have not had much time to even let my brain rest. As i write this, i have a splitting headache. It feels as though there is a black hole at the center of my head trying to consume my very being. Everything is starting to bloom and bud in my part of the world, so seasonal allergies are driving me fucking bonkers at the moment as well.

At any rate, i am in a state of upheaval right now. As many of you who i have talked to on MSN know, my work schedule has been rather hectic. I was working days, evenings and overnight shifts all within the cozy confines of a single work week. Week, after week, after week. Three years worth of weeks in fact. And my days off (Tuesday and Wednesday) sucked. At least i thought they did. Now i'm not so sure. So, after 3 years of shit hours and days off, i finally have enough seniority to get "normal" days off. For the first time in my career, i have weekends off. Normal, Saturday and Sunday weekends. Now, the only reason i bid that schedule is to spend more time with "E". I find the obscene amount of small minded and otherwise mentally challenged people who roam the streets free on the weekend to be very annoying and tedious. Having to battle crowds at Costco or the mall or even the goddamn woods to go for a hike for fuck sake drives me bat shit crazy. But, E is a full time student and is in class and studying and writing papers during the week. And while he was staying over at my house four nights a week, we never really got to go out or even spend more than an hour or two watching a movie or tv together. And when he had days off (Sat. and Sun.), i was at work. It sucked. I went to work Sundays with less than an hour of sleep for more than four months. In my line of work, being alert and having a functioning brain is a good thing. Needless to say, my performance was less than stellar on Sundays, as i rarely got more than a few hours of sleep the preceding nights. But no one died, so it's all good. So, when i had the opportunity to bid weekends off, i took it.

Now, there is a catch. I work all evenings, usually from 3pm until 11pm. Not too bad, because i am NOT a morning person (in fact, i find people who are chipper and cheerful in the early am hours to be highly offensive individuals). So, being able to sleep in all week long is great. But, i can't spend any time with E during the week. So, we now have Friday nights from the time i get off until sunday morning together. This means we can go out and do normal things on Saturday like a normal couple and even go out Friday night if we so choose. But, since he has a fairly old fashioned family and has Sunday dinner with them, that leaves me high and dry most of Sunday (they don't approve of his "choice" of lifestyle, and aren't too crazy about the idea of me, or any other man for that matter, being with their son). So that leaves me squarely out of the family picture.

So now instead of having E four nights a week and spending a little time together, i only have him two nights a week. I do have him all day saturday, but the weekend is sort of fucked because of his family obligations on sunday. In short, i was perfectly happy with my shitty hours and shitty days off. I took days off i'm not entirely thrilled with in order to be able to spend more time with the man i love. Now it would seem that my plan is backfiring on me. Not only do i see him two fewer nights a week, but i have to go 5 whole days without seeing him. It sucks. I miss him.

OK, i guess i shouldn't whine too much because i DO have him. I love him, and he loves me. But being without him from Sunday afternoon thru Friday night is shitty. I have work to distract me, but work is a pain in my ass and the only reason i continue going is because it pays so well. I find myself just wanting to cuddle up with him and be close to him after a long day of work. But all i have is an empty house to come home to. Well, it's not completely empty. There is plenty of wine, scotch, rum, vodka and mixers. Drinking (heavily) is a fairly expensive hobby. All of my hobbies are rather expensive come to think of it. Flying airplanes, cars, guitars, photography...

But i digress. My point is i fucked up. I should have kept my fucked up schedule. This would have been better come summer when he is out of school, as we would have had almost 3 whole days together during the week. Now all i have is one lousy day. Ugh. Seriously, UGH!!! I really do believe i was meant to be royalty or some trust fund baby who never has to work or lift a finger. I'm not cut out for work. It interferes with life and actually living way too much. I want to quit my job, move someplace tropical with my man, tend bar and smoke pot (if it weren't for random drug tests and the risk of losing my job, i would be smoking pot now and i wouldn't be so fucking stressed out all the time). No stress, no worries, no bullshit. Modern life is way to fucking complicated and messy.

On a brighter note, i have next week off and will be on vacation with E for most of it. We are hitting the Oregon Coast for some rest, relaxation, and hiking! I can't wait. My fucking head might explode if i don't get the fuck out of town for a while. We went to the coast just before Christmas last year and loved it so much that we are going back again for almost a whole week instead of just a couple of days. While i have felt very strongly for him and have had the seeds of love sown from the very beginning of our relationship, it was in Cannon Beach that i really fell 100% head over heels in love with E. I can't wait to go back. If you're good boys and girls, maybe i'll post a few pics from the trip here.

I have a brand new Nikon Nikkor VR II 18-200mm lens to try out on my Nikon D90 on this trip. It was such a pain in the ass having to switch lenses last time (my old lenses were 18-55mm and 55-200mm). Now those two lenses are in one lens with overall better optics, better vibration reduction, and i have finally bought some quality filters (had cheapo filter on my old lenses since i have been planning on replacing them with the new 18-200 for a while). I am quite the shutter bug, although i am still a fairly shitty photographer. I do love taking pictures though.

I am happy to see some sunshine and warmer temperatures recently. It means i can take my S5 out of the garage and drive it finally. I havn't had it out in the rain yet, and don't plan on it. I guess it's kind of a toy for me as opposed to being just a mode of transportation, although it certainly is that as well. But, i had it out today for the commute to work and made great time as i was doing 120 mph on the freeway interchange ramp. I was taking it a bit easy, as the break-in period isn't yet over. Legal? No. Fun? Hell yeah!

I'll close this post with a song. I haven't done one of these in a while. The video isn't the greatest, but the song is amazing. This is a track from The Mars Volta's "De-loused in the Comatorium" album. If you've never heard of The Mars Volta, well, you should give them a listen. They are fucking brilliant! Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (the mastermind of The Mars Volta) is one of those rare musical geniuses who creates music that is so full of intelligence and depth that it's beyond the taste of the lazy listeners of today. Do yourself a favor and spend five minutes listening to this song and expand your musical horizons. If you already know and love The Mars Volta, god for you! You win absolutely nothing at all!!! If, however, you don't enjoy this song, please check your pulse as you may in fact be dead.

Thank God I'm Gay.

2010-02-17T20:40:00.000-08:00

Why is it that the people we depend upon the most in life when times get tough also are the ones who cause us the most stress and aggravation? Yes, i'm talking about family. My family are the most frustrating, maddening group of people you'd ever want to meet. I love them dearly, but some times they make me want to fucking KILL.

Mostly it's the female members of my family that bring these emotions to surface in me. Take my mother for example. Yes, she is my mom and i'm sure she loves me very much, as i do her. But she can be the most manipulative, and childish person i know. Tonight (or last night now i guess) she called to ask what i bought my boyfriend for Valentines Day, as i'd asked her what she thought about the gifts i was considering (i wound up buying him a rather pricey bottle of cologne and a gift card to the salon where he gets his hair done). After our brief convo about V-day gifts, my mom said that my sis had sent a package to my house for her and that it's scheduled to arrive tomorrow and would i please call her when it arrives. OK, sure, no problem. "Oh by the way", she says, "i didn't know if you knew or not but you are going in with your sis and dad and me in paying for your brothers honeymoon as his wedding gift." Excuse me? Did you just volunteer me to pay for one quarter of my brothers honeymoon?!?! Yes, i believe you did. "How much is that going to cost?" i ask. "Well", she says in a rather irritated tone of voice, "you don't have to if you don't want to but the rest of us are". Yes, she tries the guilt trip maneuver. I said that i'd consider it, because, well, why would i want to commit to paying for one quarter of something when i don't even know how much it will cost? Even though it's for my brother (who we will discuss later), why is it just assumed that i have bags of cash lying around to pay for OTHERS vacations ffs?

That settled, she comes around to asking if i can take her and my sister to the airport and pick them up when my sister takes my mom to Hawaii in a few months. I say, and i quote, "Sure, i guess". "Well, why wouldn't you want to?" she asks me. Well, for one, i have to get up early to take you there on my day off, two it's a fucking hour, hour and a quarter drive there, and an hour, hour and a quarter drive home times two, three it's my day off and i'm probably going to be out late the night before and running on very little sleep (yes, i know 1 and 3 are very similar). That's what i was thinking, what i said was "It's the airport.". It's at this point she gets all pissed off and says "Just forget it. Why do you have to make everything so difficult?" Well, excuse the fuck out of me! Sorry for not being all excited about having to piss away five hours of two separate days off. I didn't say that of course, but i just told her that even though it's not my idea of fun, i'd do it for her because she'd do it for me (except she's always traveling on someone elses dime and i am always getting to play taxi cab, while i ask for a ride maybe one time a year at most). But that's beside the point. Once again, she tries to make me feel guilty for not being thrilled at the prospect of sitting in traffic and jockeying for position at the departures terminal, as if i should be grateful for the opportunity. So suddenly, i'm the asshole for not being excited about having my weekend interrupted and spending hours in the car when i should be sleeping. Of course, i refuse to play her little mind fuck head game and bow down to her guilt trip, and this only serves to piss her off more. She finally just says "Just let me know when my package arrive, goodbye" and hangs up. Wow, she usually just hangs up. How childish.

Now comes act II. My sister sends me a text a few minute later asking me why i always have to give my mom such a hard time when she asks for a favor and asks just whats wrong with me. What the FUCK? My mom and my sister are thick as thieves. They are co-conspirators in making my life as difficult as possible. For example, last month my sis flew up to visit my mom after her surgery (that i had to take her to the hospital for after working all night on 1 hour of sleep and stay up for 36 fucking hours to take care of her afterward). So, the original plan was that my mom and sis would come to my house and get to meet my boyfriend and i'd cook dinner or my bf would cook for us. Cool, we can eat and drink and maybe play a game or something and they get to know "E" better. Well, the day before all this is supposed to take place, my mom calls and says my sis just wants to go out to eat. Well, why? I thought we had this all planned out. She gets all defensive and pissed off and once again i'm the asshole. Guess what? My sis sends a text and asks what the big deal is (See whats happening? The first thing my mom does is call my sister and tell her what an asshole i'm being. Nice, eh?). Whatever...do what you want. So instead of a fun family night, it's an hour at a fairly crap restaurant with mediocre food. But i'm the asshole.

After a couple more texts with my sis last night, i try and call my mom and ask what time her flights are so i can plan ahead. She doesn't answer the line. I try her mobile, no answer. I know it's on because it rings before going to voice mail instead of going right to voice mail if it were off. She's ignoring me. How typical and childish. I try her home phone again and leave a message. I then try calling my sister and the the same results. Fucking women.

My brother and i were really close when we were kids. I am the oldest and he is the youngest child. Naturally, it fell upon me to be the man of the house after my parents got divorced. I was helping support my family with my paper route money when i was 12, making sure my bro and sis were fed and walked to school and being cared for when my mom was working. My sis has always been fairly independent, but my bro, being the youngest, has always been pampered and coddled. This carries on until this day. He has been getting financial support from my mom, and to a lesser extent, me, from the time he graduated high school and moved out of my dad's house on his own and went to college. Well, he started and stopped college so many times, i lost count, even though he did earn his degree at the age of 27. Not criticizing mind you, just making some points about his nature. He doesn't care about money. He lives simple. Small apartment, few material things, etc. But he is very irresponsible with the money he does have. I still get calls from debt collectors looking for him. So, yes, i guess i was an enabler, but he's my little brother...how could i let him hang out to dry?

I guess my point is this: I am very responsible. I'm the one who gets things done, takes care of business, never slacking for even one moment. I pay my bills, i paid my way through college and got a good job and have more stuff than i can use. But i earned it. I never had anything given to me. My brother on the other hand, has always had everything handed to him on a silver fucking platter. So, why is it that i should work hard and bust my balls working a high stress job so i can pay for my brother to take a fucking honeymoon vacation? Shouldn't people be buying me a vacation for all i've done and for all my hard work?

Please don't misunderstand, i love being able to help my family. There just seems to be a slight inequity in how things are being distributed. I continue to work hard and carry the burden of responsibility, while others reap the benefit of my hard work.

That may sound like some serious whining, but goddamn, it burns my ass. I have been burdened with taking care of my kid sis and bro from an early age. I didn't have much of a childhood because of that and i missed out on a lot. They never had to worry about that. Their lives went on. And while we were very poor when we were kids, things were largely normal for my sis and bro because of my mom's hard work and dedication and because of mine. So, i sacrificed my childhood for them and i still get shit all these years later as an adult? Doesn't seem fair to me. Yeah, i know, life isn't fair. But i'm goddamn sick and fucking tired of being responsible. I want to try and regain what i lost as a kid. I want to quit my job, go on a drug bender and stay stoned for the rest of my life and sit on a beach and drink highly alcoholic but fruity tasting beverages. I won't, because responsibility is ingrained in me. Which makes my internal struggle all that much more difficult. Despite all i have, i'm sick of being me. I want to be the one who gets taken care of and doesn't have to worry about anything. I want to be the one to call upon others to bail me out when i fuck up. I want to sleep until four in the afternoon, smoke a bowl and play my guitar instead of getting up at four in the morning to go to work and being able to have only one drink when i get home because i might get random drug and alcohol screened at work. FUCK BEING RESPONSIBLE.

It seems the only one in my family who doesn't drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy is my dad. We get along like peas and carrots. He's been my best friend since i was a wee lad. We haven't always agreed on everything, but we are always able to talk about our differences in opinion. After dealing with my mom's crap, it's no wonder he divorced her. And i hate to say it, but it's no wonder my sister still hasn't married. She's a mirror image of my mother. No wonder i turned out gay for fuck sakes!!!!!!!!! (For the record, i don't believe people can be made gay, but rather we are born gay.)

So, this isn't the post i had intended to make tonight. I was going to write about some other, more relevant things. Like how much has changed for me in the last year. About how i came out to the first person i knew in real life just about a year ago, and how my life has turn down a new and wonderful road in the months that have passed since then. But the crazy women in my life had to go and get me all spooled up. And the vodka is working its magic now. I also have a wonderful man waiting for me to keep him warm in bed. So, i guess i'll say goodnight. I will make that post soon. For now, i'll just say thank God i'm gay, lest i suffer the wrath of yet another insane woman in my life.

Happy Valentines Day

2010-02-13T16:01:00.000-08:00

...or not.

Let's see...

2010-01-22T02:31:00.001-08:00

Yay! Muse is coming to town in April and i've got my tickets in my hot little hands. I can't wait! Good times. After three and a half months of waiting, my new S5 finally arrived a couple of weeks ago. It is, believe it or not, better than the car it replaces. The electronics in this car far surpass that of the old one. The new one also has a really slick adjustable performance differential as a part of the Drive Select system. I haven't had the chance to test it's effectiveness yet, but in theory it will make cornering performance even better than ever. It's really quite a bit of fun to drive in any event. Now, if i can only be a good boy and take it easy on it for the first 1000 miles and break it in properly. I feel quite snobbish with a new Audi A4 and a new Audi S5 in my garage. Quite snobbish.

Anyway, i'm dead fucking tired. Time for bed. Laterz.

10001110101

2010-01-08T23:35:00.000-08:00

Happy belated new year to all of you! I sincerely hope that all of you had a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year (the "holiday season" as it is now commonly referred to as). Regardless of what one believes, one can't argue that Christmas is rooted in the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. We have holidays for everything else these days, so why is it that people are so bent on taking the "Christ" out of Christmas? I would venture to say that 90% of the shops i frequented this year said "happy holidays" instead of merry Christmas. Even when i said "Merry Christmas" to a shop clerk i got a "happy holidays" in return the majority of the time. I asked several clerks about this behavior and some told me it was against company policy to say "merry Christmas" in order to avoid offending people. Seriously? Well, i tell you what offends me is an over abundance of political correctness. Sorry, but the day is still called Christmas. I work with the public in my job and am employed by a public agency. On Christmas Eve (a day Obama declared a holiday for the purposes of letting government employees go home early) i was counseled by a supervisor at work for saying "Merry Christmas" to my "customers". (Sorry for the vagueness of my work and employment descriptions, but it's necessary to retain my anonymity. Those of you who know what i do for a living will know what i'm talking about.) So, let me get this straight. Christmas is not only the name of the day, but is a Federal holiday, and is so important to people that the day before it should be declared a federal holiday but i'm not allowed to say Merry Christmas to people for fear of offending someone? BULLSHIT. I defied a direct order from a "superior" and kept right on saying "Merry Christmas", even while the supe was sitting next to me busting my balls for saying it (my "customers" are not in the room with me if you haven't gather that little nugget of info yet). He threatened to write me up for insubordination and i just laughed and said "go ahead, see how far that goes". What the fuck is wrong with people?!? He must be so miserable that he feels the need to snuff out even the smallest ember of kindness and human decency in order to try and make everyone else feel just as shitty as he does. I mean, i had to work Christmas and so did my "customers". So why not do what i can to be friendly and pass on a little kindness to people as unlucky as me that they should have to work on Christmas? Bottom line, all of this political correctness and being afraid of offending people has gotten out of hand. I have nothing but respect for whatever one chooses to believe or practice. But for fuck sake, LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My new year resolution number one is to be as politically INCORRECT as possible in 2010. Something i've said has offended you? TOUGH SHIT. Fucking deal with it. Fuck.

:END RANT:

Anywho... 2009 was one hell of a year. A lot happened. I met a lot of great people here online and i am grateful to each of you for your help and support and for your help in getting me to where i am today. And where is that exactly? For starters, i am OUT. I am an openly gay man and i can be myself and not have to worry about people finding me out for the first time in almost 20 years since i figured out i was gay. All the people who matter most to me are completely, and 100% accepting and supportive of me and do not judge me because of my sexuality. In fact, i have yet to have one bad reaction in a coming out scenario, although i am still waiting for my first one (and rather looking forward to telling whoever it may be to kindly fuck off, i don't need you anyway). I still have a lot of healing to do in terms of reconciling my past and coming to terms with the shit i put myself through by staying in the closet for so long. But i am making progress. Its a long road ahead, but when i look at where i was a year ago to where i am now, i can't believe my eyes. Its like i am a different man. I feel happiness for the first time in ages. I still have days where i am down in the dumps and feeling pretty low (and i imaging those days will come around from time to time for the rest of my life). But they are far fewer than they were in the past and less extreme in nature and easier to pull out of.

Perhaps most amazing of all, i have a wonderful boyfriend who i am deeply in love with and who loves me just as much. "E" is an incredible man who loves me for me, good and bad (and i can be a real asshole sometimes, so he must really love me to put up with that lolz). I love him for the person inside of him, for who he really is as well. But, i guess i must have been a really good boy because not only is he a sweet, smart, loving, caring (he brought leftover Christmas dinner from his families dinner to my house for me after i got off work on Christmas), wonderful man, he is also quite the good looker! I know, looks aren't everything, but they sure can't hurt. :P He's tall and slender and pretty much everything i could ever want in a man. Yeah, i got REAL lucky! And without going into too much detail, lets just say that i'm the more masculine of the two of us, if you catch my drift. Suffice to say, the sex is amazing.

That's all well and good, but more important, we celebrated our two month anniversary a few days ago. An eternity when measuring the duration of most gay relationships (hell, hetero relationships these days for that matter). Sure some of the newness and glow has dissipated, but i love him more than ever and we spend quite a lot of time together (fyi, our little trip to the ocean was simply incredible). So, here's to another two months, leading to years and decades of happiness.

Lastly, remember that little fender bender i was in back in late August? Yeah, the one where the stupid cunting whore drove her fucking TANK of an SUV into the rear-end of my car at 40 mph? Well, after three and a half months of waiting, my replacement Audi S5 has finally arrived. I am picking it up after work tomorrow. It is still costing me money, as the insurance only paid for the value of my totaled car, not replacement value, but will be well worth it.

Sorry for not posting more frequently, but i have been pretty busy as of late. I am on MSN once in a while, but its usually really late, and no one else is on. So, one of these days i will have to get on and do some catching up with all of you.

Until next time...

Happy...whatever you celebrate

2009-12-24T18:52:00.000-08:00

Hey there. It's been a while. No, I'm not dead or in prison. I've just been super busy with work and spending every free moment with the boyfriend. In fact, I've just returned from a romantic four day getaway to the Oregon coast with "E". Four wonderful days alone with him was amazing. We walked on the beach, did some hiking, ate at some great restaurants and of course spent a lot of time cuddled up in bed. We actually celebrated Christmas together on Sunday since I have to work the holiday. We exchanged gifts, drank Dom Perignon and just enjoyed each others company. I have completely fallen in love with him. So far, it's been the best Christmas ever. Sorry for the scattered, random post. I'm on my iPhone and am short on time as I am on break at work. At any rate, I just wanted to drop in and say hello and let you all know that I'm thinking of you all. I've made a lot of great friends here this year. Sorry for being out of touch lately. I will try to make a proper post and catch you all up soon. For now, Happy Christmas to all of you!

PS - I went swimming in the Pacific Ocean with an outside air temperature of 39 degrees farenheit. Yes, it was FUCKING COLD! It was quite a bit of fun and earned me a few "what the fuck is the matter with you?" looks from people walking by. Being insane can be fun. Bwahahaha!

You're always fucking staring at me with that glass fucking eye!

2009-11-22T15:06:00.000-08:00

If anyone had told me even a month ago that i would meet an amazing man who i am 99.9% compatible with and who likes me as much as i like him, i would have called them a fucking liar. But much to my astonishment, this is exactly what happened. I have met a man who compliments me, who fills that lonely void in my soul, who understands and accepts me for who i am and not what i look like. So far, we have exchanged countless emails, text messages and phone calls. We have also had 8 dates over the past couple weeks. He has even spent the night at my house once. To say that we like each other is an understatement. The feelings we have grow stronger each day. Looking back from where i am now, i can see that while i may have felt attracted to guys in the past, and maybe even felt some emotional connection to them, they were all lacking something fundamental and indescribable. The "emotions" i felt toward them were empty. With "E" there is something more there than just a pretty face (and he is deffo cute). With him, we are connected on a level that is deep and real. All the cards are on the table. There are no secrets, nothing to hide.

It's official. I have a boyfriend. We are still trying our best to take things easy and not rush into anything (like sex for example). But, we are exclusive. It's pretty exciting. I love being with him, and he loves being with me. We spend all of our free time together it seems and i am longing to be with him when he isn't around. We really seem to be falling for each other.

Well, enough of my blather. I am taking an overnight road trip with "E" on Tuesday into Wednesday, so i probably won't be online much before the Thanksgiving holiday. Here's wishing all of you happy holidays!

Hope you enjoy the video.

The Start Of Something Beautiful

2009-11-17T04:45:00.000-08:00

Oh, hello. Long time no talk. Sorry for not posting in a while. I've been pretty busy and a lot has happened since my last post. Almost all of it good. Quite good. So good in fact, that i am still waiting to wake up from what can only be a dream.

So, last time i posted was a little more than two weeks ago. At that time, i had been out on two dates with "A" and had got the lets be friends bit from him. I was pretty disappointed, but after a couple days of moping around, i kind of snapped out of it. He is young, 19 to be exact. While he does display an incredible amount of maturity for someone his age (hell, an incredible amount of maturity for people twice his age), he is still young. It took a lot of talking with a few of you guys (you know who you are, and i am in your debt for your friendship and support) on MSN to finally convince me of this. He is young and stupid was what i was told. Indeed he is. Despite being fairly mature, he still has no idea what he wants from life. My feelings for him are just the result of being starved of attention for so long and him giving me some much needed attention. Well, once i realized that i was able to move on and do just what he wanted...be his friend. We have gotten together a couple more times since then. Once for just dinner and once we actually took a road trip together. It was fun. After accepting being "just friends" all the outer awkwardness disappeared. In the end, all i experienced with him was for the best and was a valuable learning experience.

About the same time as when i got the lets be friends text from "A", i had began talking to another guy i met online, call him "E". I had sent "E" a message on one of the dating sites i have an account with back in late September and had never heard back from him. Out of the blue i get a message back from him and he is very apologetic for taking so long in responding to my message, as he doesn't check his account very often because he doesn't get very many messages and the ones he does get are from creepos. Wow, sounds kind of like me. So, he includes his actual email address and chat id so we can communicate easier. From his very first email to me, i knew he was something special. Just the overall tone of his email made me feel something was singularly unique about him.

Short story long, we began a series of rather lengthy emails back and forth. He was kind enough to include some info about himself in his first email as an ice breaker/convo starter. It worked rather well. I asked him some new questions about things he likes, what beliefs he holds, what music he likes, etc. With each new email, we asked each other new questions and answered our own questions from the previous email. It was a rather fun and interesting way to get the basic "get to know you" stuff out of the way. By the time we actually spoke on MSN, we had a pretty good idea about what made the other tick. After a couple weeks of exchanging emails and chatting on MSN, we exchanged phone numbers and began a textathon and finally arranged to meet.

Our first date was last Tuesday and it went splendidly. I picked him up at his place and we went to dinner at a very nice Asian place in Tacoma not far from his apartment. We talked with each other so easily, it was as if we were old pals getting together after a long time apart. It was a lot of fun. After dinner, we went back to his place to drop the leftovers off in his fridge so they wouldn't rot in the car the rest of the night. After about 45 mins of chit chat, i asked what he wanted to do next. I had made reservations for a concert (free show, but limited seating), but by the time we were ready to go, it was too late to catch the beginning of the show in Seattle. So, he said anything sounds like fun, that he's really easy going just like me. I asked if he has ever been to the Space Needle and he said no. Well, how about we go there? Sure he says.

Its about an hour drive to Seattle from his place and we have a nice drive up. It is raining and foggy on the drive up, and i was commenting on how crap the view will be if its foggy. As we approach Seattle, the fog lifts a bit and we can see the city skyline in the distance. We find parking and walk through the cold rain to the Space Needle huddled up beneath a couple of too small umbrellas. It was pretty intimate and we kind of cuddled up for warmth as we walked. We buy our tickets and head up. The view is incredible at night. We hold hands a bit and walk around, get a coffee, take some pictures, enjoy each others company and the spectacular view. After about 2 and a half hours, we decide to head out and hit the gift shop on the way out. I bought a Space Needle Lego kit (Legos FTW!!!), and bought him a cute little Space Needle pen he really liked. On our way out, i got a bit turned around trying to find the freeway and somehow wound up in the U-district. Hmmm...there is a great drive-in near there and i as if he like the place. He loves it, and so it's decide we stop for burgers and shakes. That done, and it's now 11:15pm (i picked him up at 5pm). "So, what next?" i ask. He says whatever is fine, so i suggest we go to my place and watch a movie. Ok he says.

So, off to my house we go and we arrive at about midnight. We plug in a movie and cuddle up on the couch. After the movie, the cuddle session turned to a make-out session. :D Yeah, fun times! I finally drive him home at about 5:30am, and he says he wants to meet again that night. Sounds good to me!

Ok, time to cut to the chase as i'm realllllllly tired right now. We met up that night, and had a great time again. We met again on Saturday, and i cooked dinner for him and again we had a great time. We went out again last night and wound up at my place once again. And again, i didn't take him home until really really late (early?). I am just amazed! He is really into me and i'm really into him. We are both deeply in "like" with each other haha. Both of us want the same thing...a lasting, long term relationship. Neither of us want to rush into sex just wind up fuck buddies. We both want to go a little slow and really get to know each other first. He is a bit older than the last guy, but still younger than me (he's 27). He is different. We just mesh so well. He feels the same way. It's amazing how well we get along. No awkward moments with him. Everything just feels "right". We are so compatible it's almost scary. It's like we were made for one another and have been destined to meet all along. This guy is special, he is different. This isn't some silly crush. I have been happier the three weeks i have known him than i have been in a long time, maybe ever. We compliment each other and i know he feels the same way about me because he has said so directly. This time, the feeling IS mutual. I am very optimistic about this. It has an entirely different feel to this situation than all the ones before. This feels real. This feels like it may be the start of something beautiful.

^ a slightly blurry view of the Seattle skyline from the Space Needle

"I like it when the red water comes out..."

2009-11-01T15:09:00.000-08:00

Drunk Slide

2009-10-30T00:52:00.000-07:00

I love Seattle. Especially during this time of year. The days are getting shorter and the temperature is falling. The sky turns gray, the wind kicks up, the rain starts to fall. I also love the rain. My sleepless nights are less troubling when accompanied by the sound of the rain falling on the roof and the wind whipping the rain drops against my bedroom window. It's about the only time i feel any peace anymore, and eventually i drift off to sleep where my thoughts are turned into dreams. Sometimes those dreams are sad, painful, even terrifying. But most of the time, those dreams are of a life contained only within my mind. When i awake, those dreams almost seem cruel. They offer a brief view of an alternate reality where pure bliss is the norm rather than the exception. A reality where all the love one has to give is met with equal amounts of love given in return. A reality rooted in happiness and joy and being truly content, rather than in strife and misery and pain. And then i wake up. For a moment, the bliss lingers. But it doesn't take long for reality to settle in. It takes every last ounce of strength i have to even pull myself out of bed some days. Some days i don't. Call in sick to work and pull the covers over my head and lay there. Turn off my mobile phone, leave the ringer off on the house phone, computers idle, shut out the world...

As of my last post, i had a date that went seemingly well with "A". I was so excited to see him again! Lucky for me, his trip out of town was canceled and i had a second date with him the tuesday following our first date. This date went even better than the first one did in my opinion. We spent the better part of ten hours together and were never short of anything to say to each other. We had some great conversations, told some funny stories, laughed, had some great times.

This date started much the way the last one did. I picked him up at his apartment (he doesn't have a car at the moment) and we went up to Seattle and had lunch. Some vegetarian Chinese place. It was actually pretty good, despite having no meat in it. The restaurant was close by Capitol Hill so we went and walked around for a while. We wound up stopping at a record store and buying a bunch of cd's and records (yes, the big vinyl ones...i love vinyl). We both love music and share a lot of similar musical interests. After record shopping, we stopped and got some frozen yogurt. We each ordered different things and wound up sharing our dishes of frozen treats. He would feed me a spoonful of his, and i'd feed him a spoonful of mine. Yeah, real cute stuff.

After that, it was off to the mall to catch a movie. We found the theater and finally decided to see Paranormal Activity. I like that kind of stuff, and was hoping to finally see a movie scary enough to make me piss my pants and give me nightmares for a year. We bought our tickets and had about 40 minutes to kill before the movie started. This gave us time to get a snack of pretzels, which were free with the purchase of our movie tickets. We also stopped and bought a soda to share in the movie, since it was about a quarter the price of the soda in the theater. What thrifty little shoppers we are. Anyway, i though the movie was good. It gave me a couple good starts, and was deffo creepy, but didn't leave me scared shitless as i'd hoped it would. "A" on the other hand was totally freaked out by it. I believe his exact word were "how the fuck can you be so calm after that?!". I guess i just don't scare easy.

After the movie, we stopped and bought some cookies to snack on and went back to his place to watch a concert DVD i had bought at the record store. We wound up laying on his bed and watching the concert. When the concert was over, he popped in another movie and we wound up cuddling a bit under the covers (fully clothed of course :P). That was so wonderful to feel the embrace of another human being. I rested my head on his chest, and his arm around me, my arm around him...i could have stayed like that forever. His scent was intoxicating. I can still feel his warmth on my face and hear his heart beat and the sound of his breathing in my ears. At one point, he moved his head towards mine and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. Not some wild, wet make out kiss. But a tender, innocent kiss. A bit later on, i leaned in on him and gave him a little kiss too.

It was too good to last, and after the movie ended, he was getting pretty tired since he worked that morning. It seems that i get a bit awkward when it comes to saying goodbye, especially after such a wonderful day. But awkwardness aside, we hugged and gave each other a mutual kiss goodnight and i was on my way home once again.

Now after that, i was feeling pretty good. Better in fact than i had felt in years. I was glowing. What started as something that was uncertain had turned into a feeling of pure elation. I went into this very open minded, not having any expectations. But it seemed that i was falling for him...hard. He was in my thoughts every moment i was awake and in my dreams. It was incredible. We texted each other on wednesday and thursday. On friday, i sent him a text to tell him how much i enjoyed one of the cd's he recommended to me. While i was in the shower and getting ready for work, he sent a response. "Is it OK if we are just friends?"

Well, FUCK! Instead of texting him back, i decided to just call him. We talked for almost an hour. He insists it is him, that he wouldn't be good in a relationship right now, that he's not ready to settle down just yet. He told me that we have more in common with each other than he has had in common with any other guy he's ever dated. But deep down, i can't help but feel that it was me who drove him away. That i said or did something to set off some sort of alarm in his mind that told him to get out while he still could. Whatever the case might actually be, he obviously doesn't feel anywhere near as strongly for me as i do for him. Once again i find myself feeling quite the fool for having such strong feelings for someone who doesn't return those feelings. For some strange reason, the fact that he doesn't care for me only makes me care even more for him. Seriously...what the FUCK?!

I'm tired and my head hurts...think i'll go lay down for a while...

On the mend.

2009-10-18T01:53:00.000-07:00

Well, i'm feeling a bit better today. Still not 100% though. I slept for 14 hours during the day on thursday, got just about as much sleep on friday, and was in bed before 2:00am saturday morning. Yes, thats early for me. I slept until about noon saturday. I got the whole rest thing down to a science. I would have slept longer, but...

I had to be ready to leave the house by about 1:00pm for my sorta kinda date today. I almost cancelled, but was feeling a lot better when i got out of bed today. Plus the guy i was meeting had left a voice mail and a txt to make sure we were still on. Couldn't well disappoint him now could i?

Now, i say sorta kinda date because we met on a less than high quality web site. But after exchanging two dozen emails, he seemed really sweet and pretty much on the up and up. I also say sorta kinda because neither of were really clear on our intentions. Are we meeting for the sole purpose of being friends, or are we meeting to hopefully kindle some sort of relationship? My hope is that it is the latter, and he said he'd see me again (although i've heard that before and it never happened).

I arrived at his apartment about 15 minutes early to pick him up. He worked that morning and was cleaning his place up when i arrived. He gave me a quick tour of his apartment and we were off. I kind of let him make the call as to what he wanted to do and where he wanted to go. Since he had only recently moved to the area from out of state and had never been to downtown Seattle, we went there to find someplace to have lunch. The drive down was pleasant. We seem to share a lot of common interests and ways of thinking. For example, we both have a very low tolerance for stupidity. :D I found that i wasn't having to make any comments about idiot drivers because he was doing it for me! I am really starting to like him. :)

I'm pretty crap at navigating the streets of Seattle, and so was a bit lost as to where exactly to go. But he didn't seem to mind, so it was all good. We finally came across a mall with parking underground (make sure you have good credit before parking there, coz it's fucking EXPENSIVE!). We made our way back to the street and started walking and came across a cute little Italian cafe. The menu looked good, so we went in and had lunch. The conversation over lunch was just as pleasant and intelligent as it was on the drive down. The more time i spent with him, the more i was really starting to hope that this first encounter would turn into something more.

After lunch, we drove up to Capital Hill, gay central for Seattle. We lucked out and found parking on the street and started walking around and talking and looking in shops. I was just enjoying being with him and talking. It was really nice. So, we come across a shop specializing in mens underwear. Only in the gay district. He wants to go in and have a look. I'm more than happy to oblige, because he is extremely cute and watching him pick out undies sent my imagination into overdrive. He picked out a few pairs of really cute undies, and was trying to decide whether he should get another pair or not. He didn't want to get them because he didn't want to spend the money on them. Well, me being the generous guy i am, i offered to pay for the pair he was considering. He seemed a little surprised, but i insisted. I am wondering if maybe i was a bit over the top with that move. Nothing wrong with being generous, but did i over step my bounds? I guess i was trying to impress him by being so aloof about spending money, but i am wondering in hindsight if that might have been the first nail in the coffin.

So, undies shopping complete, we went to yet another mall and did some more shopping. Somehow during our conversation, we got to talking about what we didn't like about our looks. I said i hated my tummy. No matter how much bike riding i do it's still there. And he said that it didn't really matter to him. A good thing i guess. He said his cheeks were too red and he didn't like his very little tummy, that he wanted chiseled abs. I just said i think both of those features are cute on him, and he blushed a bit and dismissed my comment and said he doesn't like them, to which i said "i like you the way you are". He just replied that he's very critical of himself, and i said i am the same way. I guess no matter how cute or attractive someone might be to me, they will have things they don't like about themselves, even if i think those features are part of what makes them attractive. Funny old world. I think i made it pretty clear that i was into him, not just how he looks, but his personality, his sense of humor, his ideals and morals, by some of the comments i made during our conversation. At one point he said he felt bad because it seemed like the day was all about him and not about me. I just said that being in his company was good enough for me, and that i was having a really good time just talking with him and hanging out, regardless if we went where i wanted to go or not. He just laughed, as if i was bullshitting him and i said sincerely, i liked being with him. Am i being a bit to open about my feelings? I don't want him to think i'm weird and drive him away too. I really want a shot at a relationship with him. Another nail in the coffin?

After about two hours of poking around the mall and riding the escalators we were both pretty tired. Him from getting up at 3:00am for work and me from getting over being sick. We then went back to his place and sat on his bed watching a movie for a while. We did more talking than movie watching, and after a while we were both laying on his bed, but not quite cuddling. I could tell he was getting really sleepy, and he did have to work the next day, although not until the afternoon. I asked if he wanted me to leave so he could go to bed, and he said no, so we continued to watch the movie and talk less as he got more tired. I made some comment about cuddling and he said that would put him to sleep for sure. The good news is he wasn't opposed to the idea. But, on a first "date", and with him being so tired i just decided to say goodnight and let him go to sleep. We made some talk as i was getting my shoes on and preparing to leave, and at this time i was feeling pretty self conscious, and a bit nervous because i had asked him if he would like to get together again sometime and wasn't exactly smooth about it. We hugged goodnight, and i was on my way out the door when i realized i had forgot my car key and wallet on his counter top. I tired to make some more talk, but was already feeling stupid from forgetting my wallet and keys and started rambling a bit, digging myself a little hole. I got a bit flustered and awkward. I even said to him that i was a bit shy and awkward and said how embarrassed i was. He said yeah, he could tell i was a bit shy and awkward, and that only made me more shy and awkward and made me blush a bit. Another couple nails in the coffin. We hugged goodnight and i was on my way home.

Bottom line: I am a social retard. Who knows, maybe he found my shy awkwardness cute or maybe he wants a guy who isn't such a self conscious fucking twit. I sent him a txt when i got home, saying that i had a really good time with him, and that i hope i didn't screw up by being too shy and nervous, and that i hope he sleeps well, goodnight! He didn't respond, but i'm sure thats because he's in bed fast asleep. I hope i didn't fuck this up. Not only is he cute (tall, slender build, dark hair and blue eyes...that eye/hair color combo is so cute!!), but he is an amazing person. He is super sweet, kind hearted, funny, intelligent, hard working, and on and on and on. Ugh...why am i such a retard?!

One last thought...during the course of our conversation, he told me what his favorite movie was. But when we got to his apartment and we were trying to decide what movie to watch, it turns out he doesn't have it on DVD. Would it be over the top if i bought it and gave it to him as a gift the next time we met? I guess only time will tell if i've screwed the pooch once again or if he will forgive my shy, nervous, awkwardness and give me another chance.

One sick puppy...

2009-10-16T01:47:00.000-07:00

Bleh...i'm sick. On my hols no less. I started feeling a bit crap on sunday, and had been overloading on vitamin c and taking Zicam to try and stem the evil tide. But alas, my bodies defenses broke down sometime last night and i woke up feeling horrible. I've got the whole stuffy head, sore throat, headache, sniffles, sneezing, coughing, thing going for me right now. At least it looks like it's just a head cold and not the flu in any of its various and nasty varieties. The absolute worst part of getting sick is that i don't have a loving, caring, cute boy to take care of me while i'm under the weather. Woe is me.

So, i reckon that takes care of what to do while i'm on hols! Stay home and recover. It has given me the opportunity to knock down that giant pile of unwatched DVD's that been accumulating for a while, at least a little bit. I have this bad habit of seeing a DVD at the store (usually Best Buy or Costco) and thinking to myself "that looks good, might as well pick it up". Never mind that there are at least a hundred others just like it sitting on my shelves at home, unwatched, and in some cases unopened. Today i got through Beowulf, Slumdog Millionaire, and Eragon. Beowulf was entertaining, but i thought the computer enhanced life action got a bit tiring. Maybe it's just me in my semi-fevered state getting nit picky. Computer generated graphics are cool, and i absolutely love Anime. But to take live action and try and make it look animated makes no sense to me. It was very artistic and well done, but still...and i'm rambling. Slumdog Millionaire was a brilliant film. This was the first time i'd seen it. Incredible story, great cinematography, well produced. I really enjoyed that movie. Probably one of the best movies i've seen i a while. Eragon was pretty good too. The use of CG made to look real was pretty good. And the guy who plays Eragon (to lazy to look up his name atm) is deffo very cute. Yes, even in my sickened state, my pervy eyes know no rest. Hey, what else have i got to think about?

While i'm home sick, i think i'lll try and watch some of the anime i have bought and never watched. I have at least a dozen full series on DVD that need to be watched. Stuff like "Ergo Proxy", "E'S Otherwise", "Gantz", "Basilisk", "Samurai 7", "JYU-OH-SEI", "Mushi-Shi", and more. I got hooked on anime by watching the stuff played on Adult Swim such as "Neon Genesis Evangelion", "Cowboy Be-bop", "Deathnote", etc. All of them have some really interesting story lines and incredible animation. I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff. Anyway, i do the same thing with anime as i do with movies. I go to the store, browse the selection and buy what looks interesting. I'm waiting for the day that i buy a duplicate series and don't realize it until i've opened the package and go to file it away. No returns on opened merchandise!

Well, sorry for the boring post. I'm bored and lonely, so you all get to suffer my random thoughts and such. Have i mentioned that i'm bored and lonely?

Maybe some music will cheer me up. I have been listening to a lot of stuff in the electronic/dance genre lately. Sirius channel 38 "Area" has been playing in my car for ages now. By far, my favorite DJ to date is Tiesto. It's hard to really get a feel for how good he really is without sitting down and listening to one of his albums from start to finish. They flow like nothing else i have listened to in a long time and begin to take on a life of their own. They start slow and work up to a climax and then slowly let you back down again before finishing strong. Each listen is an adventure that covers a whole range of feelings and emotions and experiences. This track is from his "In Search of Sunrise 7: Asia" album. Wounded Soul...

The Grand Conjuration

2009-10-13T00:17:00.000-07:00

I'm on holiday for the next 10 days. Hooray. I have no plans and nothing to do. It will be nice to get a break from work, but what the hell am i going to do for a week? Stay up late and listen to music and surf porn? I pretty much do that already. Maybe hit Craigslist and find some random hookups since the whole finding a legit bf plan isn't really working? It's a bit late to book a trip anywhere, and arrange for someone to house sit. Hmm...guess i'll just chill at home and sleep all day. How long does pot stay in your system? Maybe i could just veg out and get stoned...just gotta make sure my pee is clean when i go back to work haha.

I went and bought a new car last week. This car is going to be my daily driver. I decided that the new S5 i have on order is too nice to drive everyday and beat up, and run up the mileage. Anyway, when researching cars, i wanted a car that was all wheel drive and comfortable for my two hour round trip commute. I also wanted a great sounding stereo system, as music is the only thing that keeps me from killing other motorists on my drive to and from work. People are stupid to begin with, but put them behind the wheel of a car and they get down right fucking scary. So, it was down to Subaru and Audi for my final choices. The lease on a Subaru worked out to be about $40/ month less than the Audi. So, me being me, i rationalized and said whats an extra $40 a month for an Audi? Short story long, there is a new 2010 Audi A4 in my garage as we speak. It's got the 2.0T engine and Quattro all wheel drive, so it's not near as fast as the S5. But it's got plenty of get up and go for everyday driving. It does have the iPod connector, so all of my music is in the car at all times which rocks. Interestingly, it's the same color as the S5 i have on order. So, i will have twin Audi's when the S5 gets here. Woot. Now i just need to get some roof racks to haul my bike around. Yes, i am a right snob having two brand new Audi's.

^ The new ride in all it's glory

I've been hanging out with my student from work quite a bit lately. Yeah, i know it's kind of a conflict of interest being buddies with my student when his future is dependent on me being a good instructor, but he's the only friend i have who is still single and doesn't have a wife and kids or bitchy girlfriend or boyfriend or partner or whatever. It's nice not being a tag along and actually having someone to talk to who pays attention to you instead of his gf or whatever. Besides which, we share a lot of interests like cars and music and aviation, etc. Plus, he's kind of cute in a geeky sort of way. But he's straight as an arrow. Or so he says...

Opeth are one of my favorite bands. Their music isn't for everyone, as a lot of people are really turned off by the growling vocals. But, if you really listen to the music you will hear just how fucking brilliant they are. Amazing chord progressions and use of odd time signatures create a listening experience that is awe inspiring. The music goes from brutal to mellow and back to brutal several times within a song and each album seems to be better than the last. The Grand Conjuration...

Yippy Skippy

2009-09-29T00:21:00.000-07:00

After much stress and aggravation, i finally got a check in the mail from my insurance company as settlement for my car. I made out pretty good all in all. They paid me almost all of what i paid for my car (the settlement was about $415 light), plus sales tax and licensing fees. Not too shabby. The only problem is that a replacement is going to cost me about $3000 more than my car did. Fuck it, it's only money.

Last tuesday, i met Mikey for lunch (well, he ate before we met, so i made a pig of myself while he watched...lol) and then we went car shopping. We took a test drive in the new Audi S4. It has a brand new 7 speed dual clutch S-tronic transmission with paddle shifters. What a blast that thing is to drive! Instant up and down shifts, power to spare, classy machine. The voice control system could use a little work though...lol. I think Mikey is turning into an Audi-phile like me lol. What can i say, he's got class. :P And we looked really awesome driving around in my other car, a semi-ghetto 1999 Pontiac Trans Am. Don't get me wrong, it's a fun car to drive (goes really fast in a straight line), but it looks very dated. And the windshield is cracked. The only thing we were missing were mullets. lol.

I got the pleasure of inspecting an Audi R8 up close and personal. What a sexy machine! That is what a car should be! On saturday, i had to drive up to Seattle to drop off my deposit check for my new car (more on that in a sec), and the dealer had a "used" R8. I got to sit in this one, start it and revel in the beautiful noises the 4.2 litre V8 made as i revved is a few times. I think i'm in love. I wonder if i could sell some internal organs on the black market to finance the purchase of one of those...

Anywho, i ordered a replacement vehicle for my wrecked S5. What did i order? Yep, another Audi S5. It's slightly different from my old S5. I orderd it in Phantom Black Pearl (the old one was brilliant black) and stainless steel interior trim (old was carbon fiber). Just different enough to be interesting and new again, yet comfortable and familiar. Much to my surprise, the 2010 model year brought some much welcomed improvements in the electronics and navigation systems (my old car was an '09). The nav system is now hard drive based as opposed to DVD-ROM. So, access to info stored on the drive is much quicker than it was on the previous system. It also allowed huge improvements to the mapping on the nav screen. It's now displayed in 3D with terrain and a "flying" view rather than just and overhead plan view. The in dash disc player is a single disc drive instead of the 6 disc changer on the old car, but now plays DVD's on the nav screen when parked. The new car also has built in memory card readers in the dash to allow music to be played and transferred to the cars internal hard drive for music anytime! This is on top of the iPod connection and full control of the device via the new MMI (multi media interface) controller. Instead of just having a rotary knob for making selections on menus, it has a little joy stick built in to the center of the knob now as well. Vastly improved functionality. The last improvement comes in the form of a sport differential as part of the Drive Select option. It's an electronically controlled differential that can be set up to allow more aggressive handling through the twisties. I can't wait to toss this car around a bit...lol. I should almost thank that stupid bitch for running into me! Not really though, as it's still costing me moneys. So, in 3 or 4 months i'll be the proud new papa of an S5.

I think i might be mildly retarded. I have had my new MacBook Pro for almost a month now, and i'm still not used to it's operating system. I guess that windows brainwashing is hard to get rid of. I still love the Mac though! What a beautiful piece of engineering it is. I don't regret spending the money on it. I just need to pull my head out of my ass and figure out how to take advantage of all it's potential.

Are you still reading? Wow! I'm impressed! I mean, i'm bored ffs, and i'm the one typing this fucking blather!

Nothing has changed otherwise. I still haven't met anyone, or heard back from a certain someone. I have spent quite a few hours online reading profiles and composing thoughtful emails to guys i'm interested in on a couple of different dating sites and networking sites, and have had no responses. So, what is wrong with me? I mean, i work with a guy who is both fat and ugly (sorry, but its true) and he met a girl on the same dating site i'm using. This chick could be a model ffs! Not only is she good looking, but she's smart too!! He's got the personality of my toe nail clippings, has got to be close to 375 pounds and has a face only a mother could love and he's hooking hotties online. What the fuck am i doing wrong? Where is my smart cutie?

I have been out of control spending money lately. I have spent more money on clothes in the last six months than i probably have i all of my life previously lol. And music...omg. I placed a $425 order from amazon last week. CD's are piling up everywhere, and the rare vinyl (yep, i still buy vinyl records lol) is stacking up too. Oh, yet another new pair of sunnies...really smexy Ray-Ban aviators. If i had a boyfriend, this money would be spent spoiling him lol.

It's been a month since i've had a drop of alcohol. A close friend at work came to the realization he has a problem with drinking. So, his goal was to dry out for a month and see how things go. I offered to quit drinking for a month right along with him as moral support or whatever. Drinking isn't good for me anyway, and it was difficult at first, but i don't really miss it. I do need it as a social lubricant though lol. It tends to mellow me out and loosen me up a bit. Maybe a little now and then wouldn't hurt. :P

THANK YOU JESUS!!! The rain has returned! I am something of a weirdo...i'm quite insane actually. I like cool, cloudy, rainy weather. well, its cool cloudy and rainy outside right now. Classic Seattle weather. I love it! The warm and sunshine we have had here all summer long was wearing a bit thin with me... I guess i'm a true blue Washingtonian. :P

There you have it boys (and girls?). Yet another long, boring post that no one will read! If you have made it all the way to the end, you win a prize of my choosing! What could it be... Lets end this with a song... Dredg are a band i discovered by pure accident a couple of years ago. This song is from their album "El Cielo". This band is amazing. Stellar musicianship, interesting songwriting and crisp production. Each listen reveals something new. I hope you enjoy it!

Disappointment

2009-09-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

My last post made mention of the cute guy I'd met at the concert and how we'd been texting quite a bit and having some good conversations. Well, it's been almost a week since I've heard from him. The last time I heard anything from him was last Friday. So much for even being friends, let alone the possibility of something more. But, it's par for the course. I meet someone, have some great conversations, get excited about all the possibilities and then somehow manage to drive them away. So, now I'm back to having not even the small joy of talking to someone who at least opened the door of possibility to a relationship deeper than mere friendship. Funny how fragile hope really is...

Uprising

2009-09-18T01:04:00.000-07:00

Hiya! OK, so i just got home from work and i'm tired as hell, but OMG what a fun night! I spent my breaks at work texting the guy i met at the concert. :D We have a lot more in common than just the music we listen to. We both love hiking, bicycling, science, music in general, a bunch of other stuff i'm to tired to think of at the moment lol. He seemed very interested in what i do for a living, and i offered to get him in for a tour and he was really excited about that. :P I learned about him a little bit too, and he seems like a really nice guy. He seems a bit like me in some regards (the good ones mostly, but he seems kind of shy like i am). He's still in college, so he's a bit younger than me. But given that we seem to get a long so well, i don't think that will matter much regardless of where this winds up going. I really enjoyed talking with him, and he seemed to like talking to me too. Our conversations flowed really well. We never seemed to stall on any one subject. In fact, i have been home for almost two hours and we have been texting ever since then (he finally said goodnight a few minutes ago). I'm really trying to keep my hopes from getting to high, as i still have no idea if he's even gay or if he knows or suspects that i am, etc. Deep down though, i really do hope this will turn into something more than just a friendship. But i really feel stupid even entertaining that thought. The reality is that it just isn't likely to happen. I'd only be setting myself up for disappointment by expecting anything more than just a friendship. But even with as little as i actually know about him, i really like him (and not just his good looks lol). I probably sound rather foolish rambling on like this. In any event, he will no doubt be a great friend, as we do have so much in common and have proved we can talk for hours about all sorts of things. It seems funny now how nervous i felt talking to him at the concert. It's interesting how asking one little question about how he managed to get such a good seat has got me as far as this, and with so much more possible in the future. Enough of my blather...

Are you sick of me posting songs yet? Tough shit. Get over it. :D So, concert boy mentioned to me that Muse is his favorite band. Muse is one of my favorite bands too. As a way of having a conversation starter, i bought their new album "The Resistance" Wednesday night (i got to Best Buy five minutes before they closed and got the last copy on their shelves...talk about luck!) and gave it a few listens. I would have bought it eventually anyway, but i had a little extra motivation to do it in a timely fashion. :P OMFG, what an absolutely fucking brilliant album! I have listened to this disc non-stop all day...in the car, on break at work, for the third time since getting home from work...haha. Without further ado, "Uprising"...

Kneel and disconnect...

2009-09-16T02:00:00.000-07:00

Well, i'm just back* from the Porcupine Tree concert in Seattle (by "just back", i mean several hours ago lol). Wow...what an absolutely amazing show Porcupine Tree put on! I'm not talking about grandiose theatrics, glamor and glitter. Instead i'm talking about the absolute pinnacle of musicianship. Not only is Steven Wilson (Porcupine Trees main songwriter and front man) a musical genius, but all the other members of the band are integral to making the band what it is. Each musician has mastered his craft and the net result is a band that plays super tight and are even better live than they are on the best produced studio album you could imagine.

The show was played at The Moore Theater in Seattle. That venue is one of the most amazing places i have ever seen a concert at. I may be off by a year or two, but i believe the place was built in 1907. What a gorgeous piece of architecture. A anyway, i bought my tickets online directly from the band. I just placed an order for two tickets, and never really had a choice as to where i was going to be seated. Lucky for me, it was a reserved seating venue, not general admission. So, imagine my surprise when i pick up my tickets from will call and see "row A" printed on my ticket. Holy shit!!!! Front row seats to see my favorite band play live!!!!!!! How could this night get any better?!

Well, about 10 minutes before the opening act ("That 1 Guy" - fucking incredible, btw...lol) appeared on stage, a super cute guy caught my eye. Well, imagine my luck when he sat 3 seats away from me. Yeah, he is VERY cute! So, it's pretty easy to start up conversations with people at concerts because everyone is there to see one particular band play. Easy icebreaker. The problem is, there are 2 other people between him and me, and talking across them would be awkward at best. So, i keep stealing glances at him trying not to be too conspicuous, wondering how i can start a conversation with him without looking like a complete twat lol.

So, after That 1 Guy played his amazing set (seriously, his music is indescribable...one man making an incredible amount of music, all on a self made instrument that looks like it was pieced together using scraps of pipe from the Home Depot), there was a brief intermission before Porcupine Tree took the stage. Oooh...maybe i can talk to the cutie! But damn the luck, both people in the seats between us stayed put. Oh well...

For the first half of Porcupine Tree's set, they played their new album "The Incident" from start to finish. Steven Wilson described it as a "song suite", meant to be played and listened to as one continuous piece of music. Being parked two feet from a stack of loudspeakers was great! I could feel a concussion wave with each strike of the bass drum and with each bass note and heavy chord played...fucking awesome! And being 10 feet away from the band and being able to see them all play live was pretty cool too. :P

At the end of the first half of the set, the band took a short intermission. As the lights came up, the two guys sitting between me and cutie got up and left. To where, i don't know and really don't care...this was my chance! So, i slid a few feet over and said "hi" very nervously and awkwardly...lol. I felt so stupid. Guys who i am really attracted to intimidate the hell out of me. I got all clammy and sweaty, despite the fact that i'd been rocking out pretty hard the previous hour and didn't sweat then. Note to self...nerves make me sweat. Back to cutie...after my initial and very awkward hello i asked if he'd seen Porcupine Tree live before, to which he replied no, this was his first time seeing them live. I talked about the last show i saw a little bit, and how this venue was way better. I then asked him how long he'd been listening to them and what his fav song and album were etc. The convo was moving along, but i was nervous as hell and was coming up silent a little to often for me to feel comfortable and that only made me more nervous. So, we eventually started talking about other bands we liked and he mentioned a few i'd never heard of, and i mentioned a few he'd never heard of. Then he mentioned Muse, another one of my favorite bands! Just as he mentioned Muse, the lights went down, and Porcupine Tree took the stage to play the second half of their set.

The second half of the set was just as amazing as the first, and contained a lot of really good songs from their back catalog of material. Again, i really can't stress enough how amazing this band is live! Every song they played had a life of its own, full of power and emotion. And just the sheer difficulty of some of the songs they played inspired awe as they were performed flawlessly. Did i mention this was the opening night of their US tour, and was the first time the band had played any material from the new record, let alone the entire thing? It was pretty cool to be a part of the first audience to hear a new album played live.

After the encore, which was cut short due to some bullshit noise ordinance in Seattle, the lights cam up and i turned to cutie and resumed our convo where we left off. I said, "so Muse is your favorite band eh?". His eyes lit up and he told me they had a new album out as well (which i'd read about, but almost forgot about until he mentioned it). I asked him how it was in comparison to their older material, and he asked what albums i liked best, and i told him in order the ones i liked best. He smiled and said he liked their albums in the same order i liked them. :D Coincidence? lolz. So he described the new record a bit and how it fit in the line up. So, he started to make for the aisle and was saying it was good to talk to me, etc, when i said "I should give you my number so we can talk music!". "Yeah! That would be cool!". So, i introduced myself proper and so did he and we exchanged mobile numbers. :P

Now, i have no idea if he is even gay or not, and i'm not quite sure if he knows i'm gay (probably not, as i look and act pretty straight, although lately i have been dressing a bit more metro lol). But still, i was able to strike up a convo AND get the phone number from a cute guy! Granted, i cheated and used the concert as a conversation starter, but who really cares? I got his number lol! So, if nothing else, i made a new friend. I'm not holding my breath, because he was younger than me, and even if he is gay, probably wouldn't be interested in me in "that way". But i'll take what i can get. A new friend will be nice, and a cute one at that. :p Maybe it's better i went to the show alone. If i'd gone with someone, who knows if i'd have had the opportunity to talk to him, or if whoever i went with would have got to talk to him instead of me...

After that, things went to shit...lol. I parked 8 blocks from the theater to avoid the traffic mess on the streets closer in. I even parked for free, since i got there after 6pm...lucky me! But, as i was driving to the freeway, i got about 1/3 of the way there when traffic stopped. Dead fucking stopped. Gridlocked at 11:15pm on a Tuesday night ffs. It took me 45 fucking minutes to drive the mile to the freeway on ramp. WTF!?! I was about to have a serious road rage episode...lol. No reason for it, no construction, not really anything going on to warrant that level of gridlock hellishness. But i maintained an even strain, thinking of the cute guy who i got to talk to and whose number now resides in my mobile phone...lolz.

On the car front, the insurance rep i'd been dealing with rang me up today and told me she had fought long and hard with the home office, and finally got them to agree to pay me almost what i'd paid for my car, plus sales taxes (9.3% in my county) and licenses and registration fees. All told, i'm getting $415 less for my car than what i paid for it. Plus, the service and maintenance plans and the GAP coverage i bought are all refundable pro-rated to the date of loss. All in all, not too bad. Now to nail the bitch who hit me to the fucking wall with the bodily injury/pain and suffering suit. I want to see her living in a cardboard box under the interstate... *laughs evilly* She picked the wrong guy to run into. -_-

Once again, i shall end my post with a song. This is a cut from Porcupine Tree's newest album "The Incident" called "Time Flies". Pretty good tune, and the videography is pretty interesting too. So, does anyone actually watch/listen to these songs?

The Incident

2009-09-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

So, yay, Porcupine Tree have a new album out titled "The Incident". I got my download copy this morning, and my physical copy came in the post this afternoon. What a great band. Porcupine Tree also open the US leg of their tour in Seattle tomorrow night, and i've got two tickets to the show. Porcupine Tree are one of those bands that are just as incredible live as they are in the studio, maybe even more so. The last time i saw them play was a couple years ago, and they were brilliant. The problem is, i bought two tickets thinking i'd have someone to go with when the show came around. Well, i've got no one to go with lol. Bummer. See what happens when i try being optimistic? I get the shaft lol. I buy two tickets hoping i'd meet someone to take to the concert with me and i still wind up going alone. So the next time anyone accuses me of being pessimistic, try to remember that from my perspective i'm simply being realistic.

I'm still playing games with the insurance companies about the value of my car. I hope they get off their fucking asses soon, because its coming up on payment time and i'd hate to make another payment on a car that's wrecked. Plus, my second car is falling apart around me...windows don't roll up, t-top roof leaks, half the stereo speakers are blown out, gears are making a funny noise. Its a mess. And it almost left me stranded once. It can't be trusted any longer. I need a new car.

I got to talk to my dream guy for a while on friday. God, is he amazing. Too bad he's so straight and in love with his girlfriend! Every time i think i am getting over how i feel for him, all it takes is to just pass him in the hallway at work for me to turn into a love sick fool. It's such a mix of emotions. He makes me feel happier than anyone i have ever known. Yet at the same time, i feel more sad and alone than ever because i know i will never be with him. Very strange indeed...

So, here's another song for you all to enjoy (or not). The Pineapple Thief are yet another absolutely brilliant band that will probably never get the recognition they deserve. This song is from their most recent album "Tightly Unwound" and really strikes s a nerve with me...not just musically, but lyrically as well. Such an emotional piece of music. Then again, what do i know...

A step in the right direction.

2009-09-08T18:55:00.000-07:00

Yay!!!! My first post using my new 17" MacBook Pro!!!! What a sexy machine. It'll take some getting used to (removing all the windows based brain-washing i've had shoved down my throat over the years), but already i love this machine. The only thing i upgraded was the hard drive. I went with the 7200 rpm drive over the standard 5400 rpm drive. I was thinking about upgrading the processor, but $300 for a 3.06Ghz processor over the standard 2.8Ghz one seemed a bit absurd.

Anyway, last friday i got a bit of good news. The insurance company has decided to total my car. That means i wont be getting my mushed up machine pieced back together and handed back to me. I get to go buy a new one, once the insurance pays out of course. I still won't recover all my losses, as all i get is fair market value, not replacement value. I have to eat sales taxes, cash down payments, etc. So, that sucks, but its better than getting a crap car back from the shop after its been "repaired".

So, like i said, i get to buy a new car now. As of this moment, a new S5 will take anywhere from 3 to 6 months to order. Most of the cars in the pipeline are already spoken for. Much less, they may not be optioned the way i want them or be the right color. Which leads me to... What color should i get? The one that got trashed was Brilliant Black. I like black cars, but was tossing around the idea of Phantom Black Pearl Effect. It's still black, but has color changing properties in different light conditions. Pretty cool. Or, maybe custom order a color. I have been thinking about maybe Daytona Grey Pearl, or Lava Grey Pearl. I'm really leaning towards Phantom Black Pearl. Maybe i'll do a poll, let you help me decide. :p

On to business once again... I meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to discuss options for recovering the losses that insurance won't cover. And to see what i can expect from the bodily injury/pain and suffering claim. My neck and lower back are a bit out of whack after the accident, and i've been to a doctor and chiropractor several times already now. Massage therapy seems to help a lot, and i slept better after that than i have in years.

I'll finish this post with a song that i have really been listening to a lot lately. "Gardens" by Heavens. Good stuff. The whole CD is pretty good, but this track is my fav by far. Enjoy!

Emasculated

2009-08-29T03:52:00.000-07:00

First of all, it is possible to have a strong emotional attachment to an inanimate object. It's not weird or foolish or materialistic. Sometimes something will just have an effect on a person. Not love, as love is only felt between people. But there is emotion of some sort involved. That said...

If ever there was a shit week, this was it. Just when you think things can't possibly suck anymore than they already do, life grabs you by the balls and not only squeezes them as hard as it can but gives 'em a little twist for good measure.

So as you most likely read in my previous post, i had my first date last week. It was the greatest day of my life. That came to a rather odd conclusion when the guy who was seemingly into me as much as i was into him stopped calling/texting/im'ing/emailing and stopped responding to all such forms of communication. WTF?! OK, he changed his mind and flaked out on me. Whatever, at least i was happy for a brief moment.

So, i mentioned a little about another guy i had been talking to via text for a couple of weeks. We met on a dating site, and he actually gave me his number and said lets talk/text. Cool! A seemingly great guy, good job, stable, great sense of humor, likes a lot of the same music/movies i do. This could turn out well. So, on Tuesday morning really early, we were texting and an opportunity arose to see if he was interested in going out on a date. Now, i had been trying to keep my excitement in check all the while i was talking to him because as life has taught me, if you get excited, whatever you are getting excited about will be snatched away from you. Fatal mistake: i let myself get a little bit excited about him. So what happens when i ask him if he'd be interested in going out you ask? And i quote "Well, to be 100% honest, there's a boy back in the city i've been trying to get together with all summer and haven't been able to because of my travel schedule and his travel schedule". Oh, wonderful, well good for you, i said as my soul was deflated once more.

That brings us to yesterday, Friday August 28, 2009. I slept for shit once again, but forced myself out of bed on time. I had a little breakfast, checked my email, took a shower and left for work around 12:45 pm, actually on time for a change! Cool! I'll have time to go out of my way a bit and swing by my favorite coffee stand instead of getting crap coffee and shit service from the Starbucks that's right on my way to work. Seemed like a nice little treat to help the day move along. So much for that fucking plan...

As i'm driving along minding my own business, i see brake lights ahead and a long line of cars waiting behind a traffic light. WTF?! This is odd, not usually this much traffic. Oh, i see...there's a state trooper on the shoulder with his lights on. Stupid fucking people are looking at the shiny object on the side of the road. So, i stop my car and am wondering why things still aren't moving now that the traffic light is green and the trooper is behind us. I take a glance in my rear view mirror just in time to see a massive white object bearing down on me. I had enough time to think "fuck, that's going awfully fuckin fast" and utter the first sixteenth of a syllable of "oh shit" as the fucking drooler piloting the giant sport utility vehicle slams into the back of my car going close to 40 mph. The force of the impact slams me back into my seat, and i rebound forward into the seat belt and back into the seat again a couple of times, and pushes my car into the car in front of me, and that car into the one in front of him, and that car into the one in front of him. Now i'm fucking PISSED. Once i get my bearings, i get out of my car and scream at the the dizzy bitch sitting in her now deployed airbag at the top of my lungs "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY CAR YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!!!!". Her reply, "i didn't mean to"... Well, fuck you. Fuck you very much. It's about this time that the statie asks me to return to whats left of my vehicle.

I spend the next 45 minutes filling out incident reports, arranging for a ride home, calling work to tell them i won't be coming in today, and contemplating the complete cluster fuck that is my life. So, it's not enough that i was closeted for 2o years, that i live a lonely and unhappy existence, that i can't get a date, and when i do the guy never wants to see me again, or that i get a ray of hope in the form of a guy who gave me his number to call and text him and hopefully date and then have my hopes crushed when he tells me there's no chance for a date. Nope, that's not enough. I know, take his car! He loves that car...that'll push him over the edge if you take his car. Fuck you.

So here's the deal. The car is pretty well fucked. If it's not a total loss, it's damn close. The only body panels that are untouched are the doors. The hood, both front quarter panels and front bumper and grill? Check. Roof panel? Check. Rear quarter panels, trunk lid, and bumper? Check, check and check. Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK!!!!! The tow truck driver asked if i had the tow ring that screws into the front bumper and i'm like it's in the trunk tool kit under the spare. He goes to look and says, "have you looked in the trunk?" "No", i say, "why?". "Just come have a look." So, the trunk had to be pried open, and the spare tire well was squished as such to trap the spare tire and make getting at the tool kit under it impossible. Cargo tie downs that are attached to the frame are maybe eight inches forward of their original positions and about six inches lower. There is major rear frame damage and god know whats hidden away lurking in dark corners.

So, if the insureance assholes say "yeah, it's repairable" i'm fucked. Then i'll be stuck with a car that will never be the same again. It'll be full of odd rattles and squeaks and odd smells and will drive funny and will have goofy electrical problems for the rest of its days. The fucking factory puts those cars together in a certain order for a fucking reason, everything needs to fit correctly. Once its smashed to bits and put together again Frankenstein style, nothing is the way it was, i don't give a good goddamn how great the repair shop is. The car will have recorded damage history and will make resale value turn to dog shit. No one wants to buy a car that's been near totaled and patched together again. So i'm stuck with it...a rattle trap that i couldn't sell in exchange for fly shit AND a huge ass monthly payment for the next 5 and a half years.

Now, if by chance it's totaled out, i'm equally fucked but in a slightly different way. Then the insurance will cut me a check for market value of the car, not replacement value. That means, i will get a check that probably won't cover the loan balance. No worries tho, i've got gap protection. But there's still the matter of the ginormous cash down payment i made on the car to cover shit like extended warranties, gap coverage, sales tax, the loss i took on my trade in, etc. What about that loss? Tough shit. So basically, i am fucked raw, dry and hard either way it goes. One way or another, some stupid, inattentive cunt has caused me grief and cost me money. And what does she lose? Maybe $500 for her insurance deductible? A ticket for inattentive driving? What a crock of shit.

And before anyone says "It's just a car. Don't stress about it". NO. It's NOT just a fucking car. That car was the representation of a lifetime of hard work, a symbol of what i've achieved. Plus, it made me look good, got heaps of looks from cute boys. Most importantly, it made me happy. I was happy driving it, happy looking at it, made the days when i really didn't want to go to work seem worth while. I don't normally wish bad things upon people, but i've been sending out some especially hateful vibes in the direction of the dingbat who was too busy doing something OTHER than paying attention to the road while driving.

^ My baby, barely a week old.

First date

2009-08-25T06:16:00.000-07:00

So, here i am, still alive and kicking after all this time. Thought i'd check in and say hi since i've been hearing from very reliable sources that people were starting to wonder what happened to me. Basically, things have been pretty droll. I called in sick to work three days last week because i haven't been sleeping to well recently and have actually been pretty depressed again. I can't even begin to describe the feelings i've been having. All the stress of coming out is gone. Like i said in a previous post, i now know that coming out is the easy part. At least for me it was because i'm severely handicapped in other areas of my life that make finding happiness post coming out rather difficult.

Like my age. Yeah yeah yeah...i keep hearing that 33 isn't that old. Well, i call bullshit. When the vast majority of gay singles are in their mid 20's, 33 is right fucking old. And personally, i want to meet a guy who is as inexperienced with being gay as i am (yeah, from a sexual point of view as well). Yup, still a gay virgin. Let me tell you, it fucking sucks! I have been wanking over cute guys since i was 14, but have never done the deed. At this rate, it looks like i never will...lol.

Another handicap is my work hours/days off. My work week runs Thursday thru Monday. I work friday night and have to be to work at 5:30am on Sunday morning, so Saturday night is pretty much a total loss. So, that leaves Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. Not a whole helluva lot happening anywhere on those nights. Oh sure, a shitty taco night here or extended happy hour there. But no one else is out doing anything because they all work normal days and hours.

My "friends" are pretty much useless for anything but blowing sunshine up my ass about "you'll find someone" or "you're not too old" or "there's nothing wrong with you, you're a great guy! the reason no one messages you or you haven't met anyone is because you're just looking in the wrong places." or my my favorite "at least your finding out who isn't right for you". So, the people i work with are kind of like a little family i guess. But, they all have real families. I am the only single guy on my crew. Everyone else has wives and girlfriends and kids. So, the wives and girlfriends won't let their men go out with the crew homo to give him a little moral support when trying to check out a gay bar or two. Or the ones who do, want to haul their wives with them...yeah, real fun. So, basically you're going to keep your wife/girlfriend entertained all night long making me look like a fool sitting there by myself and feeling out of place. I love being the fifth wheel.

The crux of the matter is i have no one to go out with, no one who knows anybody to introduce me to, nobody to set me up and nobody to offer and real, actual helpful advice as to how to meet people locally or even where to go to meet people. With the exception of various clothing stores in the mall, where there seems to be an abundance of very cute, very gay guys working (all of whom would tell you i'm way to fucking old to go out with them), and the possible gay pizza boy, i have no idea where to go. Yeah, a fucking gay bar, i know. Again, the gay clubs are an hour and 2o minutes from my home and that's a long way away when you are driving home mostly drunk. Yes, i know i don't have to drink, but if i'm gonna be anywhere near social, i need booze. So, this post has pretty much just been me whining, hasn't it? and has nothing to do with a first date does it? Read on...

So, yeah, being out is heaps of fun. Nobody gives a shit i'm gay. I wish i had come to that realization 20 years ago so i wouldn't have wasted my fucking life away being alone and miserable. I know, i can't change the past so just let it go, right? Well, let me tell you something...carrying all the shit i've been carrying for all these years isn't something one can just "let go" of. All the "what ifs" just kill me. I missed out on innocent teenage sexual experimentation, dating, falling in love, and just being a normal, happy kid. Now all the guys who are at my level of sexual experience are way younger than me (and yes, i'm talking LEGAL ages here). So, it looks like i will have a teacher (if i can ever find someone) rather than someone to mutually explore my sexuality with. That may not seem like much, but i feel like i gypped myself out of so much. And now something like innocent fun will be more like getting training in the use of a new appliance than having fun.

Moving along, i want a motorcycle. Bad. But not just any motorcycle. A fast motorcycle. A ballsy motorcycle. An Italian motorcycle. A Ducati Streetfighter S (make mine black please). Yes boys and girls, it's a penis substitute, in a manner of speaking. Some guys (mainly sister-fucking rednecks) buy the biggest, tallest, stinkiest diesel powered Ford pick-up truck they can find because their dicks are only 2" fully erect. I need my fix in the form of high speeds and danger. Flying small aircraft, doing 140 mph in my hot rod European sports coupe on public highways, and 200 mph motorcycles. But make no mistake...my penis is both adequately sized and fully functioning. It simply doesn't see much action...lol. Hence, i want to go faster and do it more dangerously that ever before. "Those things are dangerous" a friend of mine keeps telling me. Yup. They most certainly are. But they are fast as hell, and give ya one hell of an adrenaline rush. "You'll kill youself on one of those". That's a distinct possibility, but if i do it will happen so fast i won't have time to reflect upon the situation. So in the meantime, it will be a nice little distraction to not getting laid.

"Finally! I thought he'd never shut the fuck up about the motorcycle or his shitty sex life!!!" Ok, so i had a date last week. I met him on a dating site. We had been talking online and texting for a couple weeks and finally agreed to meet for a date. So, i took him to a nice seafood place down on the water front (he told me seafood was his favorite food). On the drive to the restaurant, we had some great conversations, just like we'd had online and in texts. I was worried it would be awkward and we'd not have anything to say, but it was very relaxed and natural. Dinner was much the same. We had very few silences and the ones that we did have weren't awkward, fidgety silences. It was like we were completely at ease with each other and had known each other for years. Dinner was fabulous, and we both ate way too much good food. So, after dinner we walked off some of our food with a nice stroll along the waterfront, again accompanied by great convo and mutual appreciation of each others company. After our walk and enjoying the sunset, back to the car to head off to a movie. I got us only slightly lost trying to find the freeway, but we were having fun listening to music and talking and just being there in the moment. Went and saw a movie and went back to the car and started talking for a while. Finally our eyes locked and i said to him "You are really cute, you know that?". He gives me a look, half playful, half serious, and said "I'm not cute dammit!". So, i say "fine, you're hideous, but i like you anyway." At this point, he leans over and gives me a kiss. :D Wow!!! My first real kiss with a guy and boy did that feel good! It felt so natural and wonderful i don't have the words to describe it. So, fast forward an hour and a half to when we are about to part ways, we kiss goodnight and hug, and promise to see each other again...

And that's where the fairy tale ends. I wait a couple days to send him a text and ask how he's doing. No reply. I wait another day or so, and call him and leave a voice mail. Still no reply. I text him again a day later and get a short two word reply to my text and haven't heard from him since despite several other texts to him that would require a response from him. WTF?! My god, we got along really well online, great convos, and the date went really well, and HE kissed me! So what the hell did i do wrong? Needless to say, i'm really really disappointed and pretty sad given how promising things looked. I think i'm cursed for sure. I guess it was a fluke, proof that even a blind, old squirrel will sometimes find a nut.

On another front, i met another guy online that i have been texting for about a week. Again, we have a lot in common (including a love of fast cars :P) and have been having a lot of great text convos. He is out of town on business and we have been texting everyday for the last week. :) So, things are looking promising, but i'm trying not to get too excited or seem too eager. In fact, he hasn't said anything about what he wants (friendship only or possibly leading to a LTR, or whatever else). We really seem to click. His sense of humor is pretty much on par with mine (sick, twisted, and a bit morbid...lol). I don't know where it will lead, but i'm hoping for the best.

Are you still reading? Wow!!! I'm impressed!!! If you made it all the way to the bottom of the post, you get a little something extra. A coupon redeemable for one free hug from yours truly. *coupon has no expiration date, and must be redeemed in person. coupon has no cash value*

If anything interesting happens, i'll be in touch. For now, i've been awake for 36 hours (caught a short nap yesterday tho) and i need some sleep.

Laterz...

finally...

2009-07-20T22:57:00.000-07:00

I'm finally out to my mom. I set up a dinner date with her, saying i wanted to take her to dinner in return for her house sitting for me while i was on holiday. Also, i needed to install a new lock set on the front door of her apartment. So, i went over and put in the new locks, and told her i had something to talk to her about and that she may want to sit down. Of course, she doesn't sit down. She just says "what is it?". "Do you want to know why i've been so unhappy and miserable most of my life?" i ask. "What is it?" she says again. So, i tell her. She gives me a long blank stare..."is that it?". Really? What do you mean is that it? "My God, i thought you were going to tell me you had cancer or were dying or something". So i tell her how lonely i've been and still am, how much regret i carry over what i've missed out on, how hard it was to carry that secret, how scared i was of someone finding out. We talked, i cried. She seems to have taken it really well.

So, now all the most important people in my life know i'm gay. All of them still love me, and are there for me and only want me to be happy.

Calling in sick.

2009-07-18T02:15:00.000-07:00

So, it's 2:15am and i've just called in sick to work for my shift (later) this morning. I just can't seem to think clearly. I've got way too much on my mind. I can't sleep. The Venture Brothers was on a while ago. It was an episode i've seen ten times already, but i still found it funny. Robot Chicken isn't nearly as funny as it used to be. And what the hell ever happened to Celebrity Deathmatch? This post has become way too random and my head hurts. I think about way too much way too often. I wish my brain had an off switch.

Pics and an update

2009-07-16T13:28:00.000-07:00

Last week i came out to four more people. All of them, like all the ones i told before them, were 100% accepting and supportive. One of my friends at work said "well that explains the hair" when i told him. lol. I was actually a bit worried about telling him because he would tease another co-worker about being gay (even though he isn't). I gave it some thought, and came to the realisation he makes fun of everyone, so we are all targets of opportunity for his jokes, including himself. So in the end, it turned out ok, and he still came over for dinner on Monday as we had planned before i told him.

Sunday morning at 4:45am as i was backing out of the garage and leaving for work, i pushed the button to close the garage door, watched it close as i always do to makes sure it goes all the way down, and was a little surprised to see it stop 3/4 of the way down and then go back up. WTF?! OK, something fell in front of the sensor. Get out of the car, go check it out. Nope, sensors are clear. Fuck. Fart around with it for 15 minutes and i can get it to open and close with the manual motor advance button on the garage door opener itself, but not with the controls. So, find my tools to re-atach the manual latches so i can lock the door while i'm away and head for work (now late...whoo-hoo). When i get home, i decide to try to figure it out even though i should be in bed because i need to be back to work in six and a half hours. Well, short story long, I took the thing apart and was checking for loose electrical connections (i found one before when it was acting up and re-soldered the joint and it's worked fine until now) when i found the power transformer and accidentally shorted it out. ZZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPP!!!! One brilliant shower of sparks later, my electrical tester is welded to the circuit board and the garage door opener is dead for sure...lol. Oops...

Yesterday, i went to Mt. Rainier for a little biking/hiking. The bike ride portion was five miles up hill from the park entrance to the trail head, and then back down later (which was a flippin' blast!). The hike was eight miles round trip up to the terminus of Carbon Glacier, the lowest glacier on Mt. Rainier. I didn't bring sunscreen, so i'm a bit crispy today. Well, enjoy the pics!

^ Park entrance.

^ My chariot! lolz

^ Mt. Rainier.

^ Mt. Rainier and the Carbon River.

^ Small waterfalls on the trail.

^ Suspension bridge across the Carbon River

^ View of the Carbon River and Glacier from the bridge.

^ Carbon River valley looking downstream from the head waters.

^ Carbon Glacier and the headwaters of the Carbon River with Mt. Rainier in the background.

"You stole the fizzy lifting drinks!!!!"

2009-07-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

I have always been a fan of Willy Wonka. I especially liked "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" with Johnny Depp (great actor, and easy on the eyes as well). I thought his portrayal of Wonka was a bit more edgy and dark than that of Gene Wilder in the original film. That said, Christopher Lloyd (also an amazing actor) takes it one step further here...

Gobstopper Trailer from Gobstopper Movie

Tag, i'm it...Where i blog from.

2009-07-07T00:33:00.000-07:00

Both Steve and Jeremy have tagged me! This little blogging game was the idea of Tyler at Thoughts of a Gay Boy in Highschool. The rules can be found here.

Above is my upstairs office. As you can see, i am a fan of organized chaos. It looks like a fucking mess (and its is), but it's a mess that has structure...lol. If i were to "clean", i wouldn't be able to find anything at all and would spend a lot of time coming up with new swear words. I hate my desk, and desperately want to re-decorate my office.

Here is where i spend most of my free time when i'm at home...on my couch in my living room. That's my cheapo laptop (it's hard drive is FULL of porn...lol). My most prized possessions are in this room...my stereo system (and related components) and my CD and record collection. I usually have my stereo cranked up when i'm online blogging or chatting on MSN and the TV is tuned in to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim (i watch it on mute and read the closed captions). Multi-tasking is fun...

Lets not forget my handy dandy iPhone. I use this to blog from work (when i'm on break, of course). It's also very useful for reading blogs and checking emails, and last but not least, browsing cute boy pics on the go. :p

So there ya go. A little peek into the world of Deadwing. Now...who to tag... I'm sure by this point, there will be some people who have been tagged already. So, forgive me if you've been tagged already.

Tag, you're it...

-Jonathan: Gentleman's Romance
-Matt: I've Got Rythym and It ain't always music.
-x! : Dawn to Dusk
-Steevo: steevo in cali
-James: Just Me

Really? Why?

2009-07-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but I have been listening to a lot of electronic/trance/dance music lately. I finally renewed my subscription to Sirius satellite radio, and have had one of their three electronic/dance channels tuned in continuously. Tiesto is my favorite at the moment, and I have been buying his and others cd's like they are going out of style. The production is superb. The beats are infectious. Too bad I can't fucking dance.

When my sister called me yesterday to tell me she's coming for a visit next month and has tickets for both a baseball game and a concert and wanted to know if I'm interested in going with her to those events, she had no idea what I was about to hit her with. After we talked for about 15 minutes, I told her I had something I wanted to talk to her about. Something that needed to be kept secret. I made her promise to keep quiet until I said it was ok to talk and she said "are you going to tell me you're gay?". Bingo. "Really? Why?" Needless to say, she was a bit shocked. We talked for a while longer, and I told her everything. She is like everyone else I've told so far...100% accepting and supportive. She also seems to think that things will go better with my mom than I expect they will. But, I'm still nervous about telling her. The time to talk to my mom is rapidly approaching however.

One of my friends at work actually approached me yesterday and asked if I had something I wanted to tell him. Well, as a matter of fact I do. He was literally next on my list if people to tell and he heard the rumors from someone who has been retired for almost a year. What the fuck?! Goddamn rumor mill! So, I told him and we talked and once again, people are surprising me by how accepting and supportive they are. It turns out his sister is gay. I am out to my entire crew now and more people are finding out everyday. But, still no one seems to be able or willing to hit the town with me or help me network.

Ok, I need to get back to work. Anyone know where I can find a boyfriend? Now accepting applications...apply within...lol

Out of control.

2009-06-26T01:57:00.000-07:00

First off, huge apologies to everyone. I have been pretty busy as of late, and haven't been keeping up with the blogs as much as i should. I try to read them when i can, but haven't been commenting lately... So, i hope i haven't pissed anyone off.

Anyway, shit has spiraled out of control over here in my little corner of the world. I received a text from Adam last friday telling me that he had just received a text from another co-worker asking him if he knew i was gay. What the fuck?! Someone outed me! So, back up one more step to last Thursday when i came out to another of my co-workers (another lesbian). She and some of the (straight) guys i work with are friends. Apparently, she got a little loose lipped after drinking too much and started blabbing about me to everyone who was present. I still don't have a full picture of how out of control things are, but it is definitely no longer contained and in my hands. So, as a damage control measure, i came out to some more of the people i am closest to at work so they could hear it from me and not the rumor mill. At least half a dozen others are asking questions and so on. Jesus...it's like i'm in fucking junior high again with all the whispering and rumors.

Fuck. So much for doing this my way and in my own time. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, but fuck... The upside is that of those i have told personally, most were a bit shocked but otherwise very accepting and supportive. So, if i wasn't before, i reckon i am officially out. At this point, i really don't give a shit who knows or not. I do have mixed emotions about the talk behind my back. On the one hand, i can see that maybe they are just respecting my privacy (or more than likely wanting to save their asses from some discrimination action). But really, if they want to know, why beat around the bush? Just fucking ask me.

In other news, i bought a bunch of new clothes while i was on holiday. Picked up a bunch of shirts and pants from Express (using my brothers employee discount...saved heaps of moneys). I gotta say, i look pretty fuckin sharp. lol. Had some blonde highlights put in my hair, so that's looking even gayer than before as well. :p Overall, i have lost about 60 pounds since i started my weight loss crusade. If i could lose another 50 or 60 pounds, i'd be on target.

I went to Milwaukee's pride fest with my brother while i was on hols. Quite a bit of fun, and eye candy galore! But, it did nothing to convince me that i'm not too old for this shit. Most of the guys i saw were in their early to mid twenties. OK, i admit those are the guys i am most attracted to. But something tells me that they aren't as into me as i am them. I feel way too old to be trying to play catch up and have some fun and eventually get into a stable, long term relationship. Oh yeah, i turned 33 last week. I'm now in my mid 30's. Yeah, i'm deffo the old man trying to play a young mans game.

I'm still having no luck trying to talk to CPB. Every time i go in, he is either not there or is busy doing some other work and i don't get seated at his table. I've now asked for his section twice, and have twice been told he isn't serving or whatever. So, i think i may have crossed into creepy stalker territory. lol. In any event, i'm getting well frustrated with the whole situation. Either fate is conspiring against me or it's saving me from some mass humiliation. So, two different outlooks on that whole thing. One, persistence pays off. Keep going in and eventually the odds will fall to my favor and i will get to talk to him, and maybe even get a date (leading to a relationship if i'm a really good boy). Two, i am obsessed with him and should just forget about him and move on. If it were meant to happen, it would have...nothing should take that much effort. The problem with that is, move on where? I still have no leads or connections or prospects for meeting new people. And you can see how well trying to meet people in normal everyday circumstances is working out. lol. I know, i've done a lot in the past few months and shouldn't rush things. But time is running out, folks. I ain't getting any younger or prettier.

So, thanks to everyone for your thoughts, comments and emails. It really means a lot to me. I owe each and every one of you my gratitude. I don't think i'd be where i am if not for your help, advice, support, and friendship. You have witnessed something extraordinary...my transformation from a boring, single, lonely and closeted gay man to a boring, single, lonely and OUT gay man. LOL! WTF...

BTW...the new Dredg album "The Pariah, the Parrot, the Delusion" is absolutely fucking brilliant. I have been alternating between listening to that and Tiësto's "In Search of Sunrise, Vol. 7: Asia", also fucking brilliant. Yeah, my neighbors hate me coz i've been playing that stuff at top volume at like 3 am... But fuck them anyway... Bwahahahaha!!!!!

Out.

2009-06-16T00:23:00.000-07:00

It's been a week now since i cam out to my dad. I am still trying to process exactly how i feel. I certainly feel relieved that he is so accepting of me and loves me just as he did before. Same goes for my little brother. He was actually happy for me that i am coming out. He told me he was near tears when i told him. My dad and brother are 100% in my corner, and both of them have said they will do anything they can to support me and help me out in any way they can. That feeling is indescribable. Knowing that they are there for me no matter what is just so amazing. Unconditional love. I also told my step-mother (who would have found out from my dad eventually) and my brothers fiance. Both of them are also completely and unconditionally accepting. In the process of meeting my brothers co-workers (many of whom are very cute, single gay guys) and my future sister in-law's co-workers i am now out to more people than ever. I'm out!

So far, all of the family i have told are accepting and have said that they just want me to be happy. The more i talked to my dad and brother, the more i am convinced my sister will say the same thing...that she only wants to see me happy. I am going to call my favorite aunt (on my dads side of the family) and tell her this week sometime, and my sister will soon follow. The plan is to have my closest family in the know and in my corner so my mom will be the only one not being supportive and accepting should she freak out. That will make her look like the fool for not accepting me for who i am regardless of her crazy little religious beliefs. But you know, the more i think about it and the more people who know i'm gay and still love me, the less i care about how my mom will react. She is my mom, and i will love her always. But if she can't love and accept me for who i am when who i am is out of my control and was determined before i was born, or shortly thereafter, well it really is her loss. The fact that my dad and brother still love me and care proves that it will be her loss.

So, it's really very liberating being out. But it carries with it an unexpected side effect. All the regret i've been carrying about opportunities missed and my wasted, pissed away youth have been amplified now by knowing that i could have come out when i was 15 and still been loved. Knowing that i could have been out and proud and living life and having fun when i was 15 and through my high school years instead of hiding in the closet and being alone is agonizing. Knowing that i didn't have to miss out on having boyfriends and meaningful, loving relationships and everything else i missed out on through my 20's really weighs on me heavily. Before, it was merely a suspicion that my youth was a waste. Now it is a cold, hard fact. That i have caused myself so much pain and grief is almost unforgivable.

As a result, my social development, as far as relationships and dating goes, is stunted at age 15. That is extremely hard to deal with when turning 33 is only days away. Like Gauss Jordan said in his comment on my "Out to my Dad" post, my gay age is 16 ffs. Now, i know i'm not the only guy in my position, but that is of little comfort. I am doing things and experiencing things i should have been doing when i was in 10th grade ffs! I mean, it's hard enough for me to meet new friends, and especially trying to find a partner. There simply isn't the time or opportunity for the social encounters that were available to me in high school. So, for me to date people who are at the same level of social development as me, i would need to date high school guys. Now there's a sure fire way to land myself a nice felony record and a trip to jail.

Now that i am out, i am able to more freely be myself. It felt really strange talking to my dad and brother about Eric and CPB, and about how i should go about trying to meet a partner. My brother and i and his fiance went to Milwaukee's pride fest when i was out visiting them. Here again, to be able to freely express an interest in guy guy who caught my eye was very different to say the least. To say to my brother, "hey...now he is my type" and to talk to my future sis-in-law about which guys we liked was pretty wild. All of the thoughts and emotions i have been keeping bottled up are now out in the open and being talked about with people i love and care about. But again, it has an after effect. Now that i'm out, i have no excuse for being alone, where as before i could use the "in the closet" excuse. I know, i am only just starting to come out. But remember, i have lived my entire life alone and have never been in a relationship before, so the pressure i am putting on myself to find someone is intense. I have a lot of unfulfilled dreams and desires on that front going back almost 20 years and i need to start making up for it before i get any older. In case you are wondering, the thought of turning 33 is depressing as hell.

So, once again i fail at trying to get anywhere with CPB. I went there again tonight, since it's my first night back home (i hate being back too, btw) and it was a monday night when i first met him. So stands to reason he should be there on a monday, right? Well, no. He wasn't there. Again. I'm starting to believe it just isn't meant to be. Maybe i should just admit defeat and cut my losses and move on and forget about my sweet CPB. But i think that will be about as impossible as trying to forget about Eric has been for me. The harder i try to forget about them, more i think about them. The more i think about them, the more i want to be with them. Problem is, neither of them wants to be with me (well, to be fair, idk if CPB does or not, and if Eric does, ffs, please speak up and say so!!).

So, there ya go. One long, boring as hell post to help you sleep better. As far as i've come, i still have a long way to go. The amount of work and uncertainty that lay ahead of me is daunting. Although i feel much better this week than i did last week, loneliness is still an oppressive and continuous part of my life. But, progress is progress. One small step at a time.

Now for the hard part...

2009-06-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

In some areas of my life, I am extremely fortunate. Today, I came out to my brother. Although a bit shocked and surprised, he is behind me all the way. He actually congratulated me on coming out. My little brother and I were really close as kids, and we each have held secrets for each other for many years. I had expected him to be the most accepting of all my family from the beginning, and he has lived up to my expectations. He said he would be there for me mo matter what. His unconditional acceptance of me is just awesome.

My dad and I had a few private moments today and were able to discuss things a little. He said that it is still soaking in that i'm gay, but he is totally supportive and will always be there for me no matter what. I told him that I told my brother and that it went well (as my dad expected). I told my dad how grateful I am for him and my brother. He said there is no need to be grateful, that he and my brother loved me unconditionally. He added that unconditional meant just that. They would love me mo matter what. I asked my dad about how he thought some of my other relatives would react. In particular, how my fav aunt (my dads sis) would react. She knows my dad has been worried about me a lot and actually asked my dad if he thought I might be gay. Winner winner chicken dinner. So following that, he said she would be completely cool with it. In fact, he said most of the relatives on his side of the family would likely be cool. So, my aunt will likely be next to know.

Now that the easy part is out of the way (ha ha), on to the really hard part...telling my mom and sister. My sis is hard to read. After talking to my bro, I get the feeling my sis would be ok after a while. She appearantly has some gay friends, and so is ok with gays. It just might take her a while to adjust to thinking of me as gay. However, she tells my mom everything and so I can't tell my sis until I'm ready for my mom to find out. My mom will freak out on me. Of that I'm convinced. She may still love me, but will never support me and will insist that I'm sick and need treatment. This is getting kinda hard now.

The other difficulty will me in finding a boyfriend. My bro insists that I have heaps going for me and that I will find some one to love who will love me. So, when I get home, winning CPB's (cute pizza boy's) heart will become my priority. I will gladly accept any help anyone can offer in that arena. I have zero experience with flirting and talking to guys I like.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the support you've given me and for your comments. Well, I'm exhausted and need sleep.

Laterz.

Out to my Dad

2009-06-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

Well, after stressing myself out to the point of almost having a breakdown, I've done what I thought I could never do. I came out to my dad. What a relief to finally have that weight lifted from my shoulders. The feeling of finally being able to be myself around my dad is indescribable.

My dad and I spent the whole day together, and the opportunity to bring it up to him never presented itself. I was worried that I would have to delay telling him for a while and stress out about it even longer. So, after lunch, and stopping at a music shop to look at some guitars, I suggested we take a walk and work off our lunch. He said sure...that sounds good. So, we head out for our walk and just start chatting about random stuff. I was so nervous, I felt sick. At first I wasn't sure I could go through with it. Eventually though, I just brought it up. I asked my dad if he recalled our phone convo a few weeks ago, and he said yes. I asked if he wanted to hear the whole story, start to finish. Again, he said yes. I said that he may not like the way the story ends. He again said to me that there is nothing we couldn't overcome.

So, I told him that my depression has two main causes as far as I can tell, and that they are closely related two each other. I told him that one of the reasons I'm depressed is that I am so alone, and have been for a long time. I went into some detail about my loneliness. I finally just turned to him and said "dad, I'm gay". He acted a little surprised, but said the thought had crossed his mind. He said that it more than ok, that it changes nothing about how he feels about me, that he loved me. I told him a little about how I felt about the boy in my first grade class, and how I had no idea how to make sense of those feelings. I told him that I knew I was gay from the time I was in middle school. I told him how hard it's been carrying that secret for so long. He said he wishes I would have told him sooner. I only wish I had.

I am hanging out with my brother tomorrow, so I will probably tell him then. My dad seems to think my bro will take it well and be cool with it. I will let you know how it goes.

Now, if I could only find a boyfriend...

a swing and a miss...

2009-06-04T00:20:00.000-07:00

OMFG...did Deadwing really post twice in as many days? Holy shit! He did! lol...

Well, i went to get pizza tonight. No cutie pizza boy to be seen anywhere. :( Major let down. This is driving me crazy. I can't even be sure he will be there when i go in, let alone be able to get a seat at his table. And i can't keep going back every couple of days. I'm trying to lose weight ffs, not gain it faster than ever. I know, get a salad. Honestly, who the fuck orders a salad at a pizza place? In any event, at this rate i will never find out if i stood a chance with him. How frustrating. So, it's obvious i need to change my tactics. I mean, eventually, if i keep going back, i will get seated in his section. But how long will that take ffs? Waiting for random encounters with him will take forever to find out anything about him. So, how can i accelerate the process without being creepy and stalking him? I really want him to like me, not think i'm weird. In all honesty, having him reject me outright would be better than playing this cat and mouse waiting game. Will he be there? Oh...he is this time. Will i get seated in his section? No. Good God. Try again next week? OK. Fuck. How goddamn ridiculous is that? Suggestions?

But, the night wasn't a total waste of time. The guy who served me was well cute, and friendly. Had a good chat with him. Don't thinks he's gay though. But, i could be wrong. Thank fuck i went for a long bike ride today (despite the fckn heat) to negate all the calories i took in with the yummy pizza.

Well, unless my cutie pizza boy comes knocking on my door later, i won't be posting again until next week after i come out to my pops. Until then...

Laterz

p.s. - regarding the name of the song i mentioned in my last post, it was "i say a little prayer" from the film "my best friends wedding" (and has been performed by many great singers like Aretha Franklin), which i have never seen. go ahead...try pulling my fckn gay card...i fckn DARE you!!! :D

p.p.s - regarding the randomness of actually being able to talk to cute pizza boy (aka cpb), i guess when something is really worth having (like having cpb as my boyfriend), it's worth waiting for. Once i actually get seated in his section, i won't feel like such a stalker asking to be seated there again. at least then i will have had him as a server at least once (when i first met him, he cashed me out with a take-away order, and helped me get my crap car started...lol).

p.p.p.s - i'm starting to feel like Torchy! with all of my post scripts! lol...that's a compliment btw... :P

All the news that is news.

2009-06-03T02:32:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. I haven't had much time for blogging lately, but have been reading what i can, when i can. So, just because i haven't been commenting much doesn't mean i'm not reading your blog. Now that summer is here, i have been outside taking bike rides a lot more frequently and taking walks, etc. OMG...there are well loads of fit guys out there running and biking, and such. Opportunities to purve abound. Maybe i should try getting into running next...all the really cute fit guys seem to run. I love their toned, muscular legs (showcased by their cute shorts) and their slim, fit torsos (showcased by nothing at all, if i'm really lucky). I love summer! Oh, and a huge thank you to all who have left a comment or sent an email regarding my last couple of posts. Your words of encouragement and advice, and just kind words in general mean the world to me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I head out to Wisconsin on 6 June to visit my pops, and will be gone until 14 June, so i won't be on MSN during that time. I know, i know...you are all heart broken and are now curled up in the fetal position, crying softly, wondering just how in the hell you will survive without having me to talk to for a week. That sounds pretty dramatic, but more than likely no one would have noticed my absence if i hadn't said anything...lol. Anyway, i can't find a messenger for my iPhone that works with all my contacts, so you are all shit out of luck...lol. :p I will try to post from my iPhone and keep you updated as to my progress and subsequent success/failure/breakdown.

So, in less than a week i will be out to my dad. I will probably be out to my brother as well. Oh, let's not forget my stepmother either. Holy shit. Am i really going to go through with this? Yeah, me thinks i will. I am pretty nervous about it all, but semi-confident things will work out better than i had originally thought. There is still a chance things will go horribly wrong, and whats left of my life will come crashing down around me. In which case, i will no doubt finally snap and either go ape shit and lead the police on a multi-state high speed chase followed by a spectacular crash, or i will breakdown and collapse into myself never to be seen again. Once my dad and brother know, it will then be time to tell my mom and sister. Both of them will be significantly more difficult to deal with. So much so, i don't even want to think about it now, or i may lose my nerve and not tell my dad. I really think it's time to move on. I think that my dad is ready to hear the truth. I still wonder if he suspects, and if so, for how long. I guess i will find out in a few days.

In other news, i came out to another co-worker on Saturday. Let's call her Beth. She is a new trainee in my area, and i was instructing her on Saturday. Adam and his student were training on the position next to the one i was training Beth on. Beth is a lesbian, by the way. Anyway, Adam was humming some song, and Beth started humming along to it as well. I'm like "wtf song are you two singing?". Beth says "hetero men can be so clueless sometimes". I laughed my ass off, and Adam just gave me some stupid smile and Beth was giving both of us a very quizzical look, but said nothing further. Later, i asked Adam what song it was, and he told me and said "i ought to take away your gay card for not knowing that" and laughed. At the end of the day, i was debriefing Beth about our training session, and said to her "by the way, you almost got me in some serious trouble with Adam before when i didn't know that song. He threatened to take away my gay card for that". She just stared at me and said "you are?". Yep, i am. So, we had a nice little chat and exchanged mobile numbers. One more ally.

Lastly, cute pizza guy... Well, i went back to see him twice last week, and both times he wasn't there. :( So, on Sunday before my overnight shift i decided to stop by for dinner and see if he was in. I made two laps around the place trying to see if i could see him. No luck, and finally the hostess asked if there was something i was looking for. Oops...made myself look suspicious. I just said i was looking for a friend who said he might be meeting me for dinner, and i didn't see him, so just seat me anywhere. So, after i've been seated and have ordered, guess who i see. Yep...my cutie. Damn. Well, he walked past my table, his back towards me (my back was to the wall as well). So, i got to purve for a moment before he turned the corner. :p A few minutes later, he is walking down the aisle directly towards me and i could swear he is looking me over. Maybe it's because he recognizes me from when we met the first time. Or who knows why...maybe he likes me? Nah...couldn't be that. Now i am inventing things in order to give me a false confidence. Or i could just be seeing things and he wasn't looking me over at all. But i'm almost certain he notices me before i notice him and catch his eye. I made eye contact with him, and he didn't look away. I am nervous as hell at this point, and all i can manage is to give him a little wave of my hand and a awkward smile and say "Hi. How is your night going?". He gives me a little smile back, and says his night is going alright. And then he is gone. That is all i managed to say to him. So, my guess is that if he is in fact gay, he probably knows that i am too, and that i'm interested in him. Why else would i make eye contact with some random employee and smile at him and say hi if i'm not interested? He walked past my table one other time, but my loudmouth waitress was barking up the wrong tree and trying to chat me up looking for a good tip. I'm thinking to myself "shut the fuck up and move along!". LOL. So when he walked past me that time, i could see him looking at me from the corner of my eye. IDK, maybe he's in tune and can tell i'm into him. Or maybe he's thinking "why is that creepo guy talking to me and making eyes at me?" Or maybe he really does actually like me too. Who knows. I can't help but feel like i'm setting myself up for a major disappointment. The odds are not in my favor at all. But, lady luck favors the bold. So, my plan is to go try and talk to him again tonight (Wednesday night). Is it too bold of me to first ask if he is working, and then ask to be seated in his section? That might raise some eyebrows, and suspicions. Or make me look like a creepo stalker. But, it would guarantee i get to talk to him a bit more than i have previously. If the hostess tells him i asked for him, he might be freaked out by that and not want to talk, or worse, just write me off as a nut job. Or it could make it even more obvious that i like him and he might be flattered. Ugh...too many variables. I hate not being in control of a situation. I have to find out one way or another though...if i let this go and never find out, i will be kicking myself in the ass for all time. I can't let opportunities pass me by anymore. One last thing about him. Yes, he is really cute (to me anyway), but my attraction to him runs deeper than that. I don't know him, or anything about him, but there is something there that draws me in. Something that makes me feel good in a way i can't describe. Maybe this time, i will finally have a bit of good luck. But, he will probably turn out to be straight... I'll keep you posted either way.

Laterz.

The beginning of the end?

2009-05-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

I have taken those first few unsteady steps on a journey from which there is no return. I spoke with my dad yesterday for almost an hour when I should have been working. He is very concerned about me, as I have been noticeably more depressed than usual lately. He started asking me a lot of questions about what's been bothering me. I said I have a pretty good idea of what it is, but that I would rather not talk about it over the phone, that it's very hard for me to talk about. He continued to gently prod me for answers, and I said I want to talk about it but that the phone isn't the place to do it, that I'd rather discuss it face to face.

When I got home from work last night, I went online and booked a flight out to visit my pops in early June when I've got some leave from work. So, my dad knows something is up and now I have a ticket to go see him. At this point, I am pretty much committed to coming out to him in just a couple of weeks. Now that he knows that I am carrying a burden and that I know what that burden is he won't let me skate without talking to him about it.

This morning, I had a voicemail from my dad on my mobile. He was pretty upset about our conversation last night. He called to see how I was doing, and wanted to make sure I was ok. I felt really bad for making him worry so much. I called him back on my break before and had a fairly encouraging conversation with him. First off, I told him about my trip and he was extremely excited to hear I am coming for a visit. The topic then shifted back to me. He again said how worried he is about me and that he was thinking about me all day. He said he would do anything he could to help me. He said that the love between a father and son is unconditional and that there isn't anything that we can't overcome together. He said he only wants for me to be happy. That he misses hearing me laugh. I told him that I have done my best to carry this weight for a long time, but that it has become too great. He said that when I get into town, he and I can have a nice long talk and work things out. He again said that there is nothing that will make him love me any less and that there is nothing we can't overcome. God, I love my dad.

So, we will see what happens. I still have no idea what he suspects might be weighing on me. None of the things he was asking me about gave any clue as to what he thinks. In any event, I am still scared as hell about telling him, but I'm strangely at peace about it. Let's hope this is the beginning of the end for me having to live my life as someone I'm not.

For Mirrorboy

2009-05-22T02:38:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIRRORBOY!!!

Mirrorboy is a very special person to a lot of us, but he has a special place in my heart and always will. I really feel as though he is my little brother, and in some ways i feel closer to him than my real brother. When i first came across his blog last November, it felt as though i was reading about my own teenage years. As such, i felt an instant connection to him. He is the first person i came out to ever. He has been a great friend and a shoulder to cry on and has always been there to talk even when things weren't going so good on his end. I consider him to be one of my best friends, online or in real life. So, if you haven't already, head over to his blog and wish him a very happy birthday.

I love you buddy, and hope you have a fantastic birthday!

What's the point?

2009-05-20T05:18:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a great deal of soul searching over the past few weeks, even more than usual. About coming out to my family, about living a long, painful lonely life and dying alone, about finding someone to love who will love me back, about the purpose of my existence, and back to being alone. I have had sleep issues for most of the last 15 years or so, and have been doing battle with depression for 20 years. The sleepless days and nights are caused by depression, and the depression is caused by being closeted, alone, and without purpose. So, i lay in bed staring at the ceiling, glancing at the clock, watching time slowly advance, and ponder my existence.

I was brought up in a Christian home. After my parents divorced, my mom was "born again" and would drag my sister, brother, and i to church every Sunday. It was shortly after this that i pretty much figured out that i'm gay. I was still trying to convince myself that i would marry a girl and have a family, etc for years after, but deep inside somewhere i knew that would never happen. I was a pretty lonely kid before then, so this only further served to deepen the loneliness i felt. I am pretty shy, and always have been, so making friends has never been an easy thing for me. But, that's ok, coz now i've got God on my side. He will help me to feel better, not so lonely. For years and years i prayed to God to ease my pain, help me find my way, help the loneliness to go away. Those prayers have still gone unanswered almost 20 years later. Eventually i came to realize that the reason my prayers were going unanswered is that no one is listening. I believe that something set the universe in motion, call it god for lack of a better term, but that "god" cares nothing for us humans. Just look at all the horrible things that happen in the world on a daily basis. How could a God who loves us and cares for us allow such things to go on? I'm not saying that god would micromanage and give someone the winning lottery numbers or strike dead the neighbors dog who keeps shitting on your yard. But on a much grander scale, look at the number of innocent children who die horrible painful deaths at the hands of some wretched disease, or some sick, perverted, child molesting rapist. No loving god would allow such things to go on. That is why i am convinced that religion is an invention of man, used as a tool to give their lives purpose, justify their existence.

So, what's the point of our lives? Why do we live only to die? I go to work everyday, and work hard. But why do i go to work? Food and shelter certainly, but i could have that if i were to quit my job and get on the government dole. No, i work hard so i can have a higher standard of life. But even that is seeming rather pointless these days. It comes full circle to being alone. I want to be able to share my life with someone, and make the work i do worth while again.

But finding someone to share my life with is an extremely difficult task. I know one other gay guy, and i have been trying to get together with him to talk for 9 months, and it hasn't happened. I can't even get together to talk, let alone go out someplace with him and mingle and meet people. The other person i am out to doesn't know any gay guys that he could introduce me to. I'm not talking about romance even, just a new friend to be able to talk and relate to. So, i try to meet people online. I send out message after message, introducing myself, not being a creepo, wanting only to talk make a new friend. But i get very few replies, and of those who do reply, they all flake out and sever contact after a few messages. So i still don't have any gay friends, no way of networking, and maybe finding a partner, someone to share my life with.

I have lost something like 45 pounds, but still have a long way to go. As i slowly lose weight and get in shape, i am still getting older and older. By the time i am finally presentable and marketable, i will be pushing 40. But even if i were in shape, i still have all my emotional baggage to deal with. I am guessing that even if i did find a boyfriend, i would manage to fuck things up with my insecurity, lack of confidence, and low self esteem. I have never had a reason to have any of these things, and still don't really, so they are all foreign concepts to me. Not something i can learn overnight. So once again, time marches on and i get older and the odds of me finding someone get slimmer.

I don't even know where i am going with any of this. I know that i am in love with a guy who will never love me back, and i can accept that, but i still have feelings for him. That hurts. Love is pain to me right now. I have a crush on another guy, who is gay, but for various reasons nothing will ever come of it and he will never find out how he makes me feel. Then there is my latest crush. I met him Monday night at my favorite pizza place. He is a server there. Now, my gaydar doesn't work for shit, but he was setting off alarms. I don't know for sure if he is gay or not, but i do know he is cute, and really very nice. He is younger than me, mid 20's i'd guess. So now what? One more guy for me to admire from afar, to dream about as i lay in bed alone? I don't know when he works even, so it's gonna be hard to go in and see him. Even if he is working, i may not get seated in his section. So, once again, i like a guy who i don't know for sure is gay, and who will be difficult to judge if he is being nice because it's his job, or if he's interested. He seems like a really sweet, nice guy. I am a horrible flirt, and i get really nervous talking to guys i like. But what do i have to offer him? He could get a much younger, better looking guy than me. I can't help but feel like i am setting myself up for failure by even entertaining the idea of asking him out.

My mind is drifting, i have a headache, and my eyes are burning. I need to lay down. Sorry for the random post. I doubt any of it makes any sense at all. I still can't find any purpose to my existence. Life seems to be one big monumental waste of time. I hope i'm wrong, but i really don't think i am.

thank you

2009-05-13T01:45:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who commented and emailed me about my last post. I have been really busy, so i haven't had the time to reply to each comment individually, but i will as soon as i can. I've also been falling behind on reading and commenting on others blogs as well. Sorry for slacking off here. I try to read what i can on my iPhone on my breaks at work, but commenting is kind of a pain. I'll try and catch up soon. I guess i have been pretty depressed and really stressing out over how i should proceed with coming out. I need to be myself, and try to find some happiness in life, but fear of the unknown is incredibly powerful... I don't want to ruin relationships with my family, the people who are closest to me. i don't want to be alone. I want to be honest, and really be myself. So much i need to do, and so little time remains. Once again, thanks to everyone who reads my little blog. Only one thing is certain...as Mirrorboy said, if i weren't gay and confused and frustrated, i never would have met all of you wonderful people.

WARNING:

2009-05-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

This post is depressing as fuck. Read further at your own risk.

My dad and i are really close, and have been for as long as i can remember. I was his shadow when i was a little kid, and it really tore me apart when my parents got divorced and my dad moved away. Eventually, about seven years after my parents split, i went to live with my dad. That was when i was about 14, and by that time i had already pretty much figured out that i was gay. Granted, i lived in denial of that fact, and tried to convince myself i was bi, but i knew i liked boys and knew what it meant to be gay.

My point is, my dad is my best friend. Although i don't get to see him much (he lives 2000 miles away), we talk on the phone four or five times a week. That i'm gay is the only secret i have kept from my dad. For years and years, i have agonized over this. How will he react if i tell him? Will he still love me? Will our friendship be ruined?

On Sunday afternoon, i had a rather eye opening conversation with my dad. Somehow or another, the topic of the movie Top Gun came up. My dad mentions that he has heard that Kelly McGillis, "that hot blonde in Top Gun", has come out as being as lesbian after all these years. My dad said he heard that she said she has known since she was 12 or something. So, i try to tell him how i feel, with out being too detailed or anything, and relate to him my experience with out telling him that i am in fact gay. You know, how a lot of people who are gay have known since a very early age, how society and peer pressure can force people to stay in the closet, how that causes the person in the closet a lot of grief and unhappiness, stuff like that. My dad just grumbled something and said it with a real "oh, whatever" sort of attitude. Great...this isn't looking so good for me.

I changed the subject a little bit, and brought up gay marriage. I talked about how hung up people are with gays in general, and how gays should be entitled to the same rights as everyone else. He says something to the effect of "well, i have the right two not see to guys kissing on the street, and i ought to be able to kick their asses if i do". I was speechless for a moment, and so stunned that all i could muster was "i wouldn't go that far". OK, so the "kick their asses" comment was said half in jest, as my dad wouldn't really just kick someones ass without being provoked. But, i think he made it really clear that he in no way approves of gays. I would venture a guess that he still labors under the falsehood that being gay is a choice.

So, bottom line, if i come out to my dad, i loose my best friend. Period. It will destroy our relationship. Without my dad's love and friendship, i will have nothing left. My life will be void of anything of worth.

My dad knows about my depression. He is worried about me because of it. When we talk about it, he always asks me what i think may be causing it, and of course i can't tell him it stems from being closeted and being alone for so many years. Coming out would certainly explain many things and help him to understand why i have been depressed and unhappy since i was 15, maybe even earlier. But that explanation will come at a high cost.

I fucking HATE being gay. It has brought me nothing but sadness, pain, depression and endless torment of my soul. If there is an up side to being born gay, i have yet to find it. So here is the situation as i see it: i can either have the love and friendship of my dad and other family members, or i can come out and finally be able to be myself, and if i'm a really good boy, maybe i will find a boyfriend before i die. At least the way things are now, i have someone (my dad) who i know loves me and who i can talk to, etc. If i come out completely, there is still no guarantee i will find a boyfriend and true love. Given how shitty my luck has been in trying to get a date online, and that i can't tell who is gay and/or interested in me in the real world and that i haven't had a guy hit on me since my senior year of high school, i would guess that i'm heading towards an eternity of loneliness. So, even if i do win the gay lottery and find a guy who loves me and makes me happy, i am still never going to be whole. I can either have the love of my family (guaranteed) or i can have the love of a boyfriend (not guaranteed, or even likely), but not both. Here's the real kicker: i need to come out before i have a fucking meltdown. So, it's not a matter of if i will be disowned by my family, but a matter of when. The only real variable is if i will find a guy that not only do i love (i got one of those already, and that is a source of yet more anguish and longing), but will love me in return. Some fucking world we live in.

Purving in traffic.

2009-05-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

Today, something very unusual happened. I actually enjoyed sitting in traffic. The weather was beautiful today, sunny and warm. So anyway, as i'm creeping along at 5 mph i see a couple really fit, cute guys on the sidewalk (shirtless btw :p). I enjoy the eye candy, and lucky me, there are MORE cute, fit, shirtless guys up ahead! Turns out they were having a car wash to raise money for something or other (somehow i missed what the sign had printed on it...go figure). I can't remember the last time i've seen so many cute guys in swimwear in one place. As an extra bonus, the longest traffic light in the state is on the corner where the car wash was being held. Extra time to purve... :D If i hadn't already been running late for work, i would have stopped by to have my car washed. I wonder if the cuties washing the cars would have found it odd that i was stopping to have my squeaky clean car washed? LOL.

Other than me being even more purvy than usual, its was a rather unremarkable day, in another unremarkable week. Ugh...only three more shifts until my weekend. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Byez.

Let's go for a drive.

2009-04-28T06:16:00.000-07:00

On friday when i got to work, i ran into Eric as he was heading out the door to go home for the weekend. We got to talking and he actually stayed for about half an hour past the end of his shift just to talk to me. :) We wound up talking outside since the weather was actually nice that day. We just did a bit of catching up since we haven't seen each other in a while. Turns out he's off to Florida for a week of fun in the sun. Just the thought of him in any sort of swimwear makes me feel tingly. :p As we were talking, the sun was hitting his eyes and hair in just the right way. God, he is the most beautiful thing on this earth. I was positively glowing standing there talking to him. He makes me feel so happy and at peace. I had the strongest urge to grab him, pull him close and give him a kiss he would never forget. *sigh*

Anyway, as we were talking, the convo got round to my new car. Eric is as big a car nut as i am, and we frequently talk cars and such. About 2 months ago, i bought a 2009 Audi S5 (black on black). I love that car, and so does Eric. To quote him, "that is one sexy car". Indeed. :p So, when i first got the car, i gave Eric the grand tour, showed him all the bells and whistles, played the stereo for him, and gave him a short ride around the parking lot in it. Well, on friday as we were talking, he asked if my car was broken in yet and if i'd had any fun with it yet. I said yes it was broken in and yes, i have had some proper fun with it. He said "i would love to drive a car like that". I said, "you wanna take it for a spin?". He just looked at me and said "are you serious?". Now, understand, i am very picky about my car and i really don't like other people driving it at all. But, i saw a golden opportunity do a little bonding with Eric, and i took it.

Since i hadn't signed in yet, and he was off duty, we went for a short drive (normally we can't leave the facility when we are on duty). I took Eric over to my car, had him get in the drivers side and fire her up. He got the seat and mirrors all set up and we went out and had a bit of fun (driving that is :p). It was only a short trip, about 10 minutes, but Eric really enjoyed it. He had the silliest of grins on his face the entire time. I think i made his day, cos when we got back, he put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a little pat on the back and said "thanks man...that was awesome". That made my day. :D

Of course, all of this does nothing for me and trying to get over Eric. I grow more fond of him (if that is even possible) everyday. The way he makes me feel is indescribable. I suppose it is rather pathetic of me to feel this way about a guy i will only ever know as a friend, but i can't help it. I guess all i can do is hope that someday, my feelings for him will peak, and i will then start to regain my sanity. I just hope that i will be able to meet someone who not only makes me feel like Eric does, but will be able to return those feelings.

FAIL

2009-04-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

I have been having a recurring dream rather frequently lately. The details are fuzzy at best, but the ending is crystal clear. Somehow, in my dream Eric and i end up kissing. When i wake up (and i always wake up mid kiss some where), i can still feel his lips on mine, and i can still smell him and feel his warmth. A good dream. It gives me just a few moments of pure bliss before i fully wake up and realize it was all just a dream. Then reality sets in. Hard and fast.

I woke up to this dream again this morning just a few minutes before my alarm went off. I actually had to get up early today (10:30am...early for me considering i didn't get to bed until after 5:00am). I had some lame, waste of time doctors appointment to go to at 11:15. After the doctor, i went back home to pick up some stuff i needed to return, and had forgot to bring with me in the first place. I forget shit a lot lately...must be part of getting old.

After returning my stuff and running a few errands, i decided to see if cute shoe boy was in at the mall. This time, he was. He was actually the only one in the store when i was there. And i was the only customer. Seemed like perfect conditions. Long story short, i asked him his opinion on some shoes, and asked for a little fashion advice. He was quite friendly, and i wound up complimenting his tattoos. He just said "thanks", and we went back to trying things on. When the time seemed right, i rather awkwardly asked if he'd like to get a cup of coffee or something sometime. "Really?" was his reply. I said yes, really. Then he said "I'm sorry, that just won't be possible". No further explanation, no nervous laugh, or appearance of being flattered or embarrassed. His response was really neutral. I could feel my face turn red, and i instantly felt so sick to my stomach, i thought i was gonna puke. I don't blame him for telling me to fuck off. I probably traumatized him, and now he'll be scarred for life. I did buy a pair of shoes from him after all that though.

Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck. Fucking failure and rejection strike yet again. At least my 100% rejection record remains intact. Do you know what made me ask him? Not having huge balls or being courageous or brave. Desperation, loneliness, delusion, and sheer fucking stupidity were the driving forces behind my actions. What the fuck was i thinking? What made me think that i had even one chance in a billion with a guy like him?

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. Every avenue i have explored thus far has lead me to the same dead end. Oh i know, get back on the horse, try again, etc. It took all i had to do that and now i'm spent. After my shitty waste of time experience on various dating sites, and now this, i've had about all the rejection i can handle for a while. Maybe after i've had shit loads of cosmetic surgery and a personality transplant, i'll give it another go.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair?"

2009-04-21T03:40:00.000-07:00

That was what one of my friends at work said about my new hair cut on Sunday. lol. He followed that up with "you're not going gay on us are you?". If only he knew...and i almost said "why yes i am". But all i did was give a cryptic "maybe" followed by a good laugh. One of my other co-workers added in "switch teams now and you get a free toaster oven" to which i replied "throw in a decent espresso machine, and you've got a deal". If i had any balls at all, i would have come out to everyone in the room right then and there. Just not ready for that yet though. In any event, the "going gay" comment must mean that my haircut was an unqualified success! Go to a gay stylist, get a gay hair style. :D I'm going back to him for all my hair cuts from now on. There may be hope for me yet.

I have had several people i know ask me if i've lost weight. So, it would seem my self imposed regimen of torture is working to some small degree. I have been trying to walk at least a couple of miles every day. Last week, i walked six miles one day. But that is not having as big an effect as it once did. Time to ratchet things up a bit, maybe buy a new bike or something (my old bike is nice, but not very modern or comfortable...its about 12 years old now). On top of walking, i have been doing push ups and crunches every other day or so. That seems to be having some effect as well. Here again, i think i need to kick it up a notch and start with some weight training. Diet is the hardest part. I have been depriving myself of pizza, Coca-cola, and beer/liquor. I have also moved away from the lattes and onto Americanos. Far fewer calories than even a non-fat latte. And pretty damn good to boot. I am still a work in progress tho, and there is much work to be done before i am presentable.

Had a good talk with Jack last night at work. He admitted he was surprised by the fact i am gay. He is very accepting tho, and i am really glad i decided to tell him. He was on holiday last week, and said that he was wondering if i was just playing a joke on him while he was gone. lol. Apparently, i do a damn good job of acting straight. As it turns out, Jacks brother is gay. No wonder he took it so well when i told him. We talked about how his brothers coming out affected his family, and it unfolded about as i anticipate my coming out will affect mine. Not so good. He said his parents still love his brother, but don't accept or approve of his lifestyle. Jack's brothers partner isn't allowed in his parents home. It has forever altered the parent/son relationship. Jack and i also talked about my next moves, where i want to go from here. etc. I told Jack how frustrated i am about waiting so long to come out, and how badly i want to find a partner. I also told him about my crush on Eric. I am so grateful for Jack. I asked if he wanted to establish any boundaries for our discussions, because i didn't want to offend him or make him uncomfortable with any of my gay issues. He just said "do we need boundaries?". What an awesome guy.

I got a compliment on my new shoes from another guy i work with. Looks like my little changes are having some effect after all. Here again, still a work in progress. I desperately need some sleep. I have had only about eight hours of sleep or so since Friday morning (it's now Tuesday morning for me). Time to sign off, and close my burning eyes for a while. Laterz.

Quickie update

2009-04-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

For those who are interested, yesterday was a complete waste of time. I got my hair cut as planned, and the guy who cut it turned out to be really nice. He said that his mom had mentioned me to him, but didn't go into much detail. Sadly he didn't seem too keen on the idea of getting together though. Yet another dead end.

I was a little early for my hair appointment, so I went into the shoe store to have a look. The guy I worked with last week was there (also pretty cute), but my " target" was nowhere to be seen. An hour later, after my hair appointment, still no cutie shoe boy. :( Oh well, probably would have been pointless anyway. No sense in spoiling my no hitter.

Maybe I should just start hitting on random cute guys, see if I can get a few takers. I'll either make some friends/get a boyfriend or get the shit beat out of me by said cute guy and six of his best gay hating buddies. I've had about three hours of sleep since Friday morning, and now that I think about it, being beat into a coma would probably be quite restful. Time to go back to work now. Laterz.

Into The Unknown

2009-04-17T16:59:00.000-07:00

So, tomorrow after work I am going for a hair cut. The guy who will be doing the cutting is the son of one of the people I met at the PFLAG meeting last month. I haven't actually spoken to him yet, as he was out when I set up my appointment. I hope I don't surprise him too much when I tell him how I was referred to him. On top of getting a great new hair style (got to make myself as marketable as possible), I am hoping that he will agree to us getting together to talk sometime. From what his mom was saying about him, it would seem that we could benefit from each others conversation. It would be awesome to have another person to talk to in real life, who I can be myself with. By some coincidence, the salon he works at is in the same mall as the shoe store where the cutie shoe guy works.

After getting some good advice from Steevo, and talking to him more about it on MSN, he has got me almost convinced that I should go and talk to cute shoe guy some more. I am already nervous just thinking about talking to him, let alone asking him out to dinner. Now, where did I place my extra-extra large balls? I am pretty shy with new people in real life, and even talking to guys I am interested in makes me nervous. What makes the situation even more sensitive and nerve wracking for me is not knowing if he is gay or not. I am terrible at reading people and picking up on subtle hints. He would all but need a neon sign on his head reading "I'm gay" for me to figure it out. Like I said, he seemed kind of fem, and was nice from what I could tell. But simply because he is slightly fem and works in a shoe store doesn't mean he's gay. I could mis-read some signal and convince myself he's gay simply because I want to believe it. Then, if I actually work up the courage to ask him out, there is the potential I could find myself in a really embarrassing situation real fast. Not only could it be embarrassing, but if he turns out to be straight and not so gay friendly, he would have my name and address (I usually have to order stuff since they don't have much in my size). I know, I am being paranoid and making excuses not to take action. But the possibility does exist.

Steevo said it best, I need to do something. I have heaps of reasons for sitting on my ass and not doing something to improve my life. It's time I came up with reasons to take action. If I never take a chance, I will die alone, and that scares me. But what is an acceptable risk? Granted, he's fem and works at a shoe store, so my odds of success go up a little. But he's in his early to mid 20's. He may just think I'm some creepy old dude. Or, he might be gay and into guys my age. Ugh...I could go round and round on this forever and never reach any sort of logical conclusion. I'm open to any advice you, my friends, may have to offer. I want to talk to him, but my inner chicken shit is telling me to run away. What am I gonna do?

Time for some new shoes?

2009-04-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

My sister went home yesterday. Needless to say, she still doesn't know that i'm gay. After reading Torchy's comment on my last post, i got to thinking that i really don't know how my sister feels about gays. I was going to take the idea suggested by Torchy and make up some fictitious person at work who has come out to me, or talk about Adam getting hitched to his partner but the right opening in the convo never presented itself. Having my mom around all weekend didn't help me to bring this up either. In the end though, i have a feeling that i shouldn't tell her until i'm ready for my mom to know too.

This weekend, i got an email from a reader that really made me think . The email said that in her heart, my mom probably already knows that i'm gay. The writer of the email wondered what would hurt my mom more, that i'm gay or that i don't trust her enough to tell her. That really made me think. Could i be hurting her by keeping my secret from her? She knows i'm depressed and unhappy, and i'm sure that hurts her. What mother doesn't want her child to be happy? But does she know why i'm unhappy and depressed? If she really knew why i am so miserable, would she still want me to pursue happiness? I am still of the opinion that i would be disowned, but i could be wrong.

On a lighter note, i went out and bought a new pair of shoes on Saturday. I think i need another pair or two. The guy working at the shoe store is one of those guys who looks pretty average to the outside observer, but sets off alarms and bells in my heart and mind. He is really cute (to me anyway), slightly fem (i know, i'm stereotyping...sorry), and has some great tattoos. I don't remember the details of the tats (i was way to busy taking in his cute face and perfect tummy. :p), but he had ink on both of his arms. *sighs* I have not been able to get him out of my mind for even one second since seeing him Saturday afternoon. I see cute guys every time i go out it seems, but there is something about him that pushes all the right buttons, and ignites a fire inside of me. My gaydar doesn't work very well (if at all), but i got the feeling he may have been gay. No hard facts or proof, just a gut feeling. I really want to go back and talk to him some more, maybe put on my ultra huge ballz and ask him out. But i don't want to take a chance on asking him out not knowing for sure if he is gay. It would be odd finding excuses to go in and talk to him in any detail about anything, especially trying to find out if he is gay, since he is at work after all, and just how many pairs of shoes could i possibly need? LOL. I'm guessing just asking him if he is gay is out of the question, especially given the environment in which we would be talking. I'm a lousy flirt to begin with, and not knowing if he is gay or not makes it even more difficult. There is a good chance he'd think i'm a creepy old man for talking to him anyway, since he looks to be in his early to mid 20's. Just thinking about him makes me feel 10 years younger though. I'd really hate to let any opportunity pass me by, but my chances are slim to none even if he is gay i reckon. I guess he'll just wind up being another wank fantasy boy. This is really frustrating. Any advice you guys might have to offer would really be appreciated.

Not much else going on in my little world. It's still cold and rainy, i still have no boyfriend, and my laptop is full (only 500MB of free space remain on the hard drive). Guess i'll have to buy a portable hard drive and back it up, then delete all my files to make more room. I have been using my laptop as a back up for my music and pics and vids. Storing all of that on an external hard drive would work just as well i suppose. Either way, i need to do something. 500mb of free space is not conducive to downloading porn. :p As for the cold and rain and no boyfriend, maybe it's time i quit my job and go someplace else and start over.

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I was busy with work and spending time with my sis, so i have a lot of catching up to do here in blogland. With any luck, the Easter weekend will have caused a slowdown and will make it easier for me to catch up. :) Laters.

Weekend? What weekend?

2009-04-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

I have a few extra minutes on my break, and the signal is strong on my mobile for the moment, so I thought I'd pop in and say hello. As most of you already know, I work all weekend including Friday nights. Oh joy. My social life sucks and is about as boring as watching the grass grow. Not much going on on a Tuesday or Wednesday night when I have off. Even if there were, finding someone to do something with is difficult.

My sister is in town visiting until Sunday afternoon. I very briefly considered coming out to her while she is here, but dismissed the notion just as quickly. Her and my mom tell each other everything. Even if I swore her to secrecy, my guess is that she would talk sooner or later. But then again, maybe not. Maybe things have changed since we were kids. All I know is that she threw me under the bus more than once when we were kids. Better to play it safe for now I reckon.

I don't have any big Easter plans, as I'm not very religious and I have to work. Our weather has turned back to the rainy, cold crap from the warm sun we had just a few days ago. The rain and clouds never used to bother me. Now, all I can think about is getting the fuck out of here and moving someplace where it's a bit warmer and the sun shines more. Maybe out of the country. Who knows. It's time for a change. I'm stuck in a rut.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. Laters.

He actually laughed!

2009-04-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

It's almost quarter to four in the afternoon, and i just got out of bed. Yes, yes, i know, i'm a lazy bum and all that. :p I actually slept really well Saturday night, although i still only got about five hours of sleep. But when one is used to only getting 1 or 2 hours, 5 is pretty good. But, i didn't get a nap in before my mid shift Sunday night, so i was well tired when i got home this morning. Oh, and i did a bit of "spirited driving" on my way to work Sunday morning. Having to leave for work at 4:45 am has its advantages. :) It's about the only time i have the road almost to my self in this town. So the freeway (motorway) on ramp is long and straight, with good views ahead and behind. No cops in sight, gas pedal to the floor, through second gear, shift into third, and another shift to fourth. 125 MPH is reached in an alarmingly short period of time. :D The sound of the engine revving to its 7000 rpm red line is music to my ears. God, i love my car. OK, enough blather. :p

At work last night, Jack and i were actually fairly busy until about 1:45am, which is unusual for this time of year (we stay busy even later in the summer). Things normally die down well before 1am in winter/spring/fall, and we can settle in and talk or watch a movie. The cleaning girl finally came through at about 2am (also late) and did her vacuuming, etc. I finally get the laptop set-up and ready to watch "Dogma" at about 2:30, but i stall actually starting the movie. I am scared shitless and my stomach is in knots at this point just thinking about telling Jack that i'm gay. What if he flips out and our friendship is ruined? I still have to work mids with him (it's just us two all night long) for the next eight months. What if i tell him and he lets my secret out before i'm ready? So many ways this could go all wrong.

Anyway, i keep stalling starting the movie by making nervous small talk, digging through my laptop bag, fidgeting with brightness and volume settings on my laptop, and a bunch of other obviously odd behaviors. I finally turn to Jack and say "Can you keep a secret?". He says "yeah, whats the matter?". "I really need to tell you something, and i need you to keep it to yourself...you can't tell anyone, OK?" He gives me a look of concern and says "What is is? Are you alright?". Insert dramatic pause here. "I'm gay". He gave me a really neutral sort of look for just a second and then he actually laughed! "Holy shit! Is that all? I though you were going to tell me you were dying or something! Fuck man, i don't care about that. In fact, that explains a few things. Like why your were so open to being bi, and why you laughed so much when i mentioned my wife wanting our son to be gay." A few months back, we were having a discussion about all the new people coming in the building. A few of them are lesbians, so we started talking about sexuality a bit and somehow we wound up on being bi, and i'd made some comment on the order of "being bi automatically doubles your chances of getting laid. Maybe i should give it a try".

After that, he said he needs to have his gaydar looked at, because he never really suspected i was gay, just those few little hints i dropped to him. I went on to tell Jack that he and Adam are the only two people in my real life who know, and i think he was pretty flattered that i would trust him with my secret. He asked when i told Adam, and he said that it must be like a weight lifted from my shoulders. He also said, "I guess i need to be careful talking about tits now" and laughed. I told him (as if he really needed me to say it) that things aren't any different than they were before, except he now knows the real me. I told him we could still talk about all the things we did before, that nothing has really changed. I then said to him that i hope that my being gay doesn't change the dynamics of our friendship. He says "No, no, it's cool".

The rest of the night went on as if things were just the same as always. I can be a bit paranoid, and i was wondering if Jack was just being so cool about it in order to spare my feelings or something. I got over that pretty quickly, and just accepted the fact that he accepts me for who i am. On our way out to the parking lot after our shift, i thanked him for keeping my secret a secret. He just said "No problem, bud". Then he laughed a little and said he was thinking back to our argument with Dodge a while back. Dodge is a sick and twisted far right sort who believes that being gay is a mental illness just like schizophrenia, and that gays should be institutionalized and treated. Jack said he wanted to strangle Dodge after that, he can only imagine how i must have felt. I did tear Dodge a new asshole, but didn't want my secret revealed at that point. If we were to have that conversation now, I think i would tell Dodge "Oh yeah? I'm gay. Now what you sick fuck?" and get him in heaps of trouble for discrimination.

So there it is. I'm out to one more person in real life, for a grand total of two. After the way i had built up coming out to Jack, it was almost anti-climatic when i finally did tell him, especially considering how cool he is about it. I don't think they will all be this easy though. Who to tell next...

Burnt to a crisp.

2009-04-04T21:01:00.000-07:00

Hiya. Just a quickie post as i'm very tired right now. But i wanted to get a quick post in tonight because i will be working all day tomorrow (Sunday for me) and turning around to a mid (night) shift tomorrow night.

Before i forget, thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I will try to make individual responses when i get some time.

So, today was the first day in months there has been both sunshine and "warm" temperatures. By warm i mean it was almost 60 f (about 14 c). After this long, cold, snowy winter, that felt really good. :) We also had our annual Easter egg hunt at work today. Every year, our employees association puts on an Easter egg hunt for the kids and families of the people who work at my place of employment. It usually rains, but today was splendid. The grounds are huge, with plenty of trees and lawn area for the kids. It's really quite a bit of fun for everyone. This year, i got selected to help out with getting things set up and just kind of being a public relations guy during the festivities. Basically, i got to fuck off and do no real work for about three hours and spend some time in the sun and fresh air. LOL. The downside is, after being locked indoors for the past six months, i am about as pale as pale can be. Well, i should say "was" pale. Now i'm sunburned beyond recognition. LOL.

I've actually been a very busy boy today. When i got home from work, i mowed my lawn for the first time since last October (it was about a foot tall and required me to haul about six bags of grass clippings up-hill to my compost heap), washed my car (it's so pretty when it's clean :p), and decided to treat myself to a nice steak cooked on the grill for all my hard work (washed down with an icy cold beer of course). With the combination of sun, fresh air and work, i should sleep like the dead tonight.

I think i will attempt coming out to Jack once again tomorrow night. I'll let you all know how it goes on Monday. *crosses fingers, hopes not to chicken out again*

I'll leave you with another photo. I took this photo this evening while my coals were getting up to temp in the grill. The view is looking southeast towards Mt. Rainier from the park down the street from my house. Enjoy! :)

Complications

2009-04-02T16:41:00.001-07:00

It would seem that my plan to come out at work first has hit a snag. I don't know why I didn't think of it before, but I work with three people who know and keep in touch with my sister. My sister and i have the same employer and we do the same job, just in different locations. The problem with this is that if I come out to everyone at work and not just a few trusted people, it won't be long before my sister finds out that I'm gay from one of her friends that I work with. After she finds out, it won't be long before my mom finds out (my sister tells my mom every thing).

I don't know how my sister will react, but my mom is already convinced that I'm going to he'll for not having God in my life. But at least as it is now, she still loves me and believes there is hope for me. If she found out I'm gay, she'd go off the deep end. Not only would I be going to hell, but I'd be disowned. My mom thinks being gay is both sickness and sin. All hope for me would be lost in her eyes. She would probably try to get me to seek treatment for my "illness", and when I refused our relationship would end. I don't have many people in my life who really love me. I don't know if I could handle the loss of even one right now.

On top of that, it would take the coming out process out of my control, and that is something I'm not prepared to let go of just yet. Once my mom found out it wouldn't be long before everyone knew. This is something I need to be in control of. But I need to come out. Being in the closet is slowly killing me. Maybe it would be for the better if I came out at work and let the situation spiral out of control. Then at least it would be done and over with and I could finally move on. How fucking frustrating.

So this is what global warming looks like...

2009-04-01T03:18:00.000-07:00

I now live in a part of the US that sees almost no snow in the winter. I have lived in places that are in a deep freeze from November to May too. This year, my nice little relatively snow free part of the world was hammered by Old Man Winter. Snow is very pretty to look at, but very tiring to commute in. I'd be just delighted to never see another snow flake as long as i may live. So, by special request of Mirrorboy, "the snowy ones".

Pictures

2009-03-31T03:38:00.000-07:00

One of the advantages of being an insomniac is getting to see some really beautiful sunrises. As i mentioned in my last post, i bought a new camera a while back (a Nikon D90). Quite a step up from my little Canon PowerShot. The pics below were taken from my home office window. Enjoy!

I am so weak!

2009-03-30T19:11:00.000-07:00

As i have mentioned before, i work an odd schedule. My work week starts on Thursday afternoon at 4:00 and runs through about 5:30 Monday morning. I work evenings, days and mids all in one week. No wonder i can't sleep. The point of my rambling is that i see the people i work with more than anyone else in my life. On the mid shifts, we run a skeleton crew of just two people per area, and a supervisor for all of us (days by comparison have about 15 people and 3 supes per area). So my mid partner and i have a lot of time to talk about random shit through the course of our mid shifts since work is usually pretty slow.

My mid partner, Jack, is a really good guy. He is a family man, has a really cool wife and three great kids. He is pretty open minded and accepting of others. He has told me that his wife actually wants their son to be gay! lol. I laughed when he told me this simply because it made me wish my family were so accepting of gays that they would actually want a gay child. He told me that he doesn't care either way, just as long as his son grows up happy. Wow. I was on the verge of crying when he said that (yes, i am a crier...if something really moves me, i tend to tear up and cry like a girl...lol). In any event, i had decided that Jack would be the next person i came out to.

Once our work tapered off, we settled into some of our usual conversation about anything and everything (no topic is really off limits). I finally got up the nerve to say to him "I need to tell you something really important and need you to keep very quiet about it". He gave me a questioning look and said "OK". Just as i was about to launch into my spiel, the supervisor comes round the corner with some information we had been looking for earlier. We talked to the supe for about five minutes, and when he left, Jack asks me what i wanted to tell him. I said, "Oh...never mind. I'll tell you later". At this point, i went to get something to drink and to kick myself in the ass for being such a weak minded chicken shit for not being able to tell him! Arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! FFS. I just lost my nerve. Good god, if i keep this up i will spend the rest of my life alone.

In other news, not seeing Eric as much as i used to is having the opposite effect of what i had hoped. Instead of following the rules for "out of sight, out of mind", me not seeing Eric seems to be following "absence makes the heart grow fonder". In the two weeks since he's moved days off, i have only seen him once. But i have been thinking about him more than ever. It doesn't take much to bring him to the front of my mind. I am dreaming about him more too. I had a wonderful dream about him this morning. I don't remember much of it, but we end up kissing. When i wake up, i can still feel his perfect lips against mine. I feel almost euphoric until i fully awake and realize it was just a dream. At that point i want to crawl under a rock and die.

I have been sticking to my "exercise and diet" plan better than expected. I have been walking at least an hour a day for three of the last four days. I still drink soda, but have been drinking diet instead of regular. I have even been ordering my lattes from Starbucks "non-fat". They taste like shit. I guess its better than going cold turkey, but this lack of flavor is horrible. I have also been really keeping an eye on what i eat. Meaning, not much of anything i really like is being eaten. Ugh. I don't feel any better, or look any better, so who knows if this will actually do me any good. All i know is that i want a pizza and a Coke. Followed by a half-rack of non-lite beer. My taste buds are organizing a revolution. LOL.

I mentioned i had been trying some of those dating sites, and that only one person ever bothered to respond to my emails. Well, after his initial response, we began emailing back and forth daily, sometimes two or three times a day for almost a month. It seemed as if we had heaps in common, but enough differences to keep the conversations interesting. I had finally worked up the courage to ask him to dinner, and to my amazement he said yes. We never did work out a date, as he was busy for a while there, but he promised to make time soon. It has now been two weeks since i have heard anything from him. I have sent a few emails just to say hi and keep up appearances, but not one word back from him. Needless to say, i am feeling more than a little let down by this. WTF? Maybe i'm more fucked up than i had thought. I mean, out of all the emails i sent, i get one response, and now he's not talking anymore either. Fuck.

Well, enough of my ranting for now. BTW, if you have linked me or follow me and i haven't returned the courtesy, please comment or send me an email and i'll take care of it as soon as i can. I try to keep up with that, but i miss things on occasion. I bought a new camera a couple months ago. I have been playing with it, and have a few pics (no, not that sort of pic :p) i want to post here eventually, if i ever bother to figure out how. Bye for now.

Eric Shirtless!

2009-03-26T17:19:00.000-07:00

Well, let's see if this works. I bought an iPhone yesterday and am playing with it at work. :) Maybe I will even be able to get this to post.

Anyway, I saw Eric on his way out as I was heading in to work. It made me think back a few months to an event that will be burned into my purved out mind forever. LOL

So I work one mid shift a week (aka graveyard shift). At about 5:00am, I went to the basement to talk to my union rep before I left work. Directly across from the union office is a small workout room. As I approach the door to the union office, my rep steps out and we wind up talking in the doorway to the workout room. Well, who is in there riding the stationary bike but Eric! I am trying to sneak a look without being too obvious. Yes, Eric looks hot in shorts. :p So as I am talking, Eric must be getting a bit warm, as he goes to take off his sweatshirt. When he does this, his t-shirt goes with it! OMG!!! I thought I was gonna pass out. lol. He is more perfect than I had even imagined. It's a good thing I was going home soon, cos I would have been walking around sporting wood the rest of the day. LOL

OK then, gotta go back to work. I hope you've enjoyed a glimpse into the purvy region of my warped little mind. :)

Where are we going from here...

2009-03-25T23:50:00.000-07:00

I seem to have hit a bit of a speed bump. After making some decent progress in a relatively short time, i am lost as to what to do next or how to accomplish certain things. Everything i need to do is dependent on some other thing. A lot of things need to happen simultaneously, or at least relatively close together. Ugh...frustrating.

As you may or may not know, i came out to my friend Adam at work last week. He is the first person from my personal life that i have told i'm gay. He was an obvious choice, because he too is gay. And who better to understand and accept me than another gay guy? Well, now that i've got the easy one out of the way, who's next? More friends and people i trust at work? Friends (and i don't have many) from outside work? God forbid, my family? Granted, there are one or two people in my family who will likely accept me, but the vast majority will not. My "friends" outside work are not very likely to be accepting, and as much as it pains me, i am prepared to cut them loose if they don't. People at work are a different story. Most are likely to be accepting. Some will act like they are accepting to my face, but will still have inherently homophobic views and think of my being gay as a sickness, or just plain gross. I know, because i've heard them talk behind Adams back. The good news is that i don't give a shit about most of those people now, so it won't matter what they think if i were to come out.

Meeting people has always been a challenge for me. As i have mentioned in previous posts, i am pretty shy in social situations. I am especially shy when i'm around someone i'm attracted to. I get real quiet, and can't even manage to carry on even the most mundane small talk let alone flirt. But lets just pretend for a moment that i'm not a coward, and that i have the balls to approach a guy i'm interested in. Say i'm at the mall, and I see a cute guy and want to talk to him. How can i even think about talking to him, and maybe even flirt, if i don't know if he's gay? I can't just approach random guys that tickle my fancy and flirt! That's a good way to get my ass kicked. I'm pretty sure the last thing a straight guy wants to hear from another guy is how good his hair looks, or that his shirt really accentuates his eyes. Some might be flattered, but most will want to go get their buddies and do a little queer bashing. What's protocol for flirting with guys? I'm lost. lol. Oh, the answer is simple you say, just go where there are a lot of gay guys. With the exception of gay bars and clubs (i'm not really into the whole bar scene, and even if i were, not much happening on a Tuesday night when i have off), just where in the hell am i gonna find a bunch of gay guys? There are a lot of programs in my area that have meetings and activities for gay youths, but nothing for old farts like me. And those online dating sites? A fucking joke. Looks like i'm going to have to risk taking a beating and start hitting on guys at the supermarket.

In any event, before i can start hitting on guys in the produce section of the Safeway, i need a makeover. Badly. Problem number one: I don't know shit about fashion. It's not that i don't want to look good, i just don't know how. Problem number two: Assuming i did know a little something about fashion, finding clothes that fit me properly is a challenge. It would seem that i'm rather oddly proportioned (i could stand to be a few inches taller). lol With most brands of clothing, especially with shirts, the ones that fit well around my chest are usually too long. Shoes are another story. I have big feet (size 14w or 15 depending on the shoe) and most stores only stock up to size 12, 13 at the largest. Sure i can order them, but no guarantee they will fit. So in order to look my best, i need to not only be well dressed, but i also need to shed a few extra pounds. In order to do that, i need to radically change my diet. Not an easy task given my odd work hours and otherwise hectic schedule. I order take out a lot, and really don't have the time to cook proper meals. But i am walking a lot again. I get about 4 miles in 3 or 4 days a week. So, that's a start but i need to add some strength training in too, and i really don't have time to go to the gym.

As you can see, there is much to be done. There is a rough outline of a plan, but not much in the way of actual processes for implementing said plan. So much is dependent on everything falling into place. Just one critical failure, and the whole plan is shot to hell. And all while father time is hunting me down. lol. I still battle depression and bouts of self loathing on an almost daily basis. I am doing my best to put all that behind me,and keep moving forward. But as many of you undoubtedly know, as much as we may want to put it behind us an move on and be happy, it isn't all that simple. For me to be really, truly happy, i need to find a guy who will love me as much as i love him. For me to find such a guy, i need to know where to find him and talk to him. To talk to him i need to boost my self confidence and overcome my shyness by looking better and feeling better about myself, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat. Granted that list isn't in the least all inclusive. There are still a lot of emotional and psychological issues that need to be dealt with on a much deeper level. But, it would be a huge step forward in resolving a lot if i didn't feel so alone and had someone to share my life with.

Alrighty then, once again it's back to work today and i have been up all night and work is only a few hours away. I am trying to stay positive and motivated. After all, my problems are petty and insignificant in comparison the what some people have to face. But those feelings of loneliness, emptiness and worthlessness keep working their way to the surface. Ugh...must...keep...moving!

Oh great.

2009-03-23T06:43:00.000-07:00

So ends another work week. I have had about seven hours of sleep over the last four days. Needless to say, i'm a bit cranky. I am an insomniac. I am dead tired all the time, yet i can't sleep. My little brain just keeps spitting out random thoughts about all the things i've got going on in my life. There's been a lot on my mind lately, but for the last week or two, i've been feeling pretty optimistic. Things have been falling into place, and for the first time in a very long time, i have felt like i am making progress in my life. Sure, there's still heaps of shit to take care of, but at least i'm doing something about it. That's kind of gone away the last couple of days.

The buzz has worn off from coming out to my friend at work, and i've actually felt myself sliding back into my cocoon of depression and self loathing once again. It sucks. At first glance, my life would seem to be pretty good, and on a lot of levels i guess it is. I'm not in danger of losing my job or being laid off, i have a roof over my head and food on my table, and have more useless material shit than anyone needs. Although i'm making progress, my life is still a very lonely place. I don't think i will ever feel whole until i find a guy who will love me forever. But alas, my standards a probably a bit too high for being 32, out of shape, and having thinning hair. My prospects are very slim indeed. And the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, scares me more than anything. God, i feel old... Being terminally shy, and having a stack of self confidence and self esteem issues isn't helping me either.

I have been trying out a couple of these online dating site over the past few months. The conclusion i have reached about those is that they are all useless pieces of shit. I have sent out almost 70 messages to guys who seem interesting to me ranging in age from 18 to 35. Number of responses: one. One FFS!!! Wow!!!! I really feel good about myself now! I know i'm not porn star material here, but damn, i didn't think i was that bad. Or maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just that every single guy in the known universe is just an asshole. All i want is a guy who I find cute, who's got a good sense of humor, is caring, compassionate, smart, etc. I'm not asking for too much, am i?

The bottom line is time is running out for me. In three months, i'll be 33. I might as well be 63. With each passing day, i can feel more and more possible partners slip just beyond my reach. And when i think about all of the opportunities i have watched pass me by from the confines of my closet, it only serves to depress me further. What is wrong with me? Why have i stood idle by and watched all these possibilities, opportunities, and life in general just pass me by for all these years?

To top things off, Eric has changed days off. This really sucks, because now i never get to see him. It also sucks because we won't even be able to do things together outside work now. We were planning on going hiking and doing some bike riding together. Maybe this will be for the better, as not seeing him everyday will help me to get over him. At the same time, seeing him and spending time with him is one of the few things that actually made me happy, even though i knew there was no chance of us ever being more than just friends. I miss him already.

Time for a stiff drink and a couple of Tylenol PM's. That ought to put my ass to sleep. And when i wake up, maybe i'll find Eric in bed with me and discover that this confusing, frustrating mess i call a life has all been nothing more than a bad dream...

One down...

2009-03-20T04:22:00.000-07:00

So, it would seem that after becoming infatuated with Eric last October, my "inner gay", that part of me that i have always known was there but never really payed much attention to, could no longer stand incarceration and demanded to be let out of his prison. And who could blame him. After all, he is the real me. And while have long accepted him, i didn't give him near the attention i should have. So, i turned him loose.

It was shortly after this that i discovered the great blogosphere, and started reading a few blogs. I made a few new friends, some of whom felt like family to me. After reading his blog, i felt as though Mirrorboy was my long lost gay little brother. He was in fact the first person i ever came out to, in real life or in cyberspace. But even after telling my new online friends who i really am, i still felt this burning need to talk to someone in my real life about my secret. The need to come out to a person i knew personally and spent time with on a regular basis became almost over powering.

I found that person in a friend from work. "Adam" is openly gay. He and i get along quite well at work, and we frequently talk and go outside and walk together when our breaks match up. Well, it rains a lot here in winter, so not much walking to be done. And with as many people as we have at my job, finding any kind of privacy in the building is rare. I guess Adam and i are going to need to get together outside of work so i can finally let out this deepest of secrets that i have been carrying with me for far too long.

I finally worked up the nerve to ask Adam if he would be willing to get together outside of work sometime. I told him i had something very important and private to talk to him about and didn't want to risk having anyone else over hear (the people i work with are for the most part pretty awesome, but real effing gossips). Hell, i even made sure that no one could over hear me when i talked to Adam about getting together. I was so nervous, my hands were trembling. But he said sure no problem. Whew! I felt better already.

With our odd work schedules, and different sets of days off, we had almost no time when we could get together. I kept checking with him periodically to see if he had some free time, and he almost never did. I finally got him to agree on a time and place. I was pissing my pants. On the morning of the day we were supposed to meet, i called and cancelled. I just couldn't go through with it. How could i ever tell anyone face to face that i'm gay?

Fast forward to last night. Adam and i get out on a break at the same time. Oh good...no one else is around. "Hey Adam, you have a few minutes? I really need to talk to you." "Sure", he says. WTF am i thinking?! Am i really going to tell him i'm gay at work, where anyone within earshot could overhear? Like i said, there are very few places to have a quite, private conversation with anyone at my work. But i'm in luck...the lobby of the Administrative wing is empty (people usually make mobile phone calls in there when the weather is crap like today), and all the office staff have long gone home.

"Adam, how are you at keeping secrets?" "I can keep a secret" he says. "Really? I mean really huge, earth shattering, mother of all secrets secrets." "Yeah", he says, "But you'll find it might not be so earth shattering after all". I give him an odd look, and he give me this knowing smile. "I have something i really need to tell you, Adam". And he says "I know", and gives me that smile again. "I'm gay." "I know" he says again.

Did i just do that? I can't believe i just did that. I just told someone i know and see all the time that i'm gay! I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders. He told me he had suspected i was gay, but wasn't sure until i asked to talk to him outside work. We talked for a little while about his coming out experience and about how different the gay scene is here compared with where he grew up. We also talked a bit about our families and the varying degrees of acceptance he got from his family. His mother, like mine, is convinced gays have a First Class seat on the Concorde, non-stop service to Hell. We talked about how even though he has been living here for almost four years, how few gay friends he really has here (doesn't look good for me finding a cute, high quality boyfriend). And we talked about how accepting almost all of the people we work with really are. But, we kept getting interrupted by people walking through the hall. And finally a mutual friend came along and sat with us ending our liberating little chat. And before anyone asks, Adam has a partner who he has been with for seven years (i'm so jealous). And yes, Adam is cute. :p

So there you have it. The longer than necessary story of how i came out to a person i know in my real life for the first time. I'm still pretty stoked about the whole experience. And once again, i have stayed up all night and work is only a few short hours away.

Before i go, i want to point you all in the direction of another new blog. Please head on over and say hi to a really great guy named Randy at Overrated Integrity. He's in a pretty tough spot right now (much like where i was just a few months back, or still am for that matter), and needs all the help and support he can get right now.

"Damn, we're in a tight spot..."

2009-03-19T05:45:00.000-07:00

So, today begins another work week for me. I have really odd hours and days off. And i've just had the last week off, so going back to work will be even more unpleasant than usual. I like my job, but hate the hours i work. Anyway, that is all a bit off topic.

Work is really a really a bittersweet thing for me these days. Management are total pricks, who for the most part go out of their way to make our time spent at work as miserable and stressful as possible (we do have a few good supervisors though). On the bright side, i get a decent paycheck, i get to do something that i enjoy, and i get to see "Eric".

Eric has been working at my place of employment for about ten months now. At first, i didn't pay him much mind. Just one of many new faces that have been showing up in droves for the last couple of years. But about six months ago, something about him really grabbed my attention. I still have no idea what made me notice him every time he was around, but whatever it was sure did the trick.

I began to try to find out as much as i could about him without seeming to obvious. The last thing i wanted to do was draw attention to the fact i have a crush on a male co-worker. I find out his name, the area of town he lives in, what kind of car he drives, and that he lives with someone. But i can't find out who he lives with. Roommates? Family? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? And i can't find any clue as to his sexual orientation. This only serves to increase my curiosity and interest in him. And as time goes by, my crush on him intensifies.

One day, he sits down at my table during lunch because i was already sitting with a mutual friend. My heart rate increased. My palms got all sweaty. "Is it getting hot in here?" Just being near him and hearing his voice made me lock-up. I opened my mouth to say hello, and got nothing but a barely audible croak. I'm 32 ffs! I shouldn't be acting like this! I could feel my face flush as i get more and more flustered and embarrassed. Finally i give up, excuse myself and leave.

About a week later, same situation. Only this time it's worse. Eric and i reach for the same section of the new paper at the same time and our hands touch. Instantly i go into awkward, bumbling idiot mode, and when our eyes briefly meet i can again feel my face flush and turn the brightest shade of red you could possibly imagine. I'm pretty sure everyone in the room noticed this (but that could just be my imagination, but he certainly noticed). I again tried to speak, but to no avail. So, i excuse myself and leave. Again. Don't i feel the fool...

I finally get around to introducing myself to him and a few of the other new guys. We talked shop, and cars a little bit, and now knowing we have at least our jobs and a love of cars in common, i begin to feel a bit more at ease around him. But the more i learn about him, the more i like him. And not just his looks (although he is incredibly cute), but everything about him. His voice, his smile, his hair, his laugh, his personality, his sense of humor, his kind and quiet manner, and his eyes. My God, i could spend eternity looking into his eyes. He is constantly on my mind. He is in my dreams. I want only to be near him. Yeah, this is definitely more than just a crush. I think i'm falling in love with him.

Just a few minor problems. One, the obvious, i'm gay and neither Eric nor anyone else knows this (although after how i blushed and ran away from him when we first met, maybe he does suspect). Two, after getting to know him better, i find out he does in fact have a girlfriend. Three, i still have no idea if he's maybe bi-sexual or if he's straight, or even what his attitude is towards gays.

But none of this stops me from feeling what i do for him. I have never felt this way about anyone else, ever in my life. Sure, i've had crushes on guys before, and have worked and gone to school with guys i liked before. But nothing can even come close to the way i feel about Eric. The logical part of me says "Forget him, it's not gonna happen. Even if he is by some minor miracle bi-sexual, he's got a girlfriend, so just put him out of your mind and move on". But my heart tells logic to kindly be quiet, and logic listens.

I don't know how to forget him. It's impossible. We are in each others company all week long in some capacity or another. If i'm not in his physical presence, then i'm on the phone with him (work related calls, btw). And i don't know what's more frustrating; knowing that i need to forget him and put him out of my mind before i drive myself mad, or knowing that i can never tell him how deeply i feel about him and that he will never know just how profoundly he has effected me.

Time to at least attempt to get some sleep me thinks. I've been up all night and need to get up in just a few hours to go to work. Maybe the solution will come to me in a dream...

School Daze

2009-03-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. Once again, thank you all for the support, comments and love you have all shown me. It really means a lot. OK, enough sap. :p A few small things before i get on with the post. First, I want to encourage you to ask any questions you may have of me. My email address is listed below the 'about me' section on the right. Just sub a "@" for the"(at)" and you're golden. Second, a few people have asked about my name "Deadwing" and my display pic. The name is taken from the band Porcupine Tree and their album "Deadwing". The album strikes a chord with me, and so i "borrowed" the name. My display pic is also taken from a Porcupine Tree album. It is the cover art for their "Fear Of A Blank Planet" album. The photo is by Danish artist, filmmaker, and photographer Lasse Hoile. He's an incredibly creative guy, with some really 'out there' concepts and ideas.

On with the post...

As i mentioned in my first post, i had my first crush on a boy in first grade. His name was"James". Now, in first grade, i had no idea what those feelings were. I had no concept of homosexuality whatsoever. I just knew i felt differently towards James than i did other boys, or girls for that matter. James was in my class from Kindergarten through sixth grade, so i was around him a lot.

Into junior high, our class split up. We had different periods in the day, but James was still in my home room and in my PE (gym) class. What a shock when i found out we had to shower together after class! I was scared to death that i would become "aroused" in the shower, especially with James in there. Good God... By this time, i had pretty much figured out that i was gay, although i was till holding on to some delusion that i would eventually get married etc. But i now knew what it meant to be "gay". What a confusing mess i was in. I wasn't very popular in school, and James was. So, even though we had known each other for years in grade school and were friends, the social structure in junior high kind of drove a wedge between us. We still talked from time to time, but it wasn't like it used to be.

It was during this time that my feelings for James became more than just a simple crush. I had to be around him as much as i could. He was on my mind every waking moment. I would time my walks to class so that i would run into him in the halls. All the while, i had a million different thoughts running through my mind. "Am i the only boy who has these feelings towards other boys? What if someone finds out? What if James found out i liked him? Is there something wrong with me? There must be. What am i going to do? Who can i talk to about this? This isn't normal. I'm scared."

Being gay just wasn't something that was talked about, either at school or at home. There was no education on the subject. And in Sex Education, there was no mention of homosexuality at all. I learned of the concept of being gay from one of my peers who would make jokes about it. Nothing worse than being a "queer" or "fag". That only served to reinforce my suspicions that i was indeed alone in how i felt, and that i was in fact "sick" or otherwise abnormal. NO ONE can know about this. EVER!!! Deeper into the closet i go...

And in the closet i stayed. Eventually, during the middle of ninth grade, my mom sent me off to live with my dad. I was failing every subject, and was seriously depressed. I would talk to the school counsellor, but could never reveal what was really on my mind. So, James was gone from my daily life, but not forgotten. My new school, in a new town, in a new state was really no better. Still had to hide who i was, and still had no one to talk to about how i felt. As i went through high school, i still pretended to like girls around my friends, and found still more boys to crush on. But that's a story for another time...

First Steps

2009-03-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

First off, all I can say is "wow". I am really amazed by all of the comments I have received so far. A HUGE thank you to everyone. Now, on to business...

As Steevo mentioned, I attended my first PFLAG meeting last week. So, technically, I suppose I am sorta out, even if it is to complete strangers. For me though, there is still no one I know personally in real life who knows I'm gay.

Attending a PFLAG meeting was a big first step for me. Having hid my sexuality for so long, I was pretty nervous about attending the meeting and telling my story. Even as i began to speak, i was wondering if talking was such a good idea. But after my first sentence, it all just flowed out of me. The people at the meeting were mostly parents who had gay children. It was really comforting to be there with them, and know that even though we had just met, they accepted me for who i am. As i spoke with them and told them about my situation, about how my real family would condemn me for being gay, i began to feel some hope. Hope that things would work out OK after all these years of hiding in my closet. Hope that the majority of the people in my life would accept me for who i am.

As Kevin has said in a comment on my previous post, ones sexuality really is their business. I don't plan on putting an ad on TV telling people that i'm gay, or as he said, tell people i'm gay when i introduce myself. That said, i want to be open and honest with people. If someone asks me, i want to be able to answer with confidence and pride "yes, i am gay". As Kevin also said, there are people in my life who most likely suspect that i'm gay and don't have the balls to ask me. I mean, c'mon, i'm 32 and have never had a girlfriend. It's pretty simple to figure out. LOL. Maybe they figure it is my business, and that i wil tell them if i feel that they need to know. At the same time, i can't help but feel like i'm being sneaky, like i'm keeping the truth from them. I want to meet new people, and make new friends who i can be myself with (that is, actually have some gay friends). But i also want to be able to be myself with those i already know.

For me, coming out is about finally being able to be honest. Honest with my friends, both new and old, honest with my family (still a tough nut to crack), and most importantly honest with myself. I came to terms with being gay a long time ago. But i have never allowed that part of me to be seen. I hope by letting that part of me out, i will find some happiness and peace.

Well, where to begin...

2009-03-15T02:20:00.000-07:00

Hello. I guess the best place to start is to give you all a little bit of background about me. I am 32, gay, and still in the closet. I have known that I was different from a very young age (I had my first crush on a boy in first grade). I had no idea how to interpret those feelings at such a young age, and had no concept of homosexuality. Over time I began to learn about being gay, or bi-sexual and figured it out. For the longest time I tried to convince myself that I was bi-sexual, and that there was still some hope for me to get married, have some kids, and live a 'normal' life.

By the time I was 19 or 20, I finally realized that I am in fact gay. My family are a mixture of very religious and conservative. They either view being gay as a sin, a sickness, choice, or any combination thereof. How can I tell them who I really am? So, I go on day by day pretending to be someone I'm not.

Well, not any more. I can no longer handle the stress of having to conceal my true self and the resulting bouts of depression and self loathing. From this point forward, I am going to be myself.

That's not to say that I don't have a long way to go. My family will no doubt be the last to know, as I stand to lose the most by telling them. My current 'friends', well if they can't accept me for who I am, then to hell with them. I am making new friends, both here, on the internet, and in my real life. I have met some really amazing people who have helped and encouraged me to move forward with my life. People like Mirrorboy, Steevo, James, Steve and Mr. HCI.

I hope to one day be able to help others, as I have been helped and pay it forward so to speak. Well, that should do for a first post. Thanks for reading, and I hope to make many more new friends here.